The Porn Supremacy
There is a significant correlation between our kind and the use of pornographic material. Once upon a time, one might imagine that the size of a person’s porn stash might have been a rough and ready indicator of their reliance on porn and their potential for being one of our kind. Nowadays the availability of porn through the internet means that millions of images and videos are available at the click of the mouse. No longer is it necessary for people to buy top-shelf magazines, visit an “adult sex shop” to purchase videos or DVDs, or import some hardcore material from another jurisdiction. It is far easier to go online and obtain a porn fix there instead. If you have been entangled with our kind, it is highly likely that porn featured on the agenda. Initially, it will have been used as an aperitif to sexual activity, watching a film together or surfing for some interesting snippets in order to get us both in the mood or enhance the mood further. It would provide a basis for discussion between us as to ascertaining sexual mores and appetites. During seduction we would garner from you what worked for you, what turned you off and what intrigued you. Some of that knowledge would be put to use as part of the seduction and some of it would be stored away for later use. Porn would be used in an effective and healthy manner. Our true use of porn would be suspended by the needs arising from effecting the seduction, embedding you and extracting your positive fuel.
Porn appeals to each cadre of narcissist as a consequence of its availability and ubiquity. I will detail below a host of reasons why narcissists of all cadres and schools utilise porn, especially during the devaluation period, but to begin with, a brief mention as to why porn is specifically appealing to these groups.
The Victim Narcissist – with low energy levels and often a low libido, porn provides an easy and available option. Some Victim Narcissists also suffer sexual dysfunction and therefore watching porn is an easy substitute for something they are less able to do.
The Somatic Narcissist – porn is his playground. His obsessions with body and performance come together in a glittering array of writhing and gyrating bodies. Porn is the cradle of the somatic.
The Cerebral – whilst he may have less interest in the sex act, he still wants to know plenty about it and watching extensive amounts of porn, understanding techniques, observing scenarios and so forth enables the Cerebral Narcissist to stockpile his sexual arsenal for later use through spoken and written communication.
The Elite – quite obviously a combination of the reasons that attract the Somatic and the Cerebral means that the Elite finds much to relish in the world of pornography.
The Lesser – the power and control which come with porn appeal to the lesser. His lack of imagination is also catered for by watching such a massive array of porn.
The Mid-Range – acquisition of knowledge about porn enables him to portray himself as more capable than he is and enables him to talk a good game.
The Greater – the access to depravity and humiliation appeals especially to the Greater. Whilst such actions will also be evidenced in the Lesser and Mid-Range, it is the Greater who makes more extensive use of porn in this fashion.
Accordingly, porn provides some kind of use to each school and each cadre of our kind. If your narcissist did not appear to access porn, then it is probably the case that you just never caught them doing so. Secrecy is a significant part of the narcissistic lifestyle and secret tablets, activity in the bolthole and password locked devices will invariably be masking a use of porn.
Why do our kind make such extensive use of porn? The use of porn naturally is nor per se a bad thing and many victims enjoy viewing porn as a stimulating and vibrant addition to sexual activity. Those reasons are for stimulation, increasing knowledge and technique in order to please themselves and their partner and in essence for reasons which would be regarded by many people as “good”. Our reasons are far more varied.
- Objectification. I have explained previously how we regard people as objects because they are our appliances. This is even more so when we watch porn. Our grandiosity and sense of omnipotence means that these objects are performing for our benefit. We sit before glowing screen akin to a director as these objects interact at our say so. If we want to watch two women and a man together – click, we find the video. If we want anal – click, we find the video. She males, enemas, bondage – whatever we decide the objects should do, we just click and the relevant objects appear to do what we want. We consider ourselves as commanding them to do our bidding.
- Lack of intimacy. Our inability to feel many emotions means that intimacy is abhorrent to us. Yes, it will be faked during seduction because of the greater aim that exists but once there is no need for this, it is readily jettisoned. You may (not always admittedly) seek intimacy in your sexual union with us. We will not want that during devaluation and therefore this will result in an ignited fury response. In order to avoid such a scenario arising we take refuge in the world of porn where there is no intimacy. It is cold, clinical and two or more objects performing as we decree.
- Control of the environment. We do not want the environment to control us. We must control the environment. This is why control ranks so highly in our day to day dealings. In the arena of pornography, we are in complete control of the environment. We transport ourselves into the scenario as god-like we control it, directing people to place this here and that there, do this, do that, take this, take that. Porn is the ultimate place for us to be able to control the environment.
- Reflection. We do not exist save by reflection. This is why we have such an incredible need for external approval and why we seek fuel from everything that we interact with. Your emotional responses (good or bad) provide us with validation that we exist, that we matter and that we are important. We also take your characteristics to use as our own in order to further our construct of what we want to be. Porn facilitates this also. The supreme Olympic performances of those in the videos that we watch, we consider to be us. Therefore, we take those characteristics for ourselves. We also regard the reaction of those in the videos, their orgasmic screams of delight, their groans of pleasure, even the harsh words issued by a dominatrix to be directed as emotional reactions to us and thus fuel is gained and we receive validation by these people recognising us. We become a participant in the porn. If the video is a POV (point of view) production the effect is heightened.
- Withdrawal. By choosing to spend our time watching porn rather than being in bed with you we gain fuel from your response. Sometimes it will be Thought Fuel as we think of you lying there in a lonely bed upset and wondering why we spend so long locked in our bolthole and other times it will be Proximate Fuel as you berate us for watching porn or become upset when we reject your advances and head for the study instead. Our extensive use of porn is utilised to belittle you, thus drawing fuel and reinforce our superiority over you.
- Lack of challenge. We hate being challenged, after all, we are superior beings and you are inferior therefore any challenge you may issue to us in the sexual arena is unwelcome during devaluation. You are not allowed to make demands on us, have sexual needs which require fulfilment and the like. Those on the screen do not challenge us. Instead they comply with us and facilitate what we want and thus they are preferred.
