Show and Tell (The 15 Portentous Remarks of the Narcissist)
It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.
“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”
“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”
“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”
If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.
“I did warn you.”
“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”
“I told you so.”
“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”
“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”
Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.
With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.
- I am a bad person really.
- I will only hurt you.
- You should stay away from me.
- I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
- I will make you wish you had never met me.
- It will go wrong, it always does.
- You will end up hating me.
- You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
- You shouldn’t do this.
- You should leave while you can.
- This is going to turn out badly.
- I have to hurt people.
- I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
- I just want to fit in.
- I’m not what you think I am.
69 thoughts on “Show and Tell (The 15 Portentous Remarks of the Narcissist)”
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I remembered how my ex avoided drinking alcohol in larger quantities with me. I think that he was afraid to lose control. At the beginning he warned me saying that I don’t know who he is when I said something nice about him.
It would be nice if you could point out what narcissists do in a way I can pick up on it buy things they do or say I real would appreciate some feed back on this please and if you have alot on physical abuse verbal abuse please I want to know as much information as I can get please.
I would suggest you read the books ‘Evil”, “From the Mouth of a Narcissist”, “Red Flag” and “Black Flag”.
Hello there. Nikita! I’m so glad you liked the scene in the movie! This is my favorite film! It has a reputation as a gangster movie….but that label sells this film short…..
It’s really a love story about a family, their loyalty, love, history, and heartbreaks….it’s about how blood is always thicker than water…and when Michael betrays his family bond….he snuffs out his own soul…..
A great American saga…Godfather II is just as good too….III didn’t do it justice….sadly….
Hi T
Thanks for the video. Very Romantic. I loved the ancient Italian villages. ❤️ Scenery. The guys are not that bad.. But Im not into anymore those Italian-Greek type of macho man anymore.. attractiom should come from inside though.. ❤️
I think England has a disproportionate amount of insidious narcs than America. And you don’t want these English narcs – particularly if they are SE England Narcs. Evil incarnate. I am married to one. Hell on earth. Are these women seriously flirting with you?? I feel like I am watching a scene with Patrick Bateman on repeat. Just mad.
Hello Persephone, I suspect the anecdotal has outstripped the empirical here. On what do you base your opening remark out of interest?
Indeed the blind leading the blind
Some women flirt and banter with HG but I believe (hopefully) most of them are just appreciative of the information he provides and it’s all in fun. However, there are some who appear to be completely infatuated and have convinced themselves that he isn’t as bad as he claims and possesses good, loving traits! SMH
I’ve been on here everyday now for about 9 months. H.G. has come to learn many personal things about me, and in doing so enlightened me with knowledge and support that I did not even get from my therapist. I view it like poking fun and bantering with a favorite co-worker. My God, you have to add some levity and laughs or this Sh*t would get too depressing all the time. I’m also brave knowing there’s an ocean between us! Lol I can see where new readers who may not always read comments even, think it’s messed up and not understand where I’m coming from. However, I will say I never forget what H.G. says he is capable of. I do see where other reader(s) definitely have rose colored glasses on at times monopolizing posts. I do not intentionally mean to offend anyone. If my posts or questions are directed to H.G. though, I do view it as my conversation with him no matter what I want to say. Feel free to skim over my posts if they are not relatable or to your liking as I do the same when I run into that too.
Well said! I always enjoy reading your banter💜
Him: “I’m gonna hurt you really badly Scott”.
Me: “Bring it on”.
I asked for it. Lol.
Hi HG! Hi everyone!
I think met a lesser N last Sunday at the grocery store. It was the day before Memorial Day. I was on my way to a friend’s BBQ, and I stopped to pick up snacks. There was an emo/zen type guy that saw me in the aisle of potato chips….his eyes locked on mine like a lighting bolt. He stopped to chat me up and said he was new to town….he asked for my number…I gave it….he “loved my energy” BIG MISTAKE!
He texted me that day-even though I told him Is be busy the rest of the day….the next day was a Holiday. I asked him if he had the day off (like most Americans), he avoided the question. Hmmmm…..I only date guys that have their lives together. No offense…but I have my crap together….and I expect my men to also have their crap together! He texted back hours later….avoiding the question again?! I figured he didn’t have a job. Now, in this economy… That could just be temporary…no biggie…. I flat out asked him what he did for a living. He told me he was permanently disabled because of a motor vehicle accident. I’m not sure if I could handle a life like that-I’m just going to be honest. If I were married to a man that became disabled-I’d step it up and be the breadwinner….but I know I don’t want to start of married life and live married life in poverty. I was honest about this. Well, Mr. Zen went into a RAGE of epic proportions!! Lol
He called me an angel for days….now he called me a gold digging spawn of Satan! Lol He called me names I can’t even repeat! After 5 days!
