The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist
You know that No Contact is the key to beating the narcissist, but how does it affect the narcissist?
This Logic Bulletin explains to you what happens when you impose your No Contact Regime and how you can expect the narcissist to respond.
It covers Lesser, Mid-Range and Greater Narcissists in fascinating detail.
How does the narcissist feel?
What happens if you tip-off the narcissist that you are leaving him or ending the relationship?
What happens to the narcissist if you end the relationship and say nothing?
How does the narcissist respond?
What do you need to look out for in terms of common errors which will prejudice your no contact regime and place you at risk?
What will the narcissist do by way of response, so you can ascertain how to avoid this?
The content of this Logic Bulletin will give you these answers and more so you can build your Logic Defences and understand what will happen when you impose no contact now or in the future.
87 thoughts on “The Effect of No Contact on the Narcissist”
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Wow. That absolutely defined what happened when I left him. I had my son with me and he hates my boys because they stood up for me and let him know that if he tried anything with me then my oldest son told him “ he would mop the floors with him”.
Heather
Ha ha ha…you have good sons!
Thank you for your blog and for all the responses from readers. First, let me start by saying that I have NEVER posted on anyone’s blog. I typically didn’t read a lot of blogs until I found myself involved with a narcissist. Second, I had misconceptions about narcissism and I had no knowledge of narcissist abuse that is, until last year. Similar to other victims of narcissist abuse, I suffered from cognitive dissonance that left me feeling unsure of what was happening to me. But on some level my experience felt like living in Hell; not that I’ve ever been to Hell. After I managed to end my relationship 7 months ago, I began to educate myself on Narcissist Abuse Disorder (NAD). The more I read the clearer it became to me that I was the victim of narcissist abuse.
Your comments inspired me to briefly share my experiences with what I now understand as narcissist abuse. I met my former significant other (SO) September 2017 in the aftermath of Hurricane Irma. We immediately connected. We are both divorced and middle-aged adults that were interested in companionship. I was happy to have what I thought was a healthy, interesting, and financially sound companion to spend time with, especially after I had taken a 5-year hiatus from dating.
Within few weeks of dating, my S.O. expressed his interested in a serious relationship. Then, we moved quickly into talking about marriage. Intuitively, I felt things were good but not good enough to discuss marriage. It all sounded flattering but I began to feel intense anxiety whenever I spent more than a few days with my former S.O. who happened to be a Pastor (yeah…go figure). After about 3 months of intense romance and compliments that were over-the-moon, I felt things were moving too quickly. That’s when I suggested we take a time out and allow our relationship to progress naturally. I explained to him that I thought it was healthier to take our time and get to know and enjoy each other. Although my former S.O. agreed we should to take things slower, he hid his true feelings behind a mask of resentment that eventually came off. His initial criticisms were subtle and left me questioning if he had legitimate concerns that I should consider. As time progressed, his behaviors became more controlling with manipulation, gas-lighting, and constant interrogation about my whereabouts, friendships, etc.
Your blog described exactly what happened to me when I attempted to leave in an effort to put distance between us after exhaustive, emotionally draining conversations. For example, my former S. O disengaged the garage door on three occasions so I couldn’t remove my car. When I questioned why the door was suddenly malfunctioning on my side of the garage and not his, he responded that it was the “Good Lord’s Will”. I immediately set a boundary and asked that he make sure the door where my car was parked not malfunction again; for any reason. And if he didn’t think that was possible, I would park my car outside the garage. The matter was resolved and I didn’t have any further problems with accessing my car when I wanted to. However, there were a series of other unsettling events that convinced me I should end the relationship and go NO CONTACT, which I established 6-months ago.
Since going NO CONTACT, my former S.O. even attempted to use my son as one of his “flying monkeys”, sending information back to me hoping I would contact him. By the grace of God, I haven’t done so because ‘me being healthy is a choice’! My former SO has emailed me twice, which I’ve ignored both attempts. His most recent email was a plea for my help with finding some Christmas decorations he thinks I mistakenly took from his home….my response was He’s Kidding Me…Right! Why on earth would I take his Christmas decorations with all the stuff at my house I’m already trying to give away. Then, I remembered this is an example of the ‘crazy making’ [insanity] I experienced in our relationship. At first I felt anger and then I felt gratitude for the serenity I have [“one-day” at a time] since ending our relationship.
