The 30 Parts of the Wrong Focus
The actions we take against you when we are with you are always designed to impact upon you both then and at a later stage. The examples of this are legion. For instance, during our seduction of you we are placing and creating Ever Presence which we will rely on post-discard or post-escape in order to keep you susceptible to longing for us (as well as many other things) so that hoovering you becomes so much easier. Consider also, again through seduction, how the provision of compliments, a supposedly perfect love, great sex, happy times together and so forth is achieved. All of this is done so we can not only bind you to us but then it provides us with the material to cause you to plummet far when we withdraw all of that from you. So much of what we do has an immediate and a later effect. One of these effects is to create in you the concept of the Wrong Focus.
If you have managed to escape us or more likely you have been discarded, we know (because we have engineered this to happen) that there are so many things that you will be doing and that you will do, which collectively we consider as the Wrong Focus. This is designed to suit our purposes and without fail it always happens following an entanglement with our kind. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is because of the way that we have treated you because it does not make sense, lacks logic and is so confusing. That in itself creates so many questions and considerations which form the Wrong Focus. Secondly, it is in your nature to ask these questions and also to want answers to them because one of your traits is a need to know the truth. Some people (although of course we would never target them) might just brush themselves down and move forwards without a backwards glance in our direction. Those people have no interest in working out was happened and have no desire to know the truth. Those people are of no use to us and will not be chosen for targeting and seduction. Instead, it is people like you who are susceptible to our overtures and possess those traits which mean that the happening of the Wrong Focus is as guaranteed as the sun rising in the east.
So, what are the constituent parts of the Wrong Focus? There are many indeed and here are thirty for your consideration and information.
- You will wonder why we treated you so terribly after we were so wonderful to you.
- You will want to know how we could have just left you like that after everything that you did for us?
- You will be perplexed as to how we are able to move on to somebody else so soon after being with you, especially since we said that you and I were soulmates and would be together until the end of time?
- What are we doing with our new acquisition?
- How are they better than you?
- Are we happy with that person now?
- What has that person got that you haven’t?
- She doesn’t even seem like our type so why on earth have we chosen her?
- You spend your time on “Ex Watch” as you stalk our social media (and that of the new target) to see what we are doing together, what we are saying to one another and looking for any signs of trouble in this new relationship.
- You want our new relationship to fail so you feel better and validated because the same thing has happened to the new target as it did to you.
- You feel a need to prove that you are happy (even though you are not) and that you need us to know that this is the case. You consider ways in which you can convey this message to us.
- You wonder what you could do to win us back.
- You wonder what mistakes were made that caused the relationship to fall apart.
- You begin to imagine what is going on in between those four walls, that you knew so well once upon a time, becoming fixated with considering what is happening.
- You relive the day you had with us and think about whether we are doing the same things with the new person as we did with you.
- You want us to explain why we did what we did?
- You try to make sense of what has happened but you cannot. This does not, however, stop you from running the whole relationship through your head over and over again as you seek to find answers.
- You sit and ask yourself are we thinking about you?
- You ruminate on whether we miss you at all.
- Does she kiss us like you did?
- Do we love her more than we loved you?
- Have we kept the gifts you gave us?
- Why have we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
- Why haven’t we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
- Why are we saying those things about you to other people?
- Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?
- Why does it feel like no matter what you do we always seem to win?
- Will we ever speak to you again?
- Will our friends and family still acknowledge you after everything that has happened?
- What if she is “the one”?
You spend so much time occupied with these thoughts. They dominate your mind. You replay scenarios in order to try and answer these questions. You sit and discuss these questions with friends and family who do their best to be supportive but they do not have the answers. You will not receive any answers from them that will satisfy you because ultimately you want those answers to come from us and we know that. That is why we will not provide them to you.
You will have immediately noticed what all of the above thirty points have in common. They are all about us. This is deliberate. We want everything to be all about us. We want that during seduction, during devaluation and post escape or post discard. It always has to revolve around us and the creation of so many questions arising out of our treatment of you is a deliberate consequence which is designed to have you focus on us.
This paralyses you.
This repeats the pain.
This holds you back.
This keeps you susceptible to the hoover that will come.
This is what we want.
We want you to focus on us.
You need to focus on you.
But you will always apply the wrong focus.
32 thoughts on “The 30 Parts of the Wrong Focus”
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Very very good or better excellent list on what not to do to move on as fast possible. Its incredibly difficult but possible..
To stop doimg those things after some normal short time of mourn.
Great list 😘
All I can say is wow. That describe exactly what I am going through with my divorce. It’s scary in a way. I wonder when it will pass
Que Crazy in love Beyonce….
The fifty shades of gray version as it just is oh so hot and makes me just want to drop to my knees and…..
