Why Haven’t I Heard From Him?
The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded. Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?
When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –
- If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
- If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
- Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
- Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
- Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.
Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.
- If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
- We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
- We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
- The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.
In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.
Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.
In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.
There are three points to bear in mind.
The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.
The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.
The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.
Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,
“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”
45 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From Him?”
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Are you saying I can’t get the piggy to market? Oh pooh…
He might have stayed at home. And had some roast beef.
This is an excellent informatiom also.. But after having been in this blog for so long, the last questiom that I have is the last sentence in here 😢😢😢.
Not answering is the key.. He tries from time to time amd I receive an email from an account … No way . Its like putting the hands on the red stove… And besides I have A new dream 😍😍😍😍😍
You know what to look for now Nikita and you know what to do.
Thanks to you 💞💞💝
1jaded…what happened when you broke NC?
Hi twinkletoes, I broke it in a moment of weakness, after years. Autumn is a special time of the year and I notified him that my bil, his nemesis, died. He and bil hated each other. Nothing happened for 2 months. Then during Christmas season he does a ding dong ditch at my moms, he knew I was there, and left a generous monetary gift to my sister and a note saying he wanted back into my family.
I ignored him and told sis if she wanted to resume contact it was up to her. Then 3 weeks or so ago, Gordie Howe died and ex texted me. Then he texted again last week to talk about a sequel that came out and how he saw the first one with someone okay (me). I found HGs blog around the end of May and he has really educated me.
It isn’t easy, but you will break free.
Thank you for sharing that! How long were you two together?
You are welcome. Several ways to answer this. As a couple, 13 years. Mentally, I checked out around year 10 (extenuating circumstances helped). As fuel fumes, another 8. The last time we saw each other was 2008 (go technology). I moved 300 miles away due to job, while we were together. It makes things easier, bc he can’t just up and do a drive by. Not everyone has that option, I get it. The thing that’s scary is that HG is a SME and says the only way out is death. I hope that is wrong.
You can escape this. If you are able, start from the start of this blog. As you get more into current, you will see reposts. They are good refreshers. I hope you find peace.
So true. And another example of how you never leave us. You may disengage, but some whiff of fumes will remind you. It really is a vicious circle. Does the thought that we may never ask that question again at a point in time annoy you? That means we moved on. Every day that I don’t hear from him is a good day. I broke NC and that’s on me and thanks to you, I will never do so again. I hope he points his vacuum hose in another direction, forever…although i perish the thought of that poor girl who gets it in my place.
The comments are as informative as the post and funny too. I laughed out loud at the thought of you becoming Tubby for your readership. So sweet of you.
Does a failure to ever ask “Why haven’t I heard from him” annoy us? Not especially since we will be doing our best to ensure that you hear from us anyway. I am pleased I have provided you with some resolve.
HG,
In my scenario sometimes narc knows, sometimes doesn’t. If he does know, it triggers hoover, if doesn’t know I still win. Cuz I’m with someone else or i can reverse hoover him or manipulate him to hoover me back. Yes I believe that a Narcissist can be beat at their own game. If you can’t beat them join them. I was empath in the beginning now I turned tables and became predator. You didn’t see that coming did you? I played the submissive, showered u with fuel, got u to propose and poof! U were left like WTF? Because it’s so much funner when we play chess. Thoughts?
You are a scoundrel and you would not get away with that with me!
Ya, but am I your favorite scoundrel? lie to me…..I promise I’ll believe…..lie to me…..but please don’t leave. I’m bored.
Of course you are my favourite scoundrel. My scoudrelly than anyone I have ever known.
Yes HG, but the difference is he is an lesser (I wouldn’t attempt it with a greater).
Was discarded, however completely exposed Tubby to valued lieutenant. Resulting shame caused him to split even psycho black for a while. Pretty sure psycho shared with everyone but they are friends again. If you were Tubby (that is, much less functional, attractive and hygienic) What would work sphere of influence wise?
Hi Twinkletoes, do you mean if I was Tubby (the things I do for you delightful readers!) what would I do in terms of getting you in to my sphere of influence or do you mean in terms of keeping him out of your spheres of influence?
Door #3: Hoovering him.
Hi HG, I understand that a narcisissist will have the primary and supplemental fuel (sounds like a vitamin). Will a narcissist get jealous if the appliance decided to be with multiple narcissist partners during the devaluation and discard stage? If so and not all, what type of a narcissist would? Lesser, mid, somatic and cerebral-elite?
Hello Leilani, now there’s an unusual question. I seriously doubt that any appliance would decide to be with multiple narcissist partners at the same time for four reasons. The first is that this would suggest infidelity which whilst not impossible is less likely to occur with an empathic individual who is a love devotee. The second is that the victim would be trying to make things work with their sole narcissist and not look elsewhere. Thirdly, the narcissist just would not allow this to happen. Fourthly, the victim would not invite further abuse on top the abuse already being suffered.
The only situation where I could envisage that happening would be where the victim is ensnared by a narcissist (not knowing they have been so ensnared by such a person) and whilst they are being devalued they seek solace in the arms of another who happens to be another narcissist (again the victim does not know and finds sanctuary in the seduction). If the first narcissist learned of this happening then he or she would be hugely jealous irrespective of school and/or cadre.
HG,
What if victim is flipping between predator/victim roles. Maybe she’s victim with narcissist and predator to other men during devalue stage? Thus attempting to master the relationship with N?
