Why Has He Gone Back?
Think back to that glorious time when you were courted by the narcissist who ensnared you. Amidst the delight and excitement of that powerful and dizzying seduction there is a good chance that mention was made of his or her ex. That person was the devil incarnate weren’t they? They were an abuser, a drunk, an addict, a gold-digger, a gambler, never worked, a sponger, never helped around the house, never helped with the children, bad-tempered, unsociable, awkward, played video games all day and so on. No doubt your narcissist’s ex was one or more of those things. They were smeared to you from the off.
“He is just plain evil.”
“She is utterly batshit crazy.”
“You won’t want to meet her; she is a fruit loop.”
“He is violent and nasty. Charming on the outside but horrible on the inside.”
A hundred different ways to ensure that you thought ill of the predecessor ex and more highly of us. Praise for having broken free, sympathy for what we endured, encouragement for being with you. The fuel flowed as we recounted tale after tale of terrible treatment. All of this was told after we had jettisoned this person as we embedded you into our world.
It may even have been the case that you commenced an affair with us. We admitted we were married, lived with somebody or in a relationship but a combination of our charismatic magnetism and the tales of woe about how our partner was horrible and abusive meant that you saw somebody wonderful in need of your love and you felt no real concerns at interfering in our relationship. After all, how many times did we tell you that we never had sex with them anymore, that we did not even share a bed, how we were only together for the sake of the children and a hundred other reasons that are given to entice you and reassure you that it is you we want. We may well have even left our partner to be with you. You triumphed. Good overcame evil as you ensured that we had the support, courage and determination to escape their horrible treatment of us. You had us to yourself and the golden period could truly commence.
Sometime later, it might be weeks, it could be months and possibly even years, something strange happened.
We went back.
You were unceremoniously dropped and we returned to the arms of the ex-partner once again. How could this be so? How could we return to someone so horrible, so abusive, so evil? How could we go back to this person about whom we told you so many stories of their abusive behaviour and ugly character? How could we return after you rescued us from them? How could we do this after everything you have done for us? Whereas the ex was horrible, you were delightful, the ex did not care, you never stopped caring and where the ex was cruel, you were wonderful. You helped us through the separation and you shielded us when the savage ex came after us, blaming you for breaking a happy (ha!) marriage up. You heard their protestations that you turned their partner’s head, whispered lies about them so as to turn their partner against the ex. You remember how astonished you were at the time that someone would have the audacity to behave in such an abusive manner and then accuse you of doing the things that they engaged in. This ex was just as we described wasn’t she? Manipulative, vicious and blaming everybody else but herself. Just as we had warned you, she behaved exactly to type. She even accused us of certain things but you did not believe them because we had already forewarned you that this was something she would do. Try to make you think that we were the abusive one in order to deflect attention from what she was really like. How on earth could we go back to this liar, this cheat, this abuser, this evil and horrible person? It just made no sense.
In some instances, you received no answer. Our number had changed. We moved back in with this person at a place you don’t know. We blocked you on social media, those friends you thought you had made in our circles shunned you or just told you to accept that these things happen and to move on. But you cannot. You cannot fathom out why someone could do this. Firstly, why return to an abuser? Secondly, why drop someone wonderful like you who we had professed a real and perfect love for? Nothing made sense anymore.
You might have been able to confront us to try and find out why on earth we have behaved in this way. You may have been given a sole opportunity to state your case and to find out why we have done this and left you devastated. You will have been told things such as: –
“I knew that I really did love them. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
You will have argued against these comments. You will have tried to persuade us in order to get us back again. No doubt you said things to each of the above comments, like these: –
“You don’t love her. How can you love someone who has abused you for such a long time? You have done the hard bit, getting away from her. You cannot go back.”
“She won’t change. Why would she? You said it yourself she has promised this before and nothing has happened.”
“If you did the right thing for your children you would not expose them to such a toxic atmosphere as the one you described between you and her.”
