A Piece of Your Mind
Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.
1. Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.
2. Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”
3. Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.
4. Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.
5. To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.
6. Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.
7. The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of you will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.
8. Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.
9. Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the anger. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.
10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.
11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.
Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.
But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?
1. Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.
2. This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.
3. If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.
4. You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.
5. We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.
6. You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.
The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.
37 thoughts on “A Piece of Your Mind”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Hi HG,
Thanks once again for answering my post so thoroughly.
I have been trying my best to move on from this man that I was involved with, but it is hard at times. We used to use a text messaging app where someone’s ‘last seen’ status is shown. He didn’t show his because he did not want his wife to see that he was online late with me. After I ended things with him, he now conveniently changed his settings so that people can see his last online status. He used to call this app the “Liz app” as he rarely used it to message anyone other than me. I can’t help but wonder if he has done this purposely to ensure that I know that he is thinking of me. He often found ways to suck me back in.
I am confused as to the type of narcissist he is. I don’t think he knows he is a narcissist, although you are right, his actions to provoke a certain response, and he is aware of what that response will be in advance. He was never physically aggressive towards me, is not a “showy” person – actually is quite humble in this regard, and does not need to have the attention on him in a social setting. Based on this, what type of narcissist would you classify his as? Because I’m not sure of the type of narcissist that he is, I’m not clear as to what the chances are of him contacting me are. What are your thoughts? And if/when a narcissist reaches out to you, how do you suggest one handles that? Would you recommend not telling someone they are a narcissist?
If these questions are too personal, I apologize, and please do not feel obligated to answer them. Would you say you are “over” being a narcissist, or do you believe that it is just who someone is. I am curious to know more about your story.
Thanks,
Liz
Hello Liz,
The Liz App is a device that has been specifically turned from something special into something to taunt you with and is entirely consistent with what we do.
He sounds like a Mid-Range Narcissist from that brief description.
The prospects of him contacting you are based on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria are met, see the recent article last week in that regard.
In terms of dealing with his hoovers, the first step is try and avoid them therefore read Escape, No Contact and Black Hole. If he hoovers then see Black Hole.
I generally maintain there is little to be gained in telling someone they are a narcissist – see the article concerning telling a Lesser in No! You are the Narcissist.
No I am not “over” being a narcissist.
If you want to know more about my story I recommend you read the Confessions Series and then the alliterative titles (Beautiful and Barbaric etc) there is plenty in there and much, much more to come.
Hi HG,
Thanks so much for the detailed response. It was hard to read at times because I still can’t believe that the person who I thought I loved, is not the person who I thought at all. When you say it has been engineered, do you mean to say that this was his intention all along? I do believe he is a narcissist, but I don’t know if he even realizes he is one or intentionally manipulated me.
You also made mention that his attempts to leave were all part of the act. Wouldn’t he have considered if his wife actually did leave when he brought these issues to her attention and said they needed to separate? It seems like he took a huge gamble by doing this if he wasn’t serious about it.
When narcissists seek fuel, why do they want negative fuel? Is there an article you can recommend I read on this? Do you believe the fuel he is getting from his wife right now is negative?
You also mentioned that he will hoover me again at some point. It has been almost 4 weeks and I have heard nothing from him after I told him I was blocking him from my phone. I think his ego is so bruised, that I would assume he would not reach out to me again.
I am definitely going to read your books to try and understand why he targeted me. I thought it was because we had a very strong connection which was undeniable from the beginning. I honestly never felt for anyone what I felt for him. Do you this it’s not possible for anyone to have a relationship with a narcissist? Thanks again for your response!
Hello Liz,
You are welcome. Yes the brutal truth is at times difficult to accept and that is one of the reasons why people like you are ensnared by us. Your inability to process this reality means you remain in our clutches.
In terms of the engineering, there are two types. There is the engineering which happens by instinct. Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists do not know what they are and as a consequence their instictinve behaviours are not calculated but rather are as a result of the way they just are. This still brings about an effect which is as a consequence of this instinctive behaviour and thus it is engineered in this sense. Our kind often behave in similar ways, there are variations on a theme, but the thrust of the behaviours are very similar. The Greater does know what he is; we fully intend the consequences and therefore we bring about the responses, reactions and outcomes through the deliberate and purposeful application of manipulations.
As for the gamble, the arrogance associated with us means that there is often a recklessness which can manifest although this is more likely in the behaviour of Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists.
We want all kinds of fuel. It varies on the source. The intimate partner is the one that positive and then negative fuel is sought from. Secondary sources are usually (although not always) providers of positive fuel. Tertiary sources provide both. In order to understand fuel in detail there is no better source than my book Fuel and I would direct you to that. We relish negative fuel because it is harder to upset somebody, make them angry etc than happy, praising and such like, thus provoking a negative emotion and thus negative fuel results in demonstrating how powerful we are.