- On tap. We require repeated validation and recognition of our importance and what better way than to receive it from a medium which is always there, always delivers and does so in spades? It does not feel tired; it does not have a period nor does it have a headache. It does not baulk at a certain demand or resist a depraved act. It performs when want it to and it provides us with what we need. This is how our appliances should operate and how we expect them to operate.
- Shame. We feel safer operating in an environment that does not require an emotional obligation on our part. Not always, but you will often expect an intimate connection with us during sexual activity and we do not want to provide this as we cannot. Whilst we take fuel from your emotional reactions, you often want this reciprocated in the sexual arena more than any other and we are reminded of our inability to provide certain emotions to you and this creates shame. This is a criticism which will then ignite our fury and cause us to withdraw or lash out at you. We do not wish to experience this shame and therefore by engaging in viewing porn we are not subjected to this emotional demand from you. (This is also a factor in our kind’s use of one night stands and prostitutes).
- Uniqueness. By delving into deviancy and taboo activities online this reinforces our sense of being unique, special and above everyone else. Vanilla sex is available for everyone but we are not everyone. Watching the more deviant and kink sexual activities is not done in order to gain a sexual kick from doing so (although one will be present) the main aim is to reinforce our sense of being unique because we watch (and by extension engage in) such activity.
- Triangulation. We will use the watching of porn to triangulate with you. Either through withdrawing from sexual activity with you or using what we have viewed as the basis for insisting on you engaging in similar activities and telling you why we want you to do this. This allows fuel to be obtained and enables our superiority to be reinforced.
- Social media. Our porn habits during devaluation are usually solitary activities in our boltholes where we are also able to reach out and gain fuel from a wide range of appliances through social media at the same time. This creates a heady brew of fuel from our porn viewing and our interaction with appliances through social media. This is highly edifying for us and by combining the two we feel especially powerful. We receive fuel but we are also god-like as we command the people on screen to do our bidding as we pull the strings of those we message and text.
Accordingly, porn is something which appeals considerably to our kind.
216 thoughts on “The Porn Supremacy”
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Hi , all I know this is an old post but just reading through the comments its hilarious in a good way.Wow ladies HG was really flirty here , some of the banter is so fun .Love it.It does take the edge off when it gets light hearted like this.
HG- do cerebrals not like sex at all? Like they are asexual? Does that mean they don’t physically cheat on their partners?
They like to talk about it, they will engage in sexting for example, but the physical act is not something that is often engaged in but a Cerebral can physically cheat and would do so as part of binding the victim, but they would place greater reliance on other methods of binding that victim.
haha! already thought that sex and love addiction would be the ultimate coping mechanism for narcissists.
In al that i’ve read about sex and love addiction therapists/studies…, they say its the other way around. They think sex and love addicts have a narcissistic false facade, and/or even have sociopatic traits
.
Is it possible for a Cerebral to have high sex drive? I assume they would deal with this with masturbation/auto-eroticism if they do, rather than sexual act with a partner?
Or would said “high sex drive” be mirroring and posturing during seduction?
They can do but it is unusual and the response to it, is as you have described.
Is mutual masturbation though Skype/sexting akin to auto-eroticism to you? Or would you feel more emotional strain as with IRL coupling?
No, that is suitably distant.
OK. So I’m getting the picture now. My narc used me as a convenient “sex” partner since I was long distance and most interaction was via sext/video/voice calls. Particularly if he is cerebral this would be a great arrangement for him because it would LITERALLY be like directing pornography (that’s me), but totally without the emotional context/proximity/need for cuddles.
Also side benefits of positive fuel in general and once sex is involved oh so easy to triangulate and foster jealousy for some negative fuel too.
He once told me that he felt he had two marriages, an emotional one with his wife and an erotic one with me. What in the world does that mean?
I’m taxing you today HG, sorry. 😉
It is called triangulation.
It is called condescension.
Haha. But yes, ok, I should have seen that by now. I thought maybe there was deeper meaning given that he said that when I was trying to leave, but silly me, there is never any deeper meaning
I assume, given your high caliber, that you enjoy a good ball busting banter, HG?
Hi HG,
I did a lot of reserach on the topic lately.
and I wonder, did you ever had a brain scan, that made sure you are a sociopath?
thanks.
Miss D
No, that isn’t necessary.
Hi, again. How come it isnt necessary?
im interested in the topic related and interconnected to sex & love addicts, narcissism, sociopathy, and unsafe attachment styles…
( avoidant dismissive and fearful avoidant attachment styles)
I happend to have had a relationship with a high functioning sex and love addict, with brain damage in the emotional part of his brain.
later when i found out about narcissism being a big factor in sex and love addicts.., i started to wonder, is there a difference?
if both are looking for fuel…
also, did you ever did a test on attachment styles?
or, do you know what kind of attachment style you have?
from what i read from your blog, it looks like a dismissive avoidant attachment style….
i’d like to know since im writing a book on the topic.
thanks.
D
No such thing as a sex addict. It is a narcissist who uses sex as the primary method of gaining fuel.
I’ve learned that many “sex addicts” are empaths. Starved for love…it becomes their drug. I agree with HG on this. They are really love addicts.
I would like to think I’m 60-70% empath and 40-30% narc…. depending on the day. But…after my entanglements I became 85% narc with sex. An ULN somatic changed my thinking and gave me perspective enough to truly see the cerebral ULN after 9 yr and leave him. Yes…I was blindly faithful for 9 yrs but I pulled a Supernova all over his face. Overnight, seeing the shift in power, he became the codependent. It was pitiful…
I have balance now and use my discernment but, for a while, sex did replace love for me and served as a distraction. Much thanks to the validation this blog provides and the empowerment it gives all of us.
So this is awesome. Makes so much sense. And to think I ended up in the hospital after discovering my husbands porn activities, chats, etc. and learning I was the only one that had been living in a completely sexless marriage for 12 years. Well, I guess I am kinda crazy, I did believe he couldn’t have sex due to his RX “drug effects making him impotent”. LoL.
Still trying to recover….
