Back for More
Oliver Twist, the eponymous main characters of Charles Dickens’ novel (also known as The Parish Boy’s Progress) became famous for coming back and asking for more and thereby incurring the incredulous anger of Mr Bumble. Oliver only ate gruel and was undernourished leaving him always hungry. Whilst we do not eat gruel, we are renown for coming back for more. This is something which often puzzles our victims. When that person eventually realises what has happened to them and that they have been on the receiving end of a sustained period of abuse and then a callous discard their reaction is invariably one of “Is it over?” Our victims are confused as to why it is that we return to them, why do we not leave that person alone? It is always the case that we will have moved on to someone new, indeed it is highly likely that someone else was waiting in the wings, being prepared for their anointment as the primary source so that the present incumbent can now be shed and erased from the records. The queen is dead, long live the queen. The discarded predecessor is left to wonder why it is that we just don’t focus on this new person and leave them alone to recover and tend to their many wounds. Surely we are pre-occupied with our new plaything, he or she is shiny and new, can we not be satisfied with wrapping them in our illusion so that we have no need or desire to maintain your torment?
Therein lies the key to understanding why it is that we keep coming back. It is a case of need and sometimes desire. Of course, our return manifests as the well-known hoover, the attempt to draw fuel from you once again. Often it is of a benign variety where false contrition is exhibited in order to make you think that we recognise the error of our ways and that we wish to change and make amends. Such an approach appeals directly to your good-hearted nature, you desire to see change and healing. We know this. That is why we say all these things. We may even go so far as to attend a session or two with a therapist or counsellor but this is all part of the ruse. In fact, this attendance is done purely to enable us to show to the therapist how brilliant we are, that there is nothing wrong with us and best of all to extract some fuel from them, but that is a discussion for another day. The fact remains we say these things to suck you back in. We express faux remorse and promise the return of the golden period once more and nearly always you accept, anything to make the pain go away and perhaps, just perhaps, this time, things will be different. If your resolve holds and you do not respond favourably to this benign attempt to draw you back so we can grasp you again, then with that lightning fast vacillation you know so well, we turn nasty. The malign behaviours appear and we lash out at you, exhibiting continued cruelty towards you.
Like everything else it is fuel that is the driving force behind our hoovering, the need for fuel is the catalyst. Surely though we are receiving plenty of positive fuel from the newly duped and compliant victim? Yes, we are and that wonderful admiration is providing lashings of positive fuel but if there is the prospect of more we will take it. If you can be contacted then we will make a play for more fuel from you. We are not just satisfied with drawing fuel from this new shiny appliance because we must reinforce our perception of power. The extraction of negative fuel provides us with more satisfaction and power than positive fuel because it is harder to cause someone to respond negatively than positively. It is nice to be nice apparently. By causing anger, upset, fear or frustration then this underlines the powerful nature of our manipulations. Extending that concept of resistance proving the font of the most of potent fuel, then when you have been discarded after our abusive treatment of you, you are likely to want to stay away from us. Admittedly, that resistance may not be high, given your addiction to the golden period and the reduction of your coping abilities, but it is there all the same. In some instances, the resistance is heightened by a determined victim who has received some enlightenment and wishes to implement the dreaded concept of no contact. This resistance, whether small of great, means that overcoming it with our benign or malign hoovering creates potent fuel indeed. It emphasises our greatness that we can treat someone terribly and then, at our time of choosing, draw them back to us or at least provoke some outraged or fearful additional response. The prospect of flexing our manipulative muscles and the accompanying fuel it creates is always too great to pass over. Too often our victims will hear nothing from us for a period of time and assume that we have indeed moved on. It is true our attentions will be on the new primary source but like the cruising shark, we sense the ripple caused by you dipping your toe back in the water and we will head straight for you. It might be the fact that you feel safe enough to walk past where we work again or to reinstate your social media profile without blocking us. It could be that you attend a function where we will be also. You may even send a message to us, wishing well, exemplifying your forgiving and tolerant nature. All of these actions and more will be picked up on our radar and we make a bee line for you ready to extract more fuel from you, be it positive or negative.
