Now I Have You

 

 Image result for spider and fly

We rely on ensnaring our victims. Whether it is a stranger who we pass each day and smile at, knowing that they will return the smile, whether it is a friend who relies on being associated with us and who enjoys the benefits of being seen with us or whether it is the intimate partner who is installed as our primary source, we need to ensure that our fuelling appliances are attached to us, connected and secured so that we can rely on the fuel being pumped our way. We have our ways of determining whether an appliance has become ours, no matter what source the appliance belongs to. These “shows” or “tells” are important to us for several reasons:-

  1. We know that the appliance has become attached to us and therefore the fuel will continue to flow;
  2. We are aware that our seduction of the appliance has worked. We seduce everybody that we target. There is the generally accepted definition of seduction that is applicable to the primary source, but our seduction also manifests against those who are secondary sources. When we seduce, we charm, win-over, beguile, attract and so forth and we do this to the friends, the colleagues and family members. Our seduction of a stranger may be as straight forward as smiling at them so they return the gesture, but it is a seduction nevertheless. Knowing that the seduction has succeeded is important.
  3. Once we know we have you, then we can adjust our approach appropriately. This may mean maintaining a certain level of behaviour and thus conserving energy, thus we do not expend energy too greatly trying to charm you further when we have already succeeded. It may mean knowing that since you have been seduced and you are attached, we can turn our attention elsewhere.
  4. We can broadcast the seduction to other people and know that we will not err in doing so. This broadcasting allows us to gain fuel both from those who admire our newly seduced appliance and those who are jealous of our latest conquest. Either way we receive fuel. Accordingly, the relationship bulletins can begin.
  5. It will be the trigger for the discard of the malfunctioning current primary source. Once we know that the prospective replacement has been seduced and attached we can commence the discard.

Not only do we look for these shows and tells in order to confirm to us that the seduction has been achieved, we use them as way markers to confirm to us that we are heading in the correct direction during the seduction and it will not be too long before we have you completely in our grasp. These indicators are important. If we do not see them, we know that we must apply more effort, more charm, more seductive power in order to reel you in. In some instances, if they remain absent we may form the view that the seduction is floundering and we may be better served turning our attentions elsewhere, so we are not denied fuel and we do not use up our energy on a wasted prospect. It is unusual for this to happen, but it can and therefore we need to see these indicators that confirm to us that you are falling under our spell, that you are being seduced and soon you will be attached to us.

In the context of seducing an intimate partner as a primary source these indicators are at their most prevalent and of course, by reason of that person being a prospective primary source, they are the most important ones to look for. Whilst it is material to see certain signs which tell us that we are acquiring a new and loyal inner circle friend, it is the indicators which signal to us that the prospective primary source is heeding our overtures which matter the most.

So, what are these indicators? There are many and the ones detailed below are not an exhaustive list but some of the more common ones. Some of these indicators do happen in ‘normal’ relationships, but they still should be heeded because they demonstrate that you are falling for us, that our charms are working and this will give us the comfort and information that we need to adjust our plans and machinations accordingly.

If you realise that you are doing these things now, then you are telegraphing to somebody that you are submitting to their seduction. If the seduction was once in the past, you may well recognise some of these things as matters which you did or said. Moreover, you will now know that if you wish to lay down a false scent, if you will, and deny us the indicators, these are the things you must avoid in order to encourage us in our seduction of you.

 

  1. Answering your ‘phone within one ring when we call you.
  2. Answering text messages in less than thirty seconds when we message you.
  3. Answering your ‘phone, whether call or message in the middle of the night.
  4. Cancelling plans with other people so that you can see us.
  5. Inconveniencing yourself to spend time with us, for instance, travelling across town just to spend 30 minutes with us in a lunch hour.
  6. Calling us and not having anything really to say to us.
  7. Asking to know what our movements are during the day.
  8. Going to something or doing something even though we know you do not like it really, just to please us and/or be with us;
  9. Dropping everything to come to us on the pretext of an emergency;
  10. Agreeing with us when we tell you that friends, family, colleagues etc are jealous of you and I and you do not try to make excuses for them, but instead you express dismay for their attitudes.
  11. Buying something so you have the similar item to us.
  12. Asking for an item of our clothing with our scent on so you can have us close to you.
  13. Allowing us to borrow something and not asking for it back even though we have kept it for longer than we said we would.
  14. Lending us money and not asking for it back.
  15. Preferring to stay in than go out with your friends in the hope that we will call you.
  16. Turning up unexpectedly at a place where we are.
  17. Making considerable changes in your appearance to impress us;
  18. Making changes to your home in order to impress us;
  19. Writing poems or love letters to us;
  20. Offering to do chores for us even though we do not live together;
  21. Wanting us to accompany you to events
  22. Telling us you miss us even though it has only been an afternoon that we have been apart.

 

Whilst it is a fact that these indicators also happen in ‘normal’ relationships, it is the fact that so many of them occur and that they do so with undue haste which sends us the signal that we want to see. Some would not happen in any relationship and with others it is the speed and aggregate effect of them which provides us with the indication that we wish to see. Be mindful of whether you are doing these things because if you are and you recognise the red flags of the way we behave towards you, you are in effect issuing a “come and get me I am yours” to us, with all the consequences that flow from that.

