The Doormat
The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidence by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.
Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?
- The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
- This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
- The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
- The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
- The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
- The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
- The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
- The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
- The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
- The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.
95 thoughts on “The Doormat”
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Very interesting.
Both me, my father and my aunt, have always been this kind of thin, nervous, Stockholm syndroming doormats, always, always asking if everyone is ok. One roommate of mine once asked if i would apologize for my existence as well …
I believe this similarity between dad and aunty and me, is cause by the fact that we all spent many years of our lives with my mother.
Hi PM, I couldn’t respond to your response to me and teread your message. I think some narcicists do beg and cry, particularly the victim type. Mine was a blend of cerebral and victim (alcoholic that wanted rescuing). I think pure cerebrals are less likely to beg and show a big emotional display. And, I think you are right, if there is fuel lined up, there is less pleading and more control. Mine didn’t have a second one lined up, he was at bottom. I wish you a wonderful rest of your weekend!!! Hugs and NCE here for 9 days. I actually think he will leave me be after this closure call. But, I’m guessing there is doubt based on stats of narcicist behavior to always come back.
Thank you so much, mlaclarece… <3 Tamara Yancosky Moore is not my real name, either…but, rather a family member who is my identical twin. But, she is always playing practical jokes on me, so she shouldn't mind that I have been using her name on everything. I know how dangerous the Internet can be. She won't mind. She lives in a different country.
Wow. Your understanding is accurate, I can not argue. Although I do believe that some shape of love is involved in some “doormats”. A kind of love that you would sacrifice all to see another happy. The fact that you are sharing your insights amazes me and makes me wonder if you are trying to help us heal. Whatever your motive is, thank you. Knowledge is power.
HG love this one, for a while thought I was a doormat, not going to bore you with reasons why, yet coming here and reading, more then writing, (due to time needed with other obligations) has been enlightening. Helped get me through a moment of extended silence so to say and find my way back to myself. Your articles are very thought provoking.
You remind me of a Hunter providing all the necessary information for his little ones to protect themselves.
HG you remind me of a man I admired and loved deeply, never thought I would admire another to that degree again, yet I find I do.
Doesn’t matter your reasons for starting all of this, your doing amazing things between your books and here. You said in another your an instrument to weed the strong from the weak, you are, yet you are even providing a way for healing to start.
You started something amazing, look forward to seeing the changes you are bringing. You are defiantly one of a kind.
Wait..but, you are a Sociopath, and Sociopath’s lie… Perhaps, my comments are public.
Hi Tamara! I have been on here for exactly a year now and have been able to keep my presence here completely separate and private from my social media life. Obviously my name is not really Clarece for extra precaution. I can tell you are concerned and I wanted you to feel at ease.
Wait…are these comments public?
Only to those on the blog
Thank you for your reply <3 I just was wondering in case the Narc's troops Google my name at all. I just want to stay clear of them when it comes to my comments. I do not wish for any trouble to them, or from them.
Oh…thank You. Silly me. but You don’t seem as You are gaining fuel from Her as much as You used to dear G, or am I wrong?
I so love this blog site; it’s not like Facebook, and full of judgement and backbiting. I deactivated my FB site, but then activated it again, because my dad asked my where it went. But, I rarely go on there, anymore.
Two reasons why this a superior site Tamara.
1. Me.
2. The readers and commenters are intelligent, understanding and articulate (because of me – can’t let them get too big headed as after all it is all about me.)
I am pleased you feel that way.
Haha…yaaaa. Thanks, Mr. HG Tudor.
It’s true. one person on one site came soooo close. Had your wit and charm…kinda. But the frequency of the posts. You are the best and I read nowhere else, now.
You inspire me to be snarky and let it out…even at you. Not sure if that is good.
You are welcome. It is naturally fuel for me.
Yay! HG is pretty stellar! You’re amount G friends!
That should say among friends. (Eye roll for auto correct).
Yes!
Tamara, I think you`ll find that there is no one out there like HG. Believe me, I`ve looked and I can say, without a doubt, he is the only one of his kind doing anything remotely like this.
It`s brilliant. And I have a feeling it`s only just the beginning.
I can not argue with your comments B&T.
haha, no Sir.
I do so agree with you, bloodandthunder. Are we not fortunate to have him guiding us? I think so! I really, really do. I just love him!
