The Smearing of the Empath
I have previously explained some of the forms that the smear campaign takes and also why they are so effective. Now I turn to the six reasons why they affect somebody like you so much. Smear campaigns are a constant in the arsenal of the narcissist. Effective, utilised through word of mouth and with the capacity to envelop several people at once who in turn perpetuate the smear, the smear campaign is a favoured manipulation of our kind. Here are six reasons why they affect you so much.
- Denial of assistance
The smear campaign is usually utilised during devaluation and on the cusp of discard. Its timing is such that you will more likely than not find yourself in a position of desperation, fatigue and confusion. Battered and buffeted by our manipulations through the devaluation period,you are in a poor position to defend yourself never mind having to defend your reputation with others. Once the discard hits you and knocks you for six, you are in need of considerable assistance. You need somebody to help you make sense of what has just happened. You need somebody to listen to you as you pore over the relationship and try to piece together (usually unsuccessfully) the cause of your fall from grace and subsequent discard. You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered. When your need for external assistance is at its highest, you find that those who you thought you could rely on to help you have been poisoned. Friends become unobtainable or suddenly busy with other commitments. Family are sceptical about helping you since they think you have brought it on yourself and they are even ashamed of your supposed behaviour. Colleagues are not inclined to assist someone who has been painted the way you have. These people disappear, turn their backs or even worse ally with our kind and the help and assistance you so desperately need has been taken away from you. This furthers your isolation, your pain and your distress. It also reduces your capability to address the nature of the smear campaign and neutralise it.
- The Corruption of the Truth
You abide by the truth. You speak it and live by it. Yes, you may tell the odd white lie but you are a paragon of virtue compared to our mendacious and repeated untruths. You believe in the truth and you need others to know that you are an honest and truthful person. You base your life on having honest dealing with people, both towards them and from them. It has been an horrendous enough experience dealing with our lies that we told time and time again to you, but it becomes even worse when you are being lied about. You may have reached the conclusion that we are well-practised liars and that is the way we are but to have your own reputation impugned and your character stained as a liar is anathema to you. This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.
- Frustration
You feel a huge sense of frustration that your reputation is being smeared but added to that is the frustration that people are actually believing what is being said about you. You are surprised and dismayed that people are falling for what we are saying about you. You are disappointed in those people who you thought would know better than to be taken in by what we have said. You really ought to know by now that just as oyu were taken in by our charm and seduction, so have they. Did you really expect them to respond any differently when you did not? The difficulty is, is that you know the truth about the lies being spun about you and you desperately want others to see through this but they do not. You understand why, because we base the smear on a grain of truth, we magnify and manipulate and twist and warp the truth so that people are deceived in an expert fashion but nevertheless you really though that people who you could rely on would see through this tissue of lies, this web of deceit. The frustration at this overhwhelms you and adds to the distress of the situation as a whole.
- The Lack of Control
We hate losing control. Most people do not like to lose control because this causes distress, anxiety and apprehension. If something bad happens and you are able to at least do something to address it, counter it or mitigate its effect you automatically feel better. However, if you are swept along on a tide by a force over which you can exert no control, the sense of helplessness is massive. You are made to feel like this because when the smear campaign commences your coping ability has been hugely reduced. We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. You do not truly understand why it is happening, why we are behaving like this and moreover why people believe what we are saying. You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.
- Keeping Up Appearances
Related to the corruption of the truth. Whereas the corruption of the truth alarms you because of the way that a central quality which you adhere to and believe in is being damaged, the smear campaign is also damaging how people think about you. You are not a person who is immersed in pride. You are neither vain nor conceited but you still want people to think well of you because you are a good and decent person. You just want people to know what you are and to have them told that you are something contrary to your actual appearance becomes especially upsetting for you.
- The Hammer to Your Reputation
Not only is your character and outward appearance as a good and honest person shattered and dented by the smear campaign, the effects of a smear campaign often go further. Your professional integrity is called into question with ramifications for your job, career advancement and livelihood. Your standing in the community is adversely affected which could have repercussions where you hold positions of trust and authority. If you have to be licensed by the authorities in some way, a smear campaign can place that in jeopardy. You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. You are made to feel like a pariah and you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. People are obsessed with appearances and if you become a PR nightmare not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.
