Here He Comes Again
The hoover. A tried and trusted method of gaining fuel and exerting control over a victim once again. Whether they are benign or malign the hoover is an integral part of our repertoire. They are often part of a concerted action which is designed to break down your defences and suck you back in so we are able to exert control over you once again. Sometimes it is to con you into resuming the relationship again, sometimes it is purely to hurt you further and draw negative fuel. We may devise a particular scenario, use other people to effect the hoover by proxy and plan an effective way of establishing contact and then unleashing the hoover. For the hoover to be effective it must have two constituent parts: –
- A method of contact;
- A method of causing a reaction (positive or negative)
We may have devised a delightful scenario which will cause you to come running back to us oozing sympathy-based fuel but if we cannot establish contact with you it is pointless. This is why I often mention how it may seem that we have left you alone but all it is, is that we are waiting for a moment to establish contact so we can then cause the reaction. We are of course mindful that if you escaped us you have no doubt instigated no contact and that your defences remain high, you are on a state of alert and wary about what we are doing. Sometimes sheer force of the hoover and our magnetic personalities prove enough to surmount these defences but this can take time and in particular energy and as you know we prefer to conserve our energy. There is a particular hoover which I call the Seduction Shuffle. It is invariably a benign hoover and relies on you thinking we will do something and you are wrong-footed when we do not, only for us to then make our move.
The circumstances are such that we allow you to know that we are in the vicinity. This may be through somebody else. It might be by walking past where you live or work. We do not make any approach to you. We do not look towards where you might be watching us from, we do not reach out. All we do is want you to know that we are nearby and then we do nothing.
You have been expecting us to get in touch. When we first re-appear or you get news of us being nearby you will raise your defences again expecting an approach but then when it does not happen you are taken aback and confused. Why has he not tried to get in touch? He walked past your window the other day but did not even look towards you? He passed the office but acted as if he did not realise? Perhaps he is interested in me anymore? Why would that be the case? You almost feel insulted by the fact that we are back in town and have not looked you up. You wonder what is wrong and in that usual way of yours you start to question yourself. This failure to act when we show up leaves you somewhat bewildered, possibly relieved and your defences come down. Maybe we have moved on, perhaps we are no longer interested in you although you cannot help but want to know why this is. Your curiosity is piqued and you are torn between knowing you should stay away but also wanting to find out why we have not approached you. Is it the case that we are no longer interested? Could this really be true? You need to know. Part of you wants the confirmation that it is over, part of you wants to know why you are not good enough for us to approach again and your desire to know proves difficult to control. Words reaches you from a third party that they were talking to us, but no, we did not mention you or ask about you. This troubles you although you know you should not care, but you do. Admittedly, there may be some of you who will not react to this method but they are in the minority. The desire to achieve some kind of understanding as to what happened, some kind of closure, perhaps the chance to get a few things off your chest still churns inside of you. The fact we looked well has drawn your interest again, rekindling thoughts and feelings from that first seduction, but overall you want to know why the shark is swimming nearby again but has not come hunting for you. We know these thoughts will be going through your head. We know you saw us. We know that you showed disappointment when a member of our coterie said they had spoken to us and not mentioned you. Already you have begun to provide fuel to us and we are content to wait for that delicious hoover fuel. Hoover fuel is always enjoyable, whether relief, joy, loving or upset, it all empowers us but it is especially rewarding when you come into our sphere of influence again. With defences lowered as you think that you are abler to handle our machinations and manipulations now you decide that you want to find out what we are doing back, who we are with and most of all the reason why we have not been in touch with you. The temptation proves too great and after all, one text message or a telephone conversation cannot do any harm can it? Once we see that message from you or your name appears on the mobile ‘phone screen, or we don’t recognise the number but recognise your voice when we answer we can scent even more fuel. You have made the contact and this tells us that you have opened yourself up to provide us with the sought after reaction and this waiting game has once again proven successful. We can now strike and finish the hoover.
