Reality Check
“Dear Victim.
Well here we are again. Or rather, here I am again. I referred to we because as I mentioned in my first letter to you, I do not really distinguish between you and all the others, so what is about to happen next seems to me as if it has happened with you, numerous times before. What is going to happen is something that I have done so many times before with so many other victims so one thing to keep at the forefront of your mind is that you are not alone in being subjected to what will come next.
It has been amazing so far hasn’t it? I told you I would love you like nobody else ever has and I delivered. Okay, I was actually loving your praise, love, admiration and adoration of me, but to you it felt like I loved you in a way which went beyond anything you had ever experienced before. That certainly kept you happy. You told me every day how happy you were. You told your friends, your family, your colleagues, the man at the hot dog stand, in fact anybody who would listen. I enjoyed watching you do that. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Here I was able to make you tell the world about our perfect love and goodness me have you loved me perfectly. You told me every day just how much you loved me. You cared for me, looked after me and helped me in so many ways. From letting me use your car when I crashed mine to scratching my back as I lay in bed at night ready to sleep. Of course it was not all one way. I gave you everything I could. I only did it though, to get your fuel. I give to receive. I do not know any other way. You sometimes told me about your love for me being without condition. I didn’t understand what you meant. No, that is wrong. I understood what you meant but I struggled to imagine doing this. I love you with so many conditions, the chief one being that I only actually love you for the fuel that you give me. Not for who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this and even longer to accept that this is the case. This is why I am writing this letter so that you can keep reading and re-reading it in order to allow it to sink in. After all, nobody else is going to be able to tell you how it really is will they? Anyway, it has been brilliant so far. Ordinarily I would claim that that is all down to me, after all am I not brilliant? It is a fact however that you more than played your part. You gave me absolutely everything. Your heart, your soul and you poured every essence of your being in to the concept of us. I know you did this because I could see you doing it. I had to because I needed that in order to sustain me. The more you gave, the more brilliant I became, so you gave even more in return. It was an upwards spiral. Two people working in magnificent harmony. You because you believed in us. Me because I needed your fuel. Not that you ever realised this. Why would you? I became the perfect partner, complimenting you, praising you and loving you in that oh so spectacular way. It was intense, it was scintillating and I made sure I became everything that you would want from a relationship. It was a great deal for us both. I made you feel ultra-special. You gave me the ultra fuel that I need. Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not, you still got what you wanted didn’t you? I should imagine you would argue that it did matter because you truly believed that I loved you for who you are and that should be the case. I can understand why you would think like that. You are big on this love thing aren’t you? That is why I picked you of course, that and many other reasons as well, but that played a big part. I wonder though; if nothing altered, if I kept treating you the same way forever as I have done so far, even though it is predicated on a completely different basis to the one you think it is, would that trouble you? You wouldn’t know of course. All you would know is that I continuing to give you the apparent love you crave, in the manner that you have come to expect and in a fashion that makes you feel so special. I don’t suppose you would be particularly upset if that remained the case would you? The thing is though, that isn’t going to happen. Yes, you read that correctly. What has happened so far, marvellous as it is, is effectively at an end. Oh, you will be allowed some glimpses of the person you thought I was, from time to time, in order to keep you with me, but to all intents and purposes this golden period of unparalleled love has come to an end. You won’t realise this because first of all you just cannot accept that something so wonderful could end in this manner. Second of all you will not realise because of what I am going to do. I am going to confuse you, bewilder you and befuddle you. I am going to make everything hazy, amorphous, nebulous, blurred and indistinct so you are not going to understand what is going on.
