The Eye of the Storm
Our kind love to create chaos and drama. We thrive off the emotional reactions from everybody who is caught up in it. From our intimate partners through to outer circle friends and even complete strangers. Whether it is open-mouthed admiration at some audacious act, seething anger at some scything comment or tears and upset at our heartless cruelty we need that reaction. We create an entrance, a scene and a spectacle in order to have all eyes and emotions on us. We will manufacture flamboyance, boastfulness, magnificence, carnage, misery and histrionics. From striding like a conquering hero into a restaurant through to flouncing away and throwing a glass on the floor, if there is an opportunity to create a scene and extract some fuel we will take it. If we crash the car, there is much fuel to obtain from worried relatives, annoyed partner at our reckless driving, concerned paramedics and questioning police officers. Other people may be nervous and overwhelmed in such circumstances. We are not. We appear surprisingly calm in the whirlwinds that we create, revelling in the fuel that has been generated, our serene outlook a consequence of the power that has been created from the fuel. We may create a picture of panic in order to start the fuel flowing and then revert to a calm individual as the fuel washes over us. If you observe closely you will periodically be able to detect those flashes and glints of powered delight in our eyes in between whatever mask that we have settled on in order to further the charade that we have created. Turmoil, tragedy, panic, anguish, catastrophe and mayhem are all gleefully greeted by us – as long as we are the conductor, the architect and the creator. If it is our tornado, we love it. If it is our conversational hand grenade that has exploded, so much the better. We have to be the originator of whatever scene is unfolding so that the responses are directed at and are because of us.
The situation is very different if there is a crisis not of our making. If you have suffered a bereavement, the test results have come back confirming your worst fears, you have had an awful day at work, you have fallen out with your best friend or the bath has overflowed and flooded into the kitchen below then you ought to know that we cannot be relied on. In such instances we invariably hope that the trauma and the incident arises when we are nowhere near the scene. Should you telephone us and tearfully explain what has happened or ring asking for our help, you should expect that there will be a sudden problem with telecommunications or something even more urgent has just cropped up with us and we cannot help. The ‘phone call will be ended and when you try back you will find it will either just ring or go straight voice mail. If it is not our chaos we are not interested.
If we suffer the misfortune of being on hand when the drama you are experiencing unfolds our eyes will be looking for the nearest exit. If we have an opportunity to slink away, dart for the door or mutter some kind of excuse and hot foot it away from the immediate vicinity of you and your problems, we will absolutely take it and vanish.
We don’t want to be hamstrung with your problems. If these happen during our seduction of you, we will at first try to escape them and if that is not possible then we will reluctantly remain offering cold empathy. You may recall from instances where this has happened that we will be big on the sympathetic noises and correct facial expressions (all learned of course) and short on actually doing anything to solve the problem you face, leaving you to sort it out or most likely directing others to do so. We do not want to get our hands dirty. We will play the part so you think we are a good person and give us fuel. We will create the impression of caring and offering ideas so that others observing admire us but we will focus on the words rather than the doing. Even during seduction, we do not want to waste out energy too greatly on you.
Of course if this mishap takes place when we are in the throes of devaluation then we will reject your request for help and support, alternatively we will vanish and remain incommunicado before we re-appear once we are content that the drama is over. We will breeze back in and not bother to ask you what happened or how you are. We are not interested. All eyes and emotions shifted to you. That is no good to us. That is why we absented ourselves and sought out someone else who would provide us with the fuel we needed.
If there is no opportunity for us to get away from your immediate drama and we are forced to remain proximate to you, then you should make careful note of what you see. We will not feign the cold empathy that occurs when a crisis breaks during the seduction. We cannot bring ourselves to do that because whatever problem has arisen is your problem, it is beneath us and we hate you for being so weak and inferior to have such a problem (regardless of whether you have any culpability for it). You will be met with a cold, expressionless face. A blank almost robotic expression will greet you as we just stare at you. We do not feel anything for you in such a situation other than contempt but this will not necessarily show because we know you will be too busy focused on your own woes and misery to actually respond to our sneer or hateful look, thus we save it. Most of all, as the storm of tragedy and mishap batters and buffets you, look at our eyes. You will just see nothingness. A void. A blank stare. A dark-eyed emptiness looking back at you. You should be aware of this and if you remain in the throes of entanglement with our kind at present, when the next crisis which appertains to you manifests and you look to us for assistance, scrutinise our eyes. Then you will see what we feel for you when you are in pain, distress and difficulty.
Absolutely nothing.
