Isolation
“Hi honey I’m home!”
“Hello darling, how was your day?”
“Brilliant thank you, I kicked ass with my sales figures this month so that bonus is on its way.”
“That’s wonderful, you work so hard and you are so good at what you do.”
“I do my best, but guess who I bumped into when I call at the shops on the way home?”
“I don’t know.”
“Joanna.”
“Oh yes, how is she?”
“She looks really well, she asked after you of course. We stopped to talk for a while actually, well she did most of the talking, you know what she is like. Anyway, she mentioned your weekend away that you are organising for the ladies.”
“Ahuh, is she still coming?”
“Of course, she was very much looking forward to it but she did mention that Angela and Jill had been causing some trouble.”
“Trouble, what do you mean?”
“Well you know I have told you that they are jealous of what you have, you know, with me and they were trying to get people to cancel going on the trip. They’ve been saying that it is just an exercise in your showing off how well we are doing. Utter nonsense of course but you need to keep an eye on those two.”
“Gosh, I know you’ve made mention of it before but I didn’t think they would do something like that. They’re trying to spoil the trip?”
“That’s right. I wouldn’t say anything to them, it would put Joanna in an awkward position, you know?”
“Yes, yes, I understand. How dare they do that?”
“As I told you, it is jealousy. I would delete them from your contacts if I were you.”
“Good idea, I don’t want to be friends with people like that.”
***************
“Well that was nice to see everybody wasn’t it?”
“Yes it was darling, you were a marvellous hostess as usual.”
“Why thank you.”
“Pleasure, mind you, your brother is starting to annoy me. I had to keep from saying something.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think you have noticed but he takes every opportunity to have a dig at you and put you down.”
“Oh that’s just the way he is, ignore it.”
“You see, you are just too nice. No I won’t ignore it, he is being rude and disrespectful. He cannot resist but make some sarcastic quip or supposedly funny remark about everything you do.”
“Well yes, but it doesn’t bother me, not really.”
“I suspect you’ve screened it out so you do not notice as much, but it bothers me.”
“Does it?”
“Of course it does, he is bullying you. I tell you what, let’s not invite him to the barbecue next month, that will make him think.”
“Well, if you think that’s the right thing to do.”
“I absolutely do. I am not having him treat my wonderful wife like that. Remove him from your contacts.”
***********************
“Oh hello is that Joanna? Hi, yes it is HG, yes I am very well thank you. How are you? Good, good. Well, just a quick call to tell you that Kim can’t make tonight. Yes, yes, I know she was so looking forward to it but she isn’t feeling very well. She is asleep at the moment but I thought I should let you know as I think she needs to rest and get better. Yes, I knew you would understand. Yes of course I will tell her. Thank you. Enjoy your night out.”
“Oh hello darling, that was John, Joanna’s wife. The night out is cancelled but he was a bit vague as to why. I think they might be having a few marital difficulties if you know what I mean?”
“Goodness, I had best call her and see if she is okay.”
“No, I don’t think that would help, it sounds a bit fraught over there to be honest, better leave them to it. I find it is best to give them the space to sort themselves out.”
“Yes, you are probably right. Oh what a shame, I was really looking forward to going out.”
“Well look, why don’t we go out instead.”
“Really?”
“Sure.”
“That would be great, oh, but I had better ring Josie and tell her that the night out isn’t happening.”
“Here pass me your ‘phone, I will do it, you go and run a bath and I will bring you a glass of wine up, you look like you could do with it.”
“Thank you darling, she is in my contacts, just after Joanna’s number.”
“They won’t be for much longer.”
“Sorry?”
“I said, ‘Thanks, I don’t want to ring a wrong number.”
“Yes, thank you, you are so kind.”
**************************
“Darling, we can’t go for lunch at your parents today?”
“Why what’s wrong?”
“I’m not well. Stomach upset. Not good. I wouldn’t want them to catch it.”
“Sure, sure, I will let them know.”
