Love Letter

 

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“Dear Victim,

I have not addressed you by name because your name does not matter to me. In fact, I am struggling to recall it as after all we have only been together for a week but notwithstanding this I wanted to write this letter for you because for once, perhaps the first and only time in my life I wanted to be honest with you and tell you the truth. Your name does not matter because I do not see you as a person. I see you as an appliance but I know you must be the best appliance. How do I know that? Simple. I chose you. You see, although I have given you the impression that I have met you by chance in a wine bar a week ago (is it only a week, it feels like we have known one another a lifetime) I picked you out. I look out for ladies like you. I know that there is a hospital nearby and many of the staff drink in that particular bar. I use it for many of my victims but I don’t want to talk about them because I only now want to focus on you. I saw you with your friends and saw how you made people laugh and how people often turned to you when you were speaking. I saw your membership card when you opened your purse at the bar so I knew from that you did indeed work at the hospital. In fact, I watched you three times before I came over to speak to you. That was to make sure you were my kind of victim and guess what? Good news. You tick so many boxes and that is very exciting. I am not interested in you as a person. I only want to know what you can do for me. I am of course going to pretend I am interested in you and I spent some time finding your social media footprint and having a good look through. Have you had any friend requests lately from someone you were not sure you knew? You have because that was me. Thanks for letting me in and allowing me to look around your page. Great photographs and you gave me so much material to work with. You have been a busy bee telling the world about all the places you go to. I didn’t like that man who kept appearing in your pictures though. I will be trying to find out who he is. Hopefully it is your brother or a cousin otherwise I will need to have him isolated. He seems far too friendly and may get in the way of what I want to do. So, I knew you long before you knew me, but you soon felt like you knew me. That’s what I do. I trot out so many marvellous and flattering lines They are just devices to make you think that we have some special connection. I know you are into all of that. I heard one of your conversations with your friends as I stood nearby as you explained all about the need for connections with those you fall in love with, your belief in astrology oh and spiritualism. I have already organised two tickets for the clairvoyant who is in town in three weeks. I will tell you about that later, although maybe you already know this given your “special powers”? I will tell you this, they are not as special as mine because I already know lots about you. You think you know plenty about me but over half of what I told you was made-up and the balance was embellished and exaggerated. I am great but not as great as I want the world to know me as, so I tell some lies. Okay, I tell a lot of lies but I have to. That is the way I am. You won’t mind though because they are lovely lies. Pleasant lies. Lies that make you smile and grin, that make your head spin and your heart beat faster. That’s good isn’t it? There is nothing wrong with making you feel good because that is what you need to do for me. I am going to seduce you, you see, in order to have you fall in love with me. You will really enjoy it. I promise you that. You will be swept off your feet and you will end up loving me like never before and you will never again. At least, that is what I hope. I truly hope you will be the one that can fill up this void inside me with your perfect love. That is why I chose you. If you can do that I will always be good to you. It is a transaction. If you let me down, well, hey, let’s not be pessimistic about things, we don’t need to go there. Yet. There is plenty of fun to have first. How long? Oh that is up to you. I will do my part. I will put you on a pedestal and make you into a queen and I honestly do mean it because I want you to love me, adore me and admire me. I want you to praise me and raise me up to recognise I am your king, a prince amongst men. I need all of that. You must understand that for some reason which has never been explained to me by anybody I have this nagging sensation of emptiness inside of me but I have learned that if you show massive amounts of positive emotions towards me I feel so much better. I will be good to you, so you will be good to me, so I will be good you and round and round we will go. I have lots to show you. I have lots of friends. I am a popular fellow. I charmed them all and if they knew what I was really like they would run a mile, but they do not know, so we need not concern ourselves about that need we? I know you won’t say anything to them and to be frank, even if you did, they have had so long a period exposed to my charm and magnetism they would not believe you. You may find out about that down the line. Sorry, there I go again, being the doom-monger. Let’s hope we don’t have to go there. This is the best part. It is all sunshine, love and romance. I will amaze you. Yes, I will. I will probably want to move in with you in about three months’ time because then we can have an even more amazing time together and also I can use all your resources without paying for them. Come on, it is only fair. I am going to give you everything so I will also take everything also. That is how I operate. What I give you isn’t real but that doesn’t matter because you will think it is and that is all that counts. Hey, if it looks the same and feels the same, why complain right? I will buy you many wonderful things. I will say a lot to you and I will do it all day and through the night too. I am an expert at finding different ways to compliment you but then I have had a lot of practice. Just accept it though, it is better that way, after all, those others were just a trial run for you, because you are the real thing. Look at me, I just cannot help it. That is one of those standard lines right there. Anyway, you might want to spend the next couple of days with family and friends because I will steadily isolate you from them. Oh they are nice enough I realise but I need you to be subsumed in my world and there is no room for them, especially your sister who I think may be a trouble maker. Either that or she’s next if things don’t work out with you. What am I writing, of course they will, we are soul mates, whoops there I go again. I do it so often it is second nature to me, no wonder I end up believing my own lies at times. Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that you are going to now have the most amazing, scintillating, glorious and breath-taking time which will be beyond anything that you have ever experienced before. I will charm, delight, mesmerise and amaze you. Hang on for dear life as we are going to soaring up very, very high indeed. We are heaven bound. I do want you to be the one. I really do mean that. Please don’t let me down. I don’t think you will. I think I have it right this time. I have studied you well and you are a perfect match for me. So enjoy these words, understand them because once you have they will vanish, but I won’t. I will be with you forever and that is very much the truth.

