Needing Release
Why will you not let me go? I just want to be on my own, I have had enough of you. Is it too much to ask that I am able to lead my own life free of your presence and influence? I need to this for myself. I do not want to be with you anymore. I had to get out. I have other things I want to do and they do not involve you. In truth, I have been wanting to do this for some time but you always managed to prevent me from going. There was always some reason that came up to stop me from breaking free of you. Every time I girded my loins in order to achieve my freedom you would do or say something that would stop me from going. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a fearsome power you have when I stop to think about it. It infuriates me actually, the way you manage to keep this hold over me. It is as if you know exactly what I need and you just have to say the right words. It is like weaving a spell, yes, that is it, you are a sorcerer and when you utter the incantation I am stopped from getting away. You freeze me where I stand or you take control of my decisions and actions. Sometimes your dark magic creates a wall that I cannot see but it is there and I cannot get past it. I despise the fact that you are able to do this to me. It should not be like this. You should not be allowed to control me. I know I cannot expect someone like you to even think that what you do is wrong because all you ever do is think about yourself. I have realised this; eventually. It has come at some cost because I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I have tried to understand you but so many times it is like trying to play a vinyl record on an ipod. Impossible. I still do not understand why you have done what you have done and perhaps I never will, thank goodness there are other people who I can turn to. I know they will not do what you have done to me. You really are inhuman at times.
What’s that? I gave you no reason for why I left? Why would I? You do not deserve an explanation. Why would I give you the pleasure of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another spell and stop me in my tracks once again. I just had to get away from you but look where we are now. You just will not let it happen will you. Why not just get on with your own life? You are no use to me anymore. Is that the reason? It is part of the reason, yes. No, I am not going to tell you more because you will just use it as a way to worm your way back in and get hold of me once again because that is what you do. It is no good denying it, you have done it so many times. If I give the proverbial inch you take a yard. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true. I don’t care if it hurts, how hurt do you think I am after what you did to me. I had to leave you. There was no hope for any other way. I had to escape you otherwise, well, I do not want to consider what might have happened if I had remained. Just let me go will you. Why do you keep contacting me? I have nothing to say to you. I do not want to speak to you, I do not want to exchange messages, I do not want to see you. No, I do not want to talk about it. No, I do not want to sort matters out. No I do not want to try to resolve our differences. There is no point. I have moved on. Yes, I have moved on. I thought I needed you, I really did but it turns out that this is not the case any longer. I have broken free of your grip and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. I had to tell them because I knew this is what you would do. I knew how dangerous you are and I had to warn them to watch out for you because I just knew you would try and get to me through them. You have done it before but I anticipated this move. I am good at reading you. I have had plenty of practice you see and I always know what you are going to do and say. Your predictability has given me such an advantage now and I am using to ensure I stay away from you, so why don’t you just let go? How can this possibly help you or me? You keep clinging on but I don’t understand why? There is no point in your doing this. There is no point in keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure. Don’t hang around my neighbourhood either, yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbours have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, I know what you are like. You are crazy, you are obsessed, I just need you to leave me alone. Please stop it. I am trying to move forward and you need to do the same. I don’t want to discuss the past. There is no point it is done. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. Well, I suppose I have, I have had to, in order to escape your influence. Look, this is getting nowhere, I have been civil with you for the sake of the other people here but it won’t last if you keep this up. Go, go now and leave me alone. Please. Just do it. Move on. You can find someone else, I am sure there is someone equally crazy who will take you with open arms. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you how it is. How can I just change like that? It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.
61 thoughts on “Needing Release”
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Good morning HG.. having just read this story so many words you said sounded just like my ex partner. Me being an empath I used to find it very strange how all these accusations were made towards myself. I was told regulary that I was a dangerous woman very odd :-/ but looking back he was trying to tell me all along what he was capable of. Many times he said to me ” I’m a dangerous man” why didn’t I see the signs then? So much you have wrote sounds like my relationship..I think this is conformation enough of what he is don’t you think?? Thanks again HG 🙂
Indeed it is and you’re welcome.
