Sphere of Influence
Few people are unfamiliar with the Star Wars franchise. In the first film, A New Hope, Han Solo, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca have emerged from hyperspace in the millennium falcon only to find an imperial tie fighter and an absence of the planet that they had hope to reach. Instead as a perplexed Han Solo tries to figure out what is going on, the tie fighter is seen racing towards a small moon that Luke has identified. As the sphere comes into view, Obi-Wan states with a calm dread,
“That’s no moon.”
Indeed it is not. It is in fact a space station and specifically the machine of mass destruction that is the death star. Once recognition has dawned on the quartet along with the fearful consequence of being near to such a powerful weapon, they try to escape but it is too late. The millennium falcon has been caught in the death star’s tractor beam and they hare slowly dragged towards the waiting death star.
We are that death star. We glide along appearing at first to be something benign or at least neutral, our true purpose masked to those we seek to pull into our sphere of influence. Our tractor beam is powerful, unceasing and almost impossible to resist as it attaches to our victims and with our legendary seductive ability hauls them into our world. Like a rabbit caught in the headlights you are unable to escape as we pull you closer and closer to us. By the time you realise what has happened and that we are indeed ‘no moon’ it is too late, you have been caught and escape is extremely difficult. Our true purpose is hidden from and if you ever do realise that is a ‘death star’ you are sailing towards you will find it so very difficult to escape the iron hold we have over you.
There are those, through the intervention of others and the application of learned knowledge, who do manage to free themselves from the tractor beam’s hold. It is rarely immediate. The escape that might occur usually only takes place after a long period of time subjected to our burning lasers of hurt and our photon torpedoes of misery. If you manage to escape you know by now that you must stay away and keep away. We will continue to drift along, like that death star cruising through space as we take hold of fresh victims along our route and drag them towards us. Occasionally we will shift our path and make towards you once again. You remain in one place at your peril as we will approach you and once more seek to suck you in with our mighty tractor beam. We may plot a course which takes us to pastures new where we busy ourselves with fresh and shiny new victims who provide us with delicious and exciting fuel. This will occupy us but we will never forget about you. You will similarly never forget about us because of what we have done to you and the way we have conditioned you. This conditioning engenders a sense of curiousity in you. You need to know what we are doing, you want to know who we are interacting with now and thus you decide to fly past our death star, just for a distant view of the edifice that once nearly destroyed you. You feel safe watching from a distance as you fly by but be warned. Fly too close and that tractor beam will take hold of you again. If you give us any opportunity to hoover you back in once again we will seize it. You appear on our sensors and we will increase the power of the tractor beam in a bid to capture you once again. It may have been years since there was any interaction between us but if you fly too close to our death star then you will be sucked back into it and subjected to our machinations once again.
When you first try and escape we apply the tractor beam to keep you where we want you, but if you are determined and manage to depart then we set a course for new horizons and new fuel. We may at a later date decide to alter our trajectory again and move back to your solar system in the hope of grabbing you once more. Should you see us coming you need to jump in your space ship and fly somewhere else quick. If you wish to flirt with danger, feel free to follow us to the new galaxy where we are destroying new planets, but if you come too close, we will detect you and we will apply that tractor beam once again. The passage of time does not matter. It might just be a few months since you made your escape or it could be a decade, either way, if you come close to our sphere of influence our tractor beam will take a hold of you and pull you back towards us. You will always be of interest to us, it may be in a week’s time, a year or ten years but if there is a window of opportunity to take hold of you again we will gladly take it because the fuel to be gained is exquisite.
So, if you manage to escape our grip, fly to the other side of space from us and keep that distance otherwise our tractor beam will draw you in once again. That is the only hope you have to remain free of our grip. Unless of course you somehow manage to fire that photon torpedo down that exhaust chute but we both know you are never going to be able to manage that, right?
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Suggested , profound writing and using the Star Wars in your comparison , brillayant ha ha . So I see it doesn’t matter how far I live from him , or how long it’s been since I’ve seen or spoken to him ( little over a year ) I gotta still keep my eyes open as you mentioned in your reply from the other article . Thank you HG I will look for the other articles you’ve suggested , gotta admit reading your work whether blog or book is very satisfying , like eating your favorite desert lol
Good to know, thank you.
