I Fill Up Your Senses – Part Two
I ensure that through my enthralling enchantment of you during seduction that I create tunnel vision for you. I am all that you see. Not only is it the case because I make it my mission to spend every moment I can with you, but I ensure that I am all that is seen in your mind’s eye as well. If I am not physically present with you then I will have done sufficient during the course of the day so far to have you thinking about me repeatedly. When will I call? That was such a delightful message that I sent earlier? Where will he take me tonight? He makes me so happy, I am so lucky. I will be the only person in your sights. You will allow friendships to fall by the wayside, not see family as often and even begin to neglect your interests possibly even work in order to see me. You want to look on me all the time because the love and radiance you see (which is actually just being mirrored back towards you) is so magnetic, so compelling and utterly addictive. You will stretch that lunch hour from work to spend longer over lunch with me. You will cancel that gym class tonight so you can see me rather than wait another day. You will cut short drinks with friends so you can get across to my house so you at least have part of the evening seeing me. All you will see is me and all you will see is how good, wonderful, amazing and brilliant I am as I carefully apply that rose-tinted filter across your eyes and you will not even notice.
Even when I have cast you aside or if you have been able to escape me, my construction of the ever presence will result in you seeing me everywhere around you. You see my ghost at the window, where I would stand looking at the view as I waited for you to get ready before going out. You see me lying on the bed, patting it and inviting you into it for another ecstatic session of love-making. You see me across from you at the dinner table, walking up the drive way and in that usual seat on the tube which is where we first met. You pick up a book and see me reading it, asking your thoughts about it. You pick up a jumper and it is blue, my favourite colour and you see me once again. I have infected anything and everything around you as I ensure that I am seen everywhere you look. Even closing your eyes is no escape, for then, perhaps more than anywhere else you still see my image pin-sharp and evident.
I make sure that I am the only voice that you hear. Not only do you feel that tingling sensation when I whisper in your ear, tell you rude things down the telephone or read that particular piece of poetry that you love – all acts designed to have you respond automatically to the sound of my voice – I am ensuring that I am blocking out the sounds from any competitors or detractors During seduction I only want you hearing my voice. This has two effects. Firstly, you are listening to my propaganda all of the time and with no dissenting voices able to get through to you, you accept what I say and do so quickly. Secondly, I am causing, through repeated reinforcement, you to become addicted to the sound of my voice. You will associate hearing me speak and especially saying your name with something that is wonderful and this increases the potency of your addiction to me.
I will use music specially to create so many links between you and I. Each special moment that we share should have its own particular soundtrack. The first meeting, the first time I gave you a lift in my car. The first time we made love, the first meal I cooked for you and the first you cooked for me. The time we sat and watched a storm together, holding hands. Music plays a huge part in assailing your sense of hearing and creating powerful connections between the beautiful things we once did together and certain pieces of music. We will ensure our relationship has catch phrases so that when you watch an advertisement you hear my voice saying the same sentence as I did when we were together. Every time there was a knock at the front door, I said the same thing and it made you laugh no matter how many times you had heard it. Now, when there is a knock, even though I have gone, you hear my voice. No matter how hard you try to evade hearing my voice or hearing the sounds that are inextricably linked to many moments in the relationship that we had, you will continue to be assailed by them even when I am no longer stood beside you or in a relationship with you.
I apply my scent, like some beast marking its territory, ensuring that during the seduction certain smells – my after shave, my anti-perspirant, my shower gel, the washing powder I use, the air freshener in my house are all direct links to me. The olfactory connection that I establish is a unique code between you and I. For each relationship I create a different set of fragrances so that there is not just one reminder of me but six. I smell so good and I reinforce this by allowing you to keep a shirt of mine imbued with my scent when I am away so that you can sniff it as you lie in bed. It seems such a delightful gesture of mine, so that you have something to remind you of me when I am on a business trip but I am creating your addiction through your sense of smell and paving the way for you to be unable to smell sandalwood in the future without thinking instantly of me. You will associate so many smells with me, from personal fragrances, to the smell of my house, the interior of my car, the meals we take together and so forth. It is all designed to ensure that you make the connection between the wonderful and that fragrance during the seduction so that you cannot do anything but remember those golden moments when you happen to smell a particular scent at a later stage. It is the most powerful evoker of memory.
I will use taste to create yet more fantastic bonds between us. I will encourage you to try different foods, different dishes at restaurants that you will enjoy. I will introduce a signature drink to you, something that you have not had before, so that you really enjoy it and immediately associate its tangy taste with me. You will recognise and become swept away by the taste of my kiss. A wonderful and mesmerising taste which sends you into sensory overload, making you tremble with anticipation. I ensure that certain tastes will be linked to those wonderful moments and memories. You are not that special however as these tasting techniques will have been used with others and will be used with others again.