“She as you under complete control. You don’t know anything other than her abusive ways and you have accepted them. You don’t have to do that. I can help you.”
Your desperate and well-intentioned pleas and reasoning failed. The reason why is because when we said each of the comments above, this is what we really meant.
“I knew that I really did love her. You helped me realise that and for that you have my gratitude.”
“You weren’t the fuel I thought you would be and I realised the fuel I would get from going back and hoovering my ex and seeking another chance would outweigh what you were giving me and it worked. But don’t worry. I am not going to get rid of you just yet. I have organised a wonderful triangulation for me, you and her that will carry on through the reconciliation. It will be like we are having an affair (having an affair again). How exciting. How fuel-laden”
“She promised to change and I thought she deserved that chance.”
“I promised to change. That hoovered her back in. It always does and she felt for it and that fuel is better than yours.”
“I did it for the sake of the children rather than my own happiness.”
“I saw some cracks in the façade and realised that people actually might turn against me. I need that façade so I have to sacrifice you instead. You won’t realise this but I have told her, our families and friends that you are a stalker and you were trying to blackmail me. They understand. The façade is intact. You are expendable.”
“We had been together for twenty years. I realised I could not do that to her.”
“I know her inside out and I know that no matter how many times I do this she will always take me back and give me powerful hoover fuel. I know I told you that you were the only one I have left her for. That wasn’t true. You are nothing special. I have done it many times before and I will do it again. I might do it again with you if you are foolish enough to give me another chance. It is all good fuel.”
If you are reeling from the stunning revelation that we have returned to the ex that was labelled as horrible and abusive. If you are unable to comprehend why we would do this, I understand. I understand that it truly makes no sense when looked at from your perspective. The reality is however they were never abusive. I am the abuser. I used you as I used my partner in order to get fuel. I projected my behaviours onto them and you lapped it all up, giving me positive fuel and negative fuel from her as I triangulated you with her. I may not have gone back, but the quality of the hoover fuel and the ease by which I can achieve it makes it irresistible. I will come back to you again and you will let me because you have tasted the golden period. You still believe she is the bitch and the two of you will fight over me blaming one another rather than realise that I am to the blame. I planned it. I orchestrated it. I am the puppet master.
19 thoughts on “Why Has He Gone Back?”
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HG
Does the fact that I am the only one he has ever been engaged to make me more likely to enter his 6th sphere of influence or am I just another appliance like the rest of them?
The fact of your engagement could result in more Hoover Triggers, for example if he looked on pictures of the engagement party or if someone mentions rings, engagement, wedding proposals etc then those create a greater risk of a Hoover Trigger than if you were not engaged. You still remain an appliance like all the others however.
HG: So hmmm can a narc ever get his heart broken?????
Have to have a heart to have it broken.
But wait! So just to be clear…. Are you saying that a narc can not feel love under any circumstances. So one can’t love his/her mom, dad, children NOBODY…… ?
Not in the way that you understand love to be, no.
I got she tried to kill herself and I can’t leave her. She is a yipping dog and a control freak. You are so calm and she is so bitchy… So here I am licking my wounds realizing he will probley cheat on her again.. Not my problem anymore.
By the way, the most recently hoover of the N formerly in my life seems to be over for now and I am so glad and proud of myself that I did not succomb, did not become delusional and most of all did not provide him with even a drop of fuel! That’s obviously a major improvement!! 🙄
I am 100% convinced that he has new primary supply in place and probably a couple of secondary supply/exes lined up. Obviously, he attempted to hoover me from a place of “strength” (according to his own warped reality). What he didn’t get though is that he can’t fool nor control me any more. I may still struggle or feel triggered sometimes, but I know for sure that this is because of my own childhood wounds that I have not yet fully dealt with and overcome. So it’s not even about him, but only about myself!
