Icing on the Awake
The bedroom is one of my favourite rooms. One of my ex-girlfriends used to call it the torture chamber. Another called it the freezer. Their appellations amused me. I don’t like to be touched. Dr O has suggested this is because that touch reminds me too much of what I am missing. I laughed at her remark. I prefer not to be touched, so how on earth would I miss that? I soon learned in the bedroom however that there was an expectancy to touch and hold. At first I would go along with this ritual but I soon tired of it and the thought of ‘spooning’ made me gag. I then learned however that my dislike of being touched and touching was actual a very useful weapon. I initially refrained from touching purely because I did not like it. No more. No less. The person in bed with me however would make such a scene about it that I learned they had to be touched or held to affirm that I felt something for them. Accordingly, by withholding any form of contact this would really upset them. It was marvellous. I was able to turn an idiosyncrasy of mine into a tool to cause upset and distress. If I refused to cuddle up (I’m shuddering just typing that) then I would be met with loud sighs and pleading requests. This emboldened me to not even face their way. In fact, I would lie looking at them and then purposefully turn my back on them. Moments later the sobbing would start and I would feel the power flowing through me before I drifted off to sleep. From what they told me, they endured many a lonely night trying to sleep. If they tried to place an arm around me, I would shrug it off or if really irritated (and this was a body blow) I would get up and sleep in the spare room. I love doing this. Not only do I get to really isolate the other person but then I can criticise them in the morning for forcing me from my bed and into the spare room. That gives me a delightful boost as I butter my toast.
40 thoughts on “Icing on the Awake”
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Thanks HG. One more question… but he is kissing all of his other supply passionately during sex to seduce then correct? It’s not that he has lost interest in passionate kissing all together just with me?
Correct. It just with you as part of the devaluation.
My ex would never leave the bed. He would often turn his back to me because “he was stressed” I thought sex was a stress reliever? Although he had stopped kissing me intimately years ago. Even though we continued to have amazing sex he seemed to have lost the passion? Why did this happen? His kisses became pecks and non existent during sex.
The “passion” you witnessed was feigned during seduction in order to entice you. By withdrawing the intimacy he was also manipulating you. read Sex and the Narcissist for much more on this.
We could work with that, somehow…I mean, it’d be really, really tough, but… I’ve been conditioned for so long to “make things work”. I am also very imaginative and creative. I could make a doll that looks just like you and hug him, instead. This way, I would not have to bother you.
Ohhh. I did not know this about Narcissists. It’s okay.
“You’ve been cold to me so long, I’m crying icicles instead of tears”
One of my all time favourite lyrics. Strangely I have never experienced this issue with any of the narcs I’ve been involved with.
I thrive on touching. I’d be all over you like a rash HG…bet that gave you the shivers!!
Not if it was the seduction CR12.
Yeah, but that’s not the real you, HG!
Cuddling was only to initiate sex if I did not respond properly and promptly then the back faced me, (I too cried many tears, and this irritated him greatly and no comfort was given, I learned to cry silently) I was told I can’t cuddle you unless you perform, I can’t just hold you, if it wont lead to sex, there is no point. I was pestered every night, and punished in many ways HG has described in several posts, if I refused. Everything was on his terms, he loved foot rubs, back rubs, “other rubs” if he got what he wanted then touch and affection was returned, otherwise he cared little about what I wanted. I wanted to be left alone, to have a night of rest, or a break from having sex everyday for weeks, this angered him so much, I was put through hell for not reciprocating or performing on demand, he would never sleep in another room, and if I tried he would come after me and force me back in bed, that was absolutely not allowed. His favorite threat in bed was to ask me “Do I need to find a girlfriend?”
Omg I totally see where You coming from. Sex three or more times a night every night for years for me was exhausting until the golden period finished and he began devaluation … Then I had my rest…and like you said there was never JUST a cuddle. It was ALWAYS leading to sex. I even once asked him: why not just cuddle and sleep. And he said: I need to feel You always. …if I have refused for a health reason (I had a tumor) or any other he’d be furious or treated me with silent treatment… well ..now sex got a different meaning for me 🙂
Sex for me has turned to something very uncomplicated, refreshing, rejuvenating, safe and comforting, mutual, and drama free, it makes a huge difference when you are properly matched.
Maddie, are still with yours or were you able to escape?
That is not Your bedroom the mirrors are missing 🙂 btw it would melt in a second once I was in there…
I like to be touched, just not in that loving, gentle way.
If, after sex, all you feel like doing is cuddling or spooning, you`re doing it wrong.
That bed would never be able to withstand my heat, I`m afraid. I am the opposite of ice – I burn everything and everyone who touches me.
Yes my X had a hard time with touch, once in awhile he would ask me to come lay on couch with him ( only lasted maybe 15-30 minutes) then he would say ok go back to your space. My question is why is it because you never had touch as a child or is there something else HG ?