*****************************
“Darling, we can’t go for lunch at your parents today?”
“Why not?”
“Have you forgotten I have friends coming over for the game?”
“Have you?”
“Yes I told you about this weeks ago.”
“Really, I don’t remember.”
“I did; I know I told you because I explained how Carl was going to bring over that new book for me to borrow. “
“Oh okay, I know they will be disappointed, it is weeks since we have seen them.”
“I know but things just seem to be getting in the way at present.”
**********************
“Good evening darling, how was work?”
“Oh the usual, getting tougher, it has been a difficult week again.”
“I have noticed so that is why I have made an executive decision.”
“Oh yes and what is that?”
“I have decided that each Friday you deserve to do something special so I have organised for just you and me to do something together everything Friday for the next three months whilst this project of yours is ongoing. I am not telling you what I have organised, they are surprises. Something to look forward to and a reward of sorts.”
“Oh darling you are wonderful, that is so thoughtful. Oh but I have a few things organised with friends and families on Fridays over the coming weeks.”
“That doesn’t matter, I will take care of that for you. I want you to be relieved of having to entertain people, cook for them and so on, you do too much of that, even though you are great at it. Pass me your ‘phone and I will take them out of your contacts, I mean out of your diary and block out the time for us instead.”
“Thank you, you are so good to me, I love you so much.”
“I know.”
*******************************
“Well that was a great dinner party.”
“Yes it was, thank you for being such an accommodating hostess.”
“My pleasure. Mind you, it was mainly your friends, mine don’t seem to bother with me as much these days.”
“Well people have their own lives to lead, they get busy you know? But they should try to make some time for you otherwise how can you consider them to be friends of yours?”
“Yes I suppose you are right.”
“Besides, my friends think you are wonderful.”
“Do they? Well I always try to make them welcome.”
“Oh you do, that’s why those so called friends of yours do not deserve you. You know it does not harm to have a purge of those people who claim to be your friends but don’t live up to the title. Clear them out. Besides you have me and my friends and you are very popular with them.”
“You know you are right, I am going to go through my contact list and have a clear out.”
“You do that my love, you will feel better afterwards, believe me.”
*************************
“Hi darling, I have just run into your best friend on the way out of the nail bar.”
“Who, Andy?”
“Yes, he was ever so pleasant. Mind you he was telling me that Sarah has been gossiping about me again.”
“She is always letting her mouth flap; I have to say I don’t like her.”
“Well I am inclined to agree with you so she’s another one who is getting struck off my contact list. I don’t see much of her anyway and besides I have always got you haven’t I?”
“Of course you have my love and you always will have. Which reminds me to ask you where you fancy going away next weekend, I think we deserve a few days together, just you and me, the best way to be.”
*****************************
“Oh my God, he has left me, he has finally done it, after all those months of horrible behaviour he has just walked out on me, why, why has he done this? Why do that to me after everything I have done for him? I don’t understand. I feel sick. I feel dizzy. I need to ring somebody; this just doesn’t make sense. Where is my ‘phone. Here it is. I need support I will just ring someone to come over, I can’t be alone, not after what he’s done. Jesus, I am shaking, this is awful. Wait, what’s this, I can’t call anybody, my contacts list is empty. When did that happen?”
75 thoughts on “Isolation”
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What happens when all efforts of isolation don’t work? Family, friends, child, work…does it just become too much work, devaluation begins and, as soon as a primary replacement is secured, moves to final discard?
Is the attempt to isolate a victim fail and there is outside interference which affects the fuel provision, this will hasten devaluation and eventual discard. We would want the replacement lined up but even that may not happen if the interference is so significant.
Divide and conquer. This post could be a training manual. I only have one friend, sometimes. It was funny. She and I went on vaca and nothing says, “I trust you” more than saying, “try not to think of me when you’re (bonking) her.” At the time I was horrified. I get it now.
That’s a good one 1Jaded.
