The Truth of the Illusion
You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.
For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.
You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.
That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. I placed deep inside you a powerful mixture which when activated by your thoughts about me, your reflection on what happened and any consideration of what we did, had and said, will awaken the addictive qualities which caused you to fall for the illusion in the first place.It is a potent and dangerous mixture. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, through this mixture, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.
You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.
70 thoughts on “The Truth of the Illusion”
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HG Tudor or are you deriving supply from all these comments?
As I have repeatedly explained, I derive some fuel from the comments but it is very low since it comes from remote strangers through an electronic medium.
This is exactly how I am feeling now. 6 months no contact .
I feel like I’m going to break it , which is ridiculous, what do I hope to achieve.
I’m forgotten at this stage but the pain is still there .🥺
Kiki
This is so where i am after i was discarded i couldnt of written this better… 😢
I was asking you specifically if you would react to a lover saying they knew you were a narcissist. And other question was di you experience depression and anxiety in or out of relationships?
If someone said it to me I was a narcissist I would deny it and then would go on the attack for their nastiness in labelling me as such.
I have not experienced depression no, but periods of anxiety when fuel is running low.
HG, like the tin man in the Wizzard of OZ who thought he had no heart but did and had no need for the Wiz…..you are showing it everyday here.
Meaning, you HAVE a HEART, HG! Own it 💙 **gives a challenging look**
After I was abruptly discarded I told him I’d had feelings, his reply shocked me as he asked did I mean A feeling. Do you think he purhaps suspected I knew who is was or was unsure if fallen for him BS? This has bothered me, the creep even put a smiley emoj on the end of this text…
No, it was done to annoy you to extract fuel.
Sorry, do you mean as a way to wind me up and possible have a go at him? I did neither, I just accepted it and didn’t contact him again.
That’s correct. You responded in the best way.
Question for HG..have you ever experienced being in love and ever felt heartbreak???
I do not experience love in the way that you do. I was taught something else amounts to love. I was taught that love is a weapon.
I have no heart to break.
Hmmmm, I suspect your heart was broken as a young boy when she side stepped you and other times you do not write about. Your love, despite being very different from others is still love. I wonder, has therapy and this blog and your processing via writing help with your current primary relationship at all? Have you used any skills learned to hold back on going through the narcissistic cycle with her?
We all at some point, look for “the one”. Especially co-dependents, deep romantics, perhaps empaths (though I suspect a mature empath knows there is no such thing as “the one”. I am learning there is no such thing and that it is an immature notion. I believe in love, but not “the one”.
OH MY GOD. This gives me chills. Spoken directly to me.
Hi,
1. You are a strong writer.
2. I am sorry you went through heartbreak.
3. That is one cool graphic.
4. Congratulations on being Danny Ray’s featured blogger. I was his featured blogger too.
Maybe you can check out my site if you need a blogging tip or two. That’s what I write about.
Janice
Reblogged this on heartwordsforpoetry and commented:
This is so incredibly true, I feel like this man has read my heart, all of this post is an accurate description of how I was treated by the other except there was no physical abuse. All the rest applies to my love for a man who was just an allusion….
Thank you Cote.
cote8050,
You’ve given me an idea. I think I’ll create my own blog to post my poetry. Most of it is about my relationship with a narcissistic, too. Also, self-reflection and healing. I think it’s a great way to help others who are experiencing the same tyes of feelings.
Thank you for inspiring me.
R.M.
please be sure to send me a link to your new blog! It is a great way to share this pain and to really see that you are not alone in this. I was totally unprepared to deal with this issue… I never knew people like him even existed, just so far from everything i believe is right and good… it is such a shame, I do truly love him and will probably never understand how and why he does what he does, just makes no sense to me to take the love of others and in return destroy their hearts… I know you will enjoy blogging, I have met so many wonderful people here, so understanding and willing to help total strangers, really amazing! much light and peace to you. M.
I’m working in it right now.. unfortunately, is a learning curve.
you did a great job! looks a lot more professional then mine! 🙂
I’ve always found that the real thing is far better than any illusion.
Beautiful HG. Perfectly expressed and written down to every dotted i and cross t.
Excellent article HG. So true that I constantly want that golden period but I also know it was all an illusion. It is an addiction I’m having a hard time breaking. Do you believe that someone could be a ‘Dark Triad’. I’m sure my N exhibited most all the traits for such. Have you written in regards to Dark Triads before?
Thank you SW. Indeed they could be. If you include sociopathy in this dark triad then my writing does include this.
I read this week on that Triad on LO blog. Scary really scary.
