The Hateful Eight of Hearing

 

 

When you speak, this is what we actually hear. We hear the words but the effect differs. You say the words in bold but beneath is what we really hear you say to us.

 

  1. I Love you

 I admire you. I adore you. You are a god. You are a prince among men. Nobody does it better. You are a king, an emperor, a champion. You are everything that I have ever wanted. I would wither and die were it not for you. I want to be with you forever. I want to worship beneath you and give thanks minute by minute that someone so scintillating, so special and so brilliant as you would choose me to be by your side. I will give you sweet, potent and invigorating fuel now and forever. I am bound to you now, do as you will.

 

  1. Please leave me alone

Stay and punish me. I am disloyal and a traitor. I have wronged you on so many occasions and I deserve everything that I get. I am weak, pathetic and disgusting and I am amazed at your generosity in remaining with me. I have failed you and I am so unworthy I wish to crawl into a hole and die there but I ought to face you and accept my punishment because my treacherous behaviour deserves nothing less. Continue to berate and denigrate me and reinforce why you are so much better than me.

 

  1. Why are you doing this to me?

 I am challenging your right to treat me like this because I am suggesting that you are not entitled to do this. I am making it plain that you are not superior to me and you have no basis for behaving like this. I am trying to make you feel small and weak because I am disloyal and I am always looking for ways to stop you getting fuel. I am a traitor, a fifth columnist who is seeking to bring you down and topple this empire that you have created. I am criticising your entitlement. Do you hear that word you hate so much? Criticise. You need to carry on and punish me.

 

  1. What would you like for dinner?

 I am trying to irritate you by suggesting that I do not already know. I am doing this because I am suggesting that I do not think ahead, plan and second guess to cater for your every need. Do you know why I am suggesting that? Do you know why I am pretending that I do not already know? It is because I want to strip you of your special and superior status. Yes, this is another of my seditious acts which is designed to make you think and feel that you are losing your power over me. It’s working isn’t it? You are feeling weakened and you are wondering what other treacherous acts I will engage in. Why don’t you lose your temper and throw something about? That will show me.

 

5. I think the blue shirt looks better on you

I am telling you that your choice of the red shirt is a bad one. Do you know why that it is? It is because you know nothing about clothes and fashion. In fact I am going further than that because I am actually telling you that you know nothing at all and I know better than you. Yes, can you believe it? Little old stupid me knows more than this supposed god that stands before me. How does that make you feel now eh? I love doing this. I love to challenge your choices and make you appear stupid next to me, a person who is apparently useless. Does this hurt? I thought so. That is why I do it because I am trying to destroy you with comments like this. I think you should storm out of the room and leave the house for a couple of days so I know who is in charge.

 

6.There’s something wrong with you

 I am on to you. I know what you are. I know there is something rotten in the state of you. You are warped, evil and not the person you make out to be. I am not fooled any longer by your showmanship and I am going to tell everyone about you. I know the truth of what you are. Oh I know, how can I know when I am the one who has the problem. I know that I’m really the crazy one and I do nothing but make your life hell, but I am trying to brush that under the carpet by suggesting that you are the oddball, the maniac, the fruit loop, the kerazy wild-eyed freak. How dare I do so when I am the one that is obviously ill and needs help. I know I do but I like to play this game with you but it’s okay, you should go and tell everyone else what I am doing again and why not arrange for me to see a doctor too to give it a real ring of authenticity?

 

 7. Please don’t leave me

I am weak and pathetic and useless. I should have known better than to fail you. I will do anything, anything at all to make you stay with me. You can treat me even worse now. Do what you will to me, I am nothing compared to you. I should be punished for my transgressions because I am so pathetic compared to your greatness. I am nothing without you. You have given me everything and like a spoilt child I have been so ungrateful but I need you. There I have said it. I need you so, so much because you are fantastic and you do so much for me and I am just a horrible person. You can treat me like dirt because that is what I deserve but why not ensure I get the message by walking out and staying away for several weeks without ever getting in touch. That should show who is boss shouldn’t it?