Being contacted by my former S.O. is when all my studying about narcissist abuse becomes invaluable. If it weren’t for articles, books, stories from survivors, blogs like this one and people who so courageously share their ‘experiences, I could so easily have responded to my former S.O’s manipulation. After all, my empathic self read his email and said, “A person would have to be pretty heartless to ignore someone’s (even a narcissist’s) plea for help during Christmas…the season of Goodwill, Joy and Love”. But then I am reminded that the best love and compassion I can extend to my former narcissist S.O. is done with NO CONTACT, through my prayers and kind thoughts, and by helping people that I feel safe being with. Happy Holidays!
Welcome on board, thank you for your compliments and well done on 6 months’ implementation of your regime, although you should look at tightening it up with regard to the email contact that occurred.
Why don’t these demon idiots get help. They obviously know on some remote level they have a huge problem!!!
If counseling does t work, then maybe an exorcism is in order. No “Sympathy for the Devil” here!!!!
😢😢😢This has just happened to me. He’s now calling our mutual friends and telling them he didn’t out his hands on me and that I’m not who they think I am. He’s very manipulative. He strangled me until I went unconscious causing injuries to me…. bilateral eye hemorrhage, black lips, swollen lips and jaws, neck pain and almost broke my neck during the process. He went as far as trying to take care of me and wouldn’t allow me to go to the hospital. He placed ice packs to my face and rubbed alcohol to my broken hand. After staying around me for 3 days he had to go to work and I reported to the hospital and charged were filed. He called me, texted me, fb messaged me, emailed me up until he found out the police was involved. After about a week he was arrested and posted bond and now he is telling everyone he didn’t touch me and trying to prove his innocence where as the medical records and pictures show differently. I am in a state of shock that this has happened because he appeared to be and treated me prior to this happening as if he was the perfect guy. Now while we are awaiting for court he is to have no contact with me however, he is still trying to ruin my name and character. I’ve never experienced anything such as this before. I found out he has Put his hands on both ex wives as well as someone else before. He is now a habitual offender…and are awaiting court. I’m still left in question as to why??? Why do this to me? Why lie after you’ve done this?
Anyone here apply the No Contact when there’s children involved? I already know they will be used against me to gain contact.
I’ve been in mind games with a narcissist and finally when I had red flags enough to think this guy have probably a disorder I rejected him, I didn’t give him any explication, he tried to hoover me several times but I never gave him a chance.
This happenned almost two years ago, but we work together I see him every day, and still he continues making things to make me feel bad, guilty…etc.
We don’t speak because I decided to stop any contact with him.
Anger, silent treatment, blocked my phone number….everything that he can do to make me react, he did.
Actually he still turn his back when I pass by his side (trying to show he rejects me), ok, that’s fine.
Is it a hoover to make me desire him back? or is it really rejecting me?
Because sometimes I catched him by surprise searching for me when he thinks I’m not aware?…
Why he still sometimes try to hoover me?
I have noticed that even I CAN NOT have any eye contact because suddenly he begins to hoover me again…how long is going to be this situation? Sometimes he looks indiferent, but suddenly he changes and try to make eye contact with me…
I do not feel anything for this guy, I want him out…what do I do? Will he leave me alone anytime? or am I fuel forever because I rejected him and I am in the sphere of influence?
Can you give any advise? I can ‘t change my work, no contact is impossible. I feel this will never ends…
Hello Bri, this kind of situation and the detail required is better suited to a private consultation. You can find details in the menu bar of the blog.
Maybe you are still addicted to the drama of being involved with this narcissist. You can change your job. Watch for opportunities and think outside the box. Downsize/Minimize your life/possessions/habits to the MAX! Visualize a cord between you being cut. Just decide that you truly want this to be over and know it’s possible. Sell everything. Stop subscriptions, car payments (get a cheaper car,take the bus or bicyle), memberships, etc. Better to live in an RV and move to another state/country and work at a supermarket than to continue having this individual in your life. Plan in secret. Take the leap.
You hold the key. Take personal action every day toward minimizing. Do not share or explain what you are doing with anyone. Take your own counsel. Action is the antidote for anxiety.
