No Time for Time
Oscar Wilde mentioned in Dorian Gray that everything was possible since he had beauty and youth. I am very much of that mind set and accordingly the thought of becoming old fills me with revulsion. Horrifically I do not have to apply my imagination to this scenario (and to be frank I would not do so) because I need look no further than my Uncle Robert. He stands in front of the mirror and rants at the cruelty that is reflected back at him. His withered frame a reminder that he is no longer the uber mensch he has always maintained that he was. (He certainly seemed that way when I was a child. I do not remember the details but I do remember his stories about his adventures and achievements. They seemed spectacular and exotic. So tantalising). Now he realises that the charm which he once exuded has worn thin and does not have the allure it once had.
Every day brings a physical or mental insult and he realises that he is becoming a burden on those around him. He will not accept this transition with any grace. Indeed, he refers to his peers as old men but not ever himself. He regards himself as far younger, indeed, I often hear him repeating the things which I say. It is evident to me as the autumn of his life envelopes him that he wishes to remain reflected in my summer sun.
The tricks,the smoke and the mirrors that he once deployed with consummate expertise have deserted him or is it that a lifetime’s exposure to them have enabled those who were on the receiving end to create some kind of immunity to them ? Do they now see through the magic he once was able to weave about him? His deceit and bile are more evident that ever and I know he rarely receives visitors these days, they seem to think that there is little point in being subjected to his put-downs and insults.
His razor-sharp mind has become dulled, probably addled from the excessive alcohol he regularly indulged in (and probably still does) and the noble features have become craggy and distorted. He cannot summon the charm and sophistication to lure people into his world and instead has to rely on provocation, savageness and acidic accusations. His potency has been exhausted and try as he might to scramble away, he is sinking inexorably towards mediocrity and averageness.
I rarely see him but he regularly telephones me and I indulge him allowing him to rage down the telephone line about his injurious state arising from his dilapidated condition. It is worth listening as some of his fury contains choice, vintage lines which I write down for later use. Those barbed words when allied to my youthful charm and brilliance will work marvellously.
Uncle Robert never considered what would happen when madame time outstrode him and his current condition serves as a salutary lesson to our kind. Narcissists do not generally age well. Fortunately, I have been able to see into the future and I can ensure that I do not fall victim to Uncle Robert’s fate, but then, I have always been cleverer than him haven’t I?
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My Mother is in her late seventies now. I went NC with her when she was 70. On the years prior she would always flirt outrageously with my boyfriends. Quite honestly they couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Once on holiday she became convinced that one of the waiters fancied her, he was staring at her agog at how she was dressed and behaving.Really the only thing he could have been thinking was “That is some crazy looking old lady..”
My mother was once a beauty queen, and in her head that’s what she still looks like. Long live denial.
This post prompted me to watch the movie again tonight. I had seen it a few years back. In doing so I wanted to post a response and speak directly to the man behind the books, this blog.
I see you as the character Dorian Grey. I feel at times, reading this blog, that perhaps you see yourself in this character.
I want you to know I hope you can find some sort of redemption within yourself. Not from others, there is no need.
No, I am not a narcissist, but I have my own demons, thank you very much. I can not understand what you can not feel. But if I was you, I would work my ass off to change something up because it will make you a bitter, unattractive man. These things come through with age. It just happens this way and no plastic surgeon will be able to fix this.
I don’t know what you look like in real life, but I have grown to have a great respect for your work on this blog. I would hate to think of you becoming a hideous monster on the outside too. (I am such a visual creature)
I am not an empath as it might seem from my post.
I am tired right now, but it really did strike a cord.
“Why, my dear Basil, he is a Narcissus, and you– well, of course you have an intellectual expression and all that. But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face.”
“The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid. Look at the successful men in any of the learned professions. How perfectly hideous they are! Except, of course, in the Church. But then in the Church they don’t think. A bishop keeps on saying at the age of eighty what he was told to say when he was a boy of eighteen, and as a natural consequence he always looks absolutely delightful.”
(my golden Child’s favorite passage)
He would read it to me on a regular basis.
My N does not drink nor smoke. He did say one time to me “can you imagine what I would be like if I drank?”
Smoking is a deal breaker, no matter who you are. In my entire life, I dated one smoker. I was 22 years young.
I was such a bitch. They would stop for me if they wanted me bad enough and they did. 🙂
Time will not be unkind to you HG, time has suckled you and embraced you. You will outlive your time and remain timeless.
HG, uncle Robert and uncle Peter, are they both your mothers brothers? And both Narcissists like your mum….What must there childhood been like then?
