The Dirty Divorce
Divorce. There is a high chance of this happening when you have been ensnared by one of our kind. You might think that a narcissist would want to hold on to a source of supply and would never instigate divorce proceedings against their intimate partner who is a primary source. This is not a concern to our kind at all, for the following reasons: –
- It is your fault. It is always your fault;
- If we want a divorce, we are entitled to divorce in accordance with our sense of entitlement;
- We have a new primary source who we may well want to bind to use through marriage, therefore you need to be divorced. (There will be some of our kind who won’t let a divorce stand in their way and will commit bigamy but that is a matter for a different topic.)
- If you are financially superior to the narcissist, it is a means of obtaining our share, because we are, of course, entitled;
- If you are financially inferior to the narcissist, it is a method of denying you getting your share. You deserve nothing because you have failed us.
- There is no concern on our part that we might we be regarded as a failure for having to engage in divorce proceedings. This is because it is your fault and we are never accountable.
- We like to get in first;
- Divorce proceedings provide us with a vast range of fuel opportunities, from provoking you, gaining sympathy from our supporters, admiration from others as to how we are handling it and so forth.
If you instigate divorce proceedings, then our attitude to proceedings is governed by: –
- A massive sense of injustice. We gave you so much during the golden period and this is how you treat us?
- It is never our fault. You are a greedy, nasty, horrible person who just cannot be satisfied;
- Your action amounts to a considerable criticism of us. This ignites our fury and this fury will drive our attitude and behaviour towards you during the divorce;
- We will look to cross-petition for divorce by demonstrating that it is your fault and not ours;
- We will defend your divorce petition, because we have done nothing wrong;
- Your awful behaviour towards us provides us with material to smear you, “how could he/she do this to me after all the things I have done for her/him?”
- It provides us with material to maintain our façade by showing how “noble” we are (to the outside world) under such provocation from you.
Divorce proceedings are another stage for us to appear on, to draw fuel, to exert control and to manipulate. There is so much material for us to use against you and to our advantage. It is a battlefield which we relish appearing on. This process will be covered in greater detail in the work Divorce and the Narcissist along with steps that you can take to handle the process.
Given these attitudes to whether we divorce you or whether you divorce us, what can you expect in the arena of divorce?
- The allegations in the divorce petition (or cross petition) will be trumped-up, outrageous and designed to provoke a huge reaction on your part. It does not matter if there is no evidence to support these allegations, from our perspective the allegations are true because of your treachery;
- If you are divorcing us and we expect it (e.g. you tell us, you are doing it) you can expect us to evade service of your proceedings to slow the process down and to frustrate you;
- There will be a tooth and nail battle over finances;
- There will be the hiding of assets, diminution of assets and accusations that you have done this, not us;
- Documentation will be hidden, altered and destroyed in order to protect our position;
- We will deny the provision of documents and letters to slow proceedings down
- We will fabricate documentation in order to support our position;
- There will be intransigence over the most minor of items;
- There will be a battle over the children. This is nothing to do with their interests but all about fuel. This behaviour will draw fuel from you and is designed to maintain a grip on the children for further fuel manipulation;
- You will face repeated accusations concerning your mental health, propensity to violence, drink/drug/other addictions, multiple partners and sluttish behaviour, your neglect of the children. Invariably this is all projection;
- There will be use of lieutenants in order to support the spurious allegations at point 10;
- We will place heavily reliance on the façade to demonstrate good character;
- There will be considerable propaganda concerning the divorce with you being subjected to savage smear campaigns;
- Court dates will be missed, appointments forgotten about and such like in order to slow the process and provoke you;
- There will be agreements to engage in mediation. This is a sham, there will be no attempt to settle. The mediation will be used to hoover you for fuel;
- Spurious applications will be made to cause delay, expense and frustration;
- Repeated tactics will be deployed which aim to wear you down;
- There will be sudden attempts at reconciliation which come out of nowhere, but are usually a result of us feeling that proceedings may not be going our way;
- It may appear that an agreement has been reached but we will change details at the last minute or refuse to agree;
- We will renege on agreements repeatedly forcing you to further court time and expense;
- There will be manipulation of lawyers, court staff, court officials, court appointed experts and judges. This is done to gain fuel, smear you and preserve the façade;
- Don’t expect our lawyer to bring any sense to bear. He or she will have been hoodwinked and charmed by us. We will try and charm your lawyer too;
- You will be subjected to malign follow-up hoovers if matters go against us;
- We will make applications against you for restraining orders on trumped-up evidence;
- Everything you have said and done will be twisted and used against you;
- There will be no concessions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence;
- Out of the blue there may be “white flag” waving asking for you and us to talk without others being involved. This is just a ruse to hoover you and delay proceedings;
- There will be misrepresentation to third parties about what is happening in the proceedings;
- We will engage in apparent reliance on others for financial support in order to deny you anything.