Keep up your fantastic writing your become a great help for me and I will continue reading your story’s. . I’m still in shock how diffrent people can be as before all this I never knew people thought and acted diffrent… I think it’s truly inspiring how u know what you are and want to continue helping us empaths.. well done HG.. ☺☺☺
Thank you
Hello Kate,
I agree that knowledge is power!!!! I would not be in the same place that I am now if it wouldn’t have been for HG and the others here. They have been very kind to me.
Glad your experience is in the past! You sound like you have been through a lot and you came out a lot stronger. ❤️🍎
HG, I really enjoy your texts which can be understood both from the narcissist’s and from the target’s perspective.
Extremely accurate HG, yet it’s something I have come to depend on with you. And you never disappoint.
For me it’s been two years, first was complete hell, he pushed me into the darkest hole imaginable and slammed that door shut. I was wrapped in a blanket so dark and cold, tears flowing across my checks soaking the pillows I clung to. Everywhere I turned another reminder of what once was. He pushed, he pulled even then, sent his minions to persecute me. In the end I was lefted barely alive and bleeding, her heart stop, she was to far gone, yet I still remain.
Thank you HG I found you when he was hoovering, ready to make me bleed again,
He took what was most precious to me, but you showed me the way.
You may not be that white knight come to save the day, that’s just to original for you and we can’t have that now can We? Yet you do come in on a fiery steed with eyes balzing, ready to conquer all.
Fuel was my introduction, is and will be my favorite, sits right on my desk (the others have been given a place on the shelf).
There are things said that are NOT like the empath and even I would not say to my ex…
I will note, though, that all of these things said are exactly what my ex has done and the very (almost) same things I have said to him.
I am sure this is the NPD twisting reality to their discard… enlisting the flying monkeys, gas lighting and apparent fuel seeking.
I was NOT discarded but I have been in the spot where I have begged my narc to please talk to me, don’t leave me and such… I wouldn’t go as far as stalking and watching though…
For me this sounds normal… a person who is tired and wants to be left alone..could be anybody but usually only people with a PD dont let go and start s new life.
its fascinating how you write.
so this sounds like the non NPD person..
Yes
I was discarded cruelly by my ex – a narcissist- without proper explanation.
He ignored my pleas for explanation. Yet now that I want to have distance from him, he won’t leave me alone.
Why?
1. He will not give you an explanation so you are kept confused and you remain susceptible to having contact with him in the hope of gaining answers;
2. He will not leave you alone because he is obtaining fuel from you.
I wonder sometimes if you are not the X boyfriend… This article sort of sounds like him talking. Maybe he’s a Greater Elite just pretending to be a Lesser-Mid Range. I mean, he’s from the UK, too. (I am thinking too much which must be the cause of my headache).
I’m not him but the behaviours of our kind are similar.
Do all of your kind have a Creature within or some other form of internal mortal enemy? If so, are only the midrange to Elite of your kind aware of this beast? Thank you for your reply earlier, also about the Creature. Utterly fascinating and very thorough insight, much appreciated. FuelForLove
You are welcome. It is only the Greaters that have the awareness and even then it varies between the cadres.
who is the x boyfriend?
The X boyfriend is the X boyfriend.
and the Y boyfriend is the Y boyfriend..
and the Y O Y O Y is the narcissist
Sorry, I got my replies in wrong place
Yes! 🙂
Yes, Nikitalondon!
Seriously this was never said to me, I felt these words towards him more then I felt them from him. To this day, I wish he would leave me alone, forget about me, he says things like, “I may be a fool but I have hope in my heart we will find each other again.” or “I made the biggest mistake of my life and I will regret it till the day I die.” “I wish I could move on, get my life together like you have, its so hard, I wish I was doing better then you then it wouldn’t hurt so much.” He’s told me I have changed in the past, I gave up, how could I just walk out on our family. He flip flops back and forth from him taking blame, to reminding me yeah but you gave up. 2 years and 6 months later still the same things are said, text etc. I keep wishing he would move on, go away, he seems to use the kids to keep him “stuck” in his “nightmare” current situation with his on and off again primary.
