Violating Your Trust
We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,
“I like your shirt it suits you.”
You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.
People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.
You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not be breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you get what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.
By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.
Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.
When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.
138 thoughts on “Violating Your Trust”
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I have found that after years with the same narc, I no longer trust humans (my dog is pretty cool). I’m very weary and my guard is up…
Please elaborate?
On what 1jaded?
How old is your mind?
Depends on the situation.
I never expected more or less.
Did you expect just right?
No. Whatever the living f is just right? If i am 13 and your mind age is in flux…you could be whatever age you choose. That includes 50 or older. Then i can call you gramps.
Ha ha, call me gramps, my delightful friend and we will fall out! But you are correct. Mine is in a state of flux.
Lol at you calling me friemd…and delightful…the sarcasm oozes. I will not be calling you gramps, even though i want to..you can place that term in your mind…the term makes me laugh. Age is a state of mind.
If I just could say anything but “wow” or “no comment” dear 1jaded1 I would but as that indicated I’m lost for words. And that wasn’t directed at anyone. Have good day.
Thank you. Have any kind of day you choose to have Maddie.
You did say my name. Ok.
1jaded1 my ex told me to think of him as a nine year old boy, he was Specific in the age, when he raged or what he referred to as tantrumed. I always remember that and ensured he knew I heard him, loved him, forgave him. He would say things that the little boy loves me the most, I would say, how do you know he loves me, he would say,me tells me. I loved this man so much, he wouldn’t hardly discuss his childhood. But the little he did I understood why he was as he is. He just couldn’t let me love that part of him or even see it. Part of me still feels guilt for leaving him, when I still loved him. I wanted so little from him. I wish the children within us could win out, over the need for the adult to maintain control. Especially when We all want and need to be loved. I still would nevr have left him, I would have kept my promise. Because the little girl in me is abandoned too. It is just all too sad at times.
I identify with age nine. He took me. As much as I learn…I am still confused. I am sorry that you have been abandoned too.
I think we need to nurture that part of us and listen and hear. I think if he didn’t deny it, we would, still be together. I know that is wrong. As I would still be subjected to his abusive behaviour. But, being hurt as a child, is not your fault, or his. Or HGs or mine or anyone’s…blame is a horrible burden of self. I hear you!!! Every time you speak here. Your voice is not buried anymore. You have valid and valuable things to say here. For HG. For Jaded, for others and for myself. Thank you x
I understand this. Poetic_Me
There is a little Me inside and I shared her with my Narc. This was his in and he betrayed her. This is unforgivable.
Yes, Steeviann, he knew what he was doing and he did it anyways….they say the love our ” child like nature” but they then seek to destroy it and recreate the abuse and abandonment. We feel. I do understand what you are saying and what you feel xx
Hi PM! How are you? My experience is very similar. Me ex said she didn’t remember much from her childhood. What she did share broke my heart and I wanted to be the one to help. I thought I could. I still feel the guilt from leaving.😓 We both had no idea that it was going to happen when it did and I was still madly in love with her. I never wanted to break my promise of being there for her. I would have never left either. 💔
It is heartbreaking to know you have tried to hold on for someone….receiving so little in return, not wanting to abandon n
them, to realize they had abandoned you long ago….I think we need to remove our guilt somehow Snow White….I do know it has not allowed me to reach out to him, I fight it every day. I think knowing they do not care how we feel now or then, that we were just a faceless and nameless fuel supply to them, easily replaced. But here sit I, still loving him and still loyal….why? I see so many who move on with ease….I mean emotionally move on….and here I am feeling guilty for leaving him. I think Snow White we feel guilt, because we had our love and loyalty wrenched from us by their betrayal. I am bred to feel guilt and shame, he knew this. I suffer the emotional burden of the relationship, while he has moved with the the woman he swore to me he no longer had any contact with for years.. We cannot go back Snow White, there is nothing behind us or for us there. It is trying to find some thing ahead of us now. Figuring this all out and living and loving ourselves, forgiving ourselves and them and feeling happy.
