Twisted
How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.
Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.
Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.
Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?
66 thoughts on “Twisted”
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Going on week 4 of No contact. I’m thinking of you ladies. Usually this is the time I start giving in and communicating. I have not felt that way. I’m positive that reading H G’ s books and his posts is helping me. Stay busy, smile, help others and remember who you were before. Fill yourself with peace. XO
I’ve expressed this same sentiment to my ex-Narc, just not in so many words or as eloquently. Come to think of it, it was more in the form of bullet points. Maybe that’s why he walked away — it was too PowerPointy and not enough fuel, er feelings.
How I have been pulled back here I have no idea…but since I am reading what I have missed, although my life is currently playing out these posts, I will leave my comment.
Currently I am going through this with the narc that I have left behind. I have heard his sweet, endearing words of me being the one and how life was so perfect… yet he didn’t seem to care when it mattered most, when we were together. Since I have apparent issues of not being able to hold to NO CONTACT, I am also hearing all of the hate and hurt of betrayal he is supposedly feeling. What HG left out is the part where he (or she) starts to degrade you, call you names and treat you as if you were never worthy of their time. I get this each time I do not give in to his demands… I am assuming this is another manipulation tactic to make us grovel at their feet and ask for forgiveness.
It truly hurts so bad because I do love the narcissist BUT my mind is not so naive anymore and it keeps telling my heart to stop this insanity.
Will I ever be fooled again? Probably but not by the same guy! :/
I remember these words felt and said by myself as well as from my ex, during sweet periods of love and the tear stricken let downs, conversations like these were a part of our ebb and flow, were they mirrored, by him from me, or were my words only a conditioned belief system he embedded into me at my tender 21 years of age? Was I his puppet, his parrot, repeating what he taught me, after all he was my teacher my master. Yes this was our dance, our love so intense, the promise to get through anything to forgive everything, to fight against the evil’s of the world that obviously wanted our destruction because we were so special. All he asked of me was to be his beck and call, to allow his rules, and to have none of my own, to never grow weary or tired, to give but to not ask, to understand he did not mean to do the things he did and said and to excuse them, in return he would never truly leave my side, in return we could grow old together and have satisfaction we were one of the few that did. In return, I would be promised to live an illusion, why oh why did I have to be so greedy?
Hi H.G! 😎 I think in the beginning we BOTH feel that same hope. That soul mate connection. We both receive a surge of chemicals that feel good in the beginning of our “love connection”!! We are both “Perfect in each other’s eyes”! Why wouldn’t we feel the same excitement? We were both deprived/shamed as children. We both FINALLY found what we’ve been searching for! Someone to take away the pain! In the beginning we place each other on high pedestals of idealization. Right? On our side we don’t know that we are just seeing our own reflection in your eyes and that we are being mirrored back our own reflections. Right? All of those initial “love chemicals” die down naturally and the reality of the mundane settles in on both of us. The difference here is we don’t know who you really are and you know us through and through. We believe that we are actually LOVED in the same way we love you! I was allowed freedom to be myself in the beginning… No one seemed to have a problem with me making my own decisisions? The difference here is that where we see the mundane as something as a challenge and manage by stepping up and being creative with our love and the expressions of it in so many ways to keep the love exciting, you have grown “bored” and irritated by that boredom and loss of the good feeling chemicals.. So suddenly every independent thought or word or decision we have is now suddenly an injury and insult to you. Every explanation from us as to why that isn’t so and that we love you no matter what just irritates and infuriates you further. Where’s your happy chemicals? I remember trying to explain this to my last Narc in the beginning of the end. It doesn’t matter anymore what who or why anything happens from the moment that the mundane of boring life sets in. We have gone stale to you and there is never a chance for either of us to return to yesterday. On our side we are way too busy and distracted fighting for common sense, common decency, mutuality, and fairness. As soon as we do THAT NOW you are seriously “injured”!!! Now you have an excuse to RAGE because you NEED some chemicals!! We both get addicted to these chemicals in our own bodies! It’s what drives our sickness. Boredom Is something we all must deal with as adults. No reason to get into a snit over it from our point of view. Boredom to you is something to punish us for. Creates the fuel that rushes through both of our veins in a very different way. What fueled my Narcissists are the same chemicals that were killing me! It helped me to realize the idea of these body chemicals and how much our behaviors, attitudes and feelings are affected by them. We CAN repair these by renewing our minds to the truth and by adjusting our behaviors until we have control over ourselves. Our brains and bodies can heal themselves if we choose. I found that quitting my Narc felt like I was detoxing from an addictive drug. I don’t know if this applies to this article, but it’s what I got out of it. Thank you.
