Because. Just Because
By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.
In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.
This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.
I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.
I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.
In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.
43 thoughts on “Because. Just Because”
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Thank you. My situation (past relationship with a narc) has been hard for me to understand and this makes sense. It also explains why his new supply is a perfect fit. She lives in another country and they apparently meet up intermittently and then return to their perspective lives. Not my idea of a successful relationship, but for him it keeps things from getting “boring”. Your insight and disclosure has helped more you’ll ever know!
Thank you for letting me know MaryB I am pleased you have found my work useful.
Are you ignoring me? Yes you are…and I am okay with that
Actually no I’m not.
♫ “Fresh Blood” by the Eels ♫
HG do ALL Narcs know they are narcs? Or some just know they are different but are too busy looking for supply and can’t be bother to find out? When/how did you find out about your own NPD?
Did you become worse once you found out? Did that provide you with more tools?
I just wonder…
Lesser Narcissists do not know.
Mid Range Narcissists do not know but they understand that they have certain needs which have to be met and how they can go about that.
Greaters do know.
I knew I was special when I was a teenager. My NPD was brought to my attention after university. I realised the truth of what was being said (I am not stupid) but I did not admit it as to do so would be to cede the advantage and I do not do that. Did I become worse? No I became better as I wanted to understand more about how much more effective I could be.
Hello dear I’ve been far missed you and the blog
I don’t think I could ever get sick of mint chocolate chip…just fat if I ate it all of the time. Why I eat ALL ice cream in moderation 🍦
AND This is WHY I alone am responsible for my happiness!
Its a beautiful garden in my happy home, I tend, I water, I pluck, I plant I harvest, and no one can take it away from me, even in storms, even in droughts, or floods, circumstances change the world spins about me all of which I cannot control, and yes there will be time of sorrow, pain, loss, and still, I will be responsible for the nurturing, comfort and love I grant and give myself.
When you write: “You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred … In such a case we have to lash out. … By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again…”
Does it mean that narcissists lash out at the very same people they feel they have hurt them or could it be that you lash out at other innocent people (scapegoats) who have nothing to do with it? Or both?
I would like to understand why a group of narcissist neighbours have been targeting me (daily smears and character assassination, harassing) for several years now (!) although I have never had a relationship with them and they barely know me. I am NC, I do not longer greet them or accept parcels for them, I do not give them any kind of positive or negative fuel. I just ignore them and do not react to their baitings.
They are in a better financial position than me and feel superior. I do not think they envy me. There are other people they may envy but they do not prey on them.
Is it possible that I am just a recipient (scapegoat) of the hatred they feel for other people? Or is it really because of me? If they feel critized because years ago I said no a couple of times to them, why do they not target other people who have also rejected something from them?
Could it be my body language (e.g. sending signals that I am an easy prey)? They do not get any kind of fuel for years from me but they keep on targeting me and getting more and more people on their side, although I ignore them.
Thank you for reading and for your valuable posts.
Hello EB, what you need to have regard to is that much of the narcissistic relationship turns on perspectives and the difference between our perspective and yours. For instance, where you describe people as innocent, they may be innocent from your perspective but not from ours and that is why they are lashed out at.
With regard to your neighbours:-
1. They will have perceived that you have criticised them in some way (most criticisms are perceived by our kind as opposed to being actual – that is why it never seems to make sense when viewed from your perspective). Your failure to greet them and take in their parcels will be viewed as criticisms. Their fury is ignited and thus they lash out in the ways that you have described.
2. You may not think that they envy you but our kind operate from repeated positions of envy and jealousy.
3. They may actually target the other people as well but you may not be aware of it. Alternatively, it may be that you are an easier target than those other people.
4. You may not give them fuel (although they may gain some Thought Fuel from your perceived reaction) but you hit on the point towards the end of your message. They are gaining fuel through their treatment of you. It may not be you; it is from the other people’s reactions to them smearing you to them. that is why they keep doing it.
Thank you for your compliment.
HG, thank you so much for your time and help. I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote.
You are right when you mention envy and jealousy. There is a possibility that there was something which made one of my neighbours envious years ago. This ignited her fury.
It is difficult for me to see this clearly as I have been the target of different smear campaigns by different people and it is not always easy for me to know *who* started it. The rest continued smearing me throughout the years too.
It got worse when this neighbour befriended a family with an authority figure: an aggressive *lady* who works for the police and her violent alcoholic husband.
I started ignoring and depriving them of fuel *after* they started harassing me and not before. I avoid eye contact too.
Yes, they surely get plenty of Thought Fuel believing they are hurting me. Others seem to believe their lies and react to what they say and do. They organize parties very often and speak loudly about me for me to hear them for hours and hours until midnight. They hardly know me, though.
They must feel powerful knowing that they can control so many people.
Thank you very much once again for all the information and advice you are providing us. I will continue reading your books and blog.