79 thoughts on “The Smearing of the Empath”
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I spent nearly two decades with a man who eventually admitted that he never was in love with me & that he wished he could feel for our children the way I felt for them. After the divorce, I’d moved (with his agreement) to another country with my children to begin a new relationship. Ever after, he smeared & ruined the relationships I thought I’d built with the only family I had (all of my own had passed away in that time we were married). In retrospect, I now see a lot I didn’t then, namely his egocentric way & that he never seemed to have much interest in the kids or me. Oh, he courted me (from afar) but once I was there, things slowly deteriorated to a guy who was basically indifferent to us. All the while, as a small-town business owner, he kept putting on the show for people….I’m going to write a long & very informative letter & email it to every relative & friend I can find the addresses for. It may not make any difference but I’ll have my say, now that my children are both adults. Everyone will know the entire story at one time. Let them deal with the truth.
HG is it likely that a man that I paid no attention to and ignored wanted to gain my attention and ruin my image and success?
Queen D. M
It is entirely conceivable.
I concur with HG. Just glad it worked out – I would not recommend that you ever have shared counsel with an ex unless, of course, it was agreed with Miss Gentile and appropriate waivers were signed fully by him 😉 Sounds like you got a good grip on it…with the law, it something works out well in domestic court, continue until you can’t 🙂
I am a well established and accomplished women with many of life experiences. I do appreciate the concerns but I assure you I am very savvy. Perhaps you can look at my resume on linked and then you can know some of my experiences. This is only in the work place and not other accomplishments. Such as building homes. I live a charmed life. Trust me darling. I do not call it luck as I created it. I orchestrated the divorce, the settlement and my lifestyle. This divorce took place in 2011, it was over in six months. Most people I know with much less assets go on for years. He is a good guy and I am a good women so he let me have it all. I am sure he had some hidden as well. >
My second husband did a smear campaign on me. He told everyone I cheated on him. But he failed to say he asked me to do my thing and it was a do not ask do not tell situation. I did just that, but when the shit hit the fan, he gave me the Scarlet letter. But in the end, I got the bank account. We divorced in 2011 but lived separate lives for six years prior. Finally, I wanted out, so I orchestrated the divorce. Want to know how good I am? We used the same attorney, mine. He still cries and I know this because he still interacts with my sister.
The same attorney acted for both of you during your divorce?
I ask the same question as HG…did you sign a conflict waiver?
Yes, the very same attorney. Miss Gentile has been my counsel for twenty years. She represented me in the custody battle with my first husband, the adoption of my children to my second husband and the divorce from my second husband. She is now a Judge in the family court. It was an honor to watch her get sworn in too.
Do you think I would not have it tilted my way?
Do you believe that I would handle the divorce in a way that I would not be protected?
The agreement was sealed. The fallout of what he did after, walked away from his half, marital home, contents and such, was the most difficult part. But in doing so, I ended up with all the artwork. He did not want to deal with any of it. I fired his attornies and negotiated with the bank to settle his debt.
I walked with assets, and he walked with whatever he had hidden.
It was amicable.
I have not talked to him for over two years. He emailed me a rude letter, and I cut him off. He still interacts with my sister and my son’s.
Any other questions?
So did Miss Gentile act for both you and your husband in the divorce? How can she when there is a clear conflict of interest?
She facilitated the divorce. Yes, she was my attorney and he agreed to this. Yes, we signed documents to this agreement. It was amicable so no battle. We agreed on the settlement that SHE wrote up and signed it, filed it and in the month of October 2011 the judge signed it and I was free. Easy. >
Ah so she didn’t act for him, she acted for you and he just rolled over and accepted the proposal and signed the documents. All she did was act on your instructions to embody the settlement you and he had reached. She did not act for him.
Correct. My bad if I said she acted on his behalf. I thought I stated we used my attorney. >
That’s what had me confused, I thought she was acting for you both, makes sense now.
Smh. Senseless.
