10 Hoover Hurdles
The hoover. It is one of the most discussed periods of the narcissistic entanglement. I am referring to it in the traditional sense, namely the three post-discard/escape hoovers, although as you will be aware from my works, there are other hoovers throughout the interaction between us and you.
There are most likely two reasons for the post discard/escape hoover being a prime topic of discussion. First, by the time you have worked out what you are dealing with you will have already experienced the seduction, devaluation and discard/escape. The post discard/escape hoover is what is occupying you now because it may have happened recently, is ongoing, or you anticipate it happening. The second reason is that the possibility of ongoing interaction with us continues to fascinate you and thus the post discard/escape hoover becomes the focus of much of your attention.
I have explained previously that if the Initial Grand Hoover has taken place and failed (this hoover being caused by your escape) then you will face follow-up hoovers thereafter, of a benign and/or malign nature. Their catalyst is whether you enter our spheres of influence through something you have done (spheres one to five) or the fact you have just entered our mind for some reason (sphere six). If you have entered a sphere of influence, we always consider (though dependent on the nature of your type of narcissist the degree of consideration varies considerably) whether a hoover could be effected. There are certain hurdles which will either prevent that hoover from taking place or reduce the likelihood of it taking place. What are those hurdles?
- Your Whereabouts
If we do not know where to find you so that we can appear face to face and look to garner some excellent Proximate Fuel by turning up at your home, your work or somewhere else you frequent this naturally poses a considerable problem to us. A Greater Narcissist will apply some effort to ascertaining your whereabouts, a Lesser is unlikely to do much at all. Accordingly, as part of building your defences the necessity of changing where you can be physically found not only pays dividends in commencing No Contact but affecting the likelihood of a later hoover.
- Your Accessibility
In a similar vein we need to be able to contact you. If we do not have a physical place to either attend, drive past, leave a note or send a gift, then we will look to access you through electronic means. If we know your telephone number, we are far more likely to hoover or if we have a means of contacting you through an app or on social media. If you have effected a media blackout and managed to sustain it, the prospects of a hoover happening are vastly reduced.
- Gullibility of Friends and Family
We may have a lieutenant in your ranks already. If so, the prospects of being hoovered are increased as we will have them lined-up to leak to us where we can find you and how we can contact you. Even if there is no lieutenant, if there is the prospect for a hoover we (or one of our lieutenants) will approach people in your camp to gather this information. It is often done under a separate auspice – there may be an emergency, some post has arrived we need to pass on, there is something confidential to relay to you – and if your family and friends are trusted with contact information their susceptibility to releasing this information is important. Bear in mind several months may have passed and if a lieutenant approaches your parents or a friend, they may not be alert to the danger. If those who might have your contact information remain impregnable then the hoover prospects are diminished.
- Happy and Contented
If you are demonstrating (to the outside world at least) that you are happy and contented, then this will affect the hoover prospects. Generally speaking we expect you to still be pining for us and miserable. This is regarded as a condition which is fertile ground for a successful hoover. If we are aware that you are moving forward, you rarely mention us, you appear generally happy and content then the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind will be less likely to attempt a hoover. This is because they may be easily rebuffed and even though you may do so in a pleasant way, the fuel gained will be minimal. You should be aware however that a Greater will regard you as a prospect to break and therefore will not be dissuaded by seeing you happy and content alone.
- A New Interest
If you happen to have moved on to somebody new, which of course is dependent on the passage of time and other factors, then again a Lesser or a Mid-Range is less likely to hoover. The prospect of being rebuffed and thus wounded through criticism will prove too great a risk to them. They will feel criticised already by knowing you are with someone new when you should be holding a torch and pining for them and they are likely to regard the hoover as too risky, with the prospect for no fuel and further wounding. This will not apply to the Greater Narcissist. We are more likely to apply a malign follow-up hoover and lash out at you and your new partner to get a double fuel strike.