63 thoughts on “Here He Comes Again”
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I caved today. those 22 unread messages have been niggling me since I first accidentally discovered them 2 weeks ago. although his number has been blocked on my phone for over 5 months now, I didn’t realize that imessages can still get through and be read via computer. curiosity has always been my weakness. and so today, I peeked. benign hoovers as expected, but there seemed to be an interesting theme:
“I love you more than I love myself. I know that is unhealthy but it is true.”
“I love you truly, madly, deeply. More than I love myself, which I know is wrong, but such is the comfort I felt in your arms, in your presence.”
“I love you more than i love myself. Dangerous territory, but truth is truth.”
….
predictably, just like the way he regurgitates others’ talents and words, he took my last comments that is he is beyond self-absorbed and only loves himself and twisted them to try and emotionally rape me.
I was discarded . 10th december 2015 .
Just realised he came to my work 28th january 2016 and told me he met someone else and wanted nothing to do with me – was that a hoover ?
Of course i was btoken 😔
Yes it was, it was a malign hoover. He had no desire to resurrect the formal relationship. He wanted to extract negative fuel from you by hurting you and gloating that he had someone new so soon after discarding you.
Even on a self help blog, you are sweet talking mlaclarece. And she thinks you “know her”. My heart stirs just listening to the cadence of your compliments. It reminds me of him. Is there a playbook?
Sweet talking? Wait what? Oh my! We have way more exchanges of us bantering and pushing each other’s buttons. One reader suggested we’d be more fun to watch in a room than Hillary & Trump.
I genuinely dont think my ex hovers. He did contact my long ago ex turned life long friend on fb two weeks after he discarded me and then he contacted one of his ex roommates who is my friend but neither person responded or reacted to his random odd messages. Im sure Im blocked from his fb although I never check to avoid being hurt. Can you tell me what other forms of hovering I may be missing? If he is hovering whats the point when he left me. He knows Im not fully over it. Its been 4 yrs of this hell and he always returns right when Im sincerely forgetting the pain and moving on. But are there things I could be missing as far as hovering goes?
Hello Chanty, thank you for your message. Those attempts to get in touch with your friends would form part of the preparatory work for a hoover and it is useful that they responded in they way that they did. You are right not to check his FB page. Why would he hoover you when he left you? Simply, it is for the delicious hoover fuel which he will obtain. He will preoccupied with a new primary source at present but will come looking to hoover you at some point as you have seen happen before. In order to read and understand more about hoovering I recommend you read Black Hole which is available on Amazon, there is plenty of information in there to help you.
You always make me giggle when you call me a fireball. All 5’2 of me, I hardly think of myself that way. Lol
I wrote in the email how I’m feeling, but in a nutshell openly here….it’s bittersweet.
He changed me forever due to the intensity of our exchanges. You have changed me forever. I’m finally falling out of love with him or the illusion of him from that first year. But it saddens me. Not sure if I’ll ever be capable of such a pure, trusting love again or if I’ll only be resigned to enjoying someone’s company but keeping my heart in a vault. And I miss that girl who was so blindly trusting and accepting. Homeboy missed out on something special. One thing I have never felt thru all of this is foolish. Nobody should feel foolish for simply loving another. That is the beautiful part of our souls and construct. Time will tell what happens next…
I will get to the e-mail in due course Clarece, I have once again a backlog both there and on FB but I shall cut a swathe through it presently. Your sentiments are very much in line with the Aftermath Effects of an entanglement with us Exorcism, which should be available later this week all being well, will be right up your street on that issue.
Well yes, with your titian hair and Irish ancestry, incendiary temper and scorching comments you are a little fireball. It is entirely apt.
Lolll…oh to be the recipient of my scorching comments, what must that fuel feel like? Haha 🔥🔥🔥
I know you’ll get to the email. I know you enjoy seeing what comes out of him next as well as a blooming Narc. There are some pertinent questions though in moving forward.
As you always say though, you get me. You are the only one. You don’t judge my flames.
