The Hateful Eight of Hearing
When you speak, this is what we actually hear. We hear the words but the effect differs. You say the words in bold but beneath is what we really hear you say to us.
- I Love you
I admire you. I adore you. You are a god. You are a prince among men. Nobody does it better. You are a king, an emperor, a champion. You are everything that I have ever wanted. I would wither and die were it not for you. I want to be with you forever. I want to worship beneath you and give thanks minute by minute that someone so scintillating, so special and so brilliant as you would choose me to be by your side. I will give you sweet, potent and invigorating fuel now and forever. I am bound to you now, do as you will.
- Please leave me alone
Stay and punish me. I am disloyal and a traitor. I have wronged you on so many occasions and I deserve everything that I get. I am weak, pathetic and disgusting and I am amazed at your generosity in remaining with me. I have failed you and I am so unworthy I wish to crawl into a hole and die there but I ought to face you and accept my punishment because my treacherous behaviour deserves nothing less. Continue to berate and denigrate me and reinforce why you are so much better than me.
- Why are you doing this to me?
I am challenging your right to treat me like this because I am suggesting that you are not entitled to do this. I am making it plain that you are not superior to me and you have no basis for behaving like this. I am trying to make you feel small and weak because I am disloyal and I am always looking for ways to stop you getting fuel. I am a traitor, a fifth columnist who is seeking to bring you down and topple this empire that you have created. I am criticising your entitlement. Do you hear that word you hate so much? Criticise. You need to carry on and punish me.
- What would you like for dinner?
I am trying to irritate you by suggesting that I do not already know. I am doing this because I am suggesting that I do not think ahead, plan and second guess to cater for your every need. Do you know why I am suggesting that? Do you know why I am pretending that I do not already know? It is because I want to strip you of your special and superior status. Yes, this is another of my seditious acts which is designed to make you think and feel that you are losing your power over me. It’s working isn’t it? You are feeling weakened and you are wondering what other treacherous acts I will engage in. Why don’t you lose your temper and throw something about? That will show me.
5. I think the blue shirt looks better on you
I am telling you that your choice of the red shirt is a bad one. Do you know why that it is? It is because you know nothing about clothes and fashion. In fact I am going further than that because I am actually telling you that you know nothing at all and I know better than you. Yes, can you believe it? Little old stupid me knows more than this supposed god that stands before me. How does that make you feel now eh? I love doing this. I love to challenge your choices and make you appear stupid next to me, a person who is apparently useless. Does this hurt? I thought so. That is why I do it because I am trying to destroy you with comments like this. I think you should storm out of the room and leave the house for a couple of days so I know who is in charge.
6.There’s something wrong with you
I am on to you. I know what you are. I know there is something rotten in the state of you. You are warped, evil and not the person you make out to be. I am not fooled any longer by your showmanship and I am going to tell everyone about you. I know the truth of what you are. Oh I know, how can I know when I am the one who has the problem. I know that I’m really the crazy one and I do nothing but make your life hell, but I am trying to brush that under the carpet by suggesting that you are the oddball, the maniac, the fruit loop, the kerazy wild-eyed freak. How dare I do so when I am the one that is obviously ill and needs help. I know I do but I like to play this game with you but it’s okay, you should go and tell everyone else what I am doing again and why not arrange for me to see a doctor too to give it a real ring of authenticity?
7. Please don’t leave me
I am weak and pathetic and useless. I should have known better than to fail you. I will do anything, anything at all to make you stay with me. You can treat me even worse now. Do what you will to me, I am nothing compared to you. I should be punished for my transgressions because I am so pathetic compared to your greatness. I am nothing without you. You have given me everything and like a spoilt child I have been so ungrateful but I need you. There I have said it. I need you so, so much because you are fantastic and you do so much for me and I am just a horrible person. You can treat me like dirt because that is what I deserve but why not ensure I get the message by walking out and staying away for several weeks without ever getting in touch. That should show who is boss shouldn’t it?
8. It is over.
Well I have said that but that is not what I meant. I meant I am an idiot and I say things which I do not mean because let’s be honest, there must be something wrong with me if I want to be apart from someone like you, someone so special, kind and wonderful who has only ever tried to do the right thing and someone who has only ever had my best interests at heart. I don’t mean it really. I am just doing it for attention, but I need you to tell me why I should stay and it would be great if you cried a bit too, just to make it look like you are really upset by me telling you it is over. Go on, squeeze a couple out to show me you really are human and can be hurt by my horrible threat. Oh and don’t be concerned, I know you finished it first.
215 thoughts on “The Hateful Eight of Hearing”
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Ok, everyone I’m going to tell you my story. I hope you find it interesting.
My ex N is actually my ex for a second time. He was my first love when I was 16. Of course back then I didnt realize or have the knowledge to figure out that there was definitely something wrong with him. Although he did a few things then which didn’t make any sense to me. We broke up because his family moved to another State. We did keep in contact for about a year writing letters back and forth. He also came to visit a couple times. Then after that it was like he just fell off the face of the earth. I never heard from him again.
But, in the spring of 2013 I got a an unexpected friend request on facebook. I was completely ecstatic that the guy who I never forgot over the past 24 years actually wanted to talk to me. I told my mom and she said ” Are you sure? Do you think you should talk to him? Maybe you should just ignore him. ” My mom must have realized back then that something was wrong with him. I’ve never asked her though.
And that was the beginning of my hellish ride with a narc. He said he never forgot about me through the years. I was the only girl he could never get off his mind. I was the sweetest girl he had ever been with. Blah blah blah… He started love bombing with poems and I was stupid enough to fall for it. We talked on the phone every night for hours. Within two months he moved back to my State living about 30 min from me. Our relationship lasted over two years. Relationship from hell that it was. He moved over 1,000 miles away about eight months ago… thank God.
Mom’s really do know best. .. Lol
Wow! 24 years and a Hoover move. Who knew? What a story! I’m with you completely on the poetry too. Not specifically with me but other friends with scary dating stories seem to experience that guys who do that especially soon, are extremely suffocating.
Back to this though, I’m guessing H.G. would say the “mixture” was planted in you and your Narc knew it. He probably needed a reason to leave his state. Maybe smear campaign on your predecessor wasn’t working or backfired on him?
He was living in his mom’s house and they don’t get along He can’t get along with anybody. His mom developed cancer and he bailed on her. I find that out way later from his sister.
He also went out of the country not once, but twice to be with some woman he met online. He must have done a hoover move on her when he went back the second time. That happened in 2010-2012.
Boom! He skipped out on mom when she had cancer, just because he was really the victim in that they “didn’t get along”? That is a red flag on fire…now with hindsight. H.G. always, always reinforces that a true Narc doesn’t know how to do support during a sickness, cannot stand when the attention would shift away from them during such a time, and cannot stand the reminder of our bodies failing us and succumbing to disease and old age.
Foreign online woman probably got discarded, hoovered, tried to give him a 2nd chance and either she figured him out and went NC or he dumped her again and she’s still in the appliance heap.
Of course, he’s always the victim. He blamed everthing on his family. He drove his sisters nuts. His oldest sister describes him as bat shit crazy. His mother is so distraught with his behavior. As far as I know nobody in his family even knows where he is and don’t have a way to reach him. His step father died a few months ago and his mom could die soon and he won’t be there for the funeral.
As for the foreign woman I’m not sure because I can’t go on what he told me. And when I talked to his sister about it she didn’t know much except that he had gone twice. He told me that hes always searching for his true love and he can never find her. He told me that i was her and he didn’t have to search anymore. Because he had always known all those years that he had let the true love of his life get away and he was never going to let me go again. But, anyway.my guess is this foreign woman told him to leave because I can’t imagine it any other way. He’s the most impossible person I’ve ever meant.