This triggered me big time. And I’ve been following you for a while. I have the strong compulsion to tell you to fuck yourself! But still love you HG lol
So that’s a push and a pull Gina, now where have I heard about those behaviours before? Thank you for reading.
HG- in my last relationship with the socioNarc, he was far too smart to be this overtly controlling because I had confided in him early on that I divorced my ex because he had successfully cut me off from my support group and friends only to emotionally discard (he would never physically leave me though I wished for it) – Instead, SocioNarc ATE up all my time, he wanted to go EVERYWHERE I went but was super fun and loving about it. I felt he was just crazy about my company…he did not appear jealous (although it would come out sideways). Eventually my friends got sick of being around him and not being able to share time just with me – but I was so smitten and trauma bonded- I did not see what was going on. Thank God for true friends, I never lost one through the whole ordeal- they had my BACK even when I coukdnt see straight.
Hi Bethany, thanks for that. Have you been peering into my study recently as what you describe is the content of an article which will go out today/tomorrow so no doubt you will read it and see if it appears familiar. You are fortunate that you have such committed friends.
Busted again!!! Narcissists alwYs find out what we’re up to…or they simply IMAGINE it. Nonetheless, I imagine your study to be a place that one under your spell might experience that heart caught in throat and ears throbbing with the sound of one’s own blood whilsts peeking around looking into clues of your psyche. I should know.
HG what are your thoughts on the other way around , a N needing time alone . Little bit different to you post but , mine claimed that he felt the need for alone time . He said he knew this wasn’t normal but the feeling to be alone was over powering at times . What are your thoughts on this ? Could this be true or is it gaslighting ?
We repeatedly tell you that we need some time to be alone. This period of isolation, away from you, to allow us to be with our thoughts, to rest and to relax, to reflect on matters and regard what has happened is very important to us. It is a moment of retreat,a place where we can perhaps be ourselves for a time, a special place away from the demands that you place on us, a little place of sanctuary in a fast and ferocious world.
Have you heard similar reasons advanced for our kind needing some “alone time”? Of course you have. Here is that it is ; horse crap.
By claiming to need some time alone we are doing the following: –
1. Exerting control over you, we tell you when we are removing ourselves from the relationship and you are expected to agree;
2. This is a silent treatment but best of all, we get you to consent to it. How clever are we?
3. Your reaction to it will provide us with fuel;
4. We leave you wondering what we are doing, whether we are thinking about you etc – this provides fuel to us and also increases your anxiety
5. We aren’t using the time to be alone, we are working on gathering fuel from other sources and quite possibly organising your replacement.
Why would someone who needs the emotional reaction of other people choose to be alone for a protracted period of time? They won’t. There might be a day alone or an afternoon once in a while for some of our kind who are sufficiently fuelled but even then that is still designed to exert control over you and gather fuel.
I find there is another side to this as well.
On the one hand, you have what you so eloquently describe above – planting the seeds of mistrust and scorn for her friends, family members, acquaintances, etc. which will encourage her to cut ties.
From one perspective, it seems evil and cruel because the end result ensures that, when the see saw falls away from under the victim and she comes crashing violently to the ground, there is no one there to offer support, consolation or love. The victim is left bruised, bloodied and bewildered and there is no one to confide in.
On the other hand, the victim sees how outgoing, popular and charming you are, and secretly (or maybe foolishly no so secretly) wants you all to herself. She doesn`t want to share you with anyone else. She wants to be the apple of your eye and vice versa. Jealousy is sparked when she sees your lieutenants and coterie hanging on to you for dear life. Anger is piqued when you are surrounded by a bevvy of beauties, any one of which could easily snatch you away from her at any moment. She would be quite happy to hide you away from the admirers and onlookers if it meant your place at her side would be more secure.
One can`t blame you for having such expectations when often the victim has them herself. The reasons may be different, but the intent remains the same.
So you mean the victim isolates herself to posses the N?
LMAO- project much? I do now at least get and believe you absolutely understand nothing about “my” kind!!!
