But How? But Why? But Who?
I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.
“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”
I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.
Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?
This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.
You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,
“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”
It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-
- You must know what has happened and make sense of it
- You want to make things right
- You want the wonderful golden period again
21 thoughts on “But How? But Why? But Who?”
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So you do not love people but when you say “enjoy” things like music and writing, that is a positive emotion, no? You can feel joy?
I could somewhat conclude you can feel good things from the safety of your self-built protection but never anything that would result in your vulnerability. Is that how you could describe it?
No, I feel power because I regard the music as written specifically for me, or the book specifically for me, or my football team has scored just for me.
Interesting… My narc was a first class nut case. He fits everything you say HG. Sorry you guys ended up this way, can’t imagine! Mine was also a repressed gay to top things off (I believe). I kicked him out finally and it was a hell ride escaping him. He got a new supply right away and would try to hoover me back when the new source soured. He has another one on the go so I hear. He has not bothered me since March so I feel safe. The cover of your book Fury made me laugh because that is the exactly how he looked minus the flames when he would fly into a rage. Hands all curled up and shaking, head thrown back and screaming like a wild animal, it didnt take much to send him into that state and thank God my dog was watching him and ready to rip his face off if he tried anything. I feel I was the only one he experienced that gave it back to him as good as he dished it out. I was a great supply source. LOL!!! All the red flags were there but I was in love with the lunatic so took a year or so to get it. I want to say to you HD this… Thank you for taking your NPD and using it for good to help people, a rarity indeed.
Hello Mary, when did you realise what you were dealing with? What caused you to get rid of him? How long did it take you feel that you were rid of him? Did he get a new primary source straight away or was one waiting in the wings? No it never takes much to ignite the fury, the test is being able to keep the fury under control until it can be directed in the right manner. You are welcome.
I unfortunately married him. Divorce will be final this August. He came into my life like a storm, two years from start to finish. He swept me off of my feet really but around the 4 month mark he started acting odd and I am a highly confrontational type of woman so I called him out and at first he would settle down but then he started smashing things in my home like a dresser, obliterated it! He began to sexually reject me and a male friend of mine told me he felt he was staring in that way at him. His first wife told me she felt he was gay for years. I confronted him finally on the the gay thing and he flew into the most horrible rage I had ever seen him display. I don’t believe he had anyone lined up before i gave him the final boot. He was always in my face, he had no friends, I work from home and I had access to his laptop and phone anytime. I believe he was not at that level to discard me and I supplied him with mega fuel by fighting him. I was just so done with his garbage and I was always walking on egg shells. You see… he would try the old silent treatment on me and at the beginning it would devastate me but I just would not do anything after a while and he would pester me. The fighting and the blaming me for for shit he was doing. I believe he was seeing a woman within weeks of me but it didn’t work out and he started bothering me out of nowhere, when he saw I was not biting and told him to piss off he sent me the most ugly emails and I ignored him. He now has a primary source so I have not heard a peep from him and hope I never do.
A compelling example in a short burst of so much of the dynamic of our kind with your kind.
Ps… He actually sent me an email in the end accusing me of being a hallmark narcopath and that I discarded him like a used razor to use his exact words. I now find in interesting that he knew the narc terms when I had to reseach his behavior. It was his daughter that told me he was mentally ill and had been for years. She wrote her university paper on NPD and made him the subject. She sent me that paper when I was in a state of total confusion. If you would like I would like to post her self reflection on him. I think it was a fantastic point of view from a grown child of a narc.
That would be interesting to read Mary, thank you. You can e-mail it to me at narcissist1909@gmail.com
Wow that is evil. That is all I can muster right now …..
I had a friend who was an empath and we fell out (shocking I know). She kept asking me why why why. I need closure, she said. I want to know why we are not friends anymore, she begged.
My response: Why can’t you just leave it alone? I go my way and you go yours.
But she couldn’t. She insisted and begged and cried.
“You really want to know…..you really want me to tell you..”
And so I did. She was more damaged after my explanation than she was before.
“Curiosity killed the cat” I reminded her.
I don’t understand this need to know. She would have been better off not knowing but I’m not one to disappoint when pressed.
So then she didn’t really want to know Blood and thunder, as I indeed want to know and would not fault you for your honesty, but thank you. Such honesty is the catalyst to move forward. But, true, most people who claim they want to know the truth, either do not or cannot handle the truth. Excellent point made.
Thank you Miss_stress, I am glad you understand and would want to know the truth.
I absolutely agree with you – most people don`t want to hear the truth and when they do, most find it very hard to accept, especially if it doesn`t match their rose-coloured view of things.
Yes , I do understand. The truth does not hurt me. Sure maybe it might be harsh at times, but ultimately, it serves to help me, provide closure and. Peace of mind. I conjure up so many thoughts, the truth, does set me free.
Finally! After a life time of being surrounded by your kind, I finally got my validation straight from the horses mouth so to speak! Thank you so much for the tremendous relief! You speak my language! I have been thrown into the dark hole so many times I found it easier to just stay in there! Any time I found my way up out of that hole, some Narc has always been there to BASH me back down with a shovel! Grenades blowing up in my face my whole life! I liken my life as born into a war zone in a land filled with Giants, monsters, circus folk, gypsies, goblins/minions, and magicians.. I experienced the abuse in word pictures, and you my dear sir are VALIDATING my experiences and all the calls I made on these people til I was blue in the face! I know you already! You are the 1st to admit it all to me! I can interchange your spirit with anyone of the many many many of these offenders and accept your admittance of the TRUTH and the MOTIVES that drive you! It takes me completely out of the double-minded confusion, wavering, cognitive dissonance that I’ve been in due to the total and utter lack of ANY admittance of wrong doing /damage done to me! I have been a student of the Bible and have found many of your kind throughout the church! God let me know early on that HE is NOT people, and HIS WORD ALONE has been my validation and His descriptions of ALL of this has been spot on!! I’m so looking forward to reading your every word! I know I am going to have a lot of questions to ask you. I appreciate the truth about your lies! Jesus said the Truth would set me free! Go figure it would come from the devil himself!
Hello Heather, thank you for your message. I am pleased that you have found answers that you have been searching for. Your final two sentences carry with them considerable weight.
Thank you for THAT to!! You are the FIRST Narcissist to ever recognize my words as having actual substance! I’m looking forward to our interactions! I love your writing!
You are most welcome.
I remember this one from the past. Its an amazing piece to read but also painful very painful. I am ❤️❤️ And cant even think about becoming and old appliance.. 😢
We’re not old aplliances nikita, don’t ever worry about that. That’s just in their head. But what’s in their head is unimportant – it’s full of all sorts of weird stuff !!
HG but even if we showered you with positive fuel non stop that would still not work because you would still do the devaluation ? Then if we continue to keep the positive fuel flowing through the devaluation you then get bored and say , she still won’t go ?
How do you know until you have tried?