Divorce is regularly described as a stressful and upsetting experience. What people fail to realise is that those divorces are the ones which involve our kind, it is just that nobody has spotted that that is the case.
69 thoughts on “The Dirty Divorce”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Dear Mr. Tudor…..BANG ON Sir! In my work the files that deny all reason or all reasonable efforts, which get filed, mutate, grow like a tumor in the family court clerks office are those which are fed by 1 or both parties having mental health issues/personality disorders. The amuse de bouche are short motions strategized meticulously to blind, by way of shock value the other party, opposing counsel and the court, the mastermind of this devaluing party. The process feeds the need, the financial violations feeds the need to punish, the lies and forging/altering of documents feeds the superiority complex….Mr. Tudor, there is no place in our family courts for mental health issues , it is a lethal and toxic combination. These are the files that average out 8-10 years to include false allegations, supervised access, financial rape, character assassinations, loss of livelihood- not to mention the emotional and spiritual casualty.
Thank you Sir for your post….you seem to know your “stuff”Alexandra
I’m currently separated from a narcissist. I was blind sighted. I must of been under a rock.. this cannot be happening.. no contact has proven to be a grateful healing tool. Of course like so many love bombed at a very vulnerable time…blah blah blah.. I’m wondering the first supply he ended without any bad words about her.. seriously that was very weird.. a flag I ignored.. he appeared to not miss, not care, no emotion of the part with her. They parted fairly. Will that likely happen to me? He has new supply.
He may move on and feel no need to say anything adverse about you, but if your presence becomes known by him whilst he is seducing and embedding his new primary source you run the risk of being smeared. If you avoid being smeared Hopeful, you will of course remain susceptible with regard to the potential for follow-up hoovers be they benign and/or malign in accordance with the spheres of influence and the hoover execution criteria
I’m currently separated from a narcissist. I was blind sighted. I must of been under a rock.. this cannot be happening.. no contact has proven to be a grateful healing tool. Of course like so many love bombed at a very vulnerable time…blah blah blah.. I’m wondering the first supply he ended without any bad words about her.. seriously that was very weird.. a flag I ignored.. he appeared to not miss, not care, no emotion of the part with her. They parted fairly. Will that likely happen to me? He has new supply.
You will not know the exact manner by which he parted from his ex. He will not have had much to say about her because he was concentrating on you and if she did not come up in the conversation such a person is treated as if they never existed. How he treats you depends on whether you give him reason to engage with you or not. If you try to expose him, try to contact him whilst he has a new primary source you will be smeared and labelled in such a way as to demean you. If you keep out of the way, he has no reason to say anything about you at this stage. Use the time to get a head start on going no contact and thus making yourself an unattractive fuel prospect to diminish the likelihood of a hoover down the line.
Divorcing a narcopath is utter hell. I just celebrated my 2nd anniversary of filing. $50k and 2 years later, I’m still not divorced. He is now a family law attorney representing himself. He has made very clear that he will keep fighting and that he hopes to make my entire family go broke trying to defend me until they all drop me. He is worse than a cockroach – no matter how much he has lost in all the devastation he has created, he keeps coming back. Too bad he didn’t ever use that kind of determination to make things right with our family. Escaping with our three children was the very last resort for me as I was completely dependent upon him and would’ve done just about anything to avoid divorcing him. I am now financially ruined and so much burden has been placed on my parents to support the 3 children he refuses to. I have a terrific support system, have maintained custody, got myself into school – graduating with honors with a degree in Psychology this December!, even have a new home and replaced all the material things he took from us…but, the battle continues. There is no being free from such monsters, ever.