66 thoughts on “The Eye of the Storm”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Wow even in the death of a loved one?
B&T
what was your diagnose then? If not narcissist. I read it in your blog but in such a soup of labels I dont remember anymore.
I have to hand it to you for the backhanded snark in your comment Nikita. Well played. I knew you had it in you.
I don’t let my label define me….I define my label.
Be well sweet one.
Played?? Back hand snark?? What do you mean? You did write it in your blog any I really dont remember. What is wrong with that? And if you dont want to tell then just tell me you dont want to tell and thats it.
You put it in a blog so I thought it could be okay to ask… If it became private then its also okay.. I dont get it.. Really not..
Be well you too.
I cant respond directly to the comments because I am not getting the mails anymore but B&T wrote something very true.
Those labels are nasty and serve only to put people in boxes who dont react like expected. The label would be okay if it would be received with the attitude ” this person is XXX and therefor I approach in this way… But this is not the case at all…
Instead its like this one is a crazy one ., lets exclude this person.., this is why labels are so bad
This post rings true x 2. When one of our kind wises up and doesn’t bother contacting you, we hear it too…why didnt you call me…I would have helped…um, no you wouldn’t or if you did you would have held it against us forever.
Yup, any chaos not of your own making, you want nothing to do with. You’ll sit like the proverbial bump on a log while it takes place.
Not sure why this popped into my head right now HG. But do you think ‘feeders’ are Ns ?
I was watching a programme a few weeks ago about an extremely obese man, his wife kept feeding him. Then when the health workers tried to step in and encourage them both. She left him. He died and she did not feel the need to go to the funeral. Her emotions appeared fake.
I think a narcissist might be a feeder but not that feeders are narcissists.
Her response concerning the funeral may provide an indicator of what she is but of course one would need some more to go on.
Thanks HG
Did my becoming ill turn the devaluation into a discard?
Every likelihood because :-
1. You probably stopped providing fuel positive and negative in any particular quantity ; and
2. This meant he would be obliged to care for you and this is not something we want to do.
So, HG, why do you, they, he….continue to express sympathy, understanding and a willingness to team it out, problem solve so long after seduction and well into devaluation? Why bother faking it still, is it to keep up appearances, to make us think you are still the loving devoted partner, despite all the behaviours of devaluation, such as silent treatments, deceptions, manipulations, infidelity…
I understand why you do it during seduction as it helps bond the victim to your indoctrination. But, why continue to show words of support In devaluation, when the actions do not match?
It’s called a respite hoover MIss S for the reasons you detail and of course, fuel.
Touché …..when I think of Hoover I think of the one In March,mbut then there were every one beofre that following a long week to two month absence. Respite applying to the time away the N takes from us to heal his wounds and refuel and / or the time we have not heard from the N where we feel confident he won’t return. Ie the holiday is over everyone back to work now.
Maharajah of Mayhem,
I have insomnia (you’re ruling my brain so I lie awake processing), Last night at 2am I was out on my veranda enjoying my outdoor fireplace and blisslights (blisslighting instead of gaslighting?) I was drinking Absolut and eating an Oh Henry Candy Bar. (Yes I eat Henrys) My yard has copper fire torches scattered throughout. They are lit so they evoke a memory of Arabian Nights. Which sparks the idea of Aladdin. Which is a name most people recognize. Which leads me again to you and your real name. Since I could not find you in Colorado maaayyyybbbeee…..
That is it!
HG is for Hoovering Genie!
Yay me! Since I have discovered this I revel in joy because you know what this means? If I rub your crockery the right way I get Three wishes! Oh Joy!
Here are my wishes:
1. Tell me your real name. Ok, I’ll settle for your real first Initial.
2. Let me spend one hour alone with you. You+Me=Narcfest 2016.
3. Let me contact you outside of this forum as I really need your advice about my ex Narc coming into town 1st week of August. We have been playing this game for 29 years, yes I did say 29 years. Problem is I am married now and so is he. He and I are in the midst of heavy cat and mouse play and I need your advice but some details are quite graphic and I need an answer from you but I’m not sure if the post would be appropriate. I guess if I write it, its quite lengthy, u decide anyway if its posted but I would still need response from you and Idk if other readers really need to hear some graphic details.
As I expect you will find a way to manipulate my wishes to benefit you. I ask that you don’t do something like this example: Me: I wish for a million bucks. You: Wish Granted. 1 million deer are now in my living room.
Please Please Please Help Me, I’m running out of ideas and time and I need your brilliant mind.