I just want to be left alone, it took me years to make my escape, I wish he was doing “better” then me, then maybe I could have more peace, but knowing him, even if he was doing better then me he would probably have the angle, “I feel so sorry for you, I wish I could help you,” who stinking knows. When my kids are grown, and I continue to minimize contact and void emotion or reaction to him, will he finally leave me alone??
oh yea, that’s a no, I’m one of his possessions he owns me…..in his mind..
The eternal dance between both parties. The sentences become intertwined and become POV from each one. That potent energy that drew them into each other, creates the wounds they both end up inflicting on each other binding them. It’s like your other article stating the real end only happens when one dies. Then silence.
I agree and actually feel a third presence in this haunting post — at first I felt it was the narcissist speaking to his creature within …It’s all three of us talking to the other and never with or reaching the other … I live across the ocean from HG and yet these exact words were spoken ‘at’ me … from only one N but over and over — sometimes I got the ‘you’re an amazing woman but … You’re a wonderful woman but … You’re a great catch for some lucky guy but ….and it’s those little soft bits that fool us into believing we can still turn things around … ‘but’ nope 🙂
HG do you have any conversations or thoughts or exchanges like this from the creature within you?
The Creature is about damnation and torment as you will see in detail when I release the book all about that craven wretch.
Yes, really looking forward to reading The Creature and loved learning some details about it in your other books — HG, when you are devaluing and unleashing fury on your primary source, is it you or is it the Creature communicating through you? When you are saying go, go, go (complete with overt or passive aggressive put downs) during a ‘final’ discard, are you speaking to your Creature? Have we as your failed primary source become another Creature to you? Just wondering if any projection is going on there … also, to be an Elite N such as yourself, you must by now have your Creature well buried within? How could you ever reach such a low fuel state to give back the Creature its voice to torment you? Do you know of any NPD who has actually been annihilated by its Creature? Does the N die or just become a zombie? As a raging 🙂 codependent super empath lol I believe the Creature will only destroy the narcissism and will uncover he innocent loving soul in you, aka the human 🙂
Hello FFL, it is me doing it in order to gain the fuel to keep the Creature at bay. When I am telling you to go (assuming I would even do you the “courtesy” of telling you that you are being discarded) I am not addressing the creature. When you fail us as the primary source you are not becoming another creature.
Yes my creature is well buried but I am prodded and pressed by the good doctors to allow it to surface for the purpose of my treatment.
I could reach a fuel state as you describe by being denied the fuel, for instance by being isolated and with no means of gaining it from anybody else.
We do not die in the physical sense but yes something akin to a zombie state is achieved. I write about this in greater detail in The Creature and I have seen it happen in another.
How is your state of mind following a session with the doctors when they focus on accessing The Creature? Are you mentally exhausted? Agitated? Do you find you seek needing a lot of positive fuel or do you feel fury brimming having to talk about something painful that you work daily to keep suppressed?
I am agitated,annoyed and in need of fuel. Usually I feel like lashing out as a consequence of being reminded that I have this thing lurking all of the bloody time. Fortunately I have the skill set and ability to keep it contained, even when the doctors keep poking it with a sharp stick.