It could be considered projection if I was ever a victim. But since I am not, I am actually sharing experiences that have been shared with me by others.
And thank you for the laugh. I had a good one myself!
The comments all happened to me but I stii have all my contacts. It seems this is like a footprint from the N.. Common to all.,
I emjoyed the little stories 😃😃
HG Tudor’s posts are an excellent insight into the mindset of the narcissist. He tells it like it is. Some therapists think you can reason with narcissists. Either they are very stupid or the narcissist is very clever.
I grew up watching my father do this to my mother. Then he started doing it to me. My mom gave a birthday party for me and I invited some school friends. The party was fine except my father came in towards the end with a face like thunder. The next day he sat me down and explained that the girls I invited weren’t “true friends”. He went on to tell me all the terrible things their parents or relatives had done in the past (we lived in a rural area) and how I would be better off without them as friends. I never had a party again.
He tried to stop me leaving home at 18 by hiding application forms for colleges. I worked in the family business for a while and he always found an excuse to dock my pay to zilch or if he did pay me he would “reinvest” the money for my own good. I could drive but I was rarely allowed to use the family car. I was lucky of I got out once a month. Again the friends I made weren’t suitable and their families had done terrible things in the past (usually to my father).
I escaped but he kept hoovering me back because my mom was ill a lot. To this day he rebukes me for having a paid job outside the home. Unfortunately I did not escape properly but that’s another story. I am now losing the friends I had because both my parents are in failing health and they need my attention when I am not working. The pressure to give up my job gets stronger every day.
Having a narcissistic parent is a living death. A child is nothing but prey to them, something to be used and abused. A narcissists child is not allowed to have their own identity and is not seen as a person in their own right. They exist to serve the narcissist until he or she dies. Even then try to exert control beyond.the grave.
Narcissists should be sterilised so they don’t inflict their misery on further generations.
Hello Elle, the classic moves of isolation and control run most evidently through your experience with your father. Your father will have hated you having a birthday party because the attention was on you and not him and then he sought to provoke a reaction from you by warning you against fraternising with these people under the auspices of protecting you by warning you about the awful things their parents had apparently done. This set the stage for the control and the isolation which has followed thereafter in order to keep you where he can control you and meting out repeated reminders that he is the one in control ( car usage, docking your pay etc). Your sentiments are understandable. Presumably you are an only child?
H, (NO more snarky titles as it could be offense to others 😭 unless you give me permission then it’s game on),
I have to break the email promise I made u here or rule as it were. It’s obviously my job on this blog to break all laws and ignore rules. Rebel with a cause.
Ok. So My Forever Narc. I say that because we have been off and on for 29 years and I have known him 38 years. He and I grew up on the same street. His isolation was to move me 2500 miles from home to California. I seen him for a week in December talked on phone til April (No internet it’s 1988) paid to fly me out for 3 weeks and his friend paid for my “friend” to come. We get there and have no sex? He wants it to be special plus he heard I was like fort Knox (uh he was mistaken as I was very promiscuous, no he did homework, he knew). One day I got headache. He says oh I wanted to take u on a motorcycle ride through the mountains. Hmmm let’s tuck you in bed and hey maybe your friend T can go instead? I really wanted to ride today it’s so nice out. (T is staying there too). I say yes that’s fine ask her. She goes, I nap. Wake up an hour later. Wonder where they are. 2 more hours go by. They walk in laughing and joking and I’m pissed off. (As I know that T is a total slut and has slept with 2 of my previous boyfriends) I say where were you? She says I gotta go take a shower that ride made me all sweaty. He says we went for a ride, how’s your head? Fine I say. What took you so long? Oh we lost track of time is all. But I have to tell you I’m worried about T. Why? Well she’s very jealous of you. Really? Yes, in fact she said some nasty things about our relationship. She did? Yes. If I were you I’d be careful with her. She wants what we have. Didn’t