I knew my mothers childhood and why she was how she was. Her father , no doubt.a Narcissist himself. I never met him, he died when my mum was 13 of a brain aneurysm on Halloween night. He was a incredibly handsome man you mums account and many photos , wealthy, charming and by all accounts a cad…..and a drinker and a gambler. He had his wife raise the child of his mistress as her own, my mother. When he died suddenly he left his wife and child in debt, as he squandered money with his wily ways. My grandmother, had to turn their huge home into a bed and breakfast. The relationship with my mum and grandmother was strained, my mother never knew why till she was in her thirties, and after my grandmother died. Or so she told me. My mother was also abducted by the local pedophile as a child. The stories are endless, my mum wanted me to write a book for her…these are the things I knew, imagine the things I did not. My mother was blessed to have a man like my father love and devote his life to her. My father was not so blessed, but he stayed with her till her dying day. Co dependently devoted. Presenting me as a girl, is the ideal man, one who loves you unconditionally and will never leave you. But, no man has ever existed for me that way.
Do you ever wonder or question what your mum or uncles childhood was like HG? To get clues into why yours was the way it was? I think because I knew my mother felt so much pain and anger from her past she continuously blamed and lashed out at those who were closest to her, her family. I hated how my mother was, but I still loved her and I stood up to her, only to be beaten down every time. I never got the love or the closure I sought from My mother, not even in the end. I hope for your sake HG, you receive your closure. Then you release it and let go.
Your premise to this article made me think of the novel. Oscar Wilde is one of my most favourite writers.
I searched the book for a passage that struck me, this is it HG. Just as you wish for your appliances to yield to you and submit, to not resist. To obey. I guess my soul shall evermore remain in the state of longing. Whereas yours shall evermore roam free.
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful. It has been said that the great events of the world take place in the brain. It is in the brain, and the brain only, that the great sins of the world take place also. You, Mr. Gray, you yourself, with your rose-red youth and your rose-white boyhood, you have had passions that have made you afraid, thoughts that have filled you with terror, day-dreams and sleeping dreams whose mere memory might stain your cheek with shame — “
Yes they are both maternal uncles and they are narcissists like MatriNarc. Uncle Peter likes to think he is clever but he is more street smart than out and out academically bright, he is a pugilist and a slugger. Lots of heated fury. Uncle Robert is more like MatriNarc – extremely bitter, cold fury. He is the eldest. You will get to meet them all in the upcoming works – if you can handle it!
I do not concern myself with the childhoods of my mother or my uncles because the focus is so much on my own. Moreover, there is no way I am going to ask them about their childhoods. They would love the attention and anyway they will feed me a mass of lies. I have an alternative way of discerning what went on but now is now the time for me to go down the route, that is part of my Grand Design to bring down MatriNarc. You will all be kept posted as it is revealed.
Do you write much anywhere here on your brother? Your sister? Your relationship with them and views on them. I’m interested in this piece too. Your dad?
You can read more about my sister in Chained. There are snippets concerning my brothers and my father in the Confessions books and the alliterative titled books as they contain additional family material. There will be plenty more as well on my family and the relationships in MatriNarc, Little Boy Lost:The Creation of a Narcissist and Little ACONs.
Don’t forget though Indy I am the star of the show.
Of course you are the star, ⭐️it’s the only reason why I want to know about them 😉
Can’t wait for the new books!
Thank you.
Plus, I suspect you have a soft spot for your brother. I mean, who could resist someone with the charm that includes saying says “cool beans”? That’s wicked awesome if you ask me!
Ha ha, he has his uses I suppose.
Little ACONs! This is exciting too! We can never forget you are the star! It is you who has done all of this, for your legacy but, due to our benefit from it, we can never forget!
My N is getting older too. At one point in time he looked like a cute….. Uh what ever. He smokes and drinks too much. We shall see how well father time is to him. I can imagine that this amount of stress with definitely age you. You reap what you sow. Retribution is coming… Not from me but from fare. He will try this again he may not survive it.
Dear G. … oh dear G…
who is G?
“Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many.”
-Unknown
This is true, Narckryptonite, but nonetheless, it is a very bad joke on us all. Growing older hurts. You ache, your skin loses its elasticity, your hair will thin and your vision changes.
Your mind is not as sharp. And this is what happens to the ones that really live a healthy lifestyle.
I know first hand what a decade can do.
It’s a matter of perspective, I believe. I believe that burying someone who should have been given the opportunity to grow up/older hurts more than the betrayals of old age.
Of course it hurts if it is someone you love. The youngest family member that we lost was 34. She died of cancer and her story was told on a show Hopkins 24/7 and Oprah. She left behind 4 young children. circa 2000.
Are you afraid of death? Do you think there is life after death? Heaven/Hell?
LOVE YOUR NAME>
Thank you. I focus on living. 🙂 Fear is wasted energy and is rooted in the ego.
