Where Has He Gone?
The relationship had hit a rocky patch, albeit describing it as such would actually understate the manner in which our relationship has progressed as of late. It would be more accurate to describe it as a series of peaks and troughs. The devaluation began and the unpleasant behaviour has worsened. There have been peaks when we granted you respite from the denigration and abuse, the brief reinstatement of the golden period, before you were plunged once again into another trough of bewildering and upsetting treatment. Each descent seemed steeper and harsher than the preceding one. You hung in there, clinging on to the prospect of another glimpse of the golden period. Perhaps this time you would be able to hold onto it? After all, you must be doing something correctly mustn’t you if you can get the golden period to return? If only you could work out what was necessary to cause it to return and then for it to remain, then everything would be wonderful again. It is this eternal hope, which we rely on and that we stoke, which causes you to hold on even whilst you are being spun around, pushed and pulled and driven to despair.
This tumultuous period has persisted and then suddenly we have gone. We did not return when you expected us. The repeated telephone calls you have made have resulted in a ringtone but nobody answers. You have left repeated voicemail messages and you have sent numerous text messages, each with mounting desperation, begging and pleading for us to get in touch. You have called friends who have not been unable to assist in locating us. You even called the local police and hospital to ascertain if we had been arrested or we were being treated following a fall or a road accident, but those enquiries have drawn a blank as well. You have checked our online presence and there is nothing that shows any activity there since we disappeared. Messages do not even show as read. There is no indicator of us being online for over twenty hours now. It is as if we have vanished from the face of the earth.
People may regard this as the discard. This moment when we just cease all contact with you and disappear. It certainly feels like you have been discarded. As the hours turn into days and you still have heard nothing, you feel like we have just gone elsewhere without caring about telling you, providing you with some kind of explanation or even being concerned about the effect this disappearing act has had on you. Although this sudden cessation by our kind has gained popular description as the discard, a more accurate way of describing it would be to call it the pause.
This is because although we have vanished and we give the appearance of having ended the relationship, in our minds it has not ended. I have mentioned before that from the moment you are engaged by us, you have accepted an unwritten contract that you will be bound to us, in some way, until one of us dies. The nature of this binding, this connection will vary dependent on the various stages of the relationship. During seduction we will have many tendrils wrapped around you as we bind you tight to us and this continues during the golden period. The tendrils will unravel and then tighten again during the devaluation stage and then nearly all will release you when the “discard” occurs. You may not see us, you may not hear from us, you may have no contact at all with us, but in our mind there still remains some tendrils between us. A handful may still remain for the purpose of gathering fuel. Even though we cannot see your desperation and your despair, we know that this is what you will be experiencing and this provides us with fuel. Accordingly, there remains an intangible connection between us still. Even when those fuel tendrils loosen, it remains the case that there will be at least one left which will remain for however long is necessary before more tendrils come looking for you again as we unpause the hiatus and hoover you.
Accordingly, it may appear that we have discarded you but that is not actually the case. We have pressed pause so that we can halt that relationship. At some point we will return and press play again. You may have moved on in terms of your life, trying to heal and to piece things together again. We regard the relationship just as it was before we disappeared. That is why we often behave like nothing has happened. When we do re-appear we display an astonishing tendency to carry on as normal, as if the hiatus of months, maybe even years, did not actual happen. This is because from our perspective there has been no hiatus. We paused our dealings with you and now they can continue. Whatever else has gone on in between is irrelevant and does not need to be discussed. This capacity to behave in such a manner leaves you bewildered and amazed but this is entirely how we regard matters when we do such a disappearing act. All we have done is press pause and you are expected to be ready and waiting for when we come back and press play again.