With respect to the Coalition to Derail HG plot, how public is your family taking it? Are they keeping it close, screaming it from the rooftops or somewhere in between? It would be easy for Matrinarc to tell anyone who listened and invite them to “pass it on”. What would your reaction be if someone in high standing almost to the point of being irreplaceable to you in some capacity, asked you if it were true, chose to believe her and then started passing it on to possible replacements? I hope she isn’t doing that, but do you realize she is the one with the power over you in that respect? Today your family, tomorrow…who knows?
It is not being made public by them.
1. They recognise the risk to by professional work;
2. MatriNarc would not have anybody else think ill of me outside of the family;
3. The confidentiality clause was included as part of me consenting to undergo the treatment.
I would not regard anybody as irreplaceable 1jaded, that is the nature of the beast.
1. They do care.
2. She gets to hold that title?..now I’m more confused. Or does she think it would reflect on her as a mom? Based on your answer I might have a follow up.
3. This seems like a no brainer. Pushing comes to shoving, what would have happened without that clause? In contract negotiation, it is sometimes the silliest things that prevent the seal. I’m going to assume there is a you better never do what you did again…ever…clause in the doc as well? Is that correct?
I understand that everyone is replaceable. I was asking in the extreme. If you fell from grace in the eyes of those who held the power, what would you do? That’s hypothetical question assuming you never do what you did again bc the next time it might become public?
1. They like to maintain that they care;
2. Yes it is how it reflects on her with her carefully crafted façade;
3. If there was no confidentiality clause my bitch of a cousin would probably have leaked the information. There is the assumption that the treatment will result in me not doing those things again.
Move to pastures new.
Dickula doesn’t engage in smear campaigns. He rewrites history, to be sure, but even as he has snatched the rug out from under me after tricking me, (with marriage and other grandiose proposals) into stepping back onto the rug and is engaging in a horrifically cruel devaluation he has never smeared me, or anyone else that I know of. Is this out of the ordinary for a victim/mid narc?
He may have smeared you but you do not know that he has done so, that always remains a possibility. Alternatively he may determine that a smear would not suit his purposes and thus he has not engaged in one, it is rare but may happen.
HG your sister is right.
Your sister amuses you? If you dont mind me asking in what way?
I had a younger sister (raised by parents) i miss her. She was the only one that knew i cried alone at night when noone was looking. She would never have left me regarudless of what was said.
Mine made sure i was completely alone. My guess the punishment had to fit the crime. Is this how it goes or is it just a must to isolate HG?
Her unquenchable optimism when I am so cynical.
Isolation and appropriate punishment are often both applicable.
Would you prefer such a person to not be around you at all?
No Sarah because she provides me with fuel.
Maybe I really don’t get fuel – but it feels to me some fuel can severely piss a Narcissist off which obviously would be a bad a day? Any advice on how to translate that disaster before it happens?
Fuel does not piss us off. Quite the contrary Sarah.
He admitted to cheating on me after he could no longer deny it . I hacked all of his accounts and spoke with the other girl on the phone . He told her I was obsessed with him and I was insecure and I wouldn’t leave him alone . He told me that he was sorry he cheated and that she was crazy and she wouldn’t leave him alone . He tried to turn us against each other . He has told other people I’m obsessed with him and has told me that I’m bi polar and then had the nerve to say we both have issues we need to get help together . I don’t know what is worse the lies to my face or the lies he makes up about me . I said “why are you telling people I’m crazy ?” He said “You are but its cute and I still love you ” “we both need help . ”
The smear campaign and triangulation is awful and what he put me through almost killed me and I’m still barely hanging on and it’s been a year since the breakup . How can he spend so much time with me or any other girl for that matter and not get attached or fall in love to the point where he won’t hurt me . When you love someone their pain is supposed to hurt you as well and their joy is your joy . It’s frustrating and not fair .
Entirely typical behaviour Starr, as mentioned, if you read Smeared you will learn a lot more about this subject and how to tackle it.
People who have never been the target of (an) insidious smear campaign(s) cannot believe the damage character assassination can do to an individual in ALL areas of his/her life, although HG has described it accurately in his books and articles.