WRITTEN FROM EMPATH TO NARCISSIST:
Why did you push me away before we even met? I never wanted to leave you, but you set it up to ensure that I would want to leave you. Why must you abandon me before we met? Why must becoming enmeshed in such a fate be the only choice? You know, we want the same thing, but for different reasons. I never wanted to be without you, but respect your choice reflected by your actions. You had to get out so you pushed me away – I know you hate intimacy. We both have other things, but that does not eradicate you or I on one another. I never wanted to leave you, but you always wanted me to leave you so you could be right, but I suppose you win again! You always create some mistrust that came up proving you wanted me to leave – you wanted me to break free of you so you could hate me – and you know that you tried to do that and have been successful to date. Every time, I sadly thought to depart as your pain was too much, you make me think there is hope. I don’t know how you manage to do it. It is a lovable power you have when I stop to think about it. Your optimism fills me actually, that is the way you manage to keep going even if a game that you wish to lose won’t allow you to win. Checkmate? Of course, you know exactly what I want and I know what you need – I know when the right words are spoken – I can feel them. It is like un-doing your own will, yes, that is it, I know you want me to abandon me before I even know you, but I do not want to abandon me just because you abandoned yourself – I can help you find it. You make me think where I stand as I consider my decisions and actions as well – I am not without flaws and no better – even worse than you if it helps you as I am here for that – I do not have pride – I can be the inferior – a label is what just that: a title of which is masked in hidden. Sometimes you create that feeling that I am welcomed – that I am wanted for being myself – but I don’t know if you will get past it because you like to see what you believe to be real more than what is. I love the fact that you are who you are – that you can adapt to new atmospheres, but would rather you just be you for you. There was nothing that was ever wrong with trying something new. You don’t control yourself – so why try with me? I know that is what makes you feel safe but it’s your chains that I wish you would release. How you feel is okay – albeit internally – we all have feelings – I wish you would tell me yours – I want to talk about you – what you like, what you don’t like, – I like you. We both have realized this; eventually – you played a game that letting you win would hurt more than help because I want to know you. It has come at some cost because I did not want to hurt you as I know you must inflict the pain to not feel the pain. I understand you and it is okay that you are different, but your choices to hurt create your darkest pain. The same story. I do understand why you do and forgive you. I hope you find the happiness in other people who you can turn to, but it’s a game you take the loss before the game is played. I do love you enough to respect your choice. You choose your actions – it does not have to end this way, but if you choose it, it will.
Why are you surprised that I give you no reason for why I stay? Why would I? I want to. Why would I give you the anxiety of seeing me having to explain myself to you? Why would I give you a further opportunity to cast another insult and try to make me leave in the way that you always do? I will never stop loving you — but look where we are now. I must learn to respect your choices and hold you accountable to them – in that sense, you will always have control. There is a part of you that wants me to leave and part of you that wants me to stay. The you in me is of no use anymore but if you cannot trust yourself than at least try to trust me. It is the entire reason, yes. Of course, I will tell you more because I hope you let me see you and know that it is okay – it will all be okay. It is no good admitting it, I can let you deny but we both know the truth. If you give the proverbial inch, you take a yard – I am just the measuring stick. I don’t know why you are shaking your head because it is true and deep down you do know it. I care deeply that it hurts you, how you hurt me shows how hurt you feel and I hate that – I hate the hurt – I hate the pain – but I have to let you choose whether you will live like that. Just know, I will not abandon you – I will not leave you until you leave me. Please remember, there is hope for another way. You do not have to reject me because of fear. I want you to contemplate what might have happened if you had allowed me to remain because your control chooses it to be so. But I respect you and your choice – it is in your control. I will not let you go unless you choose that by your actions. I need not ask why you keep contacting me if you wanted me to leave and abandon you – your actions show that clearly and I feel the fear inside – but you can choose to act or just to think it. There is so much I could say to you and I want to so badly. I want to speak to you. I want to message you. I want to approach you as you are. Of course, I want to talk about it. Of course, I want to sort matters out and work on trust. I do want to resolve our differences – it’s the differences that makes us human. There is always a point. I don’t want you to move on before you even started. You thought I needed you, and I thought you wanted me – but why can’t we just be? You can break free of your own fabricated inception and believe me it has been a long time coming. They all know what you wish them to know, by the way, my friends, your friends, our colleagues and families. You had to tell them