HG, you certainly have a way with words. This is very spot on. I appreciate your telling it like it is. Before I started reading your work, I often wondered what I saw in my ex-narc. In the beginning, his conversations were funny, scintillating and stimulating. People tend to flock to him when he’s around, as if he was “holding court,” as he would say. In the last few months of dating him, however, he had become a very BORING conversationalist. His conversations had become repetitive and revolved on three things: money, pussy (his words — which is quite telling of what he really thinks of the female gender), and other people (which often reminds me of an Eleanor Roosevelt quote that says “great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events, and small minds talk about people”). If he had not discarded me, I think I would have eventually discarded him out of boredom! Looking back, I keep asking myself “WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” Obviously, I wasn’t.
This might interest you:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Point-Existence-Transformations-Narcissism-Self-Realization/dp/0936713097
Almaas posits that as children, we are all narcisstic. And like, at that age our primary fuel for this narcissistic self (and its constructs) is derived from sources outside ourselves (your ‘appliances’).
The natural process of emotional maturity, however, leads to us developing the capacity to replenish ourselves from within and feed what Almaas calls the Pearl of Great Price, or the Real Self. Key events during our formative periods, however, can interrupt this process and in some cases, intensify the degree of narcissism.
You are entirely correct in your statement that society encourages individuals to fuel from without, rather than from within, which will ultimately lead to a rise in wholly narcissistic individuals, a frightening prospect indeed.
There is however, an alternative to replenishing oneself at the expense of others, viz. growing and then feeding the Inner (Real) self from sources derived from within. I speak from experience.
Good luck.
NHS-Doc
HG,
Where’s my comment? U still mad at me?
Which one? There are comments awaiting moderation. I’ve been travelling today and yesterday so I’ve not yet been able to address the ones I want to comment on and answer.
Oh, no wonder i thought my car tracking device is faulty. U took the Private Jet. Makes since now. That hilarious post I dreamed up on illusion. Was it a golden trip to St. John or Bermuda triangle flyover? A fall into off the Pyrenees or a trip to Andorra? Yay, does this mean my comments are worth consideration and an answer? Keep in mind I’m still on the pedestal. We have only scratched the surface in storytelling.
I think that I will always feel sad for the hidden man of the heart behind the fears of ALL my Narcs.. I have caught the blackness/abyss second hand my whole life like a virus. I know loneliness, fears and terrifying feelings of abandonment! I can fill back up with love, compassion and empathy where my Narcs cannot. So, yeah. My sadness goes out to them. Don’t know if there is a cure for that? My compassion towards them is now just prayer for them and letting go of the burden and false responsibility to rescue them from themselves. I’m giving my life and love to the cool people that are coming around now! Friendly smiling peaceful kind people that like to chill out and relax! . My WHOLE LIFE has been spent in the Grand Illusion! I just want to live in the REAL world and deal with it! I love all my Narcs! But I cannot be in a relationship with them. No contact and coming here is the farthest down the road to true hope I have found! If I didn’t come here I would still be stuck in that pining mode for the impossible! The golden heart days are just a dreamland. All the rest was nightmare from Hell.. Been to 2 concerts with my sister in the past week! Yay! Thank to H.G. 😎For breaking the spell. I’m praying for you to! 😘
Ps… Reading Exorcism. You have it down to a science and I agree these things took place. You are smarter than the average bear HG. I think my N was not overly smart and I believe a lower functioning N he was. I don’t believe I will always have his ever presence with me and hopefully this book will help. Thanks for the books, keep cranking them out!
Thank you and you are welcome. Plenty more to come, plenty more.
Looking forward
I choose to be in love with the real person though. ..♥♥♥ everyone deep down wants to be loved for who they are …
I am totally free from my ex NARC
I dont need and dont want any golden period back
So i think it s an illusion that we can mantain an illusion 😘 regarding the specific NARC
When i invited him to serve me 😇for s*x i was wondering how is possible i loved and wanted this guy so strongly before, how is possible my happiness was focused on him..
Now i really cannot understand: he is such a mediocrity… why i was into him…
but may be it s so easy for me now because i like another man
This blog helped me a lot.
And the most important what happened with me is when i realised that they r just Defective Persons.
Thanks
spot on this one.
Do you dream when you sleep HG? If so, can you ever recall your dreams? I know this is off topic but I wonder about it.
If I do dream I never recall them Mary. Once I sleep that’s it. Then I wake and it’s on with the day.
Thanks. My N never dreamed either. Never slept much as well.
Interesting…I wonder if not dreaming or not remembering dreams is common for the narc? My ex always claimed to be jealous of my ability to remember my dreams with vivid detail, I even had dreams of his deceased mother who I never met, this particularly upset him, as I described her he said I did so just as he remembered her. “it’s not fair you dream of her and I don’t!” He would exclaim to me. I even dreamed of her during our separation, in the dream she explained that a woman just knows when it’s time to end a relationship, and once she is done, she is done.
Yes indeed. Inexplicable grief.
