7 Truths About Narcissistic Friendship
- Our friends don’t really like you
The people that we choose to provide our inner and outer circle of friends have all been charmed by us and roped into our sphere of influence for the purpose of providing us with fuel, traits and residual benefits. They in return are granted repeated audiences with ourselves, they are able to gaze on the Sun King and benefit from their association with such a social titan. When you are admitted to my sphere of influence as an intimate partner these friends of mine only like you because they know that this is their role and they must do so in order to remain able to attend my court. Should I give the instruction they will turn their backs on you in an instant. Never believe that you can turn to them in a moment of need. You will head straight into a brick wall. Should you be admitted into my sphere of influence as another member of the inner or outer circle then these friends are your competitors. They are all seeking my favour, either to remain in the inner circle or to achieve promotion to it, such is the allure and attraction of being friends with me. These other friends will smile and welcome you, because that is what is expected of them but they are smiling assassins who will pounce and delight in plunging the dagger of isolation and ostracising into your back should I will that to happen. You are entering a viper’s nest.
- It is a one-way street
You will benefit from your association with me as a friend and you will enjoy my company, who would not when I am charming, magnetic and interesting but you are only allowed to occupy this positon so long as you are giving. You must provide me with the fuel to keep me topped-up through your praise and admiration. I expect you to be an errand boy for me, you will carry out my machinations on my behalf when I require you to manipulate someone by proxy, you will get me things, give me things and do things for me all because you want to stay in the elevated position of my friendship. It is also highly likely that I will possess some information about you or something you want which compels your compliance also. You are the giver and I am the taker. It is one way.
- Our friends do not know what we are
The blazing brightness of our brilliance is such that it obscures what we really are. Any complaints about our behaviour will be met with rejection and a confused response. They have always been treated well by us. We let them join us and we allow them to follow in our wake which has numerous benefits. They have no idea what we actually are for if they did they would no continue to be part of our retinue. They do not want to know any different however because they have been brainwashed into thinking that the status quo is to their advantage and therefore they see no reason to entertain anybody who seeks to usurp us.
- Your friends are all targets
I have no interest in making friends with your friends. They are beneath me but I will regard them as targets. There may well be your replacement amongst them and how satisfying would that be to corrupt one of your supporters to turn against you and sit at my right hand? I will charm and ensure that your friends think well of me as this will not only make my seduction of you as my primary source far easier, it will also provide me with fuel, traits and residual benefits as well. You friends are targets to be my new primary source, members of my coterie and even lieutenants so that I have a fifth columnist in your camp willing to act on my behalf when the inevitable devaluation begins.
- Our friendships are defined by the usefulness
As I have explained the concept of friendship for us all about what we can take from it and therefore so long as someone is providing us what we require, complying with our wishes and carrying out what we want then the friendship will endure. Should one of our friends see through us, turn against us or begin to fail in their assigned role it is of little consequence to us that we may have known them for ten years or more. It is of no concern that we go drinking with them every Friday, if they do not function as a constituent appliance then they will be switched off, excluded and replaced. We make friends easily and we keep them far easier than you might think. Very few leave us. We usually do the jettisoning.
- Our friends must never outshine us
We like our friends to be beautiful and handsome but not better looking than us. We like to have a beautiful crowd around us, it signals to the world that we are special. We want the interesting folk, the talented, the successful and so forth as we are able to steal traits from all of these people to accentuate our own success and popularity so we are better able to seduce more people into our sphere of influence. We want them to achieve, look good, be fascinating so long as none of them outshine us. We benefit from the reflected glory but it must not shine brighter than our star otherwise someone will have to be exited. There is only room for one king on this throne.
