The Spheres of Influence (And What to Do About Them)
There are numerous factors which govern whether we will attempt to hoover you post-escape or post-discard. Some of these factors determine the style of the hoover, whether it will be malign or benign and also how often the attempts will be made. There are several considerations which have a material impact on whether a hoover will occur and one of the most significant ones is the sphere of influence and your relationship to it.
Imagine if you will, me. Now I know you do this often as your guilty little secret but we haven’t got time for that at the moment. Here I am sat at home, or in the office, or walking between bars. Let us take an instance of me being in a bar. What is my sphere of influence? To be accurate there are actually several. They vary in applicability and range. The first is the physically proximate sphere, namely those who are within earshot. That is the closest sphere of influence and unsurprisingly the most dangerous for you. It is within this sphere of influence when the full range of charismatic and magnetic charms can be deployed in order to pull you back into my influence. Anybody who I can speak to or listen to, be sat with, or dine with, stand next to or be near is in this sphere of influence.
The second sphere is the eye line sphere. This is the sphere where I can see you or you can see me. We may be across the street, on the other side of a field, up in an office, walking across a plaza, across from you on the piste. If we can see you or you can see us, then you are in this sphere. I may not be able to communicate with you other than to shout or wave but it remains a sphere of influence. Accordingly, this is why when we seek to hoover somebody we may not be able to speak directly with them but we can position ourselves stood across from your house on the other side of the street or waiting across the square from where you leave work.
The third sphere of influence is our reach through our coterie and our lieutenants. Whether these people are our friends (inner or outer circle), colleagues, minions or family, if they operate as our lieutenants or our coterie they form part of a sphere of influence. If you speak to these people (therefore operate in their first sphere) or they see you or you see them (therefore in the second sphere) you are caught within my third sphere of influence. Rest assured that news of your appearance in the spheres of my lieutenants and my coterie will be relayed to me. This may be in person, by telephone, text or e-mail message, but the news will reach me. This also allows me to send information to you by proxy as my coterie and lieutenants tells you about what I am doing, who I am with and so on and so forth.
The fourth sphere of influence is our reach through the telephone. I do not mean by text messages or FB messenger but actually speaking on the telephone. Whilst we may be thousands of miles from you, unseen and not physically proximate at all, the fact you are speaking to us allows us to extend our reach in an effective way through the use of the telephone. Facetime and Skype and similar applications fall within this sphere as well.
Next there is the fifth sphere of influence which manifests through the sending of text messages, e-mails, letters, notes wrapped around bricks thrown through your window, smoke signals etc. There is no actual speaking to one another. There is no third party involved. There is no physical proximity. This is the fifth sphere.
Finally, there is the sixth sphere of influence which is my mind. You may pop up in my mind for no reason whatsoever. It might be I hear a song which reminds me of you or I walk past where you used to live and I reminded of you. In all other respects I have deleted you from my mind post discard or post escape but then something happens, either triggered by something or just a random recall and there you are, in my mind and in my thoughts and therefore you have entered the sixth sphere of influence.
Following your escape or your discard we will operate all five of these spheres in an attempt to hoover you. Once you appear in any or all of these spheres of influence this will encourage us to effect a hoover (bearing in mind other factors as well which I will detail on a separate occasion). Thus if you have been effecting no contact and then I see you on a bus travelling along the high street, you have entered my second sphere of influence. You have come to my attention. You are on my radar. This may cause me to wave at you and get your attention or run along the road to catch up with the bus and board it so I can bring you into my first sphere. I may be minded then to make efforts to contact you in some other fashion, but the fact you have sailed close to me, appeared in my sphere does two things.
One, it alerts me to you. I may have been distracted with other sources of fuel but you entering my sphere of influence makes you game for a hoover.
Two, it awakens the mixture in you, that addictive quality that we imbue in you through our nefarious seduction of you, which then causes various memories to awaken inside of you, thoughts and feelings which make you vulnerable to our overtures once again.
Thus we will then look to hoover you. We are reminded of you and this calls into mind the potent hoover fuel that is on offer. Secondly you are at a heightened risk of the hoover succeeding because of the effects of the mixture that lurks inside of you, placed there by us some time ago when we seduced you.