I need to ask you , I know I have changed since the discard , family and friends have told me I have changed … I am no longer I touch with my feelings , I don’t want to discuss how I feel any longer , I find myself more closer to your mind frame then my old ….. is there a chance that my ex sociopath could have changed me to him or traits of him? This is what I wonder since the discard a little over a year ago …
No. It is possible you may end up acting in a similar way but this is a defence mechanism to help you deal with him. What you describe is more akin to the numbing and shell-shocked outcome of sustained abuse that moves towards the realms of PTSD.
Yes I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD since …. as I’ve mentioned before , it’s been a year and 4 months since he discarded me , don’t feel anything like myself … when will I or will I ever feel normal again , whatever that means…
@mlclarece: Thank you so much! I wrote a longer comment in response to you but it seems that HG did not let it upload – why not, HG?
I have yet to read it Alice. I have a few longer comments to review.
No problem, I was just wondering if… mhmm, nevermind! 😉
Please feel free to erase the typos and spelling mistakes before upload ing it (this permission extends to all of my comments by the way, since you are much more capable with the beautiful English language:-))
This post hit home hard for me. This is the dance I’ve been dancing with my narc husband for 30 years. I always had so many other things on my plate I simply did not have the energy to fight off the gravitational pull. It was difficult to raise our children in that environment. I had to do a lot of shielding to protect them from the abuse.
A year ago I moved in with my parents to help get them moved into assisted living as my father’s health was declining rapidly and my mom needed my help. My narc husband was furious that I was helping them because it meant he lost his supply. Living apart from him helped me gain my strength. He has been using emotional neglect with an occasional nice gesture to gain his sense of power over me. Little did he know he was just giving me strength to break free.
However, he has just engaged in the most cruel thing he could possibly try. My father is dying. He knows this and is attempting to use it to his advantage. He is going back and forth between being mean and extra sweet. I have as little contact as possible but still need to have short conversations with him while waiting for our house sale to close. His tractor beam is on with full force and he is hoovering to the nth degree. Ugh. Really? My father has two weeks of life left and you choose to abuse me emotionally?! Nail in the coffin for me. Take your Death Star to a different Galaxy……..
@mlaclarece: Thank you so much for your reply. It feels reassuring and validating to know someone is out there on the other side of the globe, experiencing the same things and working through the same issues! 🌞 I too can very much relate to the things you are expressing on this blog here, and I am reading all of your comments:-)
I think I already noticed and followed your comments on Carrie R.’s blog… have you been present over there as well?
Well, as to the “sparkling eyes and the killer smile”, and the helplessness and overwhelming attraction felt in their presence – yep; been there, done that;-)
Strangely enough, the N formerly in my life wasn’t even *that* attractive according to common standards. There are much better-looking men out there. And younger ones: he’s almost 60. But there is something about him that makes him almost irresistible to me. I’ve never experienced anything like that before- and I’m in my 40ies!
If I were to be brutally honest and put a ‘label’ on what it is that creates this ‘primal pull’, I’d say that it’s because…
… he’s edgy;
… he has no morals and therefore the guts to go ALL THE WAY (in and out of the bedroom);
… he is intellectually refined, socially skilled, highly educated and versatile;
… he has a great sense of humour;
… as much as he is complicated when it comes to committment issues, he is a wonderful companian when it comes to doing uncomitted, ‘in-the-here-and-now-stuff’;
– he is adventurous and daring, he is quite brave and fearless when he has to deal with risky situations (he was a war and crisis reporter and lately covered the Brussels attacks on air 24/7, and I have to say he did a great job!) So I always felt safe in his presence regarding outer danger (but emotionally unsafe inside of our relationship!);
… he has that amoral/perverted/ transgressive side that allows him to break down certain societal walls, step over certain boundaries with that special drive – that one got me every time, he just tore apart my defence mechanisms and protection walls and unraveled my inner-most desires, thoughts and impulses;
– he is cold-blooded when push comes to shove;
– he is fairly dominant and yet sensitive, which allowed me to fully delve into polarity and to explore all aspects of my femininity;
… he knew how to keep me off-balance and how to activate ‘the mixture’- I loved and cravef that as much as I hated and struggled with that, OMG!