Why am I going to do this? Well something has changed. I would usually explain, if I ever felt that an explanation should be given (and I operate from the stance that I owe you no explanations because I am unaccountable) that as usual it is your fault. You have let me down. I do believe that to be the case. I wish it was not. I wish this wonderful period could have continued for the rest of our days together but it cannot. What once invigorated me and made me feel powerful just does not do so in the same way anymore. Don’t think you are alone in this happening. You are not. All the others let me down as well. It is as if you are not trying any longer. It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me. I know that others have said to me in the past that nothing has changed in the way that they feel about me, that they love me just as much as they always have done. Yet even though they tell me this it does not feel like that anymore to me. The power I felt when you showed me that love and admiration is either no longer there or not as strong. I cannot help it. That is the way that I feel. Since I have not changed in the way that I regard you, I can only reach the conclusion that this alteration in how I feel has been brought about as a consequence of you. Something in the way you act towards me has altered. You perhaps are not giving enough of yourself to me, you are not manifesting the love, the admiration and the adoration in the way that powers me. It might be that sometimes it feels stale to me, that has happened, perhaps it is because you have become too familiar to me and therefore I do not derive the same reaction that I once did to the way you have behaved. I know that this has been suggested to me but I do not know if it is right. For so long you behaved the same way towards me, loving me in that wonderful way and it did not feel stale or jaded. I think, more likely, it is because you have begun to treat me differently. You are not performing at the level that I require and therefore to me this means you no longer regard me in the same light and this offends me. I feel criticised by this behaviour of yours and therefore I have to protect myself. You see, I do not like criticism. In fact, I hate it and therefore I need to act promptly to defend myself against this criticism. That is why I have to do what comes next. I had hoped this would not happen. I had hoped that you would be The One so this could be avoided. I had hoped you would not let me down, that I had made the right choices and decisions so that our golden reign could continue forever. I guess I got it wrong, although it is not something I would ever openly admit, I do not want to be seen as wrong because that suggests weakness and that is the last thing I want you to think I am. So, here I am again, about to protect myself from your implied criticism. Anybody else would say sorry for what is about to happen, but as you will soon find out, I do not do apologies. I am sorry for myself that it has come to this of course. I am full of self-pity when the need arises. So, that is the end of the golden period we had. I must do what I have done so many times before and bring the hurt. I will stop now as I have some planning to do, but I will write again. You might want to put your tin hat on and buckle up. This is where it turns nasty.
Yours in disappointed fury
N. Arc
X”
51 thoughts on “Reality Check”
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Yes, please, HG 🙂
Keep your eyes peeled it is in progress.
Thank you, Sensei HG.
I can and I have.
I would tie you up in front of a mirror for weeks. I would only bring food and hose you off so you don’t stink too bad. I would keep you there until you break. Until your demon dies. If you are one in the same then……………well what can I say.
Would this be kidnapping?
🙂
Expect your door to be kicked in any time about now!
Is this because you want to be tied up? Locked away?
Maybe it is because I want to see you try.
Don’t ruin the door. It cost money. Money that can be spent traveling.
Ha ha good point.
Wow… Look at you being all eager… I read an interesting article once which said that people who are in a position of power seek balance in these kind of ways. It’s only natural.
Don’t worry. I’m not judging you and your secret is safe with me. }:-D
HG, doesn’t it get old and tiresome to always never progress in your relationships; always chasing after that new-car smell? I just became widowed after 27 years and people are already asking whether I’m ready to date. Just the thought of having to do that getting-to-know you dance all over again is already making me tired. I find that part of the relationship very tedious!
No because I am programmed differently to you. That is why it does not get old and tiresome to operate in this way. I thrive on the “getting to know you dance” as you describe it.
Dear King Tudor,
Allow me to approach by raising your scepter to acknowledge me. Wouldn’t it be funny if you now held this post hostage, making me feel worthless?
Yours Truly,
J. Jester uh Anna Belle Black.
You should then gave long distance relationships. They never become dull quickly. Then when they burn out it becomes easier to discard.
Is that an offer?
Do you dare?
I don’t know, what do you look like?
We’re all dancing Mr. Tudor. The question is who’s playing the drums.
In my case it is a drum machine.
Hi HG, could you kindly explain how it feels to see a person as an object rather then another human? I’m having a hard time understanding it fully. Thanks, Indy
Do you want a blog article on this?