 

8. It is over.

 Well I have said that but that is not what I meant. I meant I am an idiot and I say things which I do not mean because let’s be honest, there must be something wrong with me if I want to be apart from someone like you, someone so special, kind and wonderful who has only ever tried to do the right thing and someone who has only ever had my best interests at heart. I don’t mean it really. I am just doing it for attention, but I need you to tell me why I should stay and it would be great if you cried a bit too, just to make it look like you are really upset by me telling you it is over. Go on, squeeze a couple out to show me you really are human and can be hurt by my horrible threat. Oh and don’t be concerned, I know you finished it first.

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Jettison

 

 

There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are discarded. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.

You are given no warning that you are about to be discarded, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the discard takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the discard is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of discard has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of discard arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased. We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, discarded and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you. Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you. This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.

Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless. We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions. This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of discard. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.

These are just two forms of the way we will discard you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be discarded. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.

Don’t be too concerned though. No discard is for ever. We always come back for more.

In the End it Has to Hurt

By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

The Seven Sins of Sorrow

 

1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

Found Out to a Lesser Degree

 

 

“I know what you are.”

How many times have you wanted to tell the abuser you have become entangled with that you have finally worked out what they are? It might be during your period of abuse, it may be when you have cast aside, it might be when you have been hoovered back in, but you have eventually gained some insight and enlightenment and I know your desire to impart this knowledge is overwhelming. You want us to listen to you as you tell us that you now know what we are. You want us to listen and listen well.

It is a paradox that such a comment as that above causes greatest concern and alarm to the greater of our kind, but before I detail the effect that those words have on the greater narcissist, let us look at the lower functioning member of our exclusive club and how it affects him, the lesser narcissist. Those of our brethren who are of the lesser variety will have no comprehension of what they are and such a revelation is meaningless to them. Tell the lesser of our kind that you know what they are and in all likelihood you will be met with a dismissive shrug or a demand that you explain yourself. If you tell a lesser narcissist what they are and that you know, his lack of awareness will lead him to laugh at your use of the word and he will no doubt ask you what is for dinner or to grab him a beer. If you leave the matter there, it will be forgotten about and the insight you have offered will not even make a mark on the lesser narcissist. He knows he isn’t one of them. He probably would struggle to spell it. But perhaps you are not done. You are an empath after all and you want your narcissist, even though you may not know he is from the lesser school, to understand what he is. You also want him to know that you know. For too long you have been on the back foot and now you want to recover some power. You are a disciple of knowledge. You are an acolyte who worships at the altar of understanding and you have deemed that this time your narcissist, lesser even though he may be, should be aware of what he is and that you are in full possession of the facts. You are not going to let him shrug this one off. Should you then spell it out and describe that person as a narcissist they may not even know what one is.

“What do you mean I am a narcissist?” is the most likely response to such an allegation. He is not accepting it is he? You need to give him more. You need to put some flesh on the bones for him.

“You. You are a narcissist. You build people up, you make them feel special and loved and then for no reason you turn nasty. That’s what your kind do. You think of nobody but yourself. I have been nothing but good to you and you treat me like dirt.”

“That’s bullshit, who has been filling your head with such nonsense?”

“My friend Paula has read all about your kind after I was telling her about how horrible you are to me. She showed me a book and I have read it and you fit the profile. You are a narcissist, a horrible and empty abuser.”

Will he get the picture now? Will he have a breakthrough in understanding now that you know exactly what he is? Have you landed a blow and stripped him of his abusive powers?

The level manner in which you deliver these observations will result in one response and one response only from the lesser narcissist. The ignition of his fury. He will not have a moment of insight. He will not accept what you have said. He will not slink away wounded by being called a narcissist. The word narcissist is meaningless to him. He isn’t one though, he knows that much, but the issue of whether he is one or not is immediately pushed to the wayside. He knows that your use of the word and the context in which it has been used, along with your calm descriptions of “abuser”, “nasty” and “horrible” amounts to a criticism of him or perhaps more accurately described, he does not think this through and assess that you are criticising him. No, he only knows that what you have said is wrong and all of a sudden a ferocious rage has engulfed him and you have to be punished.

The reality is that your words have wounded him because he is better than you and you are weaker than him. He does not think this through because he is a lesser narcissist. He responds and reacts in a knee jerk fashion. Who are you to criticise someone as mighty as him? You should know your place. His churning fury is ignited and he cannot control it as it bursts from him like lava erupting from a volcano.

