5 Reasons We Argue (And What You Can Do)
You will have undoubtedly had some form of argument with the narcissist. Whether it is a heated engage, a verbal tirade of nonsense, a perplexing word salad or that infuriating round and round circular conversation, you will have experienced it.
Why does the narcissist argue with you? What purpose does it serve? What is the narcissist REALLY trying to do when arguing with you and most importantly of all, what can you do about these arguments?
For just US $ 5, understand the 5 reasons why the narcissist argues with you, gain logic and insight to build your defences and find out what you can do about this annoying, irritating and upsetting behaviour of the narcissist.
22 thoughts on “5 Reasons We Argue (And What You Can Do)”
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I also just re-read sitting target and it has affirmed many false assumptions I was walking around with and also the way my matrinarc has conditioned me to walk her cerebral and victim pathway (yes she is both even if it seems a contradiction, even a try-hard elite).
But, could we learn where they are NOT – and more about WHO is a waste of time.
My motivation is a love of sharing without expectation and that is the weakness that keeps allowing them to abuse me.
Not anguish, just frustration. I’d like a solution. I have had my life course dominated by this disorder. I’m exhausted. But it appears they are indeed everywhere.
DGMB. I get that too. My time ‘not atguing’ has certainly given me great practice for life now. I find it a lot easier to ignore or just show no emotion. Ahhh if only I knew in the very beginning what I know now. High five to self!
✋ Lisa.
Back at ya! ✋
DGMB. Sounds a bit like my story.
I am sure we all have similar stories with slight variations. Same bullshit. Different person. Yet somehow when in the middle of it we feel like no one else would “get it”. The irony.
I have noticed that when I don’t feed into it, he will actually start conflict with the cat. For real. He will start an argument with the cat. I used to get annoyed by it. Now I find it somewhat amusing. Twisted. But true.
This is so dead on accurate. I have become the master of non emotional response. Which inevitably, also then eventually out of nowhere, incites him to provoke an argument, because the lack of emoting is percieved as “not caring”. I have actually been told “I can’t do this. I’m tired of not getting any emotional response from you. You just don’t love me anymore.” Verbatim. Of which, I say, “I do love you. I just refuse to engage in bullshit headgames now”, with…. no emotional response.
Very good article. Thank you!
“It may appear that we always want to win the argument. That is not the case at all. We have no interest in winning the argument. What we really want is to achieve one or more of the five above.”
Thank you for explaining this too.
The following is something which happened to me with different people, both narcissists and nons:
When having a quiet conversation about ordinary, mundane matters, they unexpectedly lash out at me for no reason. I calmly ask them why they get so furious. I learn that someone had been smearing me (some of them tell me who the individual was but others won’t) and they could not keep their feelings of hatred towards me for too long.
Nothing I can say can make them change their minds. They don’t want to hear my side of the story.
It usually comes as a shock to learn they are now lieutenants.
Picking which battles you want was one of the things he would say me.
Even thou I see this as his way of telling me he picked which ones with me,
A part of me is thankful for this experence, I dont get to rattled when people come at me from several directions, yelling. Lol they are no where near the calbre of day to day living I experenced.
Thank you HG, as always your writings insightful.
For 7 months, while planning my escape, I refused to argue. Things were bad between us. There was no resolving it, and I didnt want to try. My knowledge on narcissism was zero, but I did know there was something hugely wrong with him. Every night he would try to engage me. Every night I refused. (Exhausting mentally to say the least). All he wanted was to argue and intimidate and I knew it. By the weekend however, there it was! The rage! Almost foaming at the mouth rage! Still, I refused him. Like I said, 7 months of this, while setting my escape plan in motion. After learning about narcissism now, (for 2years) I thank God I was strong enough to maintain my (what I called) equilibrium. Passive agressive maybe, but on arguement level, he met his match. At least for that round. Thanks HG. Very interesting.