You are welcome EB yes do keep reading to aid your understanding and to enable you to consider ways of dealing with their behaviour. If the noise levels from these parties are excessive you may wish to consider involving the relevant local authority department but do balance this as against giving them a further platform to cause you trouble. Ultimately by getting on with your own life and not reacting you will find they move on to someone else.
I scream, you scream…we all scream for Ice cream !! My N is a Mint chocolate chip fan…I love a good home made Vanilla because if I crave for something different, I can simply change the flavor of it by adding something to it…Thank -you HG 😉
Marvelous yet again HG, yes even thou I knew (I always know) when he pointed out the picture she took (very inoccent looking) I could feel the pain of jealousy wash over me, yet turned told him she was beautiful and smiled at him and changed the subject, he smiled, winked and called me amazing.
His mother told me he didn’t like to see tears. I now believe it was just his desire to control even those.
Thank you RMG and very much the case.
Very well explained. I will feed you a sanguine steak instead.
I hope the beast starves, though.
I do love my steaks sanguine, so thank you.
Most welcome.
Glad you are back HG
I am now Nikita.
😃😃
The ice cream analogy is a good way is describing the intermittent re-enforcement mode of conditioning. A way of managing down the expectations of the ‘victim’ and of ensuring that they become grateful for any ‘nice’ behaviour you display.
In the second part where you describe the lashing out because of the pain of being reminded of your own limitations, it strikes me that the rage, lashing out, intense devaluation episodes are a way of self regulating. You say the pain goes away when you do this. Although surely the relief is always only ever temporary.
Pretty amazing…100% accurate. Thank you for the birthday present of enlightenment into his bizarre mind (his birthday, not mine).
My present to him & therefore me was No Contact. But I did enjoy a nice dinner out and a chat with his 100% different, warm, wonderful, funny, hot, and UN-bizarre replacement!
Craving good strawberry ice cream now, though 😉
You are most welcome ICGB. How did that strawberry ice cream taste?
Accurrate HG accurrate.. I have been analyzing from time to time some of the Ns in familily … to allow me to be 100 % objective.
And like I learned in school to find the common denominator or the derivate…
“In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life”
Reading this just after reading screenshots of the most vile cyber abuse, now long term even though I show no reaction again puts it all in perspective for me.
Same here Cass.
Nineteen months on & ex N is triangulating his new supply with me .
She want’s me in a body bag apparently!
It’s getting progressively worse which means he’s upping the stakes for her, he’s even done some future faking with her .. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say she’s taken the bait.
I’m so glad I understand whats happening . Let em get on with it 🙂
I loved reading that! I could almost taste the strawberry ice cream…. My ex used to tell me she wanted to “taste the rainbow”, which is the slogan for Skittles candy. Before you taught me about triangulation I couldn’t understand why she tried to provoke me by flirting with others. She said variety was fun. I didn’t listen to any of those red flags. I didn’t think she meant any of it. We had a fight about one woman whom she set out to make me jealous of. It was all a lie but I was so hurt by the whole situation. To add salt to the wound she came over to my house and brought me boxes of Skittles and all scents of Skittles candles. She said I needed to learn to like the rainbow. She insisted it was more fun that way. I wish I would have been smart enough to know what I had gotten myself into. She purposely set out to hurt me and I couldn’t comprehend that. I can’t believe after that I still continued to get closer to her and then engaged to her. Skittles are no longer allowed in my house and they are a still a huge trigger.
Never allow skittles again.. sorry to hear your story.. we all do things that at the end we say.. how could I?? but you are aware now and that is important.
Hi Nikita, I am finding more and more things that I can’t believe I let happen but at least now I pay attention to a lot more than I used to. Have a good day❤️🍎
Hola Blanca Nieves ☀️☀️ I still flashes through my mind every day but okay I shake the thought away .. Nice day
Nikita, I am learning so many new words! Lol… Spanish and English. You made me laugh😂🍎
She sounds more like a borderline, Snow.
Hi twinkle toes, that would make me feel more guilty. I have done so much reading and she fits into everyone of HG’s books. Why do u think that?
I’d wish you good luck in your endeavors, but I’m sure you don’t need it. So instead I’ll say, Conquer well!
Reblogged this on Psychopathy Today.
A few plus questions please, if you do not mind HG.
1) How many Strawberry Icecream Brands will you have in your freezer?
2) Will Strawberry always be your favorite flavor?
3) Why commit to just one brand, one flavor?
4) Do you feel that someone has to “love” you to admire you? I have given my best to one I admire. Positive and Negative.
You know you can bound people to you without the commitment. You can piss off these people too, for the negative fuel. There are those who give with out wanting the white picket fence. I do know most want the “ownership”. I personally can’t be owned for too long. I am a stray cat at times.
Thank you for your time.
1. As many as I decide are needed.
2. No.
3. I don’t.
4. No.
You are most welcome.
You are the bestest! But you said in another post, you are always looking for the one. Now, are we being delusional my dear HG? >
Indeed I am the bestest. I am not deluded, just demanding.