Well written…when we give our heart we expect it to be taken care and not exploited. I never knew anything like this existed. I don’t know if I will ever stop loving her but I do know I will never go back and I’m sure you won’t either. Finally being able to see that everything was a lie has helped me move in the right direction. That was the big one for me. I am better than what I was but I still would say I’m an emotional wreck. Lol. I can tell you are going in the right direction too even if some days we don’t feel like it. We have found the answers and the outlet here to keep on going. Did you have the day off? Is it a holiday where you are?
No, I won’t Snow White, I tried to get closure, it was a mistake for me. I did it because of my love for him. We are going I the right direction, Snow White, very true,
Yes, it is a holiday today. I don’t work till Wednesday though.
PM, I tried for closure too but it didn’t go as I planned. A mistake for me too. I asked for her to meet me to say goodbye and that was the last thing that I should have done. At that time I thought it would be an amicable goodbye. Boy was I wrong. Lol..I had figured out what she was but didn’t know anything about FUEL. She got a lot from me that day. There is never going to be closure unfortunately. I also don’t work til Wednesday. That will be my first day back. Hope we both enjoy tomorrow. ❤️🍎
No, they don’t want us to have closure, sadly. They want us still ensnared or they want us gone…our needs are not even secondary to them, they simply do not matter. You did what was decent and kind, a face to face goodbye, you did not know how she would abuse that as well. We know now. Going back nevr works, we just do not get the answers we seek.
Have a happy Tuesday, Snow White.
I was wondering whether I should write:
W O W
or
“No comment”
Because in that moment, he reminded me of a Veruca. Not the wart.
The bad girl from the movie? The spoiled GIRL? Was he behaving like a little girl? What did I miss?
>
I know what gender she is. You didn’t miss anything.
I was actually projecting my own Veruca (not the wart) on an unrelated matter. I’m not ashamed to admit that. Texting with a friendish alleviated it. This person allows me to vent. The only thing this friendish said is, “consider the source,” which is one of my favorite sayings anyway.
HG is still a person. Does he have warts? Too many potential responses, but I’ll keep it on the clean side. I’ve never seen him, physically so I don’t know for sure. We all have our inner stuff (warts). People with NPD lie more than others like maybe always, but we all lie.
I’ve kissed two. They are still NPD.
No I do not have any warts. Nor I have ever had.
What would you do if someone thought that I was your daughter? This will be interesting bc you are so much younger than I am…or so you say?
They would not think that you were my daughter. Maybe they might think I am your son?
Pfft. Like that would happen. Nope. At best, they would think we were the same age. Age is a state of mind though and at times i am 13.
If you are in a state of mind of 13 then you would be my older sister then.
I hate candy. I will not be purchasing candy. I have a friend who has a family member who owns a candy company and I tease him. Ickgag. Are you the Gene Wilder one or the creepy JD one? Gene died the other day. That made me sad.
Which one do you like best?
Isn’t it past your bedtime?
I like the book version the best.
I’ll have to take your word for it that you are telling the truth. We will likely never meet in person…although I have met a blogger before…it was awesome…and if we do, we won’t be exploring certain areas. That’s a fact.
Or babysitter. That would have been fun.
Gene Wilders version is the best version of the film, he was a fabulous actor. The books will always be better. I recommend we all watch Young Frankenstein and laugh and smile.
Roald Dahl’s personal story is extremely interesting, especially when he crashed his plane in the Libyan desert, oh and the inspiration for Charlie and the Chocolate factory when he lived in Wales.
My daughters grandmother is from Wales, it is beautiful there.
Which part is she from?
Anglesey..she grew up Plymouth Brethen, a,ways talked about how she could t listen to radio or televison, she read lots and ended up an editor for Random house, before moving to South Africa, when she met my daughters grandfather, who studied abroad in England.
I have not been to Anglesy. The Brecon Beacons and the West coast of wales, Pembrokeshire are particularly beautiful. The drive from Usk to Pontypool is also impressive. Other than the M4 getting around Wales is quite slow. There are some very deprived areas as well. Merthyr Tydfil stands out in particular as suffering from the loss of coal and steel.
As for PB, you should watch the film Son of Rambow.