May I ask some advice HG –
You advise us empaths to avoid you, and you say at the same time you are everywhere. Indeed, in every workplace, friendship group and hobby I’ve had in my 31 years, these scenes have been dominated by narcissists.
Is it best to avoid them and lose professional and personal opportunities, or to go about our business and be happy, with the risk the expression of that energy attracts predators?
I’m asking to make some life decisions, where I know my goals involve being in an environment with narcissists and knowing I’ve already been savaged. So many times I know exactly how to handle it, until they just whip out something so disgusting and so low it’s hard to ignore.
In terms of survival tactics, when I have watched other narcissists in competition, they are generally bow to the competition yet keep their distance.
Hello Violet, one must evaluate the situation. It is usually the case that avoidance is the best policy with those who are your of who were your intimate partner. This is because they cause the greatest damage. If you are entangled with a narcissist who is a colleague, a family member, a friend, you should consider avoidance BUT if this impacts on you doing something you enjoy, reduces opportunities etc, then you should instead consider whether you can manage the situation. It is easier to handle a situation with a friend who is a narcissist than say a spouse. This is because you are not as emotionally invested, you do not spend as much time together and therefore you have greater coping capabilities available to you. If you can spot these people, know their machinations and how to deal with them, plus your exposure to them is irritating and tiresome as opposed to shattering you should be able to strike a balance of doing what you want to do and handling them.
Thanks for your advice HG. The workplace is my biggest problem. I work in the media and all of them are psychopaths or narcissists. I honestly don’t know why or how I got to where I got being an empath. But being around them makes me feel like I’m dead. I lose all my energy and become depressed simply because there is no exchange to make with them. The worst problem is having a psychopath boss because I feel like in the whole massive organisation, I’m the only one with a conscience and with emotions and that is a huge and lonely burden to carry. If I want to have a discussion about “should”, of course, it cannot happen.
I’ve been physically ill, an insomniac and have nightmares of them laughing at dying people going through torture (probably because it is a real possibility they could watch it and allow it).
The missing links that produce a sense of safety for me are just not there.
However I’m trained and talented in this job.
I decided to take a break from it and most organisations I’ve called to talk to about joining over the past three months have had them on the other end of the phone. I’ve been so exposed now that I can read in their voice and manner. So I wonder what the point of changing careers is.
How I’ve always dealt with this issue in the past of course is to find another narcissist outside of work and play them off against the devils at work, but of course as you know it doesn’t last.
Why are there so damn many of you? I’m astounded.
(PS I joined a bootcamp group the other day and noticed the instructor ignored me when I said hello. Then ten seconds later, greeted me. He was later scanning me during class with an odd calm. Thanks to this blog I could recognise the test for abuse and then observing for fuel extraction. Thanks! I left the group).
I can sense the anguish and injustice from what you have written, I have heard it before from those who have described it as being a nest of vipers, the evil narcissists blocking and hindering their good works at every turn. If you have read Sitting Target, Violet, you will know what certain places are hunting grounds for us and it is clear the arena you describe is one which attracts our kind in numbers. You certainly appear to have attuned yourself to identifying our kind which will inevitably save you from all manner of aggravation.
Yes, HG. Many times with N2 it was like okay, we will be chatting about this one again in a couple of weeks. Nothing was resolved. Picking battles avoided many arguments. If I break NC during thos trigger season (which I DON’T plan on doing) at least I’ll be armed.
In your out of the box interview you mentioned how narcissists are across the spectrum. Does the narcissist trying to up himself and move from the lower, middle to the high end of the spectrum. In other words is an average narcissist trying to become a master narcissist consciously or unconsciously
In your out of the box interview you mentioned how narcissists are across the spectrum. Does the narcissist trying to up himself and move from the lower, middle to the high end of the spectrum. In other words is an average narcissist trying to become a master narcissist consciously or unconsciously
Hello Mirra, no because the Lesser and the Mid-Range do not know what they are. The Greater do, but they are at the top of the tree anyway.
I am a pro with this already…