Hi HG ,
I am almost 100 percent that HE only watched Porn with himself in it. Homemade movies were his Porn choice above all. The other stuff I watched with him and he was not really interested. He had quite the collection indeed. Some of the woman that had no clue they were being filmed and some who were willing participants. Is this because it heightens the experience because he is watching himself and much fuel is obtained? I was not triangulated in this way that I can remember.
Can you elaborate on over-masturbation and edging when it comes to your kind?
Hello MTS, I am not sure what would be regarded as over-masturbation, but one of our kind who masturbates frequently will do so aligned with fantasising for the purposes of envisaging god-like control of the participants. See the book Sex and the Narcissist for more.
With regards to edging, if you mean with regard to applying that to someone else then it is a form of control and of course a way of gathering fuel from the person’s reactions. If it is practised on self, then it will be linked to the point made above and in furtherance of exhibiting control over oneself for the purposes of improved performance.
His excuse for lack of performance was always stress. I thought it was way more to do with his obsessive self-relief. Am I wrong thinking this way? He definitely thought so. Would this confict be enough for a discard? What do you say Mr. Tudor?
It would not be enough in itself to cause a discard.
How long would the use of porn in case of a new supply (lover) be suspended? Around what time does the newness wear out?
Porn may well be used as part of the seduction if it was perceived and established that the victim would find that a point of attraction.
If not, the narcissist is far less likely to use porn as he will be focused on the new primary source during the golden period. There may still be occasional use, but not as extensive as when the devaluation commences. Thus the newness wears out as the golden period ends.
Good read – thx FYI bullet points came out a bit crowded on my laptop – maybe the theme?
I have been entangled with one of your kind (a lesser, no less) and porn has figured prominently– in MY life! Who knows what his internet porn habits are. Who cares?!! I have a fire in my panties and that’s where he comes in ( no pun intended. Ok, pun intended).
Why the hell else would I keep his phony, no-sense-of-humor, personality of a dial-tone, emotional maturity of a toddler, attention-seeking ass around?
Hard to swallow this conversation. To be raped by someone you know is horrible, but to be raped by someone you do not know, even worse. Long term ramifications that can take a lifetime to overcome if at all.
Some women like to role play of being taken against their will, very common fantasy, this is with someone of trust.
Horrible Horrible Horrible. Terrifying!
Serious question around porn and sex if you are up to it and that is not a pun. Can I please email? God. I choked while typing that.
Yes
Right.
Changed my mind. I am called a tease. I’m not. I care about you. People mistake this for something more. I was with someome in the woods and we were having fun. I was complimenting him. We laughed and then he grabbed me from behind and joked that he wanted to rape me. I put a stop to that with martial arts training. Would you ever feel that entitled? It goes into sticky territory. With my salty language, things get murky….but no is no.
You won’t answer.
Don’t think so but your blog and your rules!
You didn’t answer lol….I seriously didn’t think you would. I am so getting your silent treatment. I stripped the shit…would you feel entitled to rape someone?
No silent treatment at all 1jaded, I am travelling yesterday,today and tomorrow so the opportunity to answer is limited to certain periods of time. Our kind feel entitled to rape someone. Our kind may indeed rape someone (invariably the intimate partner as opposed to a stranger, the latter is very rare). That is the position speaking for our kind as a whole. What about me specifically I hear you ask? I too have the same entitlement. Would I act on that entitlement? No. There are two reasons. One my charm allows me to get what I want with regard to this specific situation and two I am alive to the consequences and am not so stupid as to place myself in a position which would potentially cause me difficulties when I can achieve my aims through the application of charm and/or utilise a different form of manipulation to gain fuel and exert control. I don’t care about the victim but I care about myself, hence I will assess and evaluate each situation and adopt the appropriate course of action in order to gain the maximum benefit for me with the minimum of difficulty and hindrance. Of course, many of our kind do not exhibit the same awareness, calculation or evaluation and that is why they do indeed act on their sense of entitlement.
I do believe when a narc is involved with a primary say a wife, and if sex is initiated and the wife says, “I am not really in the mood” the narc is likely to keep going, and say something like, “I thought I could get you in the mood.” The narc would never see such an act as “rape” they merely are entitled, after all the wife or husband is their property, and there are no boundaries. It was this way in my own experience, never brutal just forceful enough to keep me held down, but gentle enough to confuse, while looking straight into his eyes and clearly saying, “I really don’t want to do this” and his response “Yes you do, you just don’t know it.” I even mentioned he had raped me several times and he scoffed, “You can’t rape your own wife.”
Well put, even the law (until not that long ago) took the same view.
I’m sure you’ve “gently” pressed a time or two for sex with a partner, maybe if they weren’t feeling quite as frisky as you. What is that fuel like getting them to submit? Let’s say this is post-seduction phase. Obviously it feeds you feeling powerful to take what you want when you want. Does that make it positive or negative? Or does it depend on their reaction to the act itself? Say, positive, if they get in the mood real quick with what you’re doing to them? Negative, if you know they aren’t enjoying it, thus making them in the no good “black” range?
You have answered your own question Clarece.
So depends on their reaction to make the outcome positive or negative for you.
Hope you are safe in your travels and thank you for your response.
#CJ7# forgot to add…writing on mobile can be tricky as I can’t see the whole txt here: I am sorry that You feel that way and nobody should have caused it. ❤ (I’m from Poland originally so pardon my vocabulary or mistakes here I always have good intentions at heart. But I understand You are in Australia? I have visited Perth in 2015 it’s a marvellous country and people down there)
#CJ7# do You know what’s co-dependant or a person with the Stockholm syndrome? Some of us is it… Nobody should be judging anyone… I am not saying that You are, don’t get me wrong. We all here for a reason…. call it whatever You want. We are all somehow disordered here… some more than others…some need a whack in the head to wake up (me lol)…or a button to reset our brains. ..but that has nothing to do with anyone here. Nobody is forced to be here. So if You getting hurt here by someone ignore or leave or respond. Either.way whatever happens I wish You all the best. xxx
Hey all…. I just wanted to try clear some things up please….
Hello all…. I just wanted to try clear some things up please….
