The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self Doubt
In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.
- Is it actually my fault?
We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.
- Did I love him enough?
How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheers scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.
- Was I wrong to leave?
This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) or our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success if for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What is could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.
- Should I have given him another chance?
Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.
- What if someone else makes him happy?
Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.
- Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have
There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?
- Did I deserve it?
You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?
33 thoughts on “The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self Doubt”
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Haha. No one will EVER make him happy and I could read care less anymore. Once I gained awareness of ‘your kind’ I was able to escape and I hope to never return to that hell again. It is a wonderful validation to read this list and say I don’t resonate with a single point (anymore). Thank you for your work, I have found learning about NPD incredibly empowering and to learn directly from the source is priceless. Sadly, I have to co-parent with my ex-narc but this helps me stay motivated to keep learning more, especially to help my son not become one. I look forward to reading more or your writing, on to No Contact next. This has been my best weapon yet. Thank you HG.
Thank you River Moon, I am pleased you have found my work of assistance to you and I hope you continue to read.
Everything rings true except, “what if someone else makes him happy.” I’d rather think of him happy with someone else. Ill always be able to move on…
You make me want to hurt his feelings or his ego or at least cause injury.
Happy Belated Birthday to me. Unfortunately, this post have me feeling like I am the narc. My desire to figure it out or up one on the narc have brought some of these traits to surface. Hell, maybe I am the narc. Is this normal I read one of your books that spoke on this. I hoover but mainly out of fear because i outed him on social media (his platform).Fortunately, I care about youth he was mentoring and I know it’s not all about me. Talking about Narc Injury, he may call me nuts.but I stated true verifiable facts with detailed information. My next email was killed yourself.
I feel like you are developing a little empathy for all your commenters HG. Or maybe it’s just your gentlemanly (N) charm. Your replies always seem to have a little feeling behind them lately. Perhaps we are all rubbing off on you in some small way…perhaps, it’s just purely about research, marketing and fuel. I think you’ve grown on us all a little, perhaps, you are not such an evil N to most of us. Perhaps this is due to your honesty and your understanding of our empathic ways better than most. And our real world distance.
Your post was on point HG. Total resonation with this one. Well done. Will help many others.
Thank you.
Thank you CE. I have no reason to be savage to anybody who interacts with him here. I am naturally polite and helpful and of course, as I have admitted, I do derive fuel from this. I am always interested in people’s observations and experiences, I am always learning too and I believe that a mutual respect accords in this place. Occasionally someone flings a few insults my way,I understand why they do it because they hurt still and wish to lash out, it is all fuel in any event and of course if someone did cross the line then the dark powers would be deployed but I have had no need to do so. I find the interaction interesting and nearly all commenters approach this in accordance with the intended spirit. I have no need to lash out at anybody. Yes I will have grown on you, that is natural given my charm and as you point out the real world distance, it acts as a buffer and allows people to be frank and ask what they want without fear of embarrassment, repercussion or ridicule. The majority of my fuel comes from my real world activities.
You have created a “safe place” for us all to foster growth. And yes, you naturally are charming. I do not find that with all N’s, but charm is also often in the eye of the beholder. Manners, in my opinion, go a long way. “Cockiness” (not sure if that’s an aussie word) comes in many forms and is attractive to many so it seems, but in my opinion a mixture of manners, a level of honesty, confidence and occasional compassion, makes a far more desirable human being. You have conducted yourself and your interactions with most people on here, in this way. It’s a blessing we all found this site to come here and be shown the truths we must learn, in order to accept and release them. I believe its your “on screen persona” and delivery that is the true key. It makes this process as well received, as it will ever be.
I am the same in the real world. If not more open, as I do wish to protect some others anonymity/privacy and this is a public forum. I find it hard to speak in riddles and tell half truths or versions of the truth. But, I dare say for most (who comment entirely anonymously) they would feel as you say, indeed. I do believe we will all rub off on you, a little in time too…
HG anyone who interacts with him here ? Is the word Him a typo?
This particular post is the one that hits home the most for me, always feeling like I gave up on him too soon. He will be different with someone else and yes he probably will be , but not in the way that we imagine . Not ever really. I just imagine in old age someone will be the partner that looks after him because his choices have ended. Maybe a Sophie type . To act as caretaker 🤔
Thank you for that HG, really,
I entertained all 7 of these sins….until…..he did the one thing all N’s do. That thing so despicable you’d never expect from him or even from your worst enemy. That thing that changes your heart and mind about him…..but sadly not the love you still have for him….
That’s when you know enough is enough! You could never hook your star to a man so cruel….
What is that one thing, T? So many things to choose from when dealing with an N… 🙁
Cody,
It varies. It all depends on your vulnerabilities and fears. Example: if you have an unusual fear of being abandoned, he will abandon you and seduce your best friend, too…..and take her with him….. This way, it will be a double home run of cruelty and devastation….that you might not recover from.
You’ll know it when it happens. This will leave no doubt in your mind about his narcissism.
It would not benefit anyone to have a heart to heart conversation with his exes, the present target(s), or the future prospects. He would use this for triangulation. The woman before me was a therapist, she told me that he was a narccist. I laugh at myself now over this, because at the the time, I thought that meant he was arrogant and vain! I had no idea about the true meaning of this type of personality. He convinced me it was jealousy on her part and that she was only trying to get rid of me. His x-wife is one of his top lieutenants. I tried on a few occasions to gain insight from her, but she would repeat to him every conversation that we shared, omitting anything negative that she said. I believe she still has hope that she can reclaim her “golden period”. His entire family has turned against me, even the daughter that is estranged from him believes that I was at fault and has chosen his side of the story. I must admit that I did not try to convince anyone that I had a valid reason for leaving. I knew it would be pointless and he had invested a lot of time into his smear campaign long before I left him.