- Your Fuel Potential
You will have been an excellent source of fuel at some point, that is why you were chosen and ensnared, but that changed. The reason hoover fuel is so potent is that you will have recovered to some extent from what has happened to you, you will want to see us or be relieved that we have come back for you (not always but often) and most of all the fact that we have abused you and yet we can still entice you either to start the Formal Relationship again or even to provide fuel shows how powerful we are and thus adds to the potency of the fuel. If you are a super empath or a co-dependent you will be a prime prospect for hoovering. However, if we regard you as still badly crippled by what we did to you so that you have been in effect numbed so that your emotional output is muted or deadened, this will affect whether a hoover will take place. In such circumstances a proxy hoover may take place so a lieutenant can scope you out. Or you may (if circumstances allow) receive a paving the way message which is not a hoover in itself but rather a way of seeing how the land lies to then decide whether a hoover attempt should be made.
- Your Knowledge
If we are aware that you know what we are or have information which could be damaging to us in the form of amounting to a serious criticism this will lessen the likelihood of a hoover. Whilst a Lesser has no awareness of what he or she is, if you do know and you keep making mention of it and adapting your behaviour accordingly, he or she will at least sense there is little fuel to be gained and/or the risk of criticism. Similarly, a Mid-Range will realise that there is something “off” with the situation and think very carefully before being exposed to less fuel and/or criticism. The Greater is not concerned by your knowledge of what he is. He will deny it and look to manipulate the situation to his advantage to draw further fuel, but he will be concerned by anything that could cause criticism.
- The Façade
This carefully constructed and maintained device which we use to repeated effect against you is important. Not only do we use it against you but it will be used against other victims and those who help create the façade provide us with fuel. We do not want this to be damaged or fractured in anyway. If we ascertain that there is a risk of this happening if we hoover you (for instance you have damning evidence of our behaviour which could be circulated if we engage with you) then we will not want the façade damaged by such exposure and accordingly the prospect of a hoover happening will be diminished.
- Energy levels
If you enter our sphere of influence when energy levels are lower as a consequence of lower fuel provision, then the hoover may be regarded as not worth the effort. If, however there is easy accessibility and the prospective fuel gain is considered to be significant then even low energy levels would not be a dissuading factor but if there are other factors as above in place which would prove difficult then when we have low energy levels this makes us less inclined to want to perform the hoover. This situation may arise where we are still embedding a new primary source after your escape or we may not have one yet and we are reliant on fuel from secondar sources. If the hoover is perceived as having hurdles and energy levels are low, even though you may have entered a sphere of influence, we may look elsewhere for fuel and not engage in a hoover.
- The Type of Narcissist
The particular type we are has a bearing also. The Lesser will be looking for easy gains, low-hanging fruit and immediate results. The immediacy is important. Lacking the calculation of the Greater, he will be inclined to hoover if you are in near reach even if there are other sources because he is unable to control his thirst for hoover fuel. He will however risk being rebuffed and this will in turn ignite his fury causing him to lash out at you with potential repercussions. If the Lesser does not see an immediate opportunity he will move on. He is akin to an opportunist burglar. The Mid-Range will put a little more effort in but will be cautious in his approach, his narcissism mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on. The Greater will need considerable hurdles to prevent a hoover happening when a sphere of influence has been penetrated. If he knows there is very potent hoover fuel he will apply considerable effort, like a well-planned heist, to get those jewels.
These factors need to be taken in consideration with one another to determine the likelihood or not of a hoover happening once the sphere of influence has been penetrated.
38 thoughts on “10 Hoover Hurdles”
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A round of applause for your blog.Much thanks again
Thank you Ryan.
Truly. I’m astounded by your articulation and knowledge of the complexities of their behavior. I’m now beginning to comprehend the master behind the mind.
My ex-husband only contacts me through email. He’s blocked on every platform. I’ve made it respectfully clear my reasons for going no-contact. He love bombs, then guilt trips, then threatens to hurt my family and I.