Oh, I forgot to mention, I really like your title of this post, HG. Many need that reality check to get through the smoke and mirrors of the dance. I am seeing more and more that you offer blunt brutal honesty and yet, still, I see some take little heed in your warning. It confuses me. Different paths, I suppose. I am trying to wrap my brain around it as I am still healing myself. I hope for your continued recovery, HG, as it will give hope to others that wish to change and feel true love rather than addiction to fuel and codependency to the other person’s emotions. True love or should I say a true connection with a human, rather than an appliance (object attachment), isn’t a cake walk, though it can help end that cycle of fuel searching. The question is, how, right? I wish I had that answer and hope therapy helps open that path for you. May all find their paths that lead to healing. We all deserve this, true mutual connections, acceptance and peace. And, heed HG’s warnings, please. Because loss of self in the process of trying to find love or a connection is a horrible cost.
Blessings and positive vibes. Indy
Thank you Indy for your kind sentiments.
“It makes me feel worthless “…..this is an interesting line, HG.
You know what G.? when people are together whether a month or a year, and one person stops giving the admiration and affection like it the beginning…it can be hurtful. .. do you know how long golden period in my marriage lasted…1,5year… !until the first child was born…people couldn’t belive how we worked and lived together for that long without a separate hour….
you see if I knew who he was what was needed I would probably not shift part of my attention to our child…I’d maintain it until today…10y now… but because he broke something what cannot be repaired there is no way back. ..living with a Narcissist is incredible if You know how to lead it and You supply Him/her with the needs (fuel) I was doing it by simply following my heart…we were the happiest couple on town…I felt loved (even though I wasn’t) he had his fuel….NarcissisI know how we are able to sniff you lovely empaths out, but I have started to wonder whether the super empaths that exist have some function for finding us. Their desire to fix and repair enabling them to home in our broken and warped ways and inadvertently they are drawn into our sights . Narcissists are beautiful human beings…they need the most special amount of love and affection. ..♥♥♥
Especially following your answer to me with your comments on how your mother treated your ex girlfriends and ex wife and with growing nastiness at time went on and you continued to try to be in relationships, I read this, (and just like you cannot distinguish between victims), all I now see is another attempt to combat the initial, constant criticism you felt by her throughout your childhood. It just all blurs together.
Clarece, which posting is this comment under?
Helloooo Cody! It is under Minions of Darkness. I actually replied to his comment to my initial questions and it is still in moderation. Because someone is tooooo busy traveling all over. lol So, more to follow on thread eventually.
Watch your step there Clarece!
Ha! Get to moderating there H.G.!
Hi Clarece. This is out of order a bit. Thanks for answering my question (below)! I went back to “Minions of Darkness” and read HG’s response there. I know G’s mother must have said ALL of those things about me, and worse. I don’t have a college degree and I don’t have a steady job, and even though I would never ever go after a man for his money I can see how someone would see me in that way, especially someone in the position of taking her “golden boy” away. Not sure who she hates more: his ex-wife or the “replacement” primary (that would be me).
Just makes an uphill battle even steeper dealing with a MatriNarc.
So basically your golden period is to you like the first stages of falling in love is to a lot of people? They love the newness of it all! After some people get through that stage there relationship seems to move forward but to some they do not want the next stage they are unable to move on. They want to go back to the first time the beginning, the adrenaline rush that you get where your heart skips a beat, you can’t eat or sleep for you always thinking about this new love. Xxx
More or less yes.
So I have ordered 3 more of your books, I finished Exorcism and I did most of the cleaning house within a day or 2 of him leaving so I was ahead of the game. I find your books empowering and will continue to read them till I feel I no longer need to. I am about to start black hole tonight. Glad I found you man!
Thank you Mary and thank you for reading. Enjoy Black Hole, you are arming yourself.
I hope to hear back on his email I posted for you. I am curious if you would peg him for a lesser.
It is in the to do list Mary. It is rather full at the current time, but it will be addressed.