you tell me that she slept with your ex-boyfriends? Uh yes I did. He says well I wouldn’t put it past her to try that with me, she’s awfully flirty and I don’t want to be around someone who would betray their friends like that. Do you? Hmmm no I don’t, that bitch. Yes when you fly back home I’d stop talking to her. We will just have to tolerate her for now. Yes forever Narc you are so right, thank you for looking out for me. He says you mean us. (Insert maniacal laugh). Now I look back at all the tricks I fell for. Do you think he had sex with her? Rhetorical of course. Flash forward to this past March. We are texting. I say WTF, your friends with T on FB? He says yes she requested it though, why? I said delete her immediately. He says why? Uh, you know why. Laughs. Okay I’ll get right on that. Few days go by we are on skype. He says I wanted to post that picture I have of K to T’s FB page but I couldn’t cuz I deleted her. I say FU you did not. He says oh u checked? Yes I did you F’er and I knew you wouldn’t listen. Are you mad? he says. I say no, I know your games and I fucked her kids dad so she hates me. Talk to her if you want. He says oh no i’d never do that, she’s jealous of us….he laughs. Still triangulating after all these years. I’m married and still go back to this…why H why? Sorry for stealing the floor. Hoovering forever is a real thing. H is right. They will never stop. I’m living proof. H should I clam up? U will only get that joke H if you read my post about clam theory. It’s on one of your older posts. I’m waiting for your thoughts on that and the above hanging on the edge of my seat. (Didn’t Freddie Mercury sing that? I heard his voice when I wrote it).
You can use whatever title you wish with me, although ones lauding my magnificence are of course the ones I desire and I ask that you address others by the title they have adopted in this arena.
You apologized to me and asked for it to stop. I agreed. Is this a green light for the games to begin again because I do love to play games.
I don’t take offense but when something or someone is just flat out wrong I tend not to bite either side of my forked tongue.
I for one can’t wait to see what clever monikers you come up with next!!!!
B&T,
Sorry, my comments were directed to HG. You can continue to play solitaire.
Pieces such as this where you apply scenarios, which are so relatable really are effecting for showcasing how prevalent the abuse is. Brilliant writing, as always.
Thank you Miss S.
HG a highly thorough and comprehensive display of the use of manipulative to separate and isolate a victim.
I did have a boyfriend in college, who didn’t want me to spend time with certain family and friends, he deemed unworthy of me.He once yanked the phone out of the wall while I was talking to them. He cited jealousy and wanted to spend time alone with me, he was away a lot due to being inthe Navy. I left him after he refused couple therapy and from his abusive behaviour. I left went he was at sea. He returned home To all my stuff and I, gone, he harassed me for awhile, but I ended that. I saw his sister in law few years later out socially, where she informed me his new gf looked exactly like me, so much so the family kept calling her my name.
I did have a bf go through my cell opine once while “we” were sleeping, only to wake me up and ask me who a certain man was in my contacts. He was a work colleague that I needed his number as he was my relief staff. Took an hour to convince him of that truth. The contact wa snot deleted by the way. Let me say. He was more then a tad jealous. He had no reason, I have never cheated on partner, I am loyal a be faithful. He was one of my stalkers.
And what of your contacts HG. Would you stand for them to be deleted by a primary source or have them even suggest you remove a fb friend or phone contact ?
Thank you.
No, nobody ever gains access to my ‘phones and if they suggested that I make a correction amongst contacts my reaction would depend on whether it was during the golden period or otherwise.
I ask because one of the two in question recently was someone he had a fling with in the past and she was all over his social media, I asked he remove her from fb. He refused citing she has issues and it would be unfair of him to inextricably axe her for no reason. Mind you I didn’t know these women were fuel sources and disengaged appliances at the time. This is the reason why she was not axed, for if I was no longer providing him fuel he Would get a quick fix till a new primary source was put in place. This was in Golden period HG, I am sure he felt I had no right to ask. He asked me to remove someone he felt was flirty with me on social media, I removed him, because I agreed, he was inappropriate. The fact he lied to me for years on this person and I have proof now, should feel good, but it does not.