He never took me out–because he wouldn’t be able to afford dinner! I don’t pay for dates (never start something you don’t intend on finishing) That type of courting just does not turn me on-period! I was willing to be friends….but after he flipped a script on me–I just blocked his number!
HG-was this guy an N?! How did he spot me so fast in the grocery store?! Crazy!!!!
Hi T, there are definite indicators there. If he said he was permanently disabled did he say in what way as if he was (from a motor accident) unless it was related to mental health I would have thought you would have seen that when you met him. Certainly your honesty with him amounted to a criticism and his reaction is evident ignited fury. How did he spot you so fast? Easy you stood right in his sights.
Thanks, HG! He didn’t seem physically disabled when I saw him running around the supermarket. I really think his disability is based on mental health issues. During our communications he would start talking in the 3rd person….and then he’d point it out and apologize for it?! He had no explanation for doing this! I think he was trying to gauge a reaction from me.
I was just honest with him when I told him that because he wasn’t able to work-that would be a deal breaker. My father’s advice to me was to always “piss a man off early in the relationship to see if he is crazy”. This was the first time I was bold enough to try it–and it paid off! lol!
This guy was so verbally abusive and mean….he tore his own mask off and exposed himself! He was the victim type of N I thought…..there is a man shortage here in America. Lot’s of men are aware of this–and they use it to their advantage. I’m no gold-digger. I’m fully capable of supporting myself. I want a man that can add to my life emotionally. I pay my own bills! I like to be courted the old fashioned way. This guy can’t even take a lady out to dinner….however, there are many American women that like having the power over a man and will gladly pay for everything….that’s a turnoff to me…. I thought a new agey guy like that would respect my preferences….
There’s a man shortage in the US? HG is booking his airline ticket.
I second that there is a man shortage here!!
Yes, HG! There is a huge shortage of quality men like yourself around America! A girl could always pick a loser….but most quality women want quality men!
Book that flight, HG! Bring some of your hot friends! Hook a sister up, my friend! Lol
I have never been approached or hit on like that in a grocery store. He seemed really aggressive and no matter what, clearly has anger management issues. Good move blocking him! Jeesh!
Hi M! I know! I first thought it was a little romantic….like in The Godfather….when Michael had to hide in Italy. He was walking through the countryside and ran into the girl he dumped Kay for….he looked like he’d been struck by lighting! lol This guy even looked like Al Pacino did in that scene! The Godfather is my favorite film ever….the look on Michael’s face when he first sees that girl is priceless….truly love at first sight….❤️.
Yes, M…..I blocked that fool! I will always use my father’s advice now! It smokes N’s and jerks out FAST!
Having that point of reference when you met this guy in the grocery store, I can totally understand why you engaged and went with the flow. I’d jump off the train though too the minute I found out someone had the background this individual did. We are old enough and wise enough to know that “Livin’ on a Prayer” like a Bon Jovi song just does not cut it in the real world for very long. It is hardly romantic. lol
This story is not nearly as funny as yours, but here goes. Last weekend I dabbled a bit on the dating app Bumble. I matched with a guy our age and he barely had anything written in his bio except he was a divorced dad. One of his pictures however, it seemed he had a good sense of humor. I think that’s why I swiped right. Anyways, within a few quick texts he asked to meet for dinner or drinks. If I don’t have much to go on, I found a great way to filter out is to ask someone to tell me 3 things I should know about them. Here’s where I’m looking for general fun facts about a person. For instance, I love the Cleveland Indians. My vice is Krispy Kreme donuts. I’m a dance mom but have not gotten into any cat fights to date (for our non-U.S. friends there is a reality show about dance moms who always are fighting). This guy answered 1. I’m a great dad to 2 girls. 2. I have a very high sex drive. 3. I’m a cop.
Really? I don’t even know your last name but I now know you have a high sex drive? AWESOME. Yeah, that’s when I hit delete. Not even worth a response.
And now I have H.G. in my head saying how these guys online make it so easy for him because they are crass and have no conversation skills whatsoever. So true!