So where do we go when this happens? The simple answer is that something shinier, brighter and more interesting has gained our attention. Just like how a child can be playing with building bricks and then when a toy with noises and flashing lights is waved under his or her nose, the child wants the new toy and immediately forgets about the reliable building bricks, we are the same. We will have been cultivating and courting this new toy and when we deem that it is superior to you we want to play with it all the time. We do not want to play with you anymore. When we seduced you, we made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered and you were the centre of our universe. This is now happening with your replacement. This more effective appliance has been chosen over you and in order to ensure that the seduction is totally effective and the fuel is obtained in huge amounts all attention must be focused on the new arrival. We will have moved between the two of you for a period of time (although you may not know this was happening) as we evaluated the prospects of the positive fuel from them against the continuing negative fuel from you. We enjoy receiving both but then the decision is made that the positive is going to be in copious amounts and therefore we switch to wanting this all the time and you are forgotten about, although not forever.
When this pause happens we will be concentrating on the new primary source of fuel that we have selected. The seduction had already begun. This is now the golden period for us and her. Just like the one you had. For this to continue the binding and the fuel provision all our efforts must be concentrated on her and not you. All resources are shifted to this front and you are forgotten about. It seems as if you never existed but we have not pressed stop. You do not get away that easily. We pressed pause so that you were shunted to one side so we could ensure that nothing got in the way of the coupling up with the new appliance. We will be taking them to places, whisking them away, spending lots of time at their house, just as we once did with you. That is where we have gone to. We have gone to someone else and have done it with the intensity and totality as we once did with you.
Do not despair however. We will be back to press play again. When might that be? You will be given no clue but the temptation of fresh hoover fuel will mean that pause becomes play, although it is more likely to feel like rewind to you as it all starts again.
27 thoughts on “Where Has He Gone?”
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I already knew what was going down and had been praying for them to move on to that new source so they would get out of my life. My birthday was the last time they showed up~ I declined their offer since I was aware that they were in transition and they finally made the switch. I was not expecting their return. Birthdays were a great excuse for them to reestablish contact with all of their other ex’s too.
Thank you HG.! I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog posts and becoming wiser/stronger at your font of wisdom. I have not read Black Hole or Smeared yet, but will do so promptly. I am very pleased to have found your blog 🙂
Regarding spheres of influence, unfortunately he knows where I live and work. And they won’t be changing soon. But I am vigilant everywhere else. I know I hold a “special” place in his heart (said sarcastically) because both times we have been together, I have managed to get the upper hand. I know he told his mother, he can never win with me.!! Before I knew what he was, I thought that was the oddest remark to make about someone you love. But now I understand….scores to settle and all that.
I think you will find this humorous…I had a dream the other night where my N called me. He said he had to see me because I owed him $10.34 for gas since he had driven me to the airport the week before. I woke up and thought what a strange dream. Then several hours later, it hit me straightaways and I broke out laughing.!! Gas = Fuel. Lol..
Anyway..thanks again HG. Looking forward to my enlightenment.!!
You are welcome, yes do read those publications and others, you will find them to be most helpful. You have a grasp on what has happened and what may come to pass so you can build your defences appropriately.
Yes your dream is rather on the money isn’t it? Thanks for reading and do continue to do so.
HG – I have recently started reading your blog. And I am very impressed and further enlightened. Especially after reading so many articles from a clinical or empath pov, it’s very refreshing to read from the N perspective. Thank you.!!
I dated my N in my 20s and managed to get away from him. We ended horribly.!! I purged him from my mind, moved, and forgot about him. I never even spoke about him to others. At that time, I did not know what he was, but I knew I had to forget him.
But he contacted me after 19 YEARS.!! 19.!! Of course, once I went back, it was as if a switch has been turned on inside my mind. Several events (calls/hang-ups/etc) during those 19 years I had been suspicious about but ignored were proven to be from him. Even though he had gotten married/divorced during that time, he had never let me go. Amazing, crazy, strange….
And so after 19 years, I went back because he was able to convince me that we had been young, he had been young, blah, blah. I had always been the one…more blah, blah. But now I know what he is and I have left him for good. Usually he trys to hoover me fairly quickly when I leave. But it’s been 3 1/2 months and not a peep from him. Well besides the endless viagra and penis enlargement spams I receive.