I had red flags enough to think a collegue in my work have probably a disorder so I rejected him, I didn’t give him any explication, he tried to hoover me several times but I never gave him a chance.
This happenned almost two years ago, but we see each other every day, and still he continues making things to make me feel bad, guilty…etc.
We don’t speak because I decided to stop any contact with him, but we are in the same floor, only separate few yards away one from the other.
Anger, silent treatment, blocked my phone number….everything that he can do to make me react, he did.
Actually he still turns his back when I pass by his side (trying to show he rejects me), ok, that’s fine.
Still, after two years, I catched him by surprise sometimes searching for me when he thinks I’m not aware…
What is for a narcissist being rejected by someone?
Why he still sometimes try to search for me?
I have noticed that even I CAN NOT have any eye contact because suddenly he begins to hoover me again…how long is going to be this situation? Sometimes he looks indiferent, but suddenly he changes and try to make eye contact again with me…
I do not feel anything for this guy, I want him out…what do I do? Will he leave me alone anytime? or am I fuel “forever” because I rejected him and I’m in the sphere of influence?
Can you give any advise? I can ‘t change my work so no contact is impossible.
Would you ever explain what’s in the lesser mind when he is depressed? because I read about rage, but I’d like to know the other side…the depressed time…or maybe the narcissist in my life feels rage while showing depressed? No contact is ok with people in distance but what happens when he is in the neighbourghood and you have to see him every day? must be forever trying to avoid him to stop hoovering? does stop hoover sometime? thanks for the blog, is a really good site…
When a Lesser is depressed he is depressed in the way that anybody is depressed. He sees no way forward, he may neglect himself, he sees no point, he feels exposed and weakened. The world is dark. The world has brought him low and is a cruel place. He has little to no energy and is withdrawn, secreted away.
If you have to see your narcissist every day then you keep away from him or her and do not engage with them.
The hoovering occurs in accordance with the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria.
HG, from reading your blogs, I have determined that my Narc is a Lesser. Whenever I try to gently, calmly talk to him about the things that he’s done that have caused me to not trust him, he resorts to screaming at the top of his lungs. While shouting, he will viciously poke his fingers at me and he once poked me in the eye which caused a serious eye injury. Despite injuring my eye, he continued to poke my forearms, which were crossed in front of me and he caused some severe bruises.
Now he has resorted to trapping me in the bathroom and not releasing me, or in a part of the kitchen where I can’t escape from him. While doing this, he is poking his fingers and waving his hands so close to me it will only be time before I get hurt.
The reason this happens is because I’ve tried to get closure for catching him flirting with other women by texting them and on Facebook. We live together and he’d bought me a promise ring which he gave me 11/6/2015. Shortly after I noticed a change in his behavior towards me. I didn’t a really catch his romantic text until April of 2016. I was going to leave him, but he promised to have nothing more to do with her. He still refused to say he was in a relationship with me on Facebook or unfriend all of his former girlfriends. I told him it’s not right to have women as friends that you’ve had sex with. He accused me of not wanting him to have friends and I told him to get men friends like normal men. He still kept texting someone until all hours of the night , not talking to me or spending his evenings with me.
This is what I found out was happening. He works at a hotel and a guest who he claims has a crush on him was constantly staring at him. Then she wanted “advice” about a boyfriend and spent hours of his time talking to him. So I found out his Facebook password and saw that she’s the one who was texting him before 5 a.m. and as late as 10:45 p.m. He was telling her all about his job, his new schedule. He spent more time texting her than ME. He now claims he was only being professional. He gave her our address and she sent him a card. He friended her on Facebook and I could see all of their messages on Messager. He told her to call him when she’d get off work or go on a break. She lives in another country but was flying in CONSTANTLY! Her family obviously has money. I don’t and neither does he. I read where this woman had given him her flight itinerary many times, her hotel room number – at the hotel where he works! Asking him to meet him to eat in the fanciest restaurant there, then to meet off the property at The Olive Garden. So many inappropriate things! When I called him on it he was terrified I’d call her and confront her and these were his exact words, “She’ll call my boss and I’ll get fired. But I didn’t do anything wrong, I was only doing my job.” When I’ve asked him how her calling his boss would get him fired he’s never answered that question, he’s just gone silent.
