Not Picking Up
During one session Dr E and I talked about relationships and friendships. More about that on another occasion. This discussion did however cause him to make an observation at our next session. He said to me
“You gather friends and lover very easily.” I thanked him for that and offered, without him needing to ask, that some of us have a natural magnetism. He nodded but I sensed that this was not what he actually wanted to talk about. I waited and he continued.
“You also end friendships and relationships after comparatively short periods of time.”
Before I could challenge him about what clearly was an attack, he pressed on.
“What interests me however is why you feel the need to reconnect with these people you have so readily cast aside, once again. Perhaps you could explain that to me.”
After due consideration (actually I was thinking about adding to my collection of whiskies but it does no harm does it to make Dr E think I am taking his question very seriously since he is a very serious man) I gave him my answer. I explained that I need to know that I remain appealing to them and that they will admire me once again. Sometimes it is because they have something that I want. He asked for an example. I said that one friend was a newspaper columnist and I wanted him to write-up a product I was promoting so I made contact with him once again to ensure that he would do this for me. I expressed contrition for me failure to keep in touch (I blamed a girlfriend for being jealous and controlling) and he accepted my explanation and happily wrote the article I requested. I’ve not spoken to him since. Dr E asked if it was necessary for them to provide me with something tangible such as money or a place to stay. I said I had both of those so I would not be seeking those out. I did offer that I have the repeated need to feel powerful and if I can regain their admiration after the way I got rid of them, then that makes me feel especially powerful. I also confirmed that I see it as a personal challenge. I need to know I can extract some more juice from them so that’s why I look to rope them back in. Dr E asked if anybody had every evaded my attempts at drawing somebody back in again. I nodded and confirmed just one person. Dr E sat up with an interested expression.
“Do you know how this person evaded you?”
“Yes,” I answered, “she died.”
27 thoughts on “Not Picking Up”
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appealing…how can You not be? Ah…
How did she died? Illness? Or…. What happened to her?
I have been reading from several sites, all of which are very informative, but your words from your perspective have been the most valuable and helpful for me, because they validate me and the suspicions I had by the third year of my relationship, it was five total. (I was the OW for much of the relationship, but the lies and future fakes and lovesex kept me there.) You pinpoint all of it in all of its tangible details, down to precise words and actions and looks, use of music, feelings invoked, etc. All of the phases were exactly as you describe them, I went through several preliminary discards and made so many attempts to break it off but was hoovered back every time. As soon as I became the primary, I discovered that there were dating sites and successful hoovers of the previous and new flirtations, etc. Within weeks of my final escape (three months ago) the new source was recruited. I didn’t know until after I was successfully hoovered and discarded a couple times since, then discovered the new source. This was his way of claiming the discard, of course, so that I was not in charge of the end. Also, triangulation must always be ever-present, and I was intended to serve that purpose with the new source. I told her everything, blew the lid off it, hoping this would prevent any more hoover attempts for me. But he (of course) seduced her back. It was quiet for me for over three weeks (which meant I had the last word) until this recent hoover attempt night before last, out of the blue. It surprised me, because the new source appears to be gleefully in place… but then I realized it was about 1) triangulation (always), and 2) the attempt to reclaim control of his relationship with me even though it is over (technically, on paper… I realize it is never really “over”, I will just get stronger at maintaining control). Anyway, sorry for the lengthy post… you of all people know where that comes from. We empaths are just as classic 🙂 For sure, I owe my recent WIN directly to you. I actually had some snippets of your blog saved on my phone, at the ready, and read them during the interaction. Go figure… The ultimate master N is doing a good thing for others, lol! Love it!
Thank you for your post Sherry, a familiar tale of manipulation. I am pleased you have found my writing useful in determining what has been going on. It is not always to everybody’s taste but you are not going to get the reality explained to you in such an accessible way anywhere else. You evidently have a clear grasp of what has happened and why, no doubt dealing with processing the emotional fallout from your encounter which always takes longer. Thank you for taking the time to detail your experience.
Much thanks to you HG. I have been reading for a couple weeks now, and educating myself. I survived a text hoover last night in the wee hours of the morning. I’ve been no contact for almost a month, but because of our close proximity and large circle of mutual friends, and because he is a lesser N and not aggressive, I did reply and converse, but showed absolutely no emotion, positive nor negative, and remained generic and polite, and ended it quickly. Gray Rock, I’ve heard it called. I remained in control of the situation, and I still feel in control today. Of course I’m sure you will say that it was still a successful hoover, because even though it didn’t result in anything tangible, it awakened the thought of him in my mind, and that in and of itself counts as an investment in potential future fuel for him. But I still feel like it was a win for me, because I was able to go right back to sleep and not shed a tear.
Hello Sherry, thank you for your kind words. All he will have got from the hoover is that you responded and therefore there is some encouragement that if he tries again you may do so again. The fact that you did not provide any fuel though means kudos to you and if he tries again and you respond in a similar manner(if unable to ignore him) then he will start to realise he is not getting what he wants from you and therefore he is likely to move on to someone else.
The fact that you felt that it was a win and recognised how it might not be from his perspective shows how you have progressed.
Has anyone alive evaded you?
Yes
That is surprising.
Lol Nikki you would always be by HG side. That’s a true statement of wills. I would always be throwing questions at HG and having him research. He would not have time for me!!
I consider myself a huge empath. However I can only feel other people’s pain. I am blocked from all other emotions.
I will ponder the thought that it’s the type of people that I draw. That could very well be. I do not have boundaries and will take a considerable amount before I break. Thank you.
Nothing less than a Shakespearean tragedy!
Ohh me I would never want to leave your side… 😍
HG
Do you find that keeping friendships is exhausting?
