Community Centre
I’ve always been a people person. They make me tick. I find it important to maintain that front of dependability and wisdom so that people know that they can turn to me. I carry out several roles in public life. I am a school governor, a non-executive member of a hospital trust, a trustee for a charity involved in helping the homeless and a committed Rotarian. I draw tremendous satisfaction from undertaking these roles. Happily for me, my useful contributions to the various boards and organisations also means that I receive delicious fuel from those I work alongside and also the grateful beneficiaries of my largesse. I know a couple of people think that I am quick to cut-down unproductive suggestions and destroy pointless ideas but we are all giving our time voluntarily and rambling meetings serve no purpose, other than to irritate me. I need to drive the ideas forward and foolish comments are contrary to achieving that. I don’t get involved amongst the foot soldiers though. No, I am never going to be doling out soup and bread at the street kitchen or leafleting on a cold night, that is for others. I am far better suited to the bigger picture, the grand design and orchestrating campaigns. I am a leader.
This public face also enables me to ensure that should any of my crazy victims ever try to make trouble they will face an uphill struggle. I have at least one lieutenant in each of the bodies I detailed above. Their unswerving loyalty prevents any attack on my standing with the organisations I belong to. Moreover, such a generous and committed individual to service such as me could never carry out some of the defamatory allegations these deranged individuals come out with. Of course, presenting such a charitable face to the outside world is very tiring and that mask becomes so heavy so I am substantially relieved to remove it once the front door has been closed. Unfortunately for you, this means you are left in private with what lurks beneath. Try and tell anyone about what I do to you and you will not be believed. A behemoth of the community such as me cannot be touched. You would do well to keep that in mind and do as I say to avoid me having to unleash my rage and besides I can’t be long, I am meeting the Chief Constable for a drink at the golf club this evening and it would be very irksome if your behaviour made me late wouldn’t it?
49 thoughts on “Community Centre”
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My father to a lesser degree matches this description as does my oldest brother. My father was a family and marriage counselor, was known to be a “family man” and worked for the state helping ex-cons find work. He and another man he worked with started a union there. Upon his return home, however and once the doors closed, deeply critical of those he helped, violence, threats of violence, and emotional abuse abounded.
My brother is a medical doctor. He acted as my father’s head henchman, betraying the rest of his siblings by telling my father about all things told in confidence to get us into trouble. He threatened to put me on a stretcher before I moved out at 18 to go to college even though it was “against the rules” if I left our childhood home, as he was young and “could do more damage than my father if I left.” He widely known to define himself as “a pillar of the community”. I was not present as I stopped going to family gatherings a long time ago, but he got into a fistfight with our sister on his 50th birthday, not unlike what would happen when we were children. His childhood friend who was present at the party told me was shocked that he would do such a thing, and I told him I wasn’t shocked in the least and that he was always like this. It’s amazing what people will believe.
HG
can an empath/Normal person exert control over you. May be the behaviour is because they have been isolated from the society by their narc parents. May be they find it normal?
Do you mean can an empath or normal person exert control over me, HG? If you do, the answer is no.
Do you mean can an empath or normal person exert control over another empath or normal? The answer is yes, but this is far less likely to happen because empaths (and to a degree normal) do not do this.
Aren’t narcissists extroverts by default?
Not necessarily
But they need people’s emotions to get power from; so they need the presence on people…maybe not a lot of people but they will lose energy/get depressed in their own company after long.
Also, empaths for the most part seem introverted. Although it’s been said that introverts can learn extroverted skills – that would be like and empath’s narcissistic traits coming to the fore?
“I’ve always been a people person.” Are you an extrovert Mr. Tudor? I personally find too many people around too often exhausting and boring. People in very close proximity to me for too long tire me out. They suck the energy out of me and I need to retire to re-cultivate it. Your fuel comes from others, my energy is generated by me alone preferably undisturbed. You crave to be the center of attention, I do not and feel comfortable although I am fine if I do get attention. Would those two examples be clear differences between a narcissist and an empath?
I am.
You don’t answer my second question.
What was it?
I emailed it to you instead. Didn’t you receive it?
How interesting. I also saw the most professions for Ns and Ps. I heard some theories based on the potential to extract fuel and other based on the fact that the profession needs hard skin like doctors.
I have a question HG kind of related to this post.
I watched a documentary about Ps in which one of the expert psychologists said there was a place for Ps / Ns in the world. I have to say, I do agree with that to a point, but not for the same reasons as he. (plus not as there are currently and they seem to be increasing in number).
