Tears – Part One
Tears. One might consider them the ultimate embodiment of emotion. Tears appear when you have experienced some kind of extreme emotion. I know because I have watched on so many occasions as I have sought to understand the circumstances in which somebody cries and why it is that they do so. I understand that when tears appear, whether it is a welling-up in the eyes, the single full teardrop which slides down a cheek or the cascading waterfall which leaves the eyes red-rimmed and blurry, it is as a consequence of you experiencing emotion in a huge dosage. What I had to learn was which emotions were associated with the emission of water from the eyes. The first emotion that presented itself for my understanding as to how it caused tears was pain. I remembered as a child that my younger brother was somewhat accident prone. If there was tree branch he would fall off it, if there was a wall,he would fall off it and once he even managed to “fall” off a rug and sprain his ankle. The cuts and bruises would have him howling in pain as he lay there sobbing or limped away tears trickling down his face in search of our father. I saw how a physical injury such as a scraped leg or bruised forearm would bring forth a flood of tears. My younger brother would await the attendance of my concerned father, usually brought to the scene by my always caring sister and his tears would be wiped away with a large white handkerchief as consolation and soothing words were administered. I was not accident prone and therefore rarely susceptible to physical injury save the deliberate. I do recall once catching my hand on the edge of the grill and instantly a sore red weal appeared. I presented myself to my nearby mother as I felt the tears forming in my eyes.
“No tears HG,” she announced firmly, “tears show fears, be fearless,” she instructed me as she cast a cursory glance over my injury and directed me to the cold water tap. Tears came from physical hurt but it was not to be for me.
Around the same time I also understood that tears were generated by sadness and it was sister who exhibited this the most. I would find her in one of her many hiding places (I knew them well as I used them myself) and she would be quietly crying.I would ask her why she was crying because I wanted to know. Thinking back, I never felt anything other than curiousity when I saw her with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
“Why are you crying Rachael?” I would ask.
“Mother shouted at me because I hadn’t tidied my room, she said I was a bad and dirty girl and I don’t like her saying that to me, it upsets me.”
I would nod in understanding and walk away, leaving her alone. She was instructive in showing me that sadness caused tears. Her rabbit escaped from its hutch and went missing so she cried because she missed it. She missed a birthday party because she was ill so she cried because she was sad that she could not play with the other children. If she watched something on television she would often be in tears as she felt bad for the starving children in Africa or the victims of some earthquake. She would cry and ask my father why God did these things and he would do his best to comfort her and explain. He was always good at finding an explanation, but he was a very bright man, well-read and with a keen hunger for knowledge which he invariably retained. There was at least something that I had inherited from him then. I would watch in fascination as Rachael would cry and he would scoop her up and make gentle noises to try to soothe her. Just as he laid a gentle hand on my sobbing injured brother, I saw how this demonstration of tears, be it through physical or emotional hurt engendered sympathy and caring from him. He never rejected them, he never barked at them to deal with it or get on with it, but he would always pander to their upset until he had chased it away and made them feel better. It always got them attention from him, more than I ever did. All they had to do was cry and the sympathy would flow with the attendant attention. I learned that quickly enough.
I, by contrast,never recall feeling sad. I have tried and the good doctors have asked me about this on numerous occasions.
“How did you feel when something bad happened to you?” Dr E would ask.
“What do you mean by bad?” I often have to help him provide some context to his questions. I thought he would have learned by now.
“If you did something wrong for example.”
“I was well-behaved as I child. I did as I was told. I saw what happened if I did not.”
“I see, did your parents ever tell you off?”
“Yes.”
“How did you feel then?”
“Resentful, angry, determined,” I answered quickly.
“Sad?”
“No.”
“Upset?”
“No.”
“How about after the incident?”
I glared at Dr E as I did not like him springing that on me without adequate warning. At least he had remembered to refer to it by the label I required.I remained silent.
“Did you not feel sad after that?”
“No.”
“How did you feel?”
