Set Me Free
Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.
What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.
51 thoughts on “Set Me Free”
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I’m still trying to figure out if mine was a narcissist. There’s a lot of red flags now that I look back. I bought him a new phone for his birthday recently and then he pretty much quit talking to me, then I found him on a date site. When we did talk he was an ass. So I reported that phone stolen..I decided why should he have one more thing that I gave him. I guess he figured it out yesterday and called me throwing a fit. Saying he’s tired of me having control of his stuff…lol I thought that was funny..when did I ever have control.
Hello Christy, there are signs there from what you have described. What are the other red flags which you refer to?
We should not let anyone else, nor ourselved defeat our present because of the past. 🌈🌅
You said you got out .. why does if matter to you if he is getting married and to whom .. are you sure you wanted to get out .. if that is your reaction to his marriage Debbie
His marriage doesn’t bother me….I am just amused by the contrast of what he now wants with her was the stuff he said he didn’t want with me. He mirrored me and now he is mirroring her. Oh yes I left because I was tired of living that life AND the fact he threatned my son!! That was the final straw for me. I am not the only one who thinks him getting engaged 4 months after me is a joke lol…. like I said, I find it interesting that now that I am no longer with him the red flags are sooooo clear but love bombing keeps you from seeing that. I’m on the outside now and it is so clear but when you are on the inside you think it is a normal relationship….it is not!
Debbie compared to my ex 4 mths is ages mine was engaged 5 weeks later and married after 12 weeks post discard. You’re quite right when you’re in the thick of it all seems so wonderful and normal.
I think the posts are playing up tonight 😓
I guess I should clarify my struggle this past week…it definately has nothing to do with his marriage. It is because I spent 5 years with him and I still question myself as to “what did I do wrong” “what could I have done different”…etc all the questions we struggle with as an empath. I tried keeping my mouth shut, let him do what he wanted, but nothing worked because he changed the rules to the game every week! One day he was super sweet and caring and then the next flipped out! He constantly lied even though I knew what he was telling me was false and when I called him out on any lies it was hell! He would deny he said or did things even when I could recall specific details about the event!!! I thought I really was going crazy at times!!! There were some good times but the bad definately outweighed them. And he had no remorse for the way he treated his daughter when his empty promises upset her. The alcohol he drank did not help matters either. His family knows what he is and they feel for me and don’t blame me for leaving…I just feel like I let his daughter down….. I could not bear to stay any longer for myself and my son!
Debbie, I know exactly what you’re going though. My ex is 35, not currently dating a 21 year old to my knowledge, but I know he would. Not that he’d go out of his way, but if the right kind of “target” came along, age wouldn’t really matter. We separated 3ish months ago. Years ago, he left me for a then 16-17 year old. I remember being very upset about this, and a friend pointed out that age didn’t really matter, that I’d probably be just as upset regardless. I think I’ve finally come to understand this. I think I made the age a big deal because 1) it was an easy way to put blame on him, make him the “bad guy” because he was so much older, and 2) I didn’t have to face how much him leaving really hurt, if I was more focused on being angry about who he chose as my “replacement”. I think even now, maybe especially now, I have done a lot of creative things to avoid my true feelings, my pain. Even if it seemed like I was in pain, I was often lying, even to myself, as a way to avoid something bigger.
So in a way, I think the age thing doesn’t matter, at least in the way I had been telling myself – the truth was this: who he left me for mattered much less than just the fact of him leaving. My life was the same really, whether he dated someone 17 or 70, either way, I was alone, hurt, and missing him.
Having said that, I think the age thing does matter. Back then I was around 23, and already I felt old. I had been replaced with a “younger model.” (Funny also, because I had done some modeling.) We can try all we want to be pretty, but we can never stay young. How silly to be so young and feel so old. But it’s an idea society has been ingraining in us our whole lives.
You said exactly something I’ve been thinking – they go for younger, because the young are dumb 🙂 We we met I was 20, he was 27. And also very inexperienced dating wise. Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t see all this sooner. Then I realize how much older he was, how many years he had been practicing his craft before I came along, and I was totally naive. He’s good at what he does and he’s smart, that’s why he picks someone who is a good fit.
One last thought – someone called you out: “Why should you care about him getting married?” And you said “it’s really not about that.” For me, I realize that I hurt because I missed him, everything we had, real or not, and it’s hard to see someone you’ve been with for so long, 8 years now, move on so easily and so quickly, and offer such shitty logic that you just can’t make sense of any of it. I’m not saying you’re like me when I was lying to myself, I don’t even know you. But I would invite you to take a closer look, if for no other reason than to shift your focus from him/her and onto your own life. Ask yourself how you really feel. And be ok with whatever is there. Feel no need to defend yourself to anyone. If there’s no pain, know that that is perfectly ok. And if you find there is pain, know that’s ok too. You’re doing just fine, you’re right where you should be.
