The 30 Truths to the Wrong Focus
I explained how we construct the Wrong Focus so you end up concentrating on us rather than yourselves and in turn this hinders you, prevents you from moving forward and allows us to keep you where we want you, miserable, confused and wallowing in emotion. Of the thirty constituent parts of the wrong focus, what are the answers and observations to those questions and comments? Here are the truths that will enable you to avoid the effect of the Wrong Focus and thus in turn allow you to concentrate on yourself and your own needs.
- You will wonder why we treated you so terribly after we were so wonderful to you.
We did this because you stopped providing us with potent positive fuel. We needed to draw negative fuel from you instead in order to maintain our existence.
- You will want to know how we could have just left you like that after everything that you did for us?
With absolute ease. We only think of ourselves. You are just an appliance to us not a person. Someone else has our interest now and we regard them as better than you on every front.
- You will be perplexed as to how we are able to move on to somebody else so soon after being with you, especially since we said that you and I were soulmates and would be together until the end of time?
Those are standard hook-lines (look out for a forthcoming post on this) which we scatter like confetti in order to seduce them. We rarely mean anything we say to you as we are habitual liars
- What are we doing with our new acquisition?
More or less exactly what we did with you. Seducing them and giving them the golden period. We will apply similar techniques to how we charm and mesmerise them as we did with you. Expect us to say the same things, take them to the same places, buy the same gifts and so on, with some occasional changes.
- How are they better than you?
How long have you got? They are more beautiful, more loving, more intelligent, more successful, more fun, more admiring, more adoring, in fact whatever you were they are a thousand times better.
The truth is they are not, they may even be less than you, but we do not see that. To us they are shiny and new and thus amazing.
- Are we happy with that person now?
We don’t feel happy. We feel engorged by the power that surges through us from the fuel. We tell everyone we are happy though in order to maintain appearances and also in the hope you hear about our huge joy with this person.
- What has that person got that you haven’t?
To us, the most wonderful and potent positive fuel.
In your reality, they are little different, indeed you would be surprised by just how much in common you would have.
- She doesn’t even seem like our type so why on earth have we chosen her?
If she pours out positive fuel she is our type. That is all that matters. You are all appliances in our eyes.
- You spend your time on “Ex Watch” as you stalk our social media (and that of the new target) to see what we are doing together, what we are saying to one another and looking for any signs of trouble in this new relationship.
We want you doing this so you will not move on. You will not see any signs of trouble in paradise. Quite the contrary as we pump out the propaganda.
- You want our new relationship to fail so you feel better and validated because the same thing has happened to the new target as it did to you.
We know you do because that is how hateful and horrible you are and makes us wonder why on earth we ever chose. Don’t worry though, it will eventually falter, they always do.
- You feel a need to prove that you are happy (even though you are not) and that you need us to know that this is the case. You consider ways in which you can convey this message to us.
Don’t bother. We know you are torn apart and we will just laugh at your attempts to pretend otherwise. We can still sense what is really going on. Instead of appearing happy you would do better to appear neutral and unmoved.
- You wonder what you could do to win us back.
You really shouldn’t bother but you don’t have to do anything because we will hoover you soon enough.
- You wonder what mistakes were made that caused the relationship to fall apart.
How long have you got for us to list your litany of transgressions? The fact is that this is the case from our perspective. You did nothing wrong.
- You begin to imagine what is going on in between those four walls, that you knew so well once upon a time, becoming fixated with considering what is happening.
Everything that happened between you and I. It is actually frightening just how similar it is.
- You relive the day you had with us and think about whether we are doing the same things with the new person as we did with you.
Of course we are.
- You want us to explain why we did what we did?
Not going to happen. We need to keep you hanging on for answers and closure.
- You try to make sense of what has happened but you cannot. This does not, however, stop you from running the whole relationship through your head over and over again as you seek to find answers.
There is no point doing this. The answer does not lie there.
- You sit and ask yourself are we thinking about you?
No we aren’t. You don’t exist to us until you appear in a sphere of influence and then it is hoover time.
- You ruminate on whether we miss you at all.
We don’t miss you at all. We might miss your fuel at some point.
- Does she kiss us like you did?
Yes not that we care.
- Do we love her more than we loved you?
We will tell the world and you (and her) that we have never loved anyone like this before. Of course we have. It is always the same even though it is not love as you understand it.
- Have we kept the gifts you gave us?
Yes. They will be used to hoover and triangulate.
- Why have we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep the new target happy.
- Why haven’t we deleted all the pictures of you on social media?
To provoke you and keep you hanging on.
- Why are we saying those things about you to other people?
It’s a smear campaign, get used to it. Everybody gets them. You are nothing special.
- Do we feel bad at the way that we treated you?
No.