Anyway, as you point out in your post, you and your kind infiltrate certain organisations at a governing level and on the one hand, this has the potential to be damaging, however, as you point out you’re purpose is to gain popularity and seek out more fuel. But inadvertently you also do good by leading others to do good, these people wrongly beleive in you, but it gets things done.
The psychologist on the documentary I saw believed that Ns and Ps were good for society because they are fearless and if for example you needed someone to enter a building which is on fire that no one else would enter, the N / P would do it. My thoughts on this are that the N / P would if there was no risk to themselves and they would be made a hero out of the situation. But if they weren’t going to be a hero they wouldn’t and if there was a risk to themselves they also wouldn’t. And if it was just you and the N and no one else would know, youd be left for dead for sure, unless there was some kind of gain for them.
I’d be really interested in your thoughts on this HG
Good observations Alexis. It is clearly the case that many of our kind are achievers. This is because we are innately talented, we want to be the best, we want the world to see that we are the best, we need to be the best to gather fuel, we need to create and maintain a façade and also we are unburdened with compassions, conscience, guilt and remorse. For us the end always justifies the means which results in us getting the job done. You may not like what we do to get it done, but is gets done all the same. There are many unsavoury things in the world, hard decisions and difficult scenarios and your kind just are not cut out for dealing with them. We are. A number of years ago in the UK there was a government document which was revealed. It referred to planning in the event of a nuclear attack against the UK. One of the suggestions was to put psychopathic individuals in positions of authority post attack because these people would be best placed to begin the terrible work that would need doing and also they would be less affected by the shock and distress of the attack. So as in the programme you watched, these traits of ours are recognised as having considerable value to deal with certain suggestions. I agree that in the burning building scenario if there is no gain for us in terms of fuel then we would not do it. If there was fuel and risk we would still go for the fuel because recklessness (viewed from your perspective) is certainly something that we can engage in if there is fuel on offer.
HG I’d really like to read that document ! Where can I obtain a copy ? Or would I need to FOI it ? What’s it called ?
Yes, much as I hate to admit it, you do serve a purpose I many respects, which some of us would never be able to, to such greatness.
As for the burning building, if there is only an N around to save me, I’ll have to think of a way to make sure he could gain some glorious fuel
It was part of Exercise Regenerate from 1982 which is in the National Archives. The film Threads was closely based on it. It is an excellent film and when it was aired in 1984 its effect was significant and widespread.
I am obliged for the acknowledgement.
Before this blog and the conversation with Sheila an animal rescuer like me, I would have never thought that people who were committed in organizations that help the others, could be Ns. But then it all made sense and I realize they were all over. Coming from a poor country I did participate in many charity actions, but doing the basic operational work like filling up the soup pots, taking care of the kids during health brigades where houses are made out of carton etc etc. singing for the old people on christamas day, taking the sick, smelly and injured dogs in my arms and bringing him to the car… i like really being in contact with the people who are affected. now I realize that the organizers and leaders of all such organizations where I made part of, have many many narcissist traits, I can even think all of them are N.s
The director of the shelter which is still a good friend of mine, a great person and someone I hold dearly in my heart fits to the redflags. Her partner was also part of the shelter and its true they had a tormentous and very toxic relationship but I was far from realizing anything commected to NPD. Everybody thought they had just very different characters.
Making things worse, her partner was also an N as she also fits the redflags and struggled for as long as the relationship survived, to steal away the limelight from her. Now that I think about it the end of the relationship was the partner moving out of the city and implementing NC for ever.
The other person who directed the help brigade was a man 5 feet height journalist always looking for recognition and attention which profited to have affairs with the older women of the group. Something I never really understood as he was extremely unnactractive with a big black moustache 😖😖😖.
Yes HG as you say I think those charity leaders all belong to your kind.
One of the recent bullets I dodged is a very active Rotarian. He gets lots of kudos for his service and he also donates a lot of money to our church. Yes, he is considered Mr. Wonderful and a great catch. He also befriends a number of strong, independent women that he keeps as secondary supply and saves his shenanigans for his primary.
I went out with him a short time after my ex Narc and because I was so broken-hearted and my guard was up- it was easy to see cracks in his mask. Shortly after I stopped seeing him, he ensnared a nurse and is now engaged to her.
She’s the healer but she’s the only one who needs to be saved.
A succinct precis encompassing several elements of the dynamic between our kind and your kind Bethany.
Reading this again, to all “Dexter” fans who posted a few days ago, this describes Season 4’s Trinity Killer to a tee.
Never watched dexter… I googled it.. I remember I watched barnaby jones.. Is it similar? You must have also watched barnaby jones as you said you were in your early 40s…
Never watched Barnaby Jones but I can assure you Dexter is not like that. If you were unable to watch Silence if the Lambs all the way thru, you would probably struggle with this too.