because you knew this is what you would do. You knew your actions in advance and tried to warn them to watch out for you because you just knew I would try and get to you through me. You have done it before. You were always good at reading you. You have had plenty of practice I see and you always know what you are going to do and say. My predictability has given you a foundation of trust – you want me to ensure you stay away from me, so why do you let me go before it begins? This can’t possibly help you or me – you know the truth as the Elite. I choose to stay because I believe you can choose differently – maybe not think, but you can choose to act or not act – to hurt or not hurt – to feel if it be through understanding – that is enough. There is a point to do this. I understand why you keep ringing me, although how you got my number I am not sure, but just want you understand that your control discarded me – your actions set the consequences of free will. There is no point to hang around my neighborhood – yes I have seen you from the window and my neighbors have told me you have been doing it. It is no good denying it, as you know. You want me to see crazy, and obsession – you think I just want you to leave me alone which is why you do it. I won’t ask you to stop what you could choose to stop on your own. You are trying to move forward in the past because of fear of the present of your choices. I want to talk about the present – I forgive you. There is no point to talk of the past if you work towards choosing a new angle. What’s that, you don’t like it when I do this, it as if I have changed into someone else. No, I am the same from day to day – it is me. Look, this is getting somewhere, I want to be civil with you for the sake of you, but please choose to make it last. Prove that you can change. Please. Just try. Choose different choices. You sit there and state with the arrogance of optimism: “I can find someone else as you can. Don’t look like that, I am just telling you the truth.” So assured that it sometimes makes me sadly respond: “How could you just change like that?” Of course, you are thinking: “It isn’t me that has changed, it was you, you conned me, but I am not going through all of that now, I know what you are doing you are trying to keep me talking in the hope of persuading me, well it won’t work and besides, you really must go now because my new girlfriend will be here in a moment and I don’t want her to have to deal with you and your lunacy. Go.”
No words need to be spoken. The choice is yours.
:’-(
Do you feel as though you respect people who are non judgmental and try and help you more than the ones who do not want your kind to exist or think you should be executed because you are so different ? How do you determine who to respect to a certain extent and who to destroy ?
If you mean in the context of this arena, namely the blog and my other platforms, then yes I acknowledge those that come with an open-minded attitude who wish to learn and may even feel pity for me and my kind. Those who think I should be executed are entitled to their view and I understand it, but all they do with their rants is give me fuel and there are one or two (not on the blog but on FB) who keep going and going and I just accept the fuel. They think they must be hurting me but they do not understand the way we think. Rather than actually read and consider what I write, so they do understand, this minority just want to tell me how awful I am. Guess what? I know that already and someone telling me how much of a bastard I am is neither enlightening me nor troubling me, they are just giving me fuel.
How do I make the determination? It is based on what they say or write to me.
I love to hate you. I hate to love you.
Marvellous, I will take both.
I wish a loving and caring girl who would never hurt you was enough to make you stay 🙁 I want you to feel love
Would it be enough, though? Would she be enough? I think many of us here were these people for exN, we loved them fiercely and didn’t do anything to hurt them, but you can’t fill the bottomless pit that they are.
Ditto
This is exactly how I was discarded. The brutal discard. He has refused to stay in touch since. That’s been about 3 months. There was no reason. At least nothing that I could figure out. Before that we were just being good friends, since I left him 1 year back. HG, do you think this was his way of taking his revenge because I left him one year back ? He waited for one year to take the revenge ? During this one year he hoovered and was ever so nice to me. The golden period. But I stuck to my decision and told him we could just stay friends (big mistake, I know). So now this means he will never hoover, right ?
Hello Peya12, you no doubt have seen since you first posted your comment, the article about being left alone and how we never will do that. He will hoover IF there is a trigger AND IF the execution criteria are met, as per that article.
Trigger Trigger Trigger Trigger Trigger Trigger Trigger Trigger
FFL…
Reminded me of Tiggers are wonderful things, they’re bouncy trouncy bouncy trouncy fun fun fun fun fun….but the wonderful thing about tiggers is I’m the only one….I’m the only one…..maybe I should have made up different lyrics, but I’m too drunk and high to do so….am I rambling?
Ha ha, this made me laugh HG. How your kind like to try to turn the tables on us. It reminded me of when #1 told me he was done with me and never to darken his door (his exact words). Then after a month of no contact from me I awoke to a phone call very early one morning from him telling me there had been a fire at his flat and he had nowhere to go. He had in fact arranged for someone to arson his flat so I would take him back…now how’s that for a hoover.