We were in Wales last summer, I most certainly will return again. I will check out that film thank you for the recommendation HG.
Young Frankenstein was and is awesome.
So brilliant….I have so many of his films on dvd…I love older movies. It is an affinity of mine.
You are naughty for wanting people to feel crazy. We know we aren’t and yet we allow ourselves to think we are. Boo…
I keep reading everything you pen HG. It helps me to keep going and to be strong. I spent the last year or so wasting my time on him and trusting him. When he told me that he had angry sex with Sig one last year I was shocked and so hurt. Wait??? Didn’t we just move in together and you two were getting a divorce… Why is she flying out here from the Midwest…. Now I know that big parts of this nightmare were orchestrated. Wow what planning
I don’t care too much for them, myself.
Do you respect other Narcissists, Mr. Tudor? How do you feel about …Victim Narcissists?
No I don’t. I’m only concerned with me.
I have found that narcissists show a strong dislike to each other – they can sniff each other out in a second and a hate-hate relationship is born that can be quite extreme in nature.
I am inclined to agree with that assessment NA. There are some variations which occur as a consequence of the type of narcissist and the fuel situation but as a near summary that is pretty accurate.
: (
That’s the way it is Brandie.
Me, me, me. I just wish there was more time for MEEEEE
Do you know I have that very same thought most days. no, hours, no minutes.
looks like great minds think alike.
Is your real name Veruca?
No It’s Willy.
Willy Wonka! >
Your name is defenseless…yet you arm our defenses. So ironic.
You know a Veruca is a wart. Or the girl in WW & Choco factory. Veruca Salt is some band undoubtable named after the poor spoiled child from said movie. >
I do. Hence my response of Willy. As in Wonka.
I picked up on this. This was not directed at you but the original post on the question. I was wondering why this name. You are not a wart. Perhaps a frog?
i know the definition.
Why this name? 1jaded1. >
When I went through my divorce, I was going to reinvent myself so I went to school for an esthetician to get licensed to be a spa director or open one myself. But due to touching people, who all have verrucas in my mind, I quit when I had to go to the floor and do the practical. OH HELL NO!!!!! One giant verruca after another coming through the door. So I went skiing for the winter instead.
Fun stuff in the life of me.
Ah ok. Touching people and being touched make me gag a bit, just the thoughts. Hell to the no is right. We all have verucas. I think of HG as a frog prince. I have my reasons for calling him veruca.
Oh? Interesting. Does he have warts? I have kissed many frogs. Not one of these bastards turned into a prince, Lying Mf’ers >
I trust way too much! I tell way too much!
Same here Alex, but is it so wrong to be this way. What is wrong is those who take advantage of our open and trusting natures.
It brings tears to my eyes reading this. And it makes me not want to trust anyone. I would love some advice on how to bring light to the reality of who my ex truly is-a monster. He is a self proclaimed Christian, plays on worship team at church and is best buds w the pastor. No one believed he was abusive in every way. They said he could just not be this person. Especially since he never was physically abusive to his ex before me.
Hello Brandie, why do you deem it necessary to demonstrate to people what he is like?
Because I want ppl to know that this evil exists in the church as well. First, I never knew ppl like you existed. Secondly, I never ever would believe that a Christian person who’s active in the church could be this way. That’s partly why I stayed so long. I just couldn’t believe it. I am an Empath/INFJ. I want ppl to be aware that there is this kind of evil out there. He destroyed my spirit and my soul. I should’ve trusted my intuition when I felt something was wrong. Several times I, along with my family, has said he’s the devil. He didn’t bring me closer to Christ. He hindered my growth. I thought church was a safe place. I purchased your book. Could you take a moment and read my story and tell me what you think?
Hello Brandie, thank you for purchasing the book. I would suggest you also read Smeared given the content of your post. Your sentiments are entirely understandable. Given the nature of the person that you are, you are astounded that somebody could behave in this manner, even worse someone purporting to be a Christian. However, organised religion is an attractive hunting ground for our kind. Consider the following:-
1. Being an instrument of God. Is there a higher calling? That appeals to our sense of superiority and omnipotence.
2. The creation of a fantastic facade being a religious person, someone who will appear to help those less fortunate.
3. An almost limitless supply of empathic individuals to use as fuel sources.
Whether a priest or an active member of the congregation, organised religion draws our kind most readily.