And now you’re telling me that he will never leave me alone..that it’s a pause.?! Deep sigh…honestly, I’m not sure how to process this.? So I will forever have to be vigilant.??
Thank you for the different perspective. So much makes sense now.
Hello Chriose, thank you for your post and you kind words. Yes there is a lot of material from a clinical and empathic or victim perspective but very little (for obvious reasons) from our side of the fence.
I am pleased you have related your experience to show and underline the point I make repeatedly about how, in terms of the Narcissistic Relationship, we never regard it as having ended and your example proves the point with a gap of 19 years.
Yes you will need to be vigilant but if you stay out of his spheres of influence and ensure that the opportunities for him to try to contact you (when you pop into his head from time to time) are non-existent or next to non-existent then you will reduce considerably the likelihood of him hovering you. Read Black Hole and also Smeared (if you have not done so already) as they will assist you in this stage you find yourself, along with of course No Contact.
Thank you HG. May the pause button be paused forever.
when someone is ghosting send them to the cemetery. Women need real men not ghosts
Hi there,
I am So super confused learning about all of this, yet I am really taking comfort that this is a “thing” and that I’m not just going insane. My on again off again “ex” does this bi weekly. It is the most confusing thing and I do believe after 11 years, and a 5 year old son, that I have slight PTSD from this. 3 years ago, I tried to be strong and move out; only to have him at my house 2-3 times a week, but I’m not allowed at his. He comes back professing undying love (Though I know it is only mere lust) and pledges to make it up (still waiting). He also has a chemical dependency, so I am not sure where the addiction and the NPD boundary is, or the overlap of both; I’m confused as hell. I want my son to have a family but I am afraid I might end up in an institution at some point. I’ve also been kept VERY financially dependent so I am scared in many ways. And even posting this, I feel Ashamed and weak. Yuck. Please help.
Hello Kathryn, the first question is what do you want to achieve? Do you want to try and have as stable a relationship as you can with the ex? Would you rather he remained an ex but understand there will be some contact owing to your son? Or do you want to escape his behaviour?
It has been over 2 yrs since contact. This doesn’t necessarily mean he is gone for good?
No, if you give him a chance to establish contact it will be taken.
“…for as long as we both shall live.”
The only vow left unbroken.
Haunting.
Just like a drug addiction HG . No matter how many times you get ” your fix” It will never stop you for another” high” .
I just realized something as I read this…During one of my discards I recall arguing with the XN saying he owed me money. We had an agreement for him to return X amount monthly….then soonafter we ‘made up’…then over the course of time, he brought his parents to my home for dinner, and his sisters around me, as well.
We remained together for about 10 months and then he discarded me again. I think this gave me a lightbulb moment. He hoovered me in order not to pay me back and brought witnesses to say we weren’t broken up. I now recall him posting a picture on FB of a chessboard and highlighting a pawn. Was he that horrid a man to put his hands on me, while hating me? Unreal.
Ewww. And we went on vacation and everything – could someone be that awful that they would remain in a ‘relationship’ to avoid paying money back? wow. IDK why this blog made me put this together BUT….it makes perfect sense….
HG – does this make sense and does that make him low level or high level? Seems malignant to me?
One of the reasons a victim is targeted is for their resources – emotional resources, time, accommodation, money and so forth. It is common that we would maintain a relationship for the purpose of obtaining money and avoiding repayment (so long as fuel was provided as well). I suspect he is at least Mid-Range in nature.
So twisted. When I read your book (it was great by the way) I wondered and went between the mid and elite, but because he wastes so much time using sex (obvious somatic) and his charm, its not possible for him to be Elite, however he is malign – I flip flop between that and the fact that Ive heard him say he’s wanted to make his ex commit suicide, and he would humiliate her into it. When I told him how insane and horrid he sounded he said that I ‘saved her life’….
