The Seven Certainties of Narcissistic Friendship
- Our friends don’t really like you
The people that we choose to provide our inner and outer circle of friends have all been charmed by us and roped into our sphere of influence for the purpose of providing us with fuel, traits and residual benefits. They in return are granted repeated audiences with ourselves, they are able to gaze on the Sun King and benefit from their association with such a social titan. When you are admitted to my sphere of influence as an intimate partner these friends of mine only like you because they know that this is their role and they must do so in order to remain able to attend my court. Should I give the instruction they will turn their backs on you in an instant. Never believe that you can turn to them in a moment of need. You will head straight into a brick wall. Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.
- It is a one-way street
You will benefit from your association with me as a friend and you will enjoy my company, who would not when I am charming, magnetic and interesting but you are only allowed to occupy this positon so long as you are giving. You must provide me with the fuel to keep me topped-up through your praise and admiration. I expect you to be an errand boy for me, you will carry out my machinations on my behalf when I require you to manipulate someone by proxy, you will get me things, give me things and do things for me all because you want to stay in the elevated position of my friendship. It is also highly likely that I will possess some information about you or something you want which compels your compliance also. You are the giver and I am the taker. It is one way.
- Our friends do not know what we are
The blazing brightness of our brilliance is such that it obscures what we really are. Any complaints about our behaviour will be met with rejection and a confused response. They have always been treated well by us. We let them join us and we allow them to follow in our wake which has numerous benefits. They have no idea what we actually are for if they did they would no continue to be part of our retinue. They do not want to know any different however because they have been brainwashed into thinking that the status quo is to their advantage and therefore they see no reason to entertain anybody who seeks to usurp us.
- Your friends are all targets
I have no interest in making friends with your friends. They are beneath me but I will regard them as targets. There may well be your replacement amongst them and how satisfying would that be to corrupt one of your supporters to turn against you and sit at my right hand? I will charm and ensure that your friends think well of me as this will not only make my seduction of you as my primary source far easier, it will also provide me with fuel, traits and residual benefits as well. You friends are targets to be my new primary source, members of my coterie and even lieutenants so that I have a fifth columnist in your camp willing to act on my behalf when the inevitable devaluation begins.
- Our friendships are defined by the usefulness
As I have explained the concept of friendship for us all about what we can take from it and therefore so long as someone is providing us what we require, complying with our wishes and carrying out what we want then the friendship will endure. Should one of our friends see through us, turn against us or begin to fail in their assigned role it is of little consequence to us that we may have known them for ten years or more. It is of no concern that we go drinking with them every Friday, if they do not function as a constituent appliance then they will be switched off, excluded and replaced. We make friends easily and we keep them far easier than you might think. Very few leave us. We usually do the jettisoning.
- Our friends must never outshine us
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
- We can actually like our friends
So long as the member of our inner or outer circle does not offend any of our requirements detailed above we often do actually like them for being interesting and caring people. Of course, this is not enough on its own, they must provide fuel, allow us to take traits and provide residual benefits but we are able enough to like the fact that someone is amusing, that someone is a good partner at badminton (as long as we usually win) or has some entertaining anecdotes to share from a recent holiday. So long as they do not transgress across our requirements then we will also take delight in these additional traits, for like jesters, ambassadors and courtiers in a royal court they all have their own individual function that serves to benefit us.
21 thoughts on “The Seven Certainties of Narcissistic Friendship”
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I suspect my ex made his “best friend”, a mother of three, leave her husband about 1,5 years ago. He told me and the woman she was before me that his best friend inherited a substantial sum but not enough to buy her own place so he would lend her the rest – more than 50 000 eur. From what we have found out, contrary to what even his son thinks, he has no money, no company, no doctor’s degree… nothing. I got away just 1,5 month after the beginning but I am sorry for this poor woman. He never introduced us, he talked about her a lot, how good she was in this or that, but when I wanted to meet her, he said she did not like me. I don’t know what to do. If I contact her on FB or call her, she may not believe me as I have the impression she is in love with him. She may even tell him I called. If I don’t do anything… is that selfish?
Great article! That is the kind of information that should be shared around the web.
Disgrace on Google for now not positioning this put up upper!
Come on over and seek advice from my web site .
Thank you =)
I used to be part of a large group of friends, lead by common interests and lifestyle. I became close with 3 of them and sad to say that I found myself in the company of 2 Narcissists and one Histrionic (can you say magnet). After useless attempts of explainations and conciliations with each of them, and finally opening my eyes (all over, in the romantic department as well) to the Narc realities, I ended it all, sadly I decided to cut all ties with the group as well, too many flying monkeys and other unaware good meaning people, I did not have the energy to explain, thought it would only frustrate me, would not be beleived and be made the mean one. I was overdosing on toxicity and needed out, needed peace, needed air. What I have learned (like many, the hard way) is that with narcs, you have to cut your losses (generally big ones) and get out. But it sucks 🙁
It is perfect time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy.
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Hello Kiersten, you would like to know more about narcissistic friendship?
No. 7 – so you actually can feel something besides hate, fury, or envy. Knew it!
Good list and interesting as you never wrote about friendship. Your friendships and your partners friendships. Not surprising. Its more or less the idea I had. Only No.4 was not my reality. ALL of my friends were critizised, put down, and not liked 😞.
Thanks for all the good posts of today 💋
100% right…each and every one! #1…all of N1’s friends “fake” liked me. They barely tolerated my presence…..they actually thought they were too good for me?!
#3, I had two close female friends that were Narc Sociopaths….I had NO IDEA until the bitter end…..there is NO devaluation stage when it’s just a friendship with an N. That golden period can last YEARS!!!
#4, one female N friend of mine hooked up with N2 behind my back. It didn’t go anywhere because they were too much alike….they just thought hurting me would make them feel good.
#5 female N friend dumped me when I wouldn’t testify in her favor at a vehicular manslaughter trial. She killed my best friend and injured me! I just told the truth. I even wrote the judge and made sure she got no extra time for my injuries….that didn’t matter. That was in 2006…we have not spoke since then.
#6 one female N friend…same one you met in #’s 4 and 5 was very good looking. She liked to have good looking women around her when she visited Las Vegas so we could secure “hot girl’ passes to nightclubs. She always paid for the trips just to have the “right” friends around for VIP treatment.
#7 surprised me as well….at least it wasn’t ALL FOR NOTHING…
Thanks for sharing that T, yes you are the right the golden period can last years given the use the friend serves.
YES! However..there is RARELY if ever a devaluation period. It’s like…something pisses the N off….or you have an issue with the N…and the friendship is over just like that?! With friends….they don’t even wish to talk it out or argue…they just leave….
It is uncanny to me how you nail it every time. I’d love to send this to my narc. Post it on their FB page. Amazingly spot on. I’m still baffled at how someone could honestly live like this.
Thank you. We have to.
Welcome, Mahlerama!
Not living. I suspect it to be a pretty miserable , but barely existing. Every breath spent in constant fear of being discovered as less than perfect? What a tortured way to “live”.
Hello Lisa, perhaps but think of the upside!
Oh your friends know what you really are. You think they don’t, but they do.
And yet who would even want to be friends with someone like that. Is there anyone whose friendship could be so coveted. Once you discover that they would never have your back then they should be discarded using the same method they use
But since most people don’t know what we think about them or what we are save that we are always charming to them, they like to be around us.
Welcome, icecube!
You won’t see anything bad in the beginning…this gives the N time to secure your friendship, love, and loyalty!
I did not know this about number 7 !!
That is actually very helpful for me to know.
Indeed.