Keep up all your strength and determination! I don’t know you but I am very proud of you and admire your resilience.
So glad that I heeded the red flag and did not say “I do”. It could have been sooo much worse, as you explained.
It helped to catch mine in bed with one woman on Xmas… two of them wrote me through Facebook, which is evidence in court. The Xmas woman apologized to me through a private message. The third one got pregnant! She is now his current supply. He used the first one to triangulate with the third one. He claimed the second one was crazy.
How do I get him to stop suing me? He continues to play games through lawyers, as you said. Now that we are divorced and he owes me money, he pretends to be broke and then the gf posts all of their vacations and spending (open to the public) on Facebook! I have let my lawyer know of his games and she is finally wise to it. I just don’t want to have to have lawyer on retainer, because he wants to toy with me… How do I make it stop with out giving in to his demands? For some reason we don’t have a court date set…he is just letting me linger out here wondering when this will be settled. He wrote me and asked if I would make a deal because there is a baby in the picture now.. I told him he should have gotten the vasectomy he said he was getting, lol
Hello KF, to answer I would need to know what he is suing you for?
Divorce was easy. He had new fuel (that he thought l didn’t know about but I did) and made it “seem” like he was giving me everything ,the house, kids, not taking my money bc I made more at the time but still helping me. Put it in a pretty little narc package. Unfortunately he left several bombs in that pkg that are still going off today. If I’d only known who he was and HG at the time….
What are the bombs Alex?
Oh, HG! That is such a loaded question…you know from some of my recent emails about the house the $$ situation. But that is only the tip of the iceberg. I thought divorce would be the end, the final chapter. I put up such a high NC wall as soon as we filed to protect myself. This was before I even knew what the hell NC was, or what the hell he was. I just knew I was exhausted and tired of paying for my sins and his (everything was and still is somehow my fault). He broke down my wall though😢😡😬 and broke me down harder and worse than any time we were ever married. But I’m building an HG approved titanium wall now that he wont be able to penatrate…in any way😈😉😘.
That is the way to approach it.
You are the bomb HG. Meant in the slang good way of course!
Word.
HG, had a very bad day. Was in an accident. But what’s worse is I can’t get my posts from you!! Please let me know if you are getting my comments? Thank you!
Comment received.
Hi FM!
Sorry to hear about your bad day. Hope you are ok. I panicked one day that I couldn’t get anything from this blog. It feels like my life line right now. Sending you good vibes ❤️🍎❤️ And hugs Xx
I think Fm has an email problem sending her nothing and rogue messages. She just needs to hang tight, all is well.
Thanks HG. I do worry a little. Lol
Thank you snow. A little bruised but as long as I have HG and the blog I’m fine. Xx
FM1T
Hope you are well. Sorry you had a bad day. But remember, NO two days are alike. 🌸🏵🌹🌺
Would you not agree HG that if fuel required under the narcissist terms, devaluation period would be halted longer term? Was your ex a codependent or an empath?
If fuel was given to the required standard, there would be no need for devaluation. My ex was an empath.
Thank you for sharing HG. My previous IP’s were empaths as well but one.
Confused by your comment because I thought I read that you said that our fuel would never be enough? I could be wrong🤗. Have always wondered why the N views the world as hostile? Somehow, I never know why I can’t see your answers to me on this blog.
Ty HG – going through this now 🙁
You are welcome Judi.
I wonder what a sociopathic narcissist would do in court if he cheated and his soon to be ex wife had video and audio tapes to prove it . That is how I was going to catch my ex and prove to everyone that I wasn’t the bad guy but I hacked his accounts and required proof that way . If you are married and you cheat then there is no way people will be believe you are a victim once the evidence is presented . Divorces are expensive as well and would be such a hassle . How many times have you been married Mr Tudor ?
I have been married once.