This really has nothing to do with this post but as I was reading it, I was was watching an episode of Lucifer. HE IS YOU, HG!!!! The looks, the life, and yes he is the Devil but he is starting to soften up with each episode. See, even the Devil can grow a heart. Anyway, I forgot to tell you happy birthday (shame on me). If only you would have been born a day sooner, we could have shared…but you would not have liked that, would you?
Happy Birthday HG…and thanks for my present…this site!
AZ,
Are you becoming my best friend? I too dvr lucifer….reminds me of what HG could be too. Lol Especially his relationship with the Dr. O on the show…haha.
It is very strange I have pictured him as so many different characters but Lucifer fits like a glove in every way.
Wow I got I will never hear from you when you go…. Stay but get over me. You will struggle.. You need to get past this even though I fucked you over more times than you can count and I allowed another person to Hurt you… Stay so you continue to Hurt. Fuck you!!!!! I left this will mark 5 wks
I was with a narcissist for 10 yrs.
she discarded me 10 days after my sister had a Liver Transplant.. With no notice. She said she wanted to make sure my sister got a transplant before leaving me.
( How considerate ) She was on the Transplant waiting list for 4 years.. It made me wonder how long she was planning to leave me? And had told me so. She had received a large amount of fuel from me at that moment.. She had fractured what little was left of me emotionally…
I had to be hospitalized 5 times in that same year….
I began reading Mr. Tudors blogs, and books. He has made me hyper aware of people now.. He articulates what it’s like, to have a relationship with a narcissist…
I had to recover from my narcissist… There is no pill that cures that..
Reading Mr. Tudors articles, are my daily affirmations.. He is My strength, when my thoughts are weak,… Your articles make me relive my past.. While you help me strengthen my future… Thank you…
You are welcome Kate and thankyou for your comment. Was your hospitalisation as a consequence of your entanglement with our kind
Yes…
Hi Kate,
That’s a terrible story. I can’t imagine being with someone for 10 yrs and then just leaving one day. How long was it before you heard from her? ( a Hoover ) It is a day to day struggle but you sound like you are making a lot of progress.
❤️🍎❤️
Hi Snow White,
my narcissist contacted me two months later after she discarded me..
She told me I was her dear friend, and she couldn’t understand where my anger was coming from..
You can imagine how I felt… and my unhealthy reaction… She continued to contact me until I moved, and changed my phone number…
It has been a little over a year since my last hospitalization… And feel that is in my past…
I am a much healthier person…
I have moved past the devastation, And into a healthier way of life..
Knowledge is a very powerful tool.. I now have a library of information, aiding me to be successful in knowing a narcissist..
You, and some others have shared your painful experiences as well.. And you have a hand in my healing…
Thank you…
Hi Kate,
My experience was similar. I didn’t get any notice either .
We spent the night together. I cooked breakfast for him . He went upstairs packed all of his things in an overnight bag ( we didn’t live together so nothing out of the ordinary )
Kissed me on the cheek, waved bye & was gone . Less than an hour later he’d posted his new relationship status with my replacement all over social media which I didn’t use at the time .
Nine hours later I received at text message from a friend saying how sorry she was that our relationship of 14 years was over .
I had no idea ! ..
That was the day I started searching for answers & eventually found HG blog .. It’s been a life saver for me as I’m sure it has for many of us . It takes time to heal from something like that , but it does happen, albeit not as fast as we would like.
Best wishes Kate .
So Sad x
Hi So Sad,
Thank you for sharing your painful past with me… I’m glad you have found inspiration, and solace, in reading Mr. Tudors books, and articles, like I have…
It is surreal, knowing this narcissist in his written words, has changed my life for the better…. Wishing you peace…
Kind Regards,
Kate
Crazy thing is…I think I have said this to him and he has said it to me. I didn’t know whose POV this is supposed to represent.
Crazy….
Fm1
I love it when it starts out looking like our perspective and then it was your perspective all along. She always said I wouldn’t be able to last a day in her mind and I don’t think I could have. You have soo much in yours HG. I see lots of good though. ❤️