I found myself thankful of the isolation after he left, it was a bit of relief to not have to deal with people while I gripped my reality and his truth, I needed time and space to lick my wounds discovering what a fool I had been, I had to deal with shame, the onset of realizing how incredibly stupid I had been for so long, and I found quickly after some isolation, and going incognito, others came out of the woodwork seeking me, for curiosity is hard to resist. I needed that isolation, it forced me to heal rather then run to other “saviors” I am sure I would have otherwise found myself quickly in the hands of another Narc, probably worse than the one I just lost.
Yeah dear CC, I understand u quite well! first 2 months i also needed my time alone.
P.s. although it happened once i realised i have nobody to go and speak with.. my close friends were gone and it took me half of the year to restore relationships with them..
In after-NARC reality u r alone… totally alone to face it..
YO, I felt alone the entire duration of the relationship and that was 14 years, I couldn’t really ever divulge the truth about my relationship with my narc, so when it was over, I realized in reality it wasn’t anything I was not accustomed to. The difficult part was feeling alone from him.
Yes, they slowly cut you off from everyone by making it seem like they have your best interest at heart. They slowly take over the control of the contact by making it seem like they are being kind and taking care of things for you. It is crazy how effective it is.
Very much the case.
In erasing others they hope to erase us ( our identities) as well. That we become reliant upon them, an extension of them. Where they become Our only source and Savouir.
Manipulation at it’s finest, however I can’t fathom this working more than once or twice, even with the most naive and trusting individual. Surely suspicion would arise and a call to clarify the situation would eventually occur.
In my case, that clarification call would be made on the first instance and my first and final warning to stop the games would be given.
Yes HG, I can clearly see why you choose to only target the easy prey. Great read as always😊
There are many more ways to achieve the isolation and of course the nature of the threats, control and intimidation increase in order to prevent those clairification calls. Do not under estimate the effect of the “me or your friends” threat as well.
Oh yes, the good old ultimatum. The problem arises when the one giving it isn’t prepared for not being the chosen one.
I’ve no idea what you mean !
Of course you don’t, you’ve mastered your vetting process🍻
For research purposes, I’d love for you to dance with an elite N or sociopath! Imagine the potential and talk about a power couple! Since relationships with empaths always end in the same fashion, what do you have to lose by shaking up your formula? Other than some extra exerted energy and possibly the risk of being bested😉
Me bested? I think not. The extra energy expenditure is a concern, after all, if do that will I have any left for you NQN? I will tell you this much though, you will get your wish to some degree when I relate my battle versus MatriNarc, that is me going head to head with an elite N, but not as elite as me, when I detail that it should provide you with some answers and interest.
Oooh I can’t wait! I’ve read so much about the relationships between empaths and N’s but there’s so little written about the relationships of disordered individuals and how they fare together. I’ve only ever read about these couples when they’re in the news for some awful crime they’ve been committing. I’d be interested to know how the dynamics play out in attempting a functional, semi healthy relationship🤔
Not quite a Narc,
Please Read or listen to the words of the song love the way you lie part 2 by Rihanna and Eminem. That’s the relationship between two narcissists or sociopaths or psychopaths or any combination of those together as they all end up sado masochistic. Very hard to break because fuel flies both ways.
I love that song but I’ve always interpreted it as someone suffering from battered women’s syndrome who keeps returning to her batterer. He promises to change and will never strike out again only to break that promise. Interesting to listen to the song from the prospective you provided. I have strong traits and won’t accept any type of abuse, so it’s difficult to imagine a scenario like that between two individuals with either NPD or APD.
I love that song and I’ve always interpreted it as someone suffering from battered women’s syndrome who keeps returning to her batterer. He promises to change and will never strike out again only to break that promise. But you’re right, in the video she’s just as intense and chaotic as he is and it seems they’re addicted to one another. It was interesting to listen to the song from the prospective you provided. I have strong traits and won’t accept any type of abuse, so it’s difficult to imagine a scenario playing out like that for me. However, I can definitely see how it can be compared to a “tornado meeting a volcano”!