One would evaluate whether that evidence would create a problem or not. In the UK whilst evidence of adultery allows the petitioner to prove the case for the granting of a divorce (which would naturally irk us) it does not have a bearing on financial arrangements or child arrangements, thus there might be an instance where it would be admitted to keep the tapes out and to make us look like we are being collaborative in resolving issues,thus increasing the benefit of our façade, which we use to our advantage in the more contentious issues where you have no evidence or no relevant evidence. Picking the right battle is part of the skill set of the Greater.
I disagree with you about nobody believing someone to be a victim once the evidenceis presented. I cheated because I was abused, I cheated because she never showed me any affection etc etc, which turns the spotlight onto us.
Maybe one day you will truly love and not cheat . Hopefully it isn’t to late for you to feel happiness without manipulations and fuel . I’m keeping my fingers crossed .
Screw that, I gave my ex-husband almost everything….except me. No doubt he has smeared my name to his family but it is of no consequence to me nor was it ever. I am sure he is laughing inside about my recent break up BUT I am laughing inside because of his recent need to call me and obviously physically see me…
Same Dragoncreeper, I too just walked away and let him have it, I also paid the lawyer fees, parenting class fees for us BOTH, and so on, I did all the leg work, I asked only what the state required bare minimum worked everything out as much as I could to his favor, I make 3x less money and was a stay at home mom for a decade, I had to start all over with nothing. That was my sweet taste though, I’d do anything to escape and I did, very carefully, agreeing to play his villain allowing him to play poor victim, all the while going through all his mind games and nightmare he unleashed on me while living with his new lady in our bed, and demanding I come home at the same time. I smile now, I don’t know how I did it, but I did, I am so glad the worst of it is behind me.
That is tough CC! You are strong.. you are the Phoenix! It truly is bitter sweet but beautiful to look back and see the struggles and sacrifices that we have made to be free…. just don’t do what I did and get into a relationship with another narcissist!
Dragoncreeper, I feel pretty confident I did not entangle with a narc (again) it has been 2 years now 1 year living together, and I keep getting stronger and love myself more and more, I feel this is a good sign, for it was the opposite with my ex. I do feel I have to continue to sharpen my tools to protect myself for the rest of my life from my ex and any other narcs that cross my path.
That sounds wonderful! Sounds as if this guy is watering your seed, so to speak! 🙂 Yes, keep those tools sharp, they will be everywhere! 🙂
Hi HG, or anyone else who as divorced a Naec. Can you file a civil case of mental abuse and torture. In my case there has been domestic violence of throwing and breaking things and pushing me away physically a few times in one year. The divorce attorney says under family law it is difficult to prove mental abuse and family lawyer does not work on contingent fees unlike a civil lawyer.
What is it you hope to gain by filing a civil suit of mental abuse against your narc, happy ending? I have found when dealing with the narc, you need to be sure the time, money and anguish is worth it, because it will be literal hell trying to get justice from such a person. I have found cutting my losses and moving on to be the better route in the long run.
I concur with CC’s observation.
Well, Mr. Tudor, first off, I wanted to congratulate you on this excellent site. I came across it a few days ago and have been reading article after article while feeling both fascinated and disturbed. I have been in a relationship as friends with benefits with a man I strongly suspect to be a narcissist for a couple of years. I would greatly appreciate your advice and wisdom. We were both married when we first met online. We have been in constant communication by email and met only on a few occasions because of the distance. The distance is likely to disappear in the near future. He has been going through a divorce for the last few months, which is not yet resolved. In the meantime he met and has been in what appears to be a serious relationship with another woman. I suspect she is his new primary supply source. He and I don’t talk as much nowadays. He didn’t tell me about her. I found out on my own and asked him. He was surprised at my reaction as he apparently viewed our special friendship as an additional source of happiness and good feelings. We used to exchange I love you’s and I miss you’s but now it’s more like just friends. It’s really tough because I miss our closeness. I always complimented him incessantly. In fact, he told me many times how good I make him feel. I have been reserved with my compliments since I found out about his new relationship. I don’t want to lose him but not sure how to act right now. I presume he is focusing on the new primary supply source. What would you recommend I do to keep our special friendship? Do I hang back and wait for him to reach out? Do I continue showering him with compliments and attention? Any hope he may resume his interest in me in the future? Not to brag, but I am very attractive, fit, educated, and higher status than him. I know it makes no sense but I want him in my life and I want us to be close again. Believe it or not, I love complimenting and adoring him. He is frustrating to deal with but I crave the excitement and the high he gives me. Thank you for reading. Sorry this is long. Thank you for any advice.