I get the picture.. No i cant watch that stuff when it gets to bloody.. Maybe with somebody sitting by my side that tell me when I can turn my head and continue watching, but all that blood stuff stresses me even if in movie and even when I saw in real life.
Coming from a very violent and dangerous city I had once to see in the 90s in real life how a man got shot in a disco and fell to the floor dead with his bodyguard. I could not sleep ar least for two months in a row.
But I dont think its narcissists only that like all that blood. I think alot of people like that blood. There were many other times when I had to drive by people being shot down in the streets ( yes miami vice style during the 90s in my hometown) and you cant imagine how people would just run to see the dead body and the blood still oozing out and actually stay there until the body was lifted by the authorities. In countries where you get it live people look to watch that too.
I never understood but lots of people not only narcissists are fascinated with that.
Not me.. Although I do like investigation series like breaking bad.
Barbaby jones did not show blood 😃
Nikita, I grew up watching Barnaby Jones! Love that show! So wholesome and clean! I have it all on Blu-ray now via Amazon!
I actually had to Google Barnaby Jones. Lol. Dexter is a serial killer himself but lives by a code to only kill other criminals, killers, dregs of society. It’s intense!
I have to google many things that get said in this blog LOL
So dexter is like a cleaning squad. ( translation from spanish) We also had that live and real where I lived. Killers that get rid of criminals, thieves etc.
police named them cleaning squad.
Haha, he’s a 1- man cleaning squad, but by day works for Miami Forensics as a blood spatter expert on murders. Brilliantly written.
N3 used to have that job at our crime lab! Blood first….then he moved on to alcohol and drug level expert….when a woman took over as district attorney he refused to take orders from her….and walked out…*smh*. How many red flags did it take for me? Too many! Lol
I loved Dexter! Had the biggest crush on him, M!
HG, off topic….is that show Coronation Road still on in the UK? We partied with a guy and a girl that starred in it in Las Vegas years ago….I never heard of the show…but we girls had a friend that had an English BF from London with us on that trip…and he was so excited to party with them…he said it was a popular show!
Coronation Street. Yes, it is an institution in the UK. It is the world’s longest-running soap opera and its creator, Tony Warren, died a couple of months ago. The BBC (which is a competitor channel to ITC which is the channel which airs Coronation Street) showed a fascinating reconstruction about 4 years ago of how the programme was incepted and how it was something of a gamble back then but it took off and never looked back. It is immensely popular and is well known for being entertaining but maintaining a particular humour too. I once dated an actress from the programme.
I wonder if it was the same actress we met in Vegas?! It was 2005….I think. Our friend said the two we met were stars of the show. The lady was blonde…perhaps 5’4 ish? The gentleman was short….like Tom Cruise. Being a group of fly girls with a British guy we got VIP status at a new club that night!
Our London friend was so excited to meet them. Too nervous to approach them himself. Our sociopath friend, S. (This was Before the accident/prison term) approached the gentleman and grabbed his butt to get his attention! Lol! This both embarrassed our friend from London and excited him.
Our friend from London started off as my friend H’s date and reason to visit America….but by the end of the night….he was in love with S…..lol
My goodness: where are you from? Vigilante justice?! Wow! Did it reduce crime at all?
Sounds like Milton Keynes.
There is a place called “Milton”? Ha! Weirdness.
Did my post come through about the community-oriented sociopath/malign narcissist “friend” I (thought I) was close to for several years? It was such a long post, not sure I have it in me to re-live and re-type it again. I hope I clicked the “post comment” button.
It did, I am rather behind on some of the longer posts but will get round to them. Yes Milton Keynes is a new town in the UK which is the source of much amusement for its street layout, odd street names “H7 Orbital”, excessive roundabouts and concrete cows. No, I do not live there by the way. The surrounding villages are very pleasant. Once contains two pubs, one is called The Bull and the other the Cock. Someone would go in the Cock, drink a few pints, hear a story, go in the Bull, drink more, embellish the story and go elsewhere with an exaggerated and beer-infused tale which became known as a Cock and Bull story (i.e. made=up). I understand many of my kind drink in these two pubs.
So when I go back to my hometown I make sure to stay away from those two pubs.. 😂😂 and be safe.
I googled that HG. no it does not sound to me 😂. its a unique city with sun 365 days of sun and people dance day and night. You can almost always see somebody dancing no matter where you are 😃.
Its the capital of Salsa dancing , where it was born for latin alemerica.
No Milton Keynes
Yes that sounds like MK to me!