I am going to preface this by saying I too, respect you and your opinions Blood and Thunder…. I have learnt much from you.
The comment I made on the “Porn Supremacy” thread was worded poorly…. MY MISTAKE… I AM SORRY!!….I OWN THIS!!!
I would like to point out however, that I do not once say that what HG is doing here is not helpful or life changing or any other words to this effect.
Hell…. I am one of those people that you mention B&T….you are aware of this as I have asked you yourself a number of questions to help aid me to get back up, dust myself off and arm myself with the knowledge that I need to move forward and hopefully be far better equipped should another N enter my life and try draw me in!!! I know only to well that this is a very real possibility!! (Again…. Thank you B&T for taking giving me your time in answering any questions I have put forward to you… I do so very hope that you wont mind if I continue to seek out your insight in the future too as I do value it??).
I am also extremely grateful to HG for this…. and he knows this!!! He knows this because yes… I have expressed my sincerest gratitude on a number of occasions…. I tell him thank you every single time he answers my questions….. as well as him knowing that I am taking word of his blog and books and spreading it. I have shown HG himself proof to this effect….. proof of my attempts to spread the word here Down Under in OZ.
Please do not mistaken my words as a lack of gratitude as this is not the case… I promise u this.
I also am not addressing EVERYBODY who comes through here. I have tremendous respect for these people who have yes… come through at their darkest hour and thankyou to what they have learnt here, have been able to also pick themselves up and dust themselves off and become bigger and stronger than they ever were. Damn straight I respect these people!! As I said…. I know how hard that fight is (as still is!!!). I am, quite honestly, in awe of some of them!!! They could run rings around me with what they have learnt and applied to their situations with their N’s….. as well as how fierce and strong they are now…. They too, inspire me!!
So, just to reinforce this….
BY NO MEANS WHATSOEVER AM I ADDRESSING EVERYBODY THAT IS ON THIS BLOG OR COMES THROUGH!!! “KISS ASS” DOES NOT REFER TO EVERY READER!!! NOT AT ALL!!! NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!! IT ONLY REFERS TO A VERY SMALL MINORITY OF PEOPLE HERE (Those who take praise and expressions of gratitude beyond the norm to where it perhaps comes across as glorifying or worshipping).
I RESPECT THOSE WHO HAVE COME HERE BROKEN LIKE I DID…. AND HAVE PUT THEMSELVES BACK TOGETHER!!!!
I would like to say that I am sincerely sorry for wording my last comment so poorly. I should most certainly have thought about it a little more before posting!!! It was a impulsive Borderline faux pas on my part!!! And my Apologies to all!!!
Cheers,
CJ
Thank you Cj, we all say things when feeling emotional, and passionate in our expressions…that is our curse and cross to bear, we are not void of emotions like the narcs… I was branded an apologist before…but it takes a strong person to apologize and that should be applauded , not maligned.
G, You must be better than Rocco in this sphere, knowing how You can read people, mirror them, tease, discover……😜
Okay, DN fits almost every N mold in one way or another and my but this is one area that I was actually more about the Porn, dirty talk, and wild sexual experiences than he was. He actually was extremely paranoid at strip clubs and strippers. He left his brothers bachelor party and came home bc there was a stripper (talked about them like they were filth), hated watching porn with me (said we didn’t need it). He was also very passionate, affectionate, and wanting to please in the bedroom. I do remember a few times him being rough but I actually liked it (maybe giving TMI). We had a great sex life. My only complaint was that even though we had sex at least 3 to 4 times a week it never seemed like enough for him and he did give me a hard time about it which I could not believe because compared to our friends, that was A LOT! In fact he often times bragged about how often and how amazing our sex was. I honestly can say that I had an affair for the emotional aspect of it, not the sexual one.
Do you think that his behaviour was just an act to make him appear virtuous to you to some degree?
That is what I am still trying to figure out. Bc the dynamic of our relationship was that I was the adulterer first, I do often times wonder what he covered up to look more Saintlike. I would joke and sometimes when we would fight I would call him by nickname “Saint****(insert his name). I guess I just feel like I am a very observant person and WONDER and question a lot. And even though I missed the narc card for 20 years I have looked back on so many things from our past and really can’t find signs or mysterious things that don’t add up or show me that he had a porn addiction or was sleeping with other people. I mean he is a good manipulator but he really isn’t that good at lying and covering things up…or maybe he is so good that I just never saw it. Aaaaahhhhhhh…this hurts my brain but I LOVE a good mystery! Either way, the sex was always good…but since the split I have had much better!
As with anything in life, there will be exceptions. Accordingly, one may have a relationship with a narcissist who has no interest in porn. An interest in porn is not determinative in itself but is an indicator. One needs to look for these various indicators and once there is a group of them then a determination can be made. The fact is that if anybody was ever to poll every narcissist on the planet, there would be far more who utilise porn than do not. This trait is a dominant one in narcissists but not universal.
This is such delicious entertainment with such wonderful women snd their awesome comments. How does it feel HG being in between? Popcorn beside me.
I believe that children are the future.
Is that the right thing to say?
Uh huh, yup. Teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside. Yup. I get your drill, we’re on the same page HG.
Whitney? I never liked this song to much. >
Holy cow, is HG listening to Whitney? Or is he creating a playlist? >
This is why I need you down here to teach and educate. Oh, then it would be my place not yours.
I know right?! Almost getting to know some biblically with their comments whether I was prepared to know or not. Lol
I just like watching.
I agree with you Steevian and I agree with you as well mlaclarece. Are you both emphats?
I am for about five minutes. I actually do not care for people too much. I prefer animals. My experience with a narc lasted a very short period. I fought back and could not be isolated. He said he would bring a bat to do battle and I brought a cannon. >
Haha, very good.
I have those qualities, so yes.
Ha, I hear you mlaclarece. So, you have emphat traits as stated?
Emphat or Empath? I am empathetic and very sensitive. I would not use the label Empath for me. I think I fall more under having co-dependancy issues. Emphatically speaking though, I am pretty direct. Not afraid of a confrontation. I try to be articulate and assertive for myself (in a healthy way).