“I want you to sever all ties with your exhusband”
“You know I can’t do that because we have three kids together”
“If you love me the way you say you do you will find a way”
“That’s not going to happen”
“Why can’t you just cooperate with me instead of all your opposition?”
“You’re asking me to do something that isn’t possible”
“Yes it is damn it. I want you to cut off all communication with him. Delete his number out of your phone. I want you to tell him that you’re cutting off all communication with him except for impersonal email.”
“No, I absolutely refuse to do that. It won’t help to delete his number anyway because I have it memorized. I will never cut off all communication with him. I will always have a tie with him because of our three children. I’m sick of you making demands of me. Nobody tells me what to do! ”
“You are an impossible bitch! I can’t believe you’re going to oppose me on this. I cant believe you actually have the audacity to oppose me! You’re not going to oppose me you stupid bitch! F**k you! ! We are completely done! Leave me the f**k alone. Don’t call me! Don’t text me! Don’t email me and don’t come over!”
I bet you remember that as if it what yesterday Angered.
Unfortunately
I vaguely remember skimming through it in a book store and I knew I could never act that way, nor would I really want to be close friends with someone like that so back on the shelf it went. I know it may work for some and it’s obviously a best seller but at this stage in the game, it’s just not me at all.
Sound judgement there MLA.
Yeah, you pretty much have me figured out anyway. Lol
Have any of you ever read “Why men love bitches” ?
I read a sample of it…..
What’d you think about it, Angered?
I like it. I think all empaths should read it.
Interesting title, I’ll have to check it out. It may explain why men have put up with my difficult personality 😉
I don’t agree with all of it, but I took bits and pieces from it. It taught me that I was way too nice and put up with way to much bullshit. We can be nice and still stand up for ourselves. I do stand up for myself now whether it be family, friends, or in a relationship. I’m not about to let a man walk all over me and treat me like I’m beneath him.
Absolutely! Its all about self worth/respect and knowing our worth. I’ve never been accused if being too nice, however I try and treat everyone respectfully. It’s when I’m insulted or disrespected the she devil rears her head😈
Ditto for me!
“It’s clear that all you can see is what I do wrong. It’s not my fault that you can’t deal with real issues and pain you have caused. That’s on you. You voiced no concern at all when I reached out to you pouring my heart out to you in a poem so that you might understand. You have not approached me with any real concern or care about it. You are not even my friend. Strangers would treat me better when it comes to the last poem I wrote you. To me you seem rather heartless, unaccountable, extremely selfish, and unfair. Your behavior is very poor when it comes to a strong, fair, loving, honest relationship. You never gave me or US any real chance at all. I can’t believe you invited me into this with you. You are not a partner, unwilling to cooperate, offers no effort to making this relationship right. Girl, you never came close to being fair. “
Wow I never had such a communication in my life and have always been in relationshios with Ns.
Consider yourself one of the lucky ones then.
Absolutely 😃
Nikita,
Just from reading your post you seem on the docile side, so perhaps you never challenged or “criticized” any of the N’s you were involved with. I’m hot tempered and won’t put up with much, therefore I tend to provoke these types of responses.
Well I am not the angora kitten but its true neither the hunting cat.. But I dont think its about being docile or not its just not giving place for such a conversatiom to take place.
But I cant really say … Ive never experienced it.
Lucky you, the insults typically come after I challenge or call him out on his behavior. A normal, healthy conversation isn’t possible unless I roll over and play dead and just agree with him. Since that is not who I am, we have had quite a few very heated exchanges but this one was much worse!
We’re you also told that he thought you were crazy or bipolar? My exN told me often that he thought I was bipolar like one of his exes and I needed to be put on medication. My reply always was “I know I’m completely sane . Lol, I loved to piss him off. He also told me I reminded him if his ex wife because she always twisted his words making him look like a monster. When he was the one that always twisted things around to make himself look better. And they wouldn’t look like monsters if they didn’t act like one ..now would they? ?
After I would challenge him, which was quite often, he would tell me that I have issues and need to be on meds I would reply that unfortunately there are no meds to cure what he has! I would then get the “f*ck you.” Fun times all around😣
Often I would tell him “you need to go find someone stupid because I can see right through you” He refused to speak to anyone in his family. So I become friends with his sister on facebook and then we exchanged phone numbers. I was talking to her behind his back for months. I knew what he was about and he thought I was clueless. I then started doing all kinds of research and realized he was a narc.
I had never experienced love bombing before, so I didn’t figure out what he was in the beginning. I began catching him in lies and he had little follow through with plans we would make. My suspicions started to arise but when the truth finally came crashing down the puzzle pieces started to fit.
The only positive from my experience is that I can now identify disordered individuals fairly quickly.
Yes, me too.
NQN
it is all about respect. When you dont allow disrespectful words towards you then you are doing yourself and your counterpart a favor.
First F word and I would end the conversation on the spot. Please lets comtinue this comversatiom when you are calm and can talk to me in a respectful way, and until them I would not comtinue any comversatiom.
Its all about respect. My dad who was an N taught me that.
That’s so true. If I would’ve just walked away the first time he used the f word things could have been different. But, instead i said “thats ok” when he was sickenly sweet with his fake apologies. We should never say “that’s ok.” Now I would say “well, what you did was not ok, but I forgive you. ” Regardless, there’s no getting along with them. They are completely impossible and always will be.
Ending a phone or in person conversation is one thing, all of his tirades are text messages. I ignore him and he continues to rant, up to 15 long messages in a row without a single reply from me! He’s a maniac and had the nerve to message me this morning after all the vile insults he hurled at me on Monday. I’m going NC for good this time, he has finally crossed the line.
Ohhh sorry to hear. 15 messages!!! Its a bit too much. Seems you got into a bad dynamics already difficult to stop I assume.
That is why you should adopt as principle only issue positive communications from your side and only accept same one. Then you have no risk of this happening.
Good luck.
Luckily for me, I have no ties that bind me to this “man.” I can go NC but there’s always a chance he could come to my home or job. I don’t think there’s any weight to his threats, he’s a lot of meaningless talk and bravado. It is difficult for me not to reply b/c I have an overwhelming need to retaliate but so far I’ve not replied👏
Good for you. Keep it like this and you will see with time you wont even feel the need to answer back to messages that dont bring something different than added value and positive feelings and emotions. Also if you like it meditation will help you identify any negative feeling you have and find out where it comes from so you can work it out. ☁️☁️
I think more of us here have had it commonplace to have had these types of exhausting, guttural and visceral conversations / fights which is why I think some find it confusing how many of your responses come across so pardoning towards Narcs in general. Just an observation.
“Here she is still stubbornly refusing to cooperate with me. LOL.. ok, then have it your f**kd up way. Consider yourself completely single. I am so done trying when you give me nothing to work with. You’re on your own from now on. I plan on finding someone to take you off my mind very soon, so do not both bother me in any way. Go be a stubborn, uncooperative bitch to someone else from now on. I do not accept you anymore. We are completely over. You blew every one of your last chances. Goodbye you impossible bitch. I hate I wasted all this time on you. “
I read what you write and I get so fired up to want to lash out at mine again…just because…but I won’t…but I sooooo get it!
Yeah, don’t do it. That’s what he wants. We can take out our anger on each other. In a productive way. Lol.
Agreed!
I swear we don’t even know the meaning of frustration until we have to deal with one of these people.
Its purely mind f@$ery Angered. But you’re right. No one knows…til they know
How many times did you rehearse a conversation in your ahead of time to try to be prepared for whatever type of answer you could get depending on their mood and still get a curve ball?
Countless times . I often found myself thinking “what just happened? “
Followed up with “that is NOT how that was supposed to go down…”
Right, because everything has to be EXTREME with them.