Finally, you will crave my touch and want to touch me. The times you felt the stubble on my face with your hand, or against your cheek as I gently kissed you as you dozed. You delighted in the sensation of defined chest as your hand brushed across it. The times you would always allow your palm to stroke my newly shorn hair, the short and soft hairs gracing your hand. How you felt so safe when you felt my arms around you at night or when I took your hand in mine, telling you without saying anything that everything would be alright. How you now miss my expert ministrations as my tender fingers probed and caressed finding all the right places, creating another scintillating experience that now with my departure you still yearn for. The way I placed my hands on your shoulders when I arrived from work and approached you from behind, the reassurance, familiarity and strength flowing from me to you as sat down you tilted your head against my arm and my fingers began to massage your shoulders. The way I used to wipe the tears from your eyes with my mouth, the delicate application of my lips soothing and absorbing the source of your woe. The times I would tickle you until you could not breath but the delight soared inside of you. How you now miss touching me and being touched by me.
I will always fill up your senses so I become your universe. I will always fill up your senses so that even through the numbness I leave you with, you crave seeing me, smelling me, hearing me, touching me and tasting me. I fill up your senses and then take it all away making you crave the return to such a degree that it is not a question of if, but when, I shall allow you to be filled up once again.
49 thoughts on “I Fill Up Your Senses – Part Two”
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Alice ur words really moved me
I need to read ur post literally every day , bc when that dark energy appears it is so encompassing,such a force that is like looking in. Mirror of my deepest fear that I am so ashamed of. And I can’t fathom ever being that sick and demented. I would hope of I ever get that low that someone who loves me will bring me back to reality
Sorry that the post partum depression talking.
I’m sorry you did MLA but it takes what it takes.
I stay NC, keep him blocked and yet down deep in the recesses of my heart I’m devastated he hasn’t broken down those walls he tore down dozens of times to get to me. Even though I know the feelings I had for him were manufactured, I behaved in a very loving way with him. I gave him so much of my time, energy, resources and I was utterly infatuated with him. I refuse to call it ️love even though everything I did demonstrated that. My anger has been resurrected and the tears sting in struggling to find acceptance that he skipped off merrily ever after and fucking FORGOT
Yeah, that’s why I tend to still respond when he manages to make contact. As a reminder why he should never forget how golden my fuel is. It’s all about fuel is it? The more negative the better is it? I’ll always have some in reserve for him to dole out than withdraw now.
It is beyond despairing forcing yourself to not think about them everyday while we are not a blip on their radar, until as H.G. says, they are triggered about us in someway.
Hello Clarece. I do enjoy your presence here and your courage shines through in all of your words. Thank you from the whole of my heart.
Letting Go …for the zillion time.
It’s ok Bethany! If it’s your zillionth time, it’s my zillionth and one time. I got in a texting exchange with my N the other day because I couldn’t stand his reasoning for sending a fake apology and explaining he wants to be portrayed as a better person. Gag! You’re not alone.
Why shouldn’t I respond to that tingling sensation when you whisper in my ear? Or say naughty things on the phone? Or share a new drink or new dish with you when dining out? This is what builds the foundation for a new relationship to develop. It’s not always a red flag for an abnormal situation to develop. It is the human condition to want to connect. Which you are partaking in also to combat your vacuum of emptiness inside.
Do respond absolutely. That is what I want.No it isn’t a red flag at all, in fact those things are not red flags in themselves and the intensity of response you feel from us doing those things is not one either, but it is part of our arsenal of seduction and thus this is why we are so dangerous – the sensation you feel is similar whether it comes from a non-N as from an N.
There are some instances where intensity is not a red flag, however overall it is a red flag
You are welcome Bethany. I answered your wordpress request. Please let me know.
Does it ever fucking go away?
You create obsession that is so mistaken for love. For all my bluster about growth and gratitude of being free, there remains a slice of me that simply cannot forget.
How do you know how to create this? Do you intuit it? Is it learned? How do you know the depth of your victims addiction? Is it because we tell you?
How do you know?
Not in its entirety but there is much you can do to counter it and just for you “Exorcism: Purging the Narcissist from Inside Your Head” is on its way.
You will never forget, it is the tackling the link between remembering and the emotion that is key.
Much of this arises from the way we operate. We are not vanilla remember, everything we do during seduction and the devaluation is so significant that it “imprints” on you to such a degree that it creates this effect in any event. The more aware of us know this happens (because you tell us and also because those who operate in this field tell us of the impact) so we see this and consider how we can make it all the more effective. That is why I create a “scent set” for each new prospect for example. Our victims tell us about the depth of the addiction.