This was excellent H.G., thank you!
You are welcome. A good assessment you’ve made of your situation there
“Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured?” I ask myself this all the time. He cheated on my, devastated me, destroyed my life and she was a party to it, so why does she now get to benefit from that pain? Why does she get to benefit from the time I put in that allowed him to have s successful career?
Indeed but ultimately she won’t
How does being with a liar and cheat become beneficial? Because of a financial gain? At what price? Payment of one’s soul in exchange for “things”? Yes, I know it sucks to be in this place of even having to ask these questions but please continue reading this material here. It will be the hard truth you need to see that your Narc is no prize to anyone. Just a booby prize😄
This time will be different ❤️🌔
https://youtu.be/Nh5R6VBn63E
Nikita, please correct me if I am misinterpreting what you wrote, but are you suggesting that one can “work out a relationship with a narcissist”? Because if so, that is a very dangerous message to be sending here, not to mention false, unless in your opinion learning to live with the treatment from a narcissist means the relationship is “working out”.
I really hope I misinterpreted what you wrote.
Hi cody
Yes I wouls say you can but it Depends on the person, not with all Ns but depending on the person yes I say you can work things out. And I also mean is that not because a person is an N, automatically has to be discarded as a friend, partner etc.
i dont believe they are such monsters.
But I repeat depends on the person, and the will you have to work out the relationship and how you match together. What I would not do is go back to a place where I have suffered. Once the book is closed it should stay closed.
For example my ex-husband I think is now in a satisfactory relationship with a lady. Without the reaponsability of a household and kids, Things changed for him and he is now able to manage a relation. I suppose his girlfriend is also satisfied.
My ex is a person that cant bear stress and for him all the responsability of dropping off the kids, picking up as they were smaller and therefor more difficult, buying groceries, bulding up a house and mainly small kids was too much for him.
The kids have grown, he is a good father and I assume his partnership goes well. I Thats what my kids tell me . I suppose they both have problems like everybody but he is not screaming, and evading responsabilities like he did with me. Now that he doesnt feel the pressure he even offers sometimes to help woth this or that as in reality when he wants and without pressure he was/is a helpful person… A super inflated ego and maybe he helped for fuel but whatever the reason he can go the extramile to help the people he likes.
N2 I would not recommend to anybody, so as you see it depends on the person.
I know another one that functioned very well with one girl for years and now he is with somebody else, but the N traits come out very much … Its not the correct girl.
I would have more stories but its late…
Let me know what you think.
Cody forgot to tell you that my exhusband has done extensive non traditional medicine therapies for his mental conditions. I know also that he went through sad episodes of his childhood but of course did not tell me wjat..
We decided to separate in Nov 2013 and he had started shortly before. Way before and several occassions since he is a teenager his mom had treated him for fury provlems which improved in 360 degrees. As she improved her doctorsl qualities, so did the results on him. I would guess he still does make therapy but dont know anymore as I speak to him mainly what concerns the kids.
It’s sad and uncaring of me, but I would feel better if i knew all the others have gone thru the same as I did…especially the one that took my place . It’s hard to fathom he could be like this to so many women….of course he kept us all at a GREAT DISTANCE so as not to have contact with each other…his 1st ex-wife would try and tell me what a monster he was when she was drunk…but she was a piece of work herself!
Robyn, they have all been through similar to you.
thanks
It’s only human. Don’t beat yourself up. If I could bring myself to talk to the one (ones!) I “replaced” – doubt they are truly gone – I would say: ignore the happy fb/ig photos. Those were meant to get revenge on his ex and if it hurt you and the others who came before, that was a bonus. Don’t envy me. I’m the one who envies YOU. You had the self-esteem to get out. The only reason he keeps me around is because I am a codependent doormat and I can’t gather up the strength to walk away.
Cody
Where there is love , nothing is too much ❤️. There might be difficult times, and insecure times, specially when memories come back, but against all odds and opinions of others you can work out a relationship with an N with strenght, knowledge, compassion, patience, flexibility and of course much LOVE ❤️.
hoping this community will help my healing process
Robyn, they’ve all been in your Louboutin’s❤️.
How sad to read all this. Some have gone through my mind, some not.
Some many times like 3 and 6. I felt like the worst person on earth to leave and this is why it took me so long or this is why I came back 3 or 4 times. In Addition I believed it was always my fault that I had not done enough …. OMG. ..
No. 5 and number 7 dont sound because it takes me very long to let go and really move out of a relationship, but once its done its done and then I am happy or neutral if the other person find somebody else.
Number 7 never came to my mind because I have given my life to the relationships I have been in, and at the end before it comes to a real end when there is no turning back anymore and then some time after the relationship has finished, they all have thanked me for the good things I did, without of course saying what they did wrong. So number 7 doesnt come. I always do from A to Z and even a derivate…. and leave when I see I cant do anymore and I dont have the forces to do anymore.
Thanks HG for the list. I hope I have learned enough that I dont have to think ever again to the items of this list <3 <3 <3
I know I am not going to go through this list never agaim❤️❤️❤️… No insecurities. I never feel it but having this list infront was OMG… it was real..
We will make it 💓💓😘. I know. 😘😘
I remember a very nice song from Sophie E Bextor. Its my hymn BBE. 😍
Intresting 👌👌👌
This one is especially resonating for me HG, thank you. Oh how I know all seven of those so intimately. This Empath is grateful to have found awareness of how self doubt has plagued me in my relationships my entire life. The path of the heart becomes a safer journey when such awareness has become internalized. I really don’t leave room for all that second guessing anymore. If I find myself doing those mental gymnastics around a relationship, that into itself is a warning that the relationship is not serving my best interests…and I am so gone.