The Six Phases of Fuelling
Fuel is our lifeblood. Whether it is positive fuel from admiration, delight and love or negative fuel from hatred, anger or upset, we want fuel. There are many, many different ways in which we will manipulate you, many different machinations, some wonderful and others terrible, that we will use against you to extract fuel from you. These different methods appear during the six phases of fuelling.
- Seduction
A period when everything is rosy in the garden. We are the most wonderful person you could every meet. Kind, considerate, amusing and entertaining. We are generous with time or money, sometimes both. We are impressive in terms of our achievements, our abilities, the people that we know, the places that we have been and we just happen to like all the things that you like as well as we engage in our tried and trusted practice of mirroring. If we have chosen you to be our intimate partner we will gushing with love as we sweep you off your feet with borrowed love quotes, gifts and sensational love-making. It is irresistible and you will succumb to this intense love-bombing whether we want you as our partner in love, friend, trusted colleague or reliable family member. Our seduction is powerful, effective and is aimed at getting you hooked on us as we begin to drink from your positive fuel that you will provide to us during the golden period.
- Devaluation
In this second phase we have found your positive fuel has lost its potency. You are no longer providing us with the earnest and amazing admiration that we require and this is entirely your fault. The consequence of this is that we must continue to draw fuel in order to sustain our existence and now we must do this by extracting a contrasting fuel, negative fuel. This is derived by treating you badly, meting out silent treatments, shouting at you, provoking you and unleashing the whole malevolent content of our Devil’s Toolkit against you. We want you to shout insults at us in anger, we want you to plead with us to stop our torment of you, we want to see you sob in desperation at our continued abuse of you. Tears, frustration, anger and hatred are all delicious emotions which will fuel us and they provide such a magnificent and stark contrast to all of the positive fuel that you once gaze that the effect for us is considerably edifying and invigorating.
- Respite
We do not want to keep the devaluation in place all of the time otherwise you will break too soon and deprive us of our primary source of fuel. Accordingly, the third phase is one where we allow you some respite from the devaluation. We reinstate the golden period and you provide us with relief tinged positive fuel. This is of an excellent quality as it is heightened by your relief and joy at returning to the golden period. It also allows us to convince you that the golden period can be resurrected to you will not leave us and instead keep trying to recover it. We will alternate between devaluing you and offering you respite, back and forth between these two states in order to confuse you and keep you in situ. The contrast between treating you well and treating you badly also provides us with a greater degree of fuel as your emotions are pushed and pulled by us. This phase may last for years as we move you back and forth, one week everything is wonderful and then you are plunged into a fortnight of awful treatment with you completely bewildered as to why this is happening.
- Preventative
You may be pushed to a point of no return. You may have received some outside help from a friend or a professional who understands what is actually happening to you or it may be that you do not know what is happening but you know that you cannot allow it to continue any longer. In such a situation when you warn us that you are thinking of leaving us or that you intend to end our relationship we will instigate the preventative phase. This is designed to stop you from going. We will provide a massive dose of the golden period but we will also ally it with promises to mend our ways, seek help and change. None of it is meaningful but it is a desperate measure to prevent you from leaving us. We decide when we no longer want you, you are not superior to us and therefore you are not allowed, in our minds, to make this decision. By applying these preventative moves, which might be seeking pity, forgiveness, understanding and sympathy, we aim to stop your departure and then drink deep of the fuel that you will provide as you soothe away our concern, responding favourably to our stated intention to better ourselves. Your delight at hearing us say these things provides us with further fuel.
- Benign Return
Whether you escaped us or we cast you to one side through one of our callous discards we will also seek fuel through the benign return. Similar to the preventative stage but this takes place after there has been a cessation in our relationship. You try to stay away from us or you have been trying to get back with us but we have kept you at arms’ length for some time until we decide that we want your positive fuel once again and we approach you taking you back. We may seek forgiveness, express we made mistakes, that we were not thinking clearly and so on, all done in order to con you into resurrecting the relationship. If we ended it, you will return with joyful open arms. If you ended it, you will return delighted you have got us to agree to making changes. Of course nothing changes. It is all about the fuel and as you respond in a favourable manner, admiring us again, expressing your love and gratitude, portraying relief we will take all this fuel.