- Why does it feel like no matter what you do we always seem to win?
Because we change the rules to suit us.
- Will we ever speak to you again?
Oh yes. When it is hoover time.
- Will our friends and family still acknowledge you after everything that has happened?
No. The smear campaign is in effect. They will when we hoover you though.
- What if she is “the one”?
Of course she is. The replacement is always the one (until the next one).
Now you know.
44 thoughts on “The 30 Truths to the Wrong Focus”
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Thanks, HG for your insights. I must say… you make it all sound so easy. I wish it was that easy with no room for doubts about my mistakes and failings.
Question: Why do N’s all sound / behave so much the same, bit like cookie cutters?
Thanks
It is the behaviours which are similar which are indicative of narcissists. The behaviours make the disorder not the other way around.
I also say very impressive. The plain truth on the table .
You are excellent in every way !!
Thank you.
I dont agree with #10. Personally i understand with my brains that i should feel pity regarding any new victim.
But in reality…i feel nothing. It s not my concern and i dont care.
Then you are indeed fortunate to think that way Yo.
Thanks to u and other resources about NPD 😉
Btw, before i found out about NPD and still was in relationship with NARC, i didnt feel #10 as well.
I just was astonished “how is possible 1 day before he loved me sooo deeply and in 1 day everything finished without any logic”
Yes Yo, the switch is entirely bewildering to you but makes total sense to us.
I dumped my ex narc and got into a new relationship before him. How did that affect my ex narc? Or did it affect him at all?
Just curious
Hello Donna,
You will have wounded him considerably through these two actions.
1. By you deciding to escape him (through ending the relationship) you are signalling to him that he is not good enough for you. This is a clear criticism which will wound him as we cannot stand to be criticised (whether it is real or perceived).
2. By entering a new relationship (I presume pretty quickly thereafter but also before him) this would criticise him again. You would be signalling to him that you are better than him because you have been able to attract someone before him. You would also be telling him (in his eyes) that he is not good enough to hoover you back in because you have chosen someone else. Again, in his eyes, you would also be criticising him because you are showing that his powers are not as effective as he things they should be since you appear unaffected by the Ever Presence, the Wrong Focus and so on.
What caused you to make the first move and did you know what he was at the time you made that move? If so, how did you know?
Hello HG, just wondering: why are you trying to help us non N’s out, with good helpful advice? Since you don’t really seem to care about anything / anyone..?
Thanks
Please see the about section in the menu.
As honest as ever, HG. It reminds me of the old record player and record. The needle on the record player spins through the song and it is on to the next play until the record ends. It really doesn’t care what the record is…it can’t care bc it is a record player, after all. Occasionally the record might skip, and spend a longer time back and forth with the record player, but a bump makes it move on to the end. Then the next record begins.
Great metaphor Jaded!
Thank you, Alice. 🙂
Well… Thank you! Although some of those answers are particularily hurt fully.
Anyway – “If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well.”
So yes: well done! 😊
Wow! I have to say that I am impressed:-)
Thank you
The opening paragraph hits reality and honesty HG. This is a good one. “Now you know.”
Thankyou
HG as mid N’s that may have some knowledge of what they are doing but not in the way greater N’s do. In your opinion when they keep seeing the same thing happening over and over particularly for a male approaching 50, what on earth is going on in their heads ? They must have some realisation that something is very wrong and they must be exhausted? How long can it continue ? Surely this thought may enter their head ?
They will have some realisation that they feel in a certain way and if they do certain things is addresses how they feel – for instance alleviates the restlessness, makes them feel powerful, but they do not know precisely why this is. Of all the schools,it is the mid-range that suffers greatest with the onset of age. Lesser Narcissists are creatures of instinct and reaction – something happens and they automatically react. Greater Narcissists understand what they do and why and thus can plan and scheme accordingly, there remains some instinctive responses (e.g. the ignition of fury) but he or she is able to exert control through understanding and also has the drive to act as he or she does. The Mid-Range has some instinctive responses but not many, he or she does not have the function of the greater nor the drive and therefore is likely to become more ponderous with the onset of age, unable to respond in a flash or to plot.
I used to think mine was a Lesser… But the more I read, he is more like Mid-Range. Because he IS intelligent, college-grad, etc., and just over 50… and he does KNOW and PONDER (to a certain extent), about relationships, and why they don’t “work out” for him, and has said a few times over the years (only while inebriated, and therefore a little vulnerable and genuine, if that’s possible) “maybe something is just wrong with me and I don’t see things the way other people do”, and when angry “ok, Miss Psychology, you’re right, I’m just a bad person and I should go talk to someone” (sarcastically, but he would say it). He never really said “feel”, because in his own mind he “feels” a lot. And he does have little bouts of depression, and drinking to excess. He just doesn’t know the concept that you “give” love to women, not just “feel” it. And I think that probably half of what he does (in relationships) is knee-jerk, but at least half is playbook. (He was a sports major and player, and has spent his life in that field… so he knows about games and strategy, winning and points, etc.). The empathy and remorse are simply not there. Not with women. HG, do you think it’s possible for a Mid-Range N to have some degree of empathy? I used to see little glimmers of it occasionally, like when watching a 9/11 documentary and the little boy who had his father was crying and talking about it.