I know some readers will think he is exaggerating or that this will never ever happen to them. Some people are convinced their family, relatives or long-time friends cannot be manipulated in any way because they have known them from birth, or longer and better and there is nothing the perpetrator can say or do to change other people’s opinion of them. This is far from reality.
The majority of people (HG call them “normals” and other authors call them “apaths”) have a pack mentality and will join the perpetrator rather than stay on the empath’s side.
It does not matter if some people have known the target since birth. It does not matter if the target has helped them through difficult times or even saved their life. Most people will believe the lies they are told. They will even sabotage the target, if they can. And eventually they will continue doing the perpetrator’s work until the target, isolated and almost destroyed, has no one to turn to.
Oh yes, some normals will contact targets and be nice when they want something from them like money, a work recommendation, a holiday for free. But they will never be on the target’s side. Once the scapegoat, always the scapegoat.
A good post EB.
I had this once .. it can really be destructive .. i did nothing. I just waited that and hoped the truth would come up one day.. and it did.. i suffered alot but at the end the truth came and that is important
It is a war! Great article, thank you
Yep….and I already had l legit strikes against me in which I was open and honest about to everyone but it made is so much easier for him to smear me, make me look like the horid person and i felt it and it hurts and he still uses it against me!
Example: A gf of mine started talking to a guy who just became friemds with DN. The first thing he said to her was “do you know what AZ did to DN?”. Her response, “do you know what DN has done to AZ?” Thats my girl! !!!!!!
This post is so relevant at the moment! To be honest all of them are but this one has been written at a perfect time. However, you did not mention if there are any possible ways to awoid smear campaign before it even started. Are there? Any? Thank you H G Tudor for your insightful writing…
Thank you J. Read Black Hole in that respect.
HG do you think a co dependent can face what the narcissit has kept in check and overcome this?
If my sister is to be believed, the answer is yes Rhonda.
Good morning HG, is your sister aware of your therapy with the doctors?
Good morning SW, yes she is, she formed part of the Coalition To Railroad HG.
Lol! I wondered if she was the one who really believes that you can overcome everything. I can picture myself as her and having you as my brother and I would be fighting and pulling for you. She has HOPE. Does her optimism annoy you? Lol
It amuses me more these days.
So your sister, Rachel, is cured? She is no longer a co-dependent? If so, how do you feel about that? Is it not a loss for you?
I do not regard her as cured, she maintains that she has made considerable progress to address her co-dependency. I have seen some changes but whether her CD has been cured or reply boxed off ready to be re-awakened remains to be seen. It is not a loss for me as these days I do not rely on her for fuel in the way that I once did.
Thank you. I wish her the best. Does she have an IP right now? Forgive me, I do not want to pry into your family’s personal life. The reason I ask is the only way I’m making progress is by being alone. Yet all my old desires are right beneath the surface. Yes, I’ve applied more boundaries in regards to family and friends, but that’s mostly by running away. I know if I were to start up with another IP, all my traits would come rushing out of the flood gates. Probably stronger now cause I’ve suppressed them for a while.
Yes she has a boyfriend. He is not one of our kind so that in itself suggests that she is making progress. I know her ex husband who is a narcissist sniffs around though and I think she keeps in touch with him more than she would admit.
Yes that would make sense. The normal ones just don’t have the same effect on us. It is as if something is missing. Thank you.
It is posts like these, HG, that make me so glad we met on this forum and you teach about your kind! This post goes back to why people need to buy your books and learn these things BEFORE…and not after. This post should be enough to sell millions of copies so people will become aware…
I am under the theory that the rate of clinical NPD is increasing making this a more prevalent concern…do you agree/disagree?
I cannot disagree with your observations Sarah.
Our numbers are increasing.
Is it that your numbers are increasing, or are specialists now more able to identify NPD? In many cultures, NPD, especially in regards to men, would be an acceptable behavior, even respected.
He is cold, callous, selfish, manipulative, and a womanizer?
Of course. He is a man.
That is what men do.
Where are the stats for the increase? People with NPD traits do seem to be increasing but are they NPD? My heebie jeebie factor increases with one but that isn’t scientific.