You are welcome.
Heather, this cycle you experience is the same as mine. The constant stress of not being able to fill him up and make him happy was fueling him while I began to have panic attacks, put on blood pressure medicine and constant crying was killing me. I didn’t bargain for that going into this relationship with him. I was a tough catch for him that took him a year to hook me. I try to think back before and remember the reasons I didn’t want to date him. That is helping with no contact as well as HG’ s writings and this blog. Leaving him feels so good at first and then withdrawals set in. I think our bodies are so used to chaos and we have to shut down the panic mode. We are powerful, strong women to have dealt with this uninvited host that we carry along with us everyday. Because I truly loved him, I forgive him. That makes me feel better and I always wish for him to have peace because is full of simmering rage. I was drawn to him because he is like my father (narcissist). Much worse than my father but being with him forced me to address my own wounds from childhood. Pressing on..wish you solace.
Thank you sunshiny web. This place has taken me from addicted obsessed and exhausted to more well rested confident and hopeful in just a few weeks. I’m so grateful for the insight into my own soul sickness. I have no desire to go back to that crazy nightmare! Each day I am away, the better I feel! I’ve been sick from stress related trauma for 22 years. Hopefully we have shot of getting better now.. Hope for a brighter future is something that is REAL as long as we stay the course! Thank you for your kind words
It wouldn’t be you speaking these words to yourself unless you’ve had an epiphany you haven’t shared with us because the words indicate that there is wrongdoing, something not applicable to you.
I hear them being spoken to you, by a victim, but I also hear them being spoken by you after someone has betrayed you, wounded you and ultimately, let you down. Again.
Spot on!
You have described perfectly how I feel after a long term relationship with a narcissist…. So glad I have found H.G. and his work.. For the first time in 16 years, I know I can free myself from this sick individual.
Thank you Maria and indeed you can. Keep reading.
They seem to be the words of a narcissist I believe ……… just because of blame shifting. You did you did you did.
I’ve heard these words – at a time I thought all was well – and after reading Hg,s posts , from my ex narcs point of view when I’ve injured him because I called him on triangulating me with a willing fuel supply of his . And so my discard began and these words would haunt me . I didn’t understand then – I do know – doesn’t make it right .
Indiglowsky – I cared for my ex after a hip replacement , his personal needs , home , cooking etc – loved him at his lowest for 3 weeks and 8 days later he went away with his secondary fuel supply . Now that is TWISTED 😒
Hi Christine, I’m sorry you were so heartlessly discarded after giving so much. My reference to love I made regarding chemo was very personal to me, though it was not in reference to an ex narcicist.