With love for your fountaining fuel but not you as a person,

With falsity, fraud and fakery

  1. Arc

Xxx”

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Minions of Darkness

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We never act alone. All through your entanglement with us we will utilise the services and dedication of those who are loyal to us. Before we have even spoken to you we will be compiling a dossier of information about you by contacting those who know you. We will utilise our lieutenants to approach you and gather intelligence which will all be passed back to us for the purpose of analysis and subsequent application. Once our seduction of you has begun you will be taken in by my butterflies. The butterflies are those who do my bidding and they always do, who always appear and please you. Like a beautiful butterfly he or she will flutter around you, making you smile with his or her pleasantries, charm and general goodness. Like a butterfly with striking colours and that delicate movement they have been sent to enchant you on my behalf and alongside my own endeavours. My butterflies will only ever say pleasant things to you, repeating and consolidating the charming words which I have sent your way. They will flutter around you complimenting the things that you dp, how you look and who you are. They will remark what a wonderful couple we are together and how they can see it lasting forever. Primed with all the speeches, sentences and rhetoric that we use, these butterflies will remind you of all our magnificent attributes and thus reinforce how fortunate you are to be with someone like us. They will point out how happy you are and confirm that you make us happy too, far happier than that other harpy that came before you. You must watch out for her by the way, she is a trouble maker and will want to split you and us up. These butterflies will primarily be friends of ours but over time we will want to recruit your own friends and family to be our butterflies as well. Not only is such a recruitment a massive boost to our egos, it also means that there will be added credibility when they fly around you issuing their compliments about us both. When you are told time and time again how wonderful you are, how sensational we are and how magnificent we are together, any doubts that you may have had, any degree of modesty about such over compliments will soon melt away as the array of fluttering butterflies transfixes you.

Real butterflies only live for somewhere between one and five weeks and like their real-life counterparts my butterflies have a limited shelf life as well. This of course is down to you because as usual you always end up spoiling everything. If you maintained my interest and ensured that the high-grade, positive fuel you have supplied for the last year or so was maintained then my butterflies would have continued but your fuel diminishes, it turns stale and is not at the required level we demand. Accordingly, the selfishness you exhibit in behaving in this manner causes those beautiful and mesmerising butterflies to fade away. Your lack of loyalty and treachery means that these beautiful creatures become replaced by my crows.

Noisy, dark and petulant my crows will descend on you as I commence my devaluation of you. Remember you have brought this on yourself so you cannot expect any sympathy from my dark minions who have been recruited, brainwashed and controlled in order to further my own malevolent ambitions. My crows act at my command as they, like you, relish any opportunity to gain my favour and attention. Like some medieval king I will grant them access to me and allowing the crow to bask in my radiant brilliance secures their loyalty. Like the butterflies my crows come from my ranks of friends and family but once again I shall seek to corrupt those from your support networks so that they might first appear as a butterfly before transforming into a squawking and mocking crow. It is even the case that some of my cast-offs, desperate to remain around me and be subjected to my wonderful largesse are recruited as my minions. Thinking that they will win my favour and more importantly keep you from it, they readily agree to carry out my will. Some of my minions do not realise that they have been manipulated into doing what I want. Instead they carry out my instructions in an oblivious fashion. Others are well aware that they act as my agents of destruction but they revel in this role. Their loyalty is without question. I have flattered and charmed them as I did with you. They recognise you as the enemy who has sort to usurp their king and therefore you must be destroyed. No wonder the collective noun for  crows is a murder.