In fact, it’s mostly not (only) about them but about ourselves. Their behaviour and the effect it has on us allows us to become aware of our own issues, to uplevel and heal and ‘outgrow’ being a vibrational match to them. Therein lies a great opportunity! That’s why Melanie Tonia Evans calles them “Angels In Disguise” = AIDS. While I don’t agree with the term “Angel” in that context, I do adhere to the concept behind that (#soul contract). Maybe the term “Messenger in Disguise” is more appropriate and less triggering for us target.
When I decided to leave the N, I told him that he’d been “just a messenger”. He hated that. He even said “I hate it that You think that I am just a messenger and that it could’ve been anyone similar to my type!”
Well, that was 1.5 years ago and I’d just started to put the pieces together and had just come across the notion of narcissism for the very first time in my life. But my guts had already uncovered what it was all about, even if I had no structured understanding of the toxic dance back then!
Right on, Clarece.
No matter how much HG I read, including a post like this which I can relate to way too well, I still continue to play right into it. My need for the ego boost of the hoover outweighs what I now know to be true: I’m not special. I’m just one of many. And I just can’t shake the feeling of “losing” to the ex. SHE got the wedding, SHE got the kid.
I hope to God for the kid’s sake he turns out like her, but he’s already showing a lot of signs (at least from what G tells me – I have not yet been allowed to meet the Devil’s spawn) of being a NIT (narc in training).
Cody – so you know ‘she’ won nothing at all. When they marry, they are even WORSE – if you thought they claimed you as a possession while UNMARRIED imagine what marriage will do? My parents are Cod/NPD and Ill tell you this…Children are NOT EXEMPT from cruel treatment. The NPD will talk about his children and smear them just the same. They are cruel, malicious, and abusive to everyone in the household. So…please never wonder. It took 40 yrs for me to accept my upbringing. I lived in denial (though I knew he was cruel – I can now give him a label) I was afraid of him for the latter part of childhood into young adulthood – he discarded us (entire family) when he found new supply. Had a new family. Came back over time telling us sob stories over how she left and took him to court for stalking (lol – how Narc-ish) and hes utterly ALONE. His children – not one of his tribe – likes him, engages in convo anymore, nor wants to see him. He has 6 of use from three women.
They are truly digusting parents. Appalling, insulting, viscious, MEAN-SPIRITED, and just – evil. so……you got off the hook. If you are married to one, they change too….unless hes doing it for superficial looks (shes a Barbie and hes Donald Trump situation)
🙂 Be happy though I know it hurts. You hurt bc your brain has been literally traumatized and you need some peace to regulate yourself back to normal. Good luck. and eff him and the horse he rode in on 🙂
It’s for the fuel, is it? It’s not that you just crave something familiar & comfortable…that would be too human, wouldn’t it.
Where familiarity is embraced by us is in the comfort of knowing we are familiar with how to get fuel from the person we return to. We get the hoover fuel. We know what their golden period looks like, so we will reinstate that with ease and drink of more fuel. We also know which buttons to press to devalue you again and so we do and the fuel flows. Often people do not learn the lesson first time, second time or even a third time so we can keep going back and do the same things, thus conserving energy but getting fuel all the same.
I know you have said we become addicted to you and you are addicted to the power you feel especially getting Hoover fuel. Is there any form of feeling “addicted” to a certain individual with the dynamic of how she gave / you extracted fuel from?
At this stage in the game, you have quite the assortment of past girlfriends you could resurface with for a quick fuel fix. You could go back in the archives and reach out to someone whose cherry you popped at the University and tell her you never forgot that and probably get some positive fuel.
I know you say someone has to blip on your radar somehow to recall them, but are there a few you keep tabs on because if enough time has passed and with their dynamic you would relish a chance to engage again?
Also, if your primary fuel source is growing stale and you’re itching for a new flavor of ice cream, so to speak, which do you choose to focus on? A new source you’ve been cultivating that you’re interested in? Or a past girlfriend to hoover? For this question, can’t be both. Pick one or the other. Which would thrill you more?