… he knew how to ‘put me on that roller-coaster ride’: sometimes happy, sometimes sad – you can’t fully feel electric heat when you have never felt dark, icy cold, right?
… he knew how to interchange from a combination of sensual softness and vulnerabilty (real or faked, who knows for sure?) to assertive control to burning rage to stone-hearted coldness and discard;
… in short: he f***ing knew how to dance THAT DANCE with me.
Now, I know that sounds pretty sick, addicted and trauma-bonded! That’s because I obviously still AM pretty sick, addicted and trauma-bonded, even if I have managed to not meet him and to ignore 9/10 hoovers since January 2015!
But it has cost me dear and sometimes, I still wonder if all that resistance is right and helpful. “What we resist, persist.” Right or wrong?
My new approach is trying to totally give up resistance and hand everything over to a Higher Power/Universe. One day, things will fall into place. I just try to stay on track an do what feels right, which doesn’t mean following all my primal Urgeschichte, rather trusting my gut feeling. Sometimes, the best decision is not to decide anything *right now.* So I just let it be and observe my urges, but I do my best to not absorb them or to act out on auto-pilote mode. I know that while I do feel these very strong, primal urges and there are therefore very present and disturbing, I am not my urges!
[Repeat to self: I am not my urges!]
When I sit with my pain and urges long enough, and acknowledge them, a shift happens and their disappear. At least for some time! This is usual lying followed by a period of peace and quiet. Which feels really good – what a relief:-)
So over the last 1.5 years, the urges (to contact him, connect with him, because with him, see him, talk with him, touch him…) have lessened and decreased in intensity. The periods of peace and quiet – freedom, really! – have gotten longer and more sustainable.
So I guess this is the road to follow – keep keeping on – Moving Forward:-)) 🌸
Hello to my fellow Sick, Addicted, Trauma Bonded Friend! I am sorry for the delayed response. There was so much thoughtful material you wrote and I wanted to give you a substantial response.
As I read your bullet point list of all the traits and qualities that drew you to your Narc in such detail, I was thinking, “wow, he has completely imprinted her head, heart and soul.” The details I remember too leave me dumbfounded as I sometimes forget things about my ex-husband of 17 years (or rather the memories are becoming fuzzier as time progresses) but with JN, the clarity is still crystal clear. This is not a criticism of any kind!! I just recognize in myself so much of what your experience feels like for you too. It is like it has permeated every nucleus in every cell.
I actually am not following any other blogs. I am not familiar with Carrie R. (?) Between work, raising my daughter and keeping up with H.G. in training to be a warrior princess for dealing with JN should he hoover in the future, I try to fill any other spare time with a real social life with my friends so I do not become a total recluse. lol
Have you ever heard of this Chinese Proverb:
“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” Some say this is our destiny from birth on who we may marry or who will become the great love(s) of our life.
Sometimes I am still completely flabbergasted at the life events that had to have fallen in place for the fateful day in October 2012 when we laid eyes on each other. Or rather when he laid eyes on me and chose me. Not only that, but then to follow thru on that course and have the timing be that almost a year ago in July 2015, when he pulled his worst, most hurtful stunt ever with me, that a few weeks later I discovered this blog almost on the very first day H.G. started it.
There is some kind of energy force, red thread, sphere of influence, tractor beam, whatever that exists that makes this our destiny whether we wanted it to happen or not.
Thank you again for such a thoughtful post. I am always very humbled when others, including you reach out to me because you’re touched from something I wrote. That means a lot. I had never expected that to happen. Initially I had such tunnel vision because I was in a very depressed state trying to get understanding and really only ever expected H.G. to ever respond and still find myself surprised that I do get his interest enough to respond.
Enjoy your week! Hugs to you!!
“In the first film, A New Hope,” I have to admit, HG (may I call you HG?), you’re my kinda narc. I’m glad there’s an ocean between us, b/c between your “wicked” sense of humor and that music list, I’d be a goner. The added flare of geekdom just serves to prick up my ears.
P.S. Great post, as well. I just needed a breather after that first line to stop laughing at the irony.
You may call me HG by all means. I am glad you liked it but watch out, there are planes you know!