Thanks for explaining a bit more. Yes, It does seem I will never forget and my emotional response to these memories certainly have diminished due to the passage of time and the awareness to the dynamics of the dance.
There are times when I feel very triggered, or I find myself searching for these memories in a not so healthy way, to fill my own emptiness – my ️Healing work centers much around how to soothe my tender central nervous system through the application of self love and awareness and to avoid the trap of “longing”. Most days, more than not I am able to see the perseverative mental groove for what it really is…just a brain that has been hijacked by a false prophet promising relief for an ancient wound that happened long before him.
This blog continues to concern me as the psychosexual components are also a trigger. Reading your explanation today made me feel better…not.
Self love in addition will take you to a good place on the painful memories Bethany.
Letting go + SL
“We are not vanilla remember, everything we do during seduction and the devaluation is so significant that it “imprints” on you to such a degree that it creates this effect in any event.”
That´s true. But the “wiring” does not imprint in our heads but on a somatic level. Therefore, I think the title should be “Exorcism: Purging the Narcissist from Inside Your Heart & Soul” would be a much more accurate title for that next book.
My experience is that while analysing and dissecting narc behaviours from a rational, intellectual point of view *alone* does not work to extinguish the “mixture” inside of former narc targets hearts and souls. It helps a little to *see* clearer (to clear your mind of IT), but it doesn´t help to *feel* clearer. Sometimes, over-analysing, re-searching, reading about narc tactics even activates the “mixture” (plus PTSD symptoms) as if they were currently hoovering or being around in any physical way.
In fact, every hoover is a lackmus test: how does it makes us feel when they are hoovering (again)? The narc that used to be in my life just did that last week, and while I had a brief weak moment where I felt some “mixture” stirring up inside of me (mixed emotions, paradox feelings of longing, co-dependency to hope), that episode was very brief and I was able to revert to “neutral” very quickly (within less than 24 hours). Outwardly, I 100% stuck to “no emotions (= no fuel)” and he obviously got bored very quickly. Inwardly, I did feel something but it wasn´t very intense – not comparable to anything I felt during the first, second, third… eight hoover episode (I ignored 99% of them and stopped counting a long while ago so I lost track, LOL).
The tides started to turn after I started to work on healing on a somatic level (Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, Quanta Freedom Healing and Tapping techniques helped me the most). Suddenly, something shifted. As if a very ancient pain got out of my system, and with the pain, the attachment to the narc vanished. Simultaneously, I finally realised that to love does not equal to give/take care of somebody endlessly, regardless of how they treated you.
You can´t make anybody love you if they don´t (or can´t). It´s not even their fault – they just CAN´T love. It´s even worse, they hate you for being able to love (them, yourself, whoever). That´s so sad and so difficult to wrap your head around, but it´s the truth. Of course, there is a cluster B-spectrum and the lesser narc may be able to display ways that *seem* to be remorseful, loving, understanding etc. Mentally, they might even be able to control their destructive ways (?), at least sometimes. But my experience is that it´s never sustainable.
How can you have a loving relationship with somebody you can never, ever really trust?
Of course, you can have a passionate, playful, whirlwind relationship you can never, ever really trust! It´s even easier to have that type of “romance” with someone so charming, seductive and unpredictable as are most narcs. It really heightens the erotic tension, no doubt about that. But this is inter-changeable. It´s not really about you or him. It´s about a certain dynamic and that´s all. So you might choose that kind as a lover, nothing more. But as we all know, that´s a slippery slope with those creatures. THEY won´t leave it at that. They want more from US. They will project their *creature* onto us, and that´s when the downfall starts. Can you really deal with their CREATURE long-term?
How did you, how do you *really* feel inside when you are fighting against that energy- and soul-sucking creature that crawls into your mind, heart & soul? How do you deal with the knowledge that they will always, ALWAYS keep other targets in the wings, in order to triangulate you against each other or (at least temporarily) replace you with them whenever they think it´s suitable? Why do you keep *giving* your time, energy and love to someone who is inherently unable to reciprocate?
It felt good when the FAKE felt so real and alive. I wish I could feel that way again. Oh, that sweet, delusional state of ecstasy and excitement!;-)
But those shoes just do not fit me any more. There is simply no way that I am going to revert to that toxic cycle again. Not only do I KNOW too much, I also FEEL different. Now, that´s freedom, isn´t it? :-)))
HG says “it is the tackling the link between remembering and the emotion that is key” – an excellent way to describe it. That is what I had been doing as part of the process by telling my mind to stop the emotion from taking hold (ET).