I don’t devalue or hurt people but I will just disappear. I do it all the time. I don’t like saying good byes at functions I slip away. I do the same in a friendship. I have every intention of keeping them but I simple find them to draining for me. I mention this in therapy and always get a puzzled look. It’s a look like we should all want a few close friends. Why don’t I. Well I find them exhausting and to much work.
Hello SII, no I do not because those friendships invigorate and edify me through the provision of fuel.
Perhaps the people you are friends with are always taking from you and this is what exhausts you? Is there anything in particular that they do which you find draining?
Soaking – do you consider yourself an empath? I only ask because much of the research I have done, in addition to empaths I know in real life, complain about this often.
Apparently, for some empaths, relationships can be difficult or dissatisfying, because they tend to tune in to what the other person needs and then lose themselves in the process. They sometimes give a lot of themselves and may not get what the require in return.
On the other hand, it can also be draining being friends with people who require constant attention, constant reassurance, constant shoulders to lean or cry on, etc.
The expectations others place upon you – to listen to them when they need you, to be there for them, to call them just to say hello and check in, etc. That can also be very draining. Some people thrive on it and others don`t. If you don`t, then yes, it can be incredibly draining.
Like HG said, perhaps the people in your life are taking, taking, taking and giving you nothing in return?
This is the aspect of friendship I find draining – the constant demands on my own time and resources when often, I simply don`t want to give up my time and or expend my resources.
I enjoy relationships that are mutually beneficial and built upon mutual understanding and respect. Example – I prefer to be around likeminded people because then neither of us have unrealistic expectations of the other – we will get together when we want to and the rest of the time, we will do our thing without any expectation.
Once people start expecting things of me that I am not willing to give, they will find I do not give in to the expectation, I simply disappear.
So you’re saying death is the only escape. Interesting. I sometimes think my death would be my only escape from my mother, but other times I think if I actually do die before her, it’s no escape…SHE will choose my burial clothes, make funeral arrangements (and she’ll give me a Catholic funeral while I never have been a believer).
HG, in romantic relationships. Why keep women in your repartoire for years upon years, is this only to Hoover them unexpectendly and for what reason, the same as cited above, to ensure they are still attaracted/ interested in you In some manner?
I used it say my boyfriend fb friend list was a veritable Rolodex of potential hoovers, he was a people hoarder. He kept all women who discarded him Persay and ones In which he deemed of no use for now. He felt it was bad form to remove someone needlessly. Now I know why, I didn’t then. You have duly schooled me, Mr Tudor.
Regarding your last statement. She died. Were you not to write a book or article regarding this relationship? I am sure it must be terribly difficult for you. I recall the very first post I read on your blog back in February called…You Said We Would Always Be Together. My apologies if I recalled title wrongly. I can vividly recall reading that post and how your words painted a beautiful imagery in my mind of joy, love, companionship and then saddness and sorrow. For me I felt my childhood in that post and I felt yours, as well. It was the first I read and it still remains strong with me. I feel as your last statement may be related to that blog post.
Will you let your readers know about this person In Your life? Have they been discussed through your therapy? As an aside, have you reposted that article since I read it in February. If not, it would be a lovely read again. It shows such lightness and humanity to your persona.
Everybody remains in the repertoire for a hoover. The reason is primarily for the delicious hoover fuel. Reasons of revenge and punishment may also be applicable.
There is no need to strike someone from the list as there is always something that can be obtained from them at a later stage given the right circumstances.
Yes there is more to come but the person referred to in Not Picking Up and You Said We Would.. are two different people.
I haven’t re-posted the aforementioned article but I suspect I will at some point, thank you for your kind words.
Will I let people know about these two people? Eventually yes, it was the good doctors are driving me towards.
Okay, I actually wasn’t certain if you were referring to the same person. Thank you for clarifying. I had hoped it wasn’t someone from your childhood who has passed away. That article was so touching and heartfelt.
Thank you.
I’d like to hear more about the two different people. Is that still a thing?
I just had an aha moment HG. Thank you for posting this deep sea.
He did say to me that his goal was to have me fall in love with him to prove he was “worthy” because he had gone through a lot of crap, but he had no intentions of ever loving me back. He was, for the first time, being very honest.
I remember the first time we were meeting in person, he walked towards me and in my mind I asked if I was attracted to him and naturally recoiled. It surprised him and I actually felt repulsed. But I talked myself right into it. Truth be known, it was my innate instinct that he was a monster and I ignored it all.
If I got a call he met a demise, I would smile. Lucky for him it was only six months he was able to torture me. Hell has no furry as a women scorned. Especially one that has a few narcissistic tendencies too. I have started my physiological warfare with select reading material. It is nice it goes to a small post office. The woman who gives out the mail knows everyone in the town. 🙂 All harmless fun.
He is blocked on my end and I resist and resist it more.
When you choose to recycle, what type of discarded fuel source brings you the most desired supply? Romantic, professional? Are there sources that provide a greater fulfillment either by intensity of the supply, ease of aquisition so as to quickly replenish depleted fuel or do you revel in the degree of difficulty in obtaining the recycled supply? I am assuming you distinguish between recycling out of necessity for supply and supply you manipulate for a specific external purpose unrelated to filling your narcissistic tank. Or do you get the same high from all supplies?
The intimate partner who has been hovered tops the fuel chain. Have a read of Fuel for more on this.
The effect of the fuel differs by reason of the type of fuel and who is providing it, again Fuel examines this in greater detail.
In terms of drawing someone to us in the first place and also by way of a hoover we essentially do so for three reasons. 1 – fuel. 2 – to purloin characteristics and attributes to add to the construct and 3. – residual benefits (we can borrow money from you, you provide us with a roof over our heads)