I paused. I did not want to revisit this but I knew he would not stop until he had extracted something from me. He would prod and probe in order to fulfil his selfish desire to know how I felt. I felt empty and I felt angry but I had realised by now that if I told him this he would only go on even longer. The truth would not serve me here. I remained still and silent.
“How did you feel?”
I noticed his tone had become gentler, more searching.
I then thought of all the injustices that I had ever suffered, the hurt that had been meted out against me, the denial of my brilliance, the shunning of my achievements, the lack of recognition when I deserved so much more. I focused on the times when I had been ignored by the foolish, the fact that I am consigned to an unending quest for fuel. I brought to the fore the hurt that I keep under control except for moments such as this and I banished the room and Dr E from my mind as I allowed the floodgates to open. The desired effect eventually came, although it took some time and I eventually felt the welling in my eyes.I blinked theatrically to ensure that Dr E noticed and finally I felt a tear, only a small one though, squeeze out and make it was beneath my eye. I brushed at my other eye, features set in melancholy and still I said nothing. Dr E remained quiet as well as I stared at the floor willing another tear to join the first and thankfully it too finally came and rolled downward, a larger one this time which landed on my left thigh. He will have seen that. I did not look at him but concentrated on the floor still, summoning up all of the hurt I could muster in the hope of maintaining this appearance.
“I can see it is troubling you, perhaps we should move on. We can revisit this at a later time,” he said softly.
I nodded.
Those early observations of how the crying game worked had paid off once again.
108 thoughts on “Tears – Part One”
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Immc, no I am not. I need to find one, I suppose. See, I thought this was all very normal as I came out of being raised in dysfunction. I thought everything he did was suppose to be this way. And, I still feel certain that a woman should serve and tend to her man. But, I realized it was abuse when toward the later part as abuse became so much more painful. I was also not allowed to walk down different aisle of grocery store where he was not. I could not go outside of home. I could have no friends. I was only allowed to go outside to take out the trash if I told him where I was gone, and came right back. I did not mind, though, because I wanted to do this for him. But when it became so bad during physical abuse, I realized something was not right. It hurt too much to be right. He scolded me a lot.
Sarah, I served him in every way, (the Histrionic) for 10 years, happily. I drew his bath water, towel-dried him off, and served him night and day. It was not only his request, but I loved to do so because I loved him! It was my purpose and great joy to do so! But, as time went on, my love of serving him became a burden because he became physically abusive, thus I began to loathe him! Spiritually: he spanked me as hard as he could, leaving welts all over my bottom, for “having bad thoughts”, as just one example of Spiritual abuse, (but there was much more terrible spiritual abuse, at his hands, than even this; there was also the mental spiritual abuse, ETC..ETC).
Physical Abuse: Shaking me hard (he was very big and strong), throwing me into swimming pool whilst fully clothed; locking me out of house, naked, during wintertime; and many other, much, much worse physical abuse that I will explain here).
Emotional and Mental Abuse: the list is so long and complex that I would take over too much of this post, and I do not wish to do this to HG’s Blog 🙁
Part of histrionic is Attention-Getting. He vied for attention at my expense by humiliating me in front of others in many, many ways. Although, most of his abuse was done in secret.
I would have served him happily, and indefinitely, in love, had I not come to loathe him, and fear him.
I asked The Lord to make him die. He died.
Are you seeing a therapist who has training in pathological behavior? A regular therapist could cause more harm. I’m so sorry you went through this!!
Never cried so much as with them.. specially the last time.. glad its all over.. past forgotten.. the past doesnt define me 😃😃
I am like more then a few here, I have never met HG, yet i find myself feeling protective of him, hurting for the child he was, forced to become what he is today. My tears roll down my face everytime i read one of his books. I understand its a need to survive, and one must make choices good and bad.
Yet HG will win in the end, this i have no doubt about.
Indy
From my perspective, the creation of the narcissit yet i am also looking at the creation of the empath/co dependent.