- Malign Return
This also takes place post cessation of the relationship. You may have ended it and resisted out attempts to hoover you back in. We may have ended it and you want to return to the fold but we will not let you as we have a replacement. In either instance we will not forgo the opportunity to extract additional fuel from you by continuing to administer terrible and hurtful manipulations against you. We may no longer be in a relationship but this will not stop us from lashing out, lying about you, invoking the assistance of others as we smear your name and doing everything we can on a repeated basis to cause you to become angry and upset and thus provide us with fuel. You may not have heard from us for some time but there will be some trigger, some opportunity and whilst we may not want you back or we may be unable to cause you to come back, we will still look to provoke and emotional reaction from you and obtain fuel. It is always about the fuel.
43 thoughts on “The Six Phases of Fuelling”
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Is there any hope for us HG? I think not. I share in your situation as I have been forced reconciliation. I find true hate in it as I have been bated towards an end goal that is not my foal. I have been forced into an awareness that is not my consternation. I do wonder if there is a hope for us?
I do feel that the insight offered is just their benefit. I do enjoy how they quickly learned to grey rock me. I find it amusing. Tick tock how does the clock… It works in ways they cannot perceive. I think I will find ways to draw them out and elicit a response. I think I answered my question to you.
Wowza,
Real vampires do exists except they are ten times worse than the imaginary ones bc they feed off your emotions…rather have the blood!
Thanks for posting these helpful articles.
Hello Warrior for the Lord, great name and thank you.
HG… can you please tell me… does a narcissist ever just stop the long term intimidation of one person? mine has obtained his fuel from several women since we ended but all throughout those relationships, still seems obsessed by me and I feel it will never end… he terms it as a war
No. Form our perspective it never ends. You of course do have means at your disposal to tackle it.
Tried everything tbh, he’s been warned off by the police and I don’t really want to see him arrested. One of the positive things I’ve got from your blog is understanding that much as it’s not my fault, it’s not really his either… it’s just what he is and he knows no different?
I always maintain that the key to progressing is to understand and it is evident that you are doing so.
Why not offer a few extra services HG? You could make a killing…. (and no not with regard to that lol)
may I correspond with you?
You may – narcissist1909@gmail.com
I feel at this point I am just being f’ed with…
You can detail more to me and I will provide you with my view.
i received a facetime request yesterday from unfamiliar gmail address.. i failed to answer. What gives? This has never happened before (and between that and the random fb requests/messages -which were then blocked/deactivated before i could respond- and hang up calls from strange numbers, that app invite…but no direct contact whatsoever) make me feel crazy. well maybe so lol. are these things really all random…that facetime request was weird. When I texted the person asking who they were I got no response. Is this truly just in my head andrandom or is the lieutenant back to causing trouble? hesitant to put myself physically in front of him at this point, should I try something indirect and benign myself (i.e: app invite) ? since lieutenant is now a fb friend should i innocently about the facetime thing (‘hey was that you? was in shower?) or just chalk it up to random? could l be looking to cause problems because he sees Tubby again wants my fuel? How to handle him?
Hello Twinkletoes, it is part of a hoover all these various actions are designed to test your defences. It is not random. The fact you texted back asking who it was gives the recipient of your text the satisfaction that you are responding to them and therefore fuel will be obtained. You must ignore. Know that these are all part of a hoover and do not respond. Understand that since you have there will be more but you need to ignore them and maintain your defences.
Another EXCELLENT post!
I have a question though, and would highly appreciate your reply on that:
How many female ‘sources of fuel’ do you – or a lesser/mid-range/highly malignant narcissist- need, altogether, to keep the card house up and standing?
If you keep ‘collecting’ and lining up sll these women, re-surrecting an -arranging them from primary to secondary source, back and forth, throughout a life-time, that sums up to a high number of ‘appliances’ or ‘functions’, after a couple of years!