Hi indiglowsy , i realised it was personal – us empaths / fuel / victims do really love our N,s – there is no doubt . Or we wouldnt be here learning from HG . Wishing you well
Christine
P.s if only i knew then wot i know now — when i looked after my vulnerable N 😬😬😬
live is very cruel…
Not sure what to write as it has been a bad night. He’s angry… I questioned him and causing a riff between the Sig other. He lies constantly the man I knew a year ago is not there anymore.. Never was. I strain not to feed into all of this.. I have given my notice hopefully two wks and I will be gone…
H G. WTH?? How can this be? How can you say the same thing?? Are you really my ex? 6 months into my relationship was when devaluation began for me. He turned into a beast. I saw it coming a few days before the big one, like a circle, twice a month. I was in tune with his every move at this point because he had me on eggshells. He began picking me apart over what I wore, how I should use a fork to eat chicken wings, (who the fxxx does that?) He would get so angry if I won in a corn hole match against him, our favorite bar with all of our mutual friends, he would whisper insults in my ear until I had to run to the bathroom and wipe my tears. I have always been personable and energetic and can engage anyone and everyone liked that about me. Eventually, he did not allowed me to turn my attention away from him or I would be screamed at later. I went through all of the stages of letting go while still with him as I had no escape because he lived 4 houses up from me. I started feeling less love for him and warned him. Within two years he broke up with me 11 times. I would say a lot of the things that you wrote in this post trying to understand it all. In the past two years I have disappeared and left him many times. EVERY SINGLE THING you write is EXACTLY what he says to me and texts me to this very day. Blaming me for it all and how cruel and heartless I am for leaving him expecting me to defend myself because that would fuel him. It gave me chills that it is all so familiar. While currently having implemented No Contact, I have read two of your books and staying strong thus far. I am glad I happened upon you! I am really tired after almost five years of this. In the beginning I never even found him to be someone that I would give a second look and now look at all the time wasted. I can’t really tell you my weakness in an open blog but the mixture that beckons me is a combined one that I created. I can create that with someone else.
Frightening at times, the similaritie,s aren’t they? Thank you for reading and I see you have begun to build your defences. You need to keep doing so.
No soul, have I. I’ve never denied being twisted. Words belong to both. Sad.
It could be both! But I believe it is you saying these things. There is to much written from the point of what I have done! An empath would not do that. Xxx
They are not your words, they are mirrored words. Remember, narcicists “never love” but mirror what they think is love. This isn’t even love. It’s romantic novels and movie lines…Love is when you’re there, holding your lover’s hair back as they vomit into the toilet from the 12th round of chemo.
Brilliant
Love hurts, even in the illusion of love for the giver and the taker. The common thread, both are let down at some point In the relationship. Both blame the other.
If only this line could be true….it is the ideal where two people who have suffered the same pain, at different ends of the spectrum can find salvation and hope and love in each other, accepting all parts of the other…..it feels like fantasy fiction to me now. I believed I found the ONE.
“We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence”
Like Warm waves of orange and scarlet in the spiralling echo of time.
MS,
U are waxing poetic again. U need 2 change your name on here. I have 2 do that to hide my identity. Some great teacher taught me that trick. U are soooo sweet I get a toothache when I read u. I see you in a gauzy dress in a field of wildflowers walking with your head tilted toward the sun, contemplating all the beauty in the world and doing a snow white call to woodland creatures. I love it. Don’t change ever.
I was contemplating a moniker change…any ideas? Why do you need to hide your identity…mind I do not use my name…I enjoyed the visual you presented of me ABB. I was called Snow White for being fair with dark hair, She was my most favourite Princess. ABB, but I do sing to the birds when I feed them in the back yard and the deer, as well, one ate an apple from my hand. Plus, I have a sixth sense to know when deer are around. As they jump out onto the road In threes and fours around here. I will say it, when I sense them, and slow the car down, and sure enough several bounce across the road In front of me, Into the woods. I truly have an affinity for deer.
I have developed a distinctive, almost bird like whistle for our two cats that signal them, like dogs to come home and to eat…they come immediately when I do it, inside or outside of home..my daughter laughs to see them running.
Maybe you are in to something here ABB. I definately am an animal person.
Poetry is always floating around in my thoughts, HGs writing is conducive to poetic meanderings. That is a compliment, HG. You are brilliant and thoughtful writer.
ABB, was it your wisdom tooth? I didn’t think I came across as sweet, perhaps more saccharine?