What level N are you?
I’m branching out. You are my main source of info. I finally saw SV and his wife. The interview was fascinating and amusing how they got on in front of the camera. Maybe it was for show. The banter…He is so unassumimg but I saw it in his eyes. Not nice.
I see you with someone…no, it isn’t me. We can both heave a huge sigh of relief at that one.
The NPI has shown repeated increases over the last two decades, according to the material available. I agree with you though, there may be an increase in narcissistic traits but it is much harder to gauge whether there is an increase in NPD, but I would opine it stands to reason that there will be, as a consequence of
1. Increasing narcissistic behaviour feeding an environment which promotes NPD;
2. Increasing awareness of NPD therefore more narcissists are identified;
3. A cultural shift whereby people actually see some narcissistic traits as acceptable e.g. boasting about your achievements, whereas 50 years ago this would be regarded as “bad form”
4. The increasing reach of technology allowing those with NPD to affect more people
I am a Greater Elite, a narcissistic sociopath.
Who do you see me with?
Thank you. I was going to say your ex. I was wrong
Hi, Sarah. Is the narc in your world a step child? I am trying to recall. Is your husband a NARC too?
The concern is that her step child is.
I thought so. I recall saying it was wonderful she is trying to help this person. Is the child in therapy? >
I’m not sure OO, I will have to leave Sarah to answer that one.
I need to fix my oo to SA. I tried to exit but I am addicted. I traded one Narc for another. I just wanted to reiterate this fact.
I need to go hunt.
Thanks for bringing me up to speed on Sarah. She is sweet.
What’s up, SA? To answer your question, my stepson (SS) was selected as worthy of the golden child status by his mother – my husband and I received full-time custody when he was 11. My husband is not a NARC, but his ex-wife unfortunately has all the symptoms of a MATRINARC as it gets (super excited for HG’s book to come out)- I am here to understand how to backtrack the golden child process, and am actually understanding more what the kids went through – paradoxically, he has conflicted feelings about his mother – by proxy I am the target of a lot of the anger. The symptoms are getting better since he first got here but I think that I have gotten more apt to handle it as well so could not say for sure. But I think I am beginning to understand the push/pull that creates the desire of wanting to be loved from the person who is supposed to love you the most coupled with the fear of receiving or not receiving that love which leads to a suppression of self and turns all intimacy into a game so he could stay sane (Going Mad to Stay Sane – Andy White book is on my dresser) – he was not allowed to cry, feel pain, or show any weakness. Ex and husband have to mutually agree to therapy but I have taken it upon myself to try to assist as that day most likely won’t come.
Sorry for the long response 😉 – how is your day going? I like ur pic too btw
Hey Lady, Wow hands full for you. Try to at least get the father and child into therapy. From all I have read the sooner the better and after 15 it becomes more difficult to undo anything. You join them. As you are his parent too. I like a person who is proactive. You have also come to the correct place for learning on all levels. I wish you well. My day is going well, I just walked 4 miles. I workout 5 days a week and walk the other days. I like food so for me it is always a hunger game. lol I try to stay ahead of the bread and butter. At least I will not eat it unless it is wonderful bread, fresh. I love the bread and butter in Europe. Not sure why? Sweet Butter. >
Hey Lady, Wow hands full for you. Try to at least get the father and child into therapy. From all I have read the sooner the better and after 15 it becomes more difficult to undo anything. You join them. As you are his parent too. I like a person who is proactive. You have also come to the correct place for learning on all levels. I wish you well. My day is going well, I just walked 4 miles. I workout 5 days a week and walk the other days. I like food so for me it is always a hunger game. lol I try to stay ahead of the bread and butter. At least I will not eat it unless it is wonderful bread, fresh. I love the bread and butter in Europe. Not sure why? Sweet Butter. >
Thanks for the response 🙂 Mom and dad have to “mutually” agree to a therapist, which hasn’t happened yet and with those two, I don’t know if it will ever happen. Little man doesn’t want a female therapist so there was one that both of them agreed and then he nixed it – his mom let’s him make those kind of decisions which frustrates on our end, but it is genuinely how she believes it should be. I also really appreciate you saying that I am a parent too – not many people really are receptive towards stepparents. I try to stay out of the parenting issues as I know no one signed up for another parent, but I am with the kids 360 days a year now – they even have a choice in their visitation order to see the other parent as that is how mom wanted it.