It may only be a matter of days before the return occurs as buoyed and triumphant at our new acquisition we wish to supplement the fuel by showing just how easy we are able to control you. On the other hand, it may be months or even years before we make that return for more. You may have disappeared off our radar and proven impossible to contact so that we have no choice but to press on with other victims and thus you are left alone. We never say never though. Should you pop back up on our radar, come to our attention or become contactable again then we will be back for more. The fact of what has gone on before provides a bridge between us. We may have burned that bridge when we discarded you but we will hastily reconstruct it in order to march into your territory once again and begin our occupation and draw more fuel from you. With some of our kind this need is accentuated by the desire to punish you. If you had the temerity to escape us and then raise the drawbridge, this amounts to a massive criticism of us. How dare you suggest that you are better than us, how dare you exert such control over our source of fuel, how dare you go off piste and fail to follow our script. The ignited fury will result in a raging response in order to draw fuel straight away. If you manage to weather that, do not think that our desire to punish you for your treachery will every go away. The greater of our kind, those of us motivated by a deep-seated hatred and malice will never forget this act of treason and we will keep coming back to punish you, issuing malign hoovers against you, wave after wave because you have committed such offence. I am of course a main in chains, permanently bound to you and this bondage, because of my need of fuel, both delights and disgusts me and whilst I want to leave you in the dust, near broken and defeated, I am unable to because of the irresistible pull of your fuel.
George Leigh Mallory, the mountaineer, was asked,
“Why did you want to climb Mount Everest.”
Mallory answered,
“Because it’s there.”
Why do we come back for more? Because you are there and we can. Except, unlike Oliver, we never ask for more, we just take.
31 thoughts on “Back for More”
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Empath has certain depths and he/she can use them to prevent “hoovers” from Narc too. Deep questions (about death, pain, loss, diseases, etc.) directed to Narc can force him/her to consider whether he/she should contact you or not again. Narcs avoid “deep water”.
I had pretty insistent narc-suitor who almost harassed me. He was really good guy, but not my type. Even for friendship. Of course, I didn’t want to hurt him saying “You aren’t my type of person. You are very good guy, nothing wrong with you, but please, don’t contact me anymore. I’m so sorry.”
So, when he contacted me I “invited” him to swim in the “deep water” I was pretty comfortable with.
“Did you hear about *** death? He had leukemia and he was so young. How unpredictable our life is. Can you imagine how it feels to know that you have everything today, but nothing tomorrow? Can you imagine how it feels to know that you are dying when other people continue to live? Have you even thought about your own death?”
“I’m reading the Jean Baudrillard “Simulacra and Simulation” now. You know, he is absolutely right about our false reality. How do you know you do truly exist? Where is your original and do you feel the bond with it? Or you are just copy of copy? Or you are the pure simularcrum already? Tell me, what do you think? Who are you according to this theory?”
“You know, I’ve lost my grandmother. She was a real saint, the kindnest woman alive. I’m sitting now memorizing my childhood time with her. Tell me the best and the worst memory from your childhood…”
Finally, he stopped to call me, because every interaction with me meant the uncomfortable emotions for him. I felt bad for him doing it, but pain of direct rejection, abandonment, neglect is more devastating then other types of pain. He didn’t deserve it. No one deserves it.
But such “method” worked. I’ve not heard from him for 15 years and I doubt I will.
Very interesting! And true. JN accused me regularly of always being “too heavy” and can every interaction not turn into a heavy conversation. Funny enough, being too “heavy” was just me asking why am I hearing from him again after, say, a 3 week silent treatment. Lol This coming from someone who is currently a social worker and wants to work on his Masters soon so one day he can be in private practice for counseling.
In the big picture, I would think the Greaters will go along with “deep” thinking and intellectual conversations, especially during the golden period. They have the capacity for it and will use that to continue to learn more about your psyche in the process. But I definitely see that tactic working with lower and mid-range Narcs.
Oh yes, you always come back for more. You do it to make sure I don’t successfully move on, you do it because you can, you do it because your new plaything is never as comfortable as this already broken-in one.
Hmm, what do you say to that last line HG? Interesting point.
It is K, familiarity breeds both contempt and ease of application.
And yet we covet that which we see everyday. You covet our depth of emotion.