My crows are unleashed to perpetuate the devaluation against you. My dark minions come forth in order to do my bidding. The crows flap around you, their dark wings making it difficult for you to see clearly. Their incessant squawking fills your ears as they scold you for your treason. My crows move quickly, announcing to your support network the terrible way you have behaved and before they can be struck down they fly away to flap around you once more, their cacophony of insults swirling about you. This near constant noise of insult and vitriol has all been fed to them by me. Like dark messengers they repeatedly assail you with their name calling and lies, making you anxious as you are under sustained attack. You try and swipe them to one side but they merely dodge your attempts and continue to mock you. As you grow weaker from these repeated assaults they fly closer and then begin to peck at you. Just as we control you through our notorious salami-slicing techniques this pecking from my crows steadily erodes your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-worth and your identity. The crows land on your shoulder and with vicious beaks peck away something more of you as you try to fight them off but the weakness that has gripped you makes this difficult. More crows come, ordered by me to continue this campaign against you. The deployment of my dark minions saves me energy and allows me to create my butterflies for my new target whilst you lie there curled up in a ball, the dark crows hopping over you, twisted beaks pecking at you, weakening you further. Those in my coterie, my lieutenants, my agents of darkness provide a fundamental role in both my seduction and devaluation of you. I cannot succeed without them and will always ensure that I have both a box of butterflies to open for you and a tree full of black crows waiting to attack you. Perhaps you need to find a scarecrow?

 

Exposed Part 2 – 5 Early Warnings

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Here are five further opportunities to flush out whether the person you are interacting with is potentially one of our kind.

 

  1. Ask which parent we liked the best

The Lesser will launch into an uncontrolled tirade about the one he hates because that is the one that has made his life a misery since childhood. He despises that person and will relish the opportunity to share his vitriol with you.

The Mid-Range will not opt for fury but rather will speak in melancholic terms for the purposes drawing some kind of sympathy about how he misses a particular parent (one will be preferred over the other and this will be the one who he wanted to love him but did not) and he will describe how he does so much for this parent but is underappreciated. He will not actually choose one parent over the other but instead he will use the question as an opportunity to convey his woes.

The Greater will tell you that his parents died in a car crash, or left the country, or that he was abandoned as child purely for the purposes of gathering fuel from you and making him appear to be a troubled soul, whilst every time you look in the other direction he will be smirking. When you eventually meet his parents he will use your bewilderment at their appearance to make a joke and display how he loves his parents immensely. This is all show. He actually wishes they were dead.

The Normal will not pick one over the other usually, but if he does, this will be done after emphasising the good points of both parents so that one only just shades it.

  1. Ask what our favourite toy was during childhood

The Lesser will recount a tale about how his favourite toy was broken by a parent, a sibling or stolen by a supposed friend. The rant he will engage in will seem like this toy was hugely expensive and that the event happened yesterday.

The Mid-Range will most likely point to a board game and remark about how he won every game that he ever played and may even admit to cheating at the game. He will answer this question quickly, as if it is something that is often at the forefront of his mind.

The Greater will dismiss having played with toys and will explain how he was too busy studying, playing sport or chasing girls. Indeed, there is every chance that he will explain he was doing all three. He does not want too many reminders of childhood because the memories remain painful and all too clear, not that he will admit that to you. He will instead ask you about your favourite toy.

The Normal will smile and identify something which will be straight-forward and simple but he will speak about it with fond enthusiasm.

 

  1. Ask when did we last cry

The Lesser will relate it to some personal slight that he has suffered. It will not be because he was upset about someone else, but rather that he was upset for himself. He will not be able to provide a precise time.

The Mid-Range will profess it was as a consequence of a sad film or on seeing some campaign to help blind gay whales find their parents. He wants you to think he cares and is compassionate so will align his supposed crying with such an event. The reality is he cried when he thought his last supply was leaving because he felt bad for himself and he knew that turning on the water works is a sure fire way of stopping the departure and garnering sympathy.

The Greater will say that he does not cry. He will be proud of that fact and not wish to mask it. He will then ask you what makes you cry and make a careful note of what your answers are.

