The Lure of the Message
The message – whether in text form or through some other electronic medium – is a tempting and ultimately manipulative tool of ours. During our seduction of you we use it to brilliant effect, peppering your day with these short form billets-doux in order to draw you close to us. The glowing compliments sent through letters glowing on your screen. The tingle, the excitement and the smile to oneself on receipt of this message. They are like so many little gifts, each one waiting to be opened by you and the delight spreading across you face as you read the latest missive that contains our rapturous love for you. Each time one arrives you wonder what it might read and you are never disappointed as we sprinkle our fairy dust over you from afar through the electronic devices we are both connected to. You feel wonderful, savouring that rush of appreciation. It is fantastic and memorable and you never delete them, storing up all these heartfelt tributes and declarations. We know you will keep them and most of all when the misery descends you will sit scrolling back through these text exchanges, evidence of a happier time, remnants of the golden period.
As time advances you begin to expect these messages. It is entirely understandable. You get used to waking and seeing a message waiting for you, more welcome than a cup of tea or coffee being brought to your bed. You anticipate the rush and we do not let you down. The content of the message feeding your desire for love, affection and passion.
This repeated sending of messages is designed to condition you. We want you to equate the arrival of the message with pleasure, with affection and with love. We ingrain it into your routine. The first thing you do on awakening is to reach for your phone on your nightstand and look for our message. This is done to make you frequently check your ‘phone during the day to see if there is a message from you. You experience phantom vibrations when you ‘phone is on silent and in your bag or pocket. You pluck it out and check and feel dismayed as there is no message. Perhaps there is but it is not from us and you being to feel anxious as you await your daily hit. Eventually it arrives and you feel the surge of delight coursing through you as we deliver. Little by little, in accordance with our methodology of salami-slicing you start to focus on the relevant device, waiting for the ping, the buzz and/or the flash of light. You keep glancing at your ‘phone, mind unable to focus on the task in hand. Once that message arrives, you open it, devouring it like a starving man given food after two weeks adrift at sea. You spend more time responding to the messages, checking the ‘phone and cultivating ways to keep the flow of messages going so that it becomes the matter which you focus on the most during the course of your day. You wait, watch, check and keep back and forth beginning to will the ‘phone to buzz and provide that message.
Soon you start to prompt them, messaging us first when you have not heard from us. Once you waited a morning, then an hour and now it has become the first thing you do when you wake up. You see no message from us so you message us. We reply at once and the relief washes over you in an awesome way. But then the reply times elongate and that short space becomes a longer pause, a growing hiatus and this prompts you to message again. Oh we know the messages you will send to try to pretend you are not anxious because you have not heard from us.
“I’m not sure if my message reached you, my ‘phone has been playing up.”
“I am struggling for signal here. Did you get my message?”
“Just wanted to check my message reached you.”
“Don’t worry about responding straight away, I know you are busy.”
“Just wanted to make sure everything is alright, no rush, answer when you can.”
The desperation seeps through the ‘phone, the increasing anguish and anxiety tangible and then we release you from your worries and reply which prompts a flurry or replies, your gratitude evident even though you may not write as such. How the fuel flows and it is all deliberate. We have actively structured our approach so that you become conditioned to act this way. The ‘phone becomes the barometer of your day. Early message received? You can relax and enjoy the next two hours until you start wondering where the next one is. Such power is wielded by us through the simple act of sending you a message and we haven’t even started on using it to devalue you yet.
So often you rely on receiving the message but the irony is, you rarely actually get the message.
27 thoughts on “The Lure of the Message”
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I haven’t spoken to my N in 2 months, we also had a 2 week break for Christmas from having to see each other in a professional setting, the first day back, he “accidentally” pocket dialed me… i know it was on purpose as he had the phone to his ear and responded back when i said hello. He used the excuse of pocket dialing. I am sure he did it to check my attitude towards him OR he wasn’t expecting i would answer and he would leave a pocket dialing voicemail, to test me if I’d call him back.
Thoughts on this? Is this typcial? A hoover?
What should i expect now that i have to see him in person again daily?
Yes it is a hoover.
As to what you can expect I would need more information about your dynamic in order to answer this accurate and therefore a consultation would be required.
Can’t disagree with any of that HG , every single word is TRUE .
At the beginning I was absolutely bombarded with text every minute & hour of the day ..It felt fabulous !
Towards the end though & after a very long devaluation, I was quite relived not to get the messages . I’d gone past the worried /concerned stage , in fact when they did occasionally arrive it was a case of .. Oh not again . Whereas once they would fill me with delight, in the end it nothing more than fear & dread. ..
Yes the morning and lunch time phone calls and Messages and emails daily during golden period. Then slowly reduced in various areas with a host of lies and excuses as to why. The lack of return of message , phone calls and Emails or not answering phone.
The. Emails that followed a silent treatment that seemed so impersonal, like I ignored him. All the while claiming he has never ignored me. Even during silent treatments.