Brutal HG – simply brutal , but as usual – correct
And falling in love with the real person its a million stars of feelings and happiness ❤️❤️🌔😘
I read your posting today and cried. Cried for the pain in my heart cried because nothing will ever be the same since you embedded your toxins in my life. Cried because I am finding the strength to face you although I spend my time off in solitude. I use to be joyful and couldn’t wait for you to come home. Now I can’t stand walking into that apt pretending to be aloof . The longer I stay, the sicker I become. The Sig doesn’t want emotional ties… She has no idea what you are…Guess what asshole, I am stronger than you know.!!!!!!!!!!. She can dump the pills down her throat I will never die over you
Negative. You wish! Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I’m free at last!
WOO HOO!!! 🎈🎧👍🏼🎻🎼❤️😀😄😇🍺🍰🍷🍨🍪🍻🍾🎻🎼🎧🎤🎷🎹❤️💗💜💙💚💥😀😄🎈🎈
You have this all correct HG. The last 2 paragraphs are flawless. Why are you so good?
Thank you. Because I am. Because I have to be.
That is what I wanted to hear.
Amazing U R 😍😍😍
Dear Chris Angel,
Thank u for giving the illusion and revealing you tricks. I have a question about how you choose your “magicians assistant”. You said “strength of character that made me choose you…” How do you determine the strength of character? If she can levitate? If she can take a knife being thrown at he? Does she like being sawed in half? And my favorite, can she swallow a sword?
All kidding aside, seriously how do u determine the strength of one’s character? 🗡🏹🎩
Some of it is instinct, some of it arises from listening and identifying past challenges that have arisen in a person’s life, the pitfalls and triumphs they have had to deal with and how they have dealt with them. Listening to their world view and hearing what others have to say about this person are ways of determining these things.
So in other words, when a narc is listening while getting to know their new supply, they use everything personal that is shared. They take it and run with it. They use THAT to gain trust and such?! That is just plain cold and callous. It truly makes sense though. Because now I know why I feel so damn hard. And now I also know not to allow people to know me as personally… That is just cruel, in every sense of the word! 😔
Hello Tude4ever, is that a play on my surname I wonder. Yes,that is what is done. We mine for information which will be stored and used against you at a later time.
Illusion, the difference between perception and knowledge. Once aware of what we are actually observing, the perception changes. Thusly, the illusion is broken. I am not in love, with an illusion or the man, anymore.
This is a beneifical article HG.
So spot on! I have not been the same since 2008. My friend shared this post with me as per our relating to each other’s experience. This is very well written. Used the same words I have used like snake, and charm. Oh so deadly. Been single since. He was THEE last manin my life. Done. The memory of being slowly and yet painfully destroyed. Terrible. Thank you for this post.
Thank you TTTT.
Day 10. I have gone a month. Before I started the NO CONTACT again 10 days ago, I had sent a message via Facebook to his ex wife asking her to tell him to stop contacting me. Well she must have said something as he disconnects me from Skype. I did not do it as I was waiting for him to do it. It was today he did so and it pained my heart. It is now finished and it was like a visit to a death again.
The longer you go no contact, the easier it becomes. 16 months to date and I am so much stronger. Hang in there. We don’t need manipulative phony sub humans in our lives, just real people
I will always be in love with my dream, as it is my dream. The N just inserted himself. I understand this. I remind myself every time I feel I want to tell him that I do not dislike him and I forgive him because he is sick. I tell myself he doesn’t care who you are, what you feel or what you say. I remind myself it IS MY DREAM and it goes with me. I talked myself into liking him to start with. Or did he?
He told you what you wanted to hear. You listened to what you wanted said.
H.G.
I wrote this after my discard. How do you like my metaphor?
The Light
I’m feeling emotions I don’t want to feel.
Praying that God helps my journey to heal.
The curtain has fallen on my happily ever after.
My knight was a man who crushed my spirit. I heard his cruel, mocking laughter.
Before my life changed, I had goals for myself. I once knew how to love me.
I believed in myself and what I could do, and my own happiness was key.
I didn’t need anyone to make me feel whole.
Self-confidence and self-love were already present, they were a part of my soul.
My light was so bright, I knew others felt it.They were drawn to its charm.
Then He drew me in with his promise of love; he said he’d protect me from harm.
Like a thief in the night he stole my light, his words left my soul bare.
I gave so much that now I am empty, and, I realize he never did care.
I can’t help but wonder why did he choose me? It’s just plain evil, I think.
Devouring light like a modern day vampire, until beautiful souls are extinct.
R.M.
Hello RM, thank you for sharing that. I can answer why he chose you. He chose you for your ability to provide him with fuel, your empathic traits, your susceptibility to being seduced and to control. See Sitting Target to learn more.
Not anymore I won’t!! He was such a joke and a looser!! 😜
Hg 2 questions. . do you react if your supply let’s you know they think you’re a narcissist? Is it offensive to you?
Also, do you ever experience depression and anxiety?
Hi Debbie, are your questions aimed at me specifically or my kind as a whole as this will affect the nature of my answers?