Never ending!!! X
I just felt anxious reading this. If I feel like I have to have eyes in the back of my head to be prepared for the eventual Hoover, it just feeds in to that ever presence. I know the point is to be at a place where you wouldn’t care if you got contacted and can easily ignore. But if unresolved feelings still linger and so many of us want to exact real closure, it almost makes it impossible.
We do not want nor do we allow closure Clarece.
Fiiiiinnneee! Always your way!
I can hear you saying that Clarece!
Yup and I think I can hear you laughing from here!
Hi Clarence.
I think differently. When you ignore you dont necessarily not care or not have feelings. Its just choosing to move on. Hurt it will always. It requieres lots of force to minimize the pain to be able to ignore. In my case
I’m wired different. For me to ignore means I have 100% crossed over to not caring, not thinking about someone, have complete irrelevance for…basically they are dead to me. If I have an ounce of unresolved feelings still troubling me, I know it makes me vulnerable but I can’t help but too engage. The more time that passes with no contact, I’ll get to that point I’ll cross over, but if my Narc hoovers before that, I probably won’t back down to confronting him. Just now I know I’d have to do it with no emotion to be effective.
Nikita is right, M.!
ANY contact will hurt you! You might get a little satisfied going off on him-but he will know you still care. People that don’t care don’t go off. Indifference will hurt him more and make him feel insignificant.
The only closure you need is knowing he’s an N and you were fooled!
I’m going with insignificant from now on!
Hey there! I’m not disagreeing with you or Nikita on that. I’m not sure if you saw my response yet to her. The problem lies with me knowing myself and feeling fake to myself. I’ll know I’m truly over him when I myself am happy to ignore.
I think that Clarece is attuned to the use of language and there for when met with the word ignore she experiences an internal conflict. There is insight here that Clarece is offering, in that ignoring does not mean closure and in fact may inhibit the healing process. When one becomes aware, when one embraces, when one turns toward that which is painful the work towards healing and closure begins.
You make the choice for closure
Nobody gives you closure. You do this yourself. Its very painful but its the only way to let go and move on to happiness.
Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new.
I got this from google after I wrote my own definitoon
Correct, which is a choice that one makes for one self. Narcissists suffer from the inability to form closure.
Hi F&R! How are you? I’M getting better at wrapping my brain around this, but I don’t like it yet, one bit. I don’t like messy endings…or eternal non-endings with them. Lol
Hello Clarece, I am well and thank you for asking. Working towards closure is part of the ongoing work required in healing from the abuse that has been inflicted on you. Continue with no contact and continue to be gentle with yourself. It is a reality that unhooking yourself from narcissistic abuse does not often afford one a healthy means of closure. In a healthy relationship partners can commit to open and supportive dialogue as they navigate the choice to dissolve their partnership. Closure is possible and is a necessary component of healing and self development. Closure is for you, constructed by you and is not interdependent of the abuser. Move at your own pace, design your horizon, and keep walking. Much love and respect to you.
Awww, I will take that to heart! Xoxo
When I left N1 this last time, I reached out after a few weeks. I never wanted us to lose contact again….like before. Our decades long relationship deserved that… I thought…..
N1 was angry and furious with me for leaving. He’s never been left…he told me he didn’t “need” any closure or any “friends”. He was verbally abusive and mean on the phone…..I’ve never experienced anything like that…. He knew how much keeping the peace meant to me….and he agreed before we made another try to keep the friendship no matter what happened.
M., they must be in control. They decided when and if….that’s not an equal relationship….
No it is not equal for sure. It is the crazy see saw ride H.G. wrote about a day or 2 ago! You know T, if you had told him you only sought closure but not to be friends then N1 would be badgering you for that. It’s like constantly playing reverse psychology and having to always pretend you don’t care because they fear intimacy so much.
I told all of my ex N’s I preferred to end things on a good note. N1 said he didn’t need it….N3 said he was so shady when he left because he just didn’t want the sadness.