As you should, Tamara. We are so very very fortunate – couldn’t agree more.
<3 <3 <3
I’ve been accused but it is farthest from the truth. I am easygoing and I do like to please people. I do have many of the traits…but not a doormat. Things that will stop things in their tracks.
No means no. I have a dirty mind and will and joke about lewd and crude. Also I will be hour sounding board without judgement. It is what it is. You are human and have things that you want to say. I will listen. That doesn’t make me easy. Don’t you ever forget it.
I will never scream and yell when I tell you I won’t do something…like say put my signature on mortgage papers for a house we can’t afford. I may tell you 5 or 6 times. When the time comes, I just won’t do it.
Same with setting a wedding date.
On a lighter note. Don’t try to scare me into buying a car that isn’t red bc it won’t happen, even if my car is on its last wheels. The white, blue or black won’t do. I will make like Wilma Flintstone and push the effer to the next dearlership.
I hope Rachael realizes that she is worthy. What would be her breaking point? You say it would be bad for her. It would be worse for you all bc she wouldn’t be under your spell.
Her breaking point has yet to be seen 1jaded.
Who’s Rachael? Have I missed any book??
That’s my sister, mentioned in Chained, Maddie.
I was not a doormat but that fucker stole my doormat that was on my front step! Hahaha!!! Like Oooooo that’ll teach me!
The utter rascal!
I am stunned. This was quite the profound read. I grew up with my father always saying “earn your keep”. Meaning always show your appreciation for those around you and with him that meant demonstrating through your acts. What counters that though, is you then have such high expectations of what other people should be doing for you, they always fall short leading to disappointment. It definitely creates within someone that they are only worthy of love by what their output is.
I know you don’t like the doctors reading your blog. In this case though, I think they would be really proud of you. I could not have seen you writing this piece even 6-8 months ago. The insight and awareness you are gaining in your journey with them is so apparent with how you are relating it to your past relationships and to your family, especially your sister. I bet it would be a really positive experience to share this one with the doctors.
With what you are seeing in your sister, I know you don’t do “support”. But it’s like you really see her the way no one else does, especially with mom wringing her out like a dishrag. You could be her Super fan. It would probably boost her confidence if she knew her brother thought she really was a strong person.
Really nice job!!
Wow!! I also seen myself in many of those listed! It’s amazing how much I have learned about myself while learning about narcissism. Your right B&T it is a horrible way to have lived! But when it starts when you are very young ( 3 ) it is all you know. It is what you have been taught. Just like the Narcassist we have to find are way to survive.
He got angry because I refused to be his doormat. He kept trying to wipe his dirty feet all over me, but I would not allow him, so he raged.
HG, Well written and very educational for those of us that have traits of being a giver and have a hard time receiving. I particularly was interested in your analysis from item 7! I think you are onto something here. Indeed, there is a mutual taking for some. Your kind may borrow traits and experiences from us as we do from you (just differently for different goals). Thus, the intense magnetic draw, each puzzle piece with it’s notches/wounds fits the other.
Indy how are you feeling after breaking NC?
I think we’ve all done it and more than once.
Hi Mallgood,
Thanks for asking, it’s hard. I feel like I opened up some sadness from grieving what I thought it was. Hearing him plead, admit fault and cry, admittedly broke my heart. And, I knew it was a method to get me back into the mix and I held strong. I’m proud that I was able to hold strong and not give in to meeting or his request for a second chance or working it out. I was firm on not contacting further me as well, which was SO hard as he pulls the sympathy card so well. Saying all the things he thinks I want to hear, apologizing up and down, and thanking me for this last call. I loved and still love him and I know it’s not healthy to be with him and I love myself more today than 2 months ago. I’m sad for his journey and mine as well….and I will heal. I hope he does, though I can’t hang on to see that happen. I wish him peace, truly.
Ultimately, I feel conflicting feelings of love, loss, and sense of doing the right thing too. I needed somewhere in me to have this conversation to release guilt. Now I’ve said my peace, let him say his and we said goodbye. I hope he honors my direct request for NC now.