1. I love Krispy Kreme donuts with a high sex drive. 2. My vice is dance moms and cops (both combined is even better) 3. I love being a dad to the Cleveland Indians. Do I win?
You are too damn funny for words right now. #HGwinning #MLAswooning
I cannot disagree.
Great point, M.! Their people skills are lacking! Big time! I do prefer online dating….I stay so busy….it’s easier. A girl at my church that just turned 40, met a great guy on Match….he even comes to church w her! I use Match, and I have met some solid guys on there….and some N’s!
I have a hot date w a Match guy tomorrow night…. I hope he’s not an N. He’s tall, smart, old fashioned, and NO PRIORS(no kids/never married). He’s 10 years my junior-which is my cut off. I can tell we will hit it off….❤️!
There are guys that you’ll meet that are looking for sex-like the guy you met last week! Smart hitting delete! Try Match! It’s worth the $! Especially in your area! You get what you pay for. If it’s free you’ll get some losers! Match is about $20 per month! The difference in quality is obvious! You deserve a summer romance💋🍸❤️
T, I have tried them all since my divorce 4 years ago. Lol I have stayed away from Match for about a year 1/2. I think because you are in a bigger market and closer to a metro area, you have a better selection pool to choose from. I tried Match 4 times and refuse to pay for the same low quality that is on the free sites. Also, being in the corn and soybean belt of my state (abt 120 miles out of Chicago), there are some nice guys granted but huge supply of the hunting, fishing, 3-wheeling, camping crowd. Nothing against those past times, but not my thing. And over time, that will bore me to tears if I don’t share common interests and at least 1 hobby with my partner. The happiest couples I know are the ones that share a common passion, whether it’s traveling, boating, golfing, theatre or concerts. When they’re divided in interests, over time when passion subsides, cracks can develop. I can attest to that with my marriage.
I had tried to increase my radius with Match to include Metro Chicago, and even though I occasionally talked to a seemingly nice guy, reality is no one wants to have to plan ahead for a day trip initially just to go on a date.
Match has been a complete 0 for me in my area. I also had to report at least 3 profiles for abuse where pics used looked straight out of GQ. They used fictitious IL towns, but shared exact same verbiage claiming to be a widower looking for marriage. Complete predatory moves.
Anyways I think I’ve become pretty numb to the concept of romance, sadly. But if it happens, I want it permanent, not for a season or a holiday.
Damn, I are they using my GQ pictures again? That reminds me, I haven’t been paid for that photoshoot yet.
Oh H.G., feel free to send me a snap and I’ll let you know if someone is being sneaky trying to play Catfish!!
Good try Clarece.
A girl can always ask…
I hear you! When I decided that I did want to marry, I Started to date different types of men than the musician/artist type that I was used to. At that time, I had a cute 350 Z that was just a pleasure to take on road trips. I joined Match, and decided to give guys all over California a chance! Expanding my dating radius did wonders! I had boyfriends all over the state! A 6’5 handsome teacher in the Bay Area, a real estate mogul 6’4 in the Hollywood Hills, a nice Persian older man in San Francisco! I didn’t have to take anymore weekend call for work, and these men always invited me to the city for something exciting and spoiled me to pieces! My hometown is rather boring if you come from a metropolitan city…..so it was ALWAYS me doing the driving….although, I had a bad ass sports car that was a pleasure to drive….it was all good. The thing is, it’s hard forming a new relationship on weekends only. We were all seeing other people, and having fun….I don’t regret those years…but it made me realize that unless you’re already in a relationship with a person-dating long distance does not work. It’s different when you’ve been together a year and he moves 100 miles away and you have to adjust. But staring off from scratch long distance did not work for me. If I want to go out to dinner-it shouldn’t be an event or have to wait 5 days. I also learned that I made it too easy on these men….sure they paid for everything and showed me a great time….but to really gauge a mans level of interest….a woman MUST make a man WORK to see you. When he has to do all of the driving-you’ll know where his heart is at…these days I let any man contacting me out of my county that he must be a gentleman and do all the driving for our first date. If he acts funny about it….I Know his level of interest.
However, if your child is gone with her dad some weekends…why not meet a nice guy in Chicago and have a blast on those weekends? Illinois is a train state, right? You could just hop on a train? You’re situation is different than mine….you don’t seem to want anything serious…but having fun CAN and WILL take your mind off of N exes! To me, that’s the quickest way to get those jerks out of my head!