Hello Learner, welcome on board and thank you for your kind comments.
1. From what you have described it certainly appears to be the case that he is one of our kind;
2. You are evidently an secondary source intimate partner;
3. The new person is indeed his primary source intimate partner;
4. Yes, the fact you do not talk as much these days is because he is focused on embedding the new primary source;
5. You will not lose him. He will keep coming back to you for fuel but do understand this will always be on his terms. He will pick you up and put you down as he sees fit, i.e. in order to cater for his fuel needs;
6. You do not have a special friendship. You may think that, he does not. You are a source of fuel to him. That is it. That is the brutal truth;
7. If you keep complimenting him and giving him fuel, he will readily keep engaging with you and indeed I suspect he will triangulate you with the new person over time. You may even be promoted to primary source since the distance issue is going to vanish. Nevertheless, if that does happen, he will then devalue you and discard you, returning to the other woman probably (or someone new) before returning to hoover you;
8. From what you describe not only are you an attractive fuel prospect per se, you are clearly very susceptible to being hoovered owing to your mind set. He will know this and he will exploit this.
9. You are clearly addicted to him. This is common.
10. The most beneficial way forward would be for you to go no contact and have nothing to do with him and focus on processing the emotion you have for him out of your system because he will NEVER make you happy, he will only ever keep taking from you, yes there will wonderful (fake) times but this will be surrounded with you becoming upset, wondering what he is doing, who he is with, why he is hurting you and so on. The price for those all too few wonderful moments is not worth paying.
11. I suspect given your attributes you could find someone who is not a narcissist without too much difficulty, although this may not fulfil you since you crave the excitement and danger of the narcissistic dynamic. Many people do, that is why they are drawn to us time and time again.
12. It does make sense why you want him in your life. I fully understand that, but ultimately it is not something that will do you any good in the long run.
13. You are an adult and the choice is yours. You either ditch him and focus on riding yourself of the addiction, which is entirely possible, or you decide that you will continue to engage with him, but ensure you do so in the full understanding of what will happen – you will not be appreciated, you will be messed around, you will always come second. Read more of this blog and my books for the full horror and then you can make an informed decision as to which route you wish to take. It isn’t for me to tell you which route to take, you are your own person, all I can do is tell you what will happen if you continue to entangled with him.
This mirrors and matches so much of what I am going through with my soon-to-be ex-husband. I am divorcing him and feeling the force of his narcissistic rage. His sense of entitlement is off the scale. I shan’t let him destroy me though.
Is there a book available on divorcing the narcissist?
In progress.
HG, kakav je osjecaj biti bezgrijesan?
Ne bi li ponekad volio biti mali vrag?
What does bezgrijesan mean please? I don’t understand this word.
I would run into my friends ex Husband as we frequented the same places and he would tell me all the bad things she thought of me. Then it would be what is she saying about me. Then I got, you were always such a great person I hope you continue to be MY friend. Then finally I got I should have been with you. Uh, no thanks. Then she slept with her sisters Husband this is the truth of the divorce. Then the poor me, she was treacherous. I seen all phases. It made for great drama. Then he tried the hoover after the divorce was final. Since I made him believe I was her enemy she came and lived with me for a while. She was smart enough to keep her assets separate. Rented out her house when they married and made sure to hide cash from him. He tried to get her fired. I was her boss though so failed. She remarried again. He came waltzing in the reception during the best man’s speech. Oh HG. There is a Narc school somewhere, it’s hidden in plain site. Each country has its own. Is yours located at platform 9 & 3/4?.
Wow FTW, what a whirlwind dramorama in that explanation there. Yes it does seem like there is a Narc School doesn’t it? How do you find it? Easy. You clamber through the looking glass.