Should I save myself? Will I cheat on my husband? Does the Genie live in a bottle? Find out next time on…
The Search for HG Tudors real identity.
Most entertaining and Hoovering Genie is entirely apt as I apparently grant your wishes if only for a small time period. Since you have entertained me, I will answer your questions.
1. It begins with H.
2. I might allow that to happen under the right circumstances.
3. You may e-mail me at narcissit1909@gmail.com although I must point out that there is something of a queue at the minute with e-mails but I will get round to you.
PS Your end sentence made it seem like you were doing a “to camera” piece for the national news.
Thank HG that we are still in 💞💣phase, yay me!
Begins with H… always keep me guessing lie/truth? The world may never know.
You’ve seen me, I could be on the TV. Sociopaths are great actresses. I wonder if I could get on The Fall? I digress.
I am on the lengthy email after I get off this treadmill!
1000 X’s and O’s and the deepest gratitude for u! 😻Thank You!
Pleasure.
Go No Contact. Stop thinking about him at all.
Thanks Yo.
HG I think your blog and books are very important in educating people about this illness. I do find you hilarious and I like the fact that your a movie buff. Obviously as a victim it’s extremely painful to read and recognise traits from my ex. This is still very new to me . It’s a recent break up. I don’t know how I’ve lived in the world so long and been so ignorant to this condition. I need to really examine my own sickness as to why I became involved with him. The more your information is available the better . I truly believe this should be exposed more and more . Not only to help children cope with being N’s but for the sitting targets out there. Can I ask when you first were made aware of the N disorder and did you feel happy to have a name for it and to have a better understanding of yourself ? (Putting to one side you realised you were special ) by the way did you watch the episode of new TV program Therapy . It’s celebrities , the first one was a N. But the word was never used
Thank you and I of course agree.
Yes it is staggering just how little people know about our kind notwithstanding how prevalent we are.
When was I aware of the label? Just after university. I rejected it of course whilst researching it further and increasing my awareness. I knew I was elevated and different but was unaware it was regarded as some kind of disorder. I still take the view that it is only seen as that from one perspective, when viewed from another it is not at all. I was content to learn of the name for the purposes of increasing my awareness and allowing me to gain a better understanding of this weapon that I had. Of course through my interaction with the good doctors that label has altered to something related but akin and I having read further into my situation and being an intelligent man understand why they have formed that conclusion. I am not aware of that TV program, I do not watch much television, I rarely have time and if I do it is to watch sport and the occasional quality drama but I may look out for it. Which channel is it on? Is it a comedy by the way?
U said u became aware about the label (that u r “elevated”) just after university. But how exactly did it happen?
Through a discussion with somebody.
Amazing description of the accident and fuel.. Which leaves me speechless by the way. 😂😂… A horror story for me..
Also how the cold shoulder is offered when support is needed. I had this one several times. And words words words and no actions… I know it know very well..
Was a pleasure to read…
😘😘😘❤️
Thank you.
What would happen if the person is calm and able to deal with the problem without tears, distress, weakness, etc.
I am often indifferent to crisis (even in my own life) and I expect (and get) someone else to deal with it for me. If my car is crashed, I immediately put resources in place to secure me another one – either a new one or a loaner until mine is fixed.
If my ceiling is leaking, I call the necessary resources to have it fixed and arrange to stay in a gorgeous suite at my favourite hotel until I can return home and all evidence of the problem has been erased.
Bad day at work? Again resources are put in place to rectify the situation and ensure whatever caused my bad day is not given a chance to create another bad day in the future.
I thrive on chaos of a very different nature.
Then there would be no fuel and therefore there would be no point in expending the energy to create the chaos with that person. We would go elsewhere.
Interesting.
What if the person was providing heaping basketfuls of positive fuel. Just non-stop adoration, relinquishment of control, exalting your brilliance and beauty en masse…..
Even though the fuel from chaos is delicious (I thrive on it when I am the creator of it), the fuel from adoration and exaltation is so much more, no?
The trouble with me is, the chaos and creation of it has to be exciting. Real life problems like leaky pipes or brakes that need to be fixed don`t drive me to tears because they are simply too boring. They are boring, run-of-the-mill, average problems that I don`t care to spend energy getting worked up about. So I get someone else to deal with them so I can be free to do what I do best – create all sorts of interesting chaos and have it swirl around me in a beautiful mess.
Come stand in the middle of it with me, HG.
If the provision of potent, copious positive fuel was maintained then there would be no need for chaos with that primary source.
That`s what I thought. And of course, this should always be the goal.