I see both coming from the same environment. Learning to survive IMO in a hoistle enviromment.
Hi Rhonda,
My response to HG is still in moderation. I agree with you that narcicists and codependents often grew up in toxic environments, as do many other types of individuals. Why one becomes a narcicist and another person with BPD and another with codependency is the question. Many social scientists posit that it is a blend of biological make up and environment and protective factors in ones life along he way(mentors, healthy role models, hrrapists, teachers, coaches), and the number of additional stressors(deaths, illnesses, natural disasters, financial supports, etc)….it’s quite complex. Research suggests that many disorders are the result of this as are our strengths. Nothing is truely simple.
Thank you HG, its in this same environment thou the codependent develops to? I read the co dependent breaks when complete abandonment and left in isolation. If they break would they then be undesirable to another for this reason? Or would they still be able to find another if they chose to do so?
I have read all your books and just downloaded another which i do believe is the most recent Idolized and Ignored, yet correct me if i am.
Hello Rhonda, thank you for reading all of my works, it is greatly appreciated. The CD would be able to find another narcissist to attach to (or more likely be found by one) even if abandonment has taken place.
Just saw the *cruel* comment.
My narc was cruel even to his dogs; would beat them, until one day I caught him and explained it wasn’t teaching them to behave — only reinforcing their need for attention, *any* attention,* from him.
He still was a cruel f’head to people, tho. NO conscience re: his own actions; zip-zero-nada!
Beautifull reflection, another eloquent glimpse into the narcmind, thank you.
Any link to the *be brave no tears* salvos as the eldest/birth order? Or from MN’s similar upbringing?
Was so w/ my MN. Now I recall by design only her loving. & tender facets ♡she had to be an adult long before it was time. Bet it was f’in scary — ♡
The queries in your second paragraph are addressed in MatriNarc which is a forthcoming publication ICGB.
This is heartbreaking to read. I have so much anger towards her. You will win. Brokem record scratch…you will win.
I feel rage towards your mother and father – your therapy started because she thought you had a problem, yet she sees none of her problem…but now YOUR the problem? Really?! It’s almost unbelievable. And where was dad? Too scared to voice an opinion for the sake of his kids? Nice. I find rage to be a wasted emotion, but I feel what I feel. But whatever you do: DO NOT LET HER WIN. DON’T BE LIKE HIM AND JUST LET HER. Because quite frankly it’s BULLSHIT. But in respect, at least you are honest about who you are – but just know it was and IS FUCKED UP.
♫ Iron Man – Nico Vega ♫
Thank you Sarah, her behaviour is entirely typical. She will not win. HG will win.
🙂 Never doubted but the sooner the better. She can’t take you all for herself forever – that is not fair 😉
You win. You.
Is this a true story, or for fuel?
Regardless of any of that, his parents furthered his behaviors. That I know with certainty.
Thank you, Sarah <3
I probably should not have said certain as only HG knows and that could be construed to connote arrogance, but I am not a betting woman, but I would bet that HG mother mirrored him being a Narcissist and he was more of “her man” of the house. His father failed in protecting HG from that confusing role and standing up against mom – HG’s mom most likely defends her behaviors but his father was most likely aware and didn’t intervene.
I see, Sarah. Thank you. You all know about HG better than I do as perhaps being on blog longer, or his books. I do not know so much. I was checking with Amazon because I’m looking for order of dates. But, I do want to order Fuel, for sure. And, others.
I study HG’s work and see the side of himself he wishes us to see. I have both indirectly and now directly live with his kind, which gives me insights but I am not an expert by any means.
Here is a link for the Fuel as I am not sure where you live, but HG has the major countries links for you 🙂
https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2015/12/03/fuel/
Thank you so much, Sarah. And, I also appreciate this link, too! 🙂
I think it was, you, who was asking about past Histrionic relationship, but cannot remember off-hand if it was, you, or DC. But, I was going to add a few things about that relationship which I will do when I know, for sure, who asked me. This way, it will be relevant. Thank you <3
It was me 🙂
I am interested to see how this was portrayed in your ex as a male…I always associated it more with a female disorder.