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48 thoughts on “Now I Have You”

  1. Hi HG. I am taking a chance replying since the person who discarded me last month may read this (my name comes up often in Google searches, too, perhaps more times than yours does; however, I am not going to thumb-wrestle with you about it).

    Your writings are helping me heal from what was a seduction (grooming, one friend called it), devaluation and discard. Yes, they are stirring emotions in me as my intellectual Rolodex finds several experiences that relate to your post I am reading at the time.

    There may never be a hoover period, and he may not ever contact me again. Then again, never say never. I keep reading and getting stronger. Thank you.

    1. Benefits which the victim provides to us. It might be that they cook and clean for us, they might lend us money, they may give us somewhere to live, they may allow us to use their car, the may provide considerable care to us if we are unwell and allow use of their resources. The Lesser and Mid-Range especially look to the residual benefits.

    1. Hello Intrepid, cool name by the way. 4 years. She was a magnificent provider of fuel, traits and residual benefits so the golden period lasted longer and she was the one I married.

      1. Being the exemplary teacher you are, I have learned that the golden period will last longer if a former IP still holds on. Therefore, you are able to enjoy both negative and positive fuel simultaneously. Was this the case or was she an exception to the rule?
        My only regret has been that I failed them, and so the devaluation period had to commence… Maybe one day I’ll get it right.

      2. Thanks. Like what the word means and also the code name for the famous WWII spy. Is marriage another “now I have you” factor? Does everything go downhill from there? If the residual benefits are substantial, will that keep a narcissist from seeking fuel elsewhere?

      3. Marriage is very much a “Now I Have You” indicator. It doesn’t necessarily go downhill once we marry but when the primary source who we have married fails to provide us with the fuel that we want. It may be the case though that the fuel drops a little but the residual benefits are so substantial so the N won’t discard (especially if he is a Victim Narcissist) but he will devalue. He may triangulate with someone else but be unwilling to give up the residual benefits and therefore there is less risk of a discard. This happens more with certain raging narcs – acceptance of home comforts in lieu of the best fuel, but it still has to be provided, if it dries up then there is a problem.

    1. Yes in respect of the Formal Relationship. remember, the Narcissistic Relationship only ends when one of us dies.
      1. From your perspective it should be brought to an end because of the way you are being treated;
      2. From our perspective it is moving towards the end of the Formal Relationship but it may still be some way off.

      1. Why does it ever need to end, Sir HG? Could the appliance not continue to provide positive and negative fuel forever, especially if you also had other sources of other fuel, as well? Is this because you become bored and despite the positive/negative fuel, it becomes stale and you wish for newer shiny appliances, (even though it’s a no-brainer that antiques are so valuable), Sir?

    1. Never had a man tell me what to do. Ever. My ex-husband said he gave me to much freedom. He had no choice. Never. This is most likely why I am single and will stay this way. My GF’s said I need to be the damsel in distress. I scare off guys as I am too independent. To me, this just means they are too weak for me.

      1. Totally, they were too weak for you! Go girl! No shame in being single and happy about it.
        Never owned. Even when I was less financially set, my ex husband would try and try…..he had money and thought his name was on my title. Ha! I left without touching a dime. Head high, girl does it for herself.

      2. I did this with my first husband with three babies in tow. I was 35 and my sons were 4, 2 and 6 month. My friend (she is no longer a friend) asked me “who will want you with 3 kids at 35?“ I looked at her and said “I WANT ME!!!!” I went back to work (dealer at Caesars Palace) and started over and never looked back. He got everything, the business we started and the properties and the home, as I walked out. I did not care. To this day he hates me. Now my second husband there was no need to leave empty handed. There is so much more to this but this is not the forum. Just know I have strength more then most. I am like fine china with my many cracks. >

  2. I am guilty of all of them. It really does show you how much control over you they have early on. My whole life revolved around my ex. I cancelled plans and just sat at home and waited just in case she wanted to go somewhere. I couldn’t sit my phone down for a second. I was addicted. I can see how she was slowly isolating me. I played right into her hands. I made it soo easy.

  3. HG, I am so utterly glad we met on an electronic platform where this is a non-issue. Do you have any insights related to just electronic communications how to spot if it is happening? I suppose the Internet would be a place where similar types of things could happen if I think about it…but I know you will protect us here 🙂

    Ohmygosh – I just had another idea of another business for you (in your spare time, right?!) called NARCED where people pay you to evaluate the probability of whether they are dating a Narcissist from the beginning! 1-800-HGTUDOR – $x.95 per minute…(not sure what the right dollar amount would be there?)

    OR talk to a Narcissist so you know how the routine goes to protect yourself BEFORE it starts! <— YES…I know it sounds crazy, but I read everything you say (often more than once – I am slow learner), and I even think I understand it more to write about it, but when you did The PROTECTION post, I realized I really didn't get it at all when it happens. I think I am getting better, but after your Protection post, I dare not give myself any kuddos…I think I need 1-800-HGTUDOR…of course, you are already swamped but it just got me thinking…you always give such nice advice – why not get paid for it, RIGHT? …if the person falls in love with you over the phone – they officially failed…and pay double. 🙂

    1. Thank you for the ideas Sarah, I am considering offer paid consultations so people gain have a complete bespoke response to whatever issues they wish to discuss and this would be done in a live session with that person so they could speak to me. As to insights on electronic communications and spotting our kind there are articles on the blog which deal with that, from both the use of technology and social media.