I would suggest Dr Doolittle on the strength of this.
That was hilarious
Pleased you think so.
How come I don’t get to hear about Polynesia? Punishment for topping HG in the name game? HG, if you want to take it out on me, you know where to go….I’ll be holding my breath too.
Oh you didn’t top me. Nowhere near. My label triumphed.
She used mine. Is that All I do is win win win by DJ Khaled playing in the background? Why yes, I believe it is!
Next…
I didn’t like it HG.
What? The suggestion of Dr Doolittle?
Yes that one, I prefer ABB feminine choices.
But you talk to the animals, mine was utterly on point.
I do , this is true. I do, with animals of all sorts. I like petting as well. Try another one HG.
No, I have chosen one for you already. It fits.
So be it. Thank you for your choice. Apologies for requesting another more to my liking.
I still don’t see what is wrong with Dr Doolittle. You haven’t stated, just that ABB’s were more feminine but not what is wrong with the entirely apt Dr Doolittle.
I told you I do not like it, Number one, in a professional capacity in the field, I do much, not little…..number two, I don’t like the masculine connotation attached to the name. That was all. It is not related to you chosing it at all.
How about Polynesia then?
South Pacific Island. Why that suggestion. I am intrigued and excited to hear.
Do u really want to discuss “petting” and farm animals in the same sentence with HG?
That made me laugh, ABB…I meant petting animals. Cats. Dogs, horses, baby goats, etc…not the other kind of petting…that involves hanky panky and I assure never with an animal. He never replied to my Polynesia question ABB, so I never heard about it either.
Work it out.
Pollyanna and your autocorrect is the problem.
Nope
I thought it was a punny joke ?
WP! Just changed my name back to MIss_Stress ?? How weird is that….spooky forces at play.
Just HG playing Mr. Robot and hacking your account…lol put tape over your camera.
What? Don’t scare me ABB. HG any comments?
MS….
Bambi, but that’s a song by prince…and it’s not the Disney version. Ummm, Deary, or Deery, but that sounds like grandma or something. Princess, but kinda dog/cat name. Kitten, sex kitten? Deer whisperer. Dead poets society. Poetic me….kinda named after HG…ode to the master. Wolfwhistle. Or just whistle. Snow black. Snow Gray. Snow Red…etc. Snowden…that’s going to be a movie. Snowed in…trapped? Sweet tooth. Sugarpuss. Sugarwalls. Sugaryesplease. Onelump. Twolumps. Saccharine. Saccharine Trust. Enough. The Master hates a takeover.
I hide because…fill in here.
I like Bambi, minus the bimbo connotation for me, being intelligent that’s a no go. Snow black was intriguing . My exes pet name for me was Kitten.
Poetic me, was my fave btw.
I love that song by Kate Bush, Snowed in at Wheeler street. Plus, our winters ,w e are predominantly snowed In and trapped.
Sugar walls, Prince again 😊
The master permitted the post through, I am sure he wanted to see what you would write too.
Thank you ABB. They made me smile. Some good ones in there too.
So, ABB, upon consideration, I have decided upon Poetic _me….I will change picture regularly to feature my favorite female poets…to begin with Sylvia Plath. Thank you for the ideas.
Now the poster who wanted miss_ stress can use it.
Good choice. Miss_stress to me always applied to being second to someone else, the mistress. U are first rate. The other way, a stressed out singleton, doesn’t fit either as your “snow white” comments don’t relate to your personality. Yay u! 💜 Nice 2 change pictures too. Sylvia Plath, nice 1st Choice PE….Hey u gonna give HG some physical education?
I work him over enough, I think, just kidding Hg 😞
Thank you ABB. I really like that one, I best get To that change. Yes, as I was changing pics photos of Queens, I realized too the effect of misstress. And I am not so stressed now with CN gone.