I would concur with that assessment.
Yes, both. Thank you for sharing.
I am laughing here! This is so much fun!
Steveeian, I sense a kindred spirit in you; I am resuming my lifelong wanderlust because I truly believe that geography is the cure for what ails me. I am in USA also, but feel some major sojourns coming on…
Would love to chat ……Lisa
You do make me chuckle HG.
I’m pleased I do.
I don’t like too many competing flavors HG. Let’s just put it this way: I enjoy the consistent, smooth and clean taste of vanilla but I never eat it without complementary toppings which vary widely depending on my craving. Some days that means a healthy serving of mixed berries and other days call for the richest, succulent and decadadent of chocolate, nuts and cheesecake bites. Whipped cream. No cherries. Cherries have artificial coloring. My palette is allergic to anything artificial. Nowawadays.
Very good! I’m hungry now.
its a good aperitif
Thank you Nikita.
purrfect!
Thank you HG, in the works. I like this subject. I may already know but do you watch a lot of porn?
At present? No. I have in the past. I use it as an aperitif at present.
Nice HG. I must admit, I do the same.
Your place or mine?
Yours. I will be in submission this time.
Noted.
Oh HG you give new meaning to cocktails/tales….will the next article be entitled, Porn Again, The Second Cuming ?
Hahahaha I like that title PM.. gave me a laugh when i read it!!
Not too naughty
Do you need it to get interested in a session? I find that Porn is very good for taking the boredom out, but I do not need it when I am first engaging with someone as it is shiny and new toy. The taste and sounds and scents are all foreign so that becomes my aperitif.
No I do not, I use it as a supplement and a gauge.
Gauge for what? My narc did not seem to be so advanced in this arena.
What you will like, dislike, how far you might go.
Just ask. That is all a man has to do. ASK
I do know how many can’t talk about, sex, oooh shhh. How dare we talk out loud about such things.
When I was with the N and navigating that toxic relationship at my lowest and base primal setting, I discovered pornography and found myself watching it alone and often. I also was in the throes of other addictions and pornography fit right in. The shame and isolation I experienced was unimaginable. Specific to porn was a horrific disconnect to myself and the true nature of my sexuality. Not uncommon for sex abuse survivors. Narcissists just pick up where others have left off. The emptiness after watching porn became unbearable. Today, I’m whole again in every sense of the word. The prettiest roses often bloom on the thorniest stems.
Very, very brave of you to share that. So happy you are far removed from those feelings now and in a much better place.
Bethany so happy for you!! way to go. all the best 💝💝
Those red flags will come in handy for cleaning up the mess afterwards. It`s no fun if it isn`t messy.
I don`t like Vanilla, but I do like Flakes. For a number of reasons.
🍻 Cheers to the both of you!! Question though! Which one will be taking the Emmy statue home?? Lol
It wouldn`t be wise to allow me to hold on to such a heavy potential projectile.
Really? I’d have let you have it. I would be all about the Swag Bag of free gifts the attendees all get!
Ok – you can have the Swag Bag and I`ll take the trophy.
I will use it to bash anyone who tries to get in between you and your bag of goodies.
Deal!?
Pinkie swear!!
HG, I think you could have a lethal duo on your hands!!
Mind you I have never had anyone baulk at watching porn with me. (I guess the restraints and gag have that effect though) Well You haven’t met me…I wouldn’t need restraints lol!
Jolly good.
Wow can’t wait!!!! When baby? I’ll call you for sex talk tonight 😉 😛
Wow… most I knew from Your book Sex with a Narcissist but read this again and realised that You haven’t mention sex over the phone 😉 is there a reason?
Part Two.
Did You mean: there will be part two of that post. Or…?
A follow-up to Sex and the Narcissist.
I must admit…. I am with you on this one 1jaded1…. I think its all just too funny!!… I have always found it funny as well!! Its like I big ridiculous comedy!!
What I personally took from this as I read it….. Narc are delusional!!! You think the people on the screen are preforming at your command. Their moans, groans, screams of pure ecstasy, oh and yes of course, lets not forget the orders laid down in domination… apparently they are all for you and your benefit!! Yes… The millions of porn clips available to us online these days…. They were ALL filmed for you and you alone!! Case and point…. The nest 3 copied lines from your blog post….
“Our grandiosity and sense of omnipotence means that these objects are performing for our benefit. We sit before glowing screen akin to a director as these objects interact at our say so”
“We also regard the reaction of those in the videos, their orgasmic screams of delight, their groans of pleasure, even the harsh words issued by a dominatrix to be directed as emotional reactions to us and thus fuel is gained and we receive validation by these people recognising us. We become a participant in the porn”
“On tap. We require repeated validation and recognition of our importance and what better way than to receive it from a medium which is always there, always deliver and does so in spades? It does not feel tired; it does not have a period nor does it have a headache. It does not baulk at a certain demand or resist a depraved act. It performs when want it to and it provides us with what we need. This is how our appliances should operate and how we expect them to operate”
I think that proves my point fairly well!!…. Delusional indeed!! Its really quite sad that how N’s are living in this world that they seem to think is a construct created entirely around them, for them!! No wonder you are constantly being “let down” or having yet another person “disappoint” you by not doing exactly what you wanted them to do!! I hope all the N’s out there realise they are going to live a long and sad life filled with constant disappointment because ahhh…. Sorry to rain on your parade or burst your bubble… or whatever!!…. But ahhh… The world does NOT revolve around you!!
I mean… If there was ever a blog post that I have read here so far, that screams mental disorder……. THIS WAS IT!!! lmfao!! This paints a very vivid picture of people who clearly need to see a shrink and perhaps also start taking a few happy pills??! I have a number for a very good shrink if you happen to need one??? Lmfao
Cheers for yet more insight into narcs…. and it reminds me… I need to get into reading sex and the narc sometime in the near future….. in the middle of another book at present that I really would like to finish first lmfao!!!
No pills here and where’s the famed empathy by the way?