This was the last message I got a few nights ago after the worst tirade I’ve ever experienced. Keep in mind that I had already told him that I’m done with his BS and to stop contacting me. He took previous conversations we had out of context and made up a few things as well!
“Go be a mom and leave me the f*ck alone!!! U f*cking make me want to puke. It’s one thing to fuck 30 guys while ur married but to blatantly pawn ur kid off and brag about it to me. And Oh I don’t do anything around the house. Of course u don’t b/c you’re too busy being a whore!!! And your sorry ass husband doesn’t have the balls to tell you to get the f*ck out. Ur right, you wouldn’t last a week with me. I’d call you on your bs. I’d tell u ur a trash mom and a terrible wife. So shut the f*ck up, u make me sick.”
Of course I’m not offended by this because it’s complete bs and he is a terrible father to his child. I responded by telling him he’s hilarious and that was the last of the communication since. He said enough this time around to turn me off for good. Here’s to no contact from here on out!
Wow, they must be twins. Lol
Grrr!!
Are you saying that you use willful intentionality to construct a self that is outside of yourself and that you relate to this construct through the use of a false self?
I need to reflect on this.
What is your definition of construct and how do you use this as a means of relating to your self?
The construct is what I want the outside world to see and relates to me in that sense.
Purloined…perfect description!
OMG HG…Cherry Pie by Warrant!? The epitome of rock!?? WTF….just how gay are you? Jus sayin.
Not gay, not that there is anything wrong with being gay incidentally. I think you might find that I was trying to get a bite. That song is plastic rock. I still like the lady in the video though.
Thanks. Back in the late 70’s and 80’s, we used to call anything that was spazzy or dorky “gay” (in Southern Calif, at least). It had nothing to do with sexuality. Warrant was Glam Rock …a joke to real rock. The girl in the video, Bobbie Brown, was drop dead gorgeous (still is BTW). Led Zeppelin (from your neck of the woods)are definitely one of the fathers of rock. As is Black Sabbath. (Incidentally, boy, I take the bait easily huh…you got your bite)
That’s interesting that you used gay in such a way back then, I would say it has only taken on the same meaning here since the 00s. Yes I concur that Warrant was glam rock.
Really!!? re:”gay”?? Wow, that’s nuckin futs. We here in the U.S. are frowned upon now if we say that. Even though the context would have nothing to do with sexuality, the “PC police” would have a coronary. That’s why I prefer the less offensive term…”half a fag”….lol (just kidding, people. Save the speeches )
Hmmmmm I am an activist or used to be , now only online, for LGTB rights ….
Just saying 😃😃😃😃
Awesome! I live in Houston, and I believe our last mayor , Anise Parker, was the first lesbian mayor to be elected. And nobody would think that about Houston, let alone Texas. But we did it!..So, online activist? Hows that work?
Good story!!!
Online I mean with signing petitions or sharing in facebook and tweeter. In this country there are no such movements.
With my family also When they question me about why I share this or why I support this. I talk to them about equality and how wrong the church is in her position against LGBT.
One of my bestfriends has a transexual daughter of 6 years and she needed lots of support. She has made campaigns all over USA in national TV pro LGBT. Telling the whole story of how it started to where they are now.
Me and many other people make campaimg on facebook. 😃😃 creating awareness for equality.
Hahahahaha omg…I just cracked up.
I would have expected “Welcome to the Jungle”!
YES!!
OMG, Apocalipznow!
Let’s continue the “PC” comments! lol
I LOVE Houston! My 3rd or 4th cousin Lee Brown was Houston’s first African- American mayor! He hosted our family reunion in Houston in 2001! My mom’s side of the family has these family reunions that are hosted in different cities every 2 years.
Mayor Brown is amazing! He was a “top cop” (drug czar) for the Clinton administration before being elected mayor of Houston. Amazing life he had….he made a life out of being in law enforcement and doing the right thing-ALWAYS!
That was my first trip to Texas! Houston is still my favorite city! Austin is next on my list!
Nikita,
Awesome work you are doing!
Pres. Obama just signed a mandate to let trans students K-12th grade use the bathroom/locker room of their choice. A lot of people are angry about this…..I have many gay/trans friends…and I have shared a bathroom and I have dressed in front of them without incident. What does worry me, is that there will be straight men that use this law to perv out on young girls in the ladies room. However, the “PC” police will label you a bigot if you say this publicly. I think there should be a “onesie” bathroom/shower for those that question their gender. However, the LGBTQ community here in the USA is not pleased with that idea.
I remember the high school ladies room being a place where a girl could go and feel safe….I don’t think boys should be allowed go in there and make girls feel uncomfortable…..however, I am sensitive to the trans kids too……
HI T
I knew about Obama. My friend published it. But you should not feel unsafe because trans are a brain of a woman in the body of a man or viceversa. So its really a woman or a man just with contrary sexual organs. I hope one day everybody understands that.
Im trying to look for a link in english on the story of my friend but until now I only found it in univison in spanish.
I’ll find a good English link and post it, Nikita!
I don’t mind sharing the ladies room with trans/gay men. I just don’t wan’t straight men abusing these laws just to sneak a peek! There was a case somewhere in America where a straight male went into a girls swimming pool changing room and got naked in front of a bunch of 12 year old girls?!😡 It was legal in that state so when the police came there wasn’t anything they could do! This is what I want to avoid happening! Predators are always looking for a way in….this law is perfect for that😟….
Hi T
Yes the law will always be abused 😟. What a pervert this man. I suppose its difficult in the beggining and specially for children to share toilets and showers with transexual people but like this they learn since they are kids not to discriminate. The girl of my friend is allowed to all girl facilities in school. Its a pity I found nothing in English yet. Its really profound how they tell their story of having fought the idea in the beginning when the boy wanted a pink stroller, play barbie imstead of G.I Joe, and wear long t shirts that he would stretch down as skirts. Then the story continue with the acceptance, the examination and the fighting for acceptance.
I still found nothing in english except the link to one institutiom that helped them but you cant see anymore the story, I will keep looking when im back in a computer.
Have a nice day T
Thank you, Nikita! My spanish isn’t that great..so I’d need english……lol
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/05/12/feds-schools-transgender-bathrooms-letter-title-ix/84311104/
This is just absolutely great! A huge step towards acceptance and no discrimimation. Thanks for the link.
de nada!
Some more thoughts….I don’t post often because I’m so busy lol….but in thinking about my ex and his life now and before me, I think he needed me so people would think he was like me because I am known as a caring selfless hardworking person. He had before me and now after…a reputation of not being trustworthy, can’t keep a job, horrible with money etc. When we got together he got a really good job (quit after I moved out) and started doing some of the things I did. I think he needed me so that people would think he was not so bad of a guy. I could never figure out what his angle was with me besides he needed a mom for his daughter that he had full time. I think I am beginning to see more thanks to these posts. Funny thing is, they all still see him as the ass and feel bad for how he treated me…especially his family who has always thought he couldn’t get shit together and I was the best thing for him…. he is burning his bridges quickly and I live right here in the same 3 mile radius as everyone and I get to see it all go up lol!!! Fyi..his current gf is a HUGH downgrade from me…no job no education…nothing!!! He must of made her think he could bring her up to his level…to bad he can’t see he’s crap too lol!!! Geesh after re-reading this…I’m such an empath….here let me help you better your life!
Thanks for that Debbie and what you’ve provided there is a classic example of how we take traits from somebody and apply them to ourselves as if they are our own. He saw what you are and decided along with the need for fuel and the residual benefits of having a wage earner, good place to live etc, that he would adopt your caring side, your selflessness, your work ethic, your trustworthiness and so on. He adopted your interests/social activities also in order to apply them to his construct to make him appear successful and more attractive. He may well have attracted his current gf using the very traits he purloined from you.
