The Dozen of Dismay
You are people of emotion. Not only do you experience a wide range of emotions, both good and bad, you experience emotion frequently. Your emotional output is heightened, intense and superior to that of “normal” people. You allow emotions to govern you, you are very much in touch with them and you will struggle to keep them under control, masked and hidden. These qualities which apply to the empath, super empath and co-dependent in increasing amounts make you the ideal targets for us. This is for two reasons. The first, naturally, is because your copious emotional output amounts to delicious and potent fuel for us. Our lifeblood. You are necessary to sustain our existence for it is through you that we are able to gain a sense of existence, your fuel powering what we are, what we wish to portray and that which we wish to banish. Fuel is the most important factor, but it is not the sole factor. The second reason why we require such emotional individuals to connect with (and especially in the role as intimate partner primary source) is that your emotional condition allows us to exert control over you. The exertion of control allows us to maintain our sense of superiority. This superiority allows us to paralyse you and keep you in this emotional state. Thus the cycle continues until such time as the emotional output drops below that level which is acceptable to us. By ensuring that you remain emotional, we prevent you from seeing the reality of what is happening to you. We ensure that your decision making is not borne of cool, hard logic. You are prevented from moving forward. You are prevented from escaping us. This is why so much of our manipulative behaviour is focused on provoking emotional responses from you. For fuel and for control. We must control our environment if we are to exist and this means controlling our appliances, including you as primary source.
As with so much of the narcissistic entanglement, the preservation of an emotional state is achieved through steps which we take but also as a consequence of traits which are particularly evident in your kind, as compared to normal people. These actions and traits combine through our daily interactions. They permeate everything that we say and do. Our manipulation relies on the existence of these items in order to maximise their effect and keep you in an emotional state. These actions and traits exist in the entanglement between my kind and your kind so that the dance continues, the hold is maintained and the emotion pours forth. We look to apply these actions in all our manipulations. We look to capitalise on these traits in you. Together there is an effective combination which ultimately creates your dismay and thus the emotional state we crave in you. There are twelve of these actions and traits; six from us and six from you.
- Generalising. We use this to maintain our superiority and belittle you. By generalising we make it sound as if we are the ones who can do no wrong and you are the ones who are always in the wrong. Thus we will make comments such as: –
“You never tell me that you love me.”
“I always am the one who has to sort things out.”
“Everybody thinks that you are horrible to me.”
“You never let me do what you want.”
Such broad brush and wide-ranging allegations are issued with total conviction in order to have considerable effect on you.
- Future Prediction. You are apt to base what you think the future should be based on what has happened already. This invariably means that because you have experienced the joy and wonder of the golden period that you expect that the relationship should continue in a similar vein in the future and thus you have a raised (and ultimately unrealistic) expectation by placing your hopes and decisions on the past rather than the present.
- Past Transgressions. We revel in raking up the past about you in order to suggest that you have done something wrong. If you have committed some wrong in the past (whether it is minor or major in nature) we are always able to remember it and we will keep digging it up. We never bury anything dead. We will also invent past transgressions which we perceive you to have committed, after all, you are not doing what we want, you are no longer idealised and therefore you must have done something wrong, yes? These inventions will be vague and amorphous in nature.
- Black and White Thinking. A dizzying and disorientating response to the perceived criticism which you hurl at us repeatedly so that you will be hero one moment, then zero the next. We do not operate in the grey when it comes to our view of you and others. You are either white or black. Then white again. Before becoming black once more. Often in the space of minutes.
- Closed Mind. We operate with a closed mind. We know best. We know the right things to do. We do not listen to anybody, least of all you, because you are a traitor, a moron and a fool. This prevents us from dealing with your challenges and heads off any sensible and credible suggestions you may happen to make about a situation which might undermine our sense of superiority
- Catastrophic Thinking. You engage in this as a consequence of an inherent nature to be like this but we engender and cultivate it through our conditioning of you. Since our responses when devaluing you are disproportionate (from your perspective) you then become used to the fact that when something goes wrong, it will go very wrong indeed. This causes you to always assume the worst which increases your anxiety and emotional responses.
- Irrational Fear. Again as a consequence of the mind games that we play with you, you find yourself second-guessing, questioning and obsessing over everything that is said and done which result in your acquiring an irrational fear. You will find something to worry about in the slightest remark or expression. Once upon a time you will never have done so, but your entanglement with us causes this to happen and with it the emotion flows.
