10 Laws of Narcissistic Possession
1. You belong to me.
I own you. From the moment I first engaged with you, you became mine. That is the unwritten contract that forms between you and me. I engulf you, I possess you and I subsume your identity into mine. I do not recognise you as someone who is separate and distinct from me, with your own hopes, fears and desires. You have been plugged into me from the start, my appliance which is there to provide me with fuel, obey me and accede to my commands. This mind set is what governs the entirety of our relationship and is what is behind so much of what I do and say to you. By understanding that this is how I view you in relation to me you will realise that once I have begun to entangle you, the concept of you evaporates and you become part of me.
2. What is yours is mine
As part of this unwritten contract I immediately take power, custody and control of everything which you own. Your money is mine to spend. Your friends become my friends and ripe for recruitment into the ranks of my lieutenants. Your house is my house where I shall install myself before you know it, using your utilities freely although never paying for them. It is not your car, it is my car now. I recognise no boundaries and therefore you will find that your possessions will always be sequestrated for my use. You are not allowed to own anything in your own right. From the cake you have saved for later to your shower gel, I will take it and use it. This sense of entitlement extends beyond the material. I will take your dignity, your sanity and your self-esteem too. I have no use for those things, they cannot serve me in any way but I will take them all the same. I am an asset stripper and you will be stripped.
3. Blame belongs to you
I am never at fault. I am never responsible and I am never accountable. Culpability and I are not bedfellows. I escape liability for anything and everything that I do and instead the blame will always rest with you. Even if you have done nothing wrong I will pin the blame on you as this serves my purposes to draw fuel from you, control you and denigrate you. If I forget to remove something from the cooker, it is your fault. If I forget to pay a parking ticket on time, it is your fault. If I forget an anniversary, it is your fault. Each and every mishap, failure and problem which arises will always be attributed to you because I cannot be held to account.
4. I take what I want from whomsoever that I choose
I walk this world as a colossus and it is my right to do as I please. I will take whatever my eye rests on as I am entitled to do so. I will steal because I can. If I want something then I will take it. I will take the credit for achievements when they belong to someone else. I will pinch the partner of a friend because I want her in my bed and not his. I will park my car where I like and I am not to suffer any consequence. I will borrow from neighbours and never return anything. It is my right to take and you must never challenge or criticise me as I exercise this right.
6. What is mine stays mine
All resources that are mine remain mine and are for my exclusive use. I will not lend anything to anybody, they should go and buy their own. I will not share. I will stockpile money secretly, notwithstanding that we apparently have a joint account. I have my own shelf inside the fridge for my food which nobody else is to touch. Nobody is allowed to sit in my favourite chair, not even when I am not there. Nobody is to play my CDs or read my books. They are not for you, they are for me. My friends are my friends, yes they will pretend to like you, purely for the sake of appearance but they will never actually be your friends. Anything that is mine remains as mine.
7. I go where I please
I own the right to go anywhere that I like. I am not to be stopped or questioned as to where I am going or where I have been. I move in between and through, an unstoppable force in light of my vast sense of entitlement. I walk through doorways marked private, I attend meetings to which I have not been invited, I will turn up at your social occasions even though I was not asked to attend. I will step over the threshold, vault the red rope and penetrate all areas because I must always know what is going on. Besides, my presence is such that I am always welcome, who would not want someone as brilliant as I with them? I am access all areas.
8. I own the spotlight
The spotlight must be trained on me at all times as it belongs to me. It is for my use to highlight how interesting, witty and successful I am. It lights up my podium where I stand elevated and superior and woe betide you should you try to point it anywhere else. You must never interfere with my ownership of the spotlight for to do so will invite my fury at your transgression. It is a device that must be aimed at me so that the world is always to see me, so that I can receive the adoration which I am entitled to.
9. I owe you nothing
I owe you nothing because in the beginning I gave you everything. It does not matter that since then you have given me your all, your love, your affection, your time, your money, your dignity and your will to live. You can festoon me with gifts, run around after me, nurse me, pleasure me, support and soothe me but this is what you ought to be doing as I am entitled to be treated in this manner. I have no sense of needing to reciprocate, someone as high born as me need not deign to fawn over you, not any more, not once I have captured you and bound you tight to me. You are nothing without me, worthless and pathetic and therefore I owe you nothing, despite the fact you gave me everything.
10. You belong to me.
I thought I would remind you of this fact. It would not do to forget that now, would it?
43 thoughts on “10 Laws of Narcissistic Possession”
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Number 5 is for HG to add in at any point, without review of congress…expect the unknown is the ultimate law
Indeed.