In reference to my previous post…I live in the state of Missouri but am originally from Oklahoma and will move back there once my son graduates high school. Your 80s hair band song is definately not my style since that song is a huge joke amongst my son and his friends…wonder why lol???? But I do like that kind of music when I’m feeling nostalgic. But now a days I like 5 finger, atreau, shinedown, pop evil, etc….. As far as showing livestock it is beef cattle and Boer goats. I have taken an interest in my sons archery and have started shooting a bow just for target competitions. We don’t hunt even though we are in a very redneck hunting/fishing area. I guess I just don’t for into any category and am to independent for most men. For some reason I let my guard down for this guy, who btw was 10 years younger than me, and I guess I was attracted to that single dad trying to raise a daughter on his own. I am attracted to younger men because I find older guys creepy lol so I don’t know if that is going to continue to attract narcs??? I have such a work ethic and have to be busy all the time and most guys my age or older want to just set around after 40 hours of a work week and I’m still looking for more stuff to do. If I have nothing to do I will go wash and clip cattle and goats or work in the garden or flower bed, clean out the barn etc…work is fun lol!!! Pretty boring huh all work and no play!!!
Debbie,
I love the Midwest! Everyone there is so genuine and NICE!! Midwest nice is real. My bff lives in Minneapolis….I like visiting there.
Thanks for sharing!
Every day just amazes me as to how spot on you are! Grrrr makes me mad to think I fell for it…but I guess I just love a challenge! And I’m not a quitter…although I was about to give up myself at the end thinking I was crazy!!! One day someone will appreciate me for my work ethic kindness and craziness…if I ever let my guard down again!!!!
I’m over here Debbie and extremely appreciative of a great work ethic, kindness with a smattering of kooky craziness on top. Wait? That’s you all over is it? That’s amazing, who would have thought it, we could be….soul mates.
Ha ha highly unlikely we are soul mate’s HG…but thanks for the compliment. I believe I have seen this movie before and even starred in it! From what I have read from you I believe you are a bit more intellectual than I and you would find my midwestern intellect a bit boring. But I am no country bumpkin by any means coming from a family with wealth…I just prefer simpler stuff and don’t require the fancy things my grandmother had lol! I am varried in my tastes as I work a desk job at a bank and then come home to farm animals and muck boots. I HATE country music and am a rocker…but I volunteer my time to various youth groups and having my son involved in everything from school sports to shooting trap and competitive target archery with an Olympic coach and showing livestock. I have decided to put my wall’s back up and not let anyone in for awhile. I will allow myself the occasional pleasure of a man’s company for dinner but you pose me no threat as I believe we are seperated by quite a distance! Even though I enjoy your writings I also sense underneath that same man that tried to break me and it does scare me still…..
Where in the Midwest are you from? I don’t mean street, just nearest town and state. Which animals do you keep and show? I like to loose the arrows myself, always satisfying when one hits the bullseye of a target of course. Is it true that country music is all about having a faithful dog and then it dies and one is overcome with grief and so forth? A rocker eh? Who do you like? Cherry Pie by Warrant always strike me as the epitome of rock as per the video – long haired dudes, axe-wielding, drums, attractive woman, in your face innuendo – it has raaawwwkk written all over it.
I was once told country music is only to be played backwards…that way he gets back his beloved truck…his house is rebuilt… his dog lives…his lover…his mama/papa and heartache is removed and so life is good once more.
I love alot of country music, so apparently, that says alot, about me! 😛
Ha ha I like that CE.
If I ask “what do you want for dinner?”, it is because I don’t know what I want to eat, or I am not hungry, and I am hoping that whatever you are hungry for will inspire me to cook when nothing looks appetizing. Does that make th question less angering?
You would have to preface your question with that disclaimer, Becoming, but then we will just accuse you of trying to be clever and assume you are trying to make us look stupid.
Oh god, yes.
And then at times, if we don’t ask…we are selfish and never think of you. We always like to control everything. We give you no say, in what you want. We should know you don’t like this…that was probably some other “nice guy” who you cooked it for. Etc, etc, etc I could go on for days. Ugh!
Absolutely CE, though presumably you were the best at the BBQ?
Hi HG,
In the event that you mean I am described as the best at any BBQ. Of course! My brilliance excels that of anything I have ever known. Im actually quite uncomfortable with the public praise and adoration (and the open physical “affection” (as he loves to call it if I object and he is wounded) especially after a few drinks that I receive from him…
Now where I come from the BBQ is normally “sirs” domain; accompanied by alcohol and “conversational banter” (akin to neanderthals within a very short span of time and generally some form of sports) with those that are being entertained (or rather his entertainment/amusement for the day)
So, it depends on all manner of things. Events, location, his mood (whether manufactured or not) company present, time if the day, the weather, his distractions, “my mood” and on and on and on…As, I’m either an angel gifted to him or a controlling self centred… etc, etc.
All in a days work HG 😉
So equality hasn’t reached the BBQ yet there then? I watched a video yesterday which showed someone in a dinghy on a river in Australia “setting fire to the river”. It was actually the gas purportedly leaking in to the river caused by nearby fracking. I must admit as I watched it, I did not think about the rights and wrongs of fracking but whether said fellow was going to get the BBQ going and crack open a cold one.
Sure, if you consider them choosing to sit around the campfire drinking, whilst we do all the cooking on our “break” away, equality.
It all depends on many factors as I said. Many masks apply here. Vulgarity is often common place here. I’m not a fan, but I wasn’t raised with it at all. My father was ALWAYS a quitely spoken, “gentle” man (not always in a physical way if we displeased him). Never did he swear in any shape or form in my presence. He had a code of conduct he adhered to. He never displayed any sense of irresponsibility, such as drunkedness etc. (Despite his poor parenting etc) He always appeared to be sensible and responsible to others (despite his apparent laziness and sense of entitlement dependent upon his surroundings and mood), and happily open to the ways of other cultures. He had no need to be vulgar or raise his voice. He had conditioned us to know better. He was very strict and we knew the consequences if we dared to question him, misbehave, even to behave as children should…children were to be seen and not heard. He was always polite and softly spoken. He is quite the conversationalist if he chose to be; sadly not ever with his children.
Many typical men here are not this way. They are somewhat the Peter Pan type men. Ever the teenager. Its often similar to attending a frat party at bbq’s here with these types; despite their ages.
Their is such a diverse culture here. So many nationalities and generational differences. Where I live for example there is no 2 nationalities within the 15 houses nearby that is the same. I grew up with racial issues throughout my schooling. As an empath I stood up for many others, despite my shy demeanour. (Somewhat changed since!) The dynamics have changed alot since then, but, unfortunately, it is still an issue for some. I have many european, english and (american not living here) friends. I have worked in many fields over the years with diverse ranges of people; serving, cleaning, healing, caring, grooming, and organizing and managing them. So many nationalities and age groups. This has enabled me to learn much from others perspectives. I find good in every walk of life. I love people; sadly some of them have been taught differently. I have yet to encounter any personal issues with others (if you don’t count my defence of others) save for perhaps the fathers of guys who have wanted to marry me and they did not approve due to my being of a different nationality to them. They were alot more “old school” then and thankfully are softening to the idea, or they lose their children.
Back to the humble barby..many here still prefer that the men do the cooking. Many aussie shielas (and there is a difference between women/ladies/shielas in the nature/personality.) Will do as they please and their man does as he pleases when he has their permission to do so.
We are a diverse group here. Country, city, surburbia, outback and surfer types as well as race, culture, gender, religious and sexual preferences make up many, many dynamics that it is often hard to generalize.
Many are rigid in their ways, whilst others are about as relaxed as you can get; without being deceased.