“Oh fucking Paula has been telling you has she? How many times have I told you to stay away from her? She’s nothing but a goddamn trouble maker. Why do you not do as you are told?” he shouts and moves towards you in a menacing fashion.

“She isn’t a trouble maker; she cares about me.”

“She is always interfering, I am sick of her and your other arsehole friends. I am the head of this house, not them, do you understand?”

“I am sick of you bullying me, leave me alone!” you shout back.

“If you did as you were told, I wouldn’t have to do this would I?” he yells and the all too familiar open-hand cracks you across the face as he loses control of the ignited fury and assaults you. You cry out in pain, hand raised to the already reddening mark on your cheek as he continues his ferocious tirade causing you to back away. Your attempt to get him to realise that you know has been lost, subsumed beneath the ferocious fury that you have ignited through his criticism of him. His response is to go on the attack and make you scared, upset and worried of what else might happen. He swipes another arm sending some ornaments on a shelf crashing to the floor causing your hypervigilant self to jump as the pottery smashes against the filed floor. The lesser narcissist does not know that he to do this, it is an immediate response, a defence mechanism to your criticism. He will not understand what you mean by calling him a narcissist. He will not accept it. As you try and explain what it means, if you do so in a calm and measured manner all you are doing is criticising him and this will always ignite his fury. With the lesser narcissist he is less able to regulate his response and most of the time, subject to where you are, he will respond with verbal and physical violence as he has to draw an immediate reaction from you to stop the wounding effect of your criticism. This fuel you pour forth as your tears fall or you shout at him enables him to address the wound you have created. He does not know any of this because he is lower functioning, he just responds. That is why when you tell a lesser narcissist you know what he is, it is a pointless exercise. He will either shrug it off since it is meaningless to him or if you pursue the point you will end up being attacked in some manner because you ignite his fury.

He cannot see it. He is not allowed to see it, but he must be allowed to defend himself and with most of our methods, the best form of defence is attack. So, what of those of us in the greater school? How is it different when you tell us that you know what we are? Well, that comes next. How many times have I told you to be patient? I do wish you would listen to me.

Keeping it Personal

I do find it fascinating that you take everything so personally. You complain about the amount of time which I spend playing a strategy game on my laptop or fiddling with my iphone. I am enjoying playing that game or connecting with people through social media on my Iphone, it is nothing against you. Just because I spend an entire afternoon cleaning, waxing and polishing my car, you go into a sulk. Why? The fact I really like my new car and take pride in keeping it looking good is surely a good thing isn’t it? You automatically assume that it is some kind of slur against you because I am outside buffing the bodywork and not sitting talking to you. I choose to go to the match with a few friends rather than go shopping with you and there is an almighty bust-up. Why is that? I like watching sport and shopping does not really interest me. In fact, I prefer to do my shopping online or if I do go to the stores, I go alone. That way I know what I want, I can go an buy it and then leave. In and out. The best method and preferable to dawdling along behind slow-walking people in a mall. Yet you seem to regard this choice of mine as some kind of stain against your character. It is not.

Even when we have one of our frequent arguments and I hurl insults at you, you always take them to heart. You should not do so. I may criticise your haircut or the jumper you are wearing, I may seize on a character trait and make that a source of a scathing remark against you and you go to pieces. There is no need. I do not actually see you. You are but an object to me and I insult everybody. I have no prejudices, I hate everybody equally. You happen to bear the brunt of these remarks because you spend more time with me. I do the same in the workplace or amongst certain friends. It is not personal to you at all, I am merely pressing the button on the relevant appliance to ensure that I am getting my fix of fuel. For some reason, you descend into a spiral of despair and question your self-esteem and worry about your self-worth. You sit with a trusted circle and recount the torments and insults (why do that? You are just pulling the scab off the wound) as you question why is it you that I am so awful to. It isn’t you. I have no concept of you. You and all the over appliances blur into one. You are machines for the production and provision of fuel. Perhaps if you started to remember that that is the case you would feel less troubled by my behaviour and remarks in the future. Try it, you never know you might just for once stop thinking that it is all about you.