Hi HG…hope it’s a great day in your neck of the woods as we say down here…anyone paying attention up until now should understand right away why there is no #5…the answer is clearly spelled out within the context…you quite clearly stated …many times…in many articles before this…and it was written again here in plain sight…#4 clearly says…” I take what I want from whomsoever I choose”…BTW…add to that ( whenever you choose to)…and # 6 clearly stated…what’s mine…stay’s mine…( except for when “I” choose to give )… 🙂 …you are keeping yourself and us busy…but it’s a good busy…keep up the great works…& many thanks X’s…
Thankyou Elaine and well worked out.
I find it interesting that, given the nature of my previous relationship, I was actually presented with a contract of ownership and service. The base template he found online already had similar elements to the covenant and laws of posession (naturally), but his edits and additions to it just make it that much more obvious. I realize in hindsight what I would have been signing myself over to. I still might have, such was the grip he had and the desire I had.
Hi Lilly,
I just read your comment here and i wanted to get something straight…..
Are you saying that your ex Narc quite literally gave you a contract to sign so that he could have “ownership” over you and your body etc???! I only ask because…….. wow!!……… its kinda got me a wee bit gobsmacked honestly!!! Lol. I dont know what i would do if someone gave me a contract like that….. i guess it would possibly depend on where in my own cycle, per se, i was at….. but i just cant imagine having any other response but falling over laughing at them then telling em that they are in for a rude shock if they think id actually sign that document!!!!
Id really love to read this proposed contract!! Lmfao!! Im very intrigued indeed Lilly!!!
OH……. please dont think im taking away from what you went through ir anything like that…. not at all Lilly!!!…. i cant even imagine what horror you feltbwhen given this and just the idea behind it!!! Im not devaluing your experience AT ALL so please dont think this!!!…. i guess yea…. i was just shocked when i read your comment hey!!…. shocked at the idea that someone would think this an entirely acceptable thing to do!!!
Cheers Lilly
– CJ
Yes, it was a literal contract with that intent. It was a “kinky” thing, and I wanted it more than anything else in the world at that moment. Yet I declined.
Wow….. in that sense, the kinkt nature…. i can understand a little more!!
Thankyou for sharing that with me Lilly, mychly appreciated!!!
And thank you for telling me your feelings in the moment too!!! What do you think pushed you to end up saying so???
Yea, given the kinky nature…. i can understand the idea of it much better now hahaha. Id still live to read it tho hahaha
Thank you again Lilly!!
I declined because it was presented to me in such a way that he didn’t actually want it but was capitulating to me. Which wasn’t the case at all, I thought he misunderstood my stated need. So I asked to shelf it until such a time that he felt it appropriate rather than making an important relationship decision based on an ultimatum I hadn’t actually made. The result was that I was essentially his anyway, just without any recognition, or responsibility on his part.
The contract had things like: My body and mind were his to use as he saw fit. All major decisions were to be run by him and all daily decisions were to be made with his pleasure and comfort in mind whether he was there to approve them or not. He could choose my clothing and hairstyle, and it was my responsibility to make sure marks were covered. I was to keep myself prepared for use at any time, however (and by whoever) he chose. He could administer pain at any time for any reason. I could be filmed or photographed anywhere, in any state, at any time. This was to be done in good spirit and if I ever protested I was subject to punishment. At that point, the punishment would be filmed too, and said activity would continue regardless. All media was his to keep for his own use. I could not withhold any info or fail to answer any questions. If he felt that was the case, I would be subject to ongoing punishment until he was satisfied that I had answered fully. I could not release myself. Only he could nullify the contract. Maintain discretion at all times and never discuss specifics to anyone.
That’s just what I can remember off the top of my head.
Far out…. im sorry but there is no way i would ever let anybody hold something like that over me!! F*ck no!!
Sorry Lilly but yea… ive just got certain thoughts in the way of some of those points that yea… they do not sit well with me in the slightest!!!
Thank you so very much for sharing that with me!!! That was extreamely interesting reading!! Im glad that you said No for the right reasons though and did not simply go along with it…. were you not concerned about there being some form of “safe word” or something that made it clear that he was to cease IMMEDIATELY whatever he maybe doing?? If not, did you not fear at all what he could be capable of?? Especially when it comes to administering pain howeverand whenever he wants, scaring you?? Im assuming this what you mean when you say that it was your responsability to cover any scars etc?? What about who he may have one day shown any footage too?? Were any of these sorts of issues things that you yourself had problems with or do you deem the acceptable yourself?? That you could be used be whoever je wanted to let use you?? He could choose your clothing, your hair?? What happens if he was not feeling very happy with you and sent you out into public wearing the most demoralizing outfit imaginable?? You were wanting to allow somebody to have THIS level of control over you?? To allow them to yes…. mark you permanently and make permanent recordings etc of you in all kinds of ways that ypu never know, could come back to bite you one day???
