The Grief, The Whole Grief And Nothing But The Grief
Grief. You may think that this is an alien concept to our kind. It is and it is not. On the one hand we do not feel grief but we do understand what it is and what it engenders in other people especially those who are empathic in nature and who have been entangled with us. We have watched with an almost child-like curiosity when you have received news about the passing away of a relative. If this happened during the golden period, you at least received some false empathy in the shape of some fabricated support and understanding to make it look as if we at least cared in some way. If your pet died during the devaluation, a long-loved pet, then we will have watched your display of sadness, longing and grief with contempt and jealousy. We would not have supported you but instead said something to provoke you such as,
“I don’t know why you are so upset, it’s just a dog.”
So that you focused on us again rather than wallow in your own grief. We have witnessed grief in others, observed and learnt how it is displayed. We have listened (when it served a purpose for us) during the golden period as to how it makes you feel and stored all of this information away. We do not feel grief. We may exhibit is for the sake of appearances if this will garner fuel for us and to preserve the façade, but it is never felt. You however experience grief in an intense fashion, given your capacity to feel and to empathise. We have seen your grief over a deceased relative, a friend taken suddenly and violently in a car crash, the celebrity who you adored who has passed away after a long battle against illness. We know just how capable you are of grief and we know that not only does it have the potential to be a potent source of fuel but we recognise its paralytic effect on you. Grief takes a hold and has the capacity to prevent you from functioning effectively. Not only that, its paralysis is such that it can prevent you from escaping this state of grief, keeping you locked-in a grieving mode, unable to move forward. Grief is an intense emotion. We have seen this. From the wailing cries of a parent being told that their child’s body has been found after they have disappeared to the dignified grief of a war veteran stood in silence with a single tear trickling down his or her cheek as they pay tribute to their fallen comrades. Whether noise or silence accompanies this grief it remains a powerful emotion and naturally one that our kind is keen to draw on for the purposes of extracting fuel. We see grief as serving two functions. Keeping you in a state of paralysis and therefore it follows that you will keep pumping out potent negative fuel for us to extract.
Now, I am not suggesting that I will embark on some kind of killing spree slaughtering your pets, taking down your favourite celebrities and murdering your friends and family, in order to create this repeated state of grief. Whilst one might see certain attractions in doing so, the effort involved and moreover the considerable downsides to such a course of action mean that it is not one that we would embark on. No, instead there is an alternative way of looking to create an enduring state of grief on your part. We want you to grieve for us.
This does not involve us taking our own lives. We rarely commit such an act. We will threaten it, certainly, as part of a hoover, but we regard the world as needing us and therefore we will extremely rarely commit suicide. We will however cause you to grieve for us and we do this when we eventually discard you after a harsh devaluation. When this discard takes place we will leave you with three losses over which you will grieve. Your grief will be prolonged because there are three losses and thus this maximises not only the prospect of paralysis but also a longer period of the provision of potent fuel.
The first loss is the loss of who you thought we were. You were seduced and swept off your feet by this charming individual who mirrored everything you liked and disliked. We ticked all the boxes, we professed to be your soulmate, we gave you a perfect love, made every day special and had you excited to see us and hear from us. We created such a wonderful start to the relationship, unlike anything that you had experienced before. We understood you, we cared, we showed you such passion, we listened and engaged in those things which you always wanted to share with someone else. We wrapped ourselves around you, permeated your very core and entwined our lives so that you were never happier and you could never comprehend a time when such delicious rapture would end. But it did and how.
The loss of something so brilliant and splendid hurts you and feels like you have suffered a bereavement so intense and painful is the experience. Even though you hear the words that it was an illusion, that none of it was real and that you need to let go, it is still so hard to accept all of that and you miss us. Oh how you miss us. You miss that wonderful person we were at the beginning and you want that person back. No matter how many times you are told that he or she was just a creation, that it was an illusion designed to fool you and that we never loved you and never meant or felt anything we said to you, it is still incredibly hard to accept. Just like someone who cannot accept that someone who has died will not walk through the door at any minute, you cannot accept for a considerable time that the person you thought we were has gone. We know what you will be thinking (because we have caused you to think and feel this way) and although we may not always see your grief-ridden response to our absence we know what you will be thinking and feeling and this fuels us. Even greater is the fuel from your messages telling us you miss us, that you want the “old me” back and begging for another chance. Your grief for loss of the person that you thought we were, is both huge and prolonged.