Did that answer your question HG? Sorry if I rambled too much. I just say what I feel mostly (as if that was not already apparent)
You can be assured that the barby is always a priority when camping and, for most, so is a cold one. You would fit in well here, but then I know you fit in anywhere. Such is your design. At least it makes for pleasurable company when not your “permanent” partner. Live and let live I say. We can all learn much from each other if we are willing to embark in discussions and most importantly stay relatively sober and listen and observe. Everyone shows of themselves in time, if you care to be watching. It’s all good.
To be clear I love barby’s, provided i am not the centre of attention…I leave that to your kind 😊
Thank you for that CE, I always like to increase my knowledge.
Is that what I did there?…of course it is; so is my design…
Dinner Q: “I am not very hungry, so nothing looks sexy in the fridge. Any suggestions?”
My mom used to assume that everyone thought/felt exactly as she did about things. She was over-the-top OCD, too. Her mom was an N I am sure now, and mom might have been one as well, just with a different style of control. My point is that I finally realized that communication was a problem in our home. As a kid, I was always walking on eggshells and in trouble, but rately knew why. As an adult, she started saying things like “If you loved me, you would know to do X/not do X”. My response became “I do not have ESP. I have no way of knowing what you are thinking/feeling, but rarely do we think alike.”
“Run, run away that’s what you’re good at.
Don’t try to figure out why you can’t get along with people.
Don’t try to figure out why you’re so antisocial.
Don’t try to figure out why you have a problem with women and why you want to berate them and make them feel like shit.
Dont try to figure out why you feel the need to be in control of EVERYTHING.
Don’t try to figure out why you refuse to let any emotions show besides anger.
Don’t try to figure out why you’re surrounded by bullet proof walls and won’t let anyone in.
Don’t try to figure out why you shut everyone out of your life especially when they don’t agree with every word that comes out of your mouth.
Don’t figure out why you never let yourself be happy.
Don’t figure out why you’re always blaming someone else for what goes wrong in your life instead of taking responsibility and blaming yourself.
Don’t try to figure out why there is an angry little boy inside of you.
Don’t try to figure out why you have no one and live a lonely life. ”
“You sit there pretending I don’t understand why I am the way I am or why I feel the way I do.”
They cant feel happy… They cant feel like we do angered.
Yes, I know, but that doesn’t make them any less infuriating and they try to suck the happiness out of everyone else. Suck you dry like a vampire. What a sad life they lead.
Sad form your viewpoint perhaps Angered, but not from ours.
Omg, I love it. His anger. It will never go away. I have seen behind the mask and he hates me for discovering his dirty secrets. But he can’t let me go because I “belong” to him. His punishment will be my happy life with someone who cherishes me. I will make sure that man is the happiest man alive. OH, that makes me so happy to think about. You guys are AWESOME. You too, HG. ❤️
You got the last two sentences the wrong way round there Triple D!
You go girl. You’ve got this! ❤
You go, DDD!
We all KNOW better now…so we will DO better next time!
*hugs*
These are fantastic. You should do some more. (Now tell me what that means).
Thank you. Seeing as you put it so nicely, I think I will.
Word.
Have I wandered into some street slang seminar, what with your “word” and MLA’s “dope”. I need to do some research fast to fit in here.
Try http://Www.urbandictionary.com HG
Thank you CE, I am familiar with this website. Interestingly when I clicked on the link the first phrase I saw was “ballsack mouth.” Thanks for that!
The universe works in mysterious ways for each of us…Serendipity?! Lol…it can be somewhat amusing I have found. (Or interesting as you put it)
Hey that phrase may come in handy at the next football game with the opposing team? Lol. My favorite from UD that my co-worker/best friend and i use almost daily before lunch is “fungry”. As in I am F*ng Hungry for some Thai food today. You’re not just regular hungry – you are FUNGRY! Haha
In my neighbourhood many use the term Hangry these days
When you are so hungry that your lack of food causes you to become angry, frustrated or both
Is that when it is time to thrown another prawn on the Barbie?
Yes HG. So paul hogan says “throw another shrimp (I call them prawns too btw) on the barby”
It is such a huge country that the states differ so much in writing style, road rules/laws, govt laws, colloquialisms etc that at times my relatives and I have to ask “what that means whrn speaking to each other.
Yes it is a huge country with half the population of here, plenty of room. Do you live near Melbourne?
Indeed, it is!
Sometimes.
There is such geographical beauty and diversity here, I can’t decide where I love best.
I love rainforesty mountainous areas and beachfront/coastal areas mostly. I find the city has its uses and very different experiences, but for me life is mostly about living things, oh and books/literature. The city is busy and beautiful in its oen right with many attractions (sports/theatre/arts etc) and glorious multi cultural food to suit varied tastes. I enjoy the company I share anything with more whilst I’m there. In nature, I equally enjoy both.
I love all seasons for the gifts they bestow. Snow is the hardest to live in though I find. Lovely for a holiday (especially creating memories indoors by the fire that warm my heart when needed), but often inconvenient in everyday life.
What type of climate do you prefer? or is it just whatever is conducive to your fuel. (I didn’t mean to sound cold. I just wondered if anything truly feels like home; in a peaceful, contented sense)
Lol I’ve heard that one too!
H.G., btw can I call JN “Ball Sack Mouth” if he hoovers me again or is that too fuel ridden?
I would use it in all communications about him but not to him UNLESS you were speaking to him and you said it in a toneless delivery. If he reads it he will draw fuel from it Good to see you checking before diving in.
Urban Dictionary will help you immensely!! Lol
It is full of vulgarity!
When I clicked on my link provided to you, it said. Fancy bitch. A classy, elegant, self-sufficient woman who carries herself with dignity and pride and takes no shit from any bitch, male or female… lol
These delusions seems to be spreading CE.
Lol.
I didn’t put it in there…it came to me. Serendipity?!…I was just amused, as I am a recovering co dependent.
And I’m not so sure if they are all delusions…thanks to your “input/healing aids/ultimate closure” I think you may in fact have found the cure for many of my kind.
You know just how to please me.
He says to all the empaths…
Ha ha very good.
Props to my Fancy Bitch!
As if you’re a stranger to vulgarity…bahahaha
I am no stranger to it but I am not a proponent of it.
Ever the gentleman ingrained HG…
The better you understand others HG the more skills you obtain; you know the drill.
I find it great for online (sms etc) abbreviations if I dont understand them. I also forgot to mention that if you click on the speak symbol next to the word it will say it (I was seeking pronunciation), but it says it differently each time. By others speaking it.
Indeed, its often quite enlightening and its most amusing at times! It’s the bomb 😜
Same here…
Yes. Welcome to the UNITED STATES of Vernacular… Dope means the shit, gay means dorky and or spazzy, and word means I concur totally.
The evolution of gay always amuses me. It once meant happy and carefree, then homosexual and now as you write dorky or as we might say here, “pants” or to describe something as lame or a bit rubbish.
In the movie “Closer” with Clive Owen and Julia Roberts, he calls her “a filthy fuckin slag”..Now that really doesn’t resonante with Americans as much but me and my sister were like “oh snap..that sounded so condescending (slag), no idea what it means , but we say it all the time now.
Great film. Slag in the UK is the equivalent of slut, tart or tramp so it is a derogatory sexual put-down aimed at females in the main, although it is known for men to use it directed at another man in the London area as in “Come on you slag” meaning “Let’s fight you piece of dirt.”
.and in the UK they also sometimes call men “cunts”, huh? I’ve heard it in a few British films. Guess it’s just like calling a man a bitch here.
But for some reason I like that word ‘slag’, since we don’t really know or use it here. I think I’m going to start using it more often..(YES YES YES.. I have a mouth like a sailor that never made it to sea)…but only in the appropriate circles. ..11 years of Catholic school will do that to some of us..(i’ll just say I have tourettes, if I offend some people).