Very well said KP, I keep focussing on the fact the women my ex narc left me for was ll the things he said he hated, she wasn’t white ( he was always against non white British ) she’s on entrapaneur ( he said they got in his nerves) she was younger than me ( he said he preferred to date women older than himself although I was only 3 mths older than he. He said he hated it in India where he was seconded turns out he loved it. The list goes on. My pain as you say comes from me feeling inadequate as he left me for a high flyer. I work in middle management of my profession. She’s a Vice President, now after reading your comment I see that it wouldn’t matter who she was, what nationality or age I’d still feel this pain. It’s because I tried to keep him at arms length for so long trying to not get hurt following a violent abusive marriage to my ex husband. Then I let him win me over and he followed up by destroying me emotionally in a split second.
Oh wow once again the post and comments are right on! I have been struggling this past week for some reason and I think it is because I get busy and get behind on the posts. It is encouraging to me to know I am not crazy! I also just found out yesterday that my ex got engaged over the weekend and is getting married in July….He has been with her 4 months and moved her in the week after I broke it off for good with him. It is amazing that I can see all the red flags now that I am on the outside….he didn’t want to marry or have kids with me…..he is jumping into marriage and going to have more kids lol….of course all the reasons he broke up with me is why she is so perfect…lol not to mention she is still a kid and is dumb…she is going to get more than she bargained for! Obviously he chose someone that is 21 And 14 years younger because he can easily fool her. Lucky for me I got out before he broke me completely…but I still feel this horrible emptiness….Ugggh…hate it!!! I really am not that dumb…just to caring!
Ouch… This is almost word for word, the way i have been treated :(. I think i should have no more doubt by now that he is a narc. So so destructive…
HG, so even though you treat your victim that way and be that harsh, You are still considering this victim to be hoovered back in eventually?
Thanks for sharing!
Hello Em, if the opportunity presents itself and the energy commitment will provide a suitable return in terms of the hoover fuel then yes the hoover will happen.
ok questions: These gals NEVER get together somehow (via FB, twitter, AnY social media) , and start to compare notes on you? How is that even possible in this day and age of the internet? Especially when you’re scanning the scene for your new/next target? They don’t think to Google you before going out on dates? And, I’m aware, HG Tudor is not your actual name, so they probably don’t know this part of you, but how are you able to keep it so stealth? (I know, I know, if you tell me, you’d have to kill me, right?) ; )
There is a multiplicity of factors which work in my favour. Google me and you will find nothing that impugns me. Some victims would not want to air their situation so publically. Those that do choose not to use names. Those that might think to smear my name will know the consequences of doing so. I have already ensured those that matter to my plans know not to trust or believe this crazy individual. Others remain hopeful of the restoration of my favour and therefore would not wish to jeopardise their prospects. I should imagine some might find one another and privately tell lies about me but that is not going to stop me going forward. They are the past and they failed. That is why they are in the past. If they did compare notes what are they actually going to do? Turn up with pitchforks and torches chanting “Burn the narcissist” ? Too often they will be engrossed in examining it all to do anything about it, focussed on moving on to do anything about it or know better than to cross me to do anything about it.
The past is the past…. Well said.
Your past should be learnings that allow you to move forward. 💝
❤️❤️💓
In the waning days ahead,
I gotta look back down the road.
I know that it’s not too late.
All the stupid things I’ve said,
and people I’ve hurt in my time.
I hope it’s not my fate
To keep defeating my own self,
and keep repeating yesterday.
I can’t keep defeating myself,
I can’t keep repeating,
the mistakes of my youth.
In the dark of night, I might
be able to make myself think
that I’m still a younger man.
But when the light of day shines down,
there’s no way to get around it,
I’m not the younger man.
I keep defeating my own self,
and keep repeating yesterday.
I can’t keep defeating myself,
I can’t keep repeating,
the mistakes of my youth.
The choice is mine for making
a better road ahead
the road that I’ve been taking,
headed for a dead-end,
but it’s not too late to turn around
In the final moments
I hope that I know that I tried
to do best I could
To stop defeating my own self
and stop repeating yesterday.
I can’t keep defeating myself,
I can’t keep repeating,
the mistakes of my youth.
https://youtu.be/it8bSb-THFI
Laughing……”If they did compare notes what are they actually going to do? Turn up with pitchforks and torches chanting “Burn the narcissist” ?”.
I did watch a bit of the film ‘The Witches of Eastwick’ that was on tv less than a week ago. I didn’t laugh during the first time I ever watched this film. Recently, I did. Where Daryl was in the pool with a massive bowl of cherries saying “Have another cherry” and at the same time, that Felicia character is spewing up cherry pips all around that posh lounge while her husband looks on completely like WTF……hilarious.
chilling
Seriously, why will you not let me go, Mother? It is only natural that I, a grown woman of 38, lead a life of my own. I am not a chattel. You bore me from your body, yes, but the fact that I can (and do) survive independently of your body is proof that I am capable & deserving of a life that is my own.