That’s a good assessment there Sherry. Does he have any empathy? Only that which is faked, he does not feel it.
Well, to rephrase my question, General (Lol!)… Do you think a narcissist can have SOME degree of empathy in specific areas… like ones that he COULD directly relate to? For instance, he could relate to the sad little boy that had lost his father because he was once a little boy, and he looks up to his own father a lot. I’m wondering if there is empathy there for “limited” others, those to which he can directly relate. I know for certain that he has no empathy at all for women, I’ve NEVER seen that (not for a female stranger that is sad or struggling, not my grandmother, not for the young mother -19 years his junior- of his own child). But he seems to show empathy for small children, his own 5-year old daughter, and I’ve seen what seemed like genuine empathy when talking about a male friend that lost his wife, and for a man in a movie we were watching that was trying to protect his little girl. So I’m thinking that he may be able to empathize only with others for which he truly could put himself into the shoes of… because he could “literally” be (or have been) in that that person’s shoes because of some aspect of them that he directly correlates with (gender, childhood, etc.). He is an only child, was held to very high standards to excel in school and sports, has a “sports-type” profession father that he talks about with great respect and admiration, but NEVER talks about his mother, it was like pulling teeth to get even tiny factual comments about her. Ohhhh the analyzing!!!!! LOL!
Hello Sherry, there is a difference between understanding and feeling that empathy. I for example can understand that someone would feel upset that their parent has passed away but I do feel that upset, I merely note it and understand this is the reaction which most people have to a bereavement. I think perhaps therefore what you have seen is understanding as opposed to genuine empathy and that understanding has arisen from the point you make about he directly correlates with. Where he shows no empathy eg women, he has neither the feeling of empathy nor the function to even understand it.
HG thank you for your patience with all my questions . All the information out there regarding this subject including yours says they always come back. But the contradiction confuses me as it also says going no contact stops them from coming back. By going no contact , you aero away taking back control , does this trigger them to want to prove they can still come back ? Or as you say if you are off their radar they stay away and never come back. My lesser to mid N , has shown no signs of hoovering in the 2 months I have been no contact and I even seen him once but did not acknowledge him. But I think he thinks I may give in and contact him as I have in the past ? Just seems to be a lot of conflicting advice about no contact ?
You are welcome. The incidence of the hoover is governed by who you are, the type of N you are dealing with, the method of cessation (escape or discard) and the effect of the spheres of influence.
If you escape, expect an initial grand hoover to win you back. Expect follow-up hoovers of a benign nature. The duration of these and method depends on the type of N you are dealing with. You may have malign hoovers again dependent on the type of N.
The follow-up hoovers are governed primarily by the spheres of influence. The IGH is not – that is born out of necessity to the sudden and unexpected loss of the primary source of fuel. We want that fuel and we want it back immediately. If the IGH fails then the N will seek fuel from a new primary source and/or supplementary sources. If you appear in any of the spheres of influence you will face follow-up hoovers.
If you maintain NC you stay out of all spheres save the sixth one. Thus your prospect of being hovered is massively reduced.
The sixth sphere is just where you happen to pop into our heads. This does not guarantee the hoover. A lesser is unlikely to bother, a greater will so long as he has a method of contact.
Even when you appear in one of the other spheres the N may not choose to hoover if there is fuel from other sources and the effort involved is too great, but it is more likely than not because the lure of hoover fuel is so attractive.
If you haven’t done so already, read No Contact, Fuel and Black Hole. Feel free to ask if you have further questions.
HG , I am no contact with mine 2 and half months now and he has made no attempt to get in touch . I want him to come back so I can ignore him. I hope I get the chance but I may not which is upsetting .
I would not do anything to prompt him coming back because that act in itself will further encourage him and pander to his sense of greatness and control. He will appear at some point and then you can ignore him.
Stephanie, I wonder if we were dating the same man… is the N formerly in your life a journalist?
We talked for three hours, first time in a month.
I did not react when he said he loved me still and I am the special one. He cares if I am happy, sick and my well being. Blah Blah Blah.
No one is as sensual or their lips are not as soft and no one showers him like I do. Blah Blah Blah
I did not ask about anything but how many blue bills he needed with his new unsuspecting and now dumped little foreign women. LOL. To which he said he wasn’t going to discuss it with me.