See you next Tuesday is doled out to both men and women in the UK and has been around for centuries, Shakespeare used it in Hamlet when the eponymous prince was scolding Ophelia.
“It’s so very clear to me that you are not willing to cooperate with me at all.
Your constant resistance ensures my thoughts on this are sound.
You not saying that you will be cooperative reinforces my conclusion.
It’s very clear that you are not ready for a relationship.
It’s very clear that you did not offer a honest, respectful, fair one.
It’s very clear that you still do not intend to.
It’s very clear that you will not hold up your end.
It’s very clear that I am just wasting my time trying to get through to you. “
Spoken with such condescension and authority… (hugs)
Many scripts ran through my head as I read this post. I’m sure any poster would have said the same.
It is an unfortunate reality. “It is what it is” within a life of a N relationship. But, you can decide to make it otherwise if YOU choose to. Plenty of help in the books provided by ours truly to do so.
I saw this today with a pic of a drowned whining cat…
Trying to have a rational conversation about your relationship with a narcissist:
It ends up like…
If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, How many pancakes would fit on the roof? Purple because aliens don’t wear hats.
I guess, you never truly know how damaged a person is until you try to love them…and sometimes, you even find that you, yourself, were quite damaged for allowing it to continue and now suffer as a result of your own wounds being opened. I guess it allows us the opportunity to see that we need to heal and in doing so, let go of others, who do not see any need to heal, nor even recognize, their own wounds. ❤
Yes we always shift the battleground.I said black was black a minute ago but now it is white and I have ALWAYS said it is white. How dare you question me? Why do you always have to do this and make me feel bad. You hate me don’t you? I haven’t done anything to you.
Incidentally, do aliens not wear hats because they would have to poke holes in them for their antennae?
Dad, is that you?
I am everywhere CE.
Lol
Seriously, though, I’m so very aware that is why I refrain from sharing more. If this blog wasn’t so public I’d often divulge much more…such is my life…surrounded by them.
My dad, thankfully, is no longer, by choice, in my world.
I have successfully held NC, even at a recent funeral, for 2.5 years now!
I’ve not even taken the bait, when other N’s in my life, have told me that NOW all my behaviours and issues are because I need to sort my shit out with my dad, as my selfish behaviour and moods (blah, blah…what relief, peace, joy, renewed reality check) are causing problems for everyone. And I have simply said I don’t have to include him in my life if I don’t want to…rage, fury, etc etc. I still haven’t batted an eyelid and won’t even discuss him anymore. I hold no longer hold any ill will; and am not bothered if others speak or see him in the slightest. I’m so proud of myself sometimes lately (alien feeling to me), I feel quite narcissistic. I simply am choosing what’s best for me. Bless them! 😜
CE,
You should always feel safe…so be cautious about what you share online.
I am usually intensely private…but I have been more open on this blog that I have been with my own family. They don’t understand this….they never will….
I have opened up here knowing it could get back to my exes because I feel it is important. It’s important for others to know it’s not their fault….
Thanks T. I do it for the same reasons. I think we know how much the comments of others help us at times.
Empaths seem to be able to spot injustice, corruption…against others in an instant. Not always within our own walls, so to speak! We jump to the defense of others quickly and can see our situations mirrored back to us via others posts. Hence, HG’s post affect us all so deeply. I think they need to so we can see the totality of the situation we have been or are involved in. I’m so grateful for all that is shared. I hope we all continue to bring both our differences and our similarities to the table, so we all can see the many stories unfold.
Thanks again, T. 😊
I love what you said here CE
So true, CE!
I’ve often wondered why I feel the need to “fix” people. In all fairness, they hide their “damage” in the beginning….If we saw it before we invested in them…we’d RUN!!!
I am proud of the fact that I let go when I did with N3. I had so much experience dealing with people with NPD….I was sure I’d never be ensnared again….this guy displayed empathy….cried at sad movies…had morals…values…..and told me I should date him exclusively because he was honest…lol. He was all of those things for months…
I fell in love with his “honesty and integrity”…..and all along…he had neither….
You feel the need to fix T because you are an empath. It’s one of the reasons we choose you.
I like me….I will take comfort in knowing that N3 won’t change for any woman…..he can’t.
His ex fiancé was a beautiful chemist with everything to offer him….and he messed that up too. For pretty much the same reasons….his career came first…and if she didn’t see him for more than a week and complained about it….she “didn’t care about their (his) future.” She told him: ” I want you to fight for our relationship, R!”. He told me he just shrugged his shoulders and let her leave. When he met me he said “she broke my heart…I’ll never forgive her/speak to her again!” He didn’t go after her….his pride wouldn’t let him….I’m sorry….I just don’t think men are blessed with that many great women in their lives….he felt the loss of his ex…..he met me 3 years later…he won’t admit it….but she was hard to replace….he met others…had some flings….but he wasn’t moved to get involved again until he met me…
I pray for this next target….
You can’t fix anyone. There was signs in the beginning we just didn’t see them or refused to believe them. Everything about them is fake.
Hi Angered!
You are RIGHT! I ignored the signs…he told me he wanted to marry me in a year…and I was planning my wedding….he had been laid off…so we were just waiting for him to get another job to make it official….
My mother started to see that he was demanding and controlling…she wanted me to see it too and break it off….MYSELF. She later told me I fell in love with his image….and not the real man….mom’s ALWAYS RIGHT….lol
Oh yes, mum’s always right, I have learned that.
Yes, that fake image that he portrayed. Always go with your gut. If something feels off about a person just walk away. It’s not worth the risk.
Wow. It occurs to me that if he cheated on me for 3 years while I thought that things were good, I can only imagine what his behavior has been like during this last year after I moved out and we were attempting to reconcile. His affairs were always during the day so I never knew about them…he has probably gotten an even bigger fuel high now every time he does it as punishment to me for leaving him. All I know is that right now I am creating the possibility of a new and beautiful life and taking action to create it. Landmark Education is helping me A LOT to have the tools to deal with all of this.
And when I say “there’s something wrong with you”, maybe I do mean I’m on to you (although it’s not like you’re keeping it a big secret, at least not from me); but I say that & you see it as an invitation to list all the things that are wrong with me, as if somehow me being more wrong makes you right. It makes you look crazy.
Yup! No. 6 Resonated the most with me. My last interaction went something like that. His response to me was a tirade of insults on everything about me from my appearance to my core being. Apparently I am delusional, immature women who has to create her own stories and conclusions. Good times, good times…
I really liked what T wrote in another recent response in that any of these Narcs would have never chosen us to begin with if we weren’t the complete package with looks, brains and values because they never want to settle for anything but the best.
I found that rather comforting.
It would be “nice” to think that is why they chose us. N’s often unfortunately choose the “perfect” person to achieve the desired reaction from others that they wish to create. I have seen them do as suggested and also seemingly pic (for the sake of being polite) the most ordinary partner in everyway, just to upset others. Depends on the supply they give and generate…after all fuel is the goal and they know what way to best obtain it and from whom. They are masters of such a design. Might I add (as HG has said) lesser functioning N’s most likely do not put so much thought into making decisions and so may simply seek fuel from the nearest available source. (Alot of them are alcoholics, gamblers, drug addicts or have other substance abuse issues and often fall into others arms by default. I have seen many decent (extremely ordinary and not so intelligent) women fall for their victim status. Their “collection/recruitment” has many considerations and sometimes is very much influenced by timing.