He has only talked to me about his exgirlfriend who I caught him texting with. But when I try to talk to him about this so-called hotel guest, he will become violent and trap me in a room until I let the whole thing go.
So, what I’m asking you is WHY is he freaking out about the “hotel guest”? If it were as innocent as he says, wouldn’t he be calm?
Following
Hi HG. I was sure my ex is an upper lesser, now after reading this i am not so sure anymore. When I told him that it is over his eyes started tearing immediately and he started guilt tripping me. I could see that he was angry but he was controling it. I then decided to stay. He then started lovebombing me intensely and the discarded. Is this what upper lessers do? He never hit me or because violent and I don’t think he will but he gets extremely loud and insulting when he is angry and his eyes become very scary
No.
No to what? Is he an upper lesser or not?
Not na upper lesser.
Still in hiding after ending things with a lesser….. haven’t stayed at home … he showed up raging with his own son in the car .
Would the thought that my 7 year old daughter would be here in bed stop that rage, in genuinely worried because this is the first time I think he knows he has lost control.
The police have been involved this time and applied to him that he stay away from my property and have no contact with myself…… will this have any affect with the lesser ? Thanks so much for your help in aiding us all…… better than any site iv found, and iv been gearing myself up with knowledge for 4 years now , was with him for 5, definitely a super empath, and have been primary and secondary sources of fuel to him! I fear the loss of control will make him spiral and reading this has worried me !
Thank you for any help you can give in advance
Hi HG I am from Colombia so my English is not that god. I reed the article and it is what happen to me .. I been with him for two years and yesterday I told him face to face that I can not do it anymore beacause I was tired of his sitting ..and he transformed in to a mounster but his reaction was kick me out of his house.
He took me by my hair and dragged me from the room to the exit. He kicked my legs and the back…. And lock the door .He block me from everything FB WHATSAPP..
I feel it is the end of the relationship .. I think he feels that he cross the line and he is not coming back.. becasuse it was so dramatic and awfully..
in your experience do you think he will come back? Because I feel weake and scare of not benign strong enough to say No.
Hello JG, your English is good. It may be the end of the Formal Relationship, but it is not the end of the Narcissistic Relationship. He regards you as his property and he will come back to extract more fuel from you. The drama and violence was because you criticised him an ignited his fury. You ought to establish no contact straight away as he will look to draw you back into his control. Read No Contact on how this can be achieved, as well as Fury and Fuel so you understand what he is doing. Black Hole will serve you well also. He will come back at some point because you will enter into his sphere of influence and because he regards you as someone he can control and gain fuel from, the Hoover Execution Criteria will be met. You therefore need to build your defences now so that he cannot contact you and he will be forced to gain fuel from elsewhere.
HG
I don’t believe I have read your take on retraining orders.
Would a restraining order actually anger a narc because he legal can’t get at you?
Are they even effective? I am thinking a lesser would not care about a court order.
Here you are SII
https://narcsite.com/2016/10/14/showing-restraint/
Mine left and within 2 weeks was in a relationship. Since, I found out he started talking to her while he was devaluing me. He contacted me a few times after using songs and being sweet but I forwarded the new girl his messages then went no contact. Of course his new fuel source is married. I think he gets an extra charge knowing that and that she chooses him. I don’t believe he’s a lesser. He was never violent but used all the other tricks. I doubt he’s a lesser
I have been threw that situation so many times. The last a year ago and it left me with a broken rib. At least now I know why.
Once in a while, I hear about these stories where the guy (after a breakup) would either go to the womans work and kill her in front of everybody, or he’ll throw battery acid on her face, so no one will want her.
I imagine these acts are popular with the lesser type of narcissists.
Which book do I need to purchase To find this in please????
A variation of this with more information galore will be available in The Lesser Narcissist which should be available in a week.
great!!
Omg HG . Spot on! Now I’m learning… And you was correct after only a snap shot that my ex N is a lessor . Another piece of the jig saw completed . Reading this…wow it is exactly what’s happened to me . But it has still shocked me to the core. I nearly died Ffs! If I would of known how dangerous he was I wouldn’t of told him face to face I wanted out! and then put myself in a vulnerable position , home alone with him . Si lucky I survived…but will he come back and try to end me again ??? After 2 months that worry subsided but after reading that it’s back again! … HG??