Sometimes we seek to draw you into our sphere of influence. If we wait around outside where we know you work, we are trying to draw you into our sphere of influence. More often however it is you that enters our sphere of influence, either deliberately or inadvertently.
For example, you may decide you need to return some of our property and you call round to drop it off. You have entered our first sphere of influence through this act and you will be hoovered. Alternatively, it is late at night and we are on your mind (but you are not on ours) and you cannot help but send a text asking us how we are doing. By doing this you have entered our fifth sphere of influence. Any step or act which brings you to our attention, whether in person, on the ‘phone, through others or through technology is you entering our sphere of influence and triggering a likely hoover.
You of course can influence how many of these spheres of influence operate with regard to you. Stay out of our way and ensure that we do not know where to find you and you will prevent spheres one and two from working. Ensure that you are never mentioned to our friends and that you avoid any contact with those who are our lieutenants and our coterie and you destroy the third sphere. Avoid that temptation to ring us and you destroy the fourth. Ensure you never message us, do not send e-mails or even an application request and the fifth sphere is countered. The only one which you have no influence over is the sixth sphere. You may just pop into our minds from time to time and there is nothing that you can do about that. You should draw some slight comfort however from the fact that post escape and post discard, if you have survived the initial grand hoover then there you will not pop into our minds that often. We will have eradicated you from our mind and be focusing on alternative sources of fuel. There remains a risk of a hoover (that is why we never truly go away) because of this sixth sphere of influence, but the risk is reduced. Liken the spheres to zones which if you stay out of you do not alert us to your presence and do not activate the mixture. Step inside one and you trigger the risk of a hoover for the reasons outlined above. Your aim to ensure that you remain free of post-discard and post-escape hoovers is to know these spheres of influence exist and to stay away from them. Of course we make it harder than you think to do so, but that is a different matter for discussion.
51 thoughts on “The Spheres of Influence (And What to Do About Them)”
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How on earth do I evade the spheres as the Mother of his two young children (5&6)??
1. We see one another on handover of children.
2. We use text only to communicate child based stuff – arrangements for contact and photographs of their experiences and achievements.
3. I am still friends with his sister in law – and his NS sister works in our children’s school.
4. His NS lives 2 streets from me and he is frequently there rather than over an hour away where he lives?
(I already cancelled my Gym Membership as he goes there when he visits)
How to I get myself out of these spheres in these instances?
Thanks
You use this https://narcsite.com/how-to-co-parent-with-a-narcissist/
You cannot stay out of the sixth sphere (hence there is always a risk of being hoovered) but there is much you can do, to reduce the risk of hoovering actually occurring. There is always a risk, but this does not mean you will be hoovered. If you need further assistance, organise a consultation.
HG,
Thank you for this. I am dealing with the second and third sphere right now. My ex discarded me after parading the women in front of me like a prize. Stupid me was dating my neighbor. He is supposed to be moving , however, told one of his lieutenants (i didn’t realize that she was one until I read this article) that he may not be moving. He continues to be outside when I have to walk my dog essentially making me a hermit at times. Flaunting his new supply. I bought myself flowers to make my self feel better and they were my favorite and a great deal at the store. He started amping up his hoover bringing his new supply to his place for almost a week. Thank you for this article. I have went no contact and even won’t let him see me. I have the blinds pulled. I am worried he will hoover and try to contact. Is there anything else I can do short of moving?
Karen
Hello Karen,
I can address how you can reduce the risk of him hoovering you and explain to you what level of risk you face with regard to being hoovered by receiving more information from you and therefore I recommend that you organise a consultation so I can help you.
If the narcissist would discover me much more beautiful than ever, with a better socio-economic position (in the future) would he idealize me again? What would he feel?
If you are asking me, should I make myself more beautiful and achieve a higher income will this attract my narcissist?
The answer is
1. You should not be focussed on such matters because
a. That person is a narcissist and therefore you should GOSO,
b. You cannot control the narcissist therefore you should not try
c. Further engagement results in The Devil´s Pitchfork
d. The narcissist may well idealise you again, their return is based on their being a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met (the issue of beauty and socio-economic matters are class traits (see Sitting Target) and form ONLY PART of the Hoover Execution Criteria.