The hot guy from Match just confirmed our date for tonight! I’ll fill you all in tomorrow! I have butterflies!❤️ lol
All very interesting and I look forward to the update on tonight’s shenanigans. It is worthwhile me adding an observation. The “tactics” you now employ to make a man test his mettle (and you of course are not alone in this) is one of the reasons you make it so easy for my kind at times. You have been conditioned to expect men to be the white knight, the chivalrous chap, the one who must make the running, exhibit his interest in you and you subscribe to that point of view. Accordingly since this is expected of men and also it is deemed to show that he is a good man, interested and worthwhile continuing the liaison with it enables us to adopt those expectations and we do so gladly. You want those things; we will give them to you and there is our in. I am not blaming you for this approach, I entirely understand it and indeed welcome and embrace it.
I also have a question.
What would you do if you suggested to a prospective date that he drives and he pleasantly replied, “why don’t you drive?” This may not be determinative of his interest but rather that he wants you to prove your interest to him. Is that a bad thing? What if he is a firm believer in equality and since ladies have ought equality in terms of suffrage, treatment, opportunity and pay, he believes the same should apply to dating? He will drive next time (and he will stand by that). Or is it that equality is expected except when it comes to the world of romance and intimacy? I would be interested to know what you think.
HG, you do have a valid point! I think for most women we fall back on the “White Knight Syndrome” by default! You’re right, if they accept the challenge of being a gentleman–that’s an “in”. They can skip a few “test” because they were raised well and they have old fashioned manners! My mother told me what her father expected of the young men that came to court his daughters. He had 4 daughters and 5 sons.
My grandfather never let a boy have a second date with his girls if he broke these “rules”:
1. Made her pay for anything
2. Didn’t look him in the eyes when talking to him.
3. Had dirty shoes (this was huge!)
4. Didn’t come to the door when picking his daughter up for a date. Boys that blew the horn were denied the date that night-and forever.
5. Had dirty hands or fingernails
The girls were given a dime for a phone call if he got out of line. Although, my grandfather was a simple man….not much education, he was a sanitation worker for the city…he raised 9 kids and a wife on just his salary. He felt it was a mans role to take care of things. He died the year I was born, but my mother and aunts clung to these beliefs. None of them got ensnared with N’s, and if their husbands disrespected them-they tried once to repair the situation. After that if he was a fool they’d pack up and leave–and never looked back! My grandfathers rules with his daughters, and having 5 brothers, instilled in his girls that they only deserved the best-and to never accept any less. My mom taught us to be the same way. Expect the man to be the man! She is often confused by how much of an empath I am. I didn’t have brothers…I didn’t have to be tough. Our parents raised us strict–but if we messed up, we were just showered with love and affection….and understanding….hence, we are empaths! Lol
However, I still have those “white knight” expectations….does that make sense?
If I really liked the guy, I Would drive on the first date. I’d think; if he asked me to drive-he must have a good reason for it….. but the last time I did that-the guy cancelled at the last minute-and I was 40 miles north of home!😡
I believe in equal pay and equal rights for women, but I like being treated like a lady. To me this feels most natural…
However, what’s a man to think? I guess we ladies should make up our minds! Lol
I agree with the point about shoes. You can tell a man by his shoes.
Was also my mothers obsession the shoes.
I agree, HG! I’m not sure what this test was all about…but my grandpa was never wrong about a man that courted his girls. I suppose if I had been a sticker for these rules…i wouldn’t have been fooled just because a man drive 100 miles to see me…in this day and age….a man giving crumbs get turned into a loaf….without much effort….they get lots of “passes” on that….
Absolutely! Shoes can make or break the man. Works both ways too! A great pair of shoes can completely transform a 2nd hand dress!
Always remember; no brown in town.
Oh my! I come across as not wanting anything serious? That’s the farthest from the truth. That’s funny to me if I portray that. Most of my profiles, in fact, I’ve had to alter over time to read “if you’re only looking for hook-ups please swipe left”; “I’m a 1-guy kind of girl”, etc. I seriously got propositioned more times that I lost count for FWB, or better yet being in a college town, Frat boys looking to fill the cougar experience on their bucket list or looking for someone to play “teacher” and mentor them in the bedroom to make them better for the girls their own age. For real? I’ve actually explained to some of these youngin’s “if you prick me, I will bleed. I am a human. Not a science experiment.” It’s flattering for about all of 10 seconds. “Fun” has seemed to equate for guys I’ve come in contact with that let’s play between the sheets, then I’m off to my next bedroom buddy for more fun while you sit at home waiting for me to text you again. It comes across too surface and 1-dimensional. I’ve gotten to where I choose solitude over that.