I understand your desire to try to tell people about him but you need to consider whether you are strong enough to do so (you ought to look to your own defences first) and keep in mid he will have a lot of people brainwashed and unwilling and/or unable to accept what you say. I am not telling you not to do it, but do think through how you intend to expose him and the potential consequences. Smeared has a whole host of information which is highly pertinent to your situation and it will save my fingers from typing it here! I shall also read your story when I have an opportunity to do so. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much HG
You are welcome Brandie.
Brandi We knew it existed for years in the churches, read the Bible, this is all you need to see evil, old and new testament. Oh, what about the molesting Priests out there. Evil is ramped in the church or religion, it is a good hiding place. >
Indeed it is SA, so often there are those who have hidden in plain sight. Admittedly, their numbers are small compared to those in the church who have not behaved unlawfully or immorally but for a place that ought to have such high standards it has attracted those who have transgressed on many occasions. Then again, as Lord Acton stated, “Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
In my opinion if I believed in GOD, he would be a narc of the highest level. Try God, A Biography Jack Miles.
Then again I am one to go sit with Richard Dawkins, renowned for his stance on antheism, and listen to him talk. >
I listened to one of Dawkins’ audio books the other evening when I was still awake in the early hours. I have not finished it yet. What have you taken from Dawkins?
He is firm on his stance on religious beliefs. He is impatient with closed minds. He does have a sense of humor even though he is English. He, is to me, brilliant. He would like us to be more evolved emotionally and intellectually. He is very direct and I look forward to sitting with 24 other people and listening to all the brilliant minds that I will surround me.
He is a scholar and teacher if you are willing to listen.
>
SA, what’s going on here?
“He does have a sense of humor even though he is English.”
How could you?
Albeit DRY. Mr Tudor. Hugs Hugs Hugs Begging forgiveness for my misstep in speaking out of line? 😉 >
Your contrition is swift and genuine. You are forgiven.
I typed a huge reply and now I don’t see it. I was responding to your question. Did you not get it?
Hi Brandie, it’s in moderation at present. Thank you.
And I trust no one, which is why it’s so easy for me to lie right to a person’s face. “I love that shirt on you”, usually means (if I say it) that I just don’t have anything else to say to you, OR that I want you to give me a compliment in return. Either way, it’s me PLAYING AT being a nice person, because that’s what I’m told one is supposed to do at lunch/a dinner party/when meeting new people, one is supposed to be nice.
In dark times we must all remember – We will always have the ability to trust and love, even when betrayed, we can rise again. Whereas, narcissists will never have that ability or know the true pleasure and joy it can bring.
Don’t let them destroy the good in the world – leave them to their fear, fakery and misery, whilst we bask in the sunshine of an authentic life xx
Never again
That was beautiful! Reminded me of Harry Potter.
Hi HG, on the subject of an intermittent appliance, is my understanding correct , that this would be a series of ongoing one night stands with constant contact but just seeing this person with no real regularity. Would this person be a secret and be unlikely to be introduced to the narcissists friends or family as the girlfriend . Would this person think the narcissists is single or would they be aware that there is a more public girlfriend .
Hi Lisa, yes an intermittent appliance could well be utilised by means of occasional one night stands with repeated contact through other means. The fuel is drawn from the contact (say from messages etc) and then when there is a meeting a larger amount of fuel is gained from the sexual interaction.
This person would most likely be a secret (assuming there is a primary source) and yes, they would not be introduced to the family and inner/outer circles as friends.
The appliance may well be led to believe that the narcissist is single until such time as the narcissist decides that triangulating this person with the public primary source would be advantageous.
Freightening… 😳😳😳
..great post….very electrifying… the reason Tequila will be the queen to night for me….I never get drunk but tonight will be exeption…
My life. I had no idea what was going on. MAN, I was a mess. MUCH better now. He will always be the same. I, however, am learning to live life powerfully. Thank you, HG. I knew I wasn’t crazy. ❤️
You are welcome DDD. No you are not crazy, we just want you to feel crazy.