His vindictive side was (and Im sure still is) nothing short of sadistic at times… But other times he was just silly funny etc…Jekyll and Hyde – simply twisted…
Thank you 🙂
You are welcome.
Thank you, it is through your posts and explanations that I got my “why he did this” and my closure that he never provided.
You are welcome Leanne.
But HG, if what you describe is a “pause”, not a discard, what is the difference?
The point I am making is that although the word “discard” has gained popular usage in terms of when we seemingly end the relationship and disappear, I regard it as a pause for the reasons outlined in the article. There is, to my mind, no such thing as a discard, we just pause and pick up again (if this can happen) at a later stage. if it doesn’t happened, you have pressed eject whilst matters were paused!
HG
This subject is off topic but one that comes up in therapy and I have a theory but interested in your thought,
Our kind is known to have a problem with sleep. It takes us often hours to fall asleep and staying asleep is another story. I also suffer horrible nightmares though I do not remember them, they average 3 a week.
After asking friends about how they fall asleep it seems they enter into that space in there bodies that is at peace. Nothing happens it’s still. I am unable to find my slumber place but I believe this is due to the fact I subconsciously fight to go to that slumber place because it often slides to my basement and then the nightmares begin.
So for me I am always at a state of not being able to relax. The only time you see me sit I am reading. I can’t watch tv.
Once I realized that the normal folks have a space that alowed them to unwind I wonder if our kind do as well and I just don’t don’t go to a place of stillness. If you have put any thought into our sleep patterns I would be interested in your view. do you have nightmares which would tell me there is a subconscious working. I hope this is not an inappropriate question. It’s nice for me to turn to someone similar to my makeup.
Hello SII, I fall asleep easily and unless I am thirsty or need the bathroom, I sleep without interruption. I do not dream or have nightmares or if I do I do not remember them. I wake ready for a day of fuel gathering. With regard to your sleep pattern, can you just clarify what you mean when you write “our kind is known to have a problem with sleep” what do you mean as “our kind”? Thank you.
Sorry HG. I will be more specific when I switch between NPD, BPD and if it’s a general cluster C grouping,
NPD don’t sleep well. However, I asked this because I am certain my relationship was with s Narc. He however was not easily relaxed enough to fall asleep. He explained this was PTSD. I have also read that you will intentionally keep your partner up all night for added fuel,
I am not sure that’s truthful as I would think falling asleep for you would be rather easy. there is not much to ponder and be sorry over threw the day? Is it even possible to suffer PTSD and any anxiety issues? maybe about making a due date at work your barley going to make. The nail biting kind.
I am actually Doing my own work. I want to know why I feel no emotion just like you but also carry more empathy then most. I hide it well as to not be taken advantage of. I can shed my need to fix people in my career as a nurse.
One more question. When you have succeeded in your love bombing and your smiling inside. You no what’s to come for your victim. Where do you feel this smile. In the center of your chest from the joy of winning or is your thoughts and fuel collecting reactions felt only in the mind/brain. I realize it’s on your face but do you feel that smile of conquire inside someplace other then it’s just fuel.
The Ns I know are sound sleepers, but I have come across people reporting that their N was a poor sleeper so it may be that there are other issues in with the NPD as well. I recall one commenter here many months ago explaining how she had to always rub her N as he was trying to get off to sleep until he fell asleep. If she stopped and he was awake still he would nudge her to continue and apparently this was the only way he could fall asleep. I did think however that this was just a device to keep her awake for longer. As you identify we do like to keep you awake for fuel and to exhaust you. Following seduction I feel power, it washes over me in an awesome way.
Amnesia insomnia sleep apnea
Hahahaha I had to honestly laugh when I read this. The writing is perfect as always. Spot on, perfectly written etc. But To the situatiok above I already pressed stop, the button with the square on top and even took out the cassete, Dvd or whatever and gave it to the second hand store.
Stop is stop.
Great posting HG 😘😘😘 and perfect timing to make me laugh because Monday afternoon is a stress.