- Projection. We project repeatedly by accusing you of doing the very things which we are guilty of ourselves. This is an instinctive response by us and is not only a form of defence but it also causes you to be put on the back foot as you seek to justify your own behaviour and find yourself bewildered to be accused of the act yourselves. Your response is one of astonishment, amazement, upset and annoyance. All good for the emotional quota.
- Blame-shifting. Another stock behaviour of our kind borne out of our need to avoid culpability for anything, which accords with our sense of entitlement. Thus it is always somebody else’s fault. Usually yours. This allows us to castigate you and causes you to react in a similar way to when we project.
- Never Looking Back. We are too busy driving forward to contemplate our navels and mull over events. We do not operate in this manner, but you do. Your propensity to reflect, consider and assess means that you dwell on matters for too far long and in so doing you paralyse yourselves.
- Mea Culpa. Not only do we blame you for everything you also engage in blaming yourself. You need to find answers to why things happen and if we are blame-shifting and rejection any suggestion that it is down to us, you then have a habit of accepting that you must be at fault somehow. It gets worse however. You do not just shrug and accept you are to blame, but you beat yourselves up trying to figure out what it is, spending time and energy working out why you are at fault.
- The Fixer. Your desire to fix everything, to heal and make good, means that you cannot walk away readily from situation where you would do well to do so. Instead you remain in the firing lane, in the furnace, in the midst of battle as the manipulations continue and with it the increased emotion that follows.
A dozen reasons. Six from us. Six from you. Twelve acts and conditions which result in your continued emotional state.
29 thoughts on “The Dozen of Dismay”
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Disregard my last comment I was having a vulnerable moment but it’s passed. All is well 😈
At this moment I’m going to let all feelings and emotions go as they’ve done me no good. It’s not a forever goodbye just a momentarily good riddance.
Poetic_Me,
He told me all the same things! He even said he had Agoraphobia- (afraid to go outside- not the spider-phobia…hope I don’t have those mixed up); he was constantly suicidal (he claimed), said I deserved better; (he was right for once!), and his past that he forever talked about was wracked with one catastrophe over the other; (this was not the issue, as life is Hard(!). The issue is that he used his “sob stories” to manipulate, and mind-control me.
It’s okay, Poetic.. Of course we naturally want to believe the best of others! It’s very painful to know that their are those out there who want…no, NEED…to destroy us and also destroy our loved ones. Very scary and difficult to accept!
Tamara <3
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
The “Victim Narcissist” ended up smearing and ghosting me because I decided I needed to tell him that I didn’t like his Triangulation Tactics on me, anymore. Before this happened, he claimed he’d “die without me”. He did once do a Discard on me by saying that before he met me, his life was much simpler and easier, and that he was a “broken man”…thus, he discarded me. Then, 2 weeks later, he had flowers sent to me and a card that said, “I’m willing to face any fear for you, my beautiful woman.” Of course, this last time he discarded me has lasted 4 months. I think it will last forever, but I don’t care bcuz I don’t love him, anymore.
Mr. Tudor, why would a Narcissist admit to being “a broken man” who has had anxiety just leaving his own house in the past, and has ongoing bouts of depression and anxiety and medication won’t help him (he said)? (Of course, before he discarded me, he denied ever saying any of that).. Also, are Victim Narcissist’s turned-off by sex, unless they happen to be in a “certain mood”? (or maybe he was secretly gay)…
A narcissist would admit to being a broken man for two purposes. The first may be to suggest that you have caused it and therefore it is blame-shifting in order to upset you, anger you or frustrate you so that you provide him with fuel. The second may be in order to draw a sympathetic reaction from you as a consequence of him (apparently) admitting some kind of weakness.
The victim narcissist may have sexual dysfunction which he will milk for the purpose of drawing fuel. He may be submissive with regards to sexual activity, preferring his victim to take a more dominant tole in order so that he draws fuel from such a scenario.
Hi Tamara…MCN used the same ploy with me to keep me bound to him and forgiving and remaining. He always referred to himself as a shadow of a man, that I deserve better,I am too good for him, he was grateful I never left him…MCN claimed he had S.A.D., introversion and depression…he used these illnesses to verify why he gave me silent treatments. I found out that they were all lies, he had none of these disorders. I feel a fool for believing him, he was a most excellent actor in feigning such things when they served his Purpose. When we love and wish to heal those we love, we trust and believe them.