Is there a book, HG, chronicling your whole life from A-Z, (although, we have not reached “Z”, as of yet).
There are instances in a number of the books which I have already written but there is much more to disclose and that is being worked on at present.
I need to figure out if there is a certain order to all of your books, and which is very beginning, and then second, third, and so forth…there are so many…which is magnificent!
One order is to take them in date order of publication.
Okay, I will see if Amazon has all the dates where I can do this. Thank you very much!
Thank you, i am curious as to do you believe this is cause by environment or your born this way? Or both?
Why would tears bring on a rage? Is it because it shows weakness?
I was his primary yet like my Grandparents he didnt approve of my tears. Yet in the end i do believe it was my tears that he wanted Or am i wrong in this assumtion?
I suspect it is because tears would be viewed as a weakness but it is also fuel, so his reaction was not the ignition of fury but anger which was exhibited to provoke you into crying.
Sir, I cry a lot; be rest-assured.
I so want to take that sweet boy in my arms and hold on to him until all the emotion that he has buried comes pouring out!! Thank you HG for sharing this with us. Xxx
Me, too! I will hold him, too- until it all pours out. Yes.
This is beautiful, Starr, and brought tears to my eyes.
It’s the truth and I wish he could care about people as much as we care about him . I wish he didn’t want to hurt others and I wish he could enjoy love . I really do care for his well being despite the wicked things he has done and it’s so strange because I have never met him and I have no idea what he looks like or how old he is but I’m still able to care . I guess that proves humanity has no limits .
Starr, which book(s) details the wicked things he has done; I must read it!
HG do you believe this is cause more from genetics vs environmental?
The environment.
HG and Rhonda,
I am being nosey, so I apologize. Do you think what is environmental versus genetic? Being a narcissist?
Curious.
Yes.
Thank you for responding. Can I respectfully challenge that view? This is your blog and I do not wish to disrespect, though I share a different view.
By all means, put forth your view.
Thank you, HG.
From information I have read from other authors on the topic, I have come to the belief that rarely anything in this world is purely environmental or purely genetic(save significant medical genetic disorders). One current viewpoint in the field of psychology and psychiatry is that many disorders (including personality disorders) are the result of genetic differences mixed with an environment that is either abusive(all types), traumatic or a poor parent-child match (one insensitive while other sensitive). Dr. Linehan refers to this as the Biosocial theory of BPD. Even though NPD is very different from BPD, there is a lot of overlap too, as you know. Many professionals in the field propose that we all are a product of our environment mixed with our unique biological make up to determine our responses. So, a parent that is narcissistic/abusive may create a child prone to develop later on traits or fully developed narcissism, and/or borderline personality, and/or depression, and/or C-PTSD, and/or anxiety, etc etc… The point is that the environment never produces the same result, it is the mixed complexity of our biology and make up with the environment.
Feel free to challenge this, as I am continuing to learn myself.
Thank you Indy, that is a sensible and pragmatic approach.
It aids in explaining why if child A and child B are raised in the same environment, that child A has a PD but child B has not because their genetic make-up is different and A has a susceptibility to that environment affecting him or her, whilst B has not. Further, child C has the potential to develop a PD but is not raised in an environment which “unlocks” it. Could it then be that child D who had a supportive and “normal” environment but developed some kind of PD was always doomed by genetics and the environment could do nothing to change it? You would think that if the environment when poor can unlock the PD in somebody susceptible, that if the environment if good could it not reduce or ameliorate the effect? It is an interesting discussion.
It is an interesting conversation, one we frequently discuss where I work.