The worry may have returned but it will subside and now you have knowledge on your side. A huge advantage.
The Narc I know does not reach out, so I am safe. Well he has but now he is with someone so I am safe for now. Pisses me off too that the PIECE OF SHIT is so damn happy.
Hello Steph 🙂
He’s not happy , he just wants you to think he is . Ask HG x
I think I will be sick. I fell for that song shite. He even learned to play one for me taped it and sent it. Probably sent to at least 4 others at the same time. He saw me coming a mile away. A year out of a very long mariage and not even looking. I was so nieve but because I have a sixth sense, I new something was not right and never opened my heart up to make a lasting wound. I actually grew as a person from the experience and that kills him to know that. Told him I have been watching his game for 6 months, I hit the no contact shield. Ran, he will never find me. Oh but he wants me to. I see all his traps and games. Should someone try that scheme again I will tell them I don’t listen to that shite!
That is such a magnificent description. .. what about the Greater HG? 👑💋❤
He appears in Part Three Maddie, keep your eyes peeled.
Wow excellent description and spot on. Like the stories read in the newspaper. I suppose all those battered women/men who inted to leave their partner and end up in hospital or worse, are victims of a lesser.
great article
Can’t wait to read more. After reading this, N2 isn’t a lesser fo sho.
Socc…er…I mean football…Brazil seems like they may take gold. This will make my office very happy.
I hope HG is not out wineing and dining his latest victim God help her. He should know he needs to be on hand for this blog and emails 24 /7 . This is the equivalent to the samaratins hot line 😱
No HG is returning from football and assorted revelry.
Hahah. That made me laugh Lisa , but in truth sooomuch better . 🙂 x
This brought back some very painful memories for me, HG. It took me several attempts at ending the relationship with #1 before I manged to completely break free.
The first attempt ended with him hospitalised for attempted suicide. The second with me hospitalised for a broken leg. The third and final time with him being arrested for actual bodily harm.
With the Lesser of your kind the physical danger is almost guaranteed. I have not lived with anyone since and have no intention of ever again. I value my independence and it also makes no contact much easier to implement should I need to in the future.
Thank you for this reminder. I don’t think you can stress enough just how dangerous this can be.
I am so sorry you went through this, Centauride. ((Virtual hugs)). I have always escaped physical harm to me, I am so lucky. I totally understand the love of living in your own and independence. It’s how I got out of my last relationship with an narcicist relatively easier. I kept my own place and resisted moving together. My gut knew, not my brain or heart at the time.
Thanks Indy, it was a long time ago and I have my beautiful son to show for it. Silver linings.
Hello centauride12.
100% agree with you on this .
I lost count of the amount of times I was dragged back into my house, doors locked. keys , mobile & landline phones hidden . Laptop & pc destroyed & car tyers slashed .
But for the fact that he eventually found a new supply I’d probably be dead now .
I hate the fact that narcs are so convincing /manipulative that we are made out to look like the psycho ex but I’m learning that actually NC hurts lesser Narcs . That can only be a good thing 🙂 x
HG every time I try to purchase a book via Amazon uk it won’t let me. Ideally I’d like to be able to just download as ebooks or kindle but I never can . Was just trying to purchase chained wouldn’t let me .
I suggest you email Amazon. Their customer service is pretty good.
You are on the UK site you can order the book on USA site.
Well HG mine is not a lesser then so he’s got to be a mid . I will have to see . Although most of the time I did end it but I think he wanted me gone he’d already withdrawn . But the one time I took him by surprise and ended face to face . He left it a week then starting chasing but in a , I love you I miss you way
What about a higher level or narcissist, say Mid-range Elite one?
Keep reading. That’s why it says part one.
What about the higher levels of the narcissist? Say, mid-range elite one?
Keep reading. They’re coming.
Hi HG,
Reading this has spurred a few thoughts in the way of my self absorbed, idiotic ex…..
I gave her the chance to stop me leaving per se…. it was however in the form of laying down the law in a “you have until 5pm Tuesday to contact me to sort this face to face meeting out. The second the clock on my phone ticks over to 5:01pm…. i am finished!”. So yes…. im asduming this was possibly met by her with a “how dare i say such a thing to her” response, therefore her choosing to NOT respond in this timeframe (which is in fact exactly what i expected from her!! This is the thoughts i assumed she would have and i was 10p% certain she would not contact me by the proposed deadline).
