‘Til Death Do Us Discard
The word ‘discard’ is well-known in the lexicon of the narcissistic world. It forms one of the four cornerstones of the narcissistic embrace. The seduction, the devaluation, the discard and the hoover. Discard brings with it a sense of finality. The impression that we have extracted everything we can from you and that we are finally done with you. You have served your purpose and we no longer have any use for you. I do not think discard is an accurate description. We certainly toss you aside with no concern for your well-being or emotional state. We suddenly stop communicating with you. You cannot contact us as we vanish, walking off the face of the earth. If you receive some kind of half-baked explanation, then you ought to consider yourself as lucky to receive even that. We are, however, never done with you. The discard as such is a temporary cessation to the dance that you and I engage in.
I have written elsewhere of the main reasons why we discard and chief among them is the fact that we have acquired a new toy. You are old, stale and no fun anymore so you are left at the bottom of the toy box as we become infatuated with our new shiny and glittering toy. Of course your discard is not permanent. Once I selected you, you had a role to fulfil for the rest of your life when it comes to me. You have no choice, so far as I am concerned, in respect of this role. I assigned it to you and I regard you as obligated to carry it out forever. I may decide that I require you again for the purposes of triangulation. I may want the new primary source to pump out even more positive fuel because they feel threatened by your re-appearance. Like some corpse, we resurrect you in order to unnerve the new primary source. We will hoover you and tempt you with the prospect of winning our favour once again. When we triangulate you in this fashion you can rest assured that what is being said to you will be said in a similar way to the new primary source. We may comment to you: –
“She is just someone to pass the time with, she is nowhere near as special as you are to me.”
Around the same time, we will be telling your replacement primary source,
“Don’t worry about her. She cannot let go. I am not surprised really because I did so much for her, but it is you I want, you are so special, far more than she ever was.”
You are spurred on by such encouragement and double your efforts to please me in the hope of winning me back. The replacement is spurred on by such encouragement and she doubles her efforts to keep me and ensure you prove to be no temptation to me.
We will bring you back if the new prospect turns out to be less effective than we thought. We decide that they need to be consigned to the scrap heap quicker than usual and therefore we will turn to that person we know. You. We know all about you and how you will react and therefore it is far easier to return to you and hoover you than seek someone new again. This has the added benefit that the passage of time will have allowed you to recover from our abuse but also the longing that we imbue in you, when we discard, will continue to gnaw away at you and thus when we decide we have ended the “discard” you are easy to hoover.
We may be utterly delighted with your replacement but decide we will end the “discard” in order to punish you further. At this stage we have no interest in engaging in a romantic and intimate relationship with you again. Your replacement serves that role most effectively. No, we want to punish you. We will hoover you in an unpleasant and savage way, smearing you and parading your replacement around to all and sundry and explaining how wonderful it is to be with someone who truly understands us, loves us and is not abusive as you were.
We may toss you aside and come nowhere near you for weeks, months and even years. We know that the nature of this “discard” is such that no matter how hard you try; you remain vulnerable to being sucked back in. This is because you have not been able to cope with the ever presence we created and your frequent reminders of the golden period. It is also because you want answers, finality and understanding and because we flounced off the face of the earth, you did not get those things and the desire to receive them remains strong even years later.
We do not truly discard you. We push you to one side but you serve many purposes afterwards. You recover so your fuel provision increases again, you are the provider of both positive and negative fuel, dependent on how we hoover you. You are needed for the triangulations we wish to deploy. This cycle of picking you up and putting you down again, as and when suits us, is one that will go on and on until such time as you decide to break the pattern of “discards” and escape instead. Of course when you try to escape us we do not regard this as ending our binding arrangement. You are mis-guided, perhaps listening to the biased voices of others which is affecting your judgement. You, in our minds, do not get to choose when the arrangement ends. All the way through our lives, we will use you and then push you to one side before coming back again at some future point. If you allow us the means of contact by drifting into our sphere of influence again then we will hoover you, because the opportunity is too good to pass up. You are then drawn in, the cycle commences once more and a further “discard” will happen. You can see by the repeated nature of this process that there is no real discard, only a temporary cessation to our entanglement, but one tendril always remains wrapped around, continuing the connection so that we can draw you back in at our choice.
Even if you take steps whereby you expose us for what we are or reveal us to other people who accept what you say, we will withdraw to lick our wounds but this discard is temporary also. We still want your fuel and we want it badly. We also have a desire for revenge. We may not resume matters in a benign method when this happens and instead opt for the malign approach in order to extract fuel, but the entanglement will begin again at some future point.
We put you down but you can always be picked up again. Rest assured that this will happen repeatedly and even if you think the nature of the discard was so harsh, so savage and seemed so final, it was not. We will return, if able and do it all again.
The only true discard of our toxic entanglement is when of us dies. Only then is there finality.