All hypotheses and not proven( had to give a disclaimer as I may get my ass kicked:) so, the child D that develops PD in say the “perfect home” (does that even exist?)…..well, this child is still exposed to a world of teachers, friends, coaches, strangers, relatives….so, it is possible that stressors outside the faliy could have set it in motion. Also, stressors, such as early parent death, major disaster, poverty, war, etc, abuse from an outsider, major illnesses in the body, etc etc….
Attachment styles of parent and child may differ. Match of child and parent is also a factor and has been strongly implicated in PD development.
Now, say none of that happened. There is this theory called “genetic dosing”…..it is used in other areas, though it may apply more broadly. Not proven….but it’s an idea tossed around. What it means is that there are multiple genes involved that can get switched on and off, some may have one and have a very mild presentation or mild risk while others may have many of the associated genes and is more susceptible. Not proven, but used in other disorders to understand spectrums,
Another consideration in development of PD is prenatal environment in the womb. Was mom stressed during pregnancy (lots of cortisol), did she eat well, did she have any vitamin absorption issues, smoke, ….etc etc. all this alters typical brain development in small ways for some and larger for others. My mom smoked and I’m sure that’s why I have ADHD…haha (jk, though research has linked it).
Just shooting out ideas. I enjoy this type of hypothesizing, as it makes me realize that nothing is straight forward and it is a miracle any of us survived.
Meant with respect, and please challenge as I don’t purport that these are known truths, only ideas at present.
All interesting points Indy. I suppose that human beings are of such complexity it only takes a very, very slight alteration during a child’s development in the womb that has a ramification in terms of physical or mental outcome, leaving aside the effects of environmental factors at a later stage. I don’t know if you have seen the film Gattaca where there is genetic engineering so many ailments and diseases can be removed and even choices can be made as to eye colour, hair colour and so on. The designer baby. If it is feasible that this can be done to enhance, it also follows that minor adjustments which happen naturally can also detract or cause problems.
I haven’t though there is a Twilight Zone episode that kind of addresses the potential down side. Did you hear in the news of the first child conceived of three parents? It is truly the first time a human has been altered at such a degree and I might be wrong but I believe it was due to avoiding some genetic complication I think. I think it would be lovely and someways to be able to stop the creation of some severe disorders prenatally, however there is beauty in all of us, regardless of diagnosis and regardless of our flaws, our beautifully perfect flaws. When will you write beautifully flawed grandiosity, dear HG? You see, HG, even though I was abused by a narcissist, I learned some very important lessons about myself. Narcissists are amazing in many different ways too, particularly infectious confidence and occasionally in some narcissists, mesmerizing brilliance. With that said, I wish you could feel love the same way I feel love. I wish you weren’t addicted to anything(fuel), however we all are addicted to something really. We all have individual ideas of love and cannot know each other’s minds. I am not minimizing the severity of narcissism or sociopathy, just saying there’s a reason for everything and I hope this deeply in my heart. Including the birth of my grandson with autism. He teaches me a different perspective every time we play together. He teaches me views I would’ve never seen. All of us do this for each other if we have open enough mind to do so.
Bottom line, IMHO nature is beautiful and balances it all out without our help necessarily.
Do I want cures for suffering of severely painful things, sure. But at what cost?
The eternal question Indy.
Yes we do have many brilliant traits in terms of who we are and what we achieve. Much of the world would not function were it not for our kind. We lead, forge forward and pioneer. Not everybody who does that us of course one of our kind, but we are highly represented in areas of success and achievement.
Yes!! Agreed!! Just like there is a high proportion of folks with mood disorders and BPD and ADHD that are artists…how dull the world would be without these folks. My combo of “diagnoses” help me tremendously in what I do. It just makes life a bit harder at times….and, that is also how I learn.
And I know you don’t care about us or whether or not I die , but we still care about you and the doctors care about you and want love for you . Just remember yes the world is cold and cruel and people suck but it’s so beautiful to be that rare light and become the love and hope that this awful world needs . ❤️
Starr, he doesn’t want us to die. We would not be able to give Sir Tudor fuel then. He is very intelligent and is highly aware of this.