Ten Commandments

 

 

1. I am right. You are wrong.

Everything I say and do is founded in the logic of my world and it follows that is has to be right. It equally follows therefore that whatever you say and do is wrong. I cannot ever allow you to be seen to be right because that means I am ceding control to somebody whom I regard as inferior. This undermines my sense of superiority. Maintaining this state of me being right and you being wrong requires various manipulative techniques including blame-shifting, projection, denial and deflection. Of course I am relying on your need to be understood and your desire to change me that you will always approach this stance of mine head on. My position will seem illogical to you and you will react to it and keep doing so.

2. There is no you and me. There is only me.

You are purely an extension of myself. I want to subsume everything about you into me. This is part of the reason why I seduce you with such totality. I am unable to discern where you begin and where I end. I regard you as an appliance that is to be plugged into me and is there to do my bidding, providing me with fuel, looking after me and responding to everything that I command. I forbid you to act independently of me, have interests beyond me and to interact with others. I am what is important. You must focus on me and only me. Your needs become secondary to my needs.

3. Do as I say, not as I do.

Do not question me. Who are you to question someone as brilliant as me? Know your place. Submit to me and carry out my whims. Accede to my commands. I am entitled to do as I please and therefore any contradiction in my behaviour is a mistaken belief on your part. You may regard what I say and do as hypocrisy but you are wrong once again. This is pragmatism on my part and that is why I succeed whilst you fail.

4. One is never enough

Such is my might that one of you is not enough to sustain me. It is my right to gain fuel from all those that I interact with. This means I will be unfaithful but my infidelity is purely a means to an end. By all means react to my affairs and indiscretions, for it is all excellent fuel for me, but you will not stop me from taking another. Expect to be triangulated with other people and objects, for my appetite is so vast I must have many supply lines of fuel and this means you will become a cog inside a vast machine, as wheels turn within wheels.

5. Your pain is my gain

I cannot exist without drawing negative fuel from you at some point. It is retribution for your failings. There is no hope for an alternative. Your devaluation will happen as it has with many before you and those who are yet to come. It is a process and your agony, hurt and distress is purely part of the necessary equation to sustain me. It is drawn from you through many machinations, some you may see and others you will not.

6. You are worthless yet I will never leave you alone

You are inferior to me and that inferiority infuriates me since I am reminded that I must depend on someone weak and pathetic. This in turn generates hatred and despising of this chained situation I find myself in. I will cast you to one side once you have served your purpose and my disgust for you can no longer be tolerated. This is not the end however because I will always return to exhibit my power to draw you back one again and suck further fuel from you.

7. I am everywhere. I am everything

I am omnipotent and omniscient. I have my spies and errand boys all around as they feed me information about you which I can then use against you and to further my agendas. I have my Lieutenants carrying out my orders without question. I instil myself in every aspect of your life, making you see me, hear me and smell me, even after I am no longer physically near you. I imbue my essence into so much that my toxic memory pervades you for years after you have been cast aside, allowing me to return triumphant, as if nothing ever happened, to draw you into my false world once more.

8. The games are always being played.

The quest for fuel is unending. To achieve this I must engage in repeated and sustained manipulations and machinations. You and others are but pawns on my giant chessboard as I move you hither and thither in order to achieve my aims. I plot, plan and scheme before I organise, arrange and orchestrate. Each and every day I must engage in these nefarious games in order to secure my existence and as my chosen primary appliance you will be caught in this malicious web, right in the centre. My game-playing means nothing is as it seems, that truth is a stranger to me and lies flow from my mouth as easily as expelled breath.

9. I will never change

I will issue false promises of changing, empty protestations that I shall seek help and perfidious declarations of knowing I need to alter my behaviour but I never shall. I deny what I am, although for the most part I know full well what I am. I see no reason to change. Why should I when this how I have been created? Why should I when this is all I know? Why should I when it is all your fault anyway?

10. Fuel is the rule.

Fuel is at the centre of everything that I do. My actions and decisions are based on acquiring the precious resource. My interaction with strangers, minions, acquaintances and friends is all hinged on the gathering of fuel. The way in which I deal with colleagues and family is always based on the greatest potential for the collection of fuel. My thoughts are invaded with the need to gain fuel, my actions are dictated by the requirement to garner fuel. Fuel is the reason you were chosen. Fuel is the reason you were seduced, debased and discarded. Fuel is why I came back. Again and again.

Fuel is everything.

