Achieving NoFuC
Achieving NoFuC is the way to force the narcissist to leave you alone.
If you are being pestered by someone trying to seduce you who you have no interest in.
If you are being badly treated by someone who is bullying you.
If you are being repeatedly harassed by someone you were once in a relationship with.
If you are being smothered by someone who seems pleasant but is behaving over the top at the outset of your involvement with them.
If he or she just will not leave you alone.
You are in all likelihood being hoovered by a narcissist, whether it is in seduction or whether it is devaluing behaviour. Whether it is at the outset of the relationship, during the relationship or after the relationship such behaviour where this person will not leave you alone exhibits the behaviour of the narcissist.
To deal with them, you need to achieve NoFuC.
To understand what this means, what needs to be done and what it achieves, use this useful logic bulletin today.
43 thoughts on “Achieving NoFuC”
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Some people may interpret the letters ‘no’ as “next opportunity”
My female narcissist won’t give up on me
I blocked her for a month then I unblocked her cell and she contacted me and wanted to talk. I agreed and we met and she was totally shaken that I would leave her. I let her back in my life. Big mistake. She knew no boundaries. After a short period of time she was making plans for us to live together for three months so we would get used to one another and then marry. But of course I we had to be engaged and I was to buy her a beautiful ring. This was her idea. I finally left her and went no contact. It’s been a month now and I know she’ll try to contact me but I ready this time. I’m done. She’s scary.
I swear to God I will put up a restraining order if that son of a B**** contacts me ever again… 😉 He claimed I was the one who hurt HIM.. (after I left his apartment in a hurry the last time, when I accidentally happened to see he had been trying to pick up numerous women online, while trying to get me back….he was the one who was hurt by my leaving after that?? Isnt that rich? 😉 lol.) Great post HG. Do you reckon a narc would care about a restraining order or just carry on with hoovers and pretend like it’s raining? 😮
Be well. 🙂
Thank you SN. The obedience of a restraining order will depend on a number of factors which are actually the subject of a forthcoming article, so in order to save my fingers, you will see the answers in that article.
Ah, I see. How very interesting. I hope to read that post. Thanks, HG! Be well. 🙂
HG, where can i find this article about the obedience of a restraining order because I am thinking of putting a restraining order on him but I am just concerned if it will actually make things worse or better.
Do you reckon its a good idea to put a restraining order?
Showing Restraint.
Hi DC, I wish peace for you too❤️❤️❤️
If I thought a pill would work I would take it. Lol… I was treated for depression a long time ago when my son was diagnosed with diabetes, epilepsy, and autism. 16 yrs ago. People don’t understand the difference.
Depression is completely different and what I feel now with PTSD is like nothing I have ever experienced before. XXXxxx
Hi Frenchtoast,
Thanks for asking. I appreciate it. I will take any help I can get. My family and friends have had it with me. They had a hard time trying to understand when I was in the relationship what I was doing. Now that I’m out they want me to get over it. They can’t comprehend the triggers I have and my responses which I can’t control.
I took the dog for a walk the other day and two dogs came out to the end of the driveway and barked at me.( I am not at all afraid of dogs) I was completely terrified because I had been startled by how loud they were and how they surprised me. I tried to remember that HG told me not to be afraid of these things but the breakdown came. Then I heard my activity walker announce the mile mark and that was it. I cried the whole way home and it kept me in bed the whole night. I was exhausted.
I have plenty of trigger words and when heard they produce the same outcome.
Give NoFuC, LOVE IT!!!! Wise and sassy!
Hi Starr,
Shoot, I couldn’t afford it without insurance. I can’t afford my own services(I’m not on any insurance yet)…isn’t that messed up? (I pay a big chuck of what I earn to the group I work with and supervision).
I am in the US. I currently do not see adults. I work with adolescents with trauma history and BPD signs to help prevent development of more signs. My other job is with kids with autism.
Tip to find good therapists: search on the psychology today website, provider finder, and put in search terms for trauma experience and insurance options. DBT therapists are good to look into too for trauma work too. Many DBT therapists have trauma experience. Hope that helps some. Another good site is AMerican Psychology Association website and go into provider finder. You can search by state too!
Yay!!!! We need more people In The field that have this experience!!! Don’t give up, it’s worth it if you have the love for the work (self discovery and helping others)!!!!!👍🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻😊
Hi Indy,
As always, you are a wealth of information.
I took notes from what you said and will look for a trauma therapist.