Why on earth a target would want to invite your disdain, disappointment and anger upon them, is beyond me.
I have never had a man take care of my need, except in one arena then that is mutual. I have always taken care of myself. I do get distressed and emotional, then I would take care of it, alone, like always. He always baled, even after my car accident. Then became Infuriated when I said, I get it you can’t cope with sickness or need. He got offended at the word can’t , btw. It was entirely factual. Not passing judgement, merely stating fact. Oops, another silent treatment.
Sometimes there is a calm within a chaos.
I do love the calm in the chaos….the calm before the storm.
The calm before the storm is the most dangerous. I think even HG has mentioned something similar.
It is electrifying. I have goosebumps.
I can often feel the chaos, just as it begins to simmer. Sometimes I wonder if I thrive in chaos, as so much has been a part of my life. It tends to draw itself to me or Perhaps I beckon it my way.
It could be both, Miss_stress, I know it is for me.
I thrive on chaos, invite it, party with it, sleep with it, feast on it….
You could very well be a beacon for it too. I know I am. I mean, how do you think I ended up here?
I accept, welcome and nurture it.
And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
No, I don’t think it is a bad thing either. I wonder often, if I was a beacon or a magnet for such.
I believe we are drawn to where we are meant to be. Even if we cannot see the obvious reasons.
If the copious amounts of adoration are manufactured to keep one with them, then Is it still as fuel ladened? I would think passion and excitement and even heated arguments that come to resolve with the acknowledgment of conceding to partner could elict the same if positive fuel is flowing throughout.
I know for me, as much as I might enjoy positive attention, I would rather not have it is it isn’t real. I want genuine emotions, so if someone yells at me because they are angry for something I did and express it , then I don’t fault them for that expression. It is real. If someone tells me they love me and they do not mean or feel it, then it is If little value, if only an appeasement. Does this make any sense?
Hi bloodandthunder, I hope you don’t mind me asking but are you a N ?
Hi Lisa. I don`t mind you asking that question at all.
I am not a Narc, though I do have narcissistic tendencies and traits. I was “officially” diagnosed by medical professionals when I was a teenager and have been living outside the confines of the label they gave me as an explanation for my behavior and attitudes, mostly because I think labels are silly.
Labels are meant to help society understand people like HG and myself, who fall outside the realm of what is deemed “normal” and “acceptable” by society’s standards.
We are conditioned to believe that you are supposed to feel a certain way when you hear or see something and if you don’t, you’re abnormal and deserving of scrutiny and ridicule and likely be ostracized by the so-called “moral majority.”
Add to that the fact that, even though our society likes to view itself as being inclusive, accepting, empathetic and understanding, most people shun anything and anyone who deviates from the “acceptable norm” and, as a result, those who don’t “fit in” are forced to learn to adapt in any way we can. Fakery, trickery, and mimicry are the cornerstones of survival for those of us who know what we are and want to at least provide the illusion of fitting in.
Since receiving my diagnosis I have done a lot of research and talked to a number of psychiatrists, psychologists, occupational therapists, social workers,and other members of the medical community (partly to better understand my diagnosis and just to gain as much varied insight and information as possible), and I’ve had my eyes opened widely.
Like HG (and I hope you don’t mind that I am somewhat speaking for you based on what I’ve learned from you from your blog and other conversations) I am at home in my own skin and I live a happy and fulfilling life. I make no apologies for who or what I am.
I can converse with the empaths and sensitives here even though I do not understand how they perceive or react to others or the world around them. I can be respectful and attentive and open to dialogue, when the same is accorded to me.
Thank you for taking the time to reply bloodandthunder. This is the difficulty in understanding whether my partner actually is a N or just traits like yourself . How do they distinguish that diagnosis, would you say that you do have feelings of love for people ?
Lisa – My version of love is very different from what others perceive as love.
I become infatuated, obsessive and lustful more so than anything. I am loyal to a fault (unless someone attempts to harm or harms me, then it`s game over); I am generous; complimentary; charming; attentive and I will do anything to help and support those I am akin to.
I will fawn all over; take care of; and assist those I feel are worth my time.
Others have said they felt that I loved them because of the things I said or did for them, but then they realized that when it came to offering sympathy, empathy and compassion, I refused or simply couldn`t provide the reactions they were expecting from me.
For example, if someone cries in front of me, it makes me very uncomfortable. I can`t care about the reason the person is crying because I become angry that the person would push his or her emotions on to me like that, especially if it`s unexpected. Often, I have to remove myself from the situation to allow myself respite.