It’s a tearful night, though it’s right. Day 1 NC, my name is Indy and I’m a recovering Narcaholic. 💕 how are you holding up? X
Indy I know it’s hard. When I’ve gone through that I find and force myself to do something that adds to my self worth and self love. What yours just did with the sympathy and false admitting of his issues is typical since they learned when they were with us what our vulnerabilities were. Empathy and compassion are one of our “selling points” when it comes to them targeting us from the start. I’m projecting here because that was the only thing that got me to stop ignoring and hating them was when they showed their human side. Now that I accept they use that to try to manipulate it doesn’t get to me anymore.
I’m doing great..thank you for asking! Lots of fun events coming up and I’m finally getting to move back to where all of my friends are located in the next month. All of these events and friends I didn’t have or pushed aside when I was with either N. Everyone and everything was a threat to them. Now I can do and see whoever I want whenever I want 😊
This is so sad to read – especially 4 and 10. I was the family scapegoat. (The photo made me laugh, though.)
My motto is MY WORLD MY RULES.
This is why all my people were surprised this man got the best of me. I was so pissed I lost and he had the upper hand. I was never his doormat though. I’m sure he has them and he does have a sister that he calls crazy.
I do not have doormats in my family. I can’t imagine. This doesn’t compute.
Sounds like a dysfunatal family to me. Welcome to reality. Who didn’t have dysfunction.
How many narcs in your family?
My father and brother in law were and are, in the sense they never challenged my mum or my sister and just do what they want to appease them and maintain a peaceful existence. I never did that I always question and challenge. I always assert my voice and my right. Yet, On the other hand, I always enjoy doing things for others. It is when it becomes an expectation and is wan of appreciation, I will stop and decline. Surely, being thoughtful and considerate does not make a doormat? Not to the extent of my father or brother in law?
Poetic, You live in the UK? You said, “Mum”. I live in US.
No, not UK, I do and have spend much time and years in UK, I have many friends and family there. And an ex husband. I have always used mum. Opposed to mom.
That’s sweet, Poetic <3
I do love Doormat’s blue shoes!
Such a sad read. My Mother’s generation (including my Mom) were primed to be doormats. I’m grateful things have shifted and young women are waking up.
I never fell in doormat category. codependent, overly empathic yes but I put my foot down (providing wonderful fuel I’m sure). When I left my N, my theme song became “These boots are made for walkin”
People pleasing can be deadly when you’re being trampled on.
Does a people pleaser have to be a doormat? I do things because I want to for others, not because I have to or feel obliged to do them. Does the fact I want nothing In return Then make me a doormat? Maybe it does. I do believe my difficulty saying No at times made me a doormat In the past. Even for MCN. He didn’t force me to be or to stay with him. I made that choice, Same when I chose to leave. I never saw myself as a doormat. Yet, I have so many traits, can those traits apply elsewhere then? It still leaves me questioning my level of co dependency. When I have left every abusive relationship. When I leave I never go back. As I will now never return to MCN. This one really makes me think and question, even more.
I don’t think people pleasing = doormat. In the same way that all sociopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths it could be deduced that not all people pleasers are doormats but all doormats are people pleasers.
Yes, Bethany, sometimes I do need it spelled out for me..that is it exactly. I am more a people pleaser then a door mat. A giver, not a taker. That analogy helped me rationalize it better.
I think all that matters is that you like and love yourself..all of yourself. If others see good traits as weak traits they are the ones who are lacking and lose out. 💜
I relate to the self questioning and am interested in the response from HG’s perspective as well.
I think that is the crus of my issues mallgood, loving myself. I think if I loved myself more, put myself first these men would not have attached to me. I am now focusing on myself, self love, self esteem, self worth. Still loving others, but seeing to myself as well. Thank you, I agree they are not weak traits xx
I think self questioning is important, to examine not only why others do as they do, but why we respond as we do, as well. Where a Narcissist may respond to envy and criticism, I respond to shame and disrespect. I know where it comes from, my childhood. What I need and am trying to work on is to not allow others to trigger those intense feelings within, so I no longer need to respond. It is all a learning experience, if we are willing to learn and understand ourselves. Self reflection is vital.
Be grateful for the lessons our past has given us with former narcissists in our lives, or current ones (ie HG). We all need a little bit of narcissism in our personality…its healthy when in moderation.
Go Girl!
Mallgood too, self love!!!!!!! <3 Cue Bob Marley vibes….its Friday!