The Normal will explain it was when his grandmother passed away, when his dog died or when Bambi’s mother was killed by the hunter in the film. It may also be when his team last won the championship or when he was re-united with a long lost friend.

 

  1. Apply a gentle criticism to us

The Lesser will reject the assertion and argue that you are wrong. He will initially keep a lid on his ignited fury because this has been done during the seduction but if you press the point he will erupt.

The Mid-Range will fall silent as he tries to prevent the criticism from igniting his fury. He cannot respond because he is exerting his control to keep his ignited fury under control. Once he feels it abating he will either change topic pretending that he never heard it or he will depart from your company for a few minutes as he regains his composure. Say hello to your first, short silent treatment.

The Greater will smile and laugh. The smile will be false and the laugh hollow. He has plenty of control during this seduction to prevent his ignited fury from manifesting. Expect however a back-handed compliment later in the interaction and he has filed away your comment which will be revisited on you during devaluation.

“Remember when you said you did not like this tie? I certainly do. Well, Louise loves this tie and thinks it suits me. Who is Louise? Wouldn’t you like to know?”

The Normal will smile and laugh it off, asking you “Do you think so, why do you say that?” interested to know why you have said what you have said. He may reject it but will do so pleasantly or he may take the comment on board with good grace.

 

  1. Observe our interactions with a minion

The Lesser will go out of his way to be haughty and demonstrate that he is the boss in order to try to impress you.

The Mid-Range will be charming and pleasant in order to draw fuel from both you and the minion. His obsequiousness will be noticeable and he will spend more time than he ought to deal with the minion.

The Greater will be flirtatious and point out that “They love me in here because of how much I spend, I always get a great table and great service.” It will be all about how great he is and how the minion is there to serve him.

The Normal will be polite and have minimal interaction with the minion because he will be concentrating on you.

The Willing Volunteer

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It is a recognised truth that we select you. We are able to sense the empathy flowing from you and our sights become locked on to you. We move in and through a combination of our experience at recognising your kind and our subtle and informed questioning we soon establish whether you will fulfil our needs and have that sweet, delicious fuel flowing for us. If the answer is yes, and invariably it is, we do not often get it wrong when we first target somebody, then all of our seductive and manipulative charm is deployed to ensnare you. The love-bombing begins and we soon bind you to us, wrapping our tendrils about you and holding you close as our claws sink into your flesh, our hooks drive deep into your soul and the fuel lines attach and thus the extraction begins. You can shoulder no blame when this happens. You are unlikely to know what one of us is. You see the warning signs but do not recognise them. The red flags flutter but you just think how beautiful they look. The klaxons blare but they cannot be heard above the noise of our silky, honeyed words which pour into your ears. You may be fortunate enough to have somebody in your support networks who knows exactly what we are. Nevertheless, their kind and thoughtful explanations never dissuade you. How can they when you are being made to feel like a queen? How can they when we are giving you everything that you ever wanted? How can they when your soul mate has appeared and gathered you close? You smile and nod and thank them for their concern but you dismiss it and especially when we tell you that they are to be ignored, he or she is only jealous of what we have, they want to cause trouble, I have seen it before believe me and of course you will always believe me. You are a sitting target. You anticipate nothing of what is to come and you cannot be blamed at all. You do not know what we are, our seduction is virtually impossible to resist and why would you want to spurn this opportunity of a lifetime. Your ensnaring is a given and you are blameless in that.