As for the hoover, since you originally posted this message, you no doubt have seen the article about leaving you alone and I suspect that may well have answered your question. If it has not, please do come back to me.
Yes, by reading my books you will gain a substantial understanding which you will not get anywhere else.
You can always have a relationship with a narcissist. The question really should be; what kind of relationship can you have with a narcissist because invariably it is hard work, damaging, exhausting and bewildering.
Thank you. This explains so much. All the times I used to rage at him – I thought that it would make him realize what he was doing to me and feel badly. I would beg for his empathy and he would calmly ask me “Are you done?” Then later I thought ‘he must really love me to allow me to scream at him when I am, who else would come back to me after all those hurtful things I said?’ I always wondered why he would want to stay friends with me when things had been so awful during the discard. He would always say “I wouldn’t put up with it from anyone else but you.” Of course at that time I did not know what a Narcissist really was. I don’t think he knows what he is either.
You are welcome.
I’m confused about hoovering . If you truly do not love or care for that person then why try so hard to get them back ? Wouldn’t that just be unnecessary extra work to try and be with someone you didn’t love or care about ?
It is not the person we want back, it is their fuel. That is the crucial distinction. The potency of the fuel makes it all the more worth the effort to hoover them back in.
“We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.” WOW this one is so spot on and so saddening because we have wasted milions of hours trying to have conversations like proper couples or paying thousands ££££ in therapies but it’s was like talking to a autistic defiant child with 666 on his forehead … I might have been better off banging my head against the wall every time (I’ve done it once though ) or getting drunk and pull someone for a night lol Thanks G for Your work xxx
You are welcome Maddie.
I do hope you find her, if you haven’t already HG.
Oh he has found her, over and over and over. Tell the truth. >
HG. Does the Hoovering always acure? It has now been 5-6 weeks of no contact, from both sides, after my planned out escape
Hello Ahab,
Hoovering will occur if two things happen.
1. There is a hoover trigger. This is caused by you entering one of the six spheres of influence (see the article by the same name for more on this) which includes you being seen by us, you telephoning us or you just popping into our thoughts. You can stay out of five of the spheres, but you can doing nothing about the sixth, hence there is always a risk that there will be a hoover trigger.
2. The conditions favour a hoover execution. For details on what those conditions are, see the worked example in Hoover Time! Sphere One.
If there is a trigger AND the conditions are right for execution then a hoover will happen.
5-6 weeks is not long. Maintain your defences and watch out for the whale!
HG. Does the Hoovering always acure? It is now 5-6 weeks with no contact after my escape
Great info HG do narcissist actually use the words fuel and appliance or do some of them just repeat their actions over and over but not realizing it is fuel do some just think they are using the person and don’t care
Thank you Maurern.Lessers just repeat the actions without realising it is fuel. Mid Range know that certain responses from people make them feel different but do not know why. Greaters know what works for them and thus we exploit that.
I have not been Hoovered, nor have I talked to him in a few weeks. Seems like a lifetime ago. He was not on my level at all.
You want a piece of my mind? I spent four and a half fucking hours at “Sunday brunch” all because I want a group of women I’m friends with (to their faces) to like me better than my youngest sister (we’re close enough in age & live close enough that we know many of the same people), and we’re competitive because that’s how mommy dearest raised us.
Hi HG,
I was in a relationship with a man that some of my friends refer to as a narcissist (still not sure what type he is though, and it’s still hard for me to think of him this way as I do still care deeply for him). It was a bad situation, as he was married but we fell in love with one another. He told me he was going to leave, made attempts to leave (even saw houses with her, she spoke to her family about them splitting, etc.), but he never took the plunge and left. He told me he wanted a life with me, but was unsure if he wanted children. I do want children and this was an issue for us. He said that he would have a child with me if we were in a relationship and things were going well. Talk about pressure, eh? It’s like I would constantly be walking on egg shells.