Hello Bethany, I do hope this finds you well. I can hear your anger, frustration and pain of which you express so well. Thank you. Can trauma truly be forgotten? I don’t believe so, however we can and do find a way to live with having experienced trauma – we assimilate this into our being and can live a richer and deeper meaning based life, it changes both the way we relate to ourselves and the world.
Beautifully put and this is how I choose to move forward. Thank you for reminding me that we do endure a trauma as a result of the interaction. I’m reeling somewhat today because I dodged yet another bullet in the ongoing online dating world saga. Grateful I folloed my intuition and trusted mysekf but super angry that I still appear on the radar for these types. I always hear the same fucking thing…”there’s just something about you” . A phrase that was once a compliment has now become a loaded weapon for self doubt.
I always appreciate your perspective and genuine empathic words Flower and Rock. Always a must following HG’s painful and bitter medicine.
Bethany it does goes away.
Just go through all those moments that give you pain and live the pain and cry it out as many times as you need. While umderstanding where the programming was. It should ease away… 🌷🌷🌷
I have cried an ocean of ️tears Nikitta. It’s a good release for sure. Not for him anymore. For me. That I had to go through this. That this experience is a profound part of my story.
Me too Bethany . Ocean and olimpic pool together… 🌷
You will make me desperate to touch you. Well, I can’t remember being held or hugged by my mother as a child. I remember being smacked, beaten with weaponized household objects, and, that’s about it. But I’m not desperate to touch my mother…if she tried to hug me now, I’d burst into flames.
Understandable 🌷
Sometimes I really hate reading your posts… as a new relationship begins I’m cautiously waiting for these signs… one foot in the relationship, one out… hoping that the red flags don’t begin to appear… wondering if the newness of the relationship is why I am aflutter… or if I’m being carefully groomed…. hard to trust that a man’s interest in me is real and not orchestrated…
Precisely what happens from our theft of your ability to trust.
Nothing has been stolen
Not precisely stolen… but cautiousness deeply instilled.
to be cautious I think is normal Sheila…
Hello Sheila. I hope this finds you well. I am not certain I am understanding your response here. Are you saying that your own self trust has not been stolen and is deeply instilled in you? or are you saying that your own self trust has not been stolen, and the fear of trusting has been deeply instilled? or are you saying something entirely different?
Hello F&R… I trust myself, but my past relationships (plural) with Ns have instilled a deep fear of trusting others. I seem to be always on the look out for signs and hidden meanings. I’m very slow to trust anyone again.
Hello Sheila, thank you for your courage. Yes,a normal response as a recourse to the abuse that has been inflicted. I see you taking great care in protecting yourself, listening to yourself whilst you are in the navigation of the trauma. Our senses often become heightened, hyper-vigilant to our surroundings and the players in our stories. As you move with the trauma and eventually through it as you achieve balance,this will dissipate. It may provide helpful to take time to get in touch with your own beliefs around trust, where those beliefs come from, what meaning do they hold for you, how do they allow you to move through the world and express your own sense of freedom. Something that may be of support to reflect on ….
“It is about knowing the difference between a truth and an untruth. If one cannot see the difference, one cannot trust, and if one cannot trust, one cannot love. This is about the relationship that one has with self.” – copywrited material.
Nobody steals this. You give this yourself back.
Sheila !!!!!
So nice to see you around again 🌷😃.
Reading HG should never make you unsure about a relationship. On the contrary he has givem you all the tools to identify if this person is only grooming you or not. Feel secure with all that you have learned at HG school!!!
Secure to have both feet in or secure to have both feet out until you know he is not an N. If you dont feel secure and you want to wait and if he really want to give it all in trying to work out something with you than he in theory should not mind waiting…
I had this conver
Lots of light 🙏🏻 and luck in your new relationship Sheila 🌷🎈.
I do enjoy reading and learning everything you write about. Thank you for the insight. Can i just say though, that this all can only happen if we’re giving our consent. We do the thinking in our brains nobody else so we have the freedom to choose and make our own decisions. Manipulation makes our thoughts foggy and clouds judgement but we can still come to our own conclusions and decisions based on right or wrong and our beliefs 🙂
Hello Claire, thank you for your observation, I am sure your comment concerning the giving of consent will raise some interesting responses.
Hello Claire. I hope this finds you well. What are some of the beliefs that you carry that support your clarity and boundary towards manipulation?
Well i believe that we all make our own choices and we should be responsible for them. How we go about our daily lives and decisions that we make is all by choice. We choose our thoughts and what we think about, nobody else does. Manipulation can trick the brain into thinking something is what it seems but did we also allow the manipulator to sow the seed in the first place and against our own better judgement? We all need to be accountable for all our thoughts, choices and decisions i believe.