Yet after this when the glow of the golden period fades and what was once shiny becomes tarnished and dull, when those sweet words have become barbed and thorny, when the lustre has gone and the brilliance has been diverted to a more deserving appliance, this is when you become culpable. You are no fool. Although you cannot work out why we switch back and forth in the blink of an eye in our behaviour. Although you cannot fathom why we lie and lie and lie. Although you are unable to comprehend why we show such rank hypocrisy, crass contradiction and sheer contrariness, you know that you are being badly treated. You know our words are harsh and hurtful. You know that our disappearances are unwarranted and leave you upset and worried. You recognise that our repeated taking, our ignoring of your needs and our calculated and systematic tirades are abusive. Yes, there is much of our behaviour during this devaluation that is insidious and purposefully so. Much of our manipulations continue without you really appreciating they are happening or their full effect but everyone knows that being shouted out and called names is abusive. Everyone knows that the broken promise to call you or meet you is unfair and unnecessary. You do recognise that our behaviour towards you is unpleasant and abusive. Yet, despite this recognition what do you do? You stay. You are picked up and put down, treated as the appliance that we see you are to be used when it suits us and pushed to one side when someone else proves of greater interest. You see this happen yet you put up with it. You know we flirt with other women and seem to have a string of relationships which have never quite finished somehow. You see how those other women are all vying for our time and you resent that. Notwithstanding how badly we treat you, you do not want them to be the recipients of the golden largesse you know that we are capable of. You want it. Thus you remain, trying to keep them at bay, fighting further battles with these other members of my coterie most likely unaware that this triangulation upon triangulation is all by design. You make excuses after excuse for our rotten behaviour. You trot these excuses out to your friends who look on with weary faces. You tell these excuses to yourself as you sit sobbing after another violent outburst. He is tired. He is stressed. He has a lot on at work. If I try just that bit harder, I know I can help him. If I can just make him see what he is doing to me I know we can work things out. I just want to cure whatever ill it is that is eating away at him and making him someone he is not, I know deep down he is a good man, I have seen it with my own eyes. The excuses come thick and fast and frequent. You clothe the abuse in these excuses seeking to make the abhorrent behaviour seem more acceptable as you continue to hang on in there in the hope that today we will give you a dose of the golden period. Occasionally it will happen and you are elated. All is well in the world and you knew that your fortitude would bear a reward. Now everything will be fine again. Only you could achieve this, not those other harpies. Why do they hang around so much? What are they waiting for? You bask in the golden light only for it to soon fade once again. The cycle continues but you do not depart, you do not leave and instead you remain hoping that we will pick you and spend time with you. You hang on in there in the hope of picking the lucky ticket which means you experience our brilliance once again. You will do anything to gain our attention and our golden love again. You will sacrifice your self-esteem, your confidence, friends, family, job, money, looks and health just for the prospect of feeling that golden, delicious love once again. Just like a hopeless addict everything else will be given up for that fix of us. You know how bad we are for you yet you keep on staying. You cannot blame us for that. You cannot blame us for the fact that you become the willing volunteer.

 

Fuel Filled Thoughts

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We love fuel. It is our lifeblood. It is what we seek on a daily basis. It powers us. It allows us to exist. It comes from a wide range of suppliers. It comes with varying frequency, potency and effect. Certain people are fountains of fuel, faucets of delicious and edifying fuel, super tankers, wells, reservoirs. Those are the people we target, hunt down and ensnare as our primary sources but fuel can be obtained from anyone and everyone. Of course some provide far more fuel than others and it is those people who form the important suppliers to us. Fuel manifests in many different forms, arising from words, gestures, actions and inactions, so long as there is emotion attached, then fuel is generated and we drain it from those we have attached our fuel lines to and suck it up for our greater glory and empowerment. It is also useful for you to understand that fuel also comes in Proximate and Thought or Think forms.

Proximate Fuel is the fuel that is mentioned the most often. It is also the more potent of the two. Proximate Fuel arises from when we witness your emotional reaction to something that we have done. Accordingly, if we see you cry as a result of us calling you horrible names then we receive Proximate Fuel. If we walk into an arena and receive the adoring applause of thousands of people, that is Proximate Fuel. If, as we walk down the road we draw an admiring glance from somebody, that is Proximate Fuel. It is the most important fuel when it comes in this form and is necessary to the good order of our existence.

Thought Fuel is less potent but that is not to suggest that it should be dismissed. There is still considerable potency in this form of fuel and we rely on it frequently and especially so at particular stages in the narcissistic cycle. Think Fuel arises when we envisage your emotional reaction to something that we have done or not done. In respect of our primary sources the Thought Fuel is strongest. This is firstly because of that person’s high ranking in terms of the Proximity of Supply but also because we know our primary source very well indeed. Our primary source has been researched, targeted and seduced. During seduction we analysed you further, understanding how you behave based on our experience of others of a similar nature to you but with the addition of gaining direct and daily access to all the subtle nuances, behaviourisms and idiosyncrasies that make you what you are. This knowledge enables us to determine how you react. We continue with our observation and scrutiny through the devaluation. Our knowledge bank about how you will react is burgeoning. We know how you will respond to certain situations and we can envisage how you will look and what you will say. Generating that picture is important because when we apply some form of manipulation against you but we are not beside you or viewing you in order to watch your reaction, we instead absorb the Thought Fuel from knowing how you would respond and with the attendant emotion.