Hahaha. Empathy is not here right now…. please leave a message, and I’ll pass it on to empathy as soon as i can??!! Lmfao
Typical. I shall just have to leave a threatening voicemail instead.
In that case…. voicemail is full….. please try again later!! Lmfao
Note around a brick will have to do. Of course nobody saw me throw it.
Amen CJ, the need they have to direct every aspect of everyone’s life, as they essentially feel a losing grip On their own, In the potential of being exposed as a fraud and in their need to contain the “creature “. Porn is their escape from reality, as they prefer to reside in the land of illusion and fakery. Where they are always their own right hand man, or left…depending….
right hand or left hand for what J?
Onanism, Nikita.
very decent word HG 😃😃😃 I like it … i mean the word
I know what you mean Nikita.
good 😃😃
I was trying to be somewhat subtle on masturbation and porn…MCN was right handed….so he used his right hand…et cetera…
HG went an even more subtle route, Great word.
#CJ7# Laughing at a disorder of the mind on any level is wrong, no matter how you look at it. I am sure that you feel that a Narc deserves all the mental anguish they feel. But it is a disorder. Would you laugh at a mentally retarded person? One with schizophrenia or depression? These, and many more, including NPD are disorders of the mind/brain. As my gay hair dresser said to me one day, “do you think I woke up one day and decided to be something that society hates?” So do you think Narcs wake up and say “I am going to go out there and destroy!” No, I think not. They can’t stop, but only manage. As I said, we hate them, but we must also understand them. They just can’t help it. We wish they could. >
Hi Steeviann
I think there has been a communication error….. the lmfao’s etc in my writting are not indicative of my laughing at a narc…. not at all.
If you have read any other comment that I have ever left…. you will noticed this is quite simple the way that I write!!
Furthermore… i had made it blindingly clear on this blog that i am a Borderline. I know only all to well what it’s like to have absolutely no control over what I do… i also know what it’s like to have people crucify me for my behaviour and actions!!! Have people judge me and ridicule me for things i cannot control.
I also have spent near on 15 years work with people with disabilities… speaking in some of the most chalking behaviour client in my state. I do not ever laugh at them in the way you are suggesting.
None of what I have said is meant to be a laugh in the face of a narc. However… i am also found g to say what I think and not prescribe to what the majority of people on here do…. and that is a*s kiss our illustrious leader. There is a diffeence between genuine thanks and praise for a well written piece… i can acknowledge that too!!!
However there are ways to many of you who go waaaaay to far into the land of a*s kissing as far as i am concerned.
Consider the fact that your all sucking up to and hero worshipping a man who is not only just like all the ex-N’s narcs in your lives…. he admits to actually being worse!!! He would likely put your ex narcs to shame in the way of damage he could and WOULD influctuations upon your soul!!! He has also admitted to the fact that he does not write this of he own free will…. it is something he must do.
But that’s okay…. you guys keep feeding him all your yummy suck-up fuel!!!
Sure… my “negative”, empathy free response will also provide fuel!!…. but i have no issues with dropping and walking away from this blog. You guys on the other hand can’t seem to pull away from this stuff….. which is also not healthy ultimately in the way of moving on from your ex narcs!!!
But yes…. to reiterate my point…. that is the way that I write. It was not me laughing at his disorder!!! The first paragraph where I state that I am laughing…. i mean that in regards to porn. I find porn only to funny!! No narcs
Cheers.
Hi again,
I am sucking up to no one. Porn can be funny. Everyone of us are disordered. I like your post and I do read them.
Ok then…. well communication errors there then.
Thank you Steeviann… i appriciate you taking the time to clear it up. Truly i do.
Thank you again
OXOX CJ7 >
I didn’t Read it as that Steviann, as CJ has BPD, as you too have read On here. and would never malign anothers condition, she had a long term relationship with a narcissist that she has successfully maintained no contact with on the first go. I am sure CJ can explain what she meant though. I read reply and didn’t take it the way you did at all. I do find sometimes it is difficult when reading anothers words, to know their intention. So, yes,it is good to ask to determine reasoning.
I do however. Need to correct you On the usage of mentally retarded, as that is an unacceptable term to use nowadays, it is developmentally delayed…I am forever directing adults and children on not to call others crazy or retarded….,terms I myself , find highly offensive. Not only are they derogatory terms they are also diagnosis of illness incorrect. I am only pointing it out, In case you were unaware.
Politically correct? A rose is a still a rose by any other name. And if you put lipstick on a pig, it is still a pig. And CJ7 and I are tight. We are good. So thank you for the concern I was giving her a beat down. I wasn’t. I am very aware, I have a son who is a very functioning adult but has a learning disability. Yes, I am very aware. I am always aware that perhaps we have gone so soft and become so sensitive that the podium has swung to far to the other side. I grew up with two children in my area that were as you say developmentally delayed. NO NO they were retarded, never to be able to function without assistance.. There was no delay in their development. There was no development. So soft shoe with the words all you want. So to use this word is more of an insult to the inflicted with this birth defect then not. IMHO. I never thought Mentally Retarded was a bad word. I will use it until my last breath………sorry not playing the PC game. But I loves ya anyway. OXOX so did we kiss and makeup? OXOXXXXX >
No problem steviann, I was just checking to see if you were you unaware and now I know.
Sometimes, I forgot which countries people come from and how people have different opinions and values then from where I am from. I come from a politically correct country. As well, based on my field of employment, I speak In those terms. Carry on. The sow comment made me laugh btw..
Where are you located? I am obviously USA. You know how we can be. Although in Sweden, I was asked if all Americans were like me. I said no. I was well received and made many friends that still reach out to me. I love it there and will return next summer to have an extended stay. I will be at the Grand Stockholm if you care to visit.
I would love to spend time in Sweden. I am not American. Do you travel a lot Steeviann?
Poetic-Me
I have a bucket list of places I want to go. I have traveled in the past with my husband out of the country and I lived between Hawaii, Colorado and Las Vegas for a number of years and felt satisfied, Divorced in 2011, sold Maui right away, sold my ski resort townhouse two years ago, so now I am traveling again. Last summer East Africa. This summer Sweden twice, Next year Machu Picchu and Galapagos Island and Sweden for an extensive stay. I also travel with in the states. I travel alone at this point. I took my son to Africa I am looking for a travel partner.