A Madman’s Diary

 

 

I recently picked up a book that I had not read for many years. It is called A Madman’s Diary by Lu Xun. I have a translated copy. It is an interesting book and one which is rather relevant but that is not the purpose of mentioning it. It was, as I was leafing through to find a particular section, the place where a piece of neatly folded paper slipped from the pages of the book and nestled on the floor. Interested by this runaway piece of paper I set the book down and stooped to pick up the piece that lay beneath me. The paper was cream and of a decent weight and I smiled as I recognised where it had come from. It was the only thing that she had in common with my mother but she also knew the value of writing on a quality piece of paper. I unfolded it and there was my confirmation of the author as her neat, copperplate writing spread out before me. She always wrote with a fountain pen, a Mont Blanc and she kept a pot of ink at my house as she preferred to draw the ink from the pot into the pen rather than use the cartridges. I used to enjoy watching her as she carefully applied the nib to the dark liquid and then applied the mechanism to draw it up before cleaning off the oozing nib with a piece of blotting paper which soon became stained in a way not unlike the cover of the book which I had just put to one side. She used to hold up the blotting paper and invite me to comment on what I saw. I played along, since Rorschach was familiar to me. I always invented something spectacular though so she would comment and do so with her eyes with impressed admiration.

“I see a lion eating out a bison from behind,” I would say slowly and she would twist the blotting paper and peer at it to see if she accorded with my view.

“I see a crow stuck in the branches of a tree.”

“I see a dented crown.”

“I see a conflagration about a baby.”

“I see dumb people.”

Each time she filled her elegant writing instrument we would have this little game of me looking at the blotting paper, with its splodges, dots and streaks and without very little hesitation declare some imaginary image which left her both intrigued and confused. It must have been some time since I had last recalled us doing this together as her memory would rarely ever invade my consciousness and it would take something like this to restore that which had once been. I shoved it back into the depths of my memory where it was best kept.

Thus I turned to the letter and read its contents. It was her last letter to me. I think that is why I placed it in this book since I had been reading it at the time and I decided to use her letter as a bookmark rather than place it with all the others that I have received. This is what she wrote:-

“My dearest HG,

This is not some lengthy treatise. We have spoken for as long and as often as we could already and there is no need for repetition. I know I have offended you most gravely and  that is something I have never intended nor wished upon your gracious self. You have taught me many things and you set me higher than anyone else and for that you will always have my thanks and eternal gratitude. You truly are a prince amongst men and you always showed the grace of princes whenever you dealt with me. I think, more than anything else that it was your nobility, both in standing and purpose that drew me to you the closest. Even when you became both base and abominable you still exacted that majesty for which I have always loved you and I can only look to my own failings as to why you did as you did. I have issued a thousand sorrows for that which I did not do and that which I did not say. I offered you everything that I had but it was not enough and I remain ashamed of my failure, it is not something I often encounter. I think of you often and that will never change, I am sure of that. I remain willing to help you overcome those obstacles. I still regard them as surmountable and I am saddened that time was against us in terms of addressing them, but I remain hopeful that somehow we shall do so, in whatever form we decide and I will be by your side come what may. I will take this time you have designated as a sabbatical from you and I as one for reflection and improvement, you know how I am. Thank you for once again for our time in the sun, I know you have described it as no more than a howling wilderness and I would be lying if I said that such a description does not upset me. For me, it remains a place of safety and sanctuary and I firmly believe we can achieve it once again, should you decide to give me a further chance. I shall respect your request and not contact you again but I remain always open and amenable to you reaching out to me and indeed I would welcome it. All I ask now is for your forgiveness in the full knowledge that I deserve none.

Eternal love

C.”

As I read the letter once again a show reel of images filtered through my mind. Memories re-surfaced some of them not having been resurrected before. I felt those shared memories and those shared occasions stir something once again. In accordance with the recent instruction I have received I allowed this to wash over me, rather than reject it and lock it away again. The sensation flowed over me and it was familiar to me.  I recognised all those traits that had caused me to seek her out all that time ago. I recognised the feeling of the fuel that flowed from her. That was what I felt. This piece of correspondence, elegantly written and delicately composed encapsulated the powerful allure that we possess. I need not detail what I put her through once the golden period ended. You have you own experiences of that to draw on which will allow you to comprehend the brutality that such denigration exacted on someone who could write in such terms. Notwithstanding the cruelty and malice, her charity remained undiminished and stood as testament to the very things that I saw when our paths first crossed. This letter indeed reinforced what I knew. I was right. I folded it up and returned it to its rightful and appropriate place in the folds of the book once again, sealing it inside, placing her back in her tomb.

