House of Discards
The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.
- The Vanishing Act
Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.
You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –
- We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
- We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
- The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
- It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
- The Savage Strike
This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.
“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”
“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”
“You think more of the children than you do of me.”
“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”
“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”
“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”
These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –
- To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
- To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
- If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
- There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
- The Wedge
This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –
“I need some space.”
“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”
“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”
“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”
We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –
- It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
- It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
- It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
- You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).
- The Golden Wedge
As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.
“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”
“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”
“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”
“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”
Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –
- Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
- Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
- The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
- You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
- Our façade is maintained
5 The False Discard
This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –
“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”
“Just let me go, please.”
“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”
“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”
“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”
The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.
If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).
53 thoughts on “House of Discards”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I love going back and reading your old posts. I always find a gem! This one is extremely enlightening!
Indeed there is much enlightenment in the archives and in ways you may not have yet appreciated.
Absolutely, Mr. Tudor. There’s so much valuable info in the archives. I truly do appreciate what you’ve done here. It empowers us. Thank you!
You are welcome.
HG Tudor says: Indeed there is much enlightenment in the archives and in ways you may not have yet appreciated. ”
Absolutely the case!! Your interaction with the readers is tremendous!!! You really took/had time to work with their comments of ALL sort of nature and answered so many questions!!! Also it is showing over time what are the aims of the readers, what do they repeatedly struggle with; can’t or don’t want to improve. And what an improvement occurs in other cases. Some have the intelligence and understanding and share interesting insights. Some are fighting over who is the better pseudo-narc in order to impress you. „Bad is the new good! No one gets me — that’s how special i am!“ Instead of learning from their master how he makes sure EVERYONE gets him. Though i question if the Sith-wannabe is like this in real life. Rather far more empathic and lonely. Trying to kill the heart cause it won’t stop bleeding. After all understandable. A very sensitive soul in reality, in search of healing.
And some a truly sweet and innocent – they just love HG and there is nothing you can do about it!
And some i really thought! You both should meet!!!! Several of them! You would totally get along! In a good, funny way.
The nature of the interactions is very diverse and interesting to read. People come here searching for answers! And they find them in many ways! Many hints also to your personal story, perception. And so much humor! It is unprecedented! Where in the world do one find this opportunity where the Emperor of Narcissism is giving an understanding in person, how his kind concours. Legacy! Oh Legacy!! Long live the Archives!!
Again and again you are an Enigma as i observe how in the world can someones attention span and detailed-viewing be so on point?! Overwhelming! That’s mastery in my eyes but a normal state (like breathing) for you i assume? You’re just born with it?!
Leigh, thank you for finding this post! Extremely enlightening, I agree.
After reading it, I understand now what happened only within a month and a half of seeing each other: a False Discard, whose aim was to ensure I would accept to ‘lend’ him money. He gave me the false discard (“Maybe you should date someone else, I don’t want to ruin your summer, and it is your holiday”) minutes before embarking on a huge pity play to ask me for money.
Around the end, I also got The Wedge – during the Christmas holiday, nice one. After that, it was a question of time before I could run away. My mind was made up for good because of that Wedge.
Fiddleress, I experienced them all but the Savage Strike at one point or another during our “situationship”. That’s what he would call it, “Our situation”. My guess is he never used the Savage Sttrike because he was too worried about maintaining is facade of being a good guy. Good guy, my ass!
The archives are a treasure trove of information with the added benefit of watching people progress. Very rewarding to read.
I am assuming the statement “can we still be friends” would apply to a wedge discard? After getting a silent treatment for 4 days and after i completely blew my lid in a rant at a N i was finally acknowledged and he could only say “ive never been good at relationships and its probley why im still single but I would really like it if we could be friends but I will leave it up to you”. Dosent get any more narcissistic than that ffs. Im guessing a MMR?
Any thoughts HG?
You are correct with regard to your first question. From the brief detail the individual is likely to be Mid Range, but a Narc Detector Consultation would provide the detailed response and accuracy.
Hg- ty for replying. I hope to be able to do a consultation in the near future. Would it be correct to say im “fairly” safe for hoovering (not 100%) but fairly safe because i called him a narc then slammed the phone down and thats the last contact i had with him. That was a month ago. IF he is the midranger dont they take their bullshit elsewhere and not look back when that happens?