No because I regard the current primary source as always better than those before. In the same way I know in your world you may tell your current partner they are the best partner you’ve had (even though they may not be but they are the current one) because you don’t want to hurt that person’s feelings and also you may tell yourself this in order to feel happier. I might consider that someone was a spectacular supply compared to another but I would never want to openly admit that I made a wrong choice, indeed if the new source doesn’t turn out to be as effective it is their fault not mine.
I do keep tabs on certain former primary sources in readiness of gaining some delicious hoover fuel. I just await the opening. I would engage again primarily for the hoover fuel and possibly also if there was further punishment to dole out.
If the current primary source is growing stale I would choose either a new prospect that is being cultivated or a former source through a hoover. Which would be selected would depend on the anticipated fuel provided against the energy that had to be expended to acquire it. I may even choose both, why cant I have both? I don’t like to be told I cannot have both or all.
This is why it is so good for me to check in for daily affirmations. I keep forgetting that hoovers are a chance for you to dole out punishment for past wounds. The rug will always be ripped out from underneath. My default mindset is to still think there is some kind of positive bond that is established (although not love) to cause you to continually return. I still do a double take whenever you write something along those lines.
As far as your last 2 questions, it made me giggle because I know your choice is to choose pursuing both a new source and past primary simultaneously. But since one of my new favorite past times is to banter with you, it was to get you to play along. Which you did, H.G. How very thoughtful!
You know me, I am naturally thoughtful
Cara I think they are very much into the comfort of the ones they return to….I think in their minds, and if they were good at what they did, and tamed each victim enough to blind her, but give excuses they imagine time is a non-factor. They are shameless. But Its a mix of comfort/familiarity in already knowing each other…but ultimately I THINK (my theory) is that NPDs have NO CONCEPT of time..so they believe somehow that all should be forgotten, as he did in 30 mins after leaving you….so they dont mind trying their hand… Its all about attention for them..fuel. supply. ego gratification. a human to listen to him speak about himself….Its nothing about us – we are interchangeable. Like tires. Hell rotate us every season if he could have his way. And for many of us, he has…and thats how we found this site… 🙁 Sighhhh
Huh, maybe I should collect a few more Narcs and rotate them like tires for continual, never-ending golden periods…wouldn’t that be fabulous?
How heavy and devastating. 😢😢😢 OMG. Cant comment forward on this posting as I dont want this to happen to me nor anybody. And I think yes. When somebody returns to the “abusive ex” and there are NO children in between its most probable because they were the abuser. But children chamge the story.
I can tell the same situation with N2. He himself told me this story -of course being the victim- how when his kids were small he felt suffocated and left his wife for an affair he had at the office. Because his wife was controlling, boring and only had expectations on him. In the meantime his ex wife had a boyfriend. 2 years after seems the fuel of the affair was not enough and he left the affair back to his wife, who left her boyfriend and back to N2.
We could think end of the story and happily ever after. No.
4 years after they divorced in between huge fights. Wife went back to the boyfriend and N2 went into a very toxic relationship with a narcissitic woman. She hated his kids, expected money from him, had hit him.. He did proove as the kids then later told me.
So the horrible story continues.
When N2 met me, he was still with this woman and said nothing. Somewhen he must have discarded her and like 6 moths after I was with him I receiced and angry and insulting mail telling me I had stolen her man. I answered you must be confusing me. My boyfriend was single at the time I met him. Then she came up with names and events, that I had to realize she was telling the truth. I confronted him and crocodile tears convinced me poor guy.
I should have run at that moment.. This blog should have existed 😜.
End of the story:
The exwife of N2 is not together anymore with the man she left N2 for.
N2 after me, tried to go back to all his exes and nobody took him so he is since 5 years together with the one who used to be his best friend.
The narcisssitc ex of N2 went back to her exhusband and I dont know more.
And me……😃😃😃…. ??? Tbc 😂😂😂