Smells Like Victory

Winning is everything to me. I have to win. This applies to every facet of my life. You will be aware of not only my desire to win but the fact that I always come up smelling of roses. I know you find this particularly unfair as this is something that has been hurled in my direction on several occasions,

“You just walk away from the carnage you create without so much as a scratch.”

“You carry on as if nothing has happened without a care about what you have done.”

“How is it that someone as nasty as you just gets to sail through life untouched?”

“You cause so much misery yet you always land on your feet.”

I am able to fire the useless employee without worrying about how that will impact on his or her life. I do know that this will improve productivity. The weak link has been expunged and the ruthlessness by which it is executed causes those still in employment to work harder. Result? It’s a win. I renege on financial arrangements which leave your position in tatters and mine intact. I use my charm and plethora of excuses to always avoid having to pay for dinner, for an evening out or a holiday. Consequently you carry the burden of our entertainment whilst my bank balance grows. Amazingly, you are aware that I out earn you but the application of my manipulative techniques results in you happily forking out for that weekend away, again. You do it because I have been so loving and charming to you. You do it because I have been so brutal to you yet you still want to please me. Whichever stance I adopt, seduction or devaluation, I secure the desired result. The win.

My lack of conscience and legendary capacity to tell lies sees me grind you into submission during any discussion about financial settlements so that you are left exhausted and just wanting an end to it all. Accordingly, you agree to a far weaker position than that which you might be entitled to. I threaten unfounded complaints to ensure I gain an upgrade, free vouchers or a better outcome for me. I have no qualms about fabricating such a position in order to secure the result I want. It’s another win.

The skill by which I control friendships sees me lob the metaphorical hand grenade into a friendship group and I will stroll away as it detonates behind me causing carnage. I watch from the side lines as friend turns on friend, based on the whispered smear campaign I have created for my own amusement. This is another win as I marvel at my power over people. Nobody has the presence of mind to direct their anger towards me. Oh no, I am too clever to be sucked into that and I can stand and observe the bitter recriminations all stemming from my behaviour. I will always move on to a new relationship without a backwards glance, my smile radiating from every picture and posting that I can muster. I leave you in abject misery as you watch dumbfounded as I find someone new in a matter of days (or more often I already have them lined up). You are staggered as to how I can do this so easily after my proclamations of undying love towards you. How can it be right that you, the one who gave everything and always behaved so properly is left distraught, confused and bereft whilst I waltz around town without a care in the world? Why am I never upset or miserable?  It seems unjust and unfair. Why do I always seem to win? Why do I get the cream, win the main prize and have the golden ticket? It is because of how I am designed. I am designed to win. That is my sole focus. By winning I gain admiration and power which gives me fuel. You know how I need that fuel and therefore to secure it I have to win. Unlike you, I have been created with the skill sets that allow me to behave without integrity, to function without a conscience and to sail through life untouched by moral concerns. Normal people are upset and troubled by my machinations, but I am not hampered by such concerns. They do not affect me. I have been fashioned to always secure the win because without it I cannot survive. That is why I have to win and that is why I always win. There is no hope for any other outcome. By the time you and others have worked out that I have been the architect of the chaos and destruction that surrounds you I am long gone. I have left town and ridden off into the sunset in search of my next victory, having conquered you before any consequences of defeat can come looking for me,

The Constant Farmer

 

 

Farmers are hard workers. They and us share similarities. We plough a singular furrow through life, unwavering and determined. Their lives are full yet they never really have time or opportunity to connect fully with other people because they have so many demands. They till the field and broadcast the seed, tending to the various crops as they watch and wait allowing the barley or corn, the potatoes or beet to grow to the optimum position before moving quickly to harvest them whilst the sun shines and they can garner the very best from their endeavours. Once a particular harvest has been safely gathered in, they once would burn the stubble and what had been built up was now cut down and razed to the ground so that it returned to the earth. Animals need to be fed, mucked out, treated for disease and tended to when they give birth to new offspring. Buildings must be maintained, fences repaired, the weather watched and produce sold. Cows have to be milked, sheep shorn and pigs sold to bring home the bacon. Lambing time is a repeated battle to ensure the lambs are safely delivered with the farmer rising through the night to assist a particular ewe who may be struggling with her birth. Having helped bring forth the lamb, from the ewe being tupped, to giving birth, the lamb is then sent for slaughter. Again, that which he has built must be destroyed. It is a repeated and endless cycle, much like that which we adopt.