- We can actually like our friends
So long as the member of our inner or outer circle does not offend any of our requirements detailed above we often do actually like them for being interesting and caring people. Of course, this is not enough on its own, they must provide fuel, allow us to take traits and provide residual benefits but we are able enough to like the fact that someone is amusing, that someone is a good partner at badminton (as long as we usually win) or has some entertaining anecdotes to share from a recent holiday. So long as they do not transgress across our requirements then we will also take delight in these additional traits, for like jesters, ambassadors and courtiers in a royal court they all have their own individual function that serves to benefit us.
56 thoughts on “7 Truths About Narcissistic Friendship”
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All true, I’ve met and befriended many a narcissist. Liked them very well, but friendship is a performance to them. And copper as opposed to gold, a really poor mimic of the real thing.
And in the end a massive waste of time.
Great reminder and post.
Thank you.
Having a hard time understanding how you manage this. What if a friend does the forboden and interrupts you, briefly steals the spotlight with no ill intent, disagrees with you – maybe even wins that friendly debate, turns down an invite once in awhile… these things have got to happen at some point. How do you deal?
I imagine feigning friendship for male narcs is far easier than for the females cause maintaining the necessary distance to hide your unsightly parts would be more acceptable. Girls don’t really do casual. How long do your friendships usually last anyway?
Hello The Pan, good points. It depends on the school of the narcissist and the available fuel.
1. If the Lesser is interrupted by a friend who steals the limelight, the Lesser regards this as a criticism. He or she will be wounded, their fury is ignited and they will lash out at the person to gain fuel. The recipient may argue back but is providing fuel, may tell the Lesser he is an arsehole and leave and never other with the Lesser again. The Lesser will replace that secondary source.
2. The Greater will not lash out but will steer the conversation back to him, look to win the argument, change the topic to something which makes him look good so he gains fuel and pulls the spotlight back onto him. His higher control threshold means he does not need to lash out and he will sue his charm and seduction to maintain his superiority whilst recognising that the secondary source still provides a role to him.
3. The Mid-Range is likely to point out that he or she has been rudely interrupted in order to secure an apology (thus fuel) or complain to onlookers (thus gaining fuel) in order to deal with the criticism which has arisen.
If a person does not exhibit fury… would he still be a narcisstic psychopath… My ex was never raging but he was very hurtful to me… He enjoyed causing pain… I guess was peodophile… I saw blood in his eyes.. empty eyes… I have looked into his eyes before… but he managed to keep this stare away from me… It was like I caught him red handed… He was not ready to show this stare… I escape.. after lot of hurt…
There are different forms of fury, please see the book Fury to understand more about it, Manisha.
And she is so broken I need to help her…I think I’ve never seen her in such state…wish me luck :/
Recently realised through FB and her profile that my narcissistic friend is having a breakdown. .. fuel is gone. She met normal guy and he did a runner. she tried to hoover me back month ago via txt msg. I knew she only did it for a fuel. I have changed my number again. She’s put an appologising letter through letter box recently…. I do not have a clue how to stop myself but I miss her and her bitchy character :/// I guess I’ll txt her later…
Tudor: what if the narcissist is married and has a lot to lose? How can he would his weapons against the empath if he risks his own secrets being revealed to his wife, church, society?
the risk is a calculated one because the existence of the façade and the smear campaign exacted against the transgressing empath paints the empath as the crazy, unreliable one. Have a read of Smeared to understand more about this.
Good afternoon HG, hope you are enjoying some delightful music in the background as you are writing. I will review your books for you. I enjoyed them and I am looking forward to the new ones. I am glad that you have a useful female lieutenant that has been with you a long time. I’m sure she loves you. ❤️So you are telling me that I had no choice in what I was to my ex? She decided from the very beginning didn’t she? It was always her choice like it’s always your choice and your rules. She probably never intended to just be my friend. This is what still hurts. Thanks HG 🍎
Indeed I am Snow White, I am listening to some classical music at the moment prior to dinner being ready. Thank you for reviewing the books and I look forward to reading your comments. Yes, you had no choice, the role is assigned by us for you. We must control everything.