Ohhhh, you want me to ruminate on whether or not you miss me…yeah, even when you’re not with me, you’re thinking about me. You’re thinking I ought to be thinking about you and only you, but it still counts.
Great list and I plead guilty on all points! 😎 Luckily, I am now past that stage, most of the time:-)
I got clarification on no. 22 though recently, when I showed up at his appartment without prior notification, after 1.5 years of no face-to-face interaction. Meaning he could not and did not expect me at all- especially since we live in different cities. So, as to the gifts:
“Do we keep the gifts you gave us?”
Well, now I know he surely did. All of them! When I was in his living room, I instantly noticed that he had kept all the objects that I gave him as gifts (a barometer, hand-made dishes from Afrika, a book on Brussels Art Decoder Architecture, a pair of small wooden owls painted in ‘primitive art style’) placed visibly, and in *exactly* the same places, than 1.5 years ago when I last visited that place!
That was so surprising to see!?! It touched me in a strange way.
I also noticed that he had placed the Art Deco book in a way that it stood out in his large book collection, and that he had used the 2-dishes Set of African art. Both dishes. That hurt me:-( Although it was expected; and of course I had crossed a boundary myself without calling first. But he seemed rather pleased about that, and eager to keep me there as long as possible (I left at 2 am, after a 5-hour-conversation. Don’t worry though -I was brave and strong enough not to check into his bedroom;-)
OK.
HG, here is a challenge: Could you please provide us with one-sentence answers written from your perspective to all the questions you raised in no. 1-30 (or comments, where no question was raised)?
My nex used to “accidentally” damage any gifts I gave him all the time. And that was during the relationship. I daresay he kept nothing.
This is quite an extensive and thorough list HG.
While reading through them number 11 struck me. I do not need to lie or fake or pretend I am happy, if I am not, so why would I pretend to be happy at the discovery of an imposter and the loss of the man I loved. I have no need to rush out and replace him, like he feels such a need in replenishing his fuel supply. If my feelings were not genuine for him, then of course why not rush off and find a new man ASAP. For me, it is a mourning, a loss, not of what was and might be again, but of what could have been if he allowed me to accept who and what he is. It was nevr the golden period or seduction I longed to return, it was for him to know and recognize what he had with me and that he was free to be himself, whomever he deemed that to be. I have no need or desire to make him jealous, as he obviously needs to do to me. He is the one who punishes, not I.
I do not need to wonder if he will come back….he will. Nor do I question if she is the one,.I know I was the ONE. He knows it too. This is game, he plays it as he chooses. Do I replay things in my mind, yes, of course I do, I am an overthinking ruminator. Do, I blame myself…yes and no. If I pretended to be naive and unaware and allowed him to disrespect me again and again through lies and Cheating and manipulations and abandonment, we would have a Perfect relationship, wouldn’t we? No of course we wouldn’t. No matter what I did or didn’t do the end result will always the same. His game, his rules.
I knew if I didn’t doubt, show distrust or ask questions. It would be calmer. But, if I do not ask him to change who and how he is, why should I change that about myself whicj is real and genuine. Just to appease him, with no real certainty of appeasement. He could just fabricate something else to rage about and become insulted by and retreat again, it is always best just to be who you are. Then trying to placate and please someone who is determined to find fault and an enemy in you.
Everything from. Me to him was a real and genuine. I have no regrets. No one can live up to his impossible double standard,
HG, are you not pleased we apply the wrong focus? What if a devalued or discarded appliance decided that they want you back, before you planned to Hoover them? And made massive attempts to contact and reach you for reconciliation and contrition.
Would you welcome them back or would you make them wait till you decided when the time was right to return ? Surely, you would feel powerful in such a demonstration of desire and loyalty.
Well yes of course we are pleased that you apply the wrong focus, that is the point of achieving it. If somebody wanted me back and I deemed that as appropriate to my fuel needs and ongoing machinations then they would allowed back. If I determined that I stood to gain more by keeping them at bay for a while longer whilst I continued with somebody else as primary source I would take that route.
I LOVE what you have written here Miss_Stress!!! So very true!!! Why change who i am to try please someone who is determined to do nothing but find fault and enemy in me?!!! And yes… how could i honestly have ever lived up to her impossible standards (and… in a game where the rules are constantly changing to meet her will and demands!! How can i ever possibly expect to know what she truly wants from me when she constantly changes what it is exactly that she wants!!!).