Hi CE! Well I was just interpreting a nice, ego-boosting spin on T’s comments based on what we read from H.G. (hardly a lesser functioning Narc). Lol Can I just have that little high for a day? Pretty please?! ☺
Of course. And in your case it may very well be the absolute truth. So keep your high indefinitely ❤
Oh And MLA, here’s a thought for another possible ego boost! You are as open and honest as can be with HG; whether he approves or not. He is no doubt a high functioning N. He seemed somewhat interested…and we all know by now, how he doesn’t like to invest in anything less than what he sees as a worthwhile venture. So you must indeed be worth your weight in gold! (I personally hope you choose a short ride in the bat mobile, so to speak, enjoy the pants trick if you both so desire or whatever else is in store on a date with a dark sith/batman personality type and then continue loving yourself until you heal and find a lovely partner, one that truly can see you for the gift that you are. Learn as much from HG as you can in any case. I’m sure I’m not alone in thinking anyone would be lucky to have you…you my dear, are lucky not to have your ex.
CE…please know from the bottom of my heart I am humbly rendered speechless at what you wrote. I’m definitely a heart on my sleeve person, so the openness and honesty you find with what I share, it’s the same in person. This was a top shelf ego boost by far. Thank you, thank you for your kind words.
And H.G. wishes I’d go for a spin in his Batmobile! Haha.
Plz know I meant every one of them ❤
M. and CE,
I think some N’s downgrade after us just to really stick it to us….it’s insulting to us when they pick a woman that can’t hold a candle to us on any level–and I am not just talking about looks….it could be anything…usually something that they praised in us–the next woman will sorely lack.
I saw N3 on my lunch hour last week with a frumpy, poorly dressed, plain woman as his lunch date. I know he doesn’t yet have a new primary…so this woman is new….or it could have been a classmate…I’m not sure. However, HG said he would have showed up in a place I frequent with the type of woman that would get the most reaction from me. I admit…..I was surprised! He loved my sense of style….he like the fact that I put effort into my daily appearance.
AN ex N bombing social media with pics of a woman that does not compare to you is really just another slap in the face to her predecessor….
Ah but in our eyes they are better than the predecessor on every level. Out with old and in with the new. The queen is dead, long live the queen.
Then why try and hoover back the predecessor if you’ve upgraded?
With most men (non N’s), each woman they date by default sets a standard. Each woman after that has to meet that level or better…so if woman “a” is a 9…woman “b” has to be at least a 9 or better to meet the standard of woman “a”.
Before N3, I dated a non N. We broke up amicably…(we wanted different things), and it took him almost a year to find another gf…..(he did want to try again, but I knew it wouldn’t work). He broke up with her after a few weeks. She didn’t hold a candle to me on any level. I knew this would happen to him with her….
My dad actually had liked that bf. He told me himself that he would be back and want to try again. My dad said that he’d never meet a better woman than me…he just needed the nightmare of dating other women that were not me to see it!! This bf is a local celebrity, and he knows many people around town, that really liked me. My ex said that his good friends wondered why he let me get away….
My dad said to wait it out…he’d be back and agree to change. That happened a week after my father died.
Perhaps, only non N’s upgrade their women? All of my guy friends upgrade as well, HG….they’d NEVER downgrade….the new girl would have to outshine the old girl in some way(s)….
Perhaps only N’s hate their exes so much that they fail to see the good in them post discard that attracted them in the first place?
Because the hoover fuel is magnificent. Think about this – You have been cast aside and treated terribly yet despite that I am still able to draw you back in. How magnetic must I be to achieve that? You are relieved to have me back, the emotional fuel that flows from such relief and gratitude allied with the desire to please me more than ever before is huge.
Alternatively you try and escape me but despite your attempts I pull you back in. How magnetic again am I? I reinstate the golden period and you are thrilled and delighted, the old me has returned and you pour with fuel once again.
IN terms of upgrade/downgrade we have different criteria to you. You may look at your replacement and judge them on looks, humour, intelligence, job, cooking skills, car they drive, hairstyle, shoe choice, capacity to care, ability in the sack and so forth, although of course there will be much about a replacement you will not know about. Those who are not of our kind may choose someone stunning in looks and then someone who is beautiful in a different way but a great companion, I know from what I have observed and what I have been told that there are so many different qualities to people (as judged by those not of our kind) that isn’t it really difficult to say whether someone has upgraded or not? You may not think so but your ex may se different qualities in the new person so they consider that person an upgrade in any event. Plus aren’t you judging the quality of your replacement by your perspective not that of your ex who will look for different things and place a different emphasis on certain qualities to you. IN our world we always upgrade. It is simple – the predecessor failed, the replacement has not therefore we have upgraded.
I see what you mean, HG. Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship except for the people in it.
Personally, looks don’t fit into the picture when I look for a guy. Kindness, respect, morals, manners, values, and such trump looks…totally….
My guy friends have picked girls with less in the looks dept. and upgraded to a nicer and more gentle woman….it was still an upgrade…because qualities are what counts.
N’s tend to paint their exes as demons once the devalue period happens. Every good thing they seen in me…they start to hate! This isn’t based in reality…they then started to smear with with lies….it’s like they were trying to wipe me out…along with everything they claimed to love at one point?
I assumed they smeared me to explained why the new girl wasn’t my equal in any way….one ex N explained discarding me to being a “rotten apple”. Gorgeous on the outside, and rotten on the inside”…and he wasn’t going to fall for “just a pretty face” again?! lol
My real friends knew the truth….
Indeed T, by the way, I haven’t ignored your longer post from earlier, I just need some time to read it and comment on it as you have asked me to do so. That also applies to ones from Becoming Observant and Blood and Thunder.
Well, I admit I did gloat a little bit when my non N ex downgraded after me. lol
He wants a quality woman, but he wants to retain his bachelorhood ways at age 53! lol! He gambled too much, drank too much, and only cared about football….he’s still considered a “catch”…but he wanted to marry…and those are not qualities one can take into a marriage-JMHO
The woman he dated after me cleaned up well, but she was a TOTAL hoochie mama!!! She was so ghetto!
He told me he really liked her…but he just couldn’t get over how ghetto she was in private.
A really good woman with the total package really isn’t that easy to find.
I am sure of it, HG!…lol
Hi T
Its only about us when they want it to be…as HG said below.
The puppet master loves to play with us all as he sees fit. Not unlike my toddlers with their toys and others.
Hi Cody,
I agree 😊
I’m just happy to feel a range of emotions from myself and others. I love that there are others out there like me. (Well perhaps, I simply hope that those of us that are co dependent can heal enough to value their truth self worth, as we certainly have a deficiency that needs to be addresssed. It saddens me to think others are this way) Having empathy is healthy…giving over of oneself to another absolutely to one’s detriment is not; especially giving without enforcing healthy boundaries.
I agree with CE. The stuff other NPD-survivor blogs feed us to make us feel better (“Ns only choose the most beautiful, most talented, most enviable of women”) is certainly good for an ego boost, and definitely confused me when I compared myself with some of the other women who came before me (the ones I found out about, that is…) who were, if I am to be completely honest, far more impressive than I am on many levels.
But HG’s wisdom puts all that to rest. To paraphrase that horrible song from a year or two ago:
It’s all about the fuel, bout the fuel.
If dating a supermodel will destroy the mousy homebody who came before, great.
If the homely unemployed vegan will cause the sexy female CEO of a prestigous firm to sink into despair and worthlessness, bring on the tofu!
The one ego boost that is 100% legit – that we ALL have in common AND should be proud of – is that we are empathic. Some more than others, but that is our common denominator, and we should be proud as there are not enough of us in the world. Even if it does make us ripe for HG and his tribe.
You get it Cody. Furthermore I salute your empathic pride and I agree there should be more of you in the world. I’m hungry.
As I read this, I could see this is exactly what N1 heard me saying, especially number 8. I used to ask him if he lied so much that he believed himself. His responses to things didn’t even make sense to me after a while. It is all very clear now.
Thanks as always HG.
You are welcome.