N2 was very needy. He divorced his ex wife (H.S. Sweetheart) after 15 years together…..and he couldn’t let her go. We had all been friends for years and she never liked me or my sister because N2 always had a little crush on us. After they divorced, he and I got reacquainted at a party. HE divorced her 2 years prior to that….but he still couldn’t let her go. This woman was one of the most unattractive women I had ever seen in all my years. Head to toe she was a hot mess (I hate to mean….it is what it is!). He wanted to hide the fact that he and I were dating because it would have broke her heart. I thought he was a little gun shy about moving on….they were both Catholic and divorce was frowned upon….and they had been together since high school. I stupidly agreed to this. He had a job as a traveling salesman. His job paid his way all over the world to sell their products….I found out that he took this ex wife to Germany for her birthday!!! I hit the roof! Why would he even want to be seen with this woman?! Looks aside-she had the worst attitude and the ugliest scowl! She was most unpleasant!!! (Now I KNOW why!) My birthday was a few days from hers…and he called me from Germany (I didn’t know at that time she was there too), promising to make up for being gone for my bday….I bought his sob story (I just need more time….I don’t want to hurt her….please be patient).
Fast forward 6 months. I was in that accident that my friend died in. I had been careless with leaving my computer open…passwords laying around….ect. I noticed that the love letters N2 had written me via email had all been deleted. I asked him if he had done it. He was the only one with access….but I was so distraught…I didn’t press the issue.
My friends funeral was that week. N2 was a pall bearer….we shared the same group of friends. I made the funeral….but I skipped the reception afterwards….I couldn’t do it…..
N2 had to fly to Mexico City for work within days of the service. I found out that he hooked up with a mutual friends cousin after my friends funeral….while I was at home grieving….I found out via a MySpace post
N2 found out his ex wife had met another man. He wanted to punish her….but not too much that she’d never forgive him. Making me public would have cut off the best fuel source he ever had (that’s why to this day-he hasn’t let her go. It’s been 12 years since the divorce…and he still puts $ in her bank account after the court order expired )….and he wanted to abandon me as well. I was overwhelmed with grief….I couldn’t give him any fuel for a while. Why not ditch me now? He met a clueless young woman that’d never question him. His ex wife would give him negative fuel, and I am still not sure why he wanted to hurt me….but I think it was because I had the nerve to question him about the Germany situation with is ex…
He never gave me closure and he blamed me when I called him in Mexico City to confront him?! This was all my fault because I could just leave him alone and “keep waiting”. I knew then he deleted the love letters….he wanted no proof of our relationship.
Ladies, please understand–I am NOT the type of woman that would agree to such nonsense! I don’t “hide” for anybody! However….he was so good at lying to me I really thought she’d hurt herself or end up in a mental hospital if she knew about us. Her jealousy of me was off the charts…..(only because he mad her insecure about it). Later on she and I finally sat down to have a talk about everything. He would threaten to leave her for me, keep my picture in his wallet, and stay in my face when we’d all be hanging out. She said he took her confidence….made her wear ugly clothes and she ate for comfort….she weight About 350 pounds by the time they got married. He controlled the $ and the menu. She was trapped!
That was in 2006. He is not my Facebook friend…I don’t have him blocked. However, every two years or so he will message me….wanting to give us a second chance. I always make him wait a few days and I reject him every time. To be honest….that is the best feeling in the world! Lol.
He still hasn’t given me closure….I gave it to myself. It feels beautiful to finally be in control of that situation!
Between the birthday off in Germany and the hookup at your friend’s funeral, I am in utter shock every time H.G. nails it that a Narc will not do the supportive role and runs to make the spotlight back on them.
Yes, you getting to reject N2 when he circles has to be a very satisfying feeling. I would like to be at the point where I don’t have to have my Narc blocked and I can do what you do without falling back into a lot of back and forth. Mine, I think, is addicted to the chase.
Happy Mother’s Day, M.! HG has nailed a lot of behaviors I would have overlooked….and not thought twice about. I shudder to think about going on that “date”. What did they have planned for me?…
Rejecting N2 is satisfying….but if I had any feelings left for him….I’d block him….to deny him fuel.
Good Afternoon HG .
Thank you for this it answers a lot of questions for me 🙂
Hello So Sad, you are welcome.
Great post! Thanks HG. Great as all of your work. With all this knowledge once a person has hurt me enough, there is no coming back. 14 years of marriage, or the best year of my life… Pain is pain and I am from the idea that whomever gave me this pain will give it back once more. Its like a door that closes forever. Letting go.
Something else is just not healthy
No hoover possible with me. I have learned too much here.
Thanks HG 😘