It’s Christmas today and I woke up to another threatening email. Instead of enjoying this holiday with my children, I’m paralyzed with anxiety and fear.
Should I be wary of his threats?
1. Why are you maintaining email contact?
2. It is pointless explaining why you have gone no contact, the narcissist will not accept this.
3. If you prevent him from hoovering you through email, you will not know about his threats and therefore this will not concern you.
4. Establish through the Narc Detector what type of narcissist he is, as this will assist you in gaining some degree of assurance with regard to his actions.
I escaped. There was no grand Hoover. He did, however, post a satellite photo of my neighborhood on IG and prank call me weeks ago. Yesterday (almost 4 weeks later) he called and left a message; it was just an instrumental song with no emotional attachment to us. No words were spoken. I suppose that was a Hoover but I don’t know what the point would be.
Yes those are hoovers. The point would be Thought Fuel for him and also to see what reaction would come from you in order to act as “feeler” for further hoovers.
Thank you, HG. I didn’t call back or contact in any way after that call. He has me blocked on FB; I found out yesterday he and his cousin tried to add a friend of mine. I haven’t contacted him at all. Every day I feel more and more like myself again.
He’s 40, jobless, lives at home and is an alcoholic. He’s tortured. I feel sorry for him. Love him, but no longer enjoy the abuse.
Do you think he’ll continue to Hoover or do you think he’ll realize I’m really done this time?
There is always the risk of a hoover. As detailed, it depends on whether you enter the spheres of influence to cause a Hoover Trigger and then whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. You are at present raising the bar so the likelihood is diminishing.
Thank you!
Hi HG,
Just got hovered by a lieutenant today, his mother. She told me he loves me and was diagnosed with a mood disorder and getting therapy/treatment. Well, they missed the narcissistic personality disorder, but oh well…
Tired. He is a grown-azz man with an above average to superior IQ. His mama calling? Really?
Boy, please….
All is as the fuel demands it to be. If that means getting Mum to proxy hoover, it will be done.
Hi HG, Yeah, I know. I was more expressing frustration and wonderment of the level someone will go to in order to get fuel, even if it compromises my view of them and their self-respect. Incredibly unattractive to get a proxy from a 40 something’s mother. At least to me.
How often do you hear of Narcissists being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder( either mistakenly so or correctly as a co-morbid disorder)? I know folks with BPD often get mistakenly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Just curious if this is common with NPD, from your observations.
HG hoping you can help me understand something please? After witnessing first hand a nasty triangulation and discard attempt of someone else at a time where I now believe I was being lined up as a replacement primary source I realised something was wrong and made my escape from an 8 month relationship. Before I realised what no contact really means various power plays and flying monkeys were thrown at me in a Hoover of about a week. Since then he has continued to stalk my social media profile for 12 months since. I have him blocked & have privacy settings in place and that is literally the only place he can find me (I closed email addresses, reset stuff etc to be certain) but I regularly have stuff like fake profiles trying to friend me or someone trying to reset a password on my account in the middle of the night so I get a text message alerting me to it. I choose to ignore it and it all has plausible deniability but it’s enough for me to know its him. Given the time elapsed & mostly no contact I thought he would give up and move on to more promising options – I know he has them. He neglected to tell me he was married until it suited him & remained with his wife so fuel is definitely available. He gets zero response from me. What’s up with this? Are these malign hoovers? surely I have bored him by now or is it because he knows I escaped?
Hello Nicole, thank you for sharing your current experience. Yes these are malign hoovers. The fact you escaped him and you continue to block his attempts means that his actions towards you are malign. He is being powered in his attempts by other fuel and therefore his actions are not driven solely by the need for fuel but rather because he wants to punish you and draw that sweet malign hoover fuel from you. He will eventually give up but it may take time yet. You clearly enter his spheres of influence (most likely the sixth) and he evidently regards the conditions as appropriate to execute a hoover, since he keeps doing so. In a situation where there is no response but the hoovers keep coming, it is very much the case that he has fuel from elsewhere driving him and his malignant desire to punish you is also powering these attempts. I suspect he is a Greater and he found your escape a mortal criticism to him. His tenacity is redolent of my behaviour.