That is awesome you have a work-out schedule going on – you sound very disciplined! I loved your Hunger Games analogy and am going to have to use that as it is so true!…I’ve never been to Europe…so as an American I can’t comment on the bread and butter there verses here, but I am sure yours is better because it is in Europe! My weakness is pasta! Have you been to the States?
My dear Sarah I am an American, born and raised. I live in Las Vegas, Nv. but was raised in Maryland. I have traveled internationally. I spent 20 days in Sweden this past summer and loved it. I will return next year for a month or so. I love the beautiful blonde hair, blue eyes. I am going to find my playmate there. I am not keen on American men at this time. >
Was Sweden awesome?! I have absolute faith and assurance you will find your playmate – you seem like a rockstar and have that determined strong personality that is highly attractive to all encounter it :). I haven’t checked your comment back on one of the thread’s comments I was reading (how does ANYONE keep up with all that on WORDPRESS BTW?!) but you mentioned you were jointly represented by counsel in your divorce with your husband? Was that in the States?
Yes, it was in the States, The divorce was amicable.
As long as you are satisfied with the results that is all that matters.
An understatement Sarah. I am ecstatic. I thank him everyday in my mind. I would still e friends with him if he did;t rink. Sometimes I think of reaching out but I know he would cry. I also have life insurance policies on him so I keep tabs. Business is business. I received them in the divorce settlement. I own them now. >
Probably best to leave the past in the past and enjoy the present…but I am still chuckling how well the divorce litigation process went for you – I think lawyers should hire you as a psychological consultant 😉 It’s a compliment – u totally dominated 😉
My friend who is a psychiatrist, said I should have written a book on my many adventures. There was a time. >
What I love about Sweden. They speak English. They are progressive and non-religious for the most part. I interact with the culture well. They are beautiful to look at in my mind. I feel very at ease there. I am going next summer to volunteer at the medieval festival on Gotland Island. This will be fun. I was actually asked if all Americans were like me? I got along very well with everyone, except for one. It was in a bar, and she kept pushing me as I was trying to order a drinks. I said “if you were in my country, you would not be treated this way.” She said “thats right but you are in my country now” I said yes I know and you are rude and a scank.” I do not back off when I have cocktails in me. I was with two guys and they had my back. She was a bitch. Not very pretty and not of Swedish descent. >
Ah Oh, my money is on u all day long -You are a strong-minded woman – even outside your country, they don’t stand a shot 😉
And my money is on you for the salvation of your step-son. Do not ever stop fighting for him. >
Ah Oh, I needed that encouragement. I am not going to give up on HG either.
Sorry – didn’t mean to copy your message in mine – actually not quite sure how that happened…
I was surprised at all the names my ex called me to my face. All PROJECTION!!’
I could only imagine what she was telling all of her friends, colleagues, and family. I knew there was nothing I could do. No one was going to listen.
What really bothered me was when I saw her social media making fun of me and taunting me. There was one picture and post talking about me having an ice cold heart. That hurt💔 I cried and cried…. Now that I have more knowledge I’m not as emotional. I can even laugh at a few things out there.
I do worry about future smears. I know HG you have plastered pictures of some of your victims. What makes you decide to get more vicious? I am staying out of all 5 of her spheres and she still has a primary source.
The need for fuel, if the victim exhibits resistance and if I deem they especially need to be punished.
I would not like it if a Narcissist plastered a picture of me, anywhere 🙁
Marvilous HG, yet this brought me to uncontrolable tears. The silence and isolation is unbearable. To feel like your very soul has been ripped out and all thats lefted is what was trapped. To face this.
Thank you HG for bringing the understanding and helping me understand what has happened.
Very hard truth to swallow, yet to move on it must be done.
You are welcome Rhonda.
I just realized, I really like the word smear. It evokes so much imagery.
Every time you use it, I get shivers down my spine.