The second loss that you sustain and grieve for is the loss of the potential that we showed to you. There was no doubting that we were brilliant at our job. You saw the plaudits and you felt the benefit, for a time, of the accompanying pay cheque. You saw the trophies amassed for our various achievements in different fields and you heard other people speak so highly of our accomplishments. The compassion, kindness and love that we showed to you and to others (although false) still causes you to think that somewhere we are truly capable of this goodness, if only we would harness it and let it be free. You have witnessed two things. The reality of our drive to be the best and the accompanying good that such drive and ambition brings – a surgeon saving lives, a scientist inventing cures, an entrepreneur creating wealth and jobs, a policeman making the neighbourhood safer, a teacher educating so many people to a high degree – means that our rampant desire to be the best has the considerable potential to actually do good for others. You also saw something in terms of the way that we treated you and as an empathic individual you still believe that this goodness can be freed and used to both our benefits so that we are both happy together. You came to regard us as a wounded and hurt person and in conjunction with your innate desire to heal and fix, you felt that if you could heal us then the mutual benefits would be amazing. There was so much potential waiting to be unlocked and utilised and now with our departure and your discard, that potential has been lost. You grieve this loss of opportunity and how things might have turned out oh so different. You want to turn back the clock, do things differently and the inability to do so causes you considerable grief and pain.
The third area of grief which you sustain from coupling with us is not grieving over us, but it stems from being with us and that is grieving the loss of your identity. Before we came along you were happy, independent, strong, bright, well-liked by family, friends and colleagues. You had many interests and you enjoyed life. Yes, there were flaws and vulnerabilities but you handled them as best you could as you forged a path through life knowing who you were. Then we came along.
We subsumed you into us. We eradicated your characteristics as we either stole them for our own construct to show the world or we eroded them through the steady application of our vicious manipulations. Your confidence evaporated, your self-esteem disappeared and your self-worth plummeted. You became steadily isolated, losing friends, neglecting your interests and even become distant with family. You allowed yourself to be fully consumed by us. It was entirely understandable how this happened because we wanted it to happen and we acted in a manner to cause it to happen, but nevertheless your loss of identity was a steady and insidious consequence of the grip we held over you. Now, as you sit alone, ruminating on what once was, grieving the loss of who you thought we were, the loss of the potential, you are also hit by the loss of who you were. You no longer recognise that face which stares emptily at you in the mirror each morning. The world is grey and drab, music sounds harsh and grating, conversations irritate and make you fearful, even your favourite foods taste like ash in your mouth. You have lost yourself and the sense of foolishness from allowing this to happen and the grief arising from such a loss is substantial.
This triumvirate of grief arising from entangling with us provides us with substantial fuel and we know that burdened by not just one or two, but three forms of grief, it will take you a long time, if ever, to escape the effects.
32 thoughts on “The Grief, The Whole Grief And Nothing But The Grief”
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this is an old post, I know… i didn’t know where else to ask this question: Do NPD ever take heir own lives, (IYO), and if yes, what would, hypothetically, push them to do it?
Very rarely. The world needs us. A fuel crisis which leads to depression, withdrawal and a collapse of the construct could bring about suicide in our kind.
thank you…. So, do You know if a person can have NPD and BiPolar co-occurring? In that case, if yes, then if SAID PERSON IS in BiPolar depressive mode, AN ALCOHOLIC and A fuel crisis, a suicide “could” take place?
I daresay NPD and bi-polar can be co-morbid. Yes, the circumstances you describe may well lead to suicide.