Hi HG, thanks for your support. Nothing is as it seems with a Narc and I realized today that before I saw mine in that crowded club, the only two seats available where outside in full view of the marina. My gut feel told me something was up when these seats were empty in such a crowded place, seemed unusual. Although I remained as emotionless as possible when I saw my Narc, after she left, I showed the full shock of seeing her to my friend who was with me….by putting my face into my hands and shaking my head in disbelief etc. I thought today that the hoover was clearly designed to shock me and even though I contained myself when with her, she may well of seen, or had one of her lieutenants observe my (emotional) reaction, after she “left”….which, if the case, would of provided her with delicious hoover fuel…no? To beat the Narc is no easy thing…she has spent her whole life gathering fuel and is an expert at it.
No. 4 and 5 is what I have mostly heard and also by experience..
Excellent list… Hoover unplugged
Ok…I now see how much hoover fuel means to a Narc. I moved across the world getting away from my narc but she had told me that she would be coming to the continent I moved to for a holiday before I went no contact. I knew which country she would be visiting and we are both consummate sailors. I was offered a chance to go sailing on a bank holiday weekend in that country, there are few sailing marinas there and there was a regatta taking place that weekend. Now even though the odds are incredibly low that by going to her country and visiting that marina I would be hoovered, an attempt was made. Just by coming into her circle of influence (unwittingly because I couldn’t be sure which part of the country she would be visiting at that particular time), I was hoovered. Is it possible that she could be hacking into my email account to get a better idea of my plans?
Hi Magia, I have just answered your other query. Her appearing as she is doing is not now coincidence. It is based on her being tipped off. She is either hacking your e-mails or she has a lieutenant in your camp tipping you off.
I’ll go through everyone I can think of who might be a lieutenant, could she have recruited a person in my life as an new lieutenant without having met that person face-to-face by getting contact details of that person(s) from my email? How do you recommend countering the email hack? Changing email address obviously but is that enough? I told her that I knew what she was and that everything that had happened to us was fake. I told her she could “take off the mask” and repeatedly asked her to remove her sunglasses (there was hardly any sun) and she refused to by asking me “why” repeatedly. Then she said something along the lines of “so now you want to hit back huh?” and made a fist and a hitting sound?…I replied “no” (emotion free). If she’s been hacking my emails she’ll know I’ve read your book “Revenge”. She also asked me if I speak French. She knows full well that I don’t but either this is gas lighting again or its checking to make sure because she resides in a French speaking country and knowledge of that language would enable me to exact revenge more easily. Moreover, the friends around her while we were talking speak French so perhaps she was concerned that I would start talking to them? Have I screwed up my revenge campaign now?
Yes do ascertain if anybody could be a lieutenant.
Change e-mail address and change all other passwords.
You ought to check that software has not been downloaded to your phone that allows her to see what is on it and in some instances to send messages from your number.
You need to check that there is not software on your computer which is allowing her remote access to it either. I recommend you also tape some card over your webcam for the time being.
You can also undertake a preliminary search for bugs in your property. This is detailed in No Contact and Exorcism to save my fingers.
No you haven’t screwed up your Revenge campaign, you will just need to box clever but guess what, you have a champion in your corner.
Great comment, glad to have found it (useful information).
When I read the ‘search for bugs’, I thought of my dog and her fly / spider hunting skills. And watching her while she did it, fascinating at how she could hear them so well (the spiders) long before they appeared ! Yes, it’s moments like this that can cause an increase it ET but not linger long. Thank you for reading HG 🙂
Does an IGH occur after discard? Was the app invite it? Damn, what a lazy bastard….