Did you truly think at the time that you were going to be with him forever?? Did you think this would please him?? Does the idea of being so completely and utterly subservient sound enticing to you??
Im sorry if my questions sound like im attacking or…. anything remotely like that hey!!! Im truly not!!! Im very much so all about each to their own and all that…. im also all to aware of the fact that everyone is sexually gratfied in different ways!!! The idea of handing yourself over to be completely used and….. well all i can say is abused sorry!!… maybe this idea is extreamely satifying to you??? Ill openly admit that i like that idea of handing over my control for a while to somebody else…. not having to also feel like i need to be on my A game so to speak!!! But NO WAY would i ever let anybody hold this level over me!!
But yes…. i dont ask in attack at all Lilly…. i simply ask out of attempting to understand!!
Cheers again Lilly,
Have a wonderful day/night
– CJ
We’ll see how this wordpress thing goes I guess. I don’t see it as an attack, CJ. A lot of it has to do with the mentality of bdsm, I think. It requires a massive amount of trust on both sides. Well and far beyond anything normal “vanilla” relationships have. Tossing Narc/codependency in there seems to take that even further still, at least for trust on the codependent’s part. At the time I was not aware of this as being anything other than a typical bdsm arrangement. Well, I had hints. In that they were glaring flashing lights like HG describes, where one says “Oh pretty!” instead of “Oh no, run!” One of them being that this was his “general guideline” for a lower level, more fwb situation.
I also am seriously walking the line back and forth between bdsm and codependency here. I must state that you can’t look at what I say as true in all cases or as the mentality of everyone. Fair?
The concerns you raise had explanations. I was given a safeword during play. In the case of administering pain whenever he chose, that was separate. The contract allowed me the right to scream, cry, beg, but if he grew tired of it he could gag me or whatever. (I should emphasize here, he never actually did that, and I didn’t think he would. Honestly I figured it was just there as a show of dominance.) This was where trust came in. Permanent marks like tattoos or scars, or things like cutting my hair were to be made with my consent (though I am permanently scarred, but by accident and before this came up). Him deciding how I was used and clothing is somewhat common, that wasn’t one of the edits. Again, trust. (I actually had already been passed around as a party favor like that in my prior N relationship, without any kink attached. That was just plain abuse.) But I trusted that this one would not put me at any serious risk or out in public in a terrible state, as these things would reflect poorly on him, if nothing else. If I were sent out in a truly demoralizing outfit that I just could not handle, I would probably have covered up and accepted punishment later.
The protections that I was afforded in the contract were consent to permanent marks, consent to changing the contract, free periods that I could openly express myself, things like that. I did feel at the time that I could express myself and raise concerns, and it would be his decision what to do about it. I trusted that he would make his decision in the best interests of the relationship and his and my health and well-being. By signing I would have trusted that if I gave him my mind and body, he would properly protect them.
The media he has of me is his. There’s nothing I can do about that now. Having family in law enforcement/DA does help me feel a bit better though 😉
So yes, I do have permanent marks, there is media of me. I wanted to be subservient because I find that empowering. It gives me purpose and direction to be under a firm (loving!) hand. I’ve never felt prouder than when I was “owned” in a previous, actual bdsm relationship and knew that I was cherished in such a way. I hoped I’d be with him a long time, but I understood that I’d serve him as long as he wanted me to. And again, this was all before looking back at it in hindsight and viewing it as a N relationship.
All that being said, I did still decline. There was enough off about it that I did say no. Everyone has their own level that they want to play at, that’s why there is negotiation and boundaries/rules set up in the first place for these kinds of relationships. Every relationship has their own negotiated ways that go as light or as hard as those involved want to. And to me it isn’t only sexual. Not at all.
You are sooo close to 1,000,000 hits. Will it happen today?
I think around about 9pm GMT today 1jaded. I shall be in a bar with a bottle of Deutz to hand.
Both don’t have number 5. You knew that, righr… L.
Right…
Yup.
Of course you did.
That´s right HG, but you dropped number 5!
I know.
I left a comment under the other post of this entry…..
Again….. i must ask…… NUMBER #5 HG?????!!! hahahaha
It’s intentional.
Ohh i see!!! Lmfao!! Cheers HG!!