HG, my late-husband of 25 years was absolutely an upper Mid-Range or Greater, an attorney, top of his class, top law firm, possibly a few affairs, and very brilliant. He committed suicide when I said no more, we are going to counseling or else I will leave. He began planning the next day and followed through 14 days later, leaving me with all three of the losses, which I feel frequently even eight years later. My questions: 1. Could he have been afraid of being exposed for the fraud he seemed to be (ex. he had all, even his parents, convinced had been a Green Beret in the military when he had only been a radio operator in the state guard)? 2. Did he kill himself to wound us the worst possible way (3 young adult children who had had enough of his silent treatments)? 3. Would counseling/therapy have made a difference or would things just have become worse for me in the relationship?
true…..spot on… I did grief in stages over years…..it’s over now… I feel nothing…not even empathy to my HN…I became him ..empty…but only towards him… I should have never become his target…
Hey Bethany I concurr . But I’m floundering still . Reading hg first thing in the morning , last at night and in between . I believe him but my heart is trailing 😪 105 days no contact – I will admit to looking at photos to see something as freedom did in a previous post – but I can’t see anything . HG you write so eloquently and you are honest and funny and intelligent – just lovable – but a narcissist , a waste in my opinion sorry don’t mean to offend you , today is not great for me .
Il be here for some time I think . I signed the unseen contract 😪
No offence taken Christine. I am pleased you will remain with us as you increase your education and understanding.
Hello Christine , 🙂
Didn’t we all sign the same contract . Arrgh .
105 days is pretty good going with NC , well done you !
We were all in the same palace as you are now . I’m 18 months .
I remember so many people telling me that NC was the way forward how life would be so much better. I didn’t believe a single word honestly .
I thought well no actually you’re all wrong , my relationship was different. he still loved me as much as I still loved him ..
Then after much soul searching I found HGs amazing blog .
He gave me ( still does ) all the answers I needed & I’m slowly getting into a place where I quite like . 🙂
Don’t give up.. EVER.
So Sad xxx
Well put and thank you So Sad.
All thanks to you HG !!
I still owe you a pint or two of John Smiths 🙂
I shall take up your kind offer.
Thanks HG.
Over my dead body you will lol ..
Would be a little like sharing a glass of Cianti with Hannibal Lecter …Hahaha..
Nice idea in principle though .. 🙂
You’ve nothing to be worried about.
Of course i dont 🙂
http://giphy.com/gifs/vh1-basketball-wives-bbwla-l46CdZXEcGz9Iz0be
One of the most helpful things about HG’s writings and insight is his consistent message! He had never, ever wavered from the cold, card brutal truth of the N perspective: we were but an interchangeable appliance, a provider of fuel (emotional energy) to feed his emptiness, a one dimensional object that was never loved or cared for in any meaningful way. He drives this truth home over and over. When I first found this blog several months ago, I tried repeatedly to hear something g else, to find in his words one I dication that there was something special in the connection. That, somehow, someway, there had been a mutual and genuine unique connection between the N and I. The salvation never came. The words that I Thiught HG might say one day to serve as a drop of water on my parched tongue…to provide relief…never, ever came. How I appreciate your consistency HG! I trust you!
And this has enabled me to no longer search outside of myself for validation. I LOVED and that, unto itself, is a ️gorgeous thing! There is lemonade to be made out of these lemons!
HG, thank you for your consistently bitter, sour message. It provides me the opportunity to find refreshment from the sweet cool taste of acceptance!!!
I’m dealing with a fresh round of grief, realizing there were no good intentions attached to the interactions with JN last summer and it was a whole experience with a malign Hoover. After a couple of those, do you get it out of your system HG?
Also, I know you could only measure how much of a loss of fuel someone is to you. Does grief only lead to irritation and anger then with you if abruptly taken away when you are feeling an attachment to it?
No, the malign hoovers will continue for as long as we can draw negative fuel from you.