“There was at least something that I had inherited from him then”…you sound as if you regret you had not inherited other things from your father. Do you care to expand?
“I am not the eldest and I am the eldest.” A riddle, so a twin? Or, you are relied on because of someone older than you needs you?
HG, I really appreciate what you wrote here, revealing of places that you do not wish to visit. Perhaps you duped the good doc with the tear, perhaps you didn’t. It doesn’t matter.
Peace to you.
Indy
It was more a reference to how I have inherited more from my mother, almost to the extent where one might actually wonder if I had a father.
I am the eldest in one family and not the eldest in another family.
Thank you for your kind sentiments Indy.
So a blended family? Was your mother a single parent? I ask because I was. I know from reading your books you don’t get into alot of detail about your family, but is it not essential to understand the background so that us who are uneducated in these matters can understand why or what in your familial relationships caused you to become a Narcissist? I think if we have children we would want to shield them from this endless cycle of approval and accolades just to survive the day? Is that part of your reason for writing about narcissistic behavior? To educate how not to become one or raise one? Or is it more how to recognize a narcissists and stay away from them?
No she was not a single parent.
I have not provided much information on my family to date because the writing has been about me and also about narcissism. The familial element will come in later works.
I write because I enjoy writing and because it is part of my treatment. It is a collateral outcome that it is educating people on how to spot our kind and how to deal with our behaviours. Again the collateral education about not raising one, or countering someone who may be headed in that direction will come with later works linked to how I was created.
This was expected from both Grandmother and Grandfather. No tears.
You just skipped a generation Rhonda. Same principles apply.
I was allowed to cry; I was allowed to even die. Nobody cared what I did. There were no boundaries, no rules, no caring, no love, not talking (except for scolding and Gaslighting), and nothing else. I was non-existent. I did not even have a “self” because I was not alive. I could have committed a bloody suicide in front of mother, and she would have said nothing. No one would have cared. Just another “nothing” day. Even the chaos was nothing; by then, I was so dissociated that even I did not care. I was raped at 13, and still no one cared. So, I thought nothing of it, too. My mother pulled me down out of my place of sleeping, by my hair, and held up a knife, while glaring and saying words in another language that I did not even understand (ssssssluring her speech), and still, it all meant nothing. I remember screaming, and it still meant nothing. Nada. Zilch. (I gave my sibling chocolate Ex-Lax hidden in her meal to take for school lunch; now, that meant something).
No HG I was raised by my Grandparents.
My ex used to say: “oh come on?! Are u gonna cry now?! Go on then!” Well I am a big crier… but it gives relief and if at the same point gived You fuel then it’s fine by me. Great post btw dear G.!
A pragmatic approach Maddie and thank you.
Interesting…your brother and sister always sought out your father with an injury or sad event. What if he was unavailable and MatriNarc was there? Would she also tell them tears show fears?
My sister would go to my mother even though it got nowhere. My younger brother realised it was pointless and went to my sister instead.
So what coming of age type situations? I know you were stoic and did not go to your father if hurt or upset. Did you get to experience his gentleness with those awkward junior high / middle school years – voice cracking, shaving, asking a girl to a dance?
He had some involvement yes although not with the specific moments you mention, he sought to guide me more in academics, career, knowledge and such like. He used to try to talk to me about how to deal with people but gave up. I had formed my own methodology by then.
Did he give up because you believed your methodology was better and you would not yield to suggestions? Or was it because you had no respect for his opinions? Did he show more concern for the other children because he thought you were more self sufficient? That they maybe were not as bright as you so they needed more help? I ask because my parents said I would be the one that would not have to be worried about. They felt I was the most capable. Is that what happened with you?
He thought I was more self-sufficient and able to forge my own way.
This is something I’ve had a hard time reconciling concerning my N. He could easily cry. He cried at movies, watching the Olympics opening ceremony, certain songs, when I was hurt, when he surprised me for my birthday. Before the devaluation period began I would have sworn he was an empath. He comes off as very sensitive, and requires unending emotional care taking. What say you, HG?