Difficult to answer without more information and that is the preserve of the consultation.
Hello HG,
What an eye-opening read your books have been for me today; I am so happy to have found you!! Thank you for sharing your first-hand insight.
It appears that, after reading a couple of your books, I have a classic case of a Narcissist on my hands. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize that your 50 red flags, a Narcissistic boyfriend of mine makes… Anyway, I have so many questions, both before figuring him out today, and now having learned so much about him from you.
Do Narcissists typically, or always, have someone else lined up and/or waiting in the wings, or are there ever times of dormancy? For example an intensely heavy work load?
Do Narcissists know they are Narcissists? How aware are Narcissists of what they are doing, or is it more instinctual? Clearly, an extremely clever bunch, do Narcissists act in a conscious manner, or more on a sub-conscious level?
I have been discarded recently (and currently) in a vanishing, wedges combo (with a heavy undercurrent of punishment/devaluation) and I am wondering what to expect next…
Thank you in advance for any insight into my (now I am aware and madly curious/fascinated) future,
EA
With the above said, which of your books do you recommend I read next? Today I bought and read: Red Flag, Sitting Target, and No Contact.
Hello Elizabeth,
I am pleased that you find my work insightful and useful. It is a perspective not granted before in such an accessible fashion and more people ought to take advantage of this opportunity. It is good to note you are applying your new found knowledge to your situation. Turning to your questions.
1. It is usually the case that a replacement primary source will be sourced during devaluation in readiness for the discard of the original primary source and their immediate replacement with the new source. This is to ensure that the required fuel is provided. There is a lull at the start of the devaluation period, almost akin to the shutters starting to come down and the narcissist becoming someone else before the truly abusive element of the devaluation begins.
2. Lesser Narcissists do not. Mid Range Narcissists do not but they have a degree of understanding of their needs. Greater Narcissists do but will only admit it if it serves their purposes. You will see repeated mention of these three schools of narcissists. Narcissists can also be on the cusp of the separate schools. Sitting Target has more on this which you have kindly read already. Lesser Narcissists operate entirely by instinct and reaction. Mid Range apply some calculation and they tend to be less confrontational as a whole preferring to be passive aggressive, use silent treatments and withdrawal. Greaters are calculated.
3. What next? There will be eventually the hoovers.
Thank you for reading the books you mentioned, it is appreciated. I recommend to you the following Fury, Fuel, Black Flag and Black Hole. They will increase your understanding and allow you to realise why he will come back to you at some point. As always, if you have any questions please do ask.
Sort if self help for those who’ve been rejected like me lets go back old age when most of us were starting in our teens
I’m afraid that Boyz 2 Men wont ever get through the filter Clary.
Mine was tenge second I know he will pay what you do here here you pay I’m just waiting for you to fall flat on your ass dumbo look at that bugbears looking like dumbo up sbd down up and down scary little creature with glassy eyes fooling you making himself look like yes do uno bet but deep inside he’s the devil himself
This is so true! After a 2.5 yr relationship my ex narc just texted me one day – i havent been honest with you i dont want to be with you”. He refused to ever talk with or communicate with me ever again. It took me sometime to get over this but now im just so happy to be free of him and his games, insecuritys and self centredness. He will ultimately be alone forever as hes unable to sustain any long term relationship.
Other highlights of his abuse where – talking me into having a baby with him then when i got pregnant deciding he no longer wanted a baby – oops. Not even an apology for the hell i endured! And breaking up with me within 6 months of us buying a house together! What a mess.
Life is so better without him and his callousness!!
All textbook behaviours Mandy.
This post is intensely true for it is all in the name of fuel.
Disengage…you say potayto…anyhow. It’s all in the same arena. You never discard them…remember that.
I am trying to disengage with him. But I keep sending him the posts by HG.
I think of doing that and captioning it with, “here’s a REAL narc, you faker”. Then I realize that would mean contact. NFW.
Indeed although I do appreciate the plaudit.