Yes, one love for us…no woman, no cry for them…just kidding , they want us to cry 😏
Hi PM,
Confession: Well, I broke NC today, I responded to a text for my gate card that was to his place. I said I’d call him and arrange return. I gave minimal emtion in the text and he flooded me with love texts. I knew I made a mistake but I’m good to my word and called. I knew it would be hard. I knew it was a way to get me to return. I told myself that if it offers closure for him, I will feel better and I can assert that he is not to contact me. So, I did it. I called, told him I’d mail his card (he was disappointed and wanted to meet). I stood firm. He apologized and pleaded and cried. It was so heart breaking and I reminded myself to be strong. I told him this was the end and to respect my wishes, calmly. I wished him well on his recovery, therapy, etc. I felt I needed to do this for my peace. Again, his tears but I remained strong and he promised to not contact me. I told him if he did harass me further, I’d call police on him. He sounded defeated, tried to guilt me several times about giving up on our engagement, that I left “when the going got tough”. Admittedly, I put him straight and called BS, reminding him all the times I stayed. He agreed. Sure, there was some fuel for him, but I feel more at peace with my self. I’m sad. I Feel the sadness, the mourning of the relationship that wasnt and sad for his pain. However, I will not go back ever. I told him I don’t hate him, I want him to get well and we are over. Sighhhh….hard, and I resisted the pleads to meet, I stood strong, stayed calm, and was true to myself. I saw the selfishness, the lies, and the sad place he’s in.
Oh yes! I also told him he will NEVER GET KITTY. He agreed and apologized for going psycho on my messages and threatening me. I said OK, I wish you peace and after many attempts on his part to try to negotiate, I stood firm and said no.
Reinstating NC to heal…..I feel the power of this toxic wishful thinking and need to detox again…..going to do my nails and take a long soak…..feeling sad and strong.
Sorry for rambling on here, I just needed to get this out. I know it is a safe place here to do so and most grateful.
I understand, Indy the way and the need to just have some Ending or closure and the kindness I which you wish to afford him the same. You did what you had to and needed to do to end this for yourself and him. I wonder is that or al narc behaviour to cry and beg for you to return? MCN doesn’t do that, he never has. He reached out with a non descript how are you I miss you message, no pleading or crying or begging. But , he also hooked up his previously being used fuel lines…..maybe your ex, doesn’t have any other fuel and he is still hoping you would return before he sought fuel elsewhere..why he was frantic in all that messaging. Thank goodness he recognized he was wrong about kitty. That he admitted and aplogized. I on,y see good for this encounter Indy, positives…for you and maybe even Jim. He knows you do not hate him, you extended courtesy of contact to him as you promised. You can know try to heal and move in from him. I don’t think he will respect your wishes not to contact you. Not until he finds another fuel source.
I hope you can feel good this is done, it was a step you needed to complete, without guilt…well done….NC day I and counting ❤️
Exactly!
I’m so happy to hear you’re doing more work to raise your level of self love and self worth. It’s an ongoing process for me and always will be because the times I stop working on myself is when I start allowing minor things to slip by me or I ignore them.
Yes, mallgood, I stopped with him, as he said I didn’t need to change, I was perfect and he loved me just as I am. I figured he meant if I Change my fuel output may change in a diminishing fashion and that wouldn’t be good for him. He refused to consider any type of therapy, he was forced in late teens due to a psychotic breakdown for marijuana usage…and he was resistant to any form of mediation or therapy.
Yes, we need to refocus on ourselves.
PM mine said that the Doctor while he was in prison agreed with him that meds were pointless outside of an institution lol
PM, do not worry about the title ‘doormat’. It victimizes us and makes us seem weak. We are far from it… and as dear Mr. Tudor has stated, we ‘exhibit a different kind of strength’. It is hard for others to understand that we receive pleasure from giving.
Yes and thank you love . I always thought it was how we should be to give of ourselves to others who are in need. To give selflessly, wanting nothing in return. I do realize some take advantage of such things, and there becomes a chasm between appreciation and expectation. I can say no and stand my ground when some one tries to take advantage of my giving nature. Perhaps growing up and seeing my father so loving, supportive and giving and seeing my mother, so expecting, taking and wanting. I consciously chose the giving over the taking, as the moral right. I have been taken advantage of by some for how I am. But, yes, love. The way I am is not bad or hurtful. Maybe , I just need to receive more in conjunction with my giving.