Accordingly, when we impose a silent treatment during devaluation and we do so through absenting ourselves, we of course are unable to see your reaction to our disappearance, but we know what it will be. We know you will anxious and anguished. We know that tears will be trickling down your face or that you will be frantic with worry or that you will be pacing up and down angry at our sudden departure. We know you and in so doing we drink of this Thought Fuel and feel powerful in the knowledge that our manipulation has caused this reaction even though we cannot see this. The silent treatment continues and we continue to draw ThoughtFuel from the knowledge of how it will be affecting you. This Thought Fuel is also intertwined with Proximate Fuel because for example, if you send a heartfelt text to us during this silent treatment, we see the emotion in your words and this provides us with Proximate Fuel alongside the enduring Thought Fuel.

Thought Fuel is especially useful when we engage in our manipulations through silent treatment, or denigrating you and then going out somewhere. We are able to conjure up the image of you distraught at home and fearing our return and this Thought Fuel invigorates us. It is evident when we have discarded you in particular as we think of how you will be reacting once you realise that you have been discarded and that we want no more to do with you.  When we hoover you through technology, even though we may not receive a response to our first flurry of texts we will still draw Thought Fuel from it because we know how you will be responding to our communication. It may be excitement, it may be apprehension or it may be hatred, but whatever it is, it will be fuelling us nevertheless and that is all that matters to us.

The drawback with Thought Fuel is that the envisaged reaction cannot be maintained for a long time without the need for Proximate Fuel from that same source. If after four or five days of hoovering somebody by text and there is no response, the empowering effects of imagining what your reaction will be, will wane. If you have decided not to respond as part of instigating No Contact, the failure to respond with Proximate Fuel means that the Thought Fuel can only last so long. Once those few days have elapsed, we need a Proximate Fuel response from you. Of course during this period, we may be getting fuel from different sources (both Proximate and Thought) as is our standard approach. In order to revitalise the Thought Fuel with a particular appliance however we need that appliance to provide Proximate Fuel. Thus after five days of silence with no response, the Thought Fuel will wane. If you then telephone us and cry down the ‘phone because we are not speaking to you, we receive a delicious dollop of Proximate Fuel. If then you fall silent even though we are sending texts, your supply of Proximate Fuel has invigorated the Thought Fuel because you have let us know that it is still affecting you. This direct contact by you has not only given us Proximate Fuel but it has breathed new life into the Thought Fuel which will continue to power us from your envisaged reaction until once again it will wane after a few days.

This situation cuts both ways also. If after a few days of enjoying the Thought Fuel we then have direct contact with you but you provide no fuel by responding to us in a neutral fashion, then if there continues silence thereafter we will not derive any further Thought Fuel from that particular manipulation because you have demonstrated that it is not proving effective. We may continue the silent treatment and focus on a different source of fuel, but we are no longer getting any from you, until such time as we witness Proximate Fuel again.

Thought Fuel underlines our power because it demonstrates to us that we can be super charged from knowing about how you will respond even though we do not see your reaction. To us, that is an example of the considerable power that we wield. It also means that even if you somehow are not reacting in the way that we envisage you would (although this is usually unlikely) at least for a number of days we will still gain Thought Fuel because it is based on how we have witnessed you behave and respond on previous occasions.

Thought Fuel is most often obtained from the Primary Source but it can be drawn from other sources. Knowing how a friend will be reacting to our failure to turn up to his birthday celebration or knowing how somebody serving at a bar will react to our dressing down as we walk away with a smile on our face enables us to draw Thought Fuel from these Methods of Delivery also.

This is why fuel is so important to us. This is why fuel is so pervasive and is the object of all our agendas and manipulations.

Twisted

 

 

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How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

Not Tonight Caroline

 

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Established readers may remember dear, sweet Caroline, an ex-girlfriend of mine who had a huge conscience and always sought to do the correct thing. She often wanted to fight back against my manipulations but could not do so because she took the view that it was wrong. Wrong because she did not believe in meeting fire with fire. Wrong because she always maintained that I needed help to overcome the issues that apparently I had. She was sweet but ever so misguided. Caroline was a particular enthusiast of horror movies. I at first found this slightly at odds with who she was although I naturally embraced her enthusiasm for them as part of my mirroring of her likes. I found that it was actually psychological thrillers and creepy horror (not out and out gore fests) which she preferred. The reason for this soon became apparent. She enjoyed being scared witless in the cinema because it made her amorous, randy, horny, call it whatever you will but it made her want to go straight to be to make love after any visit to the cinema. We would make near weekly visits to the cinema and sometimes twice in a weekend for her dose of fright and then the sex thereafter.