In essence Ale, do not look to get the narcissist interested because you are not guaranteed to achieve it and if you do so, you will regret it. If you need further assistance understanding this (I suspect your emotional thinking is impacting on you, then do organise a consultation with me).
I was a side chick. I caught him cheating but am still addicted. I see him thru work at least once a week. He has gone silent thru text. I know he is in process of changing primary supply. I want to continue relationship. How do I do this?
You are being conned by your emotional thinking into wanting the relationship to continue. This is not in your best interests. You cannot make the relationship continue and nor should you. You require assistance through a consultation and I direct you to the menu bar in that regard.
I left for over a month, although sad I finally was feeling less depressed…..he had been seeing another(s) for almost 9 months. He never wanted to be intimate/sex/nothing…he didn’t want me around, but he didn’t want to break up either…. I kept asking, “are we done.” He would say “no, change your attitude, there is no one else, it’s the way you act, who would be attracted to that.”
Eventually I caught him cheating…left him…but the 6th sphere happened and I made contact first….He agreed to go to counseling with me and it helps….they call him out on things and he seems curious…I can confront him and he doesn’t walk away as I think he wants the counselor to see him in a better light…..Anyway, my question is: I sometimes wonder if I am the narc as I feel like I tried to get back together with him and he seemed quite content without me…..secondly, if I’m not the problem, do you think counseling can truly change the cheating…..that is his pattern….there’s always at least one or three others he’s talking to…..and at least one is always his old ex…..who dies whatever he says. He sears to the counselor and me that he realizes he was wrong……but just the other day….in a minor argument he made a comment…..I had again asked if he was truly trying to stay faithful…..and he said, ” If you continue acting this way, I will go elsewhere again for attention that is not going to fight with me all the time.”
Sorry….this is a mess of info and questions.
Thanks
Welcome LOWW. I would recommend you consult with me, I can get more information from you and thus I can help you more extensively.
Thanks for this article.
How difficult would you say it is to escape from a narcissist coworker, given that I am in the first sphere Monday to Friday from 9 to 5? (note that I was never involved romantically with the narcissist, but I was an important and reliable source of fuel for quite some time as he was lacking an intimate relationship). I am trying to implement a “no contact” of sorts, meaning “professional contact only” – this may be naive but it has been yielding some positive results so far. Reading this article I know I am in a very dangerous spot, but I would like to know your thoughts on this.
Thanks.
You are welcome John. When dealing with a co-worker there are a range of options
1. Leave and find a job elsewhere.
2. Move within the organisation to effect no contact more effectively.
3. Remain in situ and manage the situation to apply no contact as far as possible.
There are a range of measures which can be used with regards to 3 (which tends to be where most people find themselves) and I can assist you with those through consultation.
Interesting comments and I fully agree with the 6 spheres of influence. I got discarded 2 months ago because I sent a reminder to my ex to transfer some money to my account. I was told I was ungentlemanly and rude for making such a request.
My ex used to regularly mastubate and encourage me to join her. This was a regular thing and how sex was initiated!
During a time of discard to get me back she would invite me to join her in bed for the day (I guess this was to reactivate the golden period). Has anyone else been hoovered like this?
I have to say I’m quite happy I’ve been discarded as I’m having normal healthy sex again with someone I met out and it’s great!
My advice to anyone is stay off the radar!!
Ugh, so annoying that it will have to me that breaks the no contact at some point. I left a month ago, decided couldn’t stand it anymore on the Friday, rallied the troops on the Saturday, and got as much of my stuff out of his house on the Sunday as possible. I do have to go back at some point for the rest (and some of it is the sentimental stuff up in the loft, tools etc which have been swallowed up into the ‘joint’ workshop, things that will take some time to sort).
He disappeared before the troops arrived on the big day (no surprises there then). He even had the gall to tell me that as I would be taking the T.V, to get them to bring the big old telly down from upstairs for him (because he had a bad back….lol). I’m sure he’s getting lots of lovely thought fuel about the fact that he won’t have to do a thing and It’ll be me getting back in touch with him. Damn damn damn!