I say how are you certain he is a narcissist? That needs to be established. If he is indeed one, then his displays were all about gaining fuel.
Everything else I’ve read on your blog fits how our relationship started, progressed, and ended. So I feel very confident of his N status. He hoovered me until we finally broke up, since then nothing, instead he acts like I don’t exist. It’s been a year since we broke-up, and with your help I’m learning to move on. I just don’t know if I could resist him if he tried to hoover me. Hopefully, if it happens I will be strong enough to resist. Because the sex was out of this world! LOL
That is curious that you dig inside yourself to generate an act of crying. I find it a bit oxymoronic to what you are. I’d think you’d learn by now how to generate tears by some external non emotion driven force. I am not sure I believe you feel hurt strong enough to generate tears, even the scares 2. But then.. anyway, very interesting if at all true.
You would love me HG! I have so many tears. I can cry about anything. I am just like Rachael.
She probably decided to release the arrow as soon as she saw how empathetic I was. Her grandmother was very sick and she passed away. That’s when our numbers were exchanged. I just wanted her to have someone to talk to. How things went downhill.
I have been trying to recall how many places that we went to that I ended up crying and it keeps growing. I was never afraid to cry in public. She just sat and watched.
Are you going to tell us about the incident? Or have you somewhere else that I haven’t read yet?
Thank you Snow White, the incident (well there are three actually) are in the forthcoming books.
HG, did you have an older brother? I couldn’t remember if I read anything about him in your books. And is that who you speak of in “Don’t Fail Me”?
Yes I have, he is called Robert. No, that is not who I am referring to.
Thanks for answering. I know there is a lot of your childhood that you don’t like to be reminded of. I hate thinking of all the bad things that happened in your childhood home. I hope by talking to us on the blog here that it brings you some relief and peace. I appreciate you sharing your life.
I am hypothesizing one is the loss of dad, though only a guess. And, I may be projecting my own losses of my parents. Looking forward to books.
Thank you Indy, all will be revealed in due course.
So were you the middle child?
Your anger is your mask – it seems as if it is your coping mechanism to actually feeling hurt. BUT hurt from an injury is different from hurt feelings. When I am injured I get angry…not sad. Then I become determined to get over it quickly because I do not have time to be down. At the same time I hide my hurt heart with my happiness… no one will ever know BUT it isn’t like I do not sit in silence (or usually my drives to nowhere) and feel the heart ache. I think this is also why your kind does NOT like to be alone, you don’t want to have to confront the hurt (or as you call it emptiness, because that is what hurt feels like.).
And I (my mothers only, my fathers oldest of a few) was raised as the middle child (thanks to my stepdad, my father wasn’t really around). You have a tendency to take care of yourself and your own issues because you are not the oldest (golden) nor the youngest (baby), you are just there.
No I wasn’t the middle child.
I think there is force in your observation about being alone. I know when I am alone that is when the shades comes, not always, but they never make an appearance when I am fuelling.
Ah so you are the eldest, were you planned? All three of you? You speak of your father placing interest in your brother and sister because of their need for nurture but it seems that you went to your mother when you wanted nurturing and not your father.
They say that children often look for more acceptance from the parent that shows less concern, did you grow up with your parents constantly fighting?
If I get too personal let me know and I will stop.
I am not the eldest and I am the eldest.
Yes I understand we were all planned.
They didn’t fight so much as my father just surrendered, I gain the impression that he did the fighting before I came along and decided to adopt a path of least resistance, although he did not leave.
I am going to assume then that you have half or step siblings who are older, did they live with y’all?
I understand you fathers position… I almost stayed with my ex-husband for the “kids”… he is either stronger than I or more submissive.
Correct. I have a half brother who is older.