Once the period of devaluation began with Caroline I knew, as was often the case, that withdrawing sexual interest from her would provoke the appropriate hurt, upset and frustrated response which would provide me with the negative fuel that I craved. I also knew however that she was confiding in a handful of people outside of our relationship (note – always secure a lieutenant in the primary source’s camp) and it would not do to have my name besmirched in such a way. Firstly, I was not wanting those listeners (two of whom I had identified as potential targets) to think that I had a reduced sexual appetite when that was not the case, of course they could not be told that this apparent loss of libido arose as a consequence of a manipulation. Secondly, I did not want her to garner sympathy and support from her camp over my withdrawal of sexual attention.

Accordingly, the tactic needed to cause the withdrawal without it being directly linked to me. Naturally I identified that the attendance at the cinema to watch frightening movies was the catalyst that ignited her libido. To her, film night was sex night. Film night therefore had to be the target. I needed to maintain my appearance (at least) of being reasonable so I would be able to garner sympathy at her now failure to engage in a sexual union and also to avoid it seeming as if I was the one sabotaging film night. She had to be the one to sabotage film night and thus if we or rather she did not attend the film there would be no sex to follow. This would be her doing and I could justifiably complain that I was the one not getting any sex as a consequence of her selfishness.

Accordingly, my aims with Caroline we are as follows: –

  1. Cause the withdrawal of sex leaving me blameless and thus with grounds for complaint;
  2. Sabotage her attendance at film night without it appearing that I had done so;
  3. Cause her to cause the sabotage so I remained blameless.

 

I knew she was angling for new car and I had been engaging in future faking by suggesting that we would organise for her to get a new car. I kept putting it off and I knew that she was becoming irritated by this because she wanted a larger vehicle for the increased mileage she was doing associated with her job. On the Saturday when we were due to go to the cinema that evening, I returned to the house with a couple of brochures from a dealership.

“What have you got there?” she asked pleasantly enough.

“Oh a couple of brochures for the new Jaguar, I fancied a change.”

“What? Already?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well you’ve only had your car less than a year.”

“And?”

“Well, you don’t need a new car, I do.”

“It’s like that is it?” I asked.

“Like what?”

“I am not allowed to look.”

“You said you fancied a change.”

“I do but that isn’t the same as ‘I am getting a new car’ but oh no, you had to assume you knew what I meant, just in the same way that you always assume you know what is best for me. If I want a new car, I will get one, it is my money.”

“Yes, yes, okay, but you have been promising that we would change my car.”

“No I haven’t.”

She paused trying to keep her rising exasperation under control.

“Yes you did.”

“Are you suggesting that I have lied,” I said firmly and quietly. She halted.

“You were weren’t you, you fucking snake,” I hissed at her.

You can imagine how the rest of the conversation went. I baited and pressed until she erupted in tears of frustration. I strung the argument out until it was close to the time to depart for the cinema.

“You are in one of your moods again, I’m not going to the cinema with you since you are being so horrible,” she declared.

“Suits me. I will go on my own.”

I saw her mouth drop open. She expected me to talk her around into going. She probably also expected me to arrange a new car for her in order to persuade her to come to the cinema. That was how manipulative this woman could be and I was not falling for it. Apologies, that was how I later described the conversation when recounting the poor treatment, I had been subjected to. I knew she expected me to sweet talk her into accompanying me to the cinema, but I was not doing so. I had to turn my head so she did not see my smile of satisfaction. I was fuelled from her upset and frustration. I also knew that she would be cursing the fact she was not going to the cinema and would in turn rue the loss of the catalyst for her sexual engagement that she otherwise wholly enjoyed. I made for the door as she made a noise of protest and headed to the car.

I adopted a blackened look on my face, appearing as if it was I who had been wronged by her refusal to accompany me to the cinema but the reality was I was delighted. I had drawn fuel, asserted my control, reinforced my superiority and I could watch the film without someone grabbing my arm every five minutes in terror. I could also complain about her behaviour to anybody I chose to tell and knew her options for complaint had been severely limited because she chose not to come to the cinema which in turn stymied her expected later pleasure.

This is how a greater narcissist thinks. Planning ahead in order to secure the fuel, the control and the winning outcome.