In a sense we are all like this when we feel that love (or in your case, fuel) is lost. We start building the wall to protect our hearts. I do realize that you are much harsher than us, HOWEVER, ALL of us have a tendency to nit pick when we feel things are falling apart.
In any relationship there is work to be done, for love to pick you up and give you butterflies… this is a never ending cycle. If you are willing to give so much in the beginning to get that fuel, why won’t you continue when you feel something has changed? Why not just swoop her off her feet again? She will, in turn, give you that MASS fuel that you so desire.
It is really hard to say that an empath cannot forever be happy with a Narc. We all give something to receive something back. If you give loyalty and your false love we would be none the wiser and give you love back unconditionally. Yes, our love tends to die out a bit when we feel something is wrong but that doesn’t mean it can’t be won back. If narcs hate having to go through the trouble of finding a new source and learning about her then why not save yourself the headache and make it work with the one you are already with? It sounds more like boredom of the person in general, maybe another has already peaked your interest and that is why you are ready for the discard.
You are well versed in our true love, how do you know that your issues really aren’t from placing a huge wall to protect the feelings you do have? Sometimes all of this sounds so imaginary…it is impossible for all narcs to be such fabulous actors(ress)… there has to be feeling in there somewhere or else you wouldn’t need fuel, you wouldn’t need us to feel.
I do sweep her off her feet again through the application of Respite Hoovers, Preventative Hoovers, the Initial Grand Hoover and Benign FUHs. The fact is that for it to work effectively, there has to be the devaluation (plus sometimes the discard) beforehand. Build a wall, it is high. Build a moat before the wall and the wall is even higher. Take you down and when I lift you up again, it is even higher than ever.
It is the boredom with the fuel, rather than the person themselves. The other has piqued our interest because there is the promise of fresher and more potent fuel.
I am well versed in your concept of love because I have heard and seen your kind demonstrate it and talk about it. I see what it is intended in the movies and the media. My concept of love arose from something altogether different, I don’t know if you have read Love is a Taught Construct but that would enable you some insight into where I am coming from DC79. Thank you for your post it gave me something to consider.
I think this is where I step in and say that eventually the hoovering and discards will not help you achieve anything with the supply…or maybe it is just me. I am going on month 3, this after almost 8 years of a relationship, of relentless hoovering that if I do not respond or I am bland he forces a response by showing up to where ever I am at. This is no longer sweet nor bringing back the love that I once felt… I feel more like I am not able to carry on with MY life nor move on dating. It is irritating more than anything and pushing me further to the edge of loathing him and the time we had. I feel chained to his insanity… forever.
One thing I always noticed with him was the “movie” love… it is not realistic. I have even thought to myself, on occasion, is this guy faking his feelings? (This is where I am waiting for him to stand outside my apartment with a HUGE boom box blasting my favorite 80’s tune begging for yet another chance). I hope that you do not believe that anything can be salvaged movie style either. If this is the case I would rather pretend I am Cleopatra in Cleopatra (1963). It could be easy to mimic a movie and everyone knows that it is much easier for a woman to fool a man.
You cannot know true love or even mimic it enough without actually feeling it. You must realize that the only reason we stay and fight is because WE LOVE YOU.
I do want you to know that I do truly appreciate what you are doing, after all you are doing a greater good (rather forced or not) for those like me who have struggled with so many emotions in regards to the men we love. I have to be honest though, without changing our whole attitude we will still keep on loving with a blind fold on. (Maybe we are the ones living in a fantasy world.)
Meanwhile… I am going to go read Love is a Taught Construct now…
DC79 did you miss the fact that you had a visitor yesterday here or did you decide against acknowledging said visitor?
Where is this said visitor? I have scoured everything and I have seen nothing…or is that you in my head driving me even further into insanity…
Apparently I missed this visitor…
Totally amazing. You are a fascinating writer 😍😍😍 and more 😘
Some fuel for our HG Nikitalondon. Stop it. Make him beg. Don’t you like that better? 😉
Sure not!!! Cant even imagine getting to such a point with anybody in my life.