I have to say that he did break it off with me because he wanted to go play. He told me this but I am sure he was grooming his other victim ( the german in paris) while seeing me. He broke the trust as he said he loved me and then five hours later he changed his mind.
He also wanted to know if I really was financially stable. He wanted to actually see my account. He told me of his assets and you can look up the records of the properties and he was honest about all this.
I showed him my account with UBS. It is in a trust, no mother fucker can get to it with out three people agreeing. Myself, my sister and my son. Also I have instructions to my financial advisor that if anything is out of whack to put a hold on it all. My narc knew all this.
We we talked of joining forces, he talked of me selling my house and he felt intimidated as I have three times his worth. He would drop a hint of he would love to see if he could make some investments with a certain amount every month. I just looked at him, most likely crossed eyed.
As my friends say, only from my cold dead hands will you get my money.
Now, I will gladly take any money you will hand over.
I am generous but not stupid. I will buy dinner here and there.
I want to know why I am in Philadelphia alone, watching Rihanna rehearse right now? Seriously where you guys at? I trusted you. If you show up I’ll forgive you. Signed my drunk with work colleagues self! BTW, Rihanna is smokin’ hot! Trust me.
Because you didn’t give me heads up! I go to concerts all the time. This is my thing.
Just saw Jackson Browne. Most likely not your era but he is amazing! I finally got my hug from him and this was a bucket list item.
Going to see him in Colorado Springs next month too.
Her hands are a bit alien looking to me. But I really love the song RUDE BOY. ( A lawless urban boy who likes reggae music.) A lawless boy is all I want.
I like all her songs. I think in a very sexual manner with her music. DUH! She brings out the naughty in me.
I see what you did there…I’m toasting you with vodka and jager. Yum.
And now i am intoxicated!
“You are too trusting Elaine” lol…thanks for the second reminder HG, I did catch the first one thank-you, and thank-you for another great article. I’m a true cynic most of the time actually. Apparently unless they can get me to fall in love with them, I could always see right through them.
We all have a type we are attracted to. those types have an easier time capturing our hearts.
Even though I loved my family and spouse and yes myself (to a lesser degree) I knew what seemed off about my spouse, and family and even myself, so as soon as I recognized any one of those traits in others, my brain & stomach recognize the relationship. I can relate to Snow Whites comments here.
When we wake up and join the dots..,, so hard to accept…but the truth is it was NEVER the truth . Shocking to the core 😟
So been there. N2 could sell ice to someone who lived at the South Pole. Con man. Luckily my trust issues protected me when the chips were down. It could have been so much worse.
The lessons will keep being repeated until we learn. We all will get through this… Huggs
We all fell for the bullshit . it doesn’t make us stupid . We’re on this site because we’re wise! On the ball
Fool me you are 100% right about the red flags. Everything I have learned from you guys and HG will always be in the back of my head from here on out. I won’t let anyone use me again. Enjoy your weekend without having to look at your ex. ❤️❤️
Snow White in time you will learn to trust again yet with more discernment.
One thing I learned don’t rush things.
RMG
Thanks for the encouraging words. The next part of my life will be lived a different way.
I fell for it too. He made me feel like I was crazy for even suspecting. I feel like such a fool.
Just processing a very recent dating experience where past experience, fine tuned intuition and an arsenal of HG served to help me dodge the proverbial bullet.
Red flag # 1 – Too good to be true. He shared all my interests. He appeared deep and sensitive. Perfect gentleman, engaging…FUNNY.
Red flag but I was willing to give him benefit of the doubt with eyes wide open.
Red flag #2 – After second date, professes that he is “ready to take it to the next level and date exclusively”
Red flag to try and advance relationship after only such a short time. Doubts creeping in. I told him that, while I enjoyed what was unfolding, labeling the relationship as anything beyond exploration would be foolish. Slow down I said. His response seemed genuinely respectful, he apologized profusely for getting ahead of himself and promised to take it slow. He did not appear angry or put off by my important boundary.