I started out looking for a marriage counselor. It took awhile to get an appointment with her and by time the appointment came up I had just confessed to my affair and was starting to realize the mess I was getting my self out of. I had figured out my ex was a narcissist and tried to explain to her what I was feeling. She understands the brainwashing, mental abuse, and manipulation. But nothing like the knowledge and understanding that I get from HG. She doesn’t seem to be able to help me with the PTSD. My husband and I still see her for marriage counseling but I don’t know if I should find a new one. It’s such a long story!!!! And there are so many aspects to it. Thanks Indy ❤️❤️❤️
It can be hard to find a therapist that does all the things that are needed. If you trust your current therapist, you may ask her about her experience with PTSD and if could refer you to someone that does that type of work, if she doesn’t. A good therapist will refer out for things they do not do. If you felt you gave the therapy enough time and your gut feels like you need to check out other modes of therapy for yourself individually outside marriage counseling, I say follow your gut. Also, you can see both, one therapist for marriage if you are still working on that and it’s working, and one for you individually for PTSD.
I will say this, it is rare to find someone that has HGs knowledge on narcicistic abuse in a therapist. I’m learning so much and so greatful.
Thank you Indy,
I am going there this morning and I will ask her about her experience with PTSD. I am learning so much about therapy and the varieties out there. I have quite a bit of experience with everything related to disabilities but this is all new to me. I did read up on your DBT therapy and will look into that.
I hate to think where I would be right now if I hadn’t found HG and his knowledge and this blog. I will be forever grateful HG.
Lots of hugs for you Indy!! Xxxx❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for your help
Hey SW, Good luck with your talk with your therapist! There are several types of therapy that can help with different stages of trauma and PTSD. DBT is a good start and there are also other good methods out there too. Some, like EMDR, are well known while others are lesser known but also possibly effective too. See resource below for more information on trauma treatment.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/treatment-of-ptsd/
Hi Indy, I wanted to get back to you to tell you that you educated my therapist. Lol… I told her that my PTSD was getting worse and I needed some coping skills. She took notes from me and wrote down the types of therapy you told me about and the link you gave me. Thank you for the link❤️❤️
She actually told me she was exhausted from hearing about the smear campaign against me and can’t imagine being me.
I will continue to do my own research. I really don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t found this blog.
This takes me back 15 years ago when I was trying to find the right support and therapy in the autism field. There wasn’t much support back then around here. I had to find it on my own.
Hope you are doing ok!!! ❤️🍎❤️
Hi SW,
I am so glad the information was useful and it sounds like your therapist was interested in learning and researching too. A good sign 🙂
Good luck on this journey that we all are on. You are right, the search is oddly similar to finding services that work for kids on the spectrum as well. Back in the day, it was super hard to find. It still is for those in rural areas sadly. ….now it is super expensive (sad but true) or the wait lists are crazy long.
Best to you! Love and healing~
Indy
Oh no, DC 😥 I hope you are safe and ok.
DC, thanks for your well wishes!!! I just woke up and saw the police paid you a visit. How are you feeling? Did you make it through the rest of the night without any trouble? I know HG explains to us why they keep coming back over and over and I can see it from their side why they do, but it’s so much!!!! I keep thinking they will stop, but everyone here and HG keeps showing me that it is til death😖😖You are soo strong. Hopefully today is quieter for you. ❤️❤️
He has tried! But I’m true to myself and HG!!! Maybe now he will finally give up!!!
FM1T,
I sincerely hope this is the case, but I will drizzle on your parade by saying that one of 6 narcs hoovered me for 29 years. Until I seen the beacon of hope, that I was actually afraid was a bug zapper. Turns out though it was a place filled with truth honesty and integrity. I butterflyed it over here to the cliffs of narcville and found the truth and was set free….HG took me to the butterfly enclosure to live out my days in a magical illusion of freedom. I think I was dreaming when I wrote this. Hope your narcman gives up, final answer. Why didn’t I just say that in the first place?
Grand Hoover number 3 ??????!
He never seemed to bother me after a discard. Perhaps maybe because he knew I would contact him. He almost never has initiated contact. One of the reasons I often wonder if he will ever even bother trying to contact to me again. I was very confused why he would want to continue being friends if things were so bad, he even said he would continue to live with me. Of course, we ended up both moving and after he told me never to message again I haven’t heard a peep from him.
There is always so much more to learn from you HG. I can relate to all of it.
Thanks
You are welcome SW.
Throwing pain at my windows. Yes, I remember that one. Nothing worse.