However, based on this article…. if she was a lesser, she would not have been able to exercise this much self control and would have raged at me instead…. correct???
Or…. is a female N more calculated at times in her response?? From what ive read…. a female N seems to be more capable of controlling their rage than a male… prefering to fight with mind games and tools like sex at there disposal. However i may be wrong in this assesment too….. thus coming and asking you???
Or…. its also entirely possible that she is not a lessor after all?? Perhaps she is more mid or high…. although i really dont think her intelligent enough to fall into a high catagory than the lessor?? I wouldnt want to give her that sort of false credit now!!!
Then again….. perhaps after all this…. she is quite simply not a narcissist after all???
I mean….. its bern 3 weeks or more (i think!!!) Since that deadline has come and gone and i had 1 weekrnd of prank calls from a private number…. thats it!! I have been expecting more to be completely honest!!… but i also feel like a part of her is staying away purely because she does not want to give me any satisfaction that comes with me being right or her coming across as the “needy” one (as you can see…. im at a wee bit of a loss as to what to think at the moment!!!???…. its just got me thinking after reading this post of yours!!).
Any thoughts or insights HG??!
Cheers, CJ 😉
However, based on this article…. if she was a lesser, she would not have been able to exercise this much self control and would have raged at me instead…. correct??? – Yes, correct.
Or…. is a female N more calculated at times in her response?? From what ive read…. a female N seems to be more capable of controlling their rage than a male… prefering to fight with mind games and tools like sex at there disposal. However i may be wrong in this assesment too….. thus coming and asking you??? – There is no discernible gender difference in rage control.
Or…. its also entirely possible that she is not a lessor after all?? Perhaps she is more mid or high…. although i really dont think her intelligent enough to fall into a high catagory than the lessor?? I wouldnt want to give her that sort of false credit now!!! – She may be a mid-rage. It might be that she unleashed her fury at your ultimatum on those around her and this provided sufficient fuel to heal the wound without necessarily seeking you out.
I mean….. its bern 3 weeks or more (i think!!!) Since that deadline has come and gone and i had 1 weekrnd of prank calls from a private number…. thats it!! I have been expecting more to be completely honest!!… but i also feel like a part of her is staying away purely because she does not want to give me any satisfaction that comes with me being right or her coming across as the “needy” one (as you can see…. im at a wee bit of a loss as to what to think at the moment!!!???…. its just got me thinking after reading this post of yours!!). – There was a hoover attempt through the prank calls. 3 weeks is not long at all. There will be more to come.
Ok…. thanx HG for the answers!! Muchly appriciated!! Have a good 1
You are welcome CJ.
HG I think you are correct about female narcs and their mind games. Mine was great. And she loved using sex as one of her tools. I learned all about that from your book “Sex and the Narcissist”. I hope there is a follow up.
There will be and thank you Snow White.
Why is this the first I have heard of this? How could you? You know that’s my book! *uncontrollably sobbing*
I will respond to this. Tho not a Narc. Diagnosed BPD, I also carry many narc personality trates you would never ever see in me at first. Because I see everything very black and white, if you mess with me I am very very deadly. It comes from no place and you never ever see it. I am pushing that anger down as I see I am being played. I plan and I scheme and then I kill. I am very calculated. The other side of me would never ever show that personality. So I do think women with a personality disorder are very controlled with there emotions and strike from no place deadly. I want to say, I have never hurt anyone that did not play me.
Thank you SII. I too am diagnosed BPD and yes…. thats why i asked to see what HG’s thoughts were too as i agree with you (especially as a female Borderline capable if what you have mentioned). I know im very capable of being cold and calculating when i feel it nessecary!!! But yes… thought i would throw the question out there in regards to narcs as the article suggested that the lessors are not capable of this in a fit of rage when walked away from and im dealing with an ex N now!!).
Cheers tho SII!!!