PM
Dear Mystery Science Theater 3000,
I could tell where this was going. Only I didnt think of the words spoken to self. Must be the drugs. My 10 steps ahead is a little faulty right now. Thank you for cycling thru that process. I like the build up and the letdown…wait…could that be what’s wrong with me? I like the build up and the let down. Back to move one I go. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. (Shampooing book, I’m tellin ya).
“How could you be so twisted?” Do I speak these words or are they spoken to me? It kind of depends on the time, place, & situation, but I’ve BOTH spoken those words and had them spoken to me. I guess that means I learned what was taught me.
I’ve said these words many many times! And still..there will never be an answer that makes sense.
HG do you actually understand that this post is all an illusion in your head. Do you know this is what you tell yourself to justify your abuse ? I know all narcs think the ONE is out there , but I’m sure you know that no external thing or person can fix the inside . You know this logically but just refuse to believe it ? Do you ever actually care for any of these women ? Please don’t respond with they all let you down , that’s the narc answer , we know that answer . At anytime do you ever reflect and know deep down that you did feel something for any of these women . Feel is the wrong word , but I don’t know just anything that would be emotion (not including negative emotions). Amanda doesn’t count she is the elusive one that got away , she is your pretend one. I just don’t know how it’s possible to detach from emotion , but be selective which emotions you detach from . How can you only be attached to negative emotions and yet be emotionless with a thing good ? It’s like you want to destroy anyone who loves you . They do not let you done and you know this . When I think of all my narcs stories about all his exes , yes I think he did get hurt (narc injury, rejection critisism) in his head he calls this heart broken. But he knows he abused those women but just didn’t bother to tell me that part . Who are you deceiving us or yourself ? Here is the last text I received from my narc , is this true or more gaslighting or yet another wedge his text . It’s not your fault please don’t beat yourself up over it, it’s me that’s got the problem , there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s my inibility to have a normal relationship , I don’t feel good about it, I think about you and how confused you must be by me. I just feel the need to be alone so much. HG when he writes that is he literally making that up , just plotting and planning , I will text this crap to her or is there any truth in this ?
Hello Lisa, I remain of the view that there is the one who will provide what is needed. Do I care for them? I am not a carer. I can exhibit a method that is akin to caring but I do not feel caring about anything, I do not know how to. Yes I felt plenty for them. I felt hunger, rage, desire, irritation, envy and hatred along with more. Amanda is not the pretend one. Nor has she got away. It just has not come to pass that is all. I do not detach from emotion, to do that, you had to be attached to begin with. I never was. I had no attachment to certain emotions and attachment to others. This was done to allow me to function as I need to. To gather my fuel, to hunt, to succeed and to drive forward. To shine and to soar. You are correct that it may be described as heart-broken when the reality is, it was rejection and criticism. Who do we deceive? Both you and us.
The content of his text was designed to draw fuel from you by way of sympathy and to act as wedge as you identify. He knows what needs to be done to gather fuel and to marshal his fuel lines, hence texts of this nature.
HG, I don’t understand Marshal his fuel lines ? And the wedge part of this text is incase he wants to come back it because he knows he will come back . By the way I never answered that last text it was the final one 3 months ago . Also another part of your response about how certain emotions were never there in the first place the ones that you didn’t detach from . What about when you describe when your mother praised your report scores or didn’t praise. What emotions were you experiencing then? Were they the ones you never had the ones you never detached from ?
Exactly what does one have to do for you to think they betrayed you after all you do for them? Comb their hair wrong? WHAT!? WHAT!?
Is it just an excuse to act a fool? Is it your brain hearing voices? Shit, this is so far from reality that my brain is starting to hurt and short circuit.
I told asswipe that I could die and be 6 feet under and it would still be wrong. I didn’t die the way he wanted me too. DAY FIVE.
My therapist said what she had for lunch was not right for him. It is all about him. How could anyone want to live this way. I would fight to the death to fix myself.