But you are exactly that Cara; a chattel.
Says YOU. I say otherwise
Indeed you do, I am reinforcing how we see people and confirming your assessment to be correct.
HG is right, Cara.
N’s only see people as their chattel property. I imagine N parents see children AS PROPERTY THEY ALWAYS HAVE RIGHTS TO AND INTEREST IN.
You are a smart, independent, and lovely young lady…but your mother won’t see that. She see’s you as an extension of her…..and it infuriates her that you live and make decisions without her…
*hugs*
Why…u would think after being married to a N I would have seen the signs “red flags” sooner with the guy I was seeing – his eyes going dark at times – the ignoring of my texts msgs … Then I realized I was over texting this last week apologized for it and yet still nothing … at least acknowledge we are done or what have you but I don’t think he knows the word “communication” properly… I feel broken all over again like I did with my exN … but at least I know he is just another N in my past and I am learning the signs better. But the pain and feeling tossed like garbage sucks!
Often you will see the signs but you will give the benefit of the doubt, accept an excuse or even think that lightning could not strike twice. Have a read of Red Flag and Black Flag to stay appraised.
This is exactly what happened to me. I feel the same exact pain and awfulness in my stomach. I wish I had read red flag sooner, but at least I can say the third time won’t be a charm, and you will too.
As much as I want to welcome him back into my life and my kids life I can’t do it – I won’t allow another man to destroy me from the inside out again – as much as I miss him and what I thought he was I can’t do it to myself again I DESERVE better than to be ignored and used when he see’s fit.
Hi hnas.,
You didn’t text him to much. You just wanted an answer from someone that you loved. Your utter confusion at this “silent treatment” is totally normal. This happened to me with N3. He never ignored my text or calls until he decided on the break up. He went silent for 2 days, and texted the breakup. I texted back fine…but you owe me a phone call to explain why. We had a future planned after all….he went silent for 6 weeks. This devastated me on an epic level. I trusted this man with everything…my secrets…my family…my home….and my pets. My crime? We were supposed to go to the movies that Friday night. He had an emergency repair at one of his rentals he was going to repair this himself. I said fine…but I was disappointed because he ALWAYS had a plan B if our plan A didn’t work out. I asked him what was wrong…it had been 5 days since we had seen each other (he took me out 5 days per week), and I missed him…..and him not having a plan B was very unusual. He took a huge offense to that question, and went silent for 2 days..and broke up with me via text. He said he was tired of my “guilt trips”, and his classes and rental property obligations were taking up most of his time…and he couldn’t handle a relationship on top of everything else.
I could understand that. Before I agreed to be his gf, I told him that a lack of quality time would be a dealbreaker ( I had just ended a relationship that lacked quality time together, and I didn’t want another one). However, the WAY N3 ended completely broke my heart. He laid the blame on me….and then he REFUSED TO SPEAK TO ME. Had he came to my home and looked me in the eye and explained things, and wished me well…I would have been hurt, but I would have understood.
If a man wishes to exit my life…I will gladly hold the door open for him.
Everyone deserves the respect of a face to face goodbye….or at least a phone call. The callousness of a dumping by text is….disgraceful.
N’s LACK the emotional maturity to end a relationship….because:
#1. If they feel that YOU might leave THEM first–they panic! They must keep control–SO THEY ABANDON YOU FIRST to protect their ego!
#2. It’s NEVER REALLY over in their minds….they want to reserve the right to come back at any time.
#3. They want you to chase them post breakup. They love the attention they get hearing us cry “why” on the phone and they love the power they feel by ignoring our text messages and heartfelt emails.
I finally got N3 on the phone after 6 weeks. He apologized for the silence and explained he didn’t want to be sad…so texting and ignoring me was the only way he handle it emotionally. He couldn’t face me.
I got the answers I needed., wished him well, he cried…that made me cry. He wished me well and we said goodbye.
10 days later he called and didn’t leave a message. I returned the call then next day…and he ignored me. I wasted 5 days of my life worried about him and what I did “wrong”…*smh*
They don’t want “freedom” from you…they want CONTROL OF YOU!
Just be grateful he is gone…and stay NO CONTACT!
* Friends, Please excuse my typo’s. I am working and in a hurry (on break).