Perhaps im having a mere blonde moment and missed something?? Or…. quite certainly im in need of bed…. for i dunno……. about the next 2 days straight i think!!!! Hahahaha
Ahhh…. i also did some more more word of mouth today which ill shoot you a msg letter with more details…. however do perhaps expect some more Aussies to drop on by!!… i did tell them to ask away with ANY questions the had for you so fingers crossed there are more that are similar to me in the way of being fairly outspoken!! (And yes…. i shall just emphasize the word SIMILAR….. as there are no others that will provide you with the experience that i do…. i am entirely unique after all!!! Hahahaha. But… i dont think you would be able to handle 2 of me anyhow HG!!! Lmfao 😉).
More detes later HG!!
Lol…
I just cant wrap my head around this. Iv known a N for more than 10 yrs and still cant wrap my head around it all. Every time i find answers it leads to more questions. Its never ending. I just want the day to come where i can say ” ok i get it now… I may not agree but i understand how ur brains work”. HG i wish i could take u home and pick ur brain untill im satisfied. It was this insatiable curiosity of mine and high tolerance level that made me stay for so long. I could write a book just on my questions
You are mire in the emotional sea at present Jules which is making it very hard for your to make sense of what has happened to you. It is understandable and an intended consequence of your entanglement with our kind. The key to getting across this sea is to build a vessel of logic. You will not cross the first time you try and you will have to make many attempts but the more you read the more you will understand and the more you understand will result in your clambering free of the emotional effect and instead applying cold, hard logic. Have you read any of my books yet?
Thank u. No i have not read any of ur books yet. Iv downloaded samoles of them all and read that si far and theres so many to choose from i just cant decided which to buy first. Then as im about to but one i find a few more samples. I write faster than i can read haha!
The thing is is i figured he was a narc/ sociopath/ psychopath 3 yrs ago. He had 28 out of 30 red flags. I thought bingo. Im onto him now. I soaked up any material i cud get my hands on on the subject ( i was in the discard stage at this point) i armoured myself with all this knowledge and prepared myself for a future hoover. I WAS NOT going to fall for this crap again. Soooo. He calls… I crumbled like a cookie and everything id gathered went by the wayside? Why? Cos he was soo frikken convincing. I WANTED to believe him because its easier to believe he loved me rather than he didnt. Man this guy needed an oscar award for his latest performance. But my gut kept telling me to double check everything out. Anyway of course i unraveled all the lies and exposed him.
My point is i can amour myself with all this knowledge but one convo with him and he has me on his camp again. So i just have to remain NC as thats my best protection cos i dont trust myself with him. Im stupid when it comes to him. Like im bewitched!! Im looking for the book ( if uv written it yet) about the narc on sex and intimacy. Its this part of my relationship with him that i cant figure out. In the beginning ( before sex) he showed affection. ( minimal tho) as in cuddling kissing etc. after sex he just skipped that part out completely. Especially after sex if i tried to touch him or hug or kiss him he wud pull away like he was repelled. Iv spoken to his ex wife she admitted he was the same with her. But recently after finding out he has another women ( very young) i called her and she told me oh he kissed and cuddled her. This freaks me out. I cant get past this one. I complained about his lack of intimacy all the time! Is this possibility y he withheld it especially from me because he knew i wanted it so much. But y give it to the young women for over a year now ? So now im thinking maybe she was special maybe he actually loved that one
The new very young woman may not be telling the truth about the kissing and cuddling, if she knows who you are and she has been brainwashed by him, it is entirely conveyable that she would want to get one over on you. If she is not lying, it is part of the seduction and he will withdraw it in due course to draw the reaction from her. He withheld it from you as he knew it would provoke a reaction.
You can obtain Sex and the Narcissist here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B8NKS4A
Sometimes you have to switch off the safety filter to see it in searches because it is classed as adult material. It is available in paperback as well.
I think you’re right, Jules. It was because you wanted it. They know how to read us very well and know just the things to withhold and deny us in order to hit the hardest. They do what they please and there’s no point wasting energy to try to understand. It’s so hard to wrap one’s brain around. I ultimately had to reconcile it in my own mind as they’ll do what they want and it’ll be that way because they say so. Then at that point it becomes more about me and how I react.
I’m learning more and more the answer to that is “f*ck it.” Stay on your guard for hoovers of course but don’t let that show of affection make you start thinking she’s special and loved. F*ck it. It’s hard as an empath to accept but it’s not your problem and he’s gonna do what he wants. Ruminating, trying to find a reason (especially in relation to how things went down between you and him), that will just make it harder for you to purge him from your heart and mind. He’ll do the same to her in time or if something else would work better against her then he’d do that. I reject the super sugary intimacy like excessive kisses and cuddles, hand holding and pet names. I even get a skin crawly feeling and pull away if I’m touched in certain ways. So they simply found other, more effective methods of hurting me emotionally.