Hello Maureen, I am learning that I have not been taught the use of or value of intimacy. It is alien to me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I can override it for certain accomplishments but the sensation remains the same.
I’m sorry HG it’s a wonderful feeling and I pray one day you can feel the real because we are all on this earth together yet all different and maybe you will like it or maybe not ✌️💜
I wish that too for him. It would also allow a feeling of safety with someone. Those we have real intimacy with, we usually trust. At least to begin to feel comfortable with in small doses would be a huge step.
I think this room suits you. Beautiful in a unique and different way
It also means no heating bills otherwise it all melts!
You are correct – not only economical but maybe even therapeutic as it may be the only time you would EVER NEED to cuddle to preserve body heat although you seem like the mind over matter type…OR the HORRIBLE would happen and the bed would freeze you and your love captress together for what feels like being forever entertwined…that could be epitome of the love bomb gone SERIOUSLY wrong – there may not be enough fuel available from ANYONE to make up for that one!
Oh, I think you bring the heat!
Indeed I do.
Don’t like touch either. Cant work out if it is just a normal response or from having to hug NM whenever she wanted.
Even if I objected, she would typically say ” I will if I want to”. As I have been trained to have the assertiveness skills of a dead gnat, I of course grit my teeth and suffer it.
I feel suffocated and trapped and not in control if I have to hug anyone for more than a few seconds. Mouth kissing feels the same. I just don’t like it. Feels like I am losing myself.
Like HG, I don’t feel deprived as I have no clue what pleasurable hugging or cuddling should feel like.
I know all that now. I wouldn’t force You. Your personal space as much as dislike to being touch shall be respected x
So would this typically be a trait of all narcs or just happen to be a You thing?
It is a common feature of the behaviour of our kind, KD.
Interesting… I can’t stand being held through the night. Believe it nor not the N would hold hold me because the Sig one needed to be wrapped up in his arms. I love my space. Plus I get too hot. Guess I am too use to sleeping alone which is fine for right now.
I didn’t know what to think the first time that she rolled over to face away from me. Another example of something so foreign to me. Why would she want to upset me? It was cruel. On the weekends that we went away, it was a guarantee that one of the nights would end in her turning away from me. I would always ask “what’s wrong”? Just like HG said, it ended in tears for me and another victory for her. If I would have known then what I know now.
What about a back rub or massage? DN loved to smother me. Arm, leg, everything all over me. I actually hated it, truly felt smothered. I am queen of the back rub! Helps everyone fall asleep much better, and who doesn’t like a back rub? It’s only temporary touching for about ten minutes until we both fall asleep.
Oh, lord. Yes, yes, yes. My ex to a T. It was so hard on me. I love spooning and touching. He definitely did not. He showed normal levels in the first few months though later used it to his advantage. I suspected it was from physical or possible sexual abuse in childhood. However, another possibility is touch sensitivity as well. Some people have this, like some with an autism spectrum or sensory disorders too. Certain clothing textures, temperatures, etc. some, it’s more related to emtional closeness issues and being smothered in childhood. Lots of possible causes. I’m opposite. I Love touch, smells,tastes, sounds…visuals…all of it.
I’ll let a man do some…let’s say non-traditional things (as in kinky, not Vanilla). He wants to spank my ample ass with a hairbrush, that’s just fine, I say “Harder, Daddy”. He needs to put his big right hand around my throat, I’m good with that. And so on and so forth. But when play time is over and he wants to cuddle…Houston, I have a problem. See, I believe I’m entitled to my ME time after (as in, “oh, sweetie, we both climaxed, now get off me so I can smoke my cigarette in peace”). And men are quite weirded out by a woman who doesn’t want to cuddle.
I’ve always said, if you worked yourself out right, both parties should collapse sweaty and out of breath into the pillows to go to sleep. Not a cuddler either.
Agree! I am exhausted!
I have not met one yet that is into the cuddle while we fall asleep. Unless he is a Narc and he is love bombing.
Word play is foreplay….aphrodisiac.
“You’re as cold as ice
You’re willing to sacrifice our love
You never take advice
Someday you’ll pay the price, I know”
MN was cold and specific in bed..MCN was purrfect and passionate In every possible way. The bedroom is never cold when you have two pleasers, even if one is faking it for the fuel.
Wow, HG that bedroom would make anyone frigid. Remind me to not take the Devil to bed there….is that a four poster bed? insert euphemism here lol
I prefer to not be hugged as I fall asleep. But a leg touch is fine.
Well well well , now I am convinced I know you very well HG!
Being touched is the one thing I don’t like either, yet i am sure for different reasons.
Oh HG!! You’ve gone from A very good boy to a very bad boy all in one post!! Smh! Actually having a bed all to myself is rather nice!!!😜