Hahaha I cant tell you here. But a big city in a country in latin america where there was drug cartel war during the 90s. All of this was during the 90s and no it did not reduce anything. This is over now and the city is again calm and a normal big city in LA.
I think you have it now from where I come from. 😝
Nikita is talking about Milton Keynes again.
Spoiler alert. HG hasn’t watched it!
Ha ha, thank you CE. Oddly enough I haven’t watched it yet I know it already.
Well then that should prove a good teaser for him to watch. Not a deterrent. Haha
I am interested in hearing of any intuitive reactions to reading this post. Is this post mendacious in its nature? if you feel it is, which parts?
Hi F&R
No not at all. Why should it be? Not one gram…
its extremely true like you have read on my post and I would even assure that those who are doing operational charity work but strivimg and seeing how they get to the public limelight or the directive position, have big chamces to be on the spectrum.
Its for me soo obvious now.
All of it but most telling is confessing how heavy the mask gets and must come down once home with the intimate partner in private.
Oh you’re a people person…you don’t actually like people, just what they can do for you. Go meet Chief Constable for a drink at the golf course, show him your fake, smiling face (your “public persona”) I won’t behave any way that will stop you from getting there on time. I’m all too happy to have you out of my hair for an hour.
YES. This one hits close to home. There have been lots of “narcopaths” in my life, but one in particular REALLY drove me to researching, figuring out who does these things, and only now thru this blog and your books am I learning why these people act as they act. The experts” boil it down to envy, but we know it goes so much deeper. It is visceral. Primal. And the more intelligent and aware this breed is, the more skillfully and seamlessly they play their hand.
The one who most effectively got under my skin and burrowed there (until she was ready to chew her path out) was NOT an intimate partner, but a neighbor with whom I became fast friends when we were having our children.
She DID mirror: for years. After the curtain fell, I heard comments like “she was a social climber”, “I never felt comfortable around her”, “we thought something was off with her, but you were such good friends that we ignored our instincts”, and on a lighter note, my inlaws distrusted that couple because they were “fat.”
Retrospectively, many red flags were there: she detailed step-by-step how she “chose” her husband, how she never intended to work so therefore her completing college was unnecessary. Instead, she got a job working at the Constable’s office (lots to learn there). She took care of her parents (verbally, they supported her husband and she while they were starting out). She jumped in and took advantage of siblings’ financial hardships, triangulated family (hers and her husband’s). This woman was not liked by her in-laws: she coached her husband into therapy to mourn his father’s death (although he was alive) to further seal the split between her husband and his fsmily.
Once married with babies, she began to take over HOA positions to exert control. Once her kids were school-age, she hit the jackpot with PTA: charmed the pants off of the most beloved principal to ever work in our district, he gave her a seat on the Education Foundation. She then controlled the neighborhood and the schools. She was a serial-CPS caller, threatened ppl with things which sounded reasonable to us (given her positions) but which she really had no control over.
With my family, she did things (secretly) so awful, from the beginning, that I couldn’t leave the house for weeks. Things like calling Child Protective Services to file fraudulent abuse claims. In the end, she gaslighted, projected, and made her ridiculous stories up mostly about my minor children, not slways me. She involved school officials, school therapists, teachers, neighbors… Thankfully she moved.
After losing my 10-year friendship for reasons never told to me, I was stunned to find that there was a whole world of wonderful friends and neighbors, people who avoided me previously when I arrived here because I was friends with her!
I learned about sociopaths at that point. That was six years ago. This blog, these books: they are a WHOLE different set of information which would have healed me years faster back then. Armed with your work, HG, I would not have turned my head at any of the more recent Ns who came since.
HG, I am sure that you have committed atrocities which even you would prefer not to post. These writings of yours are helping targets, exposing Ns (saving them from committing atrocities on ppl, bc the ppl are now informed), and I think these writings are acts of kindness which will negate some of your bad deeds.
Keep writing. You have almost half-a-million hits on this blog: it makes up for a lot of history. I, for one, can forgive myself a little bit (now) for letting such a person slither into my family’s lives, and she tried to cause a great deal of damage to my oldest.
Thankfully, I think, he is strongly N-inclined. I see things in him which tell me he is not malignant. He resisted her well, even in toddlerhood.
WAY TMI…
Thank you for your post, yes there is much that I have done which I have not shared so far, but what I do I try to do so in order to demonstrate a point. I will keep writing as I do enjoy it and I enjoy the interaction with you all. I also want to be the best at conveying how we act and think in a manner which is both interesting and accessible. It is interesting how you talk of the negation of bad deeds. I never regard my behaviour as a need to balance or atone but I recognise how you and you kind are “big” on this kind of thing. I do appreciate your comments nevertheless.