The part that confuses me is the fact that he lent me things to help me move / as well as do my yard etc. Also, when I did stop at his home (not expecting him to be home as I thought he was still at work – I needed to drop something off to him on my way out with my kids for the weekend) he ended up being home which threw me…but he was nice, and even said nice things but also stated “be ready for change and you obviously have never had traditional when it come to man does x woman does y” when I responded “no I have not but it is something to learn” … gave me a kiss and said talk soon. Since then NOTHING even when I texted “do you still plan to help with the move” nothing …. is he a true “N” or is he just a man that was hurt himself by his own exN wife that he doesn’t know how to communicate or deal with his own feelings. That is the part that I am so confused on … and I do NOT like feeling like this again 🙁
I don’t know if he’s a true, N. He does sound like a jerk though! Your thoughts, HG?
At the risk of sounding like I’m a stuck record OMG !!! Your N3 is a carbon copy of my ex even down to rental properties and the discard. I just never got the phone call just a whatsapp followed by silence and read /ignored messages. Totally heart breaking.
You’ll get to where I am, Freedom! Let your anger fuel your recovery. I’ve forgiven, and I am moving on. So glad I never compromised my needs to keep him…. I had needs and I spoke up….I’m so glad I never sold myself out and accepted crumbs! I’ve got a hot date for Friday and I am putting this behind me. You can too, my friend!
Hi T hope one day I reach a happy place xx
How did the hot date go hope you had a fabulous time x
I think he was a “set up” via N3. My spidey senses were off the charts! Turns out “hot date” used to work with N3 at the same oil company. I cancelled the date….I have yet to hear from this guy….and he was most interested in meeting me! #bulletdodged!
They never really go away, Freedom! Always be aware of everything! ❤️
Ohhhh T how dissapointing!!! I was wondering about your date. There are some people here to whom I follow the story without having to read as follow up. One of them is you. With your open and energetic character Im sure another date will soon pop up! Nice Sunday and greetings to your cats 😃.
What color are they?
Happy Mother’s Day, Nikita! My cat Snowball is white with flame points and Bear Bear is my all black kitty. My sister has a cat, Cupcake. He is a blue Persian!
No worries about the date……I am glad I had the discernment to figure it out….it’s hard to believe that N3 wants to abuse me through others….he needs to get a life!
Hi T
Thanks for the wishes. 😃. It should be everyday mothers day 😂😂.
I love black cats! They are special. The persian must be beautiful. I had once a mixture of persian with street and everybody admired his beauty. Else my cats are all common cats rescued from the street.
In my office even the ladies in their early 30s and no kids and all the time to go out and meet men use on line dating and what I hear is that they meet lots of people but nothing works out. There are tons of funny stories going on, and even people that lie about their physical appearance nevertheless when they are going to meet. 😱😱
I heard a story last week of a lady who wore her best super high heels for the first date and the guy had lied about his height and at the end he was like 1m60 and she with her nice shoes like 1m75 😂😂😂 seems was a disaster.
Good luck anyway 🌷.
Pardon, I have one edit: “you really must go now because my new LIFE will be here in a moment and I don’t want to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go”. Then one can use this speech to leave the N. To say it to self, like a mantra, every day, no need to say it to him/her. I strongly agree it is best to avoid retaliation where possible.
OTOH being the empath on the receiving end of this speech is unspeakably devastating.
Some of those paragraphs could have been lifted from my whatsapp messages from my ex narc.
I first thought it was about the empath trying to escape but as I read on it alarmingly became clear it was the narc.
I also doubted in the beggining but two sentences made it clear
I dont care and you are no use to me anymore its not words a cod/empath uses…. nevertheless loose the grip are words of the empath….
Indeed Nikita.
That’s where my realisation of it being a narcs perspective sprang up.
I do enjoy when HG applies the technique where you first feel like it’s your perspective but then realize it’s just them lying to themselves to pretend their normal like us.
It’s easy to see when perspective changes because all logic and empathy is suddenly gone and replaced with blame and accusation.
A good summing-up there Jingercin.
Exactly JINGERCIN liars to us and themselves.
This alleviates any doubts I had of if N2 was an N, or just young and self centered. Self centered people can still be empathetic of other people and have a conscience I would think.
Thank you as always HG.
Pleasure Jingercin.
I have moved on. I think when somebody says this, they really mean it.
And there is no turning back. Its hards words to say but they come from the heart.
And when somebody has found a new person, there is even less chances. Move on and a new person means a new life, new hopes, new projects, new plans, new dreams, a jumping heart, a huge smile felt in the chest, a rush of happiness going through the body from down up. 🙂
THis is what the new person means to me. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💓🌔❤️❤️❤️😘
I have moved on. I think when somebody says this, they really mean it.
And there is no turning back. Its hards words to say but they come from the heart.
And when somebody has found a new person, there is even less chances. Move on plus a new person means a new life, new hopes, new projects, new plans, new dreams, a jumping heart, a huge smile felt in the chest, a rush of happiness going through the body from down up. 🙂
THis is what the new person means to me. <3<3<3<3<3<3
Narcs don’t move on. They move in circles. Revisit the past often. Go back and forth