Hi PM,
Since I have battled with putting others before me I felt compelled to respond to your questions with some things I am beginning to learn. I’m learning that we can be empathetic, be there for others and care for others without “pleasing”….tough love. We can also give pleasure to others with our full selves, only when we can receive it too. If we cannot receive, our gifts are shallow and unconsciously binding (if one is codependent). when we can give without expectation (of kindness, favor, love) because our hearts are full from our own filling is when we are free from the need to please, even if it is a positive outcome of your giving. Does this make sense? I’m not saying you are like this, I am speaking from my own needs to please that I have battled and improved some on….still working on it here.
That doormat cracked me up too, my humour is a bit morbid. And, yes, her shoes are sweet! Though, I’ll take my running shoes, thry get me farther 😉
Thank you Indy, this made me think. For me I don’t intend to please, I never think if I do this they will have this reaction, I just innately do it. I never need be asked. Because I always do it in my own, because I want to. It then turns into an expectation of others. Where if at some point I am unable to do or help, I get chastised or lambasted and thusly feel immense guilt. Then wonder why I am I guilty, I could t do it…why are they angry at me for expecting g me or do it. It becomes a viscious cycle. Of me wanting to do a dhelp others, to others the becoming conditioned to expecting my help. If this makes any sense. I never do it with any expectation of return or pay back. The joy is in the giving. But, yes, why do I have difficulty receiving? I can on,y surmise it is because that ai am not ga liar as much with that aspect of give and take. As. A giver, am am conditioned to the take and receive response of others, but not of myself. So. In receiving, I then I externalizer guilt. Which is an irrational response. I do recognize all this is myself. I self reflect and dissect continuously. But. Still I find it hard to break theses patterns of behaviour. As ai always say, I am a work in progress. But , often I think I am the book that never gets written. Or the one we always intend to read, yet it still sits upon the shelf.
I think, I know why I give, it is not for want. But, I also think, the guilt I associate with the expedition that can be placed upon me to continue giving, is worth looking into. I am much better now, then before. I think in the mutuality of give and take…I do want a balanced and equal interaction. I seem to attract far too many takers. Maybe I need to be selective in my giving. So much to think on.
Yes, on the image. I recall as child, maybe eight years old, going to canvass houses for school fundraiser. This house had a door mat that read, all are welcome. As I rang the door bell and looked down reading the mat and smiling. A man answered the door. I assumed he would be kind and friendly as his mat was that way. He was not, he gruffly barked out what do you want!!! I looked down at mat agin and then at him, almost wanting to cry…but just stood there looking at him. My twin sister then said why we rang door bell and he said not ingested and shut the door. She the laughed at me as we walked away. Saying, were you going to cry when he yelled at us? I said maybe. When she asked me why, I said…he is false, why does he even have that mat. Funnily, it was first thing I thought of, who. I saw that image…not myself as a door mat. But a doormat I read and an experience I had a child. Where despite my own experiences, I still believed people,were still good and kind and if a mat read all welcome, then the response would also be welcoming. The more we change, the more we stay the same.
Hi PM,
Thank you for your response. I believe you that you do not wish to receive and want nothing in return and feel guilty when receiving. It is important to expose yourself to small doses of receiving, even if it is just giving to yourself something nice. I know that guilt myself.
In my reflection to you earlier, I was mainly speaking about my personal self reflection on my desire to give, fix and please and how some of mine is definitely related in expectation to be treated the same.
I become resentful when I give, give and give and not be given the same in return. However, when I had major surgery last year, he did not reciprocate and actually the first day home from the hospital he dropped off the kitten he could no longer care for. The kitten he wanted to take back (laughing about it). I resented that and was angry at his insensitivity. Did I leave. No. That is on me. I kept it up, got engaged yaddah yaddah…. Finally, enough was enough for me and I wore out. I forgot me. This is why I consider myself a co-dependent, because I forgot me in the process and focused on him and eventually, through my own doing, resented him for it. I didn’t make myself a priority and neither did he. So, naturally, he was surprised when i started standing up for myself and expect better treatment and respect. it was a twisted dance. I am stronger each time I go through this and love myself more. I practice hardcore self care now. I know my role in being attracted to and attracting unhealthy relationships and getting stronger daily.