Only change yourself if it benefits you, if you find an issue with your behaviour that is negatively impacting you and others. But, not because someone has deems it to have power and control over you. That is it, The rules are ever changing in the N game, gaslighting and manipulations and machinations abound. As a pleaser, it is emotionally detrimental to be attached to a narcissist, as the probability of pleasing them is either nil or impossible, if you are being true to yourself. If you can forgo who you are and submit entirely to their agenda and schedule of adoration, allow family, friends, even children to fall to the way side to maintain the level they require, then maybe you have a chance. But. Only until they tire of bore of you and seek out other sources. So. In the end, you have lost them and yourself. Nevr lose yourself to them.
Love you…….so true going through the same thing.
Legio nomen mihi est, quia multi sumus.
My Latin may be a tad rusty.
Indeed we are B&T and growing all the time.
Hi Kay. Welcome to the “sisterhood” (trying not to discriminate against any guys here so apologies to the gents). Were you and your exN married? Any children?
Hi Cody!
Fortunately, we were not legally married, but yes, we do have children together.
That is the most difficult challenge in all this, if you ask me.
I can’t even imagine. You’ve probably read HG’s recent post: Offspring. Please continue to visit this site smand share as you feel comfortable. I know many on here have children with their exN and may have some advice. The best advice though comes from HG himself- the one narc you can actually benefit from. 🙂
Thank you Cody and absolutely right.
Indeed, I do like to keep myself informed so I stay on edge. When I don’t, it’s easy to “forget” sometimes, and he will be all nice and charming.
I like to keep reminding myself why he does that.
Any suggestions to help the victims of you guys to remain focused on what they NEED to be focusing on… i.e… THEMSELVES…. and not end up distracted by one or more of 30 things (or what i sure is possibly more than 30 to be honest lol)???!
I know in ur book “No Contact”…. you suggest we rewrite/type up and print to place in an areas visible to us daily… that list of 3 dot points as to what “No Contact” truly means (…. 1) Erasing you from our life, 2) Banishing you from our life and maintaining your exile and 3) you never exsisted!!!)…. however yes… any other possible suggestions you have to offer up??!
There are the suggestions as you identify in No Contact and then there is a whole host of techniques you can deploy which are detailed in Exorcism : Purging the Narcissist from Your Heart and Soul which will be available on Saturday.
I Best Buy that one, don’t you think HG.
Excellent.
Cheers again HG
Pleasure.
Yay US!
Yes miss_stress…. i think i shall be buying that one too lol!!!
HG,
I must disagree with your blanketed statement that your kind won’t target someone who they perceive would walk away. I have been entangled with a few of your kind (somatic and elites none were malign) and they thoroughly seemed to enjoy the challenge I present. After explaining very early on that I will not “catch feelings” and things will be kept strictly sexual, I have been told “challenge accepted and you WILL fall in love.” Once the manipulation started I would call them out on every instance of BS and they soon realized I’m not susceptible to any of it and it would usually result in a short silent treatment but they would always return. I’ve always been the one to end the entanglement and resist hoovers. I highly doubt I’ll hear from this last one again after my revenge plot proved to be a success.
The exception may lie in the fact that these engagements are never in the form of a primary relationship for me. Maybe the majority wouldn’t choose to engage with someone like myself but I don’t seem to find a shortage of those that will. And no I don’t seek your kind out, it kind of just pans out that way.
Hello NQN,
Thanks for adding your experience. I was referring to my kind in terms of Greater but it is interesting to read how you have dealt with people in this manner and they have seen and wanted the challenge. Indeed that would accord with the notion of everyone being a potential target and I would suggest this is applicable to lesser and mid-range, who may not perceive that the target might walk away,when the targeting is undertaken. I maintain I could seduce anyone of my choosing but since I prefer to conserve energy, I always operate from winning the battle before it is fought. There are more than enough targets to focus on in such a category without having to expend additional energy going after the more challenging ones.
Thanks for responding HG,
I have encountered a few of the greater and the intellectual banter that ensues is truly intoxicating! The best kind of foreplay if you ask me. After reading most of your books and this blog, I’ve attempted to analyze why some would put in the effort and put up with my blasé attitude towards them. I think its a combination of the positive and negative fuel I deliberately provide in healthy doses.
Oh I agree NQN, melt the mind and the body will follow. If you are pumping out the fuel that is bound to be an attraction. Furthermore, we do not accept the word “no” and you clearly say it repeatedly which will spur some of our kind on, others will choose an easier target,others persevere as they clearly see the potential reward that you provide.
And once upon a time, all 30 of these were spot on.
Then I stumbled upon an article about your kind. And inquisitive as I am, I read more.
And then I just stopped caring. Just like that.
I am still somewhat angry that I wasted all these years on him. But oh well, at least I got out while I’m still young enough to do better with my life.
It’s no use crying over spilled milk.
Your last sentence could have been uttered by my kind.
After nearly a decade with one, I can probably say that I learned from the best.