I felt somewhat relieved, perhaps I had misjudged him. He wasn’t throwing a temper tantrum or acting out like a narcissist was he?
Next evening we exchanged texts. He asked if he could call me later that evening and I told him I would be free to talk after 9. at 7:45ish my cell rang and I saw his number on caller ID. I was confused why he was calling me much earlier than I specified and since I was busy, I let his call go to voicemail and forgot about it. He called me after 9 and we had a pleasant call and made plans to get together this weekend and we exchanged sweet goodnights, ect.
Next morning he sent me a delightful good morning text wishing me a wonderful day which I reciprocated. Around lunchtime, I remembered I still had not listened to his voicemail from the night before. I pressed play. He had clearly butt dialed me and I listened to a 2.5 minute muffled message with him very clearly kissing, laughing, bantering and laying out the compliments to a giddy female that was in very close proximity.
I texted him and said I had just gotten around to listening to his voicemail which was clearly a butt dial but your message “was crystal clear.” In under a minute he was texting “Oh really? Funny”. He immediately called – I did not pick up- he did not leave a voicemail. I then blocked his number. And that is that.
Point is, now I trust but not unwittingly. I pay attention to the difference between words and actions. My heart is indeed open but my feet are on the ground.
@bethany7337. I dont think that was a butt dial. I think it was carefully orchestrated like that. His way of punishing u for telling him the almighty one when and what time he can call u.
I think you are correct Jules for three reasons.
1. The lashing out as a consequence of you imposing a time when he ought to call you. He is the doer, not the done to.
2. He may well have been testing you also by seeing how you react.
3. Can you do butt dials any more? Aren’t most phones touchscreen now?
That has crossed my mind for sure. Not only for telling him when he could call but for putting up a boundary about moving the relationship firward too fast.
He could have called you to see if you would pick up your phone at time you said you would be unavailable, as a way to test you, then he may have not properly hung phone and you heard the truth of his behaviour inadvertently..a player, playing. Or he intentionally made it look accidental to show you what he felt you were missing by dictating time restraints to him. Either way, certainly sounds like you dodged another Narcisistic bullet. Keep that number blocked.
This shows the need to maintain insight, Intuition and awareness when dating again.
These examples from readers on their forays into the dating world post Narcissistic abuse Are valuable, to all readers to show that knowledge is power and not to ignore red flags.
I have chosen not to date any time soon, despite being a devout love devotee. I recognize the need to heal and then attract those who are genuine and right for me, not those who are attaching to the aspects of my self that have yet to heal. No one can steal my essence/ my soul….they have stolen, my love, my trust, my time, my self esteem. I am bent, but not broken. I will mend. We all will.
Thank you Bethany for Sharing your experience. It helps others to know that when armed with knowledge we can prevent abusers from perpetuating their harm upon us. That heeding the signs and your own Intuition are vital.
I’m glad my processing the experience may be a testament to the value of discernment as some of us venture out into the sea of prospects out there. My dating experiences post narcisstic abuse and having spent several years alone, awake and consciencely working on myself, reveal there is a lot of chum in these waters. ALOT.
One of the most beautiful insights of late is releasing the thinking that something defective in me is still drawing Narcissists my way and that I must still have yet more ️Healing to do or they wound not still be appearing. But I see now that all that was ever “wrong” was lack of awareness. I’m open. Im honest. I am engaging, curious. I am not guarded and bitter and defensive. My heart is loving and caring. Of course Narcs are always going to be knocking at my door and testing the waters! I think it must come as quite a surprise to them when that door gets abruptly slammed in their face because my awareness and self trust are turned way up…and shall remain so.
I believe it is vital to spend a good amount of time alone after what we have experienced. Learning about myself and processing the trauma I experienced has led me to feeling very confident that I can navigate the dating scene and prune out the weeds quickly. I still believe in love and do hope I will, for the first time in my life, experience love with a healthy man who respects me and himself and is grounded in self awareness. My devotion will always be to my own soul first and foremost. Only by honoring and living myself can I expand any true intimacy outward.