Still haven’t got the movie, Highlander yet, though maybe this weekend I can find it on Netflix.
Best to you and our continued journeys XXX
Great description…some of it hits home
I have been regarded as a doormat by a wife of Narcopaths friend. I don’t feel I truly meet the definition as stated above. For that I am glad.
HG – Are all codependents doormats? As I have a lot of codependent traits. But do not fully identity with being one, either denial on my part or good training from narcopath.
Yes they are Exhausted. You may have a lot of the trait but not regard yourself as one for the reasons you advance. Of course, like anything else, co-dependency is on a spectrum too.
And my father has been my mother’s doormat (and punching bag) for four and a half decades (they celebrated 45 years of wedded “bliss” on Sunday, September, 4th).
Sapphire and Steel eh Cara?
Exactly
Lol @wedded bliss.
My Mom and DAD divorced 25 years ago. He cheated and she wanted to work it out but he still left.
Fast forward 10 years later he could not practice anymore (he was a DCNMD) and his GF kicked him out. My Mom invited him to stay with her and they remarried 10 years ago for “health insurance reasons”. She still takes care of him and her health has gone down hill even though she doesn’t drink or smoke.
I used to try to help her to see..I gave up. My Sister and Father both drain her in every way and I’m the only one who doesn’t yet I always am pushed aside and ignored by her.
I always fail to recognize the first and primary N in my life..the great and accomplished Doctor (among other amazing accomplishments)/my Father. He accomplished so much and is now a sick, lonely and angry man. I still feel bad for him but refuse to visit or acknowledge he exists as I never know whether he will be pleasant or remind me of how he doesn’t really like me.
I don’t give him enough credit regarding any personal issues because that would mean there are things I need to work on that are due to him and not personally caused by me. It’s a revolving door of people I respect and dislike simultaneously.
My father is undoubtedly a textbook lesser (using HG’s books). I too had to cut him out of my life. It’s sad but in some circumstances necessary.
Very much the case Exhausted.
Wow, you just read me like a book. Everything (and I mean everything) you have outlined, I am. Though it is not flattering to be called a doormat, I am honest enough to accept it is who I am – who I have been all my life. “[We] want to be loved for what [we] do, rather than for what [we] are.” Thank you for calling it a strength.
“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell just as sweet.” – Shakespeare.
Hello to Me 4 years ago! 😁
so thats a doormat… sad life 😰.
Very good description HG
I`m sorry, but the photo…..for some reason, it has me in stitches.
I cannot stop laughing.
I know a few doormats myself – at work, in my family, etc. – and it truly boggles my mind how they operate and their reasons/motivations for doing so.
You hit the nail on the head, as always – they ARE self-serving, though I`m not entirely sure they know that themselves.
What a thought-provoking post, HG, as always!
I think it has shades of the wicked witch under Dorothy’s house don’t you B and T?
HA HA! Yes, maybe that`s it, minus the stylish striped stockings!!!!
I particularly enjoy the “Dorothy Must Die” series – where Dorothy is an evil, power-hungry slut with a penchant for torture. Brilliant books.
I am debating rocking a skin-tight gingham frock and sparkly ruby high heels. You can call me Dot. Would you approve, HG!?!
Absolutely. Toto can take a hike though.
Oh, no worries, there HG. I gave him to the Munchkins. Not the ones from the Lollipop Guild.
Now, oh Great and Powerful Oz, let us send the flying monkeys out whilst we walk in this lovely field of poppies…..poppies….poppies…..
Yes, it does appear to evoke this thought minus the ruby red slippers which are in my closet. Glenda
Yes, we are aware that our traits are ‘self-serving’ in a way. By giving, we are able to assuage our sense of guilt. It is a heaviness within us. If we do not ‘give’, we feel selfish and a disappointment to others.
I don`t have any words for this other than “ew” – that must be an awful feeling.
B&T: You must have never had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of it, to have such negative opinions about it.
Hello Love, and by the way, I love your stage name chills to my bones. As you put it to be “Self Serving, giving to assuage ourbsense of guilt. If we do not give, we feel selfish and a disappointment to everyone” I appreciate your honesty deeply but could you please emphasize on how you mean?