The hateful words and Messages, written and spoken when wanting to hurt and strike out.
The false apologetic messages that made me feel blame and guilt.
So many different and varying messages and meanings.
All planned and carefully calculated.
Yes, So sad….the threat of a message or some form of contact that doesn’t come and you feel relieved, then when least expecting it it arrives.
Words have always had such joy of meaning to me, even with him up until last year. What saddens me is the destruction of something that brought me comfort and joy. That it tarnishes other forms of communication with other people, as well. Phone calls, fb, emails et cetera. It almost set a paranoia at play in deciphering what or why someone wrote this or that.
Moving on…..one letter and word at a time.
I have a question for you HG. I’m out in the field between work etc. So I have no choice but to type fast on this cell. What if an elite narcissist is with a lesser and the “fuel” (as it stands, it is about the “fuel”), is low and the elite narcissist has no choice but to set him aside (or her) to acquire more fuel from “secondaries” what does the elite narcissist do in the situation where the lesser narcissist does a NC due to the inevitable consequences and is not able to control the Elite narcissist? How does the elite N hoover? Afterall, it is about “fuel and “control” wait… maybe the lesser may very well be a codependent but shows signs of inverted narcissist behaviour? Your internal thoughts?
I shall assume you mean a greater who is with a lesser for the purposes of your question Leilani. Firstly, I doubt that a greater would acquire a lesser and if they did it would not be for long because the fuel would not be at the required level. The greater will discard way before the lesser would even attempt a NC. Moreover, the greater would not supply fuel to the lesser, so the lesser would also be looking to go elsewhere.
Have seen this pattern so many times it’s scary. Either N’s are a growing population or I’m a massive magnet for them.
But I’ve always worked on the principle of not initiating texts so if they don’t text me I don’t text them.
I find it amusing how they disappear for weeks then start texting as though nothing has happened but I refuse to be upset by it. I’m worth so much more than silly mind games!
I get very excited and happy when I receive a message 💓💓💓
Agreed Nikita, if the text bring you good news , a nice surprise a smiley face 🙂 a dozen xxxxx or a virtual ( Hug) .. We all love those . x
It’s the vile , nasty abusive text that hurt or the stark realisation that a narc can in effect control you without speaking a single word …
Yes so sad. Agree totally . And this control with nasty texts…. Awareness and knowledge is the best to gain.. Never again A nasty text will cause a reaction from me.
* Smiles .. so nice to hear that from you Nikita . x
I
He played me like a fiddle. 🙁
Thought I was being so cool & casual the times I texted the last 2 things you mentioned.
Yup!
Just another link broken in the chain, I may have to sift a few thoughts or emotions discarding the trained tapes that play in my mind, but I can come to the logical conclusion I’m not special to this person I mean absolutely nothing, and all contact, verbal or silent is a game I need not exert any energy on, I must say your blogs have assisted this for me to put in practice, to recognise my sources of validation as codependent equivalent to your fuel, only I can excercise the fact I actually don’t need outside validation to feel good anymore, I can provide all I need within inside myself.
Thank you CC and that is correct. You mean everything to us in terms of fuel, but we regard you as nothing because we are the special ones, not you.
Oh I get the message. The message is that YOU can always reach me, but when I want to reach you, you’re always just out of reach. It’s because your mobile phone doesn’t get recption where you are, because my emails are going to your spam folder, because your assistant didn’t tell you I called (yet again), it’s never your fault I can’t reach you unless you want something from me.
Quite a clever fellow, that HG…
I always blame your lack of response on the time difference, oh no shouldn’t have said that. I can hear that excuse flying out of your keyboard now. Add that to my file.
Blame? What’s that?
My bad. What are you doing up so late at your evil empire? Stalking the Internet for fuel provider? dont you have stock in BP? Or are you involved in a hostile takeover?
Writing.
Let’s not forget how lucky you were that we allowed you entry into our world, incorporating your messages into our day, putting a value to them, appreciating them, thus appreciating you. Then you toss it all away.
I think you will find Clarece that you are the lucky ones being allowed to gaze on such golden brilliance.
You are the lucky ones feeling our love from the depths of our soul. That which you crave since you feel an empty void at your core.
Wow.. So true!! That is the hardest part to give up because the loneliness sets in.
I have a question. After a silent period or discard and another N steps in during your hoovering, what are your reactions and thoughts?
Hello Jen, I am assuming that another N makes a move on my victim? If so, the proprietary interest that I have in that victim means I will out seduce the prowling N. I stand a greater chance of success because I have seduced the victim once already and I know them better than the new N. I also have them addicted to me and not him. They will be chased off my turf with a baring of the teeth and the slithering of protective tendrils around my chosen victim, binding them closer to me.
I am more forthright and honest in my approach…why are you ignoring me? No need to pretend I am not anxious or distressed by such, I am and they are aware I am. I am an open book of emotions. I see no need for pretense or game playing.
Again, no message, is a message.