62 thoughts on “‘Til Death Do Us Discard”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
HG, so if a person just accepted the narcissist for who he was, didn’t try to make the cat into a dog, didn’t take the narcissist’s behavior or projections as a personal indication of one’s worth, removed themselves with neutrality whenever the narcissist “had a tantrum” (i.e. trying to extract negative fuel), and simply enjoyed whatever the narcissist did want to share with them as long as things were positive…wouldn’t that, in theory work?
In other words, you see the narc clearly, are able to not take their behavior personally, and yet still enjoy their company if they aren’t being nasty, and remove yourself when they are.
It seems someone like this, if they didn’t need someone else to reflect their self-worth back to them, because it was solid…could just “roll with” the narcissist, and surf their waves.
Am I wrong?
No,because your removal would amount to a threat to the narcissist´s control. You cannot control that which is designed not to be controlled and you should not attempt to do so for a variety of reasons which I have explained over and over again previously. You apply GOSO.
Thank you.
HG, it seems by the time a narcissist is in his 50s, he could have a very high number of previously discarded appliances on his scrap heap. As the numbers pile up, are you saying the narcissist really goes back to hoover all of them??
There is always the potential for a hoover. Does not mean it will always happen, but there is always a risk. Other than the Three That Got Away, I have repeatedly hoovered former IPPSs.
IPSS’s get hoovered too then, if the execution criteria are met, correct?
how long typically between dis-engagement and FUH?
It depends on when there is a Hoover Trigger and when the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.
Hg would a mid ranger ever act like someone they broke up with broke up with them? Like would he say I broke off the wedding even though he did in order to get sympathy or would mid rangers always want to be seen as the one who did the dumping?
Oh absolutely.
Reblogged this on NarcMagNet69x96.
Reply; Mlaclarece, true at that… too bad for flavorless. California is a pretty big town. One would not be aware or care about narcissism, male or female. It would be over and done with at the devaluation phase. You will have other options. But then again, love is in the eye or perception of the beholder.
How difficult (as a greater) would it be to destroy a lesser? Curiousity killed the cat
Not that difficult at all.
Can you elaborate more on catfishing, post discard ?
Have you read the blog article Catfish?
HG, I already am the Master of what is…
But I do thank you for the offer.
I find your writing well described and consenting.
(There is no “reply” button to your question )
P.s In the letter he blamed everyone ACCEPT guess who … Yeah himself .. The woman nearly died as a result of his abuse ..
You disengage us. It is less icky sounding and more real meaning than discard. Maybe they should change that part of the quadrant. You are welcome DSM or whomever coined discard. Til Death then we part…that seems to rattle you…the one(s) who have died. How dare they? It makes me want to write HA! on a notecard and have it delivered at the time of my death. Heck, it almost makes me want to cause it. Not that he would be any of the reason.
Edit…It makes me want to write “HA, I died. ,,l,, sit and spin.” Now I know why N1 wanted to civilize me.
Disengage. That is exactly the right word, thank you.
You are welcome. N2 keeps trying to engage me. Got another text yesterday about some movie sequel that’s out. He was all…the first movie was excellent and the person i was with was pretty good, too I guess. The energy I’m taking reading about your kind and what to watch out for is drifting into the air, like fuel fumes. Gah!
“Disengage” may be what the N is actually doing, but it is deployed as a “Discard”. Like everything the N does, it’s intended to control how we feel, and we must feel discarded. So the disengagement is carried out as a discard. Just like the seduction is carried out as lovebombing. If we knew it wasn’t love, and only a seduction or recruitment, it wouldn’t have the same effect. So, for me… I relate to the word “Discard”, because that’s how it was on my end. I have actually used that word in my rants to him… That he “discarded me like a candy wrapper”.
Hi HG,
I have ALWAYS contacted the ex N first after a discard. He has never really had to hoover me I did it FOR him.
This time it has been 6 months, the longest ever we haven’t spoken.
I haven’t been seen, heard from, am not connected to him on social media or speaking to mutual friends.
I RAGED at him after discard in several emails. He apologized and I never spoke to him again.
I’m guessing he Believes I will come back again…(I wont) but will he not hoover me now?
Hello C, you are doing well with your instigation of no contact. As ever, the question of a hoover is regulated by whether there is a Hoover Trigger and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria is met. If those two things happen, a hoover will take place.
Does the Narc ever fall in love, or connect with someone and not want to discard them?
Every single time we target you, but our love is different to yours. We never want to disengage with you, you make it happen because of course, nothing is ever our fault.
But HOW do we make you discard us?
There is an earlier article called The Cast Off Quintet which will give you some direction on this point. Keep in mind though we never totally discard you as the above article makes clear.
intersting
If the “discard” doesn’t respond to any communication whatsoever….and discards the Narc instead…..what will happen other than the Narc being wounded? Will he/she eventually go away?