How can you follow up with so many people at once, simultaneously, or even via delayed communication? Do you really think that you would be able to woe, ensnare, love-bomb and devaluate 5, 10, 20 or even 50 women simultaneously, while staying on top with all the details and seeing (let alone: have sex wi5j them!) them on a regular basis?
There was a very brief period in my life (of about three weeks) where I had to ‘handle’ three men at a time (one of them was the N, and he was the only one who was aware of the other two). I found that to be very stressful, utterly exhaustive and confusing! I hated that and felt ashamed of myself for having put myself and the men in this situation. So I came out with the truth very quickly and dealt with the consequences: I left the one who I’d only dated three times, had a long conversation with my husband which led to a one-year break within my marriage. And I made it exclusive with the N. That was probably not very wise. But it was in accordance with my own morals and standards.
The N, however, never told his ex who always stayed lined up as ‘backdoor supply’ in the background of the picture during our entire ‘relationship’, waiting in the wings and probably hoping for a return of the golden period, since he kept sending unclear messages to her.
I know he never told her, because he confirmed that to me recently when we last talked. He never granted her the honour of truth, not even after their and our relationship had ended! Not even 1.5 years after the fact (her and I both Broker it off with him at the time, which led to a narcissistic breakdown of 6 months, when he wasn’t even able to work any more.)
“They always lie, even when the truth would be an easier option.” How pathetic and sad is that?
Anyway, I’m digressing again. So back to my questions to you:
How many women to you need in order to keep the Creature at bay?
How do you stay on top with all these former, current and future sources of supply?
Oh, and: did you vote Brexit? 😉
It is not so much about how many sources are required but rather the potency of the fuel provided by those sources. If I have an excellent primary source which pumps out very potent fuel regularly then I only need occasional “top-ups” from supplementary sources. Of course, if fuel is on offer I will always take it, but in such a scenario the need to gather it is reduced.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that there are a high number in a couple of years. Let’s say I choose a target and the incumbent is on the way out. The target is seduced and the golden period lasts roughly a year. The previous incumbent is pushed aside and used for triangulation. After a year and devaluation of the replacement begins I may draw the old incumbent back in or target someone new. The devaluation goes on for sixth months or so and then I have a new primary source with a new golden period which might again last a year. Therefore in that 2.5 year period it may be just 2 or 3 women. Admittedly sometimes it is higher but it does not always have to be.
No, I would not have to keep on top of the numbers you mention. Bear in mind if it is 2 or 3 women, that is not difficult to handle. I would also have female secondary sources (inner/outer circle friends for instance) but would not be having sex with them. They would be seen intermittently so it is not too arduous. Of course one can easily interact with 10,20 or more people remotely through technology if required.
Accordingly staying on top is not difficult and of course I have many skills and many years experience which aids the process.
I did vote.
I voted remain.
HG, Thank you SO Much for this very insightful reply (and the more extensive on #BREXIT) belohnt one if your other posts (The Final Battle, I think).
I will comment in more detail at a later stage, when I have more time and thought about your explanation. But right now, the question arises as to how that matches with the different types of hoovers which as you said were inevitable (“Well never leave” aka “MY Kind always comes back.) Hoovers, especially the Great Hoovers, when done right, are energy- and time-consuming, aren’t they? And you explained in one of your books that a hoover often takes place when a new supply has been implemented- and not in times of shortage of supply, as I always thought before. 2-3 women per years (average) over, say, 30 years (Let’s suppose you are 45 years old;-)) = 3×30 = 90 women that you have to hoover on a regular basis… Plus the most recent ex, current and next supply in line… and the secondary sources… isn’t that screaming for a professionell HR & time management to deal with those hoovering obligations according lying? 😎 The N formerly in my life once told me that he’d “stopped counting” When he had reached the number of “80+”. Beware! That was before he got married at age 40, 19 years ago! When he told me about it, I was kind of shocked and even disgusted. It was so revealing as well.