Do you hear what I hear? I am talkin’ bout way out way out – where political science meets space cowboy – all laser beamed and tractored out , oxidized metal , protecting of those circling satellites that-just -wont-stop-moving. The big eyes in the sky that pierce with ciphered messages, calling to ring a dingiling up up and away in my beautiful balloon. Come escape with me into the atmosphere where my omnipotence is the very gravity that fixes you static of my need, to escape and be condemned to colonization, far, far away in a land outside myself, to which of course you are doomed to a life of the self destroyer – paranoia.
The voice of this post is laden with the grand symphony of paranoia, one of the key aspects of malignant narcissism. We need to widen our eyes and become attuned to the truer meanings of what is being said and further into how it is being said.
This is the voice of malignant narcissisms paranoia and detachment from a healthy reality, by where he must travel outwards of himself in order to feel in control with his perceived omnipotence.
Deep rooted fear is likely to have taken you over; having endured the infliction of abuse. Your power is inside of you, it may feel faint – and may even hurt to consider that you have it. Empowerment is safety; empowerment picks you up off the floor, stands you upright and carries you out the door. This author is sharing with you his truth in his belief of his ever- lasting omnipotence, your empowerment however, will tell you otherwise. You are not doomed to a life of fear, nor paralysed in your ability to go no contact, for fear that even if you escape will you never be free. One can work towards and attain passive memories of the experience. The giving of empathy towards oneself is the source of the empowerment.
HI F&R
Very interesting. Would have never seen it as paranoia but rather empowerment… So its fear of lossing power you mean?
Hope you are doing well 🌷
Hello Nikita. Hope this finds you well and enjoying some sun! No. I am drawing out what is underneath the words of the authors post to show its basis in paranoia, and further into how the paranoia creates his perspective and in turn deeply affects victims.
Hello F&R
Thanks for the wishes but here it only rains.
Thankyou very much. Its interesting to see it from another perspective.
Be well F&R 😃🌷
You are welcome.
Mouth agape! Your words feed the cells of my soul! Thank you!
Hello Bethany. I do hope that you are enjoying some sun today! I am truly humbled by your words. Keep moving!
Very well said! I wish I was already past that point of “paralyzed in my ability to go no contact”! I am still unablässig to simply not care at all. It’s getting better and the emotional charge decreases, but it’s still there deep inside of me, lurking…
And then, there is still physical attraction. No matter how much I learn about narcissism and what he really is (and isn’t), and no matter how far away I get (we live in different countries), I still feel that physical ‘pull’ when he is hoovering. I hate it, it’s so ‘primal’… I know exactly that there’s no way anything could ever works out again with him and I also know that I have to totally cut ties spiritually and emotionally, but there are moments when I can’t help falling back into old, addictive patterns. Survival mode.
I am able to snap out of it however, so I guess that’s already an improvement;-)
Alice, every time you write something, I read your words and I relate and recognize all your thoughts. In a word, “primal” sums up the dynamic with attraction I felt at least on my side with my Narc. No matter how repulsed I am now by his actions and agenda, if I laid eyes on him again, that face with sparkling blue eyes and killer smile, I would be in primal survival mode for sure.
Hello Alice. I hope this finds you well. Yes, the surfacing of the primal instincts , it is a complex concoction, and in part shows us that whatever may be going on in the mind is then show in the body. This can be a challenging space to be in when healing, as we are left to be detectives of our being once we have escaped the grips of abuse. I say this as there is a collage of blurred lines that come into play when we look at erotic connection within an abusive or healthy relationship. There are so many complexities involved in how we are drawn to another person. It can be excruciating when we shame ourselves for our primal experiences in that, it can be terrifying to consider that we can have an erotic connection with our abuser. The work is in being the detective into bringing awareness into our own meanings of our drives, how we have constructed those and how those also evolve with our maturing into our self awareness and growth. Having an attraction or even a fuller experience of an erotic connection, which is more of an awareness into the many energies involved in empowerment ( pleasure, creativity, release, spiritual movement, intimacy ect ect ect) does not mean that a healthy relationship is possible, as this is only a component of the complexities of relationship.