After a year together, he was still there, and I was still on my own; in a “relationship” with a man where it had to be kept secret, he could not meet my friends/family, we could not go out, I could not call him freely. I tried many times to end it, but he would always reach out to me — either by text or a phone call. I’ll admit that there were two occasions where it was just too hard and I reached out to him first. He would tell me that he wanted to be with me, he never loved anyone before like how he loved me, we were soul-mates (he said he felt silly saying this because he’s not the type of guy to say corny things), he would one day want to see me in a wedding dress, meet my family, and so on. After almost a year of waiting, I finally got fed up and decided to end it for good. I called him to give him the respect of letting him know I was going to block him from my phone. He was upset and said that I was blocking him out of his life. He once told me that he would never block me out of his life because he loves me too much and could never do that to me. It has been about 3 weeks since I blocked him, and I have not heard from him. Mind you, he cannot call me or message me. The only way would be for him to show up at my door. The last time I spoke to him, I put my anger aside and wished him well. I told him I wanted him to be happy and hope he figured out his life. He said that he didn’t want to hear it, and refused to say goodbye to me. I have to wonder, for someone who claimed to love me so much, why would he at least not write me a letter and leave it at my door, apologizing for everything? I know he would say that I blocked him and he had no choice but to leave me alone and that he was just respecting my wishes. I feel so hurt and betrayed. In your opinion, would you say he is a narcissist? He was never physically abusive towards me in any way at all, even when I one time hit him with a pillow out of frustration.
There were many occasions where he would turn things around on me if I was upset, and everything always seemed to be my fault. He would often say, “this will never most fast enough for you”. He got upset with his wife once for finding a text message from a man on her phone, yet he was having an affair with me.
He told me loved his daughter and that was the difficulty in him leaving — he would not see her everyday and he would break her heart by leaving. He said that he felt guilty about putting his happiness before her happiness.
What are your thoughts? I am trying really hard to move on from this, but don’t know how.
Thanks
Hello Liz, your situation is not uncommon and the way you feel is entirely understandable because it has been engineered.
1. and it’s still hard for me to think of him this way as I do still care deeply for him – this is the effect of the addictive quality of the relationship and the fact you are mired very much in the emotional sea. Brutal truth – you do not care deeply for him, you care deeply for the illusion of him that he seduced you with.
2. He told me he was going to leave, made attempts to leave (even saw houses with her, she spoke to her family about them splitting, etc.), but he never took the plunge and left. – all part of the act. Future faking towards you and raising your expectations so you are bound to him, extracting fuel from his wife, controlling both of you, you with promises her with threats.
3. He said that he would have a child with me if we were in a relationship and things were going well. – more future faking and binding
4. After a year together, he was still there, and I was still on my own; in a “relationship” with a man where it had to be kept secret, he could not meet my friends/family, we could not go out, I could not call him freely. – the typical situation for a victim who has been ensnared by our kind. You of course would not have consented to being told you must wait a year, but you will never be told that because you will be salami-sliced, false promised and future faked and before you know it, look, a year as elapsed.
5. He would tell me that he wanted to be with me, he never loved anyone before like how he loved me, we were soul-mates (he said he felt silly saying this because he’s not the type of guy to say corny things), he would one day want to see me in a wedding dress, meet my family, and so on. – even more future faking and standard narcissistic declarations (see From the Mouth of a Narcissist and tick all those applicable to you)
6. It has been about 3 weeks since I blocked him, and I have not heard from him. Mind you, he cannot call me or message me. – you ending it criticised him, at the time of ending it he tried to stop you doing it, this failed and therefore he has withdrawn owing to your criticism and sought fuel from an alternative source (most likely his wife) thus this has occupied him and furthermore he sees no reason to hoover you at present
7. . I have to wonder, for someone who claimed to love me so much, why would he at least not write me a letter and leave it at my door, apologizing for everything – he did not love you, he loved your fuel, why would he do something for you when it would not benefit him? We do not do apologies, at least not genuine ones. He has no need to contact you at present as he is gaining fuel elsewhere and is also punishing you for you ending the relationship.
8. There were many occasions where he would turn things around on me if I was upset, and everything always seemed to be my fault. He would often say, “this will never most fast enough for you”. He got upset with his wife once for finding a text message from a man on her phone, yet he was having an affair with me. – blameshifting, deflection and blame-shifting are hallmarks of our existence read Your Fault for more on that. His behaviour with his wife is typical of our contradictory behaviours and hypocrisy.
To move on you need to understand the reality of why you were chosen, why he behaved as he did and why it will never work. You also need to process out the emotion which still affects you ad this will take time. The best way of achieving this is to read, because as you read you remain distracted and you also understand, you then make decisions based on reason and not emotion and it steadily becomes easier as you push the pendulum back the other way. At present it seems hard, hopeless and hurtful. That is how it is meant to be so you remain vulnerable to him hoovering you and he will do that at some point. Read my books, the more the better for your understanding, start with FUEL and Sitting Target. Keep reading the blog and ask questions, of me and the others here. You have found the optimum resource to move forward.
HG do you believe there is one just for you?
Yes.
Good Morning HG, Yes on some one that can be all, end all for you? We know this is not going to happen with a Narc. Is this wishful thinking? Are you saying that if it was possible you would really like Strawberry Ice Cream only and you would commit to this? How romantic. I bet there are a few on here that want to fill out the application. You are quite the charmer. I might take one myself. Where is the big fat crayons? I will take the color GREEN. >
Why green and which shade of green?