The IGH follows escape. A benign follow-up hoover would be used to bring you back to the fold post discard. The app invite was a benign FUH. He knows you are special…
Ha! the girl that killed herself ordered him pizza from every place in town. Little did she know about him he sued each of them for harassment and stuffed his face with the free pizza lol.
Eventually the hampster wheel in my head will stop and I won’t care anymore…your blog is amazing 💕
Got a Hoover tonight…I think. Dark Narc text me to get my daughters school account info so he could put money in her account. He hasn’t talked to her in a month and or offered me any $$. So I did respond to him on how to get the app on his phone and added a snarky comment (I know…wrong). His responsed by damanding i give him the email and passcode. I did not! Part of the reason is bc a couple weeks ago when I was creating the password for the account I made it “narc narc whose there” not even dreaming he would offer to give $$ or a s**t about his daughter.
Still trying to decide if I should change it. Think this one might give me as much fuel as him😁😈👊💩👍💝😱
Narc narc who’s there, that amused me. What e-mail and passcode does he want? Why do you feel that you should give it to him?
I have emails and videos of him gaslighting me, triangulating, manipulating, and pulling the switch & bait. I have lots of evidence. I am keeping it to myself, unless he continues his smear campaign and I need to prove to others exactly what he was doing to me, or if he starts any trouble for me. I am keeping hold of everything just in case.
HG, I told you previously that I moved across the globe away from my narc. This weekend I went to a neighboring country on a last minute invite from a friend and on Sunday evening he and I went for a drink at a place I’d never been to before (never even been to that town before). The club was very busy and we took the only free seats available. He went off to buy the drinks and while I was waiting I began to look around and noticed that two women were sitting on the back of the chair next to our table…literally less that 3 feet away…and I could not believe what I was seeing….one of the women was MY NARC EX!!!! I was blown away, staggered!!!!….The odds against meeting her at that place, at that time, under those circumstances, having moved across the planet are zillions to one against!!!! I knew the best thing to do would be to ignore her but I was too blown away…I couldn’t believe my eyes…it was surreal..supernatural! I broke silence and said to her (as she was pretending to not notice I was there) “How is this possible?” The conversation didn’t last long and I keep my part of the interaction emotionally neutral. I told her that I knew what she was and that I was at peace because I knew that what we had together was just a illusion. I said a lot more but she seems to want to retreat and get the heck away from me. I was not supplying much fuel (I hope). She kept on insisting that we hadn’t seen each other for 6 months when in fact its been less than 3, probably because I was coming across as strong and self assured. Anyway….please explain, if you can, how the hell could I get a hoover having gone no contact across the globe under those circumstances with the odds stacked so high against a chance meeting?
This is either an incredible coincidence of your ex has a lieutenant in your ranks who has tipped her off as to your whereabouts. This was a hoover but since you criticised her with your comments and gave little fuel this is why she wanted to get away from you.
Her insistence on 6 months when it is not 6 but 3 months is gas lighting.
I’m pretty sure mine is The Greater…
I’ve seen and experienced all (except #8) …they all are correct and thus the reason I wasn’t ready to disconnect my number – no answer, he’d be where I work, live or where ever else he could find me. Now that he disconnected my number, I still have the same problem but I refuse to give him the new number… I can assure you he finds new ways, like the ad I took out on Craigslist – I placed a Google number – he now has that but at least I have it go to email and not my phone! 🙂
Number 8 – The Facade – I am pretty sure I have enough evidence to take my narc down, yet that doesn’t stop him and he is more than aware. Just like I threatened to get a restraining order…he sends me about 12 pictures to show the police.
Really you can’t blame a man in love for fighting as hard as possible for said love, right? (or is that just something from your previous posts….)
Indeed DC79, it is amazing what we will do in the name of love.
In the name of fuel – not love. Very different for them.
Hi DC79, Hope you keep safe, hun! I’m sorry you were stocked all over the place, including here😟 a place we all hope is safe.