Trouble is, although I’m not in ‘active’ contact with him, I don’t want give him any reason to justify being an arsehole about things, so I daren’t do anything that’s an obvious criticism, like unfriend on facebook, even though I want to… because it’s holding me back, and I want to forget all about him!
Do you have any sage advice on the best way to approach this HG?
Would I be stuck in his sixth sphere of influence if he has a new Dirty Little Secret?
Depends whether you are the IPPS or an IPSS, whether there is a fuel or malice obsession.
I was a Dirty Little Secret myself but wised up on his masturbation obsession which was effecting our sex life. Of course he denied it and told me that the only thing he wanted to do was to hurt me. Then immediate i was devalued and discarded. Soon after I noticed his attempts of hacking. This seem to have become daily occurences in the past 2 months. Hardly a day missed, although I am in NC for 3 months now. Hence the my question. Why am I stuch in his 6th sphere if he has a new shiny toy or has he not?
The main cause for being stuck in our sixth sphere is as a consequence of a malice of fuel obsession.
What is to be expected if the account he is trying to hack is going to be cancelled in a short while? Will that remove me from his 6th sphere where I am definitely stuck? What can I expect afterwards? Thanks…
Unless there is some other reasons for the fuel or malice obsession, the cancellation of that account is likely to cause your removal.
Who cares what sphere you are in! As long as he is leaving you alone you should be happy!
It’s as if you are hoping he contacts you so he can hurt you all over again……idealize, devalue and discard!
Why would you even want someone who could hurt you again in your life?
When he comes and he will sooner or later, just ignore him and he will feel worthless until he finds a new source of supply!
Can you also elaborate on malice of fuel obsession?
Please see the article Why Won’t He Leave Me Alone?
I have been stuck in the 6th sphere for months. I thought if I send him a message asking him how he was might change things. It did not, since I am still stuck. He is giving me the silent treatment, since he does not seem to have blocked me. What’s his aim? Why am I stuck still?
If he is giving you a silent treatment CK, that tends to suggest he is not hoovering you and therefore there are no Hoover Triggers so you are not stuck in the 6th sphere. Perhaps you could expand on why you perceive that you are stuck in the 6th sphere and thus causing hoover triggers (which then result in executed hoovers)? Given the detail required, I would advocate you do so through a personal consultation so I can provide you with the fullest response to assist you.
I was the Dirty Little Secret. If he de-engaged with me and has no one on the side for sex, does he start having sex with the IPPS again?
That may well happen as part of a Respite Period, CK, yes.
How long does the Respite Period last? Until he finds somebody else for sex?
Hello CK, the Respite Period varies, it can be a few weeks sometimes a few months and is dependent on fuel provision as opposed to finding somebody for sex. Of course, sex is a prime method of drawing fuel and is of relevance, but it is the fuel which is the determining factor.
Thank you HG! So is it possible for him to survive without another source of fuel (sex) for a long period of time (years) without having an IPSS or a DLS? This is what he claimed.. If he knows what he is, which category does he fall into? Can he still be a Greater?
Some of our kind, dependent on their cadre, need not have another sexual partner (or one at all) so long as there are sufficient appliances in the fuel matrix and this depends on a whole host of factors as to how that fuel matrix is composed.
H. G.
When you are contacted through the 5th sphere, is this not a cowards way to hoover? Why not the telephone? Are they somehow expecting a response from the text and when not received just give up? When information is not forthcoming because I do not communicate with anyone my narc knows, is a hoover more frightening because they do not know what to expect?
Thanks again and Happy Valentines Day-thanks to you and all you have taught me, I did not fall for the “text” trap and will continue learning from you so I can maintain “no Contact” and “no Response”
So it does not matter if it was a discard or an escape? It is solely dependent on the hoover trigger?
Yes.
Let me note, that this post is basically saying you need to formulate your life around the narcissist. Whereas I have closed the spheres that I can (blocked texts, social media, removed his immediate family online ((with a polite explanation first of course)) and his immediate spies) we do have about 30 mutual friends within the artistic community that I’m just not going to delete.