It is the tenth day of a silent treatment. I have removed all contact with you and left you concerned, anxious and bewildered. It is the fourth silent treatment in as many months and each one becomes longer than the one before. You have yet to work and understand what this signifies and fortunately for me you are engaged in trying to work out what is wrong and trying still to contact me. Your repeated messages and telephone calls all provide me with the negative fuel as I envisage you sat there, worried and unsettled as you tap in another text message pleading with me to get in contact with you. I picture you lying awake at night, repeatedly glancing at your ‘phone in the hope that it will light up with a response from me. You wonder what I am doing during this absence and because of who you are, your thoughts are based on concern. Have I fallen ill or something worse? Have I suffered some bad news and become depressed? Have I become a recluse? Your enquiries of my friends have proven fruitless but then they would since my coterie and Lieutenants have all been briefed that you have been horrible to me and therefore they should not respond in any helpful fashion. You hit a brick wall of resistance which puzzles you all the more. The rolled-eyes as a lieutenant shakes his head and hurries away from you as you halt your approach with confusion gripping you. You wonder whether I am locked away somewhere, engulfed in grief. In fact, I am busy hoovering your predecessor who I had just subjected to a lengthy silent period. My time away from you is not spent playing video games, watching cable television or sleeping. Not at all. Just like the farmer, I am busy tending to my crops. I am contacting all my various secondary sources of fuel, giving them a blast of golden sunshine so that their attraction to me does not wane. A few drinks with one set of inner circle friends, some flirtatious text messages with some remotes strangers and drinks with an outer circle friend who is a serious candidate for promotion to an intimate partner if I should tire completely of you and your predecessor. I am sowing the seeds, repairing the fences, milking the cows and shearing the sheep. So much to do. I am also applying my endeavours to the hoover on your predecessor and this is occupying my time as I apologise to her for my period of silence. I explain that I needed to be alone, to assess where my life was leading me and I am sorry I disappeared without saying anything but it just descended on me. I realised I had to change but I wanted to make sure that this was a real, deep-seated desire, not some butterfly like passing fancy and that was why I was gone for so long. I have trotted out the speech before and it is invariably successful and I see no reason why it will not be now. This will result in your silent treatment continuing beyond the tenth day as I take your predecessor back into the fold. I will hopefully be spending the night with her tonight as she has already agreed to dinner, although I will be taking her somewhere you will not find us. I do not want you knowing about her, not yet anyway. I need to safely gather this harvest in before I can boast about how many bushels I have collected. Once she has been hoovered back in I will announce our reconciliation. You will probably learn about it when you look again at my Facebook page for signs of activity. I know you are doing this activity every day, that is why I have not blocked you but there is nothing being posted, so the silence continues. It won’t for much longer and you will learn about her and I being together again, which will of course prompt a large dose of negative fuel from you once you learn of this.

Of course at some point it will be necessary to sow the seeds of seduction with you once again. You are on the cusp of having the flame applied to what remains of your relationship as I erase you, just as fire did to those cropped crops in the past. I will too busy showing off my prize animal, grooming it and feeding it, so it grows strong and plump, the envy of all those who are observing. How does he do it? What is his secret? How does he always manage to find such a prize specimen and make it his? The awards and accolades will pile up, testimony to the excellent stock that I have acquired until it is such time to lead her to the slaughter and cast her to one side, just as I have been nurturing the growth of your crop once again, watering you and allowing hot, golden sunshine to play on you once again.

This is how it is. You may think this silence is one where I am just away from you either ill, isolated or in contemplation. I am not. I am busy with your predecessor, just like the farmer who always has something to attend to. The days roll by, the seasons come and go, but both the farmer and I have work to attend to as we grow and harvest. We are so similar. We both have crops and flocks. We both grow, nurture and develop. We both slaughter. We both harvest. We are the constant farmers.