Men who dress impeccably, who are fit, trim and well styled look good at any age. I think you can carry it off, HG. I’ve seen quite a few elderly gentlemen in their ’70’s that are quite attractive, sophisticated & debonair. Grey hair can be quite charming on a man.
Your Uncle Robert let the bitterness get to him. That doesn’t have to happen to you.
He lost the game. You’ll win. You always do.
I think the point here is that the bitterness of the Narc will age you prematurely and it will show on the outside what it is on the inside.
Makes complete sense, HG. Mortality is the ultimate criticism to your omnipotence.
I will say this, there is something utterly sexy about a man that is comfortable in his own skin at any age. That charisma shines. The eyes have it. However, if its hollow charisma, shadows of time are cast more harshly.
Curious about the quotes you wrote down on uncle Robert that you will use when you are a mature 29 😉
The Narc I know was such a very handsome man in his youth and forties. I would look at him and see the beauty he once had. I have seen the aging in him and it is rapid. He will be 60 in October. His hair is white and he is getting the bishop hat, you know the bald spot.
I now know I am the one with more time on earth on this blog. But I have do not drink often, nor smoke. These are some of the keys to looking more youthful. I also was a member of the lucky sperm club with great skin. Both my parents had wonderful skin. I always had a youthful look.
Good skin care is important. Do not use heavy makeup and very rarely use foundation.
Yes HG we all age, it is just how we age that matters.
So true, Steeviann. I was with my first N when he was in bis 30s. I was a young college kid. He was conventionally good looking but age was creeping in. He showed me a picture of when he was my age at the time. He was breath-takingly gorgeous and I asked him why he wanted anything to do with me. I saw him a few years back and he looked awful, but he was still creeping around the campus. As I reflect, he was probably looking for people that were young, so he could keep his youth at least on his arm.
Second N was charming. He looked much older than me even though he is only three years older. Once when we were at his house, I was inside preparing dinner while he was heating up the grill. The next door neighbor girl came over and asked if his “daughter” wanted to hang. He was furious. HG is making me understand oh so much. The pieces are falling into place.
My husband feared getting older, he never did thou.
Do you think that as Narcs age, the quality and type of fuel they seek changes? For example, instead of beauty or attractiveness, they seek more material comforts? Does mid-life crisis enter the picture?
I think that there is a greater need for the residual benefits than there would be when younger. The need for fuel remains but with certain schools there is a trade off between lesser fuel (remaining with the primary source for longer, less triangulation etc) and the increased benefit of the residual benefits (somewhere to live, somewhere to do chores and care etc). Of course the Greater would just look to trade in for a younger model and hire help if required.
Omgosh…N1 is likely still doing that. I’m learning.
Spot on piece, so true
Whack-job Bob is losing his nob, poor bud.
My sister also termed my Narc *the creature*….
Do you want to be like him? Yes or no?
I am me. I am not like anybody else.
Good answer. I will equate that with no. Please dont be checking yourself in the mirror, looking at those wrinkles and grey hairs, should they sprout out in various places…not on your head bc you are as bald as a coot, right?
I dont know Benjamin Bottoms. I know Breaking Benjamin. You’re so cold….tell me how it ends…it’s alright. Tell me how defenseless you really are…
You must of had a very good teacher!! 😘
I did.
Mom?
Superior to her.
You are at least acknowledging it, even though you have to for legal purposes. She on the other hand isn’t acknowledging anything. If she read this, I’m sure she would disagree that you are the superiour one. I’m not getting into the “who is a better n” if it comes down to a throwdown.
I don’t know your Uncle Robert. You are growing older just like the rest of us, and perhaps forgetful as well. It happens. Deal with it.
Sorry, who said that?
You are growing older…deal. Tick tock…
Did I tell you my name is really Benjamin Button?
Lol. Who said that? I never claimed to be anyone. Maybe the voice in your head. You are still growing OLD…like 40 something or not…but you will be…. Btw, since you are infatuated with the 80s, there is a slot called Time Warp on 89x. CIMX.
Ok HG! I’m going out there and hoping you won’t follow in his footsteps, not because your smarter or better at it then he was! But because you are trying to set yourself free from the creature and will not end up all alone and bitter like him!!! I believe in you! Do you believe in you?? Xxx
I have total and utter belief in me.
That’s a very good boy!!! 😉
I always am. I was taught to.
Is the belief to defeat the beast once and for all? I understand that you seek fuel from outside yet maybe the richest purest form resides within you. Your writings always bring me back to the poet Rumi:
“Do you know what you are?
You are a manuscript of a divine letter.
You are a mirror reflecting a noble face.
This universe is not outside of you.
Look inside yourself;
everything that you want,
you are already that.”