CJ
If the two of you were already on the outs, yes absolutely for sure, she was not going to give in to your placing a time frame on her. I can tell you that with absolute certainty. she is pissed but will not reach out. Not because she doesn’t want to look like the weak one. It’s because she will not give into your control, to place a time frame, on her own decision, she feels needs no time frame. I know that’s it. I was a horrible wife. I played all the mind games in affairs. I am not proud and I am learning from what I have done. I can see now why BPD and Narc are in the same cluster family. At least for me the black side of my thinking is where my narc traits lay. These were all mind games played on me my whole life so I found it very normal to play them myself. I probably could have been a great narc but my huge empathy developed, the other happy side of my brain, the white side. I could not seem to close of to emotional pain.
Thank you HG. This is invaluable for battered women. You have described what I needed to know. I do have a question. If music was the bind in a relationship, as sick as that may be. Music being extremely important, may even provide fuel. He made it important in the relationship, would this not always be a sphere for him. Would this not allow him to move forward because he is stuck in the sphere of our music? He is I know he is. So I could typically, always be a hated, reminder, that I was smart and got away? I am sure I am very hated. I have no doubt.
He would use the music he used to bind you with another primary source that he seduces. In effect doing this would “overwrite” the significance of that music in terms of it relating to you and instead its significance would relate to the new person. He would move forward in this manner.
Wow, this is actually a cool idea, HG. Think of it in reverse. I have an idea I would like to pass by you. What about, as part of Exorcism of the ex narcicist from your mind, the person leaving/survivor makes an antinarc playlist to counter the music worms left in the mind? To counter and overwrite the associations. And when strong enough, overwrite the songs with new experiences on purpose?
Or, have you already said this somewhere and perhaps I missed it.
One ought to delete those songs associated with us and avoid hearing them as I have outlined previously. It is a useful opportunity to return to old favourites which are not associated with us, acquire some new songs and then over write the new experiences on the associated songs as you suggest.
Mine played a song as if written for me. Ha! I didn’t believe him, I wanted to but something was wrong with the early timing and the expression on his face. Now I am sure he plays that song to each new “project”.
Of course he does NV. It is a standard tactic of ours.
HG what’s your song that’s rolled out to each victim during your seduction love bombing golden phase ? Is there one in particular or are there several in your repertoire!
Be interesting to know at least one of your most used ?
You need to do some more reading Lisa, I have detailed a playlist previously!
Lisa, have a look in Confessions of a Narcissist.
No contact is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is by far the worst pain I have felt. I left her cold turkey and I have read your No Contact book but it is so hard. I know I am supposed to lock and bolt every crack but I still have one open and she knows it. I feel like I will be on the vessel in the sea forever, never reaching the other side. I can’t wait to read how the other narcissists feel when they are left. I still feel guiltily. Your articles are just what I need to reinforce what I already know in my head. Thanks!!!!
I struggled with the same feelings Snow White! It gets easier but then you get the residual love feelings sneaking in once in awhile!
I’m still being emailed all kinds of tactics to get me to respond but its getting easier…although its really hard to ignore him when he shows up to my work or home!
Hang in there, we will become stronger and hopefully the feelings of guilt and sorrow (for them) will dissipate! 🙂
Thank you dragoncreeper for the encouragement. It really does help when there is someone out there that understands.
Its still excruciating for me snow white . Im still on HG,s life raft , waiting to reach the shore . I attempted to end it with him and he just blanked my reasons and carried on like normal . But got his brutal revenge a few weeks later , blaming me of course .Sometimes i wonder if hes NORMAL and ive got it wrong ? Ive been left alone for 6 months and 2 weeks wich is unusual reading everyones comments . I agree with you lisa😃
Notice how that seed of doubt that was sown has grown as you wonder if he is normal and you have it wrong? That is keeping him in your mind and also keeping the door open for his eventual return as you will want some kind of confirmation.
Hi Christine , over 6 months is hard . I found it hard because it was over 3 months before I got a small Hoover . Also you read every where that they chase and come back and can be like stalkers. Mine has not done this so it does make you question your own sanity even further.
I take it you have no doubt HG ?
I believe and trust you , i used to feel that about myself . Of course id like confirmation/ closure but i have to accept this will never happen . Im still in the fog and my heart still hurts .
Doubt creates weakness and must never be entertained.
I wonder if I will ever feel NORMAL again. I feel like a completely different person Christine. Hopefully the fog will lift for us and it’s terrible how your heart feels like its continually breaking.