Death sounds like a viable option. It’s the most complete route of escape, no one has a control over you in the grave. Plus it would secure his victory!
We do not seek your death. If you are dead you cannot give us any fuel, thus it is self-defeating. We want you alive.
so completely removing ourselfs by death from your life would be one less fuel source and peace on our behalf.
It would, but it is not something I would want as I have already explained.
Hi H.G.,
Your have said that you welcome opposing viewpoints. I do not wish to contradict you, as you are a supreme authority on the subject of narcissim.
Therefore my statements below are about my own conflicting emotions rather than an attack.
If narcissist don’t want you dead due to loss of supply, why did my greater act the opposite? He manipulated and berated me for 26 years. I felt suicidal towards the end of the marriage and he knew that and abused me emotionally even harder the more depressed I became. I most assuredly feel that if I hadn’t escaped when I did, he would have quietly paraded his new IPPS into my view, which would have pushed me over the edge. He needed to keep her under wraps though, to protect his saintly image and his finances.
I had no idea what a narcissist was. then. I do now, and this uncaring, cruel behavior is one of the many reasons I feel he was a greater.
With me so conveniently out of the pictutre, he could have saved the money he so desperately wanted to keep iinstead of giving me, a lowly housewife, my part in the divorce. He could have gained immense supply because he was widowed by his poor “mentally ill” wife. It would prove that I “needed help,” as he would so often tell me, and most likely others. I just wasn’t happy. Sigh…(His words.)
He only hoovered me once after our divorce so we could get back together and, of course, recombine our finances, as he pointed out. He said the new woman he had replaced me with would have to move out– she meant nothing to him. (She stayed two and a half years alltogether and she “meant nothing” a year in.) I was broken, but healed enough by then to see the truth.
I think his low contact with me all the years after the divorce was because he was terrified I would expose his false self. I had moved several states away, so I really didn’t exist in his world anymore.
It has been eight years since the divorce and I have been happy and antidepressant-free and for the past almost six years.
He had to answer to Karma, but that is another story.
Wow!!!
I think that the hoovers are a lot to deal with. I am grateful that I don’t have to go through this. It would destroy me. Thanks for a saving me before it was too late.
I bet your ex wife could write a book. Do you know if she was ever in therapy.
She could. It wouldn’t be as good as mine though. She has been in therapy. Her therapist had no idea what I was.
Yours are by far the best!!
Yours have knowledge, advice, the truth, wisdom, examples, real life experience, understanding, humor, and entertainment. Everything I could ask for. I have no reason to go anywhere else.
Wonder if her therapist ever figured it out. Lol🍎
Is it because you are that good (naturally😉) or were they just a poor excuse for a therapist?
My therapist called it within the first 3 minutes of our first session, much to my chagrin. After so many years of dating only men with PD, I thought this one was ‘normal’.
One, because I am good. Two, because she had no real grasp of NPD. It is a mixed bag as people have continued to confirm to me. It is understandable, there are many issues to address when dealing with a client and NPD can be difficult to pin down given the lack of those who submit themselves to scrutiny.
HG just stop!
This is why they make antifreeze.
When I left my 1st husband, I walked out with three babies, 4, 2 and six months and I took nothing else. I still went through hell and wasn’t a Narc, just an ass. He still hates me for leaving. You see, I am a great wife, and this is why they get upset when I do leave.
Ah Oh, that takes so much strength to walk out with 3 little kids. Go Wonder Women!
Poor Peter… I’ve read what Ash has done to him… and poor Wynne… and poor Ash too because she seems to be suffering from BPD rather than only being a narcissist. ..I bet she’ll hoover him. She keeps him hooked up and giving him false hope…or maybe it’s only my point of view?
All points of view are welcome Maddie.
May I please ask You for the link to book Unmasked on amazon as I can’t find it for some reasons? Thank You.
It is not available yet.
Oh no ! 🙁
Peter = Empath
Ashley = Narc
Wynne= Empath
OR plot twist
Peter= Narc
Ashley= BPD
Wynne= Empath
OR maybe Wynne is Narc and pretending to blame Ashley?
Or maybe my empathetic over thinking brain is working overtime this weekend.