HG, knowing that you control everything is something that I have to keep reminding myself. I hope you enjoy your dinner. I am sure you made the decision what to have. Lol
Easy tiger!
Fast reply! Lol
I am like lightning SW. Extremely bright, mesmerising, deadly and then I am gone.
Like a tornado, hurricane, and a tsunami. And we never know when you will return.
HG,
Are your friends true friends or more like acquaintances? True friends in the sense they know everything about you but still accept you. You said you are friends because they are loyal. What about the girlfriends you had, weren’t they loyal? I wondered because I realize now I have lots of acquaintances and very few friends. My narc brother though has a entourage, minions and lots of acquaintances. I just wondered the dynamics of your relationships with the friends. Everyone of my Narcs knew alot of people, but they did not have alot of close friends. They mostly wanted to be with me but really, can you blame them? That was until they had to work late, go out of town, go stay at their siblings a.k.a mad cheating on me. Let me know your thoughts please.
Nobody knows everything about me. I know lots about them of course. I regard them as friends because I spend more time with them than I would with an acquaintance, I know more about them than I would an acquaintance and I can rely on them to a greater degree than I could of an acquaintance. accordingly they are friends. Yes the girlfriends were loyal as well. In terms of close friends, well as you would expect with my kind, I am close to them but they are not close to me.
So time spent, knowledge and reliability is what makes a friend to you. How can you be close to someone you don’t care about? That’s why I asked about the girlfriends. They fulfilled your criteria for friendship, yet you would crush them when they did not live up to your standards that were constantly changing. Is it the same way with your friends? I’m trying to understand not incite your fury. I will explain myself and maybe it will clarify. I have many acquaintances and there are a great number that would say, yes ABB is my friend. I though would not agree with them. I will socialize with them, listen to them, etc. but, I don’t initiate anything with them unless I need something. They fulfill what I need and then I walk away. If they need something I will try to provide it. If I cannot help I simply say I cannot help you. If these people left and never came back i would not care, someone will fill their spot. Is this Narc behavior? They care about me but I care only because they give me what I need. I do feel for them. Just if they betrayed me or I don’t see them then I do not fret over it. Is that normal?
I can be close to them because I know plenty about them, they rely on me for certain things, they trust me, they will do anything for me when asked. I understand you are seeking understanding rather than trying to incite me, but thanks for clarifying. I have little need to crush those who are inner and outer circle friends because my level of interaction with them is not as great as the intimate partner who is the primary source. Those in the inner and outer circle positions do not transgress my needs or bring about devaluation in the same way as a primary source might and if they happened to do so, it is easier just to replace them rather than engage in the devaluation. Further, one also has to have regard to the façade.
I would not regard your treatment of your friends as necessarily narcissistic because you identify that you would try and help them if you can. I only do that if I gain some appreciable benefit. You also state you feel for them. I do not. Your behaviour is more indicative of normality – an empath would be concerned to lose the friend, concerned to help them as much as they can, go the extra mile etc, your position strikes me as between empath and narcissist.
Hi SA, I am a parent also and it does give you a different perspective on things and what you want for your kids. It was my 17 yr old daughter who did not trust my ex at the very beginning. She sensed she was bad and it was my daughter whom my ex was the most fearful of and threatened by. She was the one person she couldn’t charm. I’m glad you told HG not to be his mother even if he doesn’t want to hear it. Have a good day🍎
Thank you. We are all products of our environments. I am the mother that I am due to mine being who she was. I did take the best qualities and worked hard at discarding the ones that seemed innate and not productive. It is the most arduous task, raising another human.
They changed me for the better; otherwise, I was very close to being like our dear friend HG. At least I am told this by people who know me for 40 years.
I want the environment to be a product of me.
Then it will be a turbulent environment. Hell of a roller coaster ride.
There is that knife again. You and I will never be friends.
I don’t pretend that I was friends with any of N2 friends. One couple with whom we hung out trusted me to babysit their kids. I became friendlyish with the wife. Suddenly we all didn’t hang out as much. Quelle surprise? Mais non.