I agree Chicago is really too far to really start any kind of serious dating and to meet first for a quick coffee to just see if there is a spark enough to warrant a real date night isn’t worth a two hour drive to find out unless I’m already in Chicago with other plans. The few dates I did go on thru Internet a couple years ago, I never wanted them to know where I live or work yet. I always met them in public for the first and even second dates. I will drive to them until I figure out if they are trustworthy.
I do just have a couple of weekends free each month because of my schedule with my daughter, which does make it harder I guess on someone who might want to be spontaneous with plans. I don’t have that luxury. If I’m choosing to spend my precious and few days off with you, you had better be interested in me and just me for the time being.
Yeah, I guess I’m one of those girls that are “too picky”. Oh well.lol
Have you tried Elite singles? It’s an online dating site for picky people. Lol! I have not checked it out….I know I’d have to expand my search out to the LA area to find the quality guys….not sure if I want the trouble of long distance….however, I am open to having fun and making new friends…
My date went very well last night! He’s everything I like in a man! Tall, intelligent, great manners, handsome, and he’s a police officer! I figured he was a cop judging by the schedule he has. 6 days on, 2 days off…I thought cop or fireman…. I was leaning towards fireman judging by his pictures. In my mind him being a cop equals him being an honest man….I know that might not be true…. I could tell we’d get along by his emails and pictures. We have good chemistry! I could fall fast for him and I know it…..that could be good or bad…
He looks a lot like N3….he has a boyish innocence about him. I don’t think he’s an N. His last relationship was w a woman 12 years his senior that lasted years. She moved out and is mad at him…this was a red flag to me…because he claimed innocence to any wrong doing. I will see him again, because he has all the qualities I like…but I will also see others before making a commitment.
Anyways, try Elite Singles; M.! I think you might have good luck on that one!😀👍🏽
Hi HG, M., and Nikita!
I found the scene from The Godfather! The guy from the supermarket even looked liked Pacino from this scene. Little hat and all…
Nikita, not sure if you’ve seen it….HG and M., do you remember it? No wonder I was dumb enough to give him my number! Lol!
https://youtu.be/PAgB3qxvRkU
T
I missed you!! Welcome back. You have the most interesting stories!!!! Always!!! 😂😂👍🏻👍🏻
Hi Nikita! Thank you! lol! I’m going to pen down all of these crazy stories in a book! “Stories of my life–my friendships, my love affairs, and my heartbreaks through the years!” lol!
Hahaha just let me know. You have one buyer 😃👍🏻
HG,
The statements you refer to in this blog that you make to your source of fuel…I have read them verbatim in emails that my ex-husband wrote to the girlfriend before me. However, it seemed as though he was convincing her to leave because he had found another source of fuel. He didn’t want that to fall on his shoulders. I realize that he also didn’t completely want to sever the relationship because he knew he would need her again. She took wonderful care of his son; and this is exactly what happened. I have had the longest “relationship” with my Narc; despite the divorce he refuses to let me go. We have a child together which he uses as a pawn, and to control me. However, during our time together (I struggle to call it a relationship), he never once said those things to me. I have actually called him out on his bullshit, and have sent him quite a few of your blogs. According to him, he deletes them immediately and requests that I do not send him things of that nature.
He tends to choose alcohol as his escape. During those times he would break down and cry, but always blaming someone else, or stating that people failed to see his greatness.
Per the Narcissistic Roller coaster, there will be times where he rages and blames the world on me. I continue to point out his disorder, which he then will text me that I need to seek help.
Why have I been the only one he hasn’t made these statements to that you refer to? He’s obviously made them multiple times before with others. As he is aging, his ability to perform is declining. He has been exposed publicly in his personal and professional life, turning into somewhat of a hermit.
As I continue to read your work, I must ask, how old are you? At what point does the narcissist begin to lose his ability to maintain the facade? And does one always remain a greater N or a lesser N? Is he refusing to discard me because he has been exposed to the extent that he has? Or does he just view me as weak?