Also I don’t know how old you are but I’ve talked to a couple guys in their early 20’s, and a narc who normally talks to girls that age, they were super lovey like that. So maybe that’s just how your N has to be to hook this younger prey. Could just be a necessity thing that he’s being like that towards her, and knowing it hurts you in the process? Double win.
Thank you HG for writing this. ….#2 brought back memories. (like take my hair products that I brought over to his place for my use and he would use them until gone and not replace, take my food I brought to leave there for later, hide my stuff(god I hated that), use my stuff and “lose it” and I never got it back…He did this to his daughter too, when she came for visits. Ate her favorite ice cream up and not leave any for her. Loose her stuff.
Both she (step daughter) and I would make sure never to leave stuff at his place. She would try to explain to me how to interact with her father when I was dating/engaged to him. “Just say it is OK, and he will cheer up”, “dont make a fuss, he will get mad”….egg shells everywhere. God, I am sad for her…..I tried to protect her and couldn’t. I could leave him, she couldn’t. He’s her dad.
I wouldn’t wish this path on anyone, including him. Damn it. I am still grieving the loss…I know it is healthy to do AND it sucks. Sad today. Still strong, though!!!!
Once you have discarded someone and walked away from them, do you still think that you possess them?
How do you feel if or when you see a previous partner with someone else? Or getting the attention of other men? Do you feel jealousy? Or regret? Or do you not care?
Of course we do.
Criticised and our fury will ignite.
Yes we feel jealousy but not regret.
We may show contempt for you through the manifestation of our ignited fury. We don’t care about you. We care about how it makes us feel.
This is on point, especially today. Over the last week of getting hoovered thru FB Messenger, I’m guessing since I didn’t respond to his flirtier texts with giving him my # again (that he deleted from his phone about 4 months ago), I was lectured how everything was my fault. This included me sharing to him that 2-1/2 years ago after we romantically reconnected after one of his long silent treatments, I found out thru friends he hooked up with someone else the next weekend and it crushed me. He replied, “why are you patching together random stuff that had nothing to do with you and making it about yourself? You create your own scenarios and reality”. He didn’t deny the hookup. His point to me was to stop accusing he has a hoard of girls in his phone when he just hooked up with one. After a few more exchanges, for the first time ever he said “we’re done” and blocked me from FB. Are you f’ng kidding me?
It is true that no matter how detailed your facts are down to a minute-by-minute timeline, you can’t argue a point with a Narc. You’ll be told they can’t date a library of saved texts.
It never ceases to amaze me!
H.G. are you going to say he’ll still Hoover at some point? I’m thinking I must have wounded him somehow if he went to the trouble to block me.
Good observations Clarece. He will still hoover you because firstly he knows you present too good an opportunity for the provision of hoover fuel to resist and secondly he know through your nature you still have a desire to engage with him, not because you want the Formal Relationship any longer but you still feel raw and have things you want to say and because you want to toy with him also.
So it really is full on, playing cat and mouse? I may still be the mouse but now I have boxing gloves on and at least he’s getting punched in the nose a few times before he slinks off into a silent treatment.
Such aggression Clarece!
You even said he’s conditioned to return because I was always Super Tanker level fuel for him, so now it’s confusing to him when I respond but I never quite let it go to where it used to. He’s not getting the flood of relief. How is that being aggressive? Oh, it’s not.
Wanting to punch him with your boxing gloves is you tinker!
Now onto Sitting Target and for the life of me I cannot figure out what range my N fell into. Grrrr… He could be a cross of all 3 if that is possible… He never hit me yet seemed to be a victim but could love bomb me to death…
When I release the books about the individual cadres Mary,it will no doubt be clearer.
I struggled to see where my ex fell along the spectrum as well. Best I could figure was mid range cerebral or elite. I think these categories and things help us understand. It’s important to remember though, it still boils down to the fact that this dude hurt you. I had to keep telling myself that.
Amen, all that matters is he hurt you and you have the right to leave and be treated well, whether on the narcicistic spectrum or not. I too questioned it and felt the urge to understand. Not sure why I needed that validation, my lower self esteem and self doubt after so much gas lighting I believe was part of it for me. No more, it feels so much better to be no contact and have my mind and intuition coming back. It’s a long journey for us all, and it’s worth it.
Same post?? Why twice??
It failed to show up on the FB page so I had to post it again.