NQN,
Yes in the lyrics Eminem sings no matter how many knives we put in each others backs, we’ll still have each other’s back….they are locked in a Love/Hate relationship. Sad.
HG, Is it not true that somatic/cerebral can be soulfulness in a narcissictic world a match in heaven although one is dominantly somatic and will eventually have multiple partners (to replenish fuel) ? They can be as one.
when you write soulfulnesss, Leilani, what do you mean?
I am highly suspicious person, I would wonder why I hadn’t heard from said Person and call them regardless. I would find out and have it out with him.
I agree, I don’t trust anyone so I question anything that may seem off and begin a thorough investigation! I’ve never had anyone attempt to do any of these things to me but I imagine it wouldn’t go over well.
I have trust issues, so I don’t blindly trust and always question. I do believe when I receive answers that satisfy my query. Investigation is the Right word, indeed, not quite anarc.
You are not easy prey, lovely. Not by a long shot.
Sometimes though, I find, a challenging hunt makes the prey that much tastier…juicier….more tender.
Care to follow me into the woods, beauty? 😉 <3
Remember I like to lurk in the woods.
B&T, it just so happens that the woods are a favorite play place of mine. However, I must insist that I be the one to lead the way😏
Now now ladies, I lead the way, you can hold a hand each.
HG,
I count on lurkers, afterall, I need an entre to go with my appetizer😘
Ha ha very good.
Yes HG…..we can both take a hand and you can lead the way.
I am sure the destination is most dangerous but I’m certainly up for the adventure. Absolutely thrilling.
What do you think Not Quite….
And I must add the only person I’d follow is HG.
No disrespect, at all of course, but it’s rare I follow anyone at all. Except in this case. Only in this case in fact.
Doesn’t that make me a good girl….
B&T,
That is one walk I’d gladly take. 3 alpha’s entering the woods hand in hand, the possibilities are endless!
I have already penned a tale to match such an instance happening.
HG I never had any of this with my N. He never asked where I was or what I was doing or who with . I was the public girlfriend. There were set days that I seen him Friday’s and Saturdays . Occasionally during the week I would see him but hardly ever , he would text every day but only once day just like a , hi are you ok ? Text. He claimed to feel the need for alone time a lot and said he knew that was not normal. He had very set routines and obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which I’ve since learnt about . He would with draw and use silent treatment . He was completely uninterested in any aspect of my life and never questioned anything . What are your thoughts on this ? Is this not an N?
Can you expand Lisa on how you knew you were the public girlfriend please?
Hi HG , he had been single for 2 years since his last long term girlfriend which lasted 5 years but was on and off. His whole history of girlfriends are on and off. And claims all his exes were physco. I was involved with his family at family functions out with his friends . His family were involved when we broke up one time as they were fed up with him and supportive of me . Saying I was the best thing that happened to him for years . He also went to them a couple of times and they contacted me to get back with him. I would be out with him every Saturday night with his friends and sometimes his sister. I asked his sister if there were other women since he broke up with his ex 2 years ago and she said no she had not met one or heard him speak of one . They don’t know what he is they just think he’s commitment phobic and a bit immature and believe that all his girlfriends were unsuitable or they just think he hadn’t met the one . All his relationships have been caotic. He doesn’t show certain aspects of his character in front of his family .
Thank you for adding the detail Lisa. I do not think, in his mind, that he regards you as his public girlfriend but rather part of the chaos that has defined his previous relationships. His family evidently think well of you and they may well regard you as the public girlfriend but I do not think that he does.
HG thanks for your response and it’s interesting that you say I was not his public girlfriend ? When I was the only one his friends or family met for a couple of years and previously to that he was single (ha ha ) why do you think I was not also kept a secret then ? In fact when I think about it , he went out if his way to make me public , bringing his friends to my work place ? Thank you
Lisa it looks like u had friends with benefits with him, not relationship..