If you mean does the loss of an appliance who dies cause irritation and anger, then it irritates to lose it and we regard it as a criticism because that person could no longer remain around to provide us with fuel and this ignites our fury. Dependent on our level of control and façade considerations we may erupt or we may just withdraw. People may regard this as us being upset that somebody has passed away. We are not upset they have gone, we are upset the fuel has gone and we need to find an alternative.
Hmmm…if you feel criticized when someone you are fond of passes on, are you angry at the person or at God? That is one thing none of us have control over us when our time is up, whether it be accident, sickness, murdered by a jealous lover (jk). I know you gave said you actually have a spiritual side since you were brought up going to church, unlike some Narcs who are atheists. You have said your fury comes from many of the injustices done to you by people letting you down. Do you ever get mad at God then?
Fury at the departed Clarece. I am God’s instrument, I don’t get mad at Him.
Lol, that is probably a smart move!
They usually are.
This is so beautifully written. It covers every base. Gordie Howe died today and I am grieving the loss to the point of tears. He was “Mr. Hockey” but also a class act. Ex N contacted me today saying that we have to realize what’s important in life. I knew I would hear from him. He can sit and spin on a nail. I still have to will myself not to respond. No Hoover fuel. Never again.
I’m glad I found your blog. It seems like perfect timing, or something like that.
Good to have you here.
Thank you. Your blog has become one of my faves in short order.
Always gratifying.
Wow. Thank you for writing. It is relieving to read this and have some form of validation to what I live.
You are welcome Mary.
My ex husband is one of your kind. Our son was murdered December 27, 2014. On the day of the funeral he wanted his “guppie” to sit on the first pew with him during the funeral. I denied him that request and threaten to close the services to family only if he insist on her sitting on the first pew while we was still married. I refuse to watch him slobbering and sucking on this chic while my baby laid in casket in front of the church. He promptly mailed me divorce papers 6 months later and I happily signed them.
Wow, it sounds like a lot of drama and emotions. People actually think this is real in their head lol. I’d rather go horse bare back riding on the beach with my beautiful long over flowing black hair as the wind carresses my flawless perfect skin on my exotic face and seek attention from someone else as opposed to getting stuck to this grief thing. Its all nothing but a useless feeling as all feelings are really useless unless beneficial to one’s situation. Riveting and exhilarating post HG. All memories can be deleted in seconds.. next person please! I always suggest to my 23 yr old to stay in the moment and if no benefits to you, to be aware. It’s all about you first. Thanks HG, this post is so helpful to all.
To be able to answer I have to bring myself back to the past because When i grieved and what will be sadly remembered -I prefer to use these words- is for me is mainyl number one, number two not at all and number 3 partially.
I have to say that I am in a state of very positive feelings and therefor I would not be able to comment based on what I feel today.
I also have to say I will use the word sad memories instead of grieving because for me the breakups have been so unbearably painful that in order to continue functioning, I have succesfully let go and therefor its mainly a sad feeling, a sad heavy memory in the chest that remains.
I learned very well to let go with the death of my father ( 2 years learning process that included, spiriatual guidance, religious guidance, psychological guidance and mindfulness) and therefor I was prepared for when my marriage broke apart and the last relationship I had.
So to start my comment. It brings me sad memories of what it was to be with that person and that it will never longer be again. So sad memories of good of happy moments. Since I have this knowledge of to where naricissims stems from, It also hurts me for the person that because of painful events in his childhood, he could not be the wonderful person he prented to be but instead wounded inside, permanently feeling pain and acting around neutralizing this pain. Its really unfair. Specailly because it happens during childhood where there is total vulnerability and a state of being total defenseless.
I cant say I have not looked back in a sad way to number make no 3 real becuase I have but only in hard moments. In moments when I feel life is against me and I cant anymore, then I start looking back before all the energy drain and sadness started… and I grive my past times…
Very good posting. Very well analyzed from where it hurts. <3
Lol, no you wouldn’t take your own life. My mother wouldn’t either, although she DOES threaten me that she “won’t always be here”…meanwhile I want to know where she’s going and why she doesn’t leave NOW.