( I have a trip to Colorado and Phoenix on the books in the next month)
This is how I ended up with the Narc. He said he wanted to travel and go to Africa) It has been 2 weeks since last contact, we were texting, I am not feeling to much of anything anymore other then I look forward to my return trip to Sweden next year.
How about yourself? Where are you from? >
Wow, you most definitely are a traveller, I only travel with my daughter yearly to Scotland and England, will be going to Australia in two years and the States next month. I hope to visit Hawaii and Switzerland as my next two destinations..I have Swiss ancestry.
I work and take care of my daughter and my dad, since my mums death several years ago. So, much of my time is related to family.
Good riddance to that Narc, I hope you find a worthy and genuine travel partner. It is fantastic that you enjoy life and travel solo. Being independent is what we all should strive for.
I don’t disclose my location in here, as it is a public blog.
My daughters father was born inSouth Africa raised in the Uk. He hopes to take her to Africa one day, her grandfather was back six years ago. It is an experience I hope she is able to have.
Let me know if you come to beautiful, gourgeous, amazing Switzerland ❤️❤️
I really want to..my great grandmother and grandfather were from Switzerland on my mothers side. I will go one day, hopefully In next five years. Thank,you Nikita…will let you know. Just thinking of being there brings me sense of calm and peace.
yes its only peaceful here 😃😃😃
Yes, from all the photos I have seen, it truly is.
I would like to state that what HG is doing here is tremendous. Do you know he is the only one doing anything even REMOTELY like this at all? PERIOD? This is revolutionary and you can trust I am not the only person who thinks so!!!
The people here are grateful to him because thanks to him, they have seen the light and will (hopefully) be better equipped to deal with the next Narc who comes along.
What I see here mostly, is pure and simple gratitude from the numerous people HG has helped, is helping and will help in the future.
Do you know how gracious and courageous it is of him to do this? How much of himself he is actually giving to everyone here in order to help them and guide through what for many, has proved to be their darkest hour?
I can respect your opinion CJ, but I find it offensive that you would insult the people who are getting stronger and moving forward with their lives because of HG`s blog and books. These so-called “ass-kissers” have picked themselves back up, dusted themselves off and armed themselves with the strength to move forward in their lives thanks to this man.
Most of what I see here is genuine respect and gratitude for a man who is sharing his invaluable insight and unique perspective in an effort to help others. It doesn’t matter what his motivations or reasons are, only that he’s doing it. And you better believe, the impact he is having is far greater and farther reaching than you can imagine!
I’d actually meet up with you for a happy hour to toast you on that one. Cheers!!
Clarece, it would be an honour to clink glasses with you!
Look at us – we`ve come from you comparing me to an buzzing insect you`d like to swat, to meeting up for happy hour.
In a Lifetime movie, we’d now become inseparable best friends…lol
Then along came a spider…..
I hate spiders…Stop! Lolll
Clarece – yes. And the one of us would come down with a rare deadly illness, and it would bring us even closer together. And the other would find the cure to said rare deadly illness, thus cementing the unbreakable bond and proving that yes, polar opposites do attract.
And then there would be some stuff about cheating spouses, with a side of existential crisis thrown in for good measure.
And it would go on to be the first Lifetime movie to go on and win an Emmy!
I like the way you think!
YES!! Well said. Mental!! To think the world revolves around them, i just can’t understand!! Reality check!!! To the man i married, pills nor a shrink would have helped, but maybe a noose would have done the trick!!
Lmfao!!! Yes well…. sometimes the noose is a far more…. reliable?!! Permanent?!! “Narc freeing” option for us lmfao!!!!
Wow now all this is coming back to me… How he would take me from behind while watching porn… And I allowed it. So much insight on this. Although gone I am still recovering.
What would you have done if I burst out in laughter whilst watching your porn collection? It will happen if it happens but it won’t.
Assign you to the Asylum of Correction. You wouldn’t laugh again. Ever.
Sinister. I would still laugh. I’m petulant that way.
I would so do you over the phone.
Is that my ‘phone ringing already?
N2 loved his porn. Porn has always made me laugh. It is so fake and ridiculous. “Hello, my name is Candy Striper and l will give you a sponge bath. Oopsie, my hand slipped” *eyeroll* I tried to tell N2 that it wasn’t for me, but per usual, he knew what I liked better than I did. So we watched and I was making fun and laughing til I cried. Strangely enough we didn’t watch much together. I’m sure be watched it when I wasn’t there.
Thanks for the info. Things make better sense now.
whip
my bad typo, it is hard with one hand sometimes.
Are you bi-sexual H G? Do you dare to answer?
I think the N I let in my bed has been there. The red flags just wipe a bit harder when this came to mind. I asked but he denied.
No.
This is good to know.
What fetishes? Do you dare? Oh do tell. I need a good fantasy tonight.
It is a broad church.
Take me to church. This is the only church I will attend. I doubt it will catch fire when I walk through the doors like the ones that preach the gospel.
Read The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy. Or the Story of O.
I am without words with this post.
Except I don’t like it my face but all over my body is quite nice. Or just swallow. 😉
Hahaha LOL I like this conversation !!!
Me toooo!
Vanilla sex is available to everyone…which is part of why I don’t want it. I enjoy being different.
Fancy some mint-choc chip with blackcurrant cheesecake, raspberry sauce and a Flake, Cara?
Exactly that
One scoop or two?
Two, with nuts
I see what you did there.
What is a Flake?
A piece of chocolate which is about three inches long, half inch wide, it breaks in flakes and is often inserted in an ice cream which is then known as a 99.
Bethany, Google 99 ice cream!
Ha-Jolly Good! Sounds perfect to go with my favorite ice cream-vanilla.
Now I had you down more as neopolitan kind of gal Bethany!
You are a freakin trip!!