Most painful. He did all of them to me, I think. I don’t know as I was to busy trying to hold onto my sanity.
HG why do you want to push all of my buttons with the damn truth?
Just kidding, no I am not, yes I am, no, no, no.
It is the painful reality that I was a victim and this post hit home.
I am going to Stockholm to get rid of the syndrome. Who wants to join me.
Vanishing act minus the messy aftermath . Waved bye , went home & posted all over social media about his new relationship .
I had no idea . Talk about making an exit !! .. well byeeeeee moron , don’t forget to shut the door behind you .. It was the best thing he’s ever done for me 🙂
so sad So Sad.
Thank you stevieann x
I was completely devastated. I didn’t find out until later than night when a friend text me to say how sorry she was we’d broken up, by which time the happy couple were lapping up the likes & congratulations …
It didn’t stop him from trying to control me though , still isn’t . x
the more you learn from this site and books, the more you arm yourself. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Not over them but yourself. It is your world and you can make the choices that are best for you.
So painful to read. Very hurtful comments on the savage strike. Yesterday I was telling MS about my selflove work but I if I would have ever received such comments or would receive such type of insults, I dont think all my selflove awareness would help. I dont think such painful words can be easily ignored .., was painfu to read.
On the other side all those forms of discards do cause lots of pain, thanks God I never received such discards. Last week I had a conversatiom with my cousin and by her description it was an N and the story is to continue but I think some of the above discards might be included in the story.
I predominantly received the Wedge , the Golden wedge and false discard….he often attempted to leave the relationship door ajar, so it was easier to return after a devaluating silent treatment.
But, then again, there never was a discard..so I am uncertain as to what these were. Perhaps to drive a wedge between my questioning and his need to deflect? Leaving was easier then answering. Recall I knew too much and he knew I knew. And if I knew, dear God, who else might I impart my knowing to? Logically, I would think, appeasement would gave been a better route then abandonment. But, the later was most hurtful to me. So for punishment purposes it makes sense from his perspective
So, if I killed the relationship, then I also will be the one to revive it. As I am the healer. Behold, a miracle. But, alas there shall be no resurrection this time, as it was Indeed a fatal blow….to his ego.
Parting, is such sweet sorrow. Or so, he hopes it is for me.
Hello Miss S, how did it feel when you gifted his ego with the “fatal blow”?
To be honest, at the time it had to be done, I was looking for another way, but that was only one that would ensure no Hoover. I am susceptible to his hoovers. The blow was simply him receiving what he gave to me countless times through the years, a dose of rage, he is not equipped to cope with a dose of his own medicine. It was a huge wound of no return. I felt guilt following. He is plugged into others. I am no longer a thought. Other then the occasional utterance to others of me being an ungrateful bitch, one can only assume,.
So he has not hovered since then?
No, Leilani, no Hoover since then.
You are doing very well Miss S. You will focus on you.
He will Miss S as time is endless for him for hoovering is more exciting for fuel. He knows you are always there for him. You’re not going anywhere. I still think your guts were at peek in an attempt to blow up his ego of course it was all an illusion?
If he thinks I don’t want him, he may not. But everything was lies. So saying he would leave me alone if I didn’t want him anymore, lie or truth. Will find out. As he knew before I wanted him. Yes, Leilani, maybe he has gone off to fuel and heal his wound to come back with a vengeance for my criticism and nerve to do such.
Yes illusion. I did insult his ego, that was a definitive blow. Everything else, who knows..him, maybe.
The question is do you still want/contact with him? If not, how are you doing with sticking to no contact?
All I wanted was answers from him initially, I never received them then I found out more Information on even more deceptions. There has been no contact on my behalf and he is seething still no doubt, so nothing on his end either.
After enduring a few years of silent treatments from him, gaslighting, watching him build a new harem, triangulating me & devaluing me… I’d finally had enough! I used approach #5 which caused him to give me another golden phase. After awhile, I couldn’t take the triangulation any more and used a #2 approach to him. The Savage Strike. Which caused him to unmask and smear me.