This is very important as well: I am a musician living in a musical town. He is as well. My social media presence, connections, and general ‘outness’ around town is integral to my goals. To fade out completely is the antithesis of what I want to do in music. As I am in the public eye, and desire to be so as per the level of work I want to do, I cannot afford to cower away. I also think this would be allowing him to win.
I have been avoiding his locations, however last night he brought a very ugly woman to a show he clearly knew I’d be at. A band he didn’t know about, that I mentioned I loved. I do believe he did it on purpose.
Now being a musician and not having the luxury of fading out of all spheres due to the nature of that pursuit and artistic unions with mutual friends (which he will likely see our joint art posted) what advice have you for me?
If you respond, I’d be inclined to thank you in advance…
So in a sense, we may be on your mind too as in the event of a hockey great’s death or a movie or some random thing. As you said in a previous post…you never left our minds. It kind of sounds like a little bit of likewise.
On the flips side here, it is you who is always talking/ ruminating about the women you’ve ‘conquered’. So that 6th sphere of yours is in constant motion. How else would you be able to articulate what it is that is expected from a target? After all, it’s the same dance, same song, different instrument. Just like a narcissist is very predictable once you know the signs, so are these appliances of yours. Fortunately for you, the brilliance you believe you have only works on certain types. You admit yourself that you couldn’t/ wouldn’t get in the ring with a more formidable opponent, right? It’s like shooting fish in a barrel, and yet you pound your chest like it’s some great victory.
Nevertheless, HG, thank you for stripping the mask off for us. Sam Vaknin tries, but really doesn’t deliver the evil that you do.
😖😖😖😖 very mean
..it’s not like we’re talking to a choir boy here, babe. ( I see you have a soft spot for him…. do you have any idea what he would do to that spot of yours?!)
I have many ideas yes 😋😊
HG, so to completely shut the door as permanently as possible, one must hardcore perform a NC? No email, text, etc. No form of communication. Erased from the feelings and mind. No contact with mutual friends. Stay away from places you know the narcissist may be galavanting in? Only then, the appliance may be in safety fully escaped and the narcissist may ignore , walk away to other resources. If so, the appliance ought to be able to move on, have fun getting to know their options in their golden period. It would be Hot fuel for them.
Correct. People often make the mistake of sending a friendly text or maybe an e-mail seeking some kind of closure, do that and you have appeared in our sphere and we will train our sights back around on to you.
And I can’t pass my mother’s spheres of influence (I get sucked in every single time). Just as I’m sure there are people who try and avoid my spheres of influence.
I always enjoy what you have to say Cara
Same here… Sometiems its very funny.
I sent my ex some pictures about 5 months post discard. They were from our last trip together, but only of him. Photos of himself are his favorite thing, and were tucked in a pleasant card. I dont get it. We are talking about someone who has paintings of himself hanging all over in the house; someone who has posted over 4, 000 facebook selfies. I received no response at all….H.G, what gives? Not that it matters anymore (it doesn’t) I’m just perplexed.
He was/is evidently busy with a new primary source of fuel, who is most likely a portrait artist who has him in prolonged sittings as she paints him as if astride Marengo in Napoleon Crossing the Alps.
haha
Wow, 14 months is a long time for someone who hits their head and is allergic to showers. I’m guessing there were several people, as every few months I received unknown clusters of calls/facebook/skype messages and that app request. A friend also stumbled upon a post where he cried “waah, why don’t I have any friends?,” and reasserted his right to be a downer. Lol. I must be a last resort as none of this triggered contact. At least someone like you (a greater) is intelligent and successful; to be looked down on by THAT is quite an ego wound. I admit it. I wouldn’t feel bad anymore to watch him go down
Now that little sphere is truly beautiful and mesmerizing.
If I was to come upon such a sphere, I don`t think I could pass without gently picking it up so I could relish its perfection. Oh, just as I thought! It`s so beautiful and crystal clear! My, my…..
I would run my fingers over it, caressing its smoothness and absolute clarity. I would be captivated as it sat expectantly in my small open palm.
And I know I would never be disappointed with what I would see reflecting back at me from inside that gorgeous sphere. Right in the middle is where I`d want to be.
Thanks for that explanation 😘😘. Very good as always 💝
Agreed! It was an excellent article