Call of Duty
I am self-sufficient. I do not need you and therefore I do not appreciate you. I never show any thanks for what you do for me because I am entitled to it anyway. You should be doing all those things for me by reasons of being so fortunate to have someone so special as me in your life. When you give me a present, or cook a sumptuous meal or arrange a day out for me you are just fulfilling your duty. That is why I never say thank you. Instead, I will look to turn it around and suggest you are only doing it because you feel guilty about something (I won’t point to anything specific that you are guilty of because I prefer to gave you in a near permanent state of anxiety and accuse you of doing something wrong, without giving any detail, is a great way to do this). Then again, I will accuse you of selfishness as I project my own behaviour onto you. I will declare that you have only arranged the day out because you wanted to go or that you cooked the meal as it was your favourite food. Anything to diminish the gracious and pleasant thing that you have done. I cannot stand to think you can act selflessly because it reminds me so much of my complete inability to do so. You are reminding me of my weaknesses and that irritates me. In fact, it chews away at me so much that I have to try and wipe the thought away. This means I will do what I do best. Lash out at you.
How many times have you been left feeling bewildered and upset after you have tried to do something you thought I would like only for me to either shrug and barely acknowledge your kind-hearted gesture or even worse I have erupted in a rage and gone on the offensive. You are left shell-shocked. You hear yourself apologising even though you have no idea why but you are so conditioned to my behaviour, the instant apology trips off your lips before you have even had chance to think about it. You are left belittled and upset, no doubt holding the present you looked long and hard for in your hands after I threw it at you and stormed out of the room. The terrible thing is, you will keep trying to win my gratitude. It is not going to happen.
22 thoughts on “Call of Duty”
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Thank you for THIS article, HG. I am going back to the beginning of the blog and skimming forward to make sure I didn’t miss anything.
I was willing to give heart mind body and soul to someone who appreciated absolutely none of it. And I have a lot to give. I’m uber alpha all day, submissive in relationship, beautiful, smart, successful, I saved and invested wisely, I have an International job and am hired by governments to do important work around the world.
And he doesn’t think i deserve to be tasted in a loving manner?
This idea that I was in love with him is starting to fade. Yes my feelings for him were genuine, but they were so misguided.
I am now 17 days no contact, still trying not to think about him, still trying to get my emotional thinking under control.
But thank you HG. You are the ONLY writer that has helped me. You are the ONLY one to point out how dangerous it is to think about the narcissist. You have so many insights no one else shares.
Thank you doesnt say enough.
Treated in a loving manner, not tasted, lol… although that is nice too, right
Good to read and you are welcome.
Those cuffs in the picture look quite masculine. Great post HG.
Thank you.
This reminder helps tremendously…I needed to hear this today HG. Cheers!
So perfectly written. This was word by word by word by feeling 14 years of married life for me. WOW HG …
Have a nice day <3
“I cannot stand to think you can act selflessly because it reminds me so much of my complete inability to do so. You are reminding me of my weaknesses and that irritates me.”
Wow. THAT is deep. Gives you both sides of the coin, and that is why most of us are here. I like when you show the vulnerability narcissists actually have.
Yes apocalipsis I thought the same … its just showing the weakness ..
and it is indeed an excellent article. It wraps around a very deep part of the dance and not only deep but in escence a major part of it.
Agreed! I also think this creates the addiction in them towards us and prompts the endless hoovering. They can’t stand the constant reminder they can’t feel this but they also can’t stand the thought if they’ve driven us away and we stop towards them.
Great article, thank u
Pleasure.
Would you devalue a good gesture by using a third party? Example; ” my sister said it is no big deal the concert tickets you scored” or ” my sister said there are other women who will do the same for me.”
Perhaps he has an inappropriate relationship with his sister. It seemed she was always there.
Indeed in the appropriate circumstances. That is triangulation and something we regularly do.
Thank you for responding.
Would that be a clue to a relationship with her that might be “to close for comfort?”
He also used his ex and his new gf too.
My therapist said he would cut me lose due to my pushing back and not catering to him.
After reading almost all your books, I can see he is not high level enough to control me. Our very last encounter of his trying to devalue me, I actually laughed and he really got upset. It was my pleasure to watch.
It certainly can be regarded as an indicator but I would put it no higher than that. Thank you for reading and it seems you need to keep laughing as well.
Getting up early on a Sunday morning and coming downstairs to cook a nice breakfast while he sleeps off the major drunkfest from the night before, since he hasn’t eaten since lunch the day before… The look of total confusion and disgust when he comes down, and a “Why did you do this? Great. Now if I don’t eat it, it’s just gonna hurt your feelings and you’re gonna get all upset, and it’s gonna ruin everything that was going so well. Why do you put me on the spot like that?” And then I scramble around, apologizing and insisting I wouldn’t get upset, and asking him why he couldn’t just nicely say “Awe, thanks babe… I’m sorry but my stomach doesn’t feel well enough to eat. Looks good, though :)”… And then “See there, I knew you were just ready to try and make me look like an asshole some way.” Yeah. Sure. (As I try to swallow the lump in my throat, eyes are getting misty, and he’s huffing and puffing his way out the door.)
Anything nice I do is because I feel guilty…my mother says that. And in the rare event she does something nice, I ask what she’s buttering me up for. And we continue to glare at each other from our towers.
is she a narcissist?
Revengestar, she’s a narcissistic borderline personality
i am sorry to hear that. I hope you are low contact/no contact with her 🙁
We’re…we tolerate each other (from separate houses)