After reading this article HG, I’m wondering – if I’m the one that was a Narcissist and not him? Or perhaps, we both are? 🙁
The fact you ended the relationship using methods we do would not in itself mean you are one of us. You may be manipulative (#5) or angry (#2) and therefore respond in such a manner. There would need to be other behaviours that you regularly engage in to qualify for membership of narc club.
I know I have narc qualities. (ask my family) I believe there was a time I could have gone the way of a full blown narc, and on the mid range level, but I decided not to shut off emotionally by telling myself I do like you and you deserve to be loved. I was 20 yrs old when I started the self talk; Having my children at 30 changed me also. I had an extension of ME to love. It is all a work in progress still. But now I am over to far to the feel and empath side. I need to find the happy medium.
I will be honest, I do smile when I read some of HG’s post and see me. Just a bit of the Cheshire Cat.
I had the nickname from my sister “landshark” now how do you think she came up with this.
So HG, there is hope for you if you WANT it. But it is work, work, work but not the kind Rihanna sings about.
Thank you for sharing your experience Steeviann/
This is where I get confused with my personal experience with my narc. He never wanted us to part EVER. He more or less thought I should be able to work through whatever problems we had, no matter how dark, or sinister they became, that we could get through it and I would never leave and he would never leave me. He never said any of the above, in fact I may have said something like the above to him. I did go to him many times over a decade with compassion, yet with logical reasoning. I would tell him I didn’t seem to make him happy anymore, and I couldn’t stand being the person that held him back or brought him down, that I loved him too much to stick through so much just to see him miserable. He would convince me otherwise, how happy he truly was, it wasn’t me it was his job, and apologize for allowing his stress to cause him to make poor choices, to behave the way he did, etc etc.
Every time he thought I was about to slip from his grip he did everything he could to keep me in it. I never felt discarded by him, in fact sometimes I had found myself wishing he would have an affair and fall in love with some one else so I didn’t have to the “one” anymore.
Explain this to me HG, did he just know that if he discarded me I would leave, and yes at the very end that did happen after I stood my ground on very clear boundaries but that is what it took for him to do so and as I write this I think the only reason he did it, was because he knew I was about to be done for good, and he had to “discard” me first before I discarded him and then of course turn around and play victim as soon as he did, the poor wonderful husband who was left in the cold by his wife, how he had no clue anything was wrong etc etc.
You clearly provided such excellent fuel – both positive and negative, combined with his lack of desire and energy to hunt out a new primary source CC that he wanted to keep you. I think he didn’t reach the critical mass to achieve discard because you were clearly spurting with the necessary fuel throughout. He saw no need to discard and moreover probably did not want to expend the energy in finding a replacement who may not be as good as you. When he realised you were about to leave and there was no hope to make you stay he had to get the discard in, as you rightly identify, for the sake of appearance.
Yes, he always said why would he want anyone else he would be crazy and he knew no one could be better for him then me. I lived hearing it and hated it, I think he knew that too, as you point…I must of provided so much fuel on both ends of the spectrum, I’m really reaching here but is it possible you could triangulate one person with herself, I mean if she had a split in her psyche is it possible to play the different parts that are unaware …not split personalities, but something akin, I imagine the fuel not only being plentiful but also needing to take very little energy on the narcs part, all the while playing with two hearts wrapped up in one, not to mention the ease of such getting plenty of fuel from outside sources without much interference from the primary. Independent loving self sacrificing work horse saintly sex vixin, submissive, strong, damaged oozing in denial hopeless healer yet complicated to keep you guessing, all wrapped in one damaged co-dee! It’s all making sense to me HG
It is possible to triangulate your heart with your head but one has to be wary that the head does not win out as this causes us to lose control. Instead, we recognise that you know what you ought to perhaps do, but you cannot help but feel a need to do something else and the tension and frustration that arises from this conflict will indeed provide fuel.
It seems my narc was a bit of a risk taker with me, I can’t figure out if he had me well trained, or if I was already well trained by dearest dad, all the narc had to do was show up.
great explanation! I think that is what happened to me. Once he realized I was leaving he hung up on me. So he felt like he was in control again.
“We pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship”
Your way with words never ceases to amaze me, HG. Tremendous ability to evoke imagery and thoughtful contemplation.
House of Discards…I know that show.
RIGHT!?