Hello L, we target our victims for three main reasons. The provision of fuel, the provision of traits which we take for ourselves and also the fact you do things for us. It may be the case that your N has never said these things to you because he is aware that your value in terms of the third reason for targeting someone is increasing. He realises that his exposure (coupled with his diminishing powers to charm and seduce) results in him relying on you more than ever – to provide fuel, to provide traits and also to care for him. He therefore has no underlying desire to lash out at you for fear of such a considerable loss to him and therefore the comments are not made as they are not lurking beneath the surface and/or he no desire to foreshadow something which may not happen as part of game-playing.
In terms of my age, I am old enough to know and young enough to still do it.
The ability to maintain the façade does not necessarily diminish. It is a careful balance between the devil appearing to the primary source and the saint to everybody else. It would only be where the devil began to appear to other sources and those sources could not be replaced with new ones or there was some massive and believable exposure of the narcissist that the façade would crack.
One does remain a lesser or a greater. It is based on the function. A greater may lose the desire to torture and slay with aging and diminished powers but not completely and the malign nature remains even if it appears less often. It is like an ailing dictator, wheeled out for May Day parades and state occasions only.
“I am out of my league here with you” “I’m really just a thug.” “I’m trouble.” ” I’ve had to hurt people in my past.” What? This elegant, generous , beautiful, gentleman?? You bet.
HG, was the mask easier or more difficult to stay in place when you seduced Lesley, the It girl? After all, you were furious at her from her cruel treatment of your brother at the bar. So, the love bombing phase wouldn’t have involved you thinking that maybe she is the “one” that will meet all your needs, unlike the others.
Hello Hope, a good question. Fortunately for me I have sufficient control to enable me to achieve my aims. I used my fury to ensure that my seduction of Lesley was swift and deep as I savoured the downfall which was rightly coming her way. You are correct. I did not think she was the “one”. This love-bombing was akin to the seduction of a supplementary source; for fuel and for another purpose.
This was so interesting to read because I had hears those sentences but never knew why. The reason. And you are so spot on and so exact. The types and the reasons match perfectly the classification I have made of my exes according to your theory.
Very good HG.
Thankyou 💋
You are welcome
Another of his lines engraved into my mind is this one:
“I don’t think I have a problem being close to someone or with intimacy. But I know I have an issue with faith (= staying physically faithful to one woman).”
Why the hell did I let that pass by?
Made because he’d just called me by his ex girl-friends’ name while making love to me, which had hurt and confused me so much I couldn’t think straight anymore?
My mind was busy understanding why he had done that? On purpose, as a mean, dirty way to triangulate me? Or because he genuinely though of her while having sex with me? Which one was worse?
In all that confusion, he delivered that message of “not afraid of intimacy but afraid of faithfulness.” When in fact, he meant “I know how to enmesh myself in your life but I am terrified to be exclusive because one is never enough supply and because I get bored so easily.”
Looking back, the masks slipped so many times, even during the golden period or during hoovering. But I more or less consciously chose to ignore that: I too was stuck in la-la-land.
Today, I’ve forgiven myself for my former lack of self-assertiveness and self-protection. The good thing is that the experience brought awareness of stuff I’d never really realized before. So all in all, I am thankful for the experience. And stronger: I navigated through his latest hoover quite effortlessly. GREY ROCK rocks:-)
Mine said “I’m evil”, and I chose to nitpick and find out why he said that, instead of running for the door. The beauty of that is…once bitten, twice shy. I now believe that will never happen again. My narc radar, narc-dar, is up and fully functional nowadays. I didn’t even have one before. I understand some women/men almost ALWAYS end up with narcs. That’s insane to me. I will never again tempt fate and be so inquisitive when a demon reveals himself to me.
There’s a movie with Roddy Piper (the wrestler) called THEY LIVE, great movie….I reference that when I say I now have the sunglasses and can see clearly.
Shortly after I left my N husband, I slipped on the ice and badly broke my leg. He called to tell me that he was beaten up on his way home by some football thugs and had a broken rib and collapsed lung. I said, call the police and go to the hospital. He just kept repeating the story. I saw him a few days later…absolutely no mention of or sign of any injury.
So bizarre! A few days later he texted “I’m really sick, going to the hospital”. I just ignored him. He never mentioned it again…
Again, spot on!
The N formerly in my life once said, with a smirky smile and that reptilian side-glance (half jocking, half testing):
-“Well, people in my workplace or would never imagine that I am THAT type of person, right?”
I laughed and replied, trying to joke:
-“What do you mean? The type of guy who likes to role play, bondage and *torture* women in order to submit and dominate them??”