I think the greaters scare me the most as they are the most motivated and intelligent/cunning. I’m grateful my recent ex was more mid range and has not put that kind of effort in. I have been stocked in the past by two different men (not entirely sure if they are full narcicists and I had no clue back then in my 20s). I moved to another state because of one threatened me and it took a couple of years to not look over my shoulder. The other vandalized my car and then after 15 years fb friended me (ex husband). He still sends messages, even when I ignore. I think he has a mixture of BPD with NPD….I don’t like to think about it as I am now seeing the pattern in me….but I need to to stop it. I have my own issues to heal…..I’m scared to think about dating ever again, though I must say the info I got here has answered more questions in both myself and those I was in love with and the patterns than anything else I have read or done.
Please be safe and sending safety positive vibes ~~~~Indy
Thank you Indy. (((Hugs))) It is difficult to love a narc and choose to let go, especially when you know your heart isn’t ready. I don’t think I’ve ever been so torn as with this last one. I know that it is strange that I am still talking about him knowing he’s probably lurking but if he’s reading he knows its the same as I’ve told him and called him prior to our break up. I am sorry that you STILL have had to encounter your ex n from years past! That is insane! I’ve had my share of stalkers, mainly pre social media… I’m not giving up my alias for anyone though, I am quite fond of Dragoncreeper! I’ll get through this one like the last… I am blind to whatever my issues are other than the desire to always give more than I should…which doesn’t bother me…I fulfill myself, if that makes sense. I don’t want to date because without fail I know I’ll choose the wrong man all over again. I will tell you that I have thought about leaving the state but my daughter needs to finish her last year of school before heading off to college. 🙂
I appreciate you sending positive vibes my way, it is needed and I hope you find the Solis in yourself! ((((Hugs)))) 🙂
Fm
OK, HG, I am thoroughly impressed and wish to say “Damn, you’re good!”. You summed up my current ex in the following with regard to hoover pattern:
“The Mid-Range will put a little more effort and planning in but will be cautious in his approach, mindful of the potential repercussions and therefore a few hurdles will put him off. He may apply a little effort to consideration but it does not take too much to cause him to move on.”
He called once and left a message and left two texts and gave up(I did not read or return messages). I also kept in mind that when his MatriNarc would go silent on him, he said to me, “I am not stooping to her level and I am not going to call her!” He had some past therapy and I always wondered if he learned to deal with her by using that…she was a control freak and very cold.
I also think he will not contact me for pride reasons…. I left his tush in a manner that did not help his bruised ego and he knew it. I am guessing he will not return for more hoovers, even if he is a mid range cerebral/victim combo…. 6 weeks NC!!!!!! Woot!
~~~~Indy doing a happy dance~~~~
Mine has a pride thing too Indy. He would, say, if I ever wanted him gone, just tell him and and he will leave and be gentleman, all He wanted was my happiness, even if He can’t make me happy. I am an amazing woman…. Mind when I did tell him, he had different words for me, not so. Generous. He sent me a Hoover email, had someone message me as well and that has been it since end of June. Also midrange cerebral narcissist with victim traits. According to HG.
What we always need to remember, all Narcissists lie to further their own agenda, there are no exceptions.
Woot, indeed Indy…here’s to six more and six more….and so on.
wow poetic me, we really did leave our relationships right around the same time. I left mine on US Independence Day, 7/4, isn’t that funny ha ha. Independence indeed!
It sounds like we had a very similar dude in our life. I was/am really sad that this relationship didn’t work, why did he have to be so emotionally and verbally abusive? He had the looks, was Really smart and I was so darned smitten. Darn it, we were engaged. Sure, he was self-absorbed, had no idea how to empathize, and looked at me like I was from outer space when I expressed emotions like crying. And that cold stone face, The first time I saw that face it sent chills up my back. I so wanted him to get better… But that was my issue not his. My job was not to rescue him, but to rescue myself from losing myself in the vortex of a narcissism and codependent waltz.
6 more girl!!!!!!! We can do this!!!!! Look out world, we are the graduates of HG academy😎