Has he contacted you recently, Tamara?
Thank you E.B. That is a great tip and one I can relate to. My walking away tactic isn’t working anymore so I truly appreciate you reading and replying as I feel I need all the help I can get right now.
And just like Bill Murray’s, ” Groundhog’s Day”, JN has reached out seemingly benign, for my birthday this weekend. I must be in “white / good” mode. It is completely fascinating how if you isolate your communication completely in the moment and shut out the past, how compartmentalized it becomes interacting. He unblocked me on FB and used Messenger. He’s fishing to get my # again instructing me to text him.
You know I’ve been good and have not done 1 single thing to cave and reach out. I guess it’s true if you stay quiet during their silent treatments, they’ll resurface sooner or later.
You entered the sixth sphere because it is your birthday. He knows that if he contacts you, you will respond. He identifies that there is hoover fuel to be gained from contacting you. He also does not discern any considerable obstacles, hence you got the hoover.
This was a great post HG. Real eye opener for me as I often react to 2,3,4,7(big time), 8,9,12(always). So how do I curb this? I always show emotion even when I don’t sound emotional my body is still showing it as co-workers have mentioned it. I’ve tried very hard to be emotional less and it seems I can’t. So any tips are appreciated. Also number 12 is huge for me as I have always been a problem solver. I tend to take on others problems as my own and try to resolve them.
@ Exhausted,
It is not easy for me to hide my emotions either. There are still people who trigger me and I am working on it. Identify your triggers and where they come from (e.g. parents, siblings). For example number 3: bringing up the past is usually done to make us feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves. This is what dysfunctional parents do to create shame. IMO, if we know who we really are (and not what other people say), we will not have the need to react when someone tries to put us down with lies or half-truths about us. Self-confidence and self-awareness come from within.
If there are some triggers left like in my case, it can be helpful to think about someone at a bus stop who asks you what time it is. So when the narcissist start denigrating you, you can say: “That’s a lie” or “I have a different opinion”, only once and in a neutral tone as if you were saying “It’s two o’clock”.
Thank Goodness I never had more then a total of four months of this awful place and the last three months was of a lot of work just getting myself back.
Holy hell, I just can’t imagine what most of the ladies on here have been through, years of this. I would have killed him if I stayed and let myself get so lost. I am telling you, I would be in prison. Something saved me from a life of lock up. OH you HG. I owe you my life. But please do not come and collect.
He caught me weak. This is a first in my life.
There was a lesson to learn. I am still looking for the reason of this lesson.
Donnes Wednesday Addams face and asks, “what is this emotion of which you speak?”
SMH.
The more of your articles I read the more it intrigues me as to the similarities and differences between Ns and people with autism.
10,11,12… No wonder why I often feel physically and emotionally exhausted.
I admire your dedication and hard work, HG. Thank you!
ohhh man.. i think all of the above to some extent 😱😱😱
Yep x12
I saw a lot of myself in that article. I have always been an emotional person and not afraid to show it. I could never understand why my ex seemed to love my tears but now I see how high you rank the negative fuel. I used to cry in public all the time in front of my ex. She must have been in heaven…..That was a great list HG
Indeed she was fuelled by the tracks of your tears. Thank you for your compliment.
Curious if it’s a narcissistic trait to add “yes” to the end of a question. For instance, my ex will say “We can have a civil conversation, yes?”. Is this a mechanism for leading the victim into agreement to whatever precedes the yes? I noticed it in one of your responses which is what brought me to question it. Thanks.
It is, in isolation, a method of seeking ratification from the listener. Used extensively, it is to condition and to manipulate. Yes?
Thank you HG. Much needed today.
The ones that I am famous for! 6,7,9,11,12!! Through out my whole life!! I know it, but seeing it in writing really hits home! Thank you HG.
Pleasure FM.
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
Yes, the fixer, remains too long in a toxic environment that is not conducive to her health.
I engaged in the future predicating and catastrophic thinking, as well as The irrational fears and second guessing his words and behaviour.
Followed by the Grand Finale…the ensuing repentance.
Hard work You’ve done on this one G. Time for a🍸 😉
FYI my emotions make me feel alive just like Yours do. None of us should be jealous.
“You are a traitor, a moron and a fool.” A fool?maybe.but traitor and moron? Oh G …
It is close to beer o’clock, yes.