(I refered to his sexual tastes back then because I had not yet connected the dots).
-“Haha, well- that’s what you said. But I think you know very well what I am referring to!”
-“Hm… I don’t know. Of course you’re a bit strenge. But you’re not *that* odd either. And I told you that I’m attracted by edgy guys. I am enjoying the challenge. And I can deal with it:-)”
Teheee. Yeah, awwwright. 😈
Mine would frame these tells through the words of others
“My father in law asked if I were just BAD.”
My sister said “You’re going to hell you know”
“People have said I’m an asshole”
“I don’t deserve you”
“I don’t want to bring this to your life”
All of these preemptive warnings rolled off my back like water off a duck.
I didn’t want to see.
I don’t recall too many “warning lines” like these per say, but actually an interesting memory from during the golden period flashed after I read this.
I must have gotten the first minor blow off from JN on a weekend but nothing too major. I wasn’t really even upset at this stage because JN seemed to have a legit excuse for why I didn’t hear from him or see him and I was still giving him the benefit of the doubt. I really liked him at this point but wasn’t fully attached yet. I remember teasing him that I had a very protective brother so he should watch out. I remember he got a very stern and serious tone and said to me “I don’t like being threatened.” I just laughed it off because I wouldn’t really stick my brother to go deal with a guy I had only been seeing for a month or 2, especially to cause harm or along those lines. Flash forward to a few months later and push pull games had started and no shows when plans were made followed up with “sorry’s” and reappearances, etc. Well, after the first time I popped off on him hard for that behavior the very next time he came over my house, his body language was very tense and stiff at first. He insisted on walking through my house and checking closets, bathroom etc for anyone or my brother to be hiding and ready to pounce on him. I was shocked and hurt actually that he thought I would plot a scenario to physically harm someone I cared about. After he saw that i invited him over with good intentions he relaxed and told me (without making eye contact and looking down the entire time of this story) that he had hurt a girl’s feelings he had been seeing when he broke it off, and a few weeks later she invited him over to talk. When he went over there, her brother jumped out of a closet to give him a “tune up”. I can’t even begin to think that way so I guess I’m gullible that I’ll take someone’s word when they tell me something like that. There are crazy people out there.
Flash forward again about a year later in the throws of a heated argument and I threw in his face, “no wonder you have people jumping out of closets to beat the Sh*t out of you”. Do you know what his answer was then? “That was a joke. You’ll believe anything.”
My best friend thinks he did have someone do that being his body language was so tense and he was nervous that night initially when he came over.
However now with all that I know. Maybe a triangulation story of some kind? A fabrication for sure? Who knows?
Ever make up a story like that one HG?
Thanks for sharing that Clarece. I’ve fabricated plenty of tales along similar lines. You will have to remind me please to share them when I back from my travels.
Will do. The readers love your real life relationship stories. Gives a point of reference to make comparisons with! 😉
I appreciate that observation, thanks
Too soon for this reminder? Not sure when you are coming or going? lol We should all get to hear your top 5 fabricated tales!
You are in the Chicagoland(ish) area too, Clarece? After reading this, I will always pay heed as much as I don’t want to.
Hello 1jaded1! I am in Central IL but can easily do Chicago for a day or weekend trip. What do you mean by you’ll always pay heed now?
I will always pay heed to the signs HG outlined above in his post. I’ve ignored them more than once. No more.
Heh. Mine said to me out of the blue, “I’m really good at manipulating people.” If I recall correctly my response at the time was silence. But I still stayed.
Bah! This stinks! The whole process!! When I compare the ExN to these posts… I see a kernel of truth… but just slightly different, which makes me think… How naïve was I? Or… just how sneaky was he? I listened to comments such as, “I really am a mean person… people say that all the time, but Im just voicing my opinion!”… or “…are you ready to break up with me now?” (…after a wonderful dinner or fun concert). Or… “…I could still fuck this up”. To me, interesting how these “show and tells” are mixed with gaslighting… I have more knowledge for sure. But it is still feels like it would be tricky to discern.
Well yeah, we learn to wear masks & conceal the fact that we don’t feel the same (or any) emotions others do, but even before that, we learn not to feel those emotions…somebody somewhere tells us it’s a weakness to have those emotions, and we learn to kill our emotions & feel nothing.
But through therapy you can reconnect with them again Cara. 🌷
Very true