Interesting observations Bethany. When you make reference to there being a lot of chum out there, do you mean in terms of victims for narcissists to prey on? If so, presumably it is your increased an awareness that has enabled you to see how attractive many people are to our kind and that they are almost sat there floating in the sea waiting for us to glide by and take an interest.
IN your second paragraph I see that you have reached the conclusion that you are not the issue but rather that it was your lack of awareness as to who you were engaging with that has caused the problem. Now you know what you have dealt with and what to look for, your heightened awareness has allowed you to slam the door, as you have written. Do you think that your attractiveness to our kind was born of you possessing both a wound and also certain desirable traits? You have now closed the wound and all that remains instead are the desirable traits which of course attracts the attention of our kind, but now you know how to spot and avoid. Do you feel entirely confident that you can now prune out the weeds and do so without ripping up some flowers as well, as this is often the concern of people once they have taken possession of the weed killer!? I would be interested to know.
the questiom is not for me HG but I think this will always be difficult to know who is mirroring and who is real..,you can only wait until the mask falls.. because somewhen it does like you said.. and before the mask fell and fell and with no awareness you just tried to make it nice again. now you just now.. ” mask” .. its what I think..
Goodness me HG, you sound like my therapist!
Seriously though, your questions are compelling and cause me to further elaborate. Yes, indeed my attractiveness to Narcissists is borne of both the desirable traits I mentioned AND wound after compounded wound! I don’t believe these wounds ever fully close (some would disagree). I do believe we heal on a conscience level but scars do remain. It is this conscience awareness that is my protection against predators who are not only drawn to empathic and other desirable traits but also can sniff out the tiniest drop of blood and have laser eyes that magnify those scars and seem to, on some ethereal level, identify a good target.
I have considered that I may be trigger happy and pull the gun too soon on a good guy exhibiting bad behavoir but bad behavoir IS bad behavoir. At this juncture, I won’t tolerate it.
Thanks for elaborating Bethany, I like to learn more as well.
You will Bethany. pray with faith and passion. 💝
Wonderfully stated Bethany, yes, do not change who you are because of them. I agree. Narcissists will hone in and try to attach..then they will blame us for being too real, or strong or independent. Always remain loving, it is a blessing to be able to retain love after being abused or harmed by others,
Another uncomfortable truth is that i find certain Narcissists (before they reveal their less than appealing traits) to be very attractive- on that ethereal level I mentioned. It must go both ways. It’s difficult but I hope not impossible to reprogram the arousal template put in place long ago by those early wounds. I am determined to enjoy pure vanilla ice cream.
Yes MCN, I can still say On the surface was the sweetest man in some respect I. Have ever known and sensitive as well, he truly deceived me in all ways. Love is blind. Well, it was.
French vanilla is one of my favorite, even cherry vanilla.
I love you analogies Bethany.
He made me think he couldn’t trust anyone because of being hurt so badly by his ex.! Of course I was fool enough to believe him!! When he said see how much I trust you, I’ve never trusted anyone like I do you! Smh! I fell for it!!
You are not the first and you will not be the last.
Im sure of that. As long as there are narcs and empaths there will always be more.
Fool me, I was told the exact same thing and I believed every word too!!
I think we all pretty much fell for it at one time or another Snow! But now we know to trust those red flags when we see them! Thanks to HG. Have a good weekend Snow. Do something nice for yourself that you will enjoy. Xx
And all of what you just described makes me not want to trust anyone. I think everyone wants something from me and wants to control me. That breaks my heart.
It’s completely normal what you’re going though, your defences are up. Keep learning and eventually you will reach a place where you know who you can or can’t trust I promise xx
Alexis, thanks for the love❤️❤️❤️ I do grow stronger every day with everyone’s help here.
She stole your trust because she intended to, that is not your fault at all. Being a loving and trusting person is a blessing. Being guarded with your trust and ensuring it is now earned, is wise, Snow White. Sadly, there are many People out there with nefarious motives, such as narcissists who will use anything against you or towards you to achieve their purpose. Trust yourself, most of all. Trust your intuition.