TOUJOURS
When you take your hand and cradle my neck
You will feel my hips relax
My thighs part and we are face to face
Heart to heart
Soul to soul
I will whisper to you
Let us not be fooled by this
Let us be guided of this
-Copywrited material 2015
We can let ourselves of the hook and release the guilt associated with our natural primal instincts and drives as just that – an awareness that we own of ourselves.
I commend you on your expression and your strength.
I hear this and relate. “Primal” however puts a seductive and alluring cover over what my therapist calls a disregulated arousal template.
A sexual pull toward an abuser often has its roots in earlier childhood exploitation.
That kinda feels like a cold shower doesn’t it?
Wow, your metaphorical Star Wars analogy truly fits and does make a great read!
I think about this., could I be sucked into his sphere …or any N’s sphere ever again?
Is there curiosity? Sure. Do I have any desire whatsoever to sign up for the game?
No. Way. Why would I subject my heart and soul to a game? There does creep in my mind occasionally justifications…oh, lighten up…it’s not that big of a deal…you can handle him now…you’re over him…and even worse, my own little addiction to the game….BUT, for 2 years I have stayed NC. I have ignored hoovers and I have kept my feet on the ground as far as what he is, what I am and what NEVER was.
We ended on a psychological stalemate. I drew my line in the sand and he provided his brutal answer when he took off his mask and threw it across that line.
I simply cannot UNSEE it. Nor do I want to.
Beautiful Bethany, I commend you on seeing the sight of your own disappearance, mostly though, the courage of rising up in your return!
Hi Alexis,
Thanks for the compliment :-)…. ( blushed).
Yes 3Ns but its okay… I guess it was programmed to be like this.
I think differently from everybody here and similar to lucky otter. I dont think just because someone is an N, they should be cast aside or like somebody said. One ticket to hell.
They are humans and deserve also to have a happy life.
I hope Ross Rossemberg never reads this. LOL
I nearly missed this nikita, it didn’t come through as a reply. I think I possibly miss alit it messages.
I certainly don’t wish anything bad to happen to my N or any other N. And when I play him. We’re taking really basic stuff here. I would never do anything really nasty to anyone or even wish it. Not only is that not very nice it’s also too exhausting. But simple fun small wins …….. A different game xx
Hahaha Alexis. each has to find its own fun!
Its not all my fun, but since I “know ” on the blog… You have always told the thrill these sort of interactions give you.
I have watched all HD Tudors videos. My narcassist I met on line. We never met in person. I lived in another state.
. We were interacting for a year on and off in cyber space. He was also a scientologist. The emotional roller coaster I can’t begin to describe.
When he was with me every night together and texts through the day.
He pulled me in very close the last time.
He left again.
Iam now starting my steps to remove him from my life. He hoovered me back in around 4 or 5 times.
The mix of narcassist and being a scientologist made him even more manipulative. Yes I’m a empath and co dependent. Work in the Arts music so highly creative .
Yes a very hard time as I fully at last have come to terms with the fact that he is a narcassist.
Jane
So, are you Darth Vader or Anakin Skywalker?
I’m the force
Not the force of darkness. You are 🌔 With an own light. 💝
“e will continue to drift along, like that death star cruising through space as we take hold of fresh victims along our route and drag them towards us. Occasionally we will shift our path and make towards you once again. You remain in one place at your peril as we will approach you and once more seek to suck you in with our mighty tractor beam. We may plot a course which takes us to pastures new where we busy ourselves with fresh and shiny new victims who provide us with delicious and exciting fuel. This will occupy us but we will never forget about you. You will similarly never forget about us because of what we have done to you and the way we have conditioned you.”
WOW!!! This one is a masterpiece!
Would be interesting to know from the other reades how and if they managed to stay out of the sphere… 😃
Nikita, I went NC for two months. I wouldn’t have gone back either, but something came up and I felt ready to deal with it.
I needed that two months. The grand Hoover came, but I’d worked out what he was by then. So treated him like an addiction. Literally. As Id read that they’re like the human form of heroin.
For a while I wanted to succumb to his hoovers, but I kept reminding myself where it would end up and I never wanted to feel like that again ever.