HG,
So, older half brother, by your father or mother? You are the eldest of the next 3. So the eldest in this respect. Do you get along with half brother or were you tormented by him? Is he still alive? I ask because I have 3 older half siblings and one older full brother. I am the youngest of all. The oldest 2 are dead. My father’s first wife was BPD and married 8 times after they divorced. Your parent that had the half brother, was their partner they had him with BPD, narcissist or something of that nature? I ask because I seen the pattern of women my father chose and it stemmed from his Mother being a Narcissist. Looking for a pattern I suppose. I think you said that you thought techniques are handed down. Thanks.
Older half brother by my father. I do not have a huge amount to do with him. He is quite a bit older than me and he kept out of the reach of my mother (his step mother) as far as I can tell when we were younger. I suspect this was because of the influence of his mother. His mother was empathic but she was lured away from our father by someone who was evidently a narcissist and it all ended badly. My father would have taken her back but of course he had been ensnared by Matrinarc by this point.
Thank You.
I, myself, like to be alone. And, when there are always so many others around me, my only wish is to get away!
By shades HG, do you mean something internal or external ?
Internal.
HG this touched me yet, I am struggling to find the words to express what I am feeling, yet a tear rolls down my check.
Growing up I wasn’t allowed to show my emotions and God forbid I shed tears, got me in more trouble then receiving a B on my report card.
Tears are what brought the first silent treatment. Tears would bring his rage, I would see it in his eyes and would have to walk away and remember how I would hold it back before facing him again.
Why did my tears bring not only his but her rage?
Are you referring to both your parents Rhonda?
I loVe how the Dr. doing his job is experienced as “selfish” as though the Dr. is invested in anymore than the study of a narcissistic sociopath, the practice of his occupation and earning an hourly fee then at the end of the day going home and sleeping like a baby.
How does it feel to be the one being studied HG? Just as you account how you studied your brother, sister and father and what sort of attention their “tears” would get them and now perhaps you, the character in the on going story of “The Narcissist” is under the microscope.
I think by far the most “special” thing about all of this is how many people are benefitting from this information.
As always I thank you for sharing it HG.
I do not mind being studied Amy because I am learning from the process and it suits me most excellent well to know that the good doctors are learning from me.
It would be interesting to see the good doctors’ notes, and see what their observations are of this wondrous patient …not as interesting as your very own notes and articles, by any means…of course, Mr. Tudor.
Was the tear real or fake ? Also do you resent your parents ? They should have been more caring and sensitive towards you and they should have taught you love . Are you the way you are because your parents brainwashed you into thinking that showing emotion or tears is weakness and manipulation is power and a good thing ? You deserved better growing up .
Well it was there so it was real in that sense but it was manufactured as opposed to caused by any genuine feeling. I did it to shield myself.
I am still understanding why I am the way I am.
Thank you for your kind sentiment though Starr.
Well it’s not fair that you weren’t loved enough and it has turned you into a provisioned fuel addicted person . It’s like your mom stripped away your ability to love and care about being loved . It makes me mad because everyone should feel love . If I were you I would be pissed at my mom and go off on her and make her realize the damage she has caused . You would think that people are born with empathy but maybe in reality it has to be taught . I don’t know I’m still trying to understand whether or not people are born without empathy or love or if it’s created in childhood .
Mr. Tudor, when you shield yourself, are you dissociating..where everything looks dreamy in the world, and surreal?
It could be viewed that way, yes.
Me, too! I can do it anytime, anyplace…since I was 3 years of age!
And yet You CAN cry… I knew it. 👄💋❤ was is theatrical? Even if yes anger can trigger tears too. Xxxx
The psychopath would say “would I have tears in my eyes if I was lying when I tell you I love you?” I never saw tears any time else with him. It got to a point that when he did this, I wanted to laugh. He was good at making those tears appear.
My mother used to say, “Oh, you wanna cry, I’ll give you something to cry about”…and I eventually learned to take whatever she gave me (all the verbal and physical abuse) without making a sound.
Oh yeah, a regular line in my family as well. Not from my mom, but others.