Wow! That was a surprise HG. I wasn’t expecting you to end that with you actually liking your friends. That’s great to hear. Lol…What is the length of your longest friendship and have they experienced one of your silent treatments?
I remain friends with four people who I was at school with. One of those friends I have known since junior school and she recently got married. I was invited but unfortunately could not attend owing to my travel commitments. The other three are all from high school. There are periods of not communicating but that arises more out of the demands on my time as opposed to being a deliberate silent treatment. I have no need to subject them to such a manipulation as they are all very loyal to me.
The friend from junior high school, by chance is that who you wrote about in “Horns and Halos” in the shed?
Someone has been paying attention. Gold star for you!
Always HG!! Awww, she invited you to her wedding? That’s very sweet. That’s a friendship withstanding the test of time!
She remains obsessed with me. It would have been a fuel fest if I had been able to go. I am of course going to take her and her new spouse out for dinner….
Of course that’s what I meant. Clearly, she’s been carrying a torch for you since the age of 10. Let the triangulation games begin….
Oh yes.
Naughty HG…tsk tsk
Hi Clarece, how are you? That’s the next book in my kindle waiting for me. Lol… Now I will know that bit of information. I am reading Revenge right now. Have a good day. ❤️🍎
Helloooo SW! You will really like Horns and Halos!! I finished up “Exorcism” this past week while HG was away. Ironic timing for that since my Narc has been hoovering this past week too (seemingly benign so far, nothing upsetting. I’m on guard)…lol
Taking my daughter and niece to the zoo today. It’s a beautiful fall day to be outside.
Always nice to hear from you!!
Hello Clarece! Now I really can’t wait to start it. Exorcism was one of HG’s best. I have not done everything that he has suggested because I am not ready. I am getting ready to tackle Halloween costumes.( triggers are everywhere) lol.. I still can’t get the idea of waking up one morning and going through each room and purging everything and anything that creates the mixture and the Ever Presence. Their imprints are everywhere. That book was mind blowing to me…. I know you have been on this blog since the beginning and I wanted to ask you how often your hoovers are from your ex. Hope you all have a great day at the zoo! You deserve it!!!!
Hi SW!! “Revenge” and “Sex and the Narcissist” have been my favorite books. I think “Exorcism” should be called The Breakup Bible. I think it has vital strategies for anyone getting over someone and having difficulty moving on. I liken forcing yourself to dive in and start purging and going thru the exorcism like someone saying the only reason they haven’t started having kids is they aren’t financially ready. Newsflash, you will never be financially prepared when that bundle of joy comes but you figure it out. You’ll get there.
How often has mine hoovered? I have been prepared to not hear from him after each silent treatment. HG has called each 5 times (since last Aug) that he isn’t done with me. He averages anywhere from 3 to 8 weeks. He’s been buzzing around since my birthday 2 weeks ago.
Hello Clarece, I am just now reading about the Pillars in Revenge and I absolutely loved Sex and the Narcissist. Can’t wait for the follow-up to that one HG. I loved your reference to waiting to have kids. It makes perfect sense and I am going to work on purging with my daughter when she comes home on break. She won’t go easy on me and will love to throw everything away. Lol.. Happy late birthday and I hope he stays away for awhile. HG has been right on the money with everything he has said about me ex. Hope you enjoyed the zoo.