If we were speaking of a women here, werde probably label her a s***. Interesting lying, that’s the term he uses for women he’s sexting to (and in bed, in early stages, or when he’s into those BDSM games). I asked him back then if he’d ever pictured all of those women lined up together, in one room. He laughed about that but seemed a little annoyed nevertheless.
-“Well, no, but you have to note that this was in 45 years!”
-“Hm, but it’s still pretty u setteling. Can you remember all of their names and faces?”
-“No, I can’t.”
-“Phew. That is disturbing and repelling!”
Silence.
So I still wonder how you and your kind ‘supply-manage’ all your sources, 24/7!?!
And how such intelligent, well-educated and complex men can waste their time, energy and emotions on – how you can choose to stay stuck in – such an utterly stupid, senseless and harmful behavioural patterns!?! But I know I am treading on broken glass and lost territory here…😌
I am very glad to hear you voted remain though. At least that matches my illusion of you:-)
Isn’t it interesting to witness how GB is hoovering already though? 😏
Number 6 is likely what will happen if I break NC. As an aside I love the smell of fuel…literally, not figuratively
Does the appliance seeks and longs for fuel in their own way as well?
Hi Leilani, do you think they do?
Hi HG, I think they do. They seek validation and approval but the fuel is far different than that of a narcissist?
I agree that they do seek validation and approval, I would not describe those qualities as fuelling them but then I am not one, so perhaps to you it does feel like you are being fuelled.
Hi HG, I think they do but the fuel is far different than that of a narcissist?
All I needed to read…thanks…I’m off
HG, when G was getting ready to (temporarily) discard me, I would always want to see him in person because I was so sure that if he just looked deep into my eyes he couldn’t possibly go through with it. How I wish I had found this blog months ago!
Would it have been better (from my perspective) and more fuel-depriving if I had just let him do it over the phone? Not that he wouldn’t have heard the choked sobs and desperate pleas, but would there be less of a “fuel rush” if I had at least denied him the chance to tell me to my face? How important is it to you to witness first-hand the emotional breakdown of your fuel sources?
If you had to be told about your discard (often we do not) it would have been better to have received it down the telephone line, yes. It is preferable to be physically proximate to receive the maximum benefit from the fuel but not completely necessary. Knowing what your reaction will be (because we know you and how you react) even if we do not see it, provides us with fuel as well. Not at the same level as if we witness it with our own eyes but still fuel all the same.
isn’t the last one a smear campaign?
It is. We obtain fuel from smearing, so it forms one of the phases.
I have so much physical, photographic evidence of my spouse’s years of high risk gay anonymous sex. He would be a fool to smear me…NC or MC minimal contact is needed. When he tries different approaches to convincing me he is NOT gay I just say “ok sure, whatever.”
Is he lesser, mid-range or greater,Coco?
Hi HG. As far as I can tell he is mid-range. The stuff I do have is really, really out there eg. Circle j*rk meet-ups, bl*w bangs, and cuckolding. Profile pic of erection. Sorry graphic.
Sounds like eventful evenings in your neck of the woods!
yes, I have had one drawing his fuel from me in this way for over 2 years now. Nothing stops him, peaceful entreaties, fighting back, ignoring even police involvement. It never seems to end.
i am sorry to say so, but with some people (one of them is my narcmother) it ends when only one of you is dead. It sucks and it’s not your fault and i am sorry you are going through all that unecessary crap. I don’t say this to discourage you, i say it because it used to crush me that even if i had put 1000 miles of distance between us she continued the smears. In the end i accepted that this is the piece of trash she is and she will never change. That gave me some peace.
Thank you, ive long suspected that my death was what he really wants, he nearly drove me too it.
I find this blog invaluable in helping me understand that none of its my fault, I wish more people understood what narcissim actually is as opposed to a glib insult to someone’s vanity, it’s life changing for the poor sod experiencing it.
Very much the case, Cass. The term is bandied around without the proper regard for what it actually entails.
whose blog is invaluable?
HG’s
Absolutely.
of course i respect your opinion, but i unfollowed him recently.
I’ve found his blogs invaluable in helping me to understand a horrible situation from the other perspective
A very traumatic and difficult situation 🙁