After the breakup it was gift after gift . Apologies and promises to change . Flowers and jewelry and notes in my work locker . I very expensive blue topaz ring and a proposal that I turned down in which he started crying and falling on his knees . I knew it wasn’t real . It’s been a year since the break up . I have cut off all contact except he is one of my bosses at work so that is the only exception . I now pretend like he does not exist . Last week I found someone had slashed my tires in the parking lot at work . I do not want to believe it was it him but I know it probably was . I also received a call today from a blocked number . I missed the call and hopefully they do not try and contact me . I’m very much on edge lately and my PTSD is getting bad again .
Hi Starr, I would be on edge also. I am having a hard time getting anyone to understand my PTSD. Have you had any luck? I am thinking about getting a new therapist. I have taken HG’s advice about changing aspects of my life and they have helped but somedays the breakdowns knock me on my knees. Sorry you have to work with him. I can’t imagine that. Xx
Snow and Starr, I am sorry that y’all are left with residuals from your narcs. It isn’t fair that you have to keep carrying around the pain.
It really is a shame that narcissism and PTSD are not well know. Everyone thinks if you take a pill you will be okay but it just isn’t true! It would be fabulous if they made a pill to forget your last relationship… but what other memories would you lose! I hope you ladies find the peace you deserve! <3
SW,
What aren’t they understanding? PTSD has gotten much more prevalent becuz of War. I know people don’t realize sometimes that it comes from any trauma. Car accident, robbery, rape, abuse…etc.. Do you think they don’t understand triggers? Or your reactions? You know you don’t have to answer, I just wondered if I could help.
Snow, Starr, Dragoncreeper, and FrenchToast (I had to smile when I wrote all your names together😊),
Yes, it is sad and a truth that trauma and PTSD is so misunderstood by many, including therapists, in which they can do more harm if they go in blindly. I have to confess, I had a hard time finding a therapist ( I am one) that understood my recent past relationship with narcicism and the trauma from it and the cumulative effects of those traumas over a lifetime. Further finding one on insurance that won’t cost me an arm or a leg. I both greatful and worried. Greatful as I can bring this understanding into my work, worried that so many will not find good therapists, teachers like HG, and support given its prevelence today. The other challenge of is finding affordable trauma informed care. Many therapists services are not covered by insurance that do this work and thus people go to whoever is on their nsurance plan. It’s a horrible cycle that needs more people making it Known and accessible!!!
My fellow journey mates, warriors, you are paving the way for others. I wish you (and myself) continued healing and peace creased peace.
Thank you Indy I have not seen any therapist they are very expensive and I work a lot but it still isn’t enough to afford mental health services . I truly appreciate that . Are you a therapist in the U.S ? Maybe we live close . I have actually decided to go back to school and get my degree in psychology and use my traumatic experience to help others . Once I get the money and motivation up I’m going to start my new life and go to school .
I can relate to this post RIGHT now. I have not responded, yesterday and today has been silent thus far. However his last text to me was that he will wait forever for me. Was that just another attempt at getting me to respond or am I doomed for pop ups the rest of my life?
It was an attempt to draw a response. The ‘pop ups’ will happen if the matters referred to in the article occur.
I am glad I resisted then… this is the hardest part for me.
Here we go again, now he is trying other words of persuasion to get me to respond!
Y’all are too persistent.
Ignor
Sent from my iPhone
>
yup…. Im doing it thus far….
Yes DC, I’m going through it right now. Its taking all of my will and soul not to respond and tell him I love him. I will always love him. I dream of him every night and can’t touch another man because I miss his touch, his scent, his everything.
I don’t want to even deal with the ex anymore… I am over the BS… He is still trying to get me to respond to his texts. :/ About an hour ago I had 8 police at my door saying someone from my residence called the police. I am pretty sure he is trying to get me razzled… it isn’t working. It is becoming really ridiculous and mundane.
Oh goodness. I’m sorry DC. That’s just ridiculous, if he’s down to childish pranks and games. Its wonderful you are over him. It makes ignoring the hoovers much easier…. Which he probably knows, so he has to up the ante. Good luck to you. Whether we are still in love them or want them to disappear, seems like we have to keep fighting our instincts to reach out and deal with them through love and compassion.
Thank you, i appreciate the him/her context because i am escaping one now through no contact and this really helps. We have children but i am using only third party for any contact with her. No fuel to the fire?
You are welcome and you are adopting the appropriate approach just ensure the third party is a gate rather than a conduit for information.