I’m glad that you have people in your life that are there for you when you need them. I bet they are very nice people…. Why did you not choose to make your female friend your target at some point in your life? I just read Sitting Target and now understand all of the traits that you are looking for. If she is still your friend she must have had a lot of those traits. It was a great book btw. When I met my ex I had no other motives than to be her friend. Why couldn’t she have just let us be friends? How quickly did she decide between friendship and IP? I have all of the generic traits and special traits that you have described. If you can cross more off of your list does that mean you have the green light to target them for the IP? I could have been just like your friends that you have had for years. I would have never left her.. It still hurts so much to see how an innocent friendship turned into a complete nightmare. And then to come to the realization that I will never be in her life again. Thanks HG
Hello SW, yes she has plenty of the traits which i find desirable. I am pleased you liked Sitting Target, please do leave a review. She does not choose what role she fulfils for me, I make that choice. She would have picked me over the man she married if I had proposed to her but I chose not to as she is more effective as a friend for my needs. A female lieutenant is very useful. yes, the more of the traits you exhibit the greater the prospect of you being targeted to be the primary source, invariably as intimate partner.
Then I need to read this book before I fill my application out with my crayola crayon, the fat one for little hands that the dexterity is not mastered yet. 🙂 >
I am reading Horns and Halos. The story of poor Paul. I, as a mother, have knocked on doors to talk with Parents. I just realized my son’s GF mother is just like your mother. I do have a hard time with his GF. I always tell my son to get his balls out of her purse.
HG do not be like your mom. Do not perpetuate the behavior. I know what I just typed will not matter and you will not change, but I said it anyway.
Does your son tell you that he feels caught between you and his GF?
He has not said this but I know he feels it. I try very hard to back off as I see his struggle. I am a very good Mother.
I state my observations and then ask him to just be aware.
They are staying with me right now because he moved back from Denver to start a company with two other engineers. (He has a degree in EE.)
I gave them two months to move out because I was tired of watching her do NOTHING but lay in bed playing on the internet. She just graduated from Penn State, with a degree in journalism. (I had my friend who’s husband runs one of the TV stations her look at her resume, so my fingers are crossed)
Her mother is like your mother, when I tried to talk to her about Cara’s behavior a year ago. I have not talked to her since. She called me names and a stalker because I called her. She went on to look at my LINKEDin account and FB. So who is the stalker. What a BITCH. A nasty back east know it all prejudice IRISH CATHOLIC. I said a curse word and she was so offended. Oh very controlling too. ( I am also born and raised on the East coast)
Blah Blah Blah……….on and on. I just look at it this way. I will e here if my son needs me but I will divorce myself from them. I will just travel and not deal.
I’m with you. I found the part, with HG’s mom waiting at the front door until Paul’s mom gave up ringing the doorbell, quite disturbing. Nothing superior about her behavior at all. In fact, quite cowardly. I live by being open and honest, and therefore can confront anyone. And I don’t back down.
I can only say that as a Mother, I did my job well and all the kids hung out at my home. This way I could watch them. I actually stepped in for other children when their parents did not. In one case hiring an attorney/psychologist to save two boys from having a mark on there record for life. They streaked across the football field at the inaugural Home Coming game for my sons high school and they were caught. The school officials wanted to slapped them with a sexual assault record, which would follow them for their life. It is on youtube and everyone laughed in the stands. Look it up. Dessert Oasis High School.
THEIR RECORD! My bad!
No. 7 does not surprise me. Just like any human, you have a natural, biological need for human companionship. Of course you would like your friends.
You are the King, Queen, and Subjects as you are the entire Kingdom. It is only you every moment of every day. How tiresome to be everything to all (yourself) always. Are so many people sheep. I suppose so.
At least in my mind. I guess this is Marching to your beat at its finest.
This is why you are you, and I am not.
To be free of all this. To just be. Now this is life in my world. I sit relaxed over my kingdom of living and let live.
I am overwhelmed with the thought of keeping up with the charade. The balls you must keep in the air.
It is a nice thought that you can LIKE someone, but do you respect them? I would rather be respected than liked.
I can feign respect.
I can pretend too, but most times I do not. I just say nothing and blank stare at the person. >
I did not ask if you could fake it (respect). Do you ever have respect for someone? Can you feel this at all?
My answer gave you the answer, if you understand what I mean. The nearest I come to feeling it would be through envy.
oh, that is harsh. Hmmm sorry for that. I am not sure I have felt this kind of envy.