I once had a guy in a bar ask me what my stance was on the proliferation of porn in the northern hemisphere. I was like what? He said you know, do you think the number of porn sights viewed are increased because there are more hours of darkness? I walked away. Wait, that coulda been HG?
Couldn’t have been me. I know there would be seasonal variations based on the earth’s tilt.
Great article! It’s the one I’ve been waiting for!
Where do Fetishes fit in, HG?
In #9, I see “uniqueness.” Yet, my N had soooo many fetishes, it was unbelievable. He said he’d try anything once and I’m sure he has. Fetishes were an obsession for him. And he loved porn more than anyone I ever met. I’ve never met another man before like that. Were the numerous fetishes an early clue/tell of his Narcissism?
From women wearing specific clothing – including silk stocking/high heels fetishes/costumes/uniforms … to different parts of the body fetishes – he had them all.
Thanks Hope. Have you read Sex and the Narcissist? If not, I suggest you do as there is plenty in there you will find of interest, including fetishes.
A favoured narcissistic response to such things is ” I don’t usually blow men/wear gimp suits/get rogered with a strap on/do water sports etc but hey, whatever it takes to keep the party going yeah?”
The fetishes are an indicator but not determinative inthemselves.
I tried to read “Sex and The Narcissist” awhile back, but, the eroticism was way too hot and steamy for sweet little me to handle! 😉 Talk about an erotic book!!
Oh you know just what to say. You get me.
How do you know all this if you have not explored all these dark little alleys yourself? Did you do a Narc/Porn survey?
My sons watched more porn when they hit puberty then I would care to know. How do I know this? They would tell on each other.
Fetishes, porn of all sorts. etc. seems like words from a well-versed man.
Not wanting to poke the bear, just curious.
How do feel about phone sex HG?
What’s your number?
1-800-777-777
Are you being a scamp Nikita?
always HG 😂😂
You tinker, you! I rang that number and guess what, my land line rang. How did you know?
I know all about my victims beforehand HG 😈😈
This has got to be the funniest thing you’ve ever said on here!!😂
Porn was used as a tool to mimic women my CN meet or knew…to get a glimpse into them sexually. He sought out porn that looked like them or the situation he was in with them. Kinda like, oh you’re by the water cooler with me? Better see if I can find porn with someone who looks like you by a water cooler. Imagination and porn led him to have sex with virtually every woman he met….in his mind only.
Omg! Your comment reminded me of an office I worked in with 4 middle aged salesmen when I was in my late 20’s. We were all married so I had big brother / little sis friendships with all of them. One day the lunch topic turned into 3 of the guys explaining to the born-again Christian boss that when a man meets a woman for the first time – no matter the circumstance or who she is (future sis-in-law, co-worker, whatever), they always picture them naked.
Versatile AND fun!
My middle names B&T
agree!! not all though.. not the one Clarence described 😖😖😖 but some porn is okay
Porn is a layered tool, thank you HG, reading this makes me feel a lot better about myself when I reflect all that I experienced, Porn was repeatedly used to extract fuel, to control and manipulate me, and devalue me.
Indeed it is CC and you are welcome.
wow very good information. did not know there was so much behind porn ….
It is a subject that one can write extensively about.
agree totally
Do you also feel the shame (not being able to reciprocate intimacy) during seduction but just hide it? Or, how do hide your fury at that stage, when you’re trying to impress between the sheets, but you really hate the closeness and touching?
It is easily subsumed through the idealisation that engulfs us as we feel the fuel and power of seduction. If that would just keep going then we could continue with subsuming the shame and feign the intimacy longer.
Oh my gosh, i just can’t believe this. This totally explains why i never felt any “connection” with the man i married, none, like none, that just seems inhumane, my mind is truly blown. I tried to figure it out the whole time and couldnt put my finger on it. Dang. Glad it wasnt me, lol. Ok, so not funny, but he broke me into so many pieces, and now God is healing me and restoring me and im at a place i can laugh from time to time at the insanity of this. Unbelievable!!
Isn’t it straight forward as to why? Lol Much of MCN sexual dialogue sounded like he stored porn movies like a catalogue In his memory. It was actually a huge sexual TURN OFF!! Porn is for those with no sexual imagination. The narcissist uses it for their preferred method of sexual gratification, masterbation. Especially those with a high sex drive and limited desire to perform or satisfy their partners. If partners enjoy watching porn together then that is different, as a shared and mutual activity. Often this is not the case, the N does it In Secret and private to sexually shut out or humiliate his partner.
What’s wrong with, “I’ve come to fix the boiler, my it’s hot in here, shall we take off all our clothes?”
Where do I even start…ha ha…I would rather make my own with my partner then watch someone else’s..the dialogue is wrong, I bet if you wrote the script HG, then my opinion would change….btw in your scenario, will he actually fix the furnace too?
Do you know I don’t think I have ever seen the said appliance get fixed which is awfully remiss of the repair man. Sometimes I wonder if he wasn’t really a repair man, but who would do that? Imagine pretending to be something you are not.
Must all be Narcissists, leave appliances in state of ill repair, whilst only Servicing their own needs. Plus the cinematography is appalling lol…I couldn’t imagine pretending to be something I am not, ever!!! I am only ever real, some people, just can’t handle real. They can only manage fake.
Haha – back when they would at least attempt cheesy dialogue to appease a female audience. Nowadays it’s 2 girls to 1 guy and one always ends up with a “facial”. Not the good kind from a spa either. Newsflash, no woman desires that. Porn completely appeals toward a male’s biological make-up by splattering with visual overload, again and again.
I am always entertained when I see the “For women” section on a porn site, er I mean, when my inner circle friend tells me about it on a porn site. Mind you I have never had anyone baulk at watching porn with me. (I guess the restraints and gag have that effect though)
… crickets chirping on Clarece’s end…
hahahaha you know by heart HG … hmmmm
HG, after reading this it looks like my ex was a mid range somatic! Is this possible? Xxx
Entirely so.
Wow !! I had no idea porn how so many uses ??
I see crying porn did not get a mention HG.
It’s a crying shame Alexis.