Hello Claire. Your post reminds me of the need to understand our own relationship with how we discern our senses which in turn form our intuition. How do we navigate in a world where the reality is that we are not accountable for all of our thoughts, choices and decisions? No one is immune from abuse, however as adults we only apprehend our choice, by means of empowerment through making conscious decisions to not participate. We are mostly moving through life unconsciously, however with courage and work we can bring this into consciousness, when we are ready.
Claire, have you been involved with an N before ?
Yes and i still have one in my life in another state that i have chosen to keep talking too as he did a good job on bonding me to him so i am still choosing to have contact but im onto him and i know what he’s about and how he works so i try to be one step ahead now and not let him take the reigns so to speak and have full control and walk all over me. And yes, he’s good with words and has managed to get me to lower my guard (with my consent) but i know what he’s agenda is so i will never allow him full control. He can be in my life but at a distance and as long as he’s not trying to f**ck it up in any way.
Do you really see it like this??? This is not love. At least not to my eyes.. Either you let somebody in your life or not… And if yes then With love for this person and yourself you can set healthy boundaries for both of you.. By loving yourself you help and love the other person more…if he is an N and you love this person then by really loving yourself you can ensure you will have the patience and light to give and Understand him to work it out to a place where it doesnt hurt and you feel stepped over.
If course if he is an N you cant expect a totally healthy relationship of the give and take, but love yourself and give all you can. This is the principle in any relationship but since with an N you have to give more of yourself then SL will help you with this.
This is what I have concluded personally from reading RR and his theory that it never works.
He even did a math equation.
An empty codependant and a N are both half a person. And half + half is 1 and not 2 ( healthy relationship) so it doesnt work. But if there is a recovered codependant and N this is 1.5 😃😃 so this might work, below the healthy relationship which would be 2 of course. But you have to believe in it!!!!! And love you both. 🌷🌷
I agree to a point Claire. We do all have choices and can act / not act on what is presented to us.
However, it is all pretence for one, plus I’m sure most Ns do as mine did, learn everything about mind control, NLP and manipulation techniques.
The FBI claim anyone be influenced and mind controlled, unless they have been mind controlled previously and successfully deprogrammed themself.
I’m fairly certain I’m fully deprogrammed, I can spot most (not all) methods of manipulation because I’ve read so much.
So no I don’t believe we consented at all in fact quite the opposite. I can only liken it to emotional rape.
Thankfully for me I didn’t disclose anything. I didn’t trust him but I didn’t really understand why at the time. But he had me close, very very close to telling him lots of things I would have regretted. So I can only imagine how awful another person would have felt if they’d disclosed things that were private and later used against them.
I hope you manage to keep distancing yourself Claire. NC complete end to it really is the best way. I don’t know how I would have coped without NC. It would be like constantly picking at a scab.
I went back to the environment I know him from after a couple of months NC. But I needed that time. It’s over two years since I went NC now, so I see him most weeks for an hour or so. He doesn’t have any affect on me but I do sense I’m heading for a real hate campaign.
But I already have a few new places to go. Off with the old………..
True claire And feelings. When it feels great to give all these emotions to somebody then you do it ❤️❤️. You feel with this person and it makes your heart jump and feel alive. When it doesnt and you feel empty or sucked like other readers have commented then i totally agree you have to look first imto yourself and your beliefs and desires. I like your comment.
Well i believe that we all make our own choices and we should be responsible for them. How we go about our daily lives and decisions that we make is all by choice. We choose our thoughts and what we think about, nobody else does. Manipulation can trick the brain into thinking something is what it seems but did we also allow the manipulator to sow the seed in the first place and against our own better judgement? We all need to be accountable for all our thoughts, choices and decisions i believe.
Well I dont know about manipulations.. Even having read the kit they are difficult to catch…
I dont think you can say. Ok now I let myself be manipulated…now not… Is this what you mean?
I dont really think you can know if you are manipulated or not. The only thing you can do is listen to your inner feelings of well being, inner peace and capability to give. At least those are my beliefs that would guide me.
I would say for me it is based on how much I can still give… Everything is okay until you feel you can still give and for that is important you are not empty yourself and the only way a codependant is not empty is with SL.
PS like described above exactly happened to me… Its like following a book of instructions 😖😨… Its gone now.. Neverthess to read you past life in the words of someone else gives a ” strange ” feeling 😂😂😂.
Thanks for posting HG. Pleasure pleasure to read you always 😘
Thank you
I am waiting ❤️❤️😘