He told me about all the things I would normally ask about, his health, work. I did not want to know and I did not ask. He had to tell me.
I did not cry, I did not respond in the way he wanted me to. I was grossed out by the thought of him. The thought of his eyes looking at me. All of it is repulsive, as if he was a dirty creepy man. Oh right, come to think of it he is.
He mentioned doing a few concerts with me that he is aware of me attending. I informed him that this is below his cultured taste and he should remember this because i will. Just so you know one show it is Jackson Browne and the other is Oleta Adams. Much more to this story then I am posting but nonetheless I finally agreed with him in the fact his new/old victim is much more interesting then I am. Turns out she was looking for him to help support her lifestyle. Funny thing is I am the one with the very secure financial situation. I offered him to never have to work again and he thought she had enough to do the same for him to have this type of lifestyle. The German women from Paris who speaks 4 languages, she was interesting and this is why he dumped me for her. (devalue line to me). He admitted she did not tell the truth and misrepresented herself. LOL He is not even good at being a NARC.
I know a Narc like HG would have taken me up on my offer to travel and live life at our age. I told him that a good Narc would have been on for the game long enough for the gains and then be gone. He wasn’t even good at this.
I had pleasure in reminding him that I was below him and not cultured and I have only been to 21 countries and I only speak one language. Also that his thinking the grass is always greener really shows how much he does not know at age 59. And he should not put the wrong income on his dating site if he is tired of the women looking for a man with means to take care of them. I also said Narcs like to be someone they are not. But I am a rare bird. I don’t lie nor do I need to be anyone different then who I am.
He is now not talking to me……….again. Gee I might be a little upset as I also like to say the last word and this time I only could text it. I did not call him anything other then stupid.
Of course the new one is “the one”. Every new one is “the one” for a minute or so.
Absolutely Cara.
Oh master of backgammon,
Fine job of the push/pull technique. Wrong focus, Right Focus, Up, Down turn around….que wheels on the bus go round and round nursery rhyme.
HG I just find this so hard to understand, no feelings at all, nothing . I just find it incredible . Of course lots of people date that are never really in love or that just kind of like each other etc etc and this has nothing to do with N. But it’s almost like being with people you don’t even like . I just find it so hard to understand that there is absolutely nothing , not even a feeling of some bonding with them . It’s just so unbelievable….. Just out of interest the back ground one / ones that may know about the public one !!! What reason is given why the public one can’t be dumped for the hidden one ?
The bond is fuel. That is what we love.
In terms of what reasons are given for not dumping the public one, how long do you have?
It’s not the right time.
She has exams coming up.
She is having a difficult time at work.
I cant for the sake of the children, not yet.
I need to make sure that everything else is sorted out before I do so.
I will when the time is right.
I know she will go bananas and I cannot deal with that at present.
I know her well enough and therefore I need to choose the best time so it does not affect me and you.
I don’t want to offend anyone but as the public one the relationship was beyond ridiculous and what I put up with makes me more nuts than him . However to be the secret one is even worse , I mean who on earth is putting up with that nonsense . I clearly now know that I lost the plot while with him and blame no one but myself for being such an idiot. But I didn’t know about any others and still don’t know about any . I dumped him a couple of months ago . It’s only now that I’ve learnt all this I’m trying to work out if he def is one but I’m more or less sure he is. It’s only now through all this researching that I have to presume there must have been others . HG can I ask your advice ? I ended it 2 months ago , he of course had the last word as he always does it was off and on continually for 2 years . I’ve had no Hoover . I doubt I’ll get one . But if I do , im in 2 minds ? In your opinion what is worse for him ? If I completely ignore ? Or I tell him I now know what he is ? I feel that by telling him all this. It’s more attention? If I ignore will it annoy him ?
The one thing we hate more than anything is to be criticised, either in actuality or as a consequence of our perception. If you ignore us, you are massively criticising us and it wounds us deeply.Your best course of action is to ignore him. If you tell him you know what he is, if he is a lesser or mid-range of our kind he won’t understand what you mean and will reject it and attack you in order to gain fuel. If he is a greater, he will know what you mean but will not admit it and instead look to provoke you for fuel. For your own emotional stability and in order to progress you are far better off ignoring him, both for yourself and in order to infuriate him. This also means that you are less likely to appear in a sphere of influence and therefore you are less likely to be hovered.
Once again, HG, where were you during the first discard? Okay- maybe the second one. The first one being the first one I was not yet ready to start searching for answers. Had not yet moved into the Head v Heart battle.
Right here, you just had to come to me.
Wish I could forward this list to Number 12, but she would never believe me. Maybe I should send to her bff, who will soon get tired of the “what does he mean by this?” and “why did he do that?”
You might save the BFF some ear ache that much is true.