I have since a long time concluded that small people can be the angriest..and small men ( better not say) fortunately I was never involved with one… They become very very succesfull though. I am more than 1.80 with heels but I missed the angry fire.
I like to consider myself fun size!
Does that mean you can be consumed in one bite?
Don’t tease with biting H.G. unless you’re going to try. Ha!
I never try. I succeed.
Brimming with over confidence again I see!
The over is superfluous, beacon.
Havent all of these by proxies been benign, however? You mean direct contact is coming?
That’s what he is angling for.
Why respond? Hmmm. The point is moot, because there will probably never be anything but contact by proxy. You raise a good point though. I think it would be an ego validation. I don’t even know that I would respond, HG…your insight may prove enough. I don’t know….
We shall have to wait and see.
He unblocked me..after more than a year…I found out when his profile just popped up on my fb.
What will happen next?
Expect a benign follow-up hoover at some juncture, a message through text if he knows your number or on social media. He fancies some fuel from you again. Have you blocked him?
Thank you very much for the advice Yo, I am working on keeping him at arms length but it’s difficult with a child to consider 🙁 it has helped a huge amount to be able to read this blog from a narc’s point of view. The lies were obvious, trivial and cruel. I knew that but couldn’t get my head around it. Now I can see it doesn’t have to make sense, it simply is the way he is. Sadly…
To clarify the last comment by “not respond” I mean I will never make direct contact if he continues fo be a wimp and hoover by proxy. What does he get out of this? Will direct contact eventually come or will my lesser (but socially retarded, possibly malignant) narcissist eventually give up? Ha. Everything on my page will hit him where he is most vulnerable, and its true. I followed the advice in your book, HG. Either that or the lieutenant is in love with me and that would just be creepy. lol.
I don’t know you, but am empathetic, and to be honest, everything you write is about the N !!!! Your FB about tormenting him, your allowing flying monkeys into your life !!!!!! WHY ????? Do you still love him, be honest with yourself ???? Because to be honest your replies are quite obsessive over what he thinks how he behaves what he’s doing !!!! In essence the real truth is he doesn’t give a damn !!!!!
Your keeping it alive by trying to get back at him, you won’t win as you have a conscience he doesn’t !!!!
Do yourself a favour and forget him delete this pal !!!! And truly be happy don’t wear a mask to try and make him regret how he treated you, your still living for him !!! Your worth more than that !!!!
Whilst you obsess over him your never get over him !!! Sorry but you need to hear it directly STOP !!!!!!! No contact you want him to contact you, so you can say what’s o. Your chest but I can sense your key him back and your not in the right frame of mind for that to happen !!! He will destroy you
HG, the psychopath lieutenant sent me a friend request. I accepted (because why not , I look amazing and my social life is moving along very nicely) then nothing…the hoover by proxy is getting bolder. My question to you tho is, why is ex such a wimp? A grown man who can’t speak for himself? Im not going to respond unless he contacts me directly…will he realize this at some point or will this proxy rubbish continue to infinity?
Is he a wimp or is he wise to the fact that a direct approach will be met with hostility and therefore a proxy approach (to his mind at least) is the better approach? Nothing is happening at present as he will be looking at other options whilst keeping tabs on you through the lieutenant waiting for his moment.
Why respond at all when he makes his move?
Why would he think Id be hostile? I thought lessers have no idea they did something wrong? You’re the expert HG, what comes next?
Indeed, he may have no idea that he did anything wrong but he can still anticipate that you would be hostile to him if he has seen you respond to him in this manner on a previous occasion.
I’m just at the end of an abusive relationship and I certainly don’t admire HG. Finding this blog last week really helped me deal with the reality of what’s been going on though.
Dear thagumath, u r lucky that: 1) u r at the END of abusive relationship (be sure it s really the end, this part is under ur control).
2) go No Contact
3) read this blog, it s REALLY helpful and will prepare u for further steps of a surviver
(apart from the fact that it s written better vs other similar blogs from “literature” perspective, so at least u will get an esthetical pleasure)
4) go to psyhoterapist if u feel it will help to overcome what has happened with u quicker (but go for one with sessions, not just pills. Coz sessions is the treatment, pills just allow u to start curing process but not a treatment itself.