Hello SEA. If the other party effects a discard of the Narc, therefore the other party escapes the Narc is wounded. He will look to execute an Initial Grand Hoover in order to recover the victim as a primary source of fuel. If that IGH falls the N will enter chaos mode as fuel supplies dwindle and still wounded from the escape the N will have to rely on supplementary sources and find a new primary source ASAP. This means the other party will be left alone until such time as
a. The N wishes to gain hoover fuel (either benign or malign) from follow up hoovers ; and
b. Opportunity presents itself for those hoovers to be effected.
If there is no opportunity the N will remain away and focussed on others sources.
I’m watching this happen at the moment with the ex N husband of a friend . His primary source went NC after she found out what he is & he didn’t have another supply lined up.
Because he couldn’t contact her through the usual means three months down the line he wrote her a letter , in the meantime it seems he’s found a new primary source and its pretty obvious he idealising her .
You lot never give up do you HG 🙂
Nope.
Lol .. I know you don’t 🙂 but thank you again for this HG . It’s a great reminder never to let our guard down ..
Indeed.
I remember when I caught my ex both hands in the cookie jars and he told me “it could be worse, I could be dead and we would then have no chance to fix this” and I answered him “well in that case, i would have mourned you with tenderness instead of hating your guts”. Now I play dead, also dead boring if ever an unchance encounter happens. Chilling to think that peace can only occur when one is gone for good…. hopefully the Narcissist first … after you Mister N 😉
Such politeness!
Thank you HG! At what point does a narcissist leaves the appliance alone?
I suppose there are two answer to this. In one respect we will never leave you alone because we will always look to hoover and gain fuel from you at some point, it depends it opportunity knocks. In the other respect if you maintain no contact then we have no choice but to leave you alone in order to seek fuel elsewhere.
Wow, I’m beginning to understand the term appliance. I was used to the term boy/girl toy. There’s hope for others if they remain NC, the narcissist have no choice but leave the appliance alone and seek elsewhere. Or…just or.. some appliance can take it for what it is, have fun, not take the narcissist seriously, entertain other options of course and have a meaningless fling with the narcissist as long as there’s benefit for both sides. Can it be possible?
Care to try?
I forgot to add HG… wouldn’t it be a turn off or a red flag for the appliance that the narcissist does not want to engage in a romantic and intimate relationship/sex again at a certain stage per post? The appliance may very well walk away smiling if he/she discards the narcissist during devaluation period wounding him as well as due to the narcissist no interest in engaging in an intimate relationship with her/him ( red flag), go hardcore on no contact and be on her/his merry way with other suitors and options. I believe this would critically twist the inevitable for the narcissist assuming of course that the appliance does not rely on being codependent.
That would be awesome unless you also live in a smaller area and dating options are limited and you haven’t been able to meet anyone who can hold your interest. I mean, not even an issue of being too vanilla. Try flavorless…
Wow I never knew it would go so deep. Very evil and maniacal. What a waste of a life and time.
And if you could have just fallen in love with me back, all of this chaos wouldn’t exist.
Indeed Clarece, we did, but in our way, not your way.
No. You fell in lust and infatuation with your new appliance.
But what if your version is lust and infatuation and mine is love?
You only mimic love from your observations. That is why it is so fleeting for you. You definitely feel a strong connection and feel affection because our initial fuel feeds your power. You may even love that energy, but not the person.
Well put Clarece.
I would imagine when you’re targeting someone, it must be something about their vibe or personality that seems different than anyone you’ve had before but the draw is to find out how we may possibly make you feel a more powerful high. Like for instance, you have said one of the most edifying moments for you is when you can make an intimate partner cry tears of happiness from an act, a gift or something you said. I’m sure you search to find if there is another gesture that could possibly match that power feeding result. Then you’d get a 2-for-1 deal.
At some point – they leave you alone for good….
That is until you find one that is irreplaceable. Mark my words…and I am well versed in karma and she is a bitch.
I would love if it were, never found it was the case though, plenty of monsters who live well and never get back slapped :/
sounds very malignant. I guess this is correlated with the type of N..
OMG, I use those words “Toy Box” all the time. I have 2 or 3 questions. HG, what if the appliance discards the narcissist first during the devaluation phase? Will he/she get injured substantially? Lastly, what happens if both parties are narcissist? Will the head games continue and will both do the same as described to one another to up their game? Can the female narcissist do more harm to the male narcissist? Ok, that’s more than 3 questions. By the way, I have the same top the person is wearing in the above picture. I appreciate your input to the questions.
If you discard us that is a massive criticism and will wound us.
What is the scenario you are envisaging where both parties are narcissists?
I would not regard it as a case of a female being able to more harm, to my mind gender is irrelevant, it is the functioning capability that is the determining factor.
Nice top.
You are welcome.
I have used the reference many times, too. That women are not toys. It amazes me how literally “cookbook” all of these scenarios are.
Yes, I agree.
Still death doesn’t scare me- to feel alive with every emotion on a Dailey basis. That’s the biggest draw.
I so hate the numbness- it’s such a waste of time
I wonder if reading these are good for me now that I know what he is and what I have to do. I almost feel I am close to him reading these blogs.