Hi Love: The reason why I asked is because I, myself is trying to understand your kind. Yes I am a narcissist. Diagnosed as somatic and cerebral. From my understanding and please do not take me wrong but codependents are really not obsessed with our kind. They are obsessed more on their unmet needs. It is more of their insecure attachment trauma commentary in their childhood that is triggered on going loops of intrusions in their head. So you see, whether one puts the blame on our kind or not, you need to look at yourself, childhood attachment injury/trauma and your expectations. It doesn’t matter if you deal with a narcissist or a “normal” individual, “You” need to be who you truly are? A self, someone who does not expect highly of someone. We are narcissist. We will extract what we need and if it is not from you, it will be from elsewhere. I am in treatment regardless of who I am. Thank you for sharing your experiences in this forum. You make a difference to everyone. HG. .. take it away..
So true…we feel as our purpose on this world is giving. ..
Hi Leilani,
Thank you for asking me. You are very evolved and I wish you the best in your treatment. My life experience has been with narcissists. For the last 20 years, I have only dealt with men with various personality disorders: sociopaths, narcissists, and a psychopath (oh he was fun).
You are absolutely right, I do not become obsessed with that man per se. I am obsessed with giving him everything I feel I did not receive as a child. So I nurture the hell out of him. Luckily, as dear Mr. Tudor stated, narcissists are empty and will take it all. I would not know what to do with a normal man who tried to give back. It would feel like he’s trying to take over my role. After all, I’ve perfected my craft in the last 20 years. I know I’m good at what I do….no matter how painful it can be – it is a masochistic pleasure for me. And yes, I am not being my authentic self because I make that man the center of my world and learn everything about him… his tastes and preferences, which for a narcissists change by the minute. I provide the cup and the straw and want him to drink me dry. However, none have ever achieved that with me. I come out of each relationship, wiser, yet puzzled why he did not empty me out. Maybe I do have an unconscious sense of self preservation. No, I am not a victim because I chose to enter into each relationship, when my intuition strongly warned me against it. Also, I do not blame the narcissists, because they fulfilled a need within me.
Thank you, Love. You are very kind.
Could not describe it better way… all of them apply to me apart from no 10. I DO DESERVE TO BE LOVED for who I am. But that’s a princess’s dream lol. Was Tabitha a doormat? I wouldn’t say this about Your dad but I do now know much . Did Your matrinarc considered him as one dear G?
The.co dependent…aka doormat. Is this also your father HG as well as your sister? Is this every one or a certain type of co dependent? I would not thought myself. A doormat, but in Reading I qualify under 8 of the 10 traits…the only two that do not relate to me are numbers 2 and 6. (2) I have survived In Many hostile environments, but I give freely as I wish and choose, I do not give upon demand. i do not service anothers need. I care. Love and support them because I want to. (6) I don’t try to meet their needs or fill their void, I just behave the way I am and if these needs are met them I am happy to do so. I don’t feel obligated to meet their needs. In a loving relationship I want my partner to feel happy and fulfilled, but not at the cost of my own well being.
Thank you for writing HG and answering my question on this and helping to understand the varying dynamics of co dependency. Excellent and informative article,
I do recognize I am doormat for many, not just relationships. I always saw it as being amenable and accommodating to the needs of others. Being helpful. Maybe too helpful. No, was often a difficult word to utter, not so much in the past two years. Putting my needs first always felt selfish. I know better now,
No my father wasn’t a Doormat for the purposes of this article but one might regard him as doormat in the traditional non-narcissistic application of the word. Co-dependents are doormats yes. Given that you see 80% as applicable to you, this is easily high enough to bring you under the label as well.
You may not want there to be a cost to your well-being but it is inevitable that this will happen as a consequence of such behaviours commensurate with being a Doormat.
Thank you HG for your reply. More 60%, I misread number 7, I do have low self esteem (compliment of growing up with an overly critical mother), but it is not correlated to that of another to be boosted. So that trait is not applicable to me. Even upon further reflection of trait 10, I do not wish to be loved for what I do. Because what I do, I do because I want to and love to do it. I do not do it out of need or praise of another. But, I understand what your sister meant in your example, the saying, if mama is happy, we are all happy scenario. So, even at 60% as being more accurate, I still qualify under the co dependent spectrum?