My advice: even without pills just go with a purpose to find out why it has happened with u and what u have learned from it
5) we understand ur pain. And please realise that MNs they are not ppl, they r defective.
Abrazos y besos
Thank you for clarifying. This explains how timelines fell into place the last time I made contact. Expect him when you least expect him…or her. Resist, resist, resist.
Is there any statistics that MNs have better… tool ;)? 🙂 coz my ex had an amazing tool and it just cannot understand where to find something similar but which not belongs to a MN?!)))))….
This!^
I read N’s and Sociopaths have higher levels of testosterone and can definitely believe it.
In time you will come to feel less enamoured by his tool as you fully realize the person it is attached to does not have your best interests at heart.
!
I’m curious…I’ve mentioned on occasion that JN pulled a devastating stunt on me last year over the 4th of July weekend. For almost 6 months following that, even when I first started reading here, I thought he had ruined that holiday for me for years to come. Obviously getting close to the 1 year mark of that event, I’ve wondered if he would try a hoover of some kind. Reading this, it makes me think he’ll definitely ignore and wait to see if I reach out / lash out to get a reaction of some sort? Or, if he has a new source of fuel, will he even remember what he did to me last year for the holiday?
I’m happy to say, I’ve made plans with a close relative coming into town and going with some friends to a concert in Chicago later that week so I will be keeping busy and surrounding myself with supporters. But he really devastated me a year ago and it’s hard to not get sad when I think about it. I’m sure he knows that much about me. If I understand this blog though, he would make sure to avoid me to hoover rather than me thinking he would reach out even if to do a malign hoover to rub it in my face?
I suspect there will be a considerable temptation for him to apply a malign hoover, if he is not preoccupied (as you rightly identify) with a new source. With 4th July being a significant event (both between you and him and also a national holiday – what’s it about BTW I’ve never understood the fuss?!) it will prove a reminder to him and there will be the desire to strike so you are doing the right thing by organising a distraction. He would like to think you are thinking back to last year and that you will be tempted to reach out to him but I think after your recent exchanges he is more likely to direct a MH your way. Tin hat on and watch the fireworks!
Hmmm, I knew you would have better insight to what could lie ahead since you are aware of the recent personal exchanges. Thank you for the warning.
Remember your blog on explaining how everything in your reality is black or white, good or bad, no shades of gray? I imagine right now by rejecting JN’s apology and now not following up with any fuel, I am labelled in his mind very bad and even an enemy?
I read a recent term that this process is called “splitting”. That it is a type of defense mechanism for Narcs. It is deployed because you are unable to process that a person can be both good and bad at the same time (you can idealize us for our good flaws while accepting our negative flaws). Have you heard of this term ever with Dr. E and Dr. O? Thoughts?
Yes I am aware of splitting and indeed it is something that I wrote about a little while back, so my observations are contained that piece Clarece. I understand those who suffer from BPD apply this approach as well. It is useful and saves messing around in grey areas.
Here we sit, one year later. As you predicted, the temptation prooved too great and he had reached out last week thru email (which was a new approach for him). Knowing more of the circumstances from last year, this would have been a completely malign Hoover and nothing benign about it I am assuming?
Every scenario I have given H.G. with a real life situation, he has 100% predicted JN’s next move. No magic crystal ball needed.
Props H.G. Take a bow! Thank you for your continued interest and advice.
Thank you and you are most welcome Clarece. To your credit you have (largely – inherent fireball characteristic aside) adopted what I have relayed to you, for your own use and advancement.
How are you feeling on this day of all days?