Yo, this is his idea of a relationship, minimum effort as possible and doesn’t interfere with his routine . Nobody meets the family or friends if they are not the girlfriend, but his idea of girlfriend is not normal . I think the others were internet hook ups. He’s very adolescent. I never knew about others nor did I know he was a N. I just knew the relationship was all on his terms and not suitable for me. That’s why I kept ending it . It has always been off and on. It’s only since this break up that I’ve realised he could be a N
Damn, those contacts HG.
Indeed.
Hello to the group I have come to know as bright and quite evolved. I am enjoying this forum and am not one to stay on the sidelines. So this is my introductory comment as a way of saying hello. I dated a narc for only 4 months and am grateful that it ended so quickly and he never devalued me with harsh words. He just went away. That was 3 months ago. More on that later. Relative to this post, very insightful! He told me that although he loved my impromptu visits to him at work, his partners had made some comments about how often I was there. Now I see it was him manipulating me — I also see what a puppet I was (hindsight) and he is a maestro marionette. HG, you are sort of my hero….
Welcome Onlynow, I am pleased you are enjoying the forum and thank you for posting. How did you know that you dated a narcissist? Did you know whilst you were dating or find out later and if so how? When he went away what do you mean? Did he just leave you alone or did he leave the area?
I shall have to work on moving from “sort of your hero” to “hero”.
HG: Wow. You are also a maestro…I am aware of a heightening of my reaction to your “desire” to become my hero. Fascinating. Onto your questions which I am more than pleased to answer…I want to be succinct since I have a lot to share. First, I am a huntress and have always enjoyed being the aggressor. My husband of 21 years was an example of my confidence and knowing what I want and how to get it. He’s not a narc and we remain friends and coparent our 18 year old twins. So, my view of a sociopath was only the ones who ended up on the news – Ted Bundy and the like. When I met my Narc, who was my first relationship since divorce, I didn’t know he was love-bombing me – I assumed he saw how special I was – I guess I am like an evolved empath. We were planning on buying a home together. The final week of our relationship, I was aware that something was different – he told some weird stories and his communication became infrequent. So, when he tried calling me twice on Monday, I didn’t take his calls. I didn’t call Tuesday. Wednesday, I tried to call him. Then I texted him. As luck would have it, a girlfriend called me to tell me he was back on a dating site. I called a relative of his who was kind enough to fill me in on all of the things I didn’t know (5 hour’s worth…). I innately went no contact. I, like so many others, found my answers on the internet. I am completely fascinated about the continuum of narcissistic/sociopath personality disorder. It describes him. And, I am not interested in having anything to do with him. I am so grateful that it was a short relationship; that I never co-mingled funds; and I have an incredible group of friends and a close family who I didn’t skip a beat with even while I dated the narc. He is a highly-acclaimed physician and works long hours. I have a career I love and children I adore. I dodged a bullet. And, I have a long line of suitors who want my attention and companionship. Now, I have red flags that when seen, I honor. Just stopped taking calls from a man who said I was his soulmate before we even met. My technicolor life, along with my new HG fixation, keeps me pleasantly fulfilled. In closing, I loved your book on Sex and the Narcissist….a real page turner!
Hello Onlynow, thank you for sharing that and I am pleased you enjoyed Sex and the Narcissist. You did indeed dodge a bullet and moreover going forward you evidently have fine-tuned your perception to pick up on those red flags and even more importantly, take notice of them. Given this awareness and your admission that you are a huntress are you never inclined to try to play the individual who has shown the red flags? You would be an interesting challenge for seduction indeed!
HG: Did you receive my reply to your most welcoming post? I did send it along but haven’t seen it in this thread. I want to ensure you know I would never just disappear after just introducing myself.
Hello Onlynow, I have a lot of posts queuing at present so I suspect it is in there. If it does not appear today/tomorrow please send again.