    2. Hi Sarah,
      For some reason I could not reply to you on your original post about this topic.
      Sorry for the delay in my response to you. It was unavoidable. I did promise to get back with you and I always try to keep my word. It was a conflict to write to you because I made the statement that I was leaving this forum.

      I was hurt over something, I told HG about it and HG can address the matter with me through other channels if he would like to.

      I felt it is worth more to break my silence as I did say I would respond to you. This topic is very important to me and close to my heart. I hope he publishes it.

      The first question, is wisdom achieved through the experience of knowledge of good and evil? There is a beautiful scripture at (proverbs 2:1-7) The bible teaches there that wisdom is given to us by God. How? By accepting God’s sayings, listening, using discernment and praying for understanding. So the seeker of wisdom must spend time studying God’s word and learn and apply it.

      The second thing about Eve. Eve did know the consequences of eating from the tree. In Genesis (3:2,3) after satan asks her if she can eat from the tree, she explains that she cannot and why she cannot. So she let her desire outweigh the consequences. She gave in to selfishness. So she knew why she wasn’t to eat from it. She therefore was accountable.

      The snake. His motive was to thwart God’s plan. I’ve discussed this with you previously that God’s plan was to have a paradise earth with healthy happy people inhabiting it. You are correct in saying he was jealous. The motive was he wanted the worship. He threatened God’s right to rule. He lied to Eve and told her if she ate from the tree , she would not die. That was a lie. (Genesis 3:4). Then he lied again and said God knows if you eat from it you will be like God and know Good and Bad. This was challenging God’s sovereignty or his right to set the rules of right and wrong for mankind.

      Satan/snake. God created an angelic creature that was perfect (Dueteronomy 32:4). He was a high ranking angel. He had a station before God. (Job 1:6,7). He made himself satan when he tried to thwart God’s plan for the earth. He resisted or rebelled against God. *side note….Nobody knows Satan’s real name. The title satan means resister, the title devil means slanderer. He is also known as the father of the lie, because he told the first lie (John 8:44). The Bible also gives him the title serpent which came to signify deceiver and tempter (Matthew 4:3) (Revelation 12:9). On a heavier note, in the course that satan took, there seems to be in some respecrs, a parallel with the king of tyre, this is described at (Ezekial28:11 – 19). Interesting read. (1 peter5:8) tells us what satans doing now, along with many other things.

      If you could expound on what you said about choosing to remain fallen or choosing to remain liberated and how the choice correllated, I’m unclear.

      I agree that faith and belief and love are all action words. The Bible says faith without works is dead (James 3:20) Love (1 corinthians 16:14)

      Yes the knowledge we take in, the wisdom we aquire from studying the scriptures and then to live according to bible laws and principles are keys to making good choices in life. However,I will say again, we all have free will. Our choice has nothing to do with God’s purpose for the earth and mankind. Gods purpose will come to fruition, whether we want it to or not.The real question is do we want to be with God or against him? Which of course takes us back to Adam and Eve. Do we choose God or satan/ourselves to rule mankind?

  4. Chillsville, HG. I just responded to a comment that basically said that the Ns’ phone bombings almost had me running as fast as my feet could take me away. I also said they’d have no chance if they did that today. Sometimes I swear you are living in my head! Out please.

    One day, N1 actually told me that he was not going to call me as much and that I needed to start calling him. Then he called later that night. This was before caller ID so it could have been anyone. I brought up that we already talked and he didn’t even give me a chance to call. He brushed it off. BOO.

    N2 did back off a bit. He was more into the game, I’m sure.

    Nice pic.

  5. I have done all of these things!! No more!!! This list I will keep with me always as a reminder of what not to do ever again!! Bloody Elemental your are right!!! I can do this!!! 😈

    1. FOOL ME i thought the same.. I also did some of the list 😱😱.
      Seems all the relationship of that kind have so much in common..
      Looking back again and SMH .
      Nice week FM 😃😃

  6. Lovely description. May I ask do You know that we are fully ensnared by You? That the harpoon hit us deep and hard after all above and more inviting You indicators happen?

  7. Dammit, I have done everyone of these. At least now I know. Thank you for these blogs, because today is a great day.

  8. Hi HG Tudor, I found your compelling but stomach churning site after googling “silent treatment” I was astounded at the accuracy of your well written article.

    When you have been abused for years it is not easy to read it makes you angry

    However you are helping to empower, educate and even save lives

    I have a zero tolerance to disturbed lying manipulative people

    1. Hello ILJ. No, there can be no denying that my writing and who I am will stir up many emotions in people, but most, like you, look beyond that and realise the resource that they have now found and use it, as you wrote, to empower themselves. Thank you for saying hello and I hope you continue to read and contribute.

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