I don’t know what happened to you last year, but I can imagine !!! I’m empathetic, I know, I wish I knew back when I first met the N that they love to try and destroy empaths, sick twisted arse holes which they are, anyhow much more importantly !!! You still appear very raw and I understand that, but if I can sense your vulnerable then trust me the N will as well, I don’t know you, or your circumstances but keeping busy as you said and avoiding all contact going to be your saviour !!! It’s been 2 years since we split, but he last hoovered me Oct 15 and is trying again now !!! When your in a place where your feeling stronger and more like you, you will see things clearly, what an absolute prick he is !!! How he treated you, how he made you feel and how he tried to destroy you, probably whilst having a new source !!! – I Don’t give him the time of day now, I’ve found me again, I’ve missed her !!!! The N only mission is to hurt you, be happy find solice however that maybe for you !!!! If you suffered with CPTSD speak to some one I even started reiki just to relax and finally release myself from flight or fight mode which it has done !!!!
Your getting there your noticing a pattern forming but now you be the captain of your ship and never let him lead you off course again !!!
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your kind words and reaching out. Very much appreciated.
No,NC your freedom, the lice will soon release after a period of time to feast on something else then you !!!
Once you see them for the monster they are, and see them after a period of NC the butterflies disappear and pity sets in, what was I ever thinking springs to mind !!!!
So HG, what you are saying is if we do not fall for this, or really do not want anything to do with them again, they will finally leave us alone? Xxx
No, not at all. If you don’t fall for this by making you come to us, then we will increase the hoover intensity and come after you in a different way.
Whether you want to have anything to do with us, is, from our perspective irrelevant. If you don’t want anything to do with and instigate a successful no contact campaign then you will be left alone (although not for want of us trying)
Thank you HG for responding, also for all the great advice!😘
Pleasure.
So NC is the ultimate key that opens the door!
Does he factor of new relationship with another guy – work “against” going for hoover or it will increase an interest of MN to get a victim back?
The presence of a competitor is ultimately irrelevant. On the one hand this may mean the hoover is more difficult but then that is balanced out by the sweeter hoover fuel. Also there is the greater potential for triangulation and to gain fuel from both you and your new partner even if it is negative.
I have never been hoovered – he has new fuel – this is unusual isn’t it ? Can you elaborate hg ?
Did you escape or were you discarded? How long ago did that event take place?
I was discarded . 10 th december 2015 . Just reslised he came to my work 28th january 2016 a d told me he met someone , was falling in love and wanted nothing to do with me . Of course i was broken – was that a hoover ?
>
Yes it was. It was a malign hoover designed to draw negative fuel from you. He did not want to resurrect the formal relationship but rather hurt you further.
Yes, this does happen and has happened to me, no contact them he unblocks me and starts turning up at the gym when I go and he knows that to, casually walking past me, sitting behind me in the jacuzzi then moving right to my eye line when I was talking to an old chap, no acknowledgements and I refuse to recognise him anymore after what he has put me through plus he has a new supply and I’ve done enough research to understand the twisted workings of his mind !!!! I pretended he wasn’t there and he left !!!!’ Woohoo me, plus seeing him walking to his van I felt pity for it !!! No more longing just disgust for it !!! My freedom reigns his never will, so try as he might hoovering me not going to happen this time I’ve eventually learnt from my mistakes !!!!!!!
Is the attempt to get back in touch with you enough? Are you content to know “Ah ha. I KNEW she couldn’t resist me.” and then not respond to her message? Or will you always respond to get even more fuel?
It depends. We may play hard to get so you message further and this increases your desire for us to contact you so that when we eventually do you roll-over and accept us back again. If we sense a risk that you may be become disinterested after a period of getting no response we will respond sooner to capitalise on your evident interest. We will base it on how you have behaved in the past.
Now we now how it works !!
Soldado avisado no muere en guerra LOL
Somewhen all this techniques fade away I think… people move on…. fall in love…. learn self love…… so many things.
But perfectly explained becuase there are many of the readers on this risk. I read it all the time….
Thanks for the evening read. 🙂
But you’re not “back”…you never really left. You may not have been taking our calls, but you were stalking our social media & talking to our friends the whole time, making sure we didn’t replace you.
Absolutely Cara.