I decided I never wanted anyone to have power over me, ever. It was hard, so hard but I got through it and now two years plus on I feel nothing, and find his hoovers positive or negative both amusing and endearing.
How about you ?
Wow! So he continues to consistently Hoover you even though it seems you are able to respond pretty emotionless and flat yielding no fuel? Good for you!!!
I think we have a misunderstanding clarence. Nobody is hoovering me!!
Nikita, no misunderstanding. My comment was in reply to Alexissmith2016.
Well not entirely emotionless, to some extent I invite the hoovers on, as I enjoy his frustration 😉He doesn’t know that I know what he is and I was never horrible to him. Always told him I liked him and he was a good person and that he would find someone better than me / more suited to him. So he’s never known he got to me. Thanks 🙂
Hi Alexis,
Good for you ! And you are funny. I find his hoovers amusing and endearing. hahaha.
I would not find a negative hoover amusing and a positive one neither if I dont want to have contact to the person. Anyway.
As for me. N1 and N2. I have sometimes contact with them. Very formal. Hello and maybe a little chat thats all. N1 is my ex-husband and father of my kids so about the kids I need to have contact with him.
No hoovers there. they would not waste their energies in something that has below zero chances :-). Dead fuel there.
N3 = No contact. He can be extremely mean.
thats it 🙂
The negatives, well this is something that would have bothered me two years ago and the positives to some extent as I would have felt ‘the pull’ but I don’t anymore and yes even he negatives I enjoy, they just make me laugh because I know he can’t understand how anyone could resist him. And I find it quite sweet that he keeps trying. But I never forget what he is and what he is capable of. But I do still need HG to keep reminding me as it’s easy to forget as time passes he reality of how they can really make you feel.
I feel for you Nikita, 3 Ns !! Goodness I think you’re a wonderful person !! I could by do that. Just not strong enough to ensure again.
It is difficult. The force keeps pulling in.
So entertaining to read it like that. This is like the buzz subject in all recover from narcissistic forums and youtube videos. You adress it in a different from. You tell how it happens, the others why its so difficult to stay away, the biochemical change in the brain. Its an excellent posting. !!!
At the end some will manage it and some will not.
Look forward to read more and more ☀️☀️ All so great.
Enjoy the day 😘😘
Yay. This is the (droid) post I’ve been looking for…thank you for the post HG. After years of NC he texted me about a sport person who died. I had a sick feeling and waited a couple of days to respond because i felt sick prickly gross. His response was that he didn’t know why he bothered. I responded with an icy, “don’t bother if it is one.” Then, three years later I reached out to him to tell him bil died. Felt the same sick gross feeling as in, “what did i just do?” It potentially can never end. I’m staying out of the trajectory. Thank you again.
‘…..it may be in a weeks time, a year or 10….’
Try 17 years!! …..and yes the reunion is extra super sweet for you N’s. Did you know it’s as equally sweet and thrilling for us too, babe? At least it is in the beginning…….💋❤️
Dammit H.G.! When you give the whole Star Wars spin on it, I just wanna play Kylo and Rey and fight you with a light sabre!!
Ha ha
I was remiss to not add this was on point and one of your best blogs. While the actual message that the dance between the two can always be resurrected, by incorporating the beloved Star Wars analogy you make it as seductive and appealing as when we’re swept up in the golden period. Sure, why not? I’ll venture near that sphere again…
Thank you and well put.
My mother isn’t a sphere of influence…she’s a goddamn planet with her own gravitational pull. I hate her, I want to escape, I admit I fantasize about murdering her, & YET I’ve become a slightly smaller planet with my own gravitational pull. The difference is I’m in therapy & I’m learning how not to be a carbon copy of her…have I completely stopped being a narcissist? NO, I’ll admit there are times when either my mother or one of my sisters pushes my buttons (or if I get really lucky, the three of them work together to push my buttons) & everything I’ve learned in therapy goes out a window, I revert to full out malignant narcissist mode. Very hard to say “I’m in therapy & I’ve become better than you,” to my mother an hour after I spewed volcanic venom at her, so I’m trying not to have those moments where I revert to pure malignant narcissist mode.
That is the attitude 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
With therapy, soul healing you will let go of the anger and mapignancy will be just a blurry memory 🌷🌷🌷