Not the shade of envy. Take a walk with me in the forest or woods or jungle and I will point out the green i like best. I am sensitive to colors too. >
That was one of the hardest things was keeping my mouth shut when I ran into him. When he made the comment I was amazing I wanted to stick my tongue out at him, yet wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. He got enough knowing I was watching him.
I gave him my wrath him in spades with NO regret. I spoke MY truth, that was the whole point. I don’t care if it provided him with fuel, it provided me with the peace of mind that the game was up…and he knew it.
I did send an email, I guess for a combination of those reasons. To vent, express my pain. i don’t know if he’s smearing me. If he is it’s not to anyone I know, since we don’t live in the same town or have any social network connections. So i don’t really feel a need to clear my name. He could even call me crazy to the next girl, whatever. I can just move on. I acknowledged what he did and even complimented him in a weird way, because, well, I’ve got my own issues there. Everything was terrible and awful but I also just really find it fascinating. I was even willing to negotiate all his needs. If he had just told me he needed to go find fresh meat or fuel. If he had just been open with me and I could feel secure knowing I had a place on his chain and that he’d be back in a few months or whatever. I could do my own thing in the meantime.
But you guys are talking about going days with no contact, I’ve not heard from him but once in getting close to three months. So I’m coming back around to that thought of, What if I was wrong and he’s just a normal douchebag, or seriously awkward introvert who is just bad at connecting? I mean, i remember what happened, but there’s no solid confirmation. He hasn’t even yelled at me, he’s just killing me with silence.
Everything tells me he is, and that he’s covert and super insidious about it. All of this reading and soul searching, all looks like that’s what happened. And that I’ve made some big “mistakes” (mainly one major act of defiance and then talking about things), so now I’m being subjected to epic punishment.
But then there’s this tiny part of me that’s worried I was just super mean to him for no reason 😰 Fuuuuu… i thought venting would help me move past these thoughts and feelings but now I just feel guilty.
Believe me Lilly, three months of silence is not a long time. Your evaluation of him is accurate. You are being punished. You were not super mean but you are meant to feel like you have been super mean, because we are experts at exploiting your vulnerabilities through our manipulation of you.
Thank you HG. That helps me feel more relaxed about it. I’m still in the emotional battle I guess. My feelings fluctuate throughout the day. Like my logical self is arguing with this emotional, reactionary part. That’s been going on for a while now and seems to be where I’m stuck. I know what I need to do and at the same time I don’t want to accept it.
But this is essentially No Contact for free, and as painful as that is and as resistant as I’ve been to embrace it, I have been able to make use of it somewhat. I’ve changed my number, blocked him from my email, we don’t share social media, and I was already planning on moving when this lease is up. So if he ever does try to talk to me again he might find a few hurdles.
Since my ex already knew in advance when we were meeting, it was already an advantage for her. I didn’t know it then. We were meeting at Starbucks and I pulled up and walked through the place and didn’t see her inside or her car outside so I went back to my car to wait. At exactly 1:00 she texted me that she was inside and when I saw her I asked her if she had seen me walk right by her and she responded “YES”. 😡😡She was already laughing on the inside at me. It just provided more fuel for her and showed her how she could still control my emotions. It just encouraged her. But is was worth seeing all of the manipulation tools she used and that is what I wanted to see.
So spot on. I’ve done this for the past year and half. And ‘yes’ he was laughing on the inside at me. Now silence abounds by his choice, but little does he know, it is a never ending silence (my choice).
So are narcs so unjustly redeemed…?.Or is the punishment we longingly desire them to receive for having ‘psychologically murdered’ us brought about by ‘masking’ from them our pain; trauma etc.. by walking away with a smile…;letting them know we are disentangled and have become completely independent in every sense of the word? Not an easy task as any ‘survivor’ well knows, as the healing journey seems infinitely arduous. I’m a covert narc victim – ex husband… currently living with my elderly parents, through force of circumstance,- trying every strategy humanly possible through the knowledge I gain about narcs , to protect myself and my mother from her covert narc husband who is also, depressingly. my father. Many hugs to all you ‘survivors’ out there.
Thank u i really really needed to read this right now. Iv had no desire in the past 3 months of silence to contact him and give him a piece of my mind. But recently he sought out a friend of mine and told her all sorts of untruths about me. Its messed me up and my stomach is churning and the anger for him is back. I just want to get hold of him and rip his face off. How dare he accuse me of the very things i caught him doing??? But now i realise this is exactly what he wants me to do. React!! Break the silence and contact him. After this article i no for sure id be playing right into his hand. Let my silence kill him some more
You are welcome.