I have some feelings yes, but they do not mirror the feelings most people claim to have. I am unable to process or understand certain feelings or emotions.
I may, however, tell someone I love them, but it rarely means what they think it does.
Does this make any sense at all??
Hi bloodandthunder, does it make sense ? Well yes and no lol. Of course your very candid response does make sense and I’m very grateful for the insight . It is hard to understand though why you would not be diagnosed as a N. As it does seem to be on that spectrum . It makes it all the more confusing . Although I do believe there are some people who are just emotionally unavailable or could be classed as avoidents. They may show N traits as a shield but are not actually N’s.
I have tendencies but I am not a full blown Narc like HG is.
As I said, I have my diagnosis from a few medical professionals now, and I am what I am.
I try to be candid and honest, but people don`t always like the honest part. 🙂
I do.
HG, that is because you are brilliant, amazing and absolutely marvellous!!!
Most other people, not so much.
And also because my honesty is so complimentary of you and all you do.
People find it hard to stomach when my honesty is not so complimentary or rose-coloured. They to react poorly….Remember the conversation on the blog about pea-grown coloured bodily fluid…..kinda like that.
😉
Should have said “pea-green” and not “pea-grown.”
Clearly this keyboard is not fit for my very nimble fingers. Wretched thing!
And yet you never want us to leave , even when the fuel has become uninteresting ?
It depends on what you mean by leave. We will push you to one side on a temporary basis as part of the concept of the discard but we do not want you to leave forever because we want to gain that hoover fuel from you.
What not just tell us you are done with us and allow us to think such and move on and then when you deem it the right time, Hoover your way back in, if you can. The open endedness, is my bane…. unless I hear the words of finality. It isn’t final. There is no closure In ambiguity for me. He has told me for years, he will only ever love, be In love with me. I am the in One, he will never leave me, he will always come back. No else compares to me from his past or will do in his future. He maintained it all through the last months after last Hoover. So then what…..HG?
Why on earth would we tell you that we are done with you and provide you with closure and certainty (even though we will come back later) when the maintenance of uncertainty, anxiety, bewilderment and openendedness are our allies in the maintenance of our control and fuel extraction?
Because I would appreciate it …..I mean in the sense that from an N prespective it seems crueler, to say I am leaving you my dear or whatever curse word he chooses…farewell, adieu, happy trails and we breath a collective sigh of relief and carry on with our lives. For me the Hoover would me far more emotionally detrimental after such a ploy. Mind your the Hoover is dastardly no matter how you play it.
Yes you would appreciate it but that is not something we are concerned with. Bidding you farewell is nowhere near as effective as just vanishing and letting you try to work out what is going on. The need for unfinished business and questions is paramount.
I know, wishful thinking, I suppose. A veritable what if , if you may.
Why he always said he will come back, he will nevr leave me. HG! Do you think he knows what he does and why he does it. But simply refuses to admit it to me, even though he knows I know who he is? If I were him, I would be elated that he accepted me as I am and lived me just the same and would not leave me. But then, I wouldn’t deny something I know to be true of myself and fact is, no one is that way for me. It is always me for them. Hence my desire for acceptance as well, perhaps it never was love. Lesson learned,
I think he has some understanding of what he does.
I am sure he does, especially when he rages on and then it is business as usual. Or when he initiates each silent treatment. When he said he loved me….and so forth.
Does that really mean , you want to keep coming back when and if it suits you to check that you can still get the person or not to satisfy your ego ? When the day finally comes that the narc knows it’s over and the hoovering is finished forever , I think they must feel sad HG
Hi Lisa, We keep coming back to extract fuel. The hoovering is never finished forever in our minds, unless you die. Feel sad? What’s that? Have a read of Fuel and Black Hole.
You say that is correct !! But still leave me in suspense?? Can you say what it was or why ? Or is it a secret …… It would be very interesting to know
Come on Lisa, you should know by now that one of our techniques is to always have people wanting answers !! In terms of what it was, it was especially potent fuel which was provided in copious amounts and more detail about this will be provided in the Asylum of the Grotesque.
If you feel nothing why was there one that gave you a certain type of fuel that you did feel something ? What was that fuel and what was that something ? Thanks for another interesting post
You are welcome Lisa. Can you clarify for me when you refer to “why was there one” what are you referring to please? It will assist me in understanding your question.
I’m sure I read in one of your posts that there was a particular fuel given to you by one of your appliances ha ha , I have to laugh , using these words. I speak narc language now 😉 Something about that fuel being different or special ?
Yes that is correct.