Hello Jin ,
Narc once told me that if he thought about a lie he’d made long enough it would become the truth . .. He wasn’t very good at it with me I always knew & it caused no end of arguments .
That is actually quite common amongst our kind So Sad.
It is ? I didn’t believe him because in my world I lies a lie , even the tiny white ones .. How can your kind convince yourselves a lie is the truth HG ? It’s so confusing .
Help is at hand. Read Your Fault. This shows how we have no problem with blaming you and using lies to do so and why we do it.
…and if you save screen shots or txts to expose the lies, suddenly you are a frighteningly obsessed, stalker-like person who won’t let old arguments die.
Precisely. Why are you taking screen shots, are you saying I am a liar? Haven’t you got anything better to do than drag up the past? Is that how sad you are? No wonder I mess about.
Aggghhhhhh! I almost dropped my phone reading this! Yes, yes, yes. I have had those types of exchanges proving lies and getting identical responses. I am logically prooving in black and white words what came from you and I am the “creepy, obsessive stalker”. No I’m trying to grasp at mental clarity from the gas lighting fog you’ve put me in – you Ball Sack Mouth!
I think when they have that knee jerk reaction we were prob the first ones who ever hit them with screen shots of their own words to throw in their face during attacks.
Remember we shift the battle ground all the time so you can never land a blow. You may think there is no way we can get out of this irrefutable logic but of course we do not play with your logic and rules, we adopt our own.
Not thats the absolute truth right there!
What’s awesome is when you use my logic against me selectively in another confrontation when it was so foreign to you prior. Lol
Does anyone else feel an overwhelming urge to go vigilante? Cut off the power supply by sending these blog posts to all of the other targets?
But would they read? Would they understand? Would they pay heed?
“…but would they heed?”
Maybe. Trolling thru his tendril collection on social media, it is amazing how many of them post memes about sociopaths. One can tell who is in a Hoover easily: he suddenly “likes” everything they post, no matter how banal. It’s easy to spot his targets: they are the ones whose profile pic changes from one upward-looking selfie with exposed cleavage to the next, with heavy makeup and “the pout”. Normal people do not post those pix, only women who need to sell themselves post selfies with the “come hither”-cleavage/looking up to hide the double-chin-pose.
Yes Observant I agree, those are the signs of him hovering. Why do you look through his activity on social media?
“Yes Observant I agree, those are the signs of him hovering. Why do you look through his activity on social media?” — I don’t now that it is over. While it was happening, it was an easy way for any/all targets to see each other and what he was doing (and easy for him to claim innocence). I looked yesterday and saw that there is a whole, fresh crop of newbies in the works. And a few Hoovers to flavor the soup as well. (horrible visual there)
Do you think it is worthwhile doing it now,since it is over?
Worthwhile? I am an empathetic person: I have seen these women “vague-booking” their anguish publicly for so long, it seems to me that they deserve relief and closure. The newbies should know that they are “one of many.” If anyone chooses to swap bodily fluids with a baseball team-sized harem (and their multiple partners), that is his choice to make. BUT any woman he adds to the soup needs to know that it is a BIG pot, and there is significant risk. If she goes in knowingly, it is her fault. If he lies about it, he is grossly at fault if, for example, he infuses a young mother with HIV and her kids lose their mom. Hyperbolic? Maybe. But it is possible.
I find it occurs mostly when they tell people their version of the truth so often, that they really do believe it.
YES !!
Towards the end my N just made me want to punch him in the face every time I was around him. He criticized me about EVERYTHING. If I didn’t do what he wanted all hell broke loose. He made the most ridiculous DEMANDS which of course I refused to do. So, he would act like he hated me for a week or two. He was such a mean person with absolutely no patience of any kind. His way was the right and only way to do everything. What a bunch of bullshit! The last time he contacted me 8 months ago I refused to answer the phone. He left a nasty voicemail. If he ever tries to contact me again I’m changing my number and my email address.
Change it now and avoid the risk.
You are my hero, Angered. I am criticized and berated constantly. The interesting thing I have noticed is that it no longer makes me upset and I no longer lash back. It is almost a quiet calm because I have DECIDED that this is not how I want my life to look. Wow, I have taken loyalty much farther than a human being should. I have never been discarded, but since I now know it is coming at some point, I welcome it. And I am ready. Ready to be free of a disordered individual. My fuel sucks because I am so unemotional and logical. Oh, it infuriates him. Should be any day now. 🙌🌟👏👊❤️
Yes DDD if you are reducing or even shutting off the fuel you can expect a backlash in order to provoke the resumption of the fuel and if that does not work then you will be consigned to the appliance scrap heap. He will be looking for you replacement at present just in case.
Yes, and once you are free it is exhilarating. No more walking on egg shells. No more waiting for the other shoe to drop. Free from all the constant negativity and confrontation. Free to be who you really are. Free to joke and be as sarcastic as you want. (Mine didn’t understand sarcasm or he pretended not to just to drive me nuts.) For me when we were arguing I would look at him and think “I feel like I’m arguing with a 5 year old.” It was just crazy. I was so happy when he moved over 1,000 miles away. ECSTATIC
Hi DDD,
I hope your wishes are granted & the day arrives sooner rather than later . My discard seemed to go on for years sadly . Please understand that as much as it was a relief it was also very traumatic, though the difference between us both is that you know what your dealing with & you have some understanding ,whereas I didn’t . And so began my search for answers . Have to say it again , but this blogs helped me find them & the bloggers here are lovely . I hope if you need any support when it happens you can ask here . (( Hugs))
P.s. HG is right when he says he’ll be looking for a replacement, Ns hate to be without a fuel source .
So Sad x
What pisses me off the most is that they can criticize you all day long, but if you say anything that even resembles a tiny bit of criticism all hell breaks loose. Oh, and then they think that you need to be punished. I am not a little kid and I will never tolerate being treated that way ever again. They can all kiss my ass.
I love your grandiosity and way of writing and choosing pictures to make reading a fantasy experience and I love you being so intelligent and charming 🙂 and Im sure you have a lovely accent and beautiful blue eyes and I start imagining a catchy smile too, to fit perfectly you. Number one is well known 🙂
Number 5 did not surprise me as many things that we say are taking like critics, although I never imagined that so harsh.
The rest of the sentences were a surprise, except for number 4 I never said any of the others, and I would have never imagined that asking for what is wished for dinner would have such a negative effect.
Thanks very much for sharing this part of your world and how you interpret some communication. 🙂
Excellent as always or better great ? Both 🙂
PS. Can I continue using interesting ? Is it now popular or unpopular ?
Of course you should use interesting, I think I may have to reclaim the word!
HG, I say you’d never give up anything in the first place, so no need to reclaim it…
I’m guessing words (especially as writing is your forte and words are your weapons) make up a huge part of who you are and how you like to be seen and influence others.
Enjoy!
Dearest Nikita,
Plz use any word, speak any topic, and speak of your past, present, future or dreams or fears as you plz. Everyone here is trying to help each other in their own way. Feel free to express however you feel. You have earned that right dear one. I love your input. Take care of you ❤
…get a room, you two.
Really? That sexual impression you have? 😃😂
Uhhh, yeah, totally Nikitalondon. It was more of an innuendo you’re throwing out. Don’t play coy now little lady ; )
No I was not implying anything sexual… I dont in public. Its not coyness it just how it is.
Noted & stored HG . Thank you .
I told it N I loved him almost till the day he left & in some twisted way I believed I still did . But I would never stoop so low as to ask him to stay , I’d been secretly waiting for it for years . The second he did I went full no Contact & so it remains , shut the door behind you Twunt 🙂
It was the single BEST thing he ever did for me 🙂
N.B Not to say that it didn’t crush me to the core, it did . But I knew I could never ask him to leave I was too scared to .