I would be surprised to find a victim operating in such a manner purely because the desire to hold on to the narcissist during the devaluation and also the traits that most victims have (see Sitting Target for details) would mean they would not act in a predatory sense. In your stated scenario is the narcissist made aware of the victim pursuing and engaging with other men?
Thank you HG. Well deliberated and explained. You’ve given me such satisfaction with your equipped answer. I especially like the thirdly reason due to its nature to be and the last paragraph would be deemed appropriate as to why a narcissist would be hugely jealous irrespective of school and/or cadre. You bring education and fuel to the table. Fireworks for you!
Thank you Leilani, that is appreciated.
Silent treatment from HG. My life is complete. Can’t wait for the hoover. Lol.
Ha ha very good,
I wonder if HG stands for Hunger Games? You Hunger for Fuel and play Games to get it. I also wonder if Tudor is a reference to the famous Tudor Henry the 8th. He made women objects to the point he could cut off their heads. No hoovering for him though…lol
Ha ha I like your thinking.
Yes. Yes I know you do. Oops, that’s what u want me to believe, u really don’t care about my thinking…unless you could absorb me.
I like you, you get me, you’re the only one.
Ooh…if I believe you, will that make it stop? (The 1975). Song lyrics work, right?
I am suprised u mention golden period 1 year.
Mine was 2 months (we started living together very quickly).
Why a narcissist would made that effort to “invest” in relationship = prolong a golden period for a whole year?
As i noticed in my exNARC, he 7sed to have the whole “cycle” in 7 months:
1) 1 month seduction
2) 2 months golden period
3) 2 months devaluation
4) 1 month silent treatment (he went to see parents for vacation for the entire month)
5) 10 days -re-establish golden period
6) 1 month a discard phase
The golden period will vary from months to years it depends on various factors. Why would a narcissist invest in a golden period for a year? Simple – the primary source was functioning as it should and providing positive fuel for that time. Your experience of a much shorter golden period is just as likely however. Sometimes it is a matter of months and other occasions it can be years.
I know why my golden period was so short: i started asking too much questions and especially where our relationship leads to, why he goes on fridays’ nights to see his sisters and never we go together etc
And than triangulation started with his ex and others… it was a beggining of devaluation phase.
But his love looked sooo true… hahha
He looked deeply inlove with me, without possibility to spend a minute without me..
That i was not able to realise it was triangulation, sisters were not sisters etc
Yes the asking of so many questions rather than submitting to the joy of the golden period probably began to irk him and by raising these questions you were not only questioning him in a manner he would not have liked, buy you were also failing to provide him with the positive fuel he expected.
I am trying to start a new relationship. But… i cannot…
I simply need to recognise that after my experience with exNARC i am not able to:
1) trust to a man
2) relax and “live the moment”
3) stop being in defensive mode
4) stop seeking for red flags
5) stop interpret every sweet word, every “miss u”, every “i got 100 out of 100 for some tests at university”, every “how strong do u miss me?”, every “i am a king!! (Said in a funny way in a morning after he made u get several orgasms”…
All this plus his charmful personality… i just CANNOT STOP seeing it as narcissistic (NPD)
=》 i am tired coz i cannot be anymore in this defensive mode and also coz it doesnt allow me to feel the feelings in new relationship…
To start it actually..
Good morning, Yo!
I totally feel you on this one!!! I’m going through the same thing right now. It is so hard dating a “normal guy”!!! It’s so hard going the ‘SPEED LIMIT’……when your are used to speeding! lol!!
Give it time and space…I am praying for you!!
I imagine that is hard. I would probably seem like the love bomber then second guessing myself that I’ve crossed over to the dark side! Lol
But if you’re really bored already, how do you know you shouldn’t back away?
Yo….
Let that guy go. I get several orgasms and get told “I’m the queen”!
I am with the direct opposite of what I was attracted to. No chess matches but, I never have to second guess my position. If you are, I’d say, drop it like it’s hot. Trust yourself.
2mpathetic thank u very much for ur opinion.
Why i dont let him go is because 1) i like him and the most important 2) i think that now ANY guy i like will be perceived by me like a guy with NARC traits..
Simply because what narcs do and what normal ppl do in romantic relationship.. is tge same
But there must be a time when we are completely forgotten … at last… no? After 2 boring hoovers (wshen we managed to be deadly uninteresting) or after 12 unsuccessful attempts at contacting us. Is there a time for peace?
On another topic I noticed that sometimes our comments and questions don’t make it through, a glitch? any reason? One of my lengthy comments loaded with questions got blackholed and I did not have the courage to write it all over again, It was on your amazing “Love is a Taught Construct ” … I had so many questions :/
Thank you
No, nothing is ever forgotten. There is ever a time for peace. I don’t know why your comment did not reach me other than to say that it did not reach me. It must be a glitch with wordpress. I will check if it landed in the spam folder (sometimes messages do) ending up with the invitations to invest in Nigeria, invitations for pictures of animal sex and various pleas for me to click on a link and maximise my blog visibility. Other than that I would ask you to recall some of the questions and put them through piecemeal.
Thank you HG for that real answer and for the second one too (and laugh for the